Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

KID CAPRI: Put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence.

Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup!

Welcome to the Def Comedy Jam,

where we present the young, baddest comics from all over the country.

We're going to have a good time.

I'm glad we're here doing it again.

Wassup, black people? Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Now I'd like y'all to give a round of applause to someone I love very dearly.

Tisha Campbell.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]

Oh, wow.

MARTIN: So glad you can make it.

That's my girl. You... You seen her in House Party 1?

Yo, word, boss, like word. I saw her, I saw her. You remember that shit?

Remember when she took off her shit when she was running.

Body was like, "Pow!"

I was like this, "God damn!"

I was on the set that day, too.

Where my man at? Jason, where you at, my man?

Wassup, man? Give my man a round of applause.

Jason Williams plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.

Stand up, man.

Don't be fronting me, man. Don't be fronting me, man.

The girls like, "Ahhh!

[SCREAMING]

"Oh, girl, he got good hair.

"Look at his hair. Uh-uh, his hair, girl.

"I don't give a fuck about what he do, but look at his hair."

Jason, you a big motherfucker, man.

How tall are you?JASON: 6'10".

MARTIN: 6'10".

Dick slinging.

6' damn 10".

I got on baggy shit. You can fill these mothers, can't you?

I went in the locker room. Man, you brothers don't care, man.

Y'all... Man, I left out of there feeling bad, man.

'Cause you know, they do interviews naked.

They just be... Their dick just be like this.

"So anyway, we felt the ball didn't go..."

And how you going not look at their dick?

You like this, "Yeah, uh-huh."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It made me mad, man, because my girl came in there with me.

And you know I... Then we went home and made love.

I'm like this.

She's talking about Jason.

"Bitch, I ain't no goddamn Jason.

"Get your ass off this bed."

"I didn't mean to say that."

You on the end, with the glitter.

What? I just... Hi.

How you doing? You good? You look nervous.

Don't be nervous.

We're family.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][MARTIN SHUSHING]

Come here... Come here...

Come here.

Lord, give me a hug.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Come on now.WOMAN: Okay.

[MARTIN SNIFFING INTENSELY][WOMAN LAUGHING]

All right.

God damn.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You would just hate to put a rubber on that.

You know what I mean?

No, but you got... No, I mean... You know,

but if we get to know each other, then maybe I don't have to either.

But, fellas... Yo, man, use your shit, man.

I'm serious. Use them.

Boss like this, he got a little tiny...

He like, "Yeah, you right, old boy, you right."

'Cause you'll be burning all that shit, man.

Dick fall off.

You don't want no white boy running up to you, bringing your dick back.

"Dude, you dropped your dick about a mile back, man.

"Fine."

I'm telling you, man, that's... That's my fear, man.

Yo, my man coming to the stage is from Detroit.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: All right![LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey. I didn't even get the shit out.

"Oh, Lord!"

You know him?

Okay, Detroit.

Well, the boy's funny and you're going to enjoy him,

so give it up for my man, Tony Brown.

How y'all doing?

All right. This is all right, man.

A lot of pretty ladies here tonight.

Fellas, how about a hand for these ladies?

Come on, man.

Yeah, buddy.

Pretty... Pretty women will get you in trouble, boy.

That's right.

Make a guy try it without a condom quick.

That's right. Look at them and start thinking stupid,

"Uh, damn, I could wash it off real quick."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, be sick like a motherfucker

and don't know what happened.

Put them condoms on, boy.

You see what happened to Magic.

Ain't that a bitch? As much money as he got,

you know he could have bought a condom.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, boy.

Hey... Hey, if I had been him, shit,

I'd a had a solid gold condom.

God damn right, I'd brought it in a briefcase.

Yeah, it's wild, man.

But you know they have him...

You know, they say he going to be a spokesman.

Well, I'm going to tell you, folks.

The motherfucker that got it can't tell me shit.

No. Fuck, no.

Bring... Bring Wilt Chamberlain on, God damn it.

I'm listening to Wilt.

Twenty-two thousand women,

I'm wanting to know how you got by that shit, Wilt.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, man. It's wild.

How many of you have children here tonight, man?

By applause, please. Come on.

Let's see how many of you got kids.

Oh, that's good. That's good.

You know, I think everyone should have some children,

'cause I've got some and, shit, it's only fair.

Shit. Babies cost a lot of money, man.

Then you got to train them.

What is it with today's children?

Learn all the bad things.

You sit there all day with a box of Dr. Seuss books,

read them cover to cover, they hear none of that.

You curse one time.

Oh, yeah, he got it. You think I'm kidding?

Give them a bowl... A box of alphabet cereal,

check his bowl in about two minutes.

He got "motherfucker" floating in it,

"sonabitch," "fuck you," "pussy" and everything.

And it's spelled correctly.

Hey, man, I tell you,

when I look at these kids today,

man, makes me appreciate the hell out of school teachers.

Anybody here tonight a school teacher?

Oh, yeah, they way up in the back, too.

That's a dangerous job, man.

Shit, it ain't like it was when we were going to school.

Chewing gum would get you killed.

"Is that gum? Is that gum?"

A little kid roll out the chair, gum fly out his mouth.

Oh, that's over with. They got pistols now.

Shit, the teachers are passing out gum.

Oh, yeah, they come in the morning,

Bubblicious for everybody.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go ahead, pop it. I... I don't mind."

Hey, man, time changed.

I remember we were going to school,

teachers could turn their back.

"Everyone turn your book to page 10 and I don't want to hear any talking."

Then they go to the board and write some shit down, hear a squeak...

"Who's talking?"

That shit's over with.

Kids got Uzis and shit now.

You don't turn your back.

No. Now it's like, uh,

"Turn your book to page 10,

"please."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you wonder why they ain't learning nothing.

Hell, they can't read what the hell that is.

I tell you, it's wild, man.

And then being from Detroit, you know, I've got to tell you folks

I'm really pleased to be here in New York.

This is a hell of a town, man.

I look at all these buildings, all I think about is,

Godzilla tear this motherfucker down, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Close as this shit is together, I tell you,

it ain't a spot in New York that ain't been walked on or ain't been touched.

Y'all have used this city.

That's for damn sure.

When... When they condemn a building,

that motherfucker is wore out. That's what it is.

That's right. Doors and shit fall all off the hinges and shit.

But it's nice though, man.

But it's tight, just like where I'm from.

It's tight as hell, man. Shit, jobs is tight.

Government cheese everywhere you look.

Oh, I know they got some cheese here.

Don't go to looking, "Oh, not me."

You got a brick of that shit, God damn it.

Everybody got some of that shit.

I can tell the way you walk, God damn it,

you eating some of that cheese,

'cause that cheese there jam you up like a motherfucker, man.

Hey, that's why crime so high, man.

People frustrated, broke and constipated.

Hey, you'd kill somebody too,

your bowels ain't moved in weeks.

Run out the asshole, jammed up, looking crazy.

"What's wrong with him, man?"

"He jammed up off that cheese, dog."

Hey, man, I know,

and can withstand heat all temperatures.

The hardest thing in the world to make is a grilled cheese.

That's right. Many a child has burst into flames trying to make a grilled cheese.

"What? He in the kitchen?

"Poof! Oh, my God, he on fire.

"What is he doing?"

"He was... He was making a grilled cheese."

Hey, y'all been great.

Thank you very much, man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Little something we worked on.

Yo, coming to the stage, you know her as Gina on A Different World.

The girl has a body and she's funny.

Give it up for Ajai Sanders.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo.AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yo.

Ain't got one thing to say. I love being a woman

because y'all got some fine brothers out here.

I like y'all some brothers.

You know what I... I love being a woman

because you know, ladies, you know the deal, right?

You know we are the most powerful people on the planet.

Right? Yeah?

I love being a female because we can just do things, you know,

that, you know, certain people can't do.

I'm serious. We are.

I mean, it's been proven through the ages.

Powerful women.

Samson and Delilah,

Adam and Eve, you know.

I think another powerful sister...

I don't know if y'all agree with me or not,

but I think another powerful sister is Anita Hill.

Now, at first I didn't understand this trial

because I thought the woman was raped,

I thought she was touched, I thought something was...

Some physical contact was going on, right?

But the woman said she was offended

because he kept bragging about how big his penis was,

and he was single at the time, right.

And she said she didn't want to ruin her future because she didn't want to,

you know, up... Upset him because he was in such a powerful position.

Ladies, excuse me,

but if a black man is single,

got a good job, and a big penis,

what's the problem?

That's what I'm looking for.

Sure did, man.

Because the bottom line in a relationship...

The bottom line is we all want respect from one another.

That's the bottom line. You know what I'm saying'?

That's all we want, you know.

Ladies, before I get out of here I have... I have one thing to say.

Don't do anything kinky with your man until you get that ring, girl.

I'm serious, because see I...

That was my mistake in my relationship.

I'm serious.

I did something kinky with my...

He... He gave my body parts nicknames,AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yo!

And for that particular part down there he called it his kitty cat.

And every time he wanted something

he said, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

So like a fool, I go over and give him some, right?

One night we were getting busy

and I said, "Baby, do you love me?"

He didn't say nothing.

So I said... [CLEARING THROAT]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Baby, do you love me?"

He still didn't say nothing.

And I got an attitude, right,

because I'm giving him my kitty cat.

So I hit him upside the head.

I said, "Baby."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?"

Thank you, guys. I love you, Robin Harris. Peace!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey,

let's give my girl a round of applause, Ajai.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Coming to the stage, my man's very funny.

He's from Atlanta, Georgia.

Give it up for my man, William Wilson.

All right, all right.

Man.

Tell you right now, I'm still kind of mad

'cause I just got a divorce and my wife took half my money.

I hated to break that 20.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know how it is, fellas. You know you... You try to protect your stuff, right?

So when I got married, I said she ain't taking my stuff,

so I put all my stuff in my brother's name.

Then he divorced. Now his wife's got half my shit.

But I'm going to get married again. I want a wife.

I want some kids, man.

I don't have any kids. I'm getting old, you know.

Mess around too long, I'll have adults and shit.

I got to get me some kids, man, you know.

I know, don't... If you're going to adopt,

you better be cool because them...

Those shows will trick you.

Have you seen them television shows come on late at night

and the lady's always crying,

"Please, get little Bijoux here.

"He's just so lonely. He needs somebody to love him

"and he's just so hungry."

And you just start breaking down like,

"Oh, shit. He is kind of cute.

"I should get him." And then they clinch it.

"And he can be yours for just 39 cents a day."

I'm like, "39 cents? That's a deal."

You get down there,

[SNIFFLING] "I... I want one of those 39-cent kids.

"You got change for a dollar?"

Can't feed no kid for 39 cents a day.

I took the boy home. He ate up the whole house, man.

Two weeks later, I'm on TV.

[SOBBING] "Please...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Take him off my hands."

Then you know what I said? I said, you know,

there's a lot of single women out there with children.

They need a good man and a good father for their children.

But, ladies, you're too touchy with them kids.

Am I right, fellas? You know how they are.

You know, "Hey, this is my son right here

"and I want you to love him like he was your own."

But you can't touch him, can you, fellas?

I don't care how bad they are,

you got to wait till they leave the room.

"Yeah, baby, yeah, get me a glass of water, too.

"Yeah, thank you.

"Sit your ass down somewhere."

They come running out, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

"Don't you hit my boy.

"He's mine. You tell me what he did and I'll handle it.

"You keep your hands off of him."

And they wait until he's eight or nine years old.

He's too big now. Now he... Now they want the help.

"Will, will you go in there? He won't listen to me.

"He's just too grown. He needs a man. You got to be firm."

You better not touch them now. They ain't going for it.

I didn't know it. I pulled my belt off.

"Stand back. I'll handle this."

Took my belt off, went into the room.

I had to fight for my life, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That kid was hitting me back.

I was like, "Your mother told you to sit down over here.

"I know you didn't raise your..."

Fool...

"Don't you hit... Wait a minute... Mother..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, here comes Mom, "Why are you hitting him?"

"Because my gun was jammed, God..."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man.

I'd like to stay up here longer, but to tell you the truth,

my underwear kicking my ass.

I got to get out of here.

They about to cut me in half. You know what happened?

Let... Let... Let my lady go shopping for me.

You know how it is with, "Baby, I'll be back. I'm going to the mall."

"Well what you going to get?" "Some underwear."

"Oh, I know a place... I know right where..."

Women always know someplace to go, don't they?

Always she takes you to this place, some huge place,

this Drawers-R-Us or something.

I don't know what the name of this joint is.

She's running through there like she's in Disneyland.

"Look at all the drawers, baby.

"I told you. I told you you could find some drawers.

"Look... Look.

"Get some of those."

I said, "What's that?"

"Bikini briefs. They're so hot."

I said, "They look a little tight."

"No, no, no, they look good.

"See, look at the mannequin."

I look at the mannequin, the mannequin's like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I want to be sexy, right?

I buy a pair of these drawers, put them on that night.

You know what? You got to stand like this, man.

I thought it was me, right?

I get to a party, four or five brothers

standing around the party like this.

"Hey, what's up? Drawers-R-Us? I hear you, man."

Hey, you guys been great. You guys take it easy.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. [CLEARS THROAT]

My man who's getting ready to come to the stage

is a 1990 Star Search winner of $100,000.

Yo, and gave half of that shit to the homeless.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I love you, homeless, but I can't do nothing for you, man.

No, joking, joking.

I'm gonna give back.

I'm just playing.

No... No, I will, sugar. I'm gonna give back.

I'm gonna give back, man.

But...

I am.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I give a dollar out every day, know what I'm sayin', all right.

No, but my man is funny.

He had a one-night stand this past year along with myself.

The boy is funny. He's from Chicago.

Give it up for Michael Colyar.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Uh... Uh... Uh, wait. Shit, I'm mad.

I'm going to start right now what I'm pissed off about.

I'm pissed off about the Rodney King business.

The latest thing about the shit that bothers me

is now the police want to get off.

They said they shouldn't have to go to trial

because they didn't get a speedy trial.

They... They've been violated.

Let me tell you what pissed me off.

Number one, you don't treat humans like that.

But secondly, this is what really fucked me up,

they lied on Rodney King.

They said Rodney King was doing 117 miles an hour in a fucking Hyundai.

Now look, wait a minute.

When in the fuck have you ever seen anybody

doing 100 miles an hour in a Hyundai?

Let me say this. If you out driving on the freeway

and you see somebody go zipping by

at 100 miles an hour in a fucking Hyundai,

I suggest you get your ass off that freeway.

Have a nap, because you are fucked up,

okay?

The only way...

The...

The only way you can do 100 miles an hour

in a Hyundai is if you going down a steep hill

full of fat people with a heavy tail wind.

That shit don't happen.

It don't happen.

And I'm going to say something,

and this is not a racist statement,

but only white folks was shocked

when they saw that tape.

Police whupping black folks in a black community ain't no new shit.

When I saw that, I thought it was a fucking new Timex commercial.

I didn't know what the fuck it was.

What the fuck it was.

Shit, I... I called my manager.

I called my manager and said, "God damn, how come I wasn't up for that?

"Who is Rodney King and why is he getting all the damn work?

"That's what I want to know."

And any black man watch that and still driving, you're brave.

You're goddamn brave.

I'm scared to drive. I bought a fucking bus pass.

I'm scared to drive.

If I look in the rearview mirror and see the police coming,

I start worrying about shit I did back in the sixth grade.

"I didn't push him, man. My mama called. I don't know."

And I'm going to say this, man. Last week,

the police made me get out of the car. Scared the shit out of me.

I said, "Well..." "Get out..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[STAMMERS] "What'd I do, Officer?"

He said, "Well, you're doing 15 in a 20."

"15 in a 20?"

"Yeah, you're going too goddamn slow."

So I jumped out of the car, I grabbed a black jack

and started whipping myself, just whipping myself.

See, that way, you cut out the fucking middle man.

See what I'm saying?

You cut him on out of there.

You know, you don't... You don't need him.

Hey, real quick, let me just do a quick check.

How many people here do crack besides me...

Smoke crack? Raise your hands.

One, just one, two.

Now anybody ever smoked crack?

I don't smoke that shit no more, used to.

Anybody used to?

Be honest. Come on, you lying motherfuckers.

Be honest. Get them hands up.

Shit, I did crack. All right?

That's why I talk about that shit 'cause I'd never do it again,

but I did a lot. Not a little bit.

I did a lot of... I did so much fucking crack

one day I broke in my own fucking house.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You hear me? I ain't lying.

I ain't lying.

Mmm-mmm. I ain't bullshittin'. Look...

I was halfway out the door with the TV

before I realized it was my fucking place.

I didn't know.

I fucked up. I was springing.

They call it sprung. I was springing.

You know... You know what sprung is.

Sprung when you turn your life over to crack.

You'll do anything for a piece of... Wait, I'm sorry.

Okay. You'll do anything for a piece of crack.

You'll jump through a plate glass window if you thought that white...

No, wait a minute. I'm sorry.

If you thought that white speck in the shag rug was a piece of crack.

And when you on crack, everything small and white look like crack to you.

Small piece of paper, small piece of lint,

small, white poodle. You think it's crack.

And then people say, "Michael, how you stay so slim and trim?"

Shit, I don't mind telling you...

Crack diet... Crack diet.

Yeah, do you want to lose some weight? Fuck Jenny Craig.

You want to lose some weight?

Start smoking crack.

You will lose weight two ways.

Number one, you lose weight because when you smoke crack,

you automatically lose your appetite.

But secondly, and this is where you really lose the weight,

is running back and forth to the pawn shop

to sell your shit.

One last vice I do want to talk about.

Anybody here fucking besides me?

Anybody else fucking?

All right, we do have some fuckers in the house.

Good, because I got to talk to you about safe sex for one second.

A lot of people didn't raise their hand,

but I really believe that everybody in this audience is either fucking

or knows somebody that is.

All I'm talking about right now

is protecting the ding-a-ling.

Now, there's only two ways to do this.

Only one way is a sure way.

We call that abstinence.

That's right, abstinence.

That means completely give up sex.

Okay, fuck that, yeah.

Second way...

Second way

make a lot more sense and that is the proper use of a condom.

But more people can't even pronounce the word condom.

I ain't bullshitting you. One person told me it was a "conderm."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One guy said "condrone."

Of course, my favorite word for it is a "condominium."

People say, "But what about you? What about you, damn it?

"Do you practice what you preach, safe sex?

"Do you utilize the condom

"each and every time you have sex?"

Hell, yeah.

Shit, I'm wearing one right now.

I'm out of here. I'm history. I'm gone, bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Michael Colyar. Give him a round... Another round of applause, please.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I... Right now, I'd like to bring...

Bring out my man, you know, that made it possible,

Russell Simmons.

You got some hair under there, man? Take your hat off.

I want to thank y'all for bringing the flavor tonight,

and we'll see y'all next week.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

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