Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Make some noise.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yes!

Thank y'all for coming out

tonight in the house.

Hey,

my man, Derrick Coleman, ladies and gentlemen, from the New Jersey Nets.

And T. Mills. Wassup?

Wassup, D?

D!

Six-ten, Derrick.

No, I love you, man, that's my brother, man.

Derrick Coleman. Three million a year, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Paid!

You ain't got to rap the girls, though.

You just walk up like this and, "Hey, three-mil."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where you live at? Which way you going?

"Okay, I can drive my own car. I'll meet you there."

That's good, man. Love you though, bro.

Oh, my man, Ed Lover, MTV. Wassup, man?

Give Ed a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And Todd 1. What's up, Todd?

[EXCLAIMS] You know, with MTV, Todd 1.

You know who Todd's girl is, right?

MC Lyte, and guess what?

He got a tattoo on his chest. Got MC Lyte on this shit.

And I used to fuck her.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Hey, hey, believe me.

There's a lot of light at the end of that tunnel, boy.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[LAUGHS] Man, you want to still fuck with me?

No, he messed with me all night, but you my man.

Welcome. Thank y'all for coming [LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We also got some other people in the house I'd like to acknowledge.

Lawrence Taylor and Ice T.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And Ice T, yeah!

[MARTIN EXCLAIMS]

Now wassup, man? Hold on, what's up?

LT, right, and Ice T. What, man, wassup? Y'all got the same mother?

Wassup, man?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What is he, a albino linebacker?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING] That's a joke. You want to hear some...

[IN A HIGH-PITCHED TONE] You my motherfuckers.

Just playing.

And LT, you better fuck me up too, man.

'Cause you ended Theismann's shit. I was just playin'.

See, that's what's there, LT. We boys!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He looking at me like this.

[LOW SNARLING]

I was just playing. I was just playing.

I'm just fucking with everybody. That's your lady, right there?

That's your lady! Hey, how you doing?

You look a little nervous. Got your little...

That's a lot of hair weaving, you know that?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm just joking. I'm just... No, I'm just joking. [LAUGHING]

No, there's a bald horse in Central Park.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

[EXCLAIMS]

Just playing. All right, y'all.

You having a good time? Y'all having a good time here?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

All right. Coming to the stage is my man, a very funny guy.

You've seen him on a lot of the comedy specials. He's from Cleveland, Ohio.

Y'all give it up for A. J. Jamal.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

How's everybody doing?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

What's happening?

Doing a lot of traveling, man. Went home to see my mom and dad.

I like hanging out with my mom. My mom is so cool.

And maybe your mother was like this, be honest.

My mother made us think that Jehovah's Witness was a gang.

We thought they had guns. They'd ring the doorbell, "Get down! Get down!

"Everybody, in the kitchen, in the kitchen!

"Don't close that door. Come here, come here!"

"Mama, somebody's on the porch."

"Just get down, get down."

"They peeking through the curtains."

Yeah, I go back home, man.

I like New York, though. Eat a lot of food up here. Y'all got different food.

I had some Chinese food the other day.

That good food, 'cause they'll make anything for you, don't they?

"You got some shrimp fried rice?" [MUMBLES]

"Egg foo young?" [MUMBLES] "Yeah, egg foo young."

"Some bacon and cornbread?" [MUMBLES] "We can make for you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"How about some barbequed corn flakes?"

"Barbeque... Wait one moment."

"Yeah, we got barbequed corn flakes."

[LAUGHS]

They'll make it, won't they?

"Got a suede coat back there?"

"We got a cow. What's your size?"

I had some Indian food. You ever eat that Indian food?

That's some spicy food. Blow your butt hole out, didn't it?

[MIMICS EXPLOSION] Whoa!

I caught some toilet paper on fire, that Indian...

[LAUGHS]

Ain't nothing you can do when your butt burned

and walk around with that butt burned-look.

You can't put ice on the butt hole, you know.

Yeah, starting to date again. Met a nice young lady.

Don't you hate to meet somebody too nice.

Yeah, that's right, too nice.

You know what I'm talking about. A lady.

I mean I'll open the door for somebody,

but you know, we get to the place.

I get out of the car. She's still sitting in there.

I'm thinking, maybe the door jammed.

You know, I have that problem some time.

You got to reach out and open it.

Yeah, she talking about, "I want my man to open the door,

"so I can get out."

"Okay. Just remember, at the end of the night,

"I want my woman to open her legs so I can get in."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

You ever made love with somebody

that ain't' made love in a long time, like four years?

Got that wild love. Boy, they just... They untamed.

They throw you out the bed.

You ever been thrown out the bed?

I don't mean like, she say, "Get up and get out."

I mean... [LOUD MOANING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[LAUGHING AND MUMBLING]

What do you do when you're thrown out the bed?

Get back in it.

It's my bed. I was like, "Whoa."

I got me a piece of rope, I jumped on, and I was like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ten seconds.

She was like... [IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Wild love!

Them rappers make wild love, them rappers.

'Cause you can tell.

Women go crazy, like LL and stuff.

I don't care, you ever... LL be naked at the end of his songs, don't he?

LL can start off with four overcoats, three hats, turtleneck,

ski mask, gloves, mittens, two pairs of boots.

By the end of the song, he like, "All right...

"All right...

"All right..."

You know what they need? You ever see a gay rapper, that would be cool.

You... A gay rapper. Put your hands together...

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

[INSTRUMENTAL RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ My name is Paris, but I'm not from France

♪ I make my own clothes, but I can't dance ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[POPPING LIPS]

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I'm A.J. Jamal.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] Yeah!

Y'all, give him another round of applause. A.J. Jamal.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[CLEARS THROAT] Coming to the stage, from Los Angeles,

is a very funny woman. I got to work with her on the road

and it's always a pleasure and I know you going to enjoy.

Give it up for Simply Marvelous.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

How you doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

God damn it, how you doing? How your mama doing?

That Martin Lawrence is a funny motherfucker, ain't he?

Boy, but he can eat a coochie.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

But you know, some people just take

shit a little bit too goddamn far.

You know what I'm saying? He had me knocking on his door this morning,

"Look, Martin, can I have my ovaries back?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, shit, there ain't nothing wrong with oral sex.

There ain't nothing wrong with oral sex.

Oral sex will have you reaching for shit ain't there.

[LAUGHS]

And if they do it right... You know what I'm saying?

If they do it right, that shit will have your ass walking around in a daytime

with a flashlight looking for that motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Don't get me wrong, ain't nothing wrong with sex.

Look, I'm in for sex, safe sex,

lock the motherfucking door.

See that shit with Magic Johnson?

Poor old Magic. I'm sorry, he got that disease and shit.

You know what I'm saying? But that fucked up my sex life.

That put my shit on hold. You know what I'm saying?

It put my shit on hold because see, I'm almost forty years old.

I'm at the point in my life, I do not want to make love.

God damn it, I want to fuck.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I want to fuck till I destroy some shit.

I want to fuck till the four walls come down.

I want to fuck till a bird fly over and shit in my bed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But let me tell y'all girls something.

Men, they naughty, they naughty by nature.

You know what I'm saying? They gonna be bad. They gonna be a whore.

If they didn't learn anything from this Magic Johnson,

shit, they should have learned three new words. "No, thank you."

You know what I'm saying? They gonna be a whore.

When their bitch call your house, go get him.

Say, "Look, Scarlett O'Whore here." Go get the bitch.

You hear what I'm saying? Go get him, goddamn it, because see,

I want you to go out there and get you a good insurance policy.

Because see, he ain't gonna last long.

He gonna have HIV, then he gonna have A-I-D-S,

the motherfucker gonna be D-E-A-D

and your ass gonna get P-A-I-D.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

See, I'm trying to find me a good man.

See I'm a single mother. I don't know where their daddy is.

That's why I keep watching America's Most Wanted.

[LAUGHS]

It's hard to find a good man. They either homosexual,

or bisexual, incarcerated, rehabbed,

drugged-out, crazy, stupid, or just plain fucking cheap.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

But I date them young ones. I love them young ones, boy.

Let me tell you how to get them.

Go stand in front of a daycare center,

get you a pack of Huba Bubba and a Big Wheel.

That motherfucker all yours.

Sometimes you might run into a genius and that motherfucker

might want a Nintendo. God damn it.

See, I love New York because I love rappers.

I love them goddamn rappers. You hear what I'm saying?

I love me some... Look, Ice T, you cool with me.

You hear what I'm saying?

What... Ice T and LT, what's with them motherfucking "T"s?

What, your mama was fucking at 2:00 on a Tuesday, during a thunderstorm?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

But let me tell y'all something, LL is my man.

I love me some LL Cool J. When I... Y'all see him,

y'all tell him, simply say,

"Look, she ain't no round the way girl but God damn it,

"she'll be an up the block bitch."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

See, y'all be careful, girls. Before I go, y'all be careful.

See that motherfucker right there? I used to date a man like that.

Took him home, dropped his drawers,

all I saw was kibbles and bits.

Good night, y'all.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Oh!

Simply Marvelous, y'all. Simply Marvelous.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn, you taste... I mean, you a good girl. Simply Marvelous.

[MAN SHOUTS]Oh, shut up.

She good, man... [STUTTERS]

She give good head. I got to love it.

I'm serious, she don't kiss around it, nah!

She right there, right face-to-face.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Not none of this.

No, ain't none of that running shit and I want to thank you, Simply.

Simply Marvelous. Give her another round of applause.

Yo, he from Washington, D.C., the boy's funny, I know you're going to enjoy him.

Give it up for Pierre.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wassup?

Fuck this mike. Let's do this. Let's do this.

We're going to have a good time. I live in L.A. now.

They need a subway. Fuck that.

They got too many people out there begging, hitchhiking,

waiting for rides and shit. I hate hitchhikers, too.

Fellows, next time you see a hitchhiker, do me one favor. Do what I do.

See, pull past them like 50 yards,

pull over, let the nigga run to your car.

They like, "Hey, man, you all right, my brother. You all right, man.

"You pretty cool. You all right, man, you all right."

Soon as they get to your rear bumper, pull off. [IMITATING ENGINE]

I think, what the hell. If 25 more people do that,

he be where the hell he want to be at. He could be like,

"Nigga, thanks, man. I live right here.

"You all right, motherfucker, you all right. My house is right here.

"Thanks, man. Number 19. Thank you. Thank you, motherfucker."

He ain't got no car. He can't catch me.

Fuck that nigga. Shit, fuck him.

[CHUCKLES]

I need the money Def Jampaying me

and I need the money bad too, man.

My phone bill's kicking my butt.

I call them 1-900 numbers, man.

Once! I only did it once, man.

You know them 1-900's are like foreplay. 1-900's, you know,

for them women to talk to you, and get you sexually aroused.

I called one up last week. You know that stuff costs

four dollars for the first minute and ninety-nine cents

for each additional minute for some woman to talk to you

and get you sexually aroused?

I called up some lady...

I had a lady that stutters. She cost me four hundred

and fifteen motherfucking dollars, y'all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She talking about, "[STUTTERING] Babe, what you want to do?"

I'm like, "Well, what you want to do is hurry the hell up.

"This shit is costing me, baby."

I can go out and buy some booty

and have change for that kind of money.

[CHUCKLES] Hear what I'm saying?

I love you, L.A. I love you women out here,

but women are so fine, I'm glad it's getting cold.

Oh, man, I'm glad it's getting cold.

Yeah, 'cause the fashions, man.

I'm glad biker shorts about played out.

'Cause, sisters, y'all have some beautiful bodies,

but all y'all can't wear biker pants.

Hell, just 'cause your girl look nice, don't mean

your ass is going to look good in them.

You know what I'm saying, fellows?

I've got one rule. Women, if you're not sure

you're can wear biker pants, there's one rule.

It goes like this.

If your stomach is bigger than your ass, you can't wear them.

[LAUGHS]

Fellows, you be pulling up to women, "Hey, get your nice healthy ass... Stomach.

"God damn, I thought it was your ass, girl."

Fuck that.

Yeah.

I saw this girl in the mall, man, today.

I ain't seen her since high school. Fine little girl.

I ain't seen her since high school.

She had a child with her, too, man.

Cute little girl. I didn't even know she had a baby.

I said, "Girl, what's up? I didn't know you had a kid. How old is your baby?"

She said, "[LAUGHS] My little Shontay here, she's thirty-four months old."

So, I'm standing there thinking, "How many times does

"twelve go into thirty-four and carry the one..."

"How old is this little motherfucker? I got no time to add-subtract.

"Break it down for me, baby. Shit, one, two, break it down for me."

I ain't got no time... Shit.

You know, I read in the paper some stupid stuff, y'all.

This homeboy got shot over his $130 pair of tennis shoes.

Isn't that the stupidest thing to do? Think about it.

If you shoot a brother over his tennis shoes,

you ain't guaranteed a sure fit.

[LAUGHS AND MUMBLES]

What if them shoes too small

and he walking around with a $130 worth of corns on your feet and shit.

Can't shoot no ball with them.

Hey, I know about being shot, y'all. I got shot a couple years ago.

Yeah, man, I was hanging out with my boys thinking I'm cool.

True story, I got shot three times.

I got shot in the hand, the calf, and in the back.

Running my mouth with my fellas.

I'm in McDonald's. I order some food.

We walk out to my car, we jamming, having a good time,

thinking about what party we want to go to.

All of a sudden, his brother approached and he started talking trash.

Now, I'm with my boys, I'm gonna talk trash back.

I'm like, "Wassup? Wassup?

"What you want to do, huh? What you want to do?"

The guy pulled a gun out and I said, "Hey, wassup?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Bean pie, my brother?" [LAUGHS]

He's like, "Ah, bean pie, shit... [IMITATES GUNFIRE]

And just started shooting and everybody is running

and I say, "Oh." See, he shot me in the leg first, like, pow!

Like, "Oh, shit. This nigga crazy. He's crazy."

Shit, I'm running and everybody's running up,

trying to get back into McDonald's.

You know they locked the door on my ass?

"Open the door and serve me!"

"Go through the drive-thru." [IMITATES DOOR LOCKING]

I'm like, "Oh, shit." I'm running, I'm running

and my heart just beating and shit.

"Oh, my God, he's gonna kill me."

He shot me in the back. Pow!

Like, "Oh, no!" I'm like, "Oh, no, Lord, don't kill me,

"don't kill me." He shot me in the hand. Pow!

"Ow, hey! You with the gun. I ain't the only motherfucker out here.

"You can spread them bullets around equally. That nigga ain't been shot.

"You ain't been shot, nigga.

"No, nigga, you ain't been shot."

God bless you. I'm out of here.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Give a round of applause for Pierre.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay. All right. Yo, coming to the stage is my man.

A very funny brother, I'm telling you. Yo, get ready.

So, strap your shit and get ready because this is my man.

He has his own show.

Yo, give it up for D.L. Hughley.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Come on, make some noise real loud, y'all.

Everybody talking about fucking, man, I don't know. Magic, that shit.

I ain't... No. I ain't down with OPP, HIV, I ain't down with shit.

But the brother was brave because I don't care what you say,

Magic came out and told everybody,

"I got it." That was brave. I don't give a fuck what you say.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]I don't care.

Cause a nigga like me would have never told.

I could have been three pounds.

"No, ain't shit wrong with me, no, nigga...

"I'm fucking with that Dick Gregory, but hey...

"I ain't shit wrong with me." I know it.

It ain't even safe to fuck no more, man.

You can die fucking. Ain't nothing worth dying for.

I can't think of shit I'd die for.

If a motherfucker pull a gun on my mother I'd be like,

"Hey, what'd she do?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"She fuck with your money?"

"I'm sorry, Mama, you got to go.

"You pray all the time, you going to heaven. Stop crying."

I'm not bullshitting. They couldn't have sent me to that Desert Storm.

Desert Storm? Nigga, it's a storm over here.

Fuck that, I'm not dying for nobody.

And white people try to trick you.

"Giving your life for your country, hey,

"that's the greatest thing you can do."

That's bullshit. Remember, the coward lives to tell

how that brave motherfucker got killed.

He ran at the cannons and then I ran home, with my check. [LAUGHS]

I'm not dying for nobody. I will write a book about it

called Gone Like a Motherfucker.

Ain't shit worth dying over, man, I'm not bullshitting.

That's why I could never have a job where I was expected to give my life.

Like a secret service agent

got to jump in front of the President and take a bullet.

I can see me my first day at work.

"Uh, something wrong." "Where's the President?"

"That motherfucker laying in the street."

"Where you at?" "I'm behind a truck, nigga!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit.

Shit. I'm not dying for nobody,

'cause I want to get paid.

I don't know about y'all, I want to be rich.

Whatever you got to do to make money,

long as you don't hurt nobody, is fine with me.

Like, everybody talking about James Worthy,

Los Angeles Lakers, got busted in a motel room with two prostitutes.

Ladies, how many of you would leave him for that? That's what I thought.

That motherfucker make five million dollars a year.

For five million dollars a year, James Worthy

could fuck me, you understand that?

"Go on, do what you want, James.

"Man, you sure you don't know nobody I know, right?"

Two weeks later I'll be on Oprah. "Oprah, he used me.

"James didn't really love me."

My boy say you got to have money to take women

to restaurants because women go to restaurants, they lose their goddamn mind.

They got to order from that expensive side of the menu.

The side with the steak, and the lobster, and the Dom Perignon.

Guys like to give them that little warning, too.

"Oh, honey, you understand,

"that's the fucking side of the menu. You understand that?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, no, no, no, no.

"No... No, you order from that side of the menu,

"somebody is fucking. You understand that?

"I'm not saying it's you, but somebody

"live where you live, is fucking me.

"You understand that?

"It's steak, lobster, and dick. It is a combination."

That's right.

I wonder that men and women at home making love

she's going, "God, can we stop now?"

"Uh-uh, bitch. You want them chicken wings, you keep going.

"And you had a doggy bag.

"That means I'm coming back tomorrow, God damn it."

Fuck that.

'Cause black mothers are always the same, man.

Women, they get up, they grow old,

they become mothers, black mothers are all...

Man, when you be way down the street, your mother call you in the house

like it was an emergency. You run in the house.

"Come here! Come here!" You run in the house.

[PANTING] "What you want, Mama?"

"Turn the TV."

It's like, "Ain't you right next to that motherfucker?

"I hate her. Make me sick." "What you say?"

"Nothing? Dang!

"Stinky lady.

"Mama stink."

I don't know, man.

A lot of people believe in Heaven,

a lot of people believe in Hell, man. A lot of people do, man.

Somebody ask me, did I believe in Heaven and Hell.

I said, "I don't know," you know. But then I was reading.

I read that a hundred million Africans...

A hundred million Africans, dig this,

died in the slave trade. A hundred million!

Man, there's only two hundred and fifty million people in this country.

A hundred million people is more than some countries have.

That'd be like a third of this country.

That'd be like every third motherfucker everywhere you went

just got up and walked out, never came back.

Do I believe in Heaven and Hell?

I believe, if you've been black

you should automatically get to go to Heaven

because you done already caught Hell.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Right that.

Shit.

Brothers, do that, man, because I believe in Jesus.

I don't want to be one of them brothers that don't believe in Jesus.

Because what the Bible say, the Bible scares the shit out of you.

"Jesus is coming back like a thief in the night."

The night? When you look at it,

that's when you do most of your fucking up.

You get that knock at that motel door.[MIMICS DOOR KNOCKING]

"Who is it?" "It is I, my son."

[GASPS]

"Girl, put your panties on, that's Jesus at the door."

I got to go. See ya.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Thank you very much. I'd like to bring my man up. Come here, man.

Little rich scoop.

Come here, man.

Russell!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

What... What? Say what, man?

Russell, say a little something to people on how you feel.

Thank you all for the block party,

I'll see y'all next week. Peace.

Later.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

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