Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen do me a big, big, big favor.

Put your hands together for a great man.

His name is Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yo. Wassup?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIM]

Give it up for my man, Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah.

Whoa, man. This is nice. Brothers hanging out.

How y'all feel?AUDIENCE: All right.

You doin' good? Hey, you motherfuckers are long.

You look like the Thing or some shit like that.

That's your real hair?No.

Ah, okay. Oops.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Whoo!

I know when he's done with you... [MUMBLES] Fuck it.

Oh, that's nice. I'd like to play with that if you get some time later.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah, what's going on?

My man's in the house. Give him a round of applause. My partner!

This boy's bad. Wesley Snipes.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MARTIN EXCLAIMS]

You a bad motherfucker, boy.

You smile at me, motherfucker. Don't sit there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This ain't New Jack City. Wassup boy?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Nigga sittin' there like he Nino.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You know it, motherfucker. Wassup?

Bad chocolate motherfucker, ain't he?

That motherfucker's too cold.

He did some shit in Jack City that just made motherfuckers, "Oh, shit!"

He a bad motherfucker. I know you got it good, Wes.

Women can't leave your ass now, can they?

I bet in the day they used to dog you,

"You ain't shit. Get your ass outta here.

"You little black motherfucker. Get the fuck outta here."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING]

Now you the motherfuckin' man.

Now you tell a woman like this, "Get your shit and get out."

And she like this...

[PANTING][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What's wrong with you?

"I'm sayin' just talk to me, all right?

"You ain't got... I mean, why you gettin' all upset?"

It's the American way.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLES AND HOOTS]

Y'all look good though, man. Thank you for comin' out

and supporting the Def Comedy Jam.

Thank you very much. Y'all look real good.

Some beautiful shit, man. Feel good bein' black!

For real. For real.

Comin' to the stage, since you're havin' so much fun,

I know you're gonna enjoy him.

He's from... He's one of the hottest comedians in Jersey,

and he's here to kick it up.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo. Give it up for Bill Bellamy.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey! We in the house.

Oh, shit. Give it up for all the ladies in the house, fellas.

Let the dogs loose.

[AUDIENCE BARKING]

God damn!

I've been watching TV a lot, trippin' me out.

Y'all... everybody here seen those early pregnancy test commercials?

You notice they only got white people on them?

And everybody in the commercial is happy?

The girl come out the bathroom, "Honey..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Guess what?"

And he's sitting on the couch, "What, babe?"

"We are positive." "Fuckin' A!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That shit ain't real!

I want to see a sister, I want to see a sister.

Every brother in here want to just see one sister go in the bathroom.

She be in there, she be like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

"Damn."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHS]

"Guess what?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Your ass need a job."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES] You know what I'm sayin'?

The shit is crazy, man. Crazy shit, man.

Lot of crazy stuff happened to me, man.

New York is fly, but one thing I don't like about New York, man,

when you come over here and you drive, every time, tell the truth.

When you park on a bad street, don't you always turn around

and look at your car like you may never see that motherfucker again?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Come on now, I don't feel like walkin'.

Motherfuckers crazy, man!

They got this new car alarm I want to tell y'all about.

Every brother in here, sister, got a nice car.

They got this new car alarm that be out in '92, right?

If they steal your car, the car alarm will call your house.

This shit is real.

I said to myself, "Imagine this, right?"

Saturday night 'bout four o'clock in the morning.

You asleep. [SNORING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[SNORING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"Uh, hello?"

"Yo, Bill, wake up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Who is it?" "It's the car, man."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

[CRYING] "Ah, man! They got me down here

"and they takin' out the radio and everything."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[SOBS]

"All right, all right. Where you at?"

[SOBBING] "I don't know. You better hurry up.

"Wait a minute, here they come. I'll call you back."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That shit is crazy.

Crazy shit, man.

Women in here, man. I was reading an article recently.

Women want to be made... They want you to make love to 'em good.

Am I right, ladies?

Y'all wanna hear that shit?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Brothers, you gotta kick that shit out!

Don't give out no weak shit 'cause women will talk.

And the ones that clap done told,

they don't fuck around.

You could tell, too.

You could tell when you give out some weak shit.

You be tryin' to find your shoes you be like, "Damn..."

"Where my shoes at?"

"They right here."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Get your sorry ass outta here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Serious, man. You know what's crazy, too, about women

that's different from men?

Women can have orgasms, right?

And it just looks so pretty, man.

You ever seen a woman have an orgasm? She's like...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

"Don't touch me, don't touch."

Right? There ain't a brother in here

that can have a smooth orgasm,

and sisters know we be tryin' our best, right? We be in there...

Ugh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, Imma...

Hold up. Hold up. Then we just get like, crazy retarded. We like...

[UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

[UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

That shit is crazy, man!

Then you try to have...

Then you have a woman, they ask you questions and shit

when you havin' an orgasm. You don't even know the English language.

She be like, "Honey, honey, wipe your mouth.

"Stop makin' that face." You be like...

[UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

Crazy shit, man. Shit is crazy.

Before I leave, though, I just want to say something.

If you got somebody that you care about

and they love you and they treat you right, you gotta hold onto 'em.

Give a round of applause for that shit, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUD]

'Cause it's hard, man.

It's hard tryin' to find somebody today

that's, like, got all their teeth

and everything workin', and shit. It's crazy.

You know what's crazy, right?

How many times have you seen someone that you like, right?

Somebody introduce you to 'em, right?

You be out there, you be like, "Hey, how you doin'?"

And they be like...

[MOUTHING] Fuck you.

I'll show you a prime example tonight

why the shit never works out, right?

Now say, for instance, I like this lady right here.

Check it out, right? Nice lookin' lady.

She would not like me.

She would like him right here. See?

See? See this brother right here?

But he would not like your ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No, 'cause he'd like him right there.[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

My name is Bill Bellamy. It's been real, y'all. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him a round of applause. Bill Bellamy.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I don't know why he tellin' jokes.

The motherfucker just a model, man.

Damn. Pretty motherfucker.

New Jack City,right?

New Jack City. Yo, you hit that line, "Pretty motherfucker."

So, yo, we gonna keep this show rollin'. Hope you're having a good time.

Coming to the stage is one of my personal favorites.

Um, this is one of the baddest women out, in my opinion.

Yo, she's bad and she's gonna do work,

and I know you're gonna love her.

She's from Oakland, California.

Yo, give it up for Laura Hayes.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey. Oh, shit.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, Martin, for that beautiful introduction.

Remind me to suck... I mean, thank you later.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hold it!

See?

I'm from a big family of girls you know, we been,

you know, raised to stick together.

Yeah, they all big, too.

Yeah, but you know how your sisters and your girlfriends

won't tell you when your man foolin' around?

Oh, we tell, baby. Go right to the phone.

"Hey, sis? Yeah, motherfucker down at the mall.

"Oh, no, you right. You right. That's disrespectful.

"Mr. Motherfucker down at the mall.

"Yeah, girl, with some tramp with blonde extensions in her hair."

'Cause you know every time when there's a problem, my mother is the dispatcher.

She'll dispatch us out whenever there's a problem.

She'll get right on the phone,

"Laura, Bertha, Julie, Ruthie. Get on over to Alice's house.

"That nigga done read a black man guide."

So, we jump in the car and we rollin'

and I got a 1000 pounds ridin' with me, God damn it.

We slappin' five over the seat and shit.

Get to my baby sister's house

and this nigga's just about to swing and I go,

"Oh, no, motherfucker, not today! God damn it. Fuck that!"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Not today.

No, baby.

No! Mmm-mmm.

C'mon!

No.

No, no, no. See?

'Cause Mr. and Mrs. Hayes didn't raise no punk bitches, you see?

Oh, yeah, and we all wear hair, too.

I love my hair. I got about 40 or 50 of these at home.

Whenever I meet a man, I take him to the wig wall,

I say, "Now look, you just pick whatever one you want to do the wild thing in."

And ladies, you know how men,

people be fuckin' with you about your hair and your hair wigs?

Fuck that![APPLAUSE]

Fuck that!

'Cause they ask me all the time, "Is that your hair?"

"I still have the receipt."

And it's good in the rain, too.

You know how you have to be runnin',

your perm be gettin' wet? And you be, "Oh! Oh!"

See, I don't have to do that. I just be walkin'.

Walkin' in the hood, "What's up girl? What's happenin'?"

Get home, shake it out. Hang it up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I got over that embarrassment long time ago.

Back in the '70's. Remember the Super Flydays?

Am I the oldest motherfucker in here? Okay.

Okay, so I had my hair done, it was like, poof, poof, poof.

Had on the diamond rings, fur coat.

Went to step out of a limo, and left the shit swingin' on the door.

From then on I said, "Fuck it. I ain't gonna worry about it."

And the little oriental lady that sells me my wigs,

she love to see me coming.

She be like, [IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT] "Oh, Laura. How you doing?

"Come on in, I got a nice wig for you.

"It's you color."

She know every goddamn one is my color.

And I just turned 40 a couple of years ago.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

But I went wild though, baby, after I turn 40.

You know, you turn 40 and you start gettin' into younger men.

I was tossin' 'em.

I was tossin' 'em, though.

I was like, "Come here. Shut up. Fuck. Get out."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]]

See ya.

Thank you very much, I'm Laura Hayes.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, I'd like to give a shout out to someone who just stepped in the house.

He a bad motherfucker and he on Def Jam.

LL Cool J.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

MARTIN: What's up, man?

How you livin', L?

How you livin', L?

[SHRIEKS]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] That's my motherfucker there.

So, yo,

we gonna bring to the stage

a brother that is one of Russell Simmons' personal favorites...

[CHUCKLES]

...and he's a wild boy, so brace yourself.

He's from Brooklyn.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, give it up for G. George.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

What the fuck is this? A family reunion?

God damn, is Brooklyn in the house?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right. We gonna set this off. Fasten your seat belts.

This shit is definitely real.

Now, how many y'all like sex?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Who loves to talk about sex?

Now, check this out. Just the other day, right?

I went to the top floor of the World Trade Center. They got a bar up there.

And I see this bitch got more butt than a box of Newports.

Draggin' a wagon. Plenty of junk in her trunk.

So I slides up on her. I said, um...

"Moosie poo, Sugar bloomers.

"I mean, uh,

"what's the flavor, neighbor?

"I'm ready to suck a fort out your ass.

"Shit.

"As a matter of fact,

"I'm ready to spin, bitch, slide up in your guts,

"split open your butt and bust a ferocious nut all over your chest

"and rub it in like it's calamine lotion."

Girlfriend said, "Nigga,

"why don't you act like you should raise up off me?

"'Cause I don't need you.

"Let the welfare feed you. Your mother made you, let mother fuck you.

"Now, put some wheels on eels and skate off, before I be fired your ass."

I said, "Baby, why you talkin' like that?"

She said, "'Cause my name is Polly-Oh-the-ho.

"That's why I got all this cheese back here. I don't think you could handle it."

I said, "Well, baby, if you was mine,

"I would suck the cheese out your toes, caress your kneecaps,

"eat the blueberry critters out your butt,

"tongue kiss your armpits, drink your bathwater with a crazy straw.

"And as long as I got a face, you got somewhere to sit."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, girlfriend said, "Well, come on,

"let's go to the bar and talk about this."

I said, "Whatever's clever, Miss Trevor."

So I'm followin' behind her lookin' at the cheese go left to right, right?

I said, "God damn."

So, we sit down. We drinkin' Long Island iced teas,

kicking the political blase, propaganda rhetoric and bogus, you know,

the willy bo-bo.

Rubbin' each other hips, playin' footsies.

All of a sudden, the door kick in, pa-boom!

When the smoke cleared,

seen a motherfucker with a strap as long as Dick Tracy,

with a screw face like Shabba Ranks.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Got his hand in his pocket like this.

I said, "Oh, my God. Dude gonna rob the joint.

"I only got 15 cents over Chinese food in my clothes.

"I'll be fucked up, I gotta take that iron horse tonight.

"Oh, my God!"

Bad enough, I'm tryin' to get girlfriend to pay for these Long Island iced teas.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Anyway, instead of pulling out a Mac-10 with a banana clip,

guess what this motherfucker pulled out?

A .40.

He said, "This shit here is guaranteed to make every day in your bedroom

"some type of spectacular."

Girlfriend gave me the elbow.

"Check this punk ass nigga."

Soft and velvety cheese.

She's like a baby shoe. He booty.

He can't throw rice at a Chinese wedding.

Ain't going to hurt nothin' lettin' them die.

I should be fighting his ass.

I said, "Chill, baby, hear the man out."

He said, "For example."

Took a goggle. [GULPING]

And walked out the window.

Now, remember,

we a hundred and some storeys in the fuckin' air.

This motherfucker walked out the window,

go around the motherfucking building,

come back in the door, "Ta-da!" like Roger Rabbit.

Know what girlfriend said?

"Let me at that bottle."

Snatched the shit, drunk it down to the suds,

threw it behind her back, did a dance like she was Greek,

turned around and said, "Don't let my drink get hot."

I said, "Bitch, where is you goin'?"

She stepped one foot out the window,

and fell 100 some storeys to her death.

Bartender wiping the motherfucking table off.

[CHUCKLES] He said, "Superman, you a funny motherfucker sometimes.

"I swear to God."

Man, I got to go.

Man, they got me on short time.

I'm gonna put some wheels on my heels and skate.

Man, I'm outta here like Belvedere with no underwear.

Peace to my man, Terrell, and peace to Brooklyn.

Y'all take care. Y'all lookin' nice tonight.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

For those of y'all who don't know what the fuck G. George was sayin',

we got dictionaries in the back.

No, that's my man. Give him a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

We gonna kick it.

Comin' from my motherfucking home town...

I know white people going,

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] "Do they have to say motherfucker all the time?"

'Cause you know, that's just the way we talk.

"Hey, motherfucker, what's up?

"Motherfucker? Ah, go ahead, motherfucker.

"Oh, you a wild motherfucker."

That's just how we do.

White people get offended, "Hey, motherfucker!"

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] "Hey, why?"

"Why are you so emotional?

"God."

But that's how we talk.

Yo, comin' to the stage from my home town, the nation's capital.

He's here to do some motherfuckin' work for ya

and I know you're gonna enjoy him.

So, give it up for Ted Carpenter.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

One more time, Martin Lawrence!

Give it up to him!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Is that cool?

Oh, okay.

The first thing I want to say is it's good to do a show

in front of all pretty black folks. I'm telling you the truth.

'Cause I got a fucked-up management company.

No, don't clap. Don't clap!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Niggas be puttin' me on some fucked-up shows. Man, I'm tellin' you now.

Last week, I did a show in New York State Prison.

Niggas got triple, double life.

That means a motherfucker die two times, he gotta come back and do four more years.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Right?

Right? So I'm doin' my shit, right?

I'm being just... I'm, you know, I'm bein' me, right?

Them niggas be in the back sayin',

"Yo, Slim. No, no, no, no. Fuck that.

"Do somebody we know. Do, uh, Richard Pryor."

And I say, "Yo, Slim. I ain't doin' Richard.

"I can't even do the motherfucker."

"You don't do Richard Pryor, we gonna fuck you up!"

[IMITATING RICHARD PRYOR] When I first came down here,

I drove this motherfucker 445 miles on one tank of gas.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I left that motherfucker doin' Richard Pryor.

Niggas was talkin' about a good show.

I'm like, "Thank you, motherfucker. Thank you."

Oh, man.

I'm from Washington DC, man. No, Southeast Washington.

Southeast Washington.

If y'all motherfuckers don't know what that is,

that shit is like three Harlems and a half a Bronx.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Bad motherfucking neighborhood, man.

My neighborhood is so fuckin' bad,

mailmen leaves shit on the corner, let you sort it out.

And I love black women.

Look at y'all. God damn, look at y'all.

Oh, God damn. Look at her.

Girl, you ought to give yourself five.

God damn, you look good.

Ooh. I like all type of women, too.

Big, fat, short or tall.

But I love big girls, see?

'Cause there's a difference to makin' love to a big girl than a small girl.

I'm tellin' you, now.

See small girls, you can do tricks on their little ass.

Can you do tricks on that little ass?

You know what I'm saying? Smack 'em on the ass, make 'em hit their head on the wall.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Why you so raw?"

You know, the little girls got that don't-hurt-me spot.

Fellas, you ever found that "don't hurt me" spot?

Little women will tell ya, "Don't hurt me."

Know damn well, our mission will change to seek and destroy.

You will find that "don't hurt me spot", am I right?

You'll be pokin' around that motherfucker.

Just pokin' around minding your own business.

Hit it, hit, hit from the side.

You start goin' up inside.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

But see, my girlfriend, any time I hit that spot,

she will bark like a beagle, right?

I swear to God, when I first hit it, when I first hit it,

the first time I hit it, I tapped it, she said... [BARKING]

And the shit scared me, so I backed up and I kind of looked at it.

Looked at the dog and the dog is like,

[IN SCOOBY-DOO VOICE] "I don't know."

He was runnin' 'round, peein' on shit.

Peeing on the motherfucker.

Just peein'!

He was thinkin' another fucking dog was in the house and shit,

just lookin' at the motherfucker.

Every time I would hit that little spot,

I'd get a little rogue one there,

she'd go... [BARKING]

Get it real good, she go... [BARKS LOUDER]

Motherfuckers knockin' next door.

[KNOCKS]

You ain't supposed to have no dogs.

[LAUGHTER]

But I'm full black. I don't give a fuck.

I got a black car in a black driveway,

in a black house, in a black motherfucking neighborhood.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

I love black.

I even vote for Jesse again if the nigga run,

even though we don't know what the fuck he talkin' about half the God damn time.

You know Jesse'll make up a word in the middle. Y'all know that.

Y'all niggas will vote for him, too.

But see, y'all just think Jesse just started that shit.

Jesse was makin' up words

when him and Martin Luther King was together.

Long fucking time ago.

I'm serious, he was a young nigga then. A bush nigga.

A nigga with a bush, joggin' in the room.

"Martin?

"Martin?

"When we march on Selma, Alabama, what we want to do is we want to..."

"Jogetize."

[IMITATING MARTIN LUTHER KING] "Now come on, Jesse. You know that's not a word.

"I don't understand why all my young brothers

"decide to come in here and just make things up.

"But, Jesse, I just wanna tell you that I'm still there with you.

"I'm there with you from the problems in Vincent Hurst

"to the hilltops of Georgia.

"I'm still there with you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"And if, Jesse, anybody asks you about me,

"do not tell them that I won the Nobel Peace Prize.

"That's not what I want them to know!

"But tell them that Martin Luther King Junior,

"never, ever, ever

"wore Jheri curls. That's what I want my people to know."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND HOOTING]

Give it to a nigga.

Give it to a nigga. I'm gonna earn mine.

Peace, my name is Ted Carpenter.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, give him a round of applause, man.

Teddy Carpenter.

Yo, you guys have truly been a great audience

for me and my man, Russell Simmons.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank y'all for comin' out. Good night and God bless you.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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