Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen do me a big, big, big favor.

Put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah. Whassup?

Oh, y'all look good. Y'all ready to have a good time tonight?

Hey nigga, chill your ass out.

Ooh! You got ears like me!

You're my cousin.

Hi. Sit your ass down now.

Hey, how you doin'? Hey, white...

♪ But you got jungle fever, you got jungle fever, you... ♪

How ya doin'?

How did I miss ya?

How the hell did I miss her?

Ha, she's... Don't get nervous now.

Be proud of your shit. She gettin' red, too.

You're like, "Oh, fuck..."

"I told you I didn't wanna come."

"I didn't know anything about the Def Jam."

[AUDIENCE LAUGH]

"God!"

[LAUGHS]

We just fuckin... We're family.

We're all family and welcome.

[LAUGHING]

No, don't be embarrassed.

I know when you walked in, you was bad, too.

You was like, "Uh-huh."

"Reservations for two." [LAUGHS]

Oh shit. [LAUGHS]

Nah, I'm just saying. Don't be nervous now, that's cool.

We all... We family. Look at...

Damn she... Why you got your eyes all...

You just.

You all right?

I'm good.You look good, too.

[SIGHS]

Sorry, pussy just throws me. You know, I...

Look at this motherfucker. Hey!

How ya doin'?

Nah, you coolin', you know, coolin' hangin' in there. Yeah.

Hey! Whatever, you know.

[LAUGHS]

What happened? You can talk to me. I'm your motherfucker.

You can talk to me. No, it looks good though, man.

I'd like y'all to give my man...

I notice him from the back.

He's here. Malcolm Jamal Warner.

A round of applause for comin' out.

Whassup, man? You got a little dog with you?

[LAUGHS]

Malcolm bought a little dog to the show.

[YAPPING]

What are you gonna laugh... [YAPPING]

Whassup?

All right, take the spotlight off him, spotlight man.

You're embarrassing him.

Good. Look at the brothers over here. Whassup, man?

You got gold shit in your mouth.

How much that cost?

A lot of motherfucking money.

Knock your goddamn teeth out for some gold teeth? Huh?

What's that you got? You got like a baby Jheri curl.

That's real nice.

That's his real hair?

That's your real hair?Yeah.

I'm fucking amazed.

Women like motherfuckers with good hair.

I don't know what that shit is, man.

My sister is married to a motherfucking convict,

but married him because he had good hair.

I told her, "What the fuck are you doing?"

She's like, "Uh-huh, you don't understand."

"That motherfucker love me."

I said, "What the fuck do you mean..."

"Okay, I'm gonna tell you the truth."

"That motherfucker got some good ass hair."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Any time we see black people though, right, with good hair,

we always make some goddamn excuse, don't we?

You know, we say, "Damn baby, that's your hair?"

She say, "Yeah, that's all me."

Said, "Damn, that's real pretty.

"Just good... Nice hair."

"Uh, well, you know we got Indian in our family."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Uh-huh."

"On our mother's... On her side, uh-huh."

Get the fuck outta here! [LAUGHS]

[EXCLAIMS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You're cute. Very pretty woman.

I hate a pretty motherfucking woman.

'Cause they're hard to leave, man.

You know what I'm sayin'? You can't walk out on the motherfuckers, right?

You know? What!

"I wasn't fuckin', and if you can't understand me, fuck it!"

Hey, shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Why you doin' this to me?"

[LAUGHS]

That shit is hard.

So look y'all. I'm gonna bring out my man.

First comin' to the stage. Give it up for Vince D!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Whassup, New York?

All the fellas give it up for the ladies in the house. They lookin' good.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I love me a good lookin' woman,

but you know what? It seems like nowadays y'all, women,

y'all just startin' to want too goddamn much.

Fellas say those last three words.

Too goddamn much.MEN: Too goddamn much.

I can't hear you, fellas.

AUDIENCE: Too goddamn much.

How many women here tonight want a man with sensitivity? Clap your hands.

[WOMEN CLAPPING]

Just think about it

all you women just clapped your hands. Just think about it.

One late night. You and your man layin' in bed.

Somebody break in the fuckin' house.

Your man's sensitive.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all both get your ass whooped.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Say it fellas!AUDIENCE: Too goddamn much.

Can't do the regular shit anymore.

You lay on your back and we lay on top of you

for two or three minutes and get the shit over with.

Now they want it all like this now.

They want hang from shit now.

They wanna wrap around shit now.

You know what shit I hate the worst, though?

That standin' up shit.

They want you to hold they big ass up now and make love to her.

Can't hold their own ass up no more.

Which is cool, right? For about two or three minutes.

You know you workin' and workin',

you know, like liftin' weights and working so your muscles so long they get frigid?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No fuck that. Get yo ass on down here.

Say it fellas.BOTH: Too goddamn much.

And the worst shit of all.

1990s.

You got to

eat coochie now.

You eat that stuff, man?

MAN: Yeah.

You eat that stuff, man?MAN: Yeah.

You eat... You eat...

Yeah, I know you do 'cause you got some shit dried up right there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Wipe that shit off! Get a napkin. Wipe that shit off.

That shit can kill you, man. Stop doin' that shit.

It almost killed me.

Now, I tried that shit for the first time last week. I'm serious.

I ain't lyin'.

I went down, right? It was cool. Kinda salty.

Had this twang taste to it.

I went down. You know how you do it.

And I came and stuff was like everywhere.

I didn't want to just get up in the middle of sex

and just you know wipe it off.

She knew then I didn't know what I was doin'.

So you know how I got it off, fellas?

I went on her legs, hey!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But it almost killed me though, man. I'm serious. It almost killed me.

We got... I got back. We start makin' love and it was so good.

I start callin' out my own name.

Said, this is Vince D. This is Vince D. I'm talkin' to her, right?

I got a piece of hair stuck in my throat.

I was like, "Baby..." [GAGGING NOISES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[GAGGING]

[MOUTHING]

[GAGGING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm up here dyin', right?

She thought that shit was so good.

She got up and went to the phone and called her girlfriend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Shanika.

"Girl, lemme tell ya, I got some good stuff."

And you said, "Nah, girl, your stuff was good."

"Girl, I let him eat some, he over there dyin' right now."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You guys been great. Vince D.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You guys havin' a good time so far? Did you enjoy him? Vince D.

Give him another round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Sweetie, is it the light in your face?

'Cause you just like...

And I'm thinkin' that ain't all your hair, now?

Get into the show. Is it?

It's your hair?Yes.

Let me see. Fuck that. Come here.

Fuck that shit.

No man, No man, I'm checkin' now, man. Fuck that.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

Brother like, "Pull the tail."

"She got a buckle in the back of that motherfucker."

"Man, go to the back!"

All right, coming to the stage is my man, yo.

He's most definitely from the old school.

He's from L.A. by way of St. Louis. Give it up for my man.

Funny motherfucker.

Rodney Winfield.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Fuck it. We got to do it real fast.

I ain't got but seven minutes.

Fuck that. It take me seven minutes to get my dick out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I know it. I just wanted to wake you up.

But niggas is back makin' movies again like a motherfucker now.

We makin' movies every motherfucking week.

We make a movie now.

White people thought we was gonna make

Gone With the Windour first motherfucking movie.

Ain't that a bitch? If we kept doin' it, we'd get it right.

And now 'cause white people make movies, to make themselves heroes.

Like Tarzan.

One white motherfucker went to the jungle and took it over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Huh. Swing through the motherfucking trees and holler and shit.

Wrestle with alligators.

A nigga been livin' in the jungle all his life

and couldn't say hello to a motherfucking monkey.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ain't that a bitch?

And I don't know where they got niggas to play in the movie, too.

They be goin' through the jungle with two bedroom apartments

on their motherfucking head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then they made a scary motherfucking movie, The Exorcist,

about a little white bitch that get attacked by the devil.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It was supposed to be scary. They had to have a nurse in the show with white folk.

They be passin' out, "Ooh, the devil!"

Niggas was in there eatin' popcorn, "Get the devil, bitch!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Go ahead. Get the bitch."

And this little white girl got possessed by the devil and she passed...

And she go, "Ugh!"

And spit on her momma and shit like that.

That's why my sister couldn't have never got possessed by the devil

'cause soon as she spit on my momma,

that would have been it for her

and the motherfuckin' devil both.

Go home and spit on a black momma and see what happen to your ass.

The devil be out on Broadway or some motherfuckin' place.

[LAUGHS]

You see, niggas never get possessed by the devil

'cause we got too many problems already.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

'Cause I was... As soon as my momma would've walked in the house,

my momma would've said, "Girl, what the fuck's wrong with you?

"Got all that green shit around your mouth."

"You been down there fuckin' with them Mexicans again, ain't you?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES]

"You got guacamole all over the motherfuckin' house."

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry Mexicans. I love y'all.

You don't have to have no green card. I wouldn't give a fuck.

I hope they bring a hundred thousand more of you motherfuckers over here

'cause somebody gotta wash these cars

and pick this fruit.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And I ain't gonna do a motherfucking thing never in life

'cause there's one thing I found out about working.

It take a whole motherfucking day.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Think I'm busy? I got a job.

I'm lookin' for one. [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then they made Super Fly.

I don't give a fuck what the black preacher said.

Kiss my ass. I love Super Fly.

It was about a cool motherfucker.

Snorted cocaine all day, kicked the police ass,

had a custom Cadillac and didn't go to the Army.

I love the motherfucker.

If I was the president I'd make it a law

where every motherfucker had to watch it once a week.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But the only thing about that movie is it sent a lot of niggas

to the penitentiary tryin' to do that shit for real.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I didn't even know about cocaine till I saw the movie,

but I'm glad I saw it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now I'm snortin' everything I can get my nose on.

Salt [SNORTS]. Flour [SNORTS]. Baking powder [SNORTS].

Guy gave me some pineapple coke last night. Massengill douching powder.

My nose ran all night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I had to put a mini-pad on the motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

That girl goin', "Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm."

You'd be mad if you didn't need one this month, would ya?

And this nigga with you be mad, too.

[LAUGHTER]

Especially if you haven't fucked yet.

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING]

But you know what?

Nobody called up ABC, NBC and CBS and tell 'em

to take Kotex commercials off televisions.

They on television all day long. I can't even eat my dinner.

I be eat the little greens and hamhocks

and I put a little vinegar on 'em

and the commercial come back on,

"We done put the vinegar back in the douche."

Now, what nigga can eat lunch after that?

Then they got another commercial

with a lady be runnin' in slow motion.

She said, "Get a mini-pad."

"You can swim in it. Comes in three different sizes."

"It got a plastic strip on it."

Then they got a lady with a great big ass turning.

"Makes me look like I ain't wearin' nothing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Ain't that a bitch?

I got a big TV, too. Her ass just fall out on the living room floor.

I go up and feel the motherfucker.

But one thing I wanna say,

you look beautiful tonight.

God damn it, you look good,

and we glad of that because it's hard to do a show

in front of a bunch of ugly motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Normally ugly people just pay extra money

sand rush their ugly ass right down front, but you look nice.

I swear you do.

But I also must admit there are a few ugly people

sprinkled here and there around the room.

And you ugly motherfuckers know who you are.

And the guy sitting next to you knows you ugly, too.

Look at everybody lookin'. No, you the ugly motherfucker.

But don't mess with no ugly guy.

He'll kick your ass 'cause he's mad 'cause he's ugly.

They wanna put a scar on your ass

so you be uglier than they are.

You never saw a nice lookin' person start a fight.

Always the ugly motherfucker.

I think it ought to be a law against two ugly people fuckin'.

You'll bring another ugly motherfucker in the world.

And then they ain't got nothin' to do and then you got crime.

You don't believe me? Carry your ass down to jail.

Nothin' down there but ugly motherfuckers.

I was the nicest lookin' guy there.

I'm out of here, ladies and gentleman.

Thank you very much. Right on, baby.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah, some of y'all, he right though, are ugly and don't know it.

But y'all beautiful inside.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, ugly motherfuckers sittin' like,

"He so crazy."

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Y'all havin' a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Good.

Well, comin' to the stage is my man.

Very funny motherfucker. Y'all already know that.

He's from Chicago, Illinois. Give it up for Bernie Mac.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you, God damn it!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I know that first thing you say,

that's a black motherfucker that came out here.

I know I'm a black motherfucker. I know I'm black.

I started to really shock y'all this evening, you know?

I started with all black, and some blue contact lenses.

I'd have fucked y'all up.

You know you a black motherfucker

when you put fingerprints on charcoal.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let me tell you something, now.

Let me tell you something, now.

I'm married. I been married for 14 years,

been with my wife for 17 years.

And you know something, men? Thank very much.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

But you know something, men?

When you first get married, your wife is happier than a sister with a bag of dicks.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Singin' and everything.

Man, when I first got married, my wife was givin' me pussy by the pound.

Now I got to steal pussy.

If you don't know how to steal pussy, I'm fixin' to teach you.

You gotta wait till she go to sleep.

You're watching television, you're watchin' her.

You're watching television, you're watchin' her.

You're watchin' television, and you're motherfucking watchin' her.

And they sleep. Stealin' pussy is like war.

You gotta sneak up on it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And when they make they move, they roll over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then you take these two fingers

and you pull the cover off.

Now they lyin' on they back.

Men, they ain't asleep.

You gonna run into a problem, the panty.

When you start to remove the panty, it gets stuck right here

'cause she's on her back.

But she'll help you. She'll do something like, [SIGHS].

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Now you gotta slide 'em down, you see?

You start slidin' 'em down and now you gonna run into another problem

when you get 'em at the ankle.

When you just slide 'em off. Now you gotta...

The legs are closed.

She'll help you once again. [SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Now fellas, when you start to penetrate

and you get half of it in,

they gonna play they don't feel nothin'.

But when you get it in, stir it like coffee.

Stir it like motherfucking coffee.

You know like that spoon be in that cup,

clink, clink. Go clinka, clinka, clinka, clink.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Stir that motherfucker like coffee.

Now, when you get it in and you start stirrin' like coffee,

that's when she open her eyes and ask you a fucked-up question.

"Whatcha doin'?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

"You know what the fuck I'm doin'."

You ever notice something, man?

How singers, how they take original songs and make a remake?

And the remake sounds better than the original song?

I wrote this song my motherfucking self

called Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

The black version.

[BEATBOXING]

[AUDIENCE VOCALIZING]

♪ Take...

♪ I said take, take...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][BEATBOXING]

♪ I said take, take, take

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Me out

♪ To the ball

♪ Game

♪ Take

[BEATBOXING]

♪ I said take, take

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Me out

[BEATBOXING]

♪ With the crowd

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Now buy me some peanuts

♪ Buy me some peanuts

♪ Buy me

♪ Buy me, buy me, buy me, buy me, buy me

♪ Take...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm Bernie Mac!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yo. Comin' to you.

We gonna keep the laughs rolling,

so coming to you from Cleveland, Ohio.

He's a powerfully, funny black man.

Give it up for my man, Steve Harvey.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, y'all! What's happening?

All right. How y'all? How's everybody...

How y'all doin'? I mean, how you really doin'?

[LAUGHS]

This has gotta be an ass-puckerin' experience for you tonight, ain't it?

Yeah, they everywhere, ain't they?

Yeah.

You know how you feel right now?

That's how we feel all the time.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS]

It's a lot of pressure being black ain't it?

It's hard. Man, it's a hard job.

You can't get no relief nowhere.

I don't care where you go.

You can go home. You can cut your TV on. It's pressure.

I went home. I tried to get a little relief.

Gonna watch sports, sports channel. Cut it on.

The man said, "We bring to you America's favorite sport, the America's Cup."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, who the hell did they check with on this?

They say yachting is America's number one sport.

You don't ever see none of us yachting, do you?

Huh-huh. After that first big boat ride,

huh-uh, we kind of lost our taste for sailing.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That's a little slavery humor right there.

See, what we sayin' is before we get on anybody else's boat,

we want to know where it's goin',

and more important than that, what time it's due back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, hey man. I kid about racism,

but racism is a serious problem in this country, man.

It's the number one thing we got happenin'.

And you know who keep racism alive in this country?

The media. It's the media, man.

The media got it goin' on.

And you know they do it to us,

'cause they don't put nothin' but negative stuff about us in the news.

Mike Tyson stay in the news.

That poor brother can't get out the news.

I'm a Mike Tyson fan. I love Mike Tyson, man.

I love Mike. Mike, hang in there brother, wherever you at.

'Cause Mike Tyson bad.

See, but all his trouble started with the media right here in New York.

It started right here two years ago.

He been in trouble ever since that day.

You remember the incident.

He got in a fight in New York with Mitch Blood Green.

Right here, got in a fight in a store late night over a leather coat.

He hit Mitch Green in the eye. Mitch was on the news for two weeks.

Telling the same lie.

"All I did was, I walked in the store,

"and then Mike Tyson hit me in the eye."

And then he pulled his glasses off.

Did you see his eye? His eye was just hanging out his head.

And a funny thing happened at that moment.

His eye took over the interview.

His eye was on TV going, "Oh, I'll tell you what happened.

"First of all, Mitch is lyin'.

"Mike Tyson walked in the store minding his own damn business.

"We walk in behind him. Me and Mr. Big Mouth right here.

"Now, we in the store mad at the champ 'cause he got money and we ain't."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"No, we ain't got no money.

"We had some money, we'd have bought a pair of safety glasses.

"Next thing I know, Mr. Big Mouth calls Mike Tyson a sissy.

"Aw, hell no!

"I yell upstairs to that stupid ass brain,

"'Tell Mitch to shut up.'

"Too late. Mike heard him.

"I look down and it's on the way.

"The heavyweight champ's fist is comin' towards my face.

"I just said, 'Lord, lord, lord.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Now, it's approaching my face, but I feel pretty good

"'cause it looks like he gonna hit us in our big ass mouth.

"Well, hell! That's right where he ought to hit us,

"but I look up and it's comin' right at me, and I say..."

[SCREAMS]

"Next thing I know, pow! God damn! Right in the eye.

"And that's what the hell happened."

That's it for me, y'all. I had a good time.

Remember Redd Foxx.

Thanks a lot.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[BEAT PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey, hey, hey.

Yo. You guys have truly been a great audience.

I want to bring my man out who made it possible. Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

God bless y'all. Thanks for coming out. See you next week.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0