Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Put your hands together for my main man, Martin Lawrence!

Kid...

Kid Capri, give it up for my man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yeah! Wassup?

I'd like to thank my partners, Kid 'n Play.

What's up, man? Thank you for coming out!

Look at them. They all smooth, "Now, hey."

Fart, boy. Let that shit out.

What the fuck you got on your head?

Oh wait, what's up, bro? You been locked up before?

You scarin' white people here. You know that, don't you?

White people are looking at you going,

"Look at the one up front with the goddamn thing on his head.

"We're not supposed to be there!

"It's a party for black people!"

But yo, this is the Def Comedy Jam

and we're having a lot of fun here y'all.

We got a lot of talent for you. Guys that you, uh...

You may have seen on some other shows.

Guys you ain't seen no goddamn where.

But they here tonight to have a lot of fucking fun

and y'all are making it possible.

So, we gonna move on with the show.

Our first performer comes to you from Long Beach, California.

Give it up for Ricky Harris.

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP PLAYING]

Wassup?

Wassup? How y'all doing?

Good, good.

Last time I was out here I did the Apollo.

That was some scary shit. Y'all are much better than them motherfuckers

because them motherfuckers will boo your ass.

Them motherfuckers booed me when they introduced me.

Like, "Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.

"All the way from Long Beach, Mr. Ricky..."

"Boo! Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Boo your ass! Boo!

"Well, say something, motherfucker!

"Boo!"

I was mad as a motherfucker. You know that lady that's sitting in the front row?

I walked by her ass and I was like... [KICKING SOUND EFFECT]

Boo me, motherfucker.

And I wasn't mad that they booed me, right?

I was just mad... I don't know how many millions of people saw that shit.

Because my grandmother live in Louisiana, she called me up.

She's like, "Hi baby. How you doin'? Well, you got booed.

"Don't worry about it. Hold your damn head up. Them people booed you.

"Hold on, your grandfather want to holler at you."

My grandfather's in the background going,

"I don't want to say nothing to that motherfucker. Tell him I said, 'Kiss my ass!'

"Made the whole Harris family look fucked-up, getting booed.

"Tell him I said, 'Kiss my black ass.'"

"Your grandfather said hi.

"He holla at you some other time."

And I was mad, man. I stayed out here though, and I worked on a film

which y'all probably didn't see me in the motherfucker if you didn't have a VCR

and a pause button in that motherfucker.

My shit was like this. [WHISTLING]

I ain't bullshitting. And I want to do films, man.

I want to do... Because I want to do them scary movie films, man.

And love-makin' scenes... You know, them black...

Because you never see no black men... Except Wesley Snipes.

Man, that motherfucker... Wesley be fucking in some movies, man!

He must have that shit in his contract!

"Am I... Am I fucking? Okay. I'm in the motherfucker.

"I ain't fucking, I ain't being in the motherfucker."

And his shit be looking real, man!

He be poppin'... I be sayin, "That shit look too real."

I said... I know if that was me, them motherfuckers would be like, "Cut it."

I'd be like, "Uh-uh. Keep the cameras rolling.

"Keep them motherfuckers rolling!"

I'd be looking all at the camera, "This can be you!

"Oh, this shit is real! Look, look I'm poppin', pow, pow!"

I'll tear up some ass.

I ain't bullshitting.

But I want to do scary movies, man.

Because you never see no black people in those scary movies, right?

You go to a movie and it's a scary movie, you see a black person...

A black person get killed when the credits and shit rolling.

You say, "Look at that brother... God damn!

"Motherfucker didn't make it past the introduction and shit!"

And I want to do a scary movie because, you know, that's what's happening.

Them scary movies with them sound effects?

Because that's what makes you scared in most scary movies.

My favorite is Jason. The ax murderer.

Yeah, that motherfucker bad because his sound effects, they like,

[IMITATES HORROR SOUND EFFECTS]

Because you know when you hear that, somebody about to get fucked up, right?

Always be, like, a white guy.

[HUMMING]

♪ Scooby doo...

"Oh, geez. You hear that? It's going, 'Chuh-chuh-chuh.'

"There it goes again, 'Chuh-chuh-chuh.'"

That's why you don't never see no brothas in them movies, man!

'Cause soon as a brotha hear that shit, he'd be ready to fight.

Brother'd be walking down the street like

[IMITATES HORROR NOISE] "Okay, where the fuck you at, home?

"No, fuck that shit. I hear the ch-ch shit."

That shit is crazy, man.

Like, why you don't ever see no shit like Driving Miss Daisy in the ghetto?

Why you don't see Jason in the ghetto? Know why?

Because them motherfuckers wouldn't last in the ghetto.

Jason would be running his ass out the ghetto like, "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch."

Trying to get his ass out the ghetto.

You liable to drive through a ghetto and see Jason sitting on the curb,

freebasin' and shit.

[INHALING AND IMITATING HORROR NOISE]

And Miss Daisy would be a ho.

"Miss Daisy sure know how to suck one, homeboy!

"I know she ain't got no teeth!"

Hey, look. I'm Ricky Harris. Peace.

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, yo, yo.

Are we having a good time? We want to thank y'all, so here we go.

We goin' to keep the show rolling.

Yo, this next brother coming on, this is my man.

He's a funny motherfucker. I'm telling you.

Straight up, 'cause y'all my motherfuckers. Shut up!

Yo, he's from South Carolina but he lives in Georgia now.

Give it up for my man, J. Anthony Brown.

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP PLAYING]

I like that! Shit, yeah!

I'm not a dancer. I can't dance. You can look at me and tell I...

I just learned this shit here.

Just got the motherfucker! Just... Hey! Hey!

People look at you like you're crazy! "They don't do that shit, man."

He can kiss my ass, motherfucker.

I just learned this shit. That's for goddamn sure!

A lot of these hip hop motherfuckers out here, man.

I do a little jheri curl check in the room.

That's what I'm looking for.

All right! Don't get scared, now.

Ain't no... I ain't going to point you out and shit.

That's good. That's good. Ain't no curls in the room.

Oh, you're on curl street, brother!

You right on the goddamn street.

And your shit's moist. I like that.

You gotta keep your shit moist if you got a curl.

Nuthin' in the world worse than a dry-ass jheri curl. Because you...

Your shit's moist! You took time to moisten your shit.

You was in the mirror at home before you got here

moistening your shit.

That take a long time to moisten your shit.

You be in the mirror going...

[MAKING SPRAYING NOISES]

[SPRAYING NOISES CONTINUE]

And then look in the mirror and go, "I think I need another bottle."

Yeah, this is great. This is great. I love this shit, man.

I'm gettin' older, man. I'm getting... It's cool. It's cool. Ain't no...

His shit's dry. God damn!

God damn!

Hey, hey! Your shit's dry!

I... I ain't got no hair. All right! All right! Lighten up, lighten up.

But look, I like this. This is a younger crowd. See, I'm getting older.

I'm getting older. Now, you know... You know when you're getting older.

When you get older you speak different, right?

Like y'all... Y'all younger than me.

Y'all speak different. It's a different type of language.

Y'all, you're hip. It's a hip language. It's universal.

You've seen it. "Hey Leroy! What's up?"

And the head move. You ever seen that?

"Hey, man! What's up? Hey! How you doin'?"

Y'all seen that? It's universal.

I don't give a fuck where you go, they do it.

Oh, man! What's up?

Then... Then when you get a little older, like my age, you know, my man over here.

Like my daddy. My daddy don't do that shit.

Old men speak differently. Old men speak like this.

Watch out, there now!

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

Look out there, young fella! Watch where... Hey!

Love this shit. Nothing in the world better than makin' people laugh.

I love it. Best job in the world. You get to see shit.

You get to talk about shit.

They used to have a commercial in Atlanta,

when I used to live in Atlanta, I don't even know if they played it here.

It was the Kool-Aid commercial? Remember that commercial?

The lady was on there. She would come on the radio.

She'd go, "Who drank all the Kool- aid?"

Remember that? And a little girl would go, "Daddy!

"Daddy drunk all the Kool-Aid."

Oh, people go into Kool-Aid shock!

[SHOUTING] "Oh, god damn! What lazy bastard drunk all the Kool-Aid?"

They ain't even gonna swallow that motherfucker!

Hold it, now!

I don't beat my kids anymore. That's what I like about black people.

We beat our kids. We whoop they ass!

We beat the fuck out of them!

My daddy used to whoop my... "Come here! Come, come here!

"Stand right here! Hold your lips up here! Now get outside and play!"

Whoop yo ass!

And then you got these people, you know who you are.

I've seen you in the stores. Some sad shit. You don't beat the kids.

You just grab the motherfuckers and shake the fuck out of them.

You know what I'm saying?

Just..." Motherfucker! Whoop yo ass! Goddamn, stole that...

"Shake the motherfucker! Son of a bitch!"

I love you! Peace out, New York! Thank you. Good night!

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP PLAYING]

Yo! We gonna keep... Keep the show going.

Yo, this next performer is a woman.

I'm tellin' y'all, this is of the baddest women out there.

Yo, she's from Chicago, Illinois.

Give it up for Adele Givens!

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP PLAYING]

Wassup?

Do I look like a fucking lady or what?

Lady's in the house tonight.

I like being a fucking lady.

Especially in the '90s, we can get to say what the fuck we want to.

Don't we, girls?

That's right! And still be a lady!

That's right, because you know in the old days

they couldn't say the shit they wanted to say.

They had to fake orgasms and shit.

We can tell niggers today, "Hey. I want to cum, motherfucker!"

Shit. We got Oprah.

I watch Oprah, goddamn it, because I ain't got no man.

But that's all right, because between Oprah and my gynecologist,

I'm satisfied!

That's right! I learnt to appreciate that fuckin' pap smear!

Come out once a year, bullshit! I'll see you tomorrow, motherfucker!

Shit.

Ten inches! Of iron! Hard, safe shit!

When he finish, I smoke a fuckin' cigarette.

Askin', "Was it good for you, too?"

And some women like foreplay, you know?

If you creative enough you can get foreplay with that fuckin' pap smear.

Oh yeah! All you gotta do is say some shit like,

"Doc, could I get a breast exam before the pap smear?

"Maybe a knot in this motherfucker. Why don't you check it out?"

I know! I know! I know what you're saying!

She's so fucking feminine and ladylike!

She's such a fucking lady! Yes I am!

No, I like being a lady! I like to shop.

Because ladies like to shop, don't we, girls?

[WOMEN CHEER]

But don't you hate them bitches that work in the store

following you around, asking you stupid shit?

Trying to keep you from stealin' and shit?

I hate them hos. Bitches on commission, what I call 'em.

You try on some fucked-up shit, "Oh, girl! That look good."

Well, you wear it, bitch. Okay? I try to avoid them.

You know, I'll go to a rack and take eight or nine items off the rack

and go in the fitting room, but they'll knock on the fucking door, won't they?

[KNOCKING SOUND]

"How do those fit?"

Like, "Gee. They fit perfect, but my purse won't zip up now, bitch.

"Do you have a bigger bag I could use?"

Don't fuck with me when I'm being feminine and ladylike.

I love being a lady now.

You know, because you can say shit that you couldn't...

For example, I could tell y'all right now

that sometimes I'm in the shower and I gotta pee,

I don't get out that motherfucker.

What for?

Shit.

Hey, I'm thinking the water going down any motherfucking way.

Shit. Why wet up my toilet? Don't you know!

I know what you're thinking, "She's such a fucking lady!"

That's right! I was raised that way.

I like...because men...

I like men. I like y'all. I ain't got none right now, But I like y'all, y'all cool,

but y'all do some stupid shit.

Especially when you got a little old dick.

You do, you do some stupid shit, them little-dicked men do.

You ladies, you ever walkin' down a street, two guys in a car ride up?

How come it's always that motherfucker on the passenger side that say,

"Hey baby, want a ride?"

What the fuck I'm going to do? Take your place, motherfucker?

Ain't that what you doing? Getting a fucking ride?

Stupid shit, man! Stupid.

And I know by now y'all have noticed, I've got some big-ass lips.

Yeah. I know they some big motherfuckers.

Hey, I know they some big motherfuckers. Yeah.

All my lips are big, as a matter of fact.

That's right. See! See, here's the kind of motherfucker

hollering about blow jobs and he wearin' about a size four.

Little old feet, so you know his dick's small.

I couldn't give him no blow job. My big-ass lips, his little old dick!

It wouldn't work!

That'd be like trying to give a whale a tic tac, motherfucker.

That shit wouldn't work! It wouldn't work! It wouldn't work!

In my life...

I can't fuck with that, man!

Hey! My name's Adele Givens. Enjoy the rest of the show!

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP MUSIC]

Woo! Them are some... Ain't she bad?

Them are some nice motherfucking lips. I don't give a fuck.

Coming to the stage is, yo, he's a real good brother.

Funny as hell. I think he is most definitely on the rise.

He's from your hometown, Brooklyn, New York.

Give it up for my man, Reggie McFadden.

Wassup? How you guys doing? I'm happy to be here!

Give it up for Martin Lawrence! Workin' hard for you people!

That's my boy right there!

Yeah. So, I'm from Brooklyn. I just came from my cousin's house, man,

and he lives in the projects, man.

We all... We all got... We all got cousins who live in the projects, man.

We hate going there, don't we? You know, I ain't...

Brother... Brother lives on the 20th floor,

and why is it when you go to the projects the intercom never works?

It's always broken! You know,

like you ring the bell, he comes to the window,

[SCREAMING] "Who is it?

"Yo! Yo!

"Who rang the bell?

"Yo! Come inside, Reg! The door's broken!"

You know, door's always broken, and you go inside

and there are, like, roaches crawling all over the place?

You know, you ever see a roach on the wall and the roach sees you,

so he doesn't move? He just stands there like this, like...

"He can't see me.

"I'm gonna stand real still.

"I am ninja roach."

You know, and the whole family was over there. It was like a big dinner.

You know, and we were sitting down eating,

and there was like roaches crawling on the ceiling, and on the walls,

and up on everybody. And nobody said nothing!

You know, we just kept talking like we didn't see the roaches.

You know, like...

We're like, "Mmm-hmm. Yeah, all right, man."

"So... Yeah!"

You know, only person complaining was that cousin from out of town.

Like, "What the fuck?

"What's going on in here?

"Why isn't anybody saying anything?

"Why is everybody so quiet?"

"Y'all see what's happening! What is going..." [SCREAMING]

And when you live in the projects, man, you have to know how to fight.

You know, everybody fights in the projects.

Even the women. The women know how to fight.

They the best fighters in the projects.

You know, I like to watch them fight. They get into it.

"Hold that bitch. Hold her. Hold her! Don't let her go!

"Hold that bitch! Hold her! Give me the vaseline!"

"I'm gonna kick her ass! I'm gonna kick her ass!

"She did not call me a bitch! She did not say that, did she?

[SCREAMING] "Hold her! Hold her!

"Hold my earrings!

"You don't lose that! Let the bitch go! Come here! Come here!

"Come here, who you callin' a bitch?"

You know, and then the titty pops out, like...

You know, and I'll be there instigating the fight.

"She called you a bitch, too!"

"Where'd she go?"

[LAUGHING]

And women! Women will always fight other girls,

but a girl will never help her boyfriend fight.

You ever see a guy getting beat up?

His girlfriend is always at the side going, "Stop it!

"Stop it! Stop!"

[SCREAMING] "Stop!"

Leave him alone! Leave him alone!

Leave him alone! Stop! Leave him alone!

Stop! Somebody help him!"

Yo, and he's there going,

"Why didn't you help me? I'm getting my ass beat for you!"

Man, you have to be careful now, man.

You have to be real careful in the '90s, man.

So much stuff is going around.

You got to wear that condom, man. A lot of guys don't like wearing condoms.

Now, I had this brother named Fred, man,

he thinks he's too cool to wear a condom.

Now, he walks down the street. I'm like,

"Hey Fred, what happened with that girl the other night?"

"Aw, she didn't even look like she had anything."

That's why he didn't wear... He said, "She didn't look like..."

"How was she supposed to look like?"

[MOANING]

[COUGHING]

"I need a man! Somebody make love to me! Come on!"

[COUGHING] "Come on!

"Come on! You don't need that condom. Take that off."

[COUGHING] "Make love to me! Stick it in!

"What do you mean I'm dry?

[COUGHING] "I'm not dry!

"Come on! Come on! Come on!"

The guy's, "I better wear something with this girl."

You know?

It's crazy, man!

You know, that should be like a machine that'll put the condom on for you.

You know, have it right by the bed. You'll be like,

"One second. Wait, wait..." [WHOOSH]

"All right. Come on! Let's go. Who's the man?"

Because, God, you got to wear about five of them, man.

Because they pop.

Condoms pop. Yes, we all been through that.

You know, when the condom pops you don't know what to do.

You run around with your dick like...

"Where's the bathroom?

"You got any more soap?"

Listen, that's my time. My name's Reggie McFadden. Peace. I'm out of here!

Oh, shit! Boy!

Man, y'all... What can I say?

You guys have been a great audience.

I'd like to bring my man out who made this possible,

and me and him would like to thank HBO.

Give it up for my man, Russell Simmons.

[APPLAUSE][HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

KID CAPRI: So you just throw your hands in the air!

Everybody! Put them all up in the air now

and let me hear you say hey! You say hey!

Come on and scream!

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