Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SLOW CLAPPING]

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is the Kid Capri.

I'd like to welcome you and y'alls to the place to be.

Do me a big favor, put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Thank you!

My man, Kid Capri!

MARTIN: Wassup?

Yo.

We going to have a good time here tonight.

Welcome to the Def Comedy Jam

where we present young, black...

No, I mean, I don't just mean black

because, I know, white people are going to go,

"Fuck! Is it a black thing?"

Where we present... [CHUCKLES]

Where we present young comics from all over the world,

so y'all have a good time.

And when we say def,

for those who don't know what the fuck we're talking about

we don't mean deaf like,

"Okay." [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

No.

We mean as, you know, a cool thing happening.

You know, we get a lot of deaf people like,

[IMPERSONATING A DEAF PERSON] "Uh-uh! Nu-uh! You wrong!

"You don't do no shit like that, man. You are wrong!"

I don't...

So, I don't mean to offend... [CHUCKLES]

To offend deaf people.

I'm not sayin' that.

But wassup?

Y'all feel good?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

That's right! Let that shit out!

Women look good, too. God damn!

This... This row right here.

Just a... Just pussy. Just...

You know that... You just want to jump in that mug.

Just splash!

You know what I'm saying?

I wish I... I wish I couldn't do nuthin else.

I... I wish I couldn't tell jokes.

I wish I could just go all day fuckin'.

Just walk around, just, ugh.

[WOMEN SCREAM EXCITEDLY]

[CHUCKLES] Uh. Yeah.

But no, have a good time. Let it out. I know...

Black people, if y'all want to jump on the stage and... Uh!

Cause that's how we laugh anyway. "Uhhhhh!"

You know, like, white people are just

"Ha, ha, ha."

We're here to have a good time.

Damn, they ain't serving no drinks, huh?

They ain't serve y'all no drinks?

Yeah, I know y'all want to get comfortable. Loose, right?

Have some drinks. Mmm, you know.

You know?

But ladies, y'all don't drink no alcohol.

I'm gonna get y'all to start fuckin' with alcohol.

Because y'all don't know how to drink.

Y'all get hot...

Hot if a motherfucker gave you some wine.

Y'all just start [SQUEALING].

That's why brothers be like, "Drink up. Go on! Drink up!

"Drink that shit, girl."

I'm serious. Don't... Don't be going out

with brothers that's getting you drunk,

'cause I'm telling you, you wake up with a dick in your mouth like this...

[SMACKS LIPS] "Whose dick is this?

"Whose dick is this?

"Uh-uh!

"Uh-uh!

"No, I ain't havin' it, uh-uh.

"Don't be storin' no dicks in my mouth.

"Okay, 'cause it ain't like that."

[SMACKS LIPS]

[CHUCKLES]

So, we gonna move on with the show.

Our first performer comes to you from Strong Island.

Give it up for my man, Steve White.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much, Mr. Capri!

[LAUGHS]

Ladies and gentleman, Martin Lawrence, a force to be reckoned with!

Rattle the floor for Martin Lawrence!

And his suit!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And he had such a nice ass, didn't he?

I'm kidding! I'm not gay, my husband is.

Pah! My husband is!

Where does he get it from?

Anyway.

No, no, no, no. I'm getting old.

I'm gonna have to settle down.

I'm gonna seckle down and get a woman, you know?

I'm gettin' married.

I was thinking about maybe getting married and my...

My girl brought up this engagement ring thing.

Guys, watch out for this trap, man.

Women pull this stuff like that, these phrases,

"No ring? No thing."

Penis, penis, penis!

That's one thing I hate about being a man, man.

Guys, the right ladies, guys, always talk about the penis, regardless, man.

Even when it's not necessary.

Pull up to a club, "How you doin', sir?

"We have valet parking this evening."

"Yeah, I got your valet parking right here!

"Here's your valet parking, 10 inches!"

See, women have more class. They don't do that.

You never see a woman go, "Yo, get these titties, my man!

"As a matter of fact, suck this pussy!"

You never hear that, man.

Guys always brag about the penis

like they doing damage to women.

Wake up, guys. Babies come out of women.

Unless your dick is eight pounds three ounces...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You ain't doin' shit!

To a woman, you're like a ringer in a triangle.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Come and get it!

I want it to touch both sides next time, scooter!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And a man'll still get up and go, "Yo, man!

"I almost broke her motherfuckin' back!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

And women play with us because they know we're gullible,

so they say stuff like, "Oh, honey, look what you did!

"I'm walking funny. Ooh!

"I'm gonna have to call in sick, big daddy!"

Meanwhile the guy's head is like,

"Oh, yeah! I'm a motherfucker!

"I'm a..." [MUMBLES]

Well, I eventually, you know, I want to have kids, you know.

And you need a woman for that.

And I want to have a baby sooner or later.

Women get very picky when they're pregnant, too.

I met this one girl, she's walking down the street,

rubbing her belly, talkin' about,

"Ooh, I have to have a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair.

"I have to have a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair."

Gimme a break! If you get a healthy child, you should be happy, right?

Right!

It's not like your crotch is a crapshoot, you know?

You can't go walking around,

"All right! Give me a girl with blues eyes and blonde hair!

"Nope. That's a boy! Back it up. One more time.

"Here we go! Here we go! Hold on!

"Give me a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair!

"Nope. That's a Chinese kid who'll fuck up traffic.

"Back it up! One more time, here we go! Shootin' again. Shootin' again."

That's why you got to wear those condoms if you don't want those kids!

But I gotta get out of here, folks.

But... But... But... [STARTS RAPPING] But before I go, yo!

♪ Let me do this, because my name is Steve White,

♪ I'm on top of the list

♪ A lot of people say, "Yo, brother, what do you do?"

♪ 'Cause I can write, act, direct and do comedy too

♪ 'Cause I'm a smooth black brother and I don't eat pork

♪ Spend all of my time in LA and New York

♪ Strong Isle and then Brooklyn's the place for me

♪ And a special shout out for my man, Spike Lee

♪ I got dumb mad lyrics to make the crowd slam

♪ As I rip up the whole Def Comedy Jam

♪ I ripped it up and knocked you out the box

♪ And I dedicate the show to my man, Redd Foxx ♪

Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Steve White! My man!

I ain't gonna be picking up after yo ass though, motherfucker.

Yeah, y'all, Steve was talking about them condoms and shit, you know.

Use them, motherfuckers, fellas.

I know you don't want to use them, man. I know.

But use them, man. You gonna be out here just givin' women shit, use them!

Brothers that ain't circumcised, too.

Get your shit right.

You know who you are!

You're sitting there like this.

Some brothers got dicks so ugly, a crack addict would get her money back!

"Ahhh! Nu-uh. Uh-uh. I'll get high tomorrow. That's all right! Uh! Uh-uh."

[CHUCKLES]

"Uh! Uh-uh. You don't put that up to me. Uh, no!"

[CHUCKLES]

We gonna keep this show rollin'!

[CHUCKLES]

Coming to the stage is my man. He's from New Jersey.

Derrick Fox!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Stupid McNupid!

All right. Boom! Ding dong. Where's the bomb?

Before I get started, I'm gonna let y'all know why I know for a fact

I gotta be one of the funniest comedians workin' alive today.

Because can't nobody do what I do.

This is mine. This is my trademark.

If you see somebody doin' it let me know,

'cause they bitin' my shit. All right.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Y'all should clap for that because my head hurt when I do it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

For those of you who do not know me,

I grew up in a very religious household

with a very religious black mother

that associated God with everything.

Her favorite saying, "God don't like ugly."

All day, every day. "God don't like ugly. God don't like ugly."

So I grew up thinking, "Damn, Whoopi Goldberg going to hell!

"Mike Tyson, hell.

"J.J. going to hell with gasoline drawers on!"

[WHOOPS]

But just imagine if that's true, right?

If that's true, God really don't like ugly.

I guess that mean Biz Markie is the antichrist, right?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

I mean...

Now, come on. Y'all know Biz is ugly. You know what I'm saying?

That's not like a bulletin or nothing. You know what I'm saying?

Homie's so ugly, he could make an onion cry. That ain't right.

This is something that has to be talked about. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, man. I like to talk about stuff that I see around my way all the time,

like the drug dealers, the young drug dealers. Y'all see them.

These are the stupidest people on Earth. You know what I'm saying?

Not... They ain't stupid just because they selling that poison,

they stupid 'cause of the way they dress. Know what I'm saying?

They all do the same thing, go out and buy those tailor-made leather jackets.

And they put they name on the back, Raheem Clockin Doodle Dum Dollas.

Then they go on the corner and sell they drugs.

The cops roll up, "Excuse me, Raheem?"

"Now, one of y'all niggas ratted me out! Word is mum.

"No, no, he just said Raheem.

"You heard him, right? He said... How you know my name?

"Now, how you know my name?"

Stupid McNupid.

Before I go, ladies and gentlemen,

it wouldn't be fun if I didn't bring out Shante.

But in order for Shante to come out,

the crowd gotta be ready

and y'all gotta bring her out.

Ladies and gentlemen, go Shante! Go Shante!

AUDIENCE: [CHANTING] Go Shante! Go Shante! Go Shante! Go Shante!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Turn my music off, okay?

No, you did not say no to Shante in front of all these people, okay?

In front of my fans? Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Scandal.

I don't... I don't believe you actually think that you cute.

Look at your hair, like you designed it with a firecracker or something.

With them booger green M.C. Hammer pants on. Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Don't you know I'm the captain, sergeant,

and the head lieutenant of the fashion police?

I'll have you locked up dressin' like that.

And I don't know why you think you cute or something like that

because you ain't, okay?

Just between me and you, you ugly.

As a matter of fact, you so ugly that when you cry,

your tears go down the back of your head

because they scared to come down your face, okay?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

How dare you say no to Shante?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank you for having me.

My name is Shante and it's all about me.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You... We just some partyin' motherfuckers, ain't we?

I know white people are just like,

"Oh, God! Look at him!

The niggers are goin' crazy!"

Oh shit, boy. Hey, we parties.

I... They... I'm not gonna tell that lie.

That Derrick Fox and that Shante shit.

Right? Yeah. That... No, that's some...

That's some funny shit. I ain't gonna lie.

But when he turned around, I wanted to fuck him. I'm sorry!

I forgot he was a dude. I was like, "Hey! Who's that?

"Oh, dang! That's Derrick!"

Woo! That motherfucker better not go to jail, he know that!

[CHUCKLES]

You know what I'm saying? You like to be Shante, huh?

Scandalous!

[LAUGHS]

All right. Yo!

Y'all... Y'all a hell of a crowd.

We having a good time, so we gonna keep it rollin'!

Yo.

This next performer is a female, and she's bad.

She's from Los Angeles. Please give it up for Yvette Wilson.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, Lord!

It's some good lookin' men in New York.

Give it up for them, women. They look good!

Boyfriend right here...

Yeah, you got it goin' on.

He's just a cutie, grinning and everything.

Stand up and show the people again. Come on, stand up.

Look at him.

He's just as cute and grinning.

You know when they grin like that, they can't fuck.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Awe, I ain't... I ain't saying you can't fuck.

But I had a man like that, cute, grinned all the time,

he's what I call a calypso fucker.

Because he was always doin' it offbeat 'cause he was grinning.

And I be trying to catch on.

That's why now all I mess with is ugly men.

Right, girlfriend?

Oh, you're ignoring me now!

'Cause ugly men know.

They come in bringin' it.

They come in the house like this... [VOCALIZES BOOM]

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

"Oh, you know I'm gonna be givin' it to you, girl!"

And they go right to work. Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

You're like, "Damn! Go on with your ugly self."

But then they always get happy and want to talk to you while they do it.

"Pop! Come on, girl. Pop! Tell me you like it. Tell me!

"Pop! Come on, girl."

And I'm like, "Yeah, it's good!

"But I ain't got to look at your ugly ass."

I ain't tryin' to talk about nobody 'cause we all got problems.

If y'all ain't notice, I'm... I'm a little overweight.

Hey, that's all right though 'cause see, I learned how to trick 'em.

Got to have a little plan, girlfriend.

'Cause I wear loose, free-flowing clothes.

I mean, y'all know there's rolls under here,

but I ain't got to show you.

You got to use your imagination.

'Cause I get plenty brothers to the house and get naked

and they like, "Damn!

"What is all that?"

I'm like, "Too late now. Hey! It's on."

But man, I'm gonna tell you what got us like that.

It's 'cause men are dogs. Is that right, ladies?

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!

See, now, I know a lot more of y'all would be clapping,

but you brought your dog with you, didn't you?

I suggest you get that ass a longer leash.

I'm not saying all men are dogs,

but I can say that my man is a dog,

'cause he came in at four in the morning.

Four o'clock? I was like, "Hey!

"It's four in the morning. [SIMULATES KNOCKING]

"Where ya been?

"Hey! It's 4 o'clock."

You know what he said to me?

He's like, "Oh, baby. Well..." [VOCALIZES BOOM]

[VOCALIZES BOOM-BOOM]

[IN ROUGH VOICE] "Well, I don't know.

"Well, I love you.

"I love you very much."

[HOWLING]

I said, "Sit!

"Stay!

"You want to make that up to me?"

He said [PANTING]

I said, "All right. Be a good boy. [VOCALIZES KISSING]

"Come on, lick!"

Good night! I'm Yvette.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all alive.

This next performer is my man.

He's from St. Louis! You...

Oh, you from St. Louis? Okay, all right.

Please give it up for, yo, Joe Torry.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, wassup?

AUDIENCE: Wassup!

Look here, if you motherfuckers are ready to laugh,

let me hear you say, "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

All right.

Wassup, man?

Look at this motherfucker over here, like an old gay scientist.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Motherfucker, he the only one that went to Yale and shit.

I seen your motherfuckin' ass, man.

Gay ass scientist probably inventing dicks at home.

With your ass.

Got on that old ass civil rights suit.

Like you ran here from a fucking rally.

Got a laugh.

How you doing? God damn!

He wasn't bullshitting about these fine-ass women in the front.

Them big-ass legs, girl.

You'll never kick me in the ass.

That's for damn sure.

What the fuck are you laughing at?

The big, thick glasses you got on, shit.

Yeah, it look like she lookin' through an aquarium.

Take a little shit.

Look at this shit.

All right? We probably all look like fish to her ass.

[VOCALIZING BOOP BOOP]

Yeah, I'm workin' my way around this motherfucker.

Look at boomshika sittin' down here.

Wassup baby?

Got on her little outfit and boots and tights and shit.

You a super hero?

Damn! Super hero. Part-time super hero, huh?

Look, up in the sky!

It's a nappy weave!

[ALL LAUGHING]

No, it's ghetto girl!

Flying over pawn shops and shit.

Fucked up. Doing this HBO thing.

It's a motherfucker. I ain't bullshitting, y'all.

Make some money now doin' some shit.

I had a plane with a name this time. I ain't bullshitting.

For real.

Last year, I was working this shit, brother flew me out here,

the plane didn't have no fucking name on it.

Shit just said "plane" on the motherfucker.

I ain't lying.

Written P-L-A-I-N. Plain!

In crayon like a motherfucker.

I'm like, "Damn!"

And it's a five-hour flight, know what I'm saying?

I get on the plane, I'm like, you know,

I'm like asking the stewardess, "Wassup? What's for lunch?"

She's like, "We don't have lunch on this. We just have snacks."

It's like, "Snacks? It's a five-hour flight. We gonna starve!"

"Well, we just servin' snacks."

It's like, "Give me my fucking snack then, all right?"

She gonna hand me a little-ass bag of fucking peanuts and shit.

I'm like, "Damn!"

So, I'm eating those motherfuckers one at a time,

trying to savor them motherfuckers, right?

She come here, tell me, saying, "What you doing?"

I'm like, "I'm savoring these motherfuckers."

She's like, "Shit. You got to share them with the row!"

I'm like, "Damn!

"These motherfuckers then."

Man, then brother had me staying in an old fucked-up hotel.

Room was small as a...

Room was so damn small, I didn't need no remote control, right?

'Cause you could turn everything on and off with your feet and shit.

Right?

I'm layin' in the bed clicking channels and shit. You know?

Turn on the motherfuckin' shower. I'm like, "Damn!"

Then this shit had roaches in it.

Roaches in a hotel!

Bullshit! I came in late one night, shit. Right?

There's a roach sitting on my bed in a bathrobe smokin' a cigarette

talking about, "You got some messages."

"Who the fuck is you, man?"

Fuck that! So I'm making money now, so I can get my own shit.

I'm tellin' y'all.

Got to worry about no girl in the house

because women, you know, women...fuck.

Damn!

Because women out here, I got to give it to y'all, though.

Women, y'all the only living beings on the face of this Earth

that can be broke as a motherfucker and still kick it.

For real! 'Cause y'all can be sitting at home broke

'cause you know there's gonna be some more lollipop sucker

tootsie roll motherfucker

that's gonna set your ass up!

For real! Women be sitting home talkin' about some,

"I'm broke but I feel like doin' something today.

"Who can I call?

"Let me look through my rolo-fuck right here.

"Hello, sucker? I mean, Joe?"

Uncle joey ain't going for that bullshit. I'm tellin' y'all.

This 90th Street... I gotta wrap up tight, too.

Wrap up tight now, 'cause this shit is fucking up.

Women freaky as a motherfucker.

Just... Everybody just doin' all type of bullshit.

And, you know, for real.

And women, you gotta watch out.

'Cause you know, brothers brag about knockin', you know, bottoms out of women?

I ain't gonna brag,

I ain't got but like a four-inch dick.

That's from the ground.

For real. Peace.

Yo, my name is Joe Torry.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah, y'all like that. Look at them.

I'd like to bring out the brother who made it possible.

Uh, he's rich, but he look broke than a motherfucker.

Russell Simmons, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

We want to thank you for making it possible.

We want to thank HBO.

Y'all be safe. Bye-bye.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

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