Original subtitles

Mystery Library.

♫ Well I'm strong as a bull, I can lift a ton ♫

♫ I can supe up an old jalopy

♫ And I'm a pool-shootin' son of a gun ♫

♫ I've got a reputation of bein' a lady's man ♫

♫ I got a black guitar and I play it hard ♫

♫ In a kicking country band

♫ I'm a jack of all trade, I can weld that steel ♫

♫ Got a nine-pound hammer, ain't got no bill ♫

♫ Guess I was born lucky, I know I got it made ♫

♫ There ain't much I can't handle, I'm a jack of all trade ♫

♫ When it comes to hard work

♫ You won't see me back down

♫ Ain't a thing so tough

♫ That I can't get over now

♫ Well I'm a jack of all trade

Mm, mm, mm.

God-damnit!

If it's not one thing, it's another in this damn shit hole.

101.1, The Lips.

Today's hits, yesterday's classics.

Here's a special bulletin.

Supernatural serial-killer Edgar Friendly,

AKA Mr. Bonejangles on the loose in the warehouse district.

He's already killed three people tonight.

Conventional weapons are useless against him.

Shit.

Wow.

What an exciting night.

Sure is.

This is why we joined the force, right?

All the action.

No doubt.

Speaking of action.

What'd you do last weekend?

Rearrange your doll collection again?

They're called action-figures.

And no, I had a date.

Yeah, a date.

You don't know her but I had a real hot date with her.

Wow!

And by a hot date, do you mean your right hand,

or your left hand this time?

I had a date with a girl.

A real one.

We had sex and everything, too.

Randy, there's no shame

in you still being a virgin, right?

No, no actually, there kind of is.

But you don't have to lie to me about it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've had all kinds of sex.

For sure.

Stand-up sex.

Lay-down sex.

Sideways sex.

All available units, request you go over...

Bed sex, car sex, shower sex.

Hold that thought.

This is 80.

Car 80, do you copy?

Are you there, Doug?

Roger that, on our way.

Can't we let somebody else take care of this?

If they say they need everybody,

it's probably something pretty big.

Now come on, let's go be cops.

What the hell is a 327 anyway?

I don't know.

Alright, listen up, guys.

Perp has already killed three people tonight.

He should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Who exactly are we dealing with, Captain?

Edgar Friendly Jr.

Why does that name sound so familiar?

Captain, he's slaughtered over 100 people

and they say he can't be killed.

Yeah, I heard his mom was a voodoo priestess

who infused him with all sorts of dark supernatural powers.

Alright, that has yet to be determined, alright?

But what we do know is that his father was

the New Brunswick Ripper,

fairly notorious serial-killer in his own right.

In fact, it was his death 30 years ago

which led Edgar down his own bloody path.

Edgar!

Edgar.

It's coming for me, boy.

It's coming for us!

You just remember what I taught you over the years.

You stay away from these women!

They got nothin' for you

and once they get into you and your wee winky,

you're just as good as dead.

Edgar Friendly, come out with your hands up.

You're surrounded, this is your only warning!

You just remember,

the only good pig is a dead pig!

You can't let 'em take you away.

You wait for the screamin' to die down, boy,

then you get outta here,

and go on and do your daddy proud.

You want me, pigs?

Well, here I am.

Now, the chief wants him taken down

and he wants him taken down tonight.

There's a few precautions that I wanna go over

with you guys.

Hey, Doug, when you were a kid,

did you dream about becoming a cop when you grew up?

Yeah.

What about it?

Did those dreams involve you going toe-to-toe

with an inhuman serial-killer who could rip your spine out

through your asshole?

No!

No, they never did. Hey.

Neither did mine.

Weird, huh?

Let's bail on this.

What?

They'll never notice if we just blend into the background

and then disappear while they're rushing inside.

You're a true credit to the badge, Randy, you know that?

You wanna get sliced and diced by a inhumane serial-killer

with daddy-issues, be my guest.

But me, I'd like to live to,

lose my virginity.

I know you do.

What's the matter, Myers, your butt-buddy Partridge

come down with another bad case of pussyitis?

Lisa?

Oh, hi.

I didn't notice you when you're not down on all fours.

That's cute,

considering you've probably never even seen a woman naked.

You should probably just conserve your bullets, alright?

Conventional weapons,

they don't seem to do much for this guy.

He's been shot, stabbed, burned, drowned,

doused with toxic waste, and even frozen, for god's sakes.

Now, electricity, now that's proven effective

at incapacitating him in the past, which is why

you're all armed with these industrial-strength tasers.

So don't hesitate to use them, and godspeed all of you.

And remember, most of you won't be coming back tonight.

Alright, let's go.

You two, go check out the west wing

while the rest of us head to the east wing.

Why do we have to go off on our own

when the rest of you get to stick together?

Um, oh, mostly so you two pussies don't fuck up

our only chance of catching the bad guy.

But if you see a scary spider, call it in on your radio,

and we'll come save you.

Cunt.

And you search for Mr. Bonejangles in the west wing,

that's what we'll be doing.

Come on, I'm sure getting brutally murdered

in the west wing is just like getting brutally murdered

in any other part of this place.

This is messed up, we shouldn't be here,

especially by ourselves.

We suck at being cops, man, everybody knows it.

We're the laughing stock of the entire force.

Hey, I know, how about keeping your voice down, buddy?

You know, 'cause of the whole mask-wearing psycho guy shit?

Sorry.

Way to stand up for yourself with Lisa, by the way.

You could have said something to get her to take us with her

but you pussied out like you always do.

What's that supposed to mean?

Every time you get a chance to do something,

even a little bit heroic and prove yourself,

you wimp out, let someone else take all the glory.

Why'd you even become a cop in the first place?

That sounded like...

I know!

What are we gonna do?

Dude!

I was just kiddin' about that hero stuff.

You do not have to do that right now!

Doug?

Doug!

Doug, look.

Do you think he's in there?

Maybe.

If he is, what are we gonna do?

We go in.

Guns blazing.

Pulaski said bullets don't do dick against this guy

except piss him off. Right, right.

Okay, um.

Okay, you go in guns blazing,

and while he's distracted by that,

I'll hit him with a taser.

That is a really shitty plan.

Yeah, okay.

You ready, buddy?

If you get me killed, I'm gonna be so pissed.

Yeah.

We go on three.

One.

Two.

Three!

Holy fuck!

Jesus Christ.

They're all dead.

Oh, shit.

That's Captain Pulaski.

Would you keep your voice down?

He could still be close by.

If that's the case, we gotta get outta here!

We got...

Thanks to last night's debacle,

we are dealing with a severely-depleted police force,

namely the three of you and a new transfer

who should be here at any moment.

Officer...

Hi!

- Juan Larumba? - Nice to meet you, kisses.

And kisses to you, and kisses to you, and,

kisses to you, Mr. Boss Man.

Right.

So the situation is that Mr. Bonejangles

is being held downstairs under heavy sedation.

The mayor wants him out of town as soon as possible

and frankly I could not agree more.

Where are we taking him, Chief?

Smithsgrove Sanatorium have agreed to take him off

of our hands, they have more experience in these situations.

But that place is like hundreds of miles away.

I don't wanna be locked up in a transport

with that freak for so long.

Put a lid on it, Myers.

No, he's absolutely right, Smithsgrove has agreed

to send a transport team to meet us halfway.

In the town of Argento.

Argento?

Officer...

Partridge.

Partridge, that's right.

You know the town?

No.

Wait, aren't you from Argento?

Shh!

Sir, with all due respect,

we can't go there.

Why the hell not?

Well, it's a long story, you see...

Let me stop you right there,

we don't have time for stories.

You are all going to Argento.

You'll leave at 0800, get Bonejangles out of town,

and all of our troubles will be over, I promise.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Why can't we go to your hometown, what's so bad about it?

It's complicated.

Road trip!

Dang, there's a lot more people in here

than there were last year.

Oh yeah, tonight's a very special night.

By the way, are you going to the wedding?

You bet.

So, uh, what's with those?

Those?

They fuck shit up.

Alright, alright, alright.

What do you think, dearie?

Oh, it's uh, it's beautiful, Marlo.

Well, I tried my best, which isn't easy with...

Hubba, hubba.

Sally, do you look good enough to eat.

In fact, I think I'm gonna get me a bite right now.

I bet that dress is gonna look real good on you tonight,

but I bet it's gonna look even better all crumpled up

on the bedroom floor, if you know what I mean, huh?

Here you go, Marlo.

A little somethin' extra for your troubles.

Shit!

Sorry, Marlo.

Forgot you had that thing.

Fuck.

You should really think about puttin' a mitten on that thing

or somethin' so you don't freak out the normals.

No offense.

Babe, spill it.

Okay, what's bothering you?

No, I'm fine.

No, you ain't!

Old Clint can always tell when his girl's feelin' trouble,

unless she's on the rag.

Shit, please tell me that ain't it.

No, it's just I...

Do you really think today is a good day

for us to get married?

Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Oh!

You mean 'cause of all the?

No.

You're just gettin' the wedding day jitters.

But not old Clint.

Don't worry, baby, tonight is gonna go off without a hitch.

And I was all "stop frontin'" and she was all

"I'm not frontin'" and I said "uh-huh"

and she said "nuh-uh."

Does anybody wanna trade places with me?

Don't get your panties in a bunch, Myers.

I'll babysit the big bad guy for ya.

Don't want you to wet your pants now, do we?

Okay, just try to resist the urge to drop down

on your knees and blow the guy.

I know that's gonna be hard for you to do

being a raging homo and everything.

So, how long since you've been back to Argento?

10 years.

That long, huh?

Well,

I guess a lot has changed since then.

Nothing's changed.

You are freaking me out.

If you don't tell me what's so awful about going home,

I'm gonna assume it has something to do with a

grove of evil rape trees.

Evil rape trees?

Pretty ridiculous, huh?

But I'm assuming it's no more ridiculous

than the real reason you don't wanna go home.

So come on, what's wrong?

Have you ever had to make a decision in which

your entire future depended on the choice that you made?

Yeah, like at lunch yesterday.

I could have gone with the double-bean burrito, but I knew

I'd be spending the rest of the day on the crapper so,

I went with the chicken quesadilla instead.

I'm thinking that's not what you meant.

I had a choice many years ago and it's one that

took me away from Argento and led me to becoming a cop.

And now you're wondering if you made

the right decision or not?

Something like that.

So there old Clint was,

surrounded by evil,

low on gas,

and down to my last two shells in old Bernese here.

So what'd you do next, Clint?

I did what I always do.

I kicked their asses!

Yeah!

That Clint can certainly weave an entertaining yarn.

Can't he, Sally?

I never get tired hearing about his many adventures.

- That makes one of us. - I'm sorry, what?

Hm?

Oh, nothing.

Thank you so much again for letting us

have our wedding here, Mr. Mayor.

Oh, think nothing of it, it's the least we can do

with Clint saving our bacon year after year.

I mean, truth be told, if it wasn't for Clint,

Argento would have been destroyed years ago.

Well I mean, still, you didn't have to go through...

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Hey, could I get everyone's attention, please?

Please, thank you.

Now look, there's only a few more minutes left until sundown

and I know we've been through this many times before,

but I think our best course of action is just to hold up

in here for the night and in the morning we'll just

go about our lives as we always do.

No, nothing to worry about at all.

It's almost time, my pet, time for the progeny

to once again pay for the sins of their forebears.

Time once again for my wrath to be unleashed.

Ooo, I do not like the looks of this fog.

It's gonna mess up my do and give me the frazzles, for sure.

This van is a piece of shit.

We here, y'all, but I don't see anybody else.

We could look for them on foot, I suppose,

but that's gonna be a biatch in all this fog.

Fog?

Oh, shit.

Geez, he wasn't kidding, it is pretty foggy out.

- What's the date today? - What?

The date, what's today's date?

The 17th, I think, or the 18th?

Which is it?

The 18th!

Jesus, what is the matter?

Hello, there.

Relax guys, this guy's from Smithsgrove.

That's right.

You must be the officers they sent me to meet.

Man, it's foggy out here, isn't it?

I seem to have lost my car, can you help me look for it?

- Where'd you come from? - Over there.

Hey, maybe I could ride with you guys.

Fuck this shit, yo!

In the van, just get back in the van.

Who was that guy?

Oh my god.

- Spill your guts, Partridge! - What?

You're from this town, aren't you?

What the hell is going on? Yeah.

Sorry, bud, I got caught up in the moment!

We're waiting.

Okay, fine.

For as long as anyone can remember,

the town of Argento has been cursed.

Three o'clock.

Go on.

Every year on April 18th, the dead rise up

to feast on anything living that crosses their path.

How do we stop them?

You don't, all you can do is wait until morning.

At dawn, the dead return to their graves.

I mean, at least that's the way it always used to be.

Zombies?

And you didn't feel compelled to mention any of this before,

when you had the chance, Doug?

Well, to tell you the truth,

it all kind of slipped my mind.

It has been a while since I've been back here.

Why the hell didn't you wanna come back here

if it's not the zombies you're worried about?

Nevermind that now, we've gotta get to safety.

Okay, what about Bonejangles?

It doesn't matter, there's enough sedative in there

to keep him quiet till sun-up.

- Okay. - Let's go.

Oh my god!

Oh, Mr. President.

What will your wife say?

Oh, shit.

Oh well, it's not like it's the first time

I've found myself dazed and confused.

And covered in goo.

Damnit, where is everybody?

No one's at home, they're all at the rec center.

Everyone gathers there to wait out the attack.

Where is that?

This way.

Look, I know we've got a lot going on

with the zombies and everything,

but can you offer any explanation for this?

Geez, Randy!

I know.

I've had it ever since we stepped out into the fog

and I haven't been thinkin' about boobs or anything.

Weird, huh? Yeah.

Do you fuck-wits wanna stop jerking each other off

and come help me out?

Doug!

Lisa!

- I'm out. - Me too.

We gotta get to that rec center now.

Okay, okay.

Randy, come on, we're moving!

Randy.

Shit, I must have lost him in the fog!

Randy! I'm sorry.

We're as good as dead if we stay here now.

We gotta get to that rec center.

- Okay. - Okay.

No bars.

How am I supposed to update my Instagram

when I ain't got no bars?

Worst.

Trip.

Ever.

Tic, tic!

Tic!

Much better now.

Now, what am I going to eat?

Tum-tum's been grumblin' ever since I left the highway and

there doesn't seem to be a Pinkberry anywhere around here.

Twinkles!

Oh, Twinkles!

Twinkles!

Oh, snap.

Well, well.

What we got here, Eustace?

Looks like we got one of them, what do you call 'em?

Lady-boys.

Mm-hm!

Thank you.

Oh, down there.

It's locked from the inside.

There's gotta be a way in here.

Yeah, of course, I mean they always keep a spare key.

Spare key!

Why are all the lights off?

I, I don't know.

Dingleberry?

Little Dougie Dingleberry?

What the hell are you doin' here?

Don't tell me you're a cop now.

I guess they'll let anybody join the force nowadays.

So.

You a cop too, little chucks?

Gee, what gave that away?

It's Officer Guitierez.

But you can call me Lisa.

What's going on in here?

The undead are rampaging through your town

and you're having some kind of wedding.

Doug?

You let 'em chain you like an animal.

You gotta bust free.

You gotta avenge your daddy, Edgar.

But you got your mind on the womens, don't ya?

God-damnit, boy!

Pay attention to me when I is talkin' to you!

I had sex once and she put some kind of voodoo hex on me,

the result of which was your unholy birth.

That's why you can't die.

But you're vulnerable during sex.

Never forget that, boy.

Protect your wee winky.

Protect your wee winky!

What are the chances that the same day I decide to go

hitchhiking across Mid-America,

I get picked up by you fun-lovin' kids?

Play us a song, Bruce.

I can do that.

I know just the song.

♫ I knew a man, his name was Bonejangles ♫

♫ He'd stab you in your ass with a huge fuckin' knife ♫

♫ You run so fast, you run so far ♫

♫ But he'll still get you

♫ He had mangled face and bloodied hands ♫

♫ Hanging bones, that old boogie man ♫

♫ Mr. Bonejangles, Mr. Bonjangles will still ♫

♫ Kill you all

What, you guys have never heard that song?

Dang, I thought everybody knew that song.

Well, you see, once upon a time...

Nobody cares.

Where the hell is Wes?

He left to go get more beer at the camp almost an hour ago.

Relax, Toby, he probably got lost.

He'll find us soon enough.

He has been gone an awful long time.

Maybe someone should go look for him.

Well, Jamie, you are his girlfriend.

What are you waiting for?

We've only been dating a few weeks.

He hasn't even gone to second base yet.

He can find his own way back.

And now what are we gonna do?

We don't know anybody in this town and we're out of beer.

Any suggestions?

A forest orgy?

Hell no.

I could play you a song.

I could play you some of my work in progress.

It's about noted French philosopher Pierre de Chardin.

So, forest orgy?

What was that?

It was probably just...

Booga, booga, booga!

I'm Mr. Bonejangles, or something!

And I'm here for your bones.

Your bones!

Just kidding, guys.

Not funny, Wes.

I thought it was pretty funny.

You should have seen your...

Come on, Wes, seriously.

Dude, knock it the fuck off.

You're freakin' out the girls.

What, not a beer drinker?

Fuck.

Please.

Please, help me.

A big guy just killed one of my friends,

and I don't know who else...

All emergency services in Argento are

suspended tonight until sunrise.

Please remain indoors and keep your doors and windows

locked and fortified.

Thank you, and have a pleasant evening.

What?

What the hell is wrong with this town?

That was Marilyn.

I think he got Toby, too.

Who the hell is that guy?

I think that's Mr. Bonejangles.

They say he can't be killed, and he was born...

Now is not the time!

Um, let me think.

Um, I'll make a distraction.

I'll be right back, I'll go get my guitar.

I'll make a distraction.

Alright, I'm gonna make a distraction,

and when I do that, you run.

You'd do that for me?

Don't worry, just get out of here and run, okay?

Just get out of here. Thank you.

Hey, she's over here!

Uh, you can use this on her.

Oh, I'm so sorry it had to be this way.

Oh, I'll go on and I'll be the greatest singer-songwriter

in history and I'll dedicate my first

Grammy win to your memory.

Jessie, Jenner, Jenny.

Jenny, that's it, we'll go Jenny.

Sally?

You're, you're an angel?

What?

Nothing.

Hi.

Hi?

It's been 10 years and all you can say is hi?

Well, I meant to call or write or maybe email.

What are you doing here?

Well, we were transporting Mr. Bonejangles,

an unkillable serial-killer, by the way,

for pickup by Smithsgrove Sanitarium when we were attacked.

Just the two of you?

No.

No, Randy, my partner, was with us.

I lost him in the fog, I'm sure the zombies got him.

Oh, and then there was Juan,

and he's...

I'm sure he's in a much better place now, too.

♫ And they closed the narrow lane ♫

Look.

You can stay here through the night but it's,

it's probably best that we don't see each other again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get married.

Do you remember when we first met?

How can I forget?

You were the most pathetic thing I'd ever seen.

I'll admit, high school was an everyday battle

of me versus pubic humiliation.

Heads up, Dingleberry!

With public humiliation usually winning out.

Science class was even worse.

Heads up, Dingleberry!

And don't even get me started on shop class.

Heads up, Dingleberry!

But there was one person there,

that made everything seem worthwhile.

You were the only person who showed me any real attention.

And for that, I am forever grateful to you.

So why didn't you ever tell me

how you felt about me?

I just couldn't.

Well!

Goodnight.

I desperately wanted to, but,

I didn't wanna risk ruining what I already had with you.

Did you ever think that maybe I had feelings for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, sure I did.

So, so I planned to finally tell you everything.

Pour my heart out to you.

Really?

Yeah.

I had the perfect night and location picked out for it.

Here, of all places.

At our senior prom.

Best.

Prom.

Ever.

Which, if you remember,

happened to be held on April 18th that year for some reason.

It was do or die time.

I was gonna be the hero, save the day, get the girl.

So what happened?

What do you think happened?

Heads up, Dingleberry!

I woke up a few hours later,

but it was all over.

Hey, kid, you're safe.

Your friend was able to pull you to safety.

Who?

That guy.

So I says, "heads up, Dingleberry!"

Grabbed this little love monster here.

And old Clint saved the day.

They labeled him a hero, gave him a parade,

and above all else,

he got you.

I dropped out of school the next day, left town,

and I never looked back.

And you became a cop.

I joined the force to prove to myself that I could

look danger in the face without backing down.

It's not been working out too well for me so far.

I waited for you.

Every day.

Every day I waited for you to come back to me.

Even after your parents had given up hope and moved away,

ever after I agreed to marry Clint, I,

I held out hope that you would come back.

Sally, I...

But then I realized, you were never coming back.

And now that I'm finally ready to move on with my life,

here you are.

I can't do this to myself anymore.

I've, I've moved on.

Hey!

What's taking so long in here?

Dingleberry crap himself or somethin'?

He's fine, Clint, what do you want?

The mayor wanted me to tell you,

that the wedding has been delayed.

For 30 minutes.

So go take a leak or somethin' now

while you've got some time.

Pussy said what?

What?

Ha, pussy.

Was that good for you?

Um.

Yeah, sure.

Well, I know we've only been dating for, like,

three weeks and all, but,

this has been the best three weeks of my life.

You're an amazing woman,

and you give my life meaning.

That's why I, I wanna tell you,

I love you, Heather.

You probably didn't hear what I said.

Oh, I did.

That's nice, Sam.

I'm gonna take a piss.

Cool, could you grab me a beer while you're out there?

Thank you!

♫ They call it bad love, baby

"I love you, Heather."

What the fuck are you thinkin', man?

♫ But you just can't find the door ♫

How about that beer, Sam?

Sam?

Sam, where are you?

I'm freezing my ass off out here!

Run!

So what's old Clint gonna do for 30 minutes?

That.

The two of you made a very attractive couple,

if you don't mind my saying.

Um, thanks.

Yes.

She is quite the looker.

I'm sure you and her had all kinds of, uh,

formal relations in the back of her daddy's station wagon.

Ohh.

Touched a nerve, did I?

Tell me, boy.

You still ain't a virgin, are ya?

What?

No, what does that have to do with anything?

Good.

Good.

That'll keep you safe from Rowena, then.

Rowena?

Ain't you originally from this town, boy?

Little Dougie.

Dingleberry.

Okay, look, it's Partridge.

Doug Partridge.

And,

yes.

I am originally from here.

Then surely you've heard the legend of Rowena Abernathy?

The witch that cursed this town over 100 years ago.

Yeah, I've heard the stories, but that's all they are.

Stories.

The curse is real.

So is she.

I should know, it was ancestor,

that passed sentence on her

back in 1872.

And damned this town for all eternity.

Yeah, alright.

Look, mister, I don't have time for your creepy bullshit,

so, I would much rather sit here alone

and wallow in self-pity.

If that's alright with you.

In addition to being one of Satan's concubines,

she was also the town whore.

She ran her services out of the old bordello

down by the cemetery.

Well, crap.

This is happening, isn't it?

Legend has it that she was quite the pro, too.

She could

suck the chrome right off a door knob.

Anyhoo.

A group of young men,

went down to her bordello to, uh,

sew their wild oats,

and they never came back.

The town became suspicious.

She was killing them?

Not exactly.

She was keeping them alive.

Feeding off their life force through, um,

carnal means.

You see, Rowena was not some simple witch.

She was a succubus.

Wait, so she was sexing them to death?

Well, I guess it's not the worst way to go out.

Ow.

Don't joke about things you know nothin' about, boy!

It soon came to light that she was responsible

for many of the plights that befell our fair town.

And that was when my ancestor, the sheriff at the time,

sentenced her to death.

Let it be known, on this day,

April 18th,

1872,

the people of Argento have found you, Rowena Abernathy,

guilty of the crimes of witchcraft.

Of killing Vincent Halloway's prized goat Isabelle.

She was to retire in two days!

Ruining the good looks of Agnes Cremshaw,

formerly the most beautiful resident of our town.

Even Simon won't pleasure himself outside my bedroom now.

It's true, my pecker is as flacid as cornmeal mush,

every time I look at her repugnant form.

And finally, you gave Simon the pervert

the most severe case of crabs,

of which he assures us,

was not contracted by fornicating

with Vincent Halloway's prized goat Isabelle.

My naughty bits,

they're burning like the fiery pits of hell.

It must be witchcraft!

Yeah!

Have you any last words to say

before your sentence is carried out?

If I am to burn, then on this night and every year hence,

my vengeance will be carried out upon you in ways

your feeble minds cannot even begin to comprehend.

That'll do!

Your death sentence shall be carried out!

Fools!

You think this form contains my power?

All of you who have succumbed to your mortal lust

and have lain with me now have a portion

of my dark essence within you.

You will be transformed into my minions of darkness,

and you will stalk the earth and feast upon the living.

Vengeance is mine!

Well, it's a good thing,

none of us had sex with that evil witch!

Right, fellas?

Right.

Right, right.

Rowena's retribution began that night,

as all the poor souls who fornicated with her,

were transformed,

into her vile minions.

And it is those same minions

who rise from their graves every April 18th

to carry out her vengeance upon this town,

year after year.

And as for Rowena,

they say her evil spirit still resides in that old bordello.

And nobody's brave enough to go in after her.

Not that they could stop her anyway.

Her power is too great.

Okay, so, let's just say that

this isn't all a bunch of demented old man nonsense

and you're actually telling the truth,

if one could defeat Rowena,

would that in turn end the curse?

Perhaps.

To do so, you would need a being

of almost unlimited supernatural power.

You happen to have one of those just

lying around?

As long as she has the juice lad to feed off of,

her power will continue to grow.

Pay attention, god-damnit!

What? Sorry.

You were saying something about a juice lad?

He...

He was my nephew.

She's currently sucking all of the juice out of him,

to keep herself strong and vibrant.

All because the poor bastard's a virgin.

That girl.

She broke your heart, yeah?

Well you know nothing

what true rejection is.

You were spurned by one girl.

I was spurned by the whole town for what my forefathers did!

Hold on, you said your nephew is a virgin?

That's right.

Only virgins can give her the power that she needs.

She has been suckin' on poor Courtney now

for almost 20 years.

He's gotta be about all dried up.

And, what happens when she uses him all up?

Well, I suppose she gets herself a new juice lad.

Another virgin.

Oh, god.

Randy.

Whoa.

Oh, come on.

Still?

Go down.

Go down!

Susan Boyle wearing a thong eating a cucumber.

Susan Boyle wearing a thong and eating a cucumber.

Damnit.

Jesus Christ, who the hell are you?

I'm Courtney, but you can call me the juice lad.

Everybody else does!

What happened to you?

Rowena happened to me!

She has quite the appetite for virgins, like me!

Oh, and judging by Mr. Happy there, you're next.

Hold on a second.

So you're saying that this witch...

Rowena.

Right, you're saying that she brought me here

to have sex with me?

Yes.

But it's more than that.

The act of sexual intercourse with her

will take you to heights you've never felt before.

That's good.

But, she will drain the life force out from your body,

making her more powerful in the process!

That sounds bad.

Until you're a dried and useless husk like me!

But I'll still have sex, right?

Have you been listening to anything I've said?

She's an evil succubus.

A succubus, that means that she'll suck my...

It doesn't mean what you think it means.

Fornicating with her will damn your immortal soul!

Right, but I'll still get to have sex.

I will have you now.

Give yourself over to me, body and soul.

No, don't listen to her!

Only you can protect your soul and your precious,

precious juices within.

Well, you both have really compelling arguments here.

I'm not really sure whose side...

I think we've got a winner.

Oh, no.

Do you wanna keep it down, what if your fiance hears us?

Oh relax, she's too preoccupied with the wedding.

Shit, speaking of which.

Yeah, we still got a few more minutes

before I have to head back for the ceremony.

Let's kick it into high gear.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, King Kong ain't got shit on you, baby.

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo!

Please don't do that, you're really bad at talking dirty.

What was that?

Probably just the zombies, they do that from time to time.

Shouldn't those doors be locked or something?

No, no, no.

Those doors are too heavy to be broken down.

They lock from the inside.

Unless some undead retard has a machete or somethin'.

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Well, shit, color me surprised.

Do something, he's coming right for us.

Relax, sugar-tits, old Clint's got this.

Come get me.

Sally, Sally!

Doug, please, I don't have time for this.

I'm trying to find my fiance.

Well, he's most likely banging Lisa right now

in the locker room.

Okay, okay, look.

I am so sorry about hurting you all those years ago.

But please, please, don't marry Clint.

That guy is an asshole.

And he's not right for you at all.

You don't...

You're right.

He is.

But if you think you're just gonna come in here

and win me over, you've got another thing...

No no, no no no, that's not what this is about.

I think Randy is still alive and I might have a way of

saving him and possibly ending this curse once and for all.

But, I have to wake up Mr. Bonejangles.

The serial-killer.

Yeah, that's the one.

I can't do this alone.

I need your help, please.

Hey, Clint, what ya doin'?

What the hell's it look like I'm doin', Dingleberry?

I'm gettin' the hell outta here!

Now? Why?

Why?

Why?

Why the hell do you think?

I'm no use to anybody anyone and it's all your fault!

Clint!

I don't know if you knew this or not, Dingleberry,

but I never really liked you.

I had my inclinations.

You know, I know the real reason

you came back here tonight.

You're tryin' to win Sally back, aren't ya?

I don't know what she ever saw in a wuss like you, but,

I know she still loves you.

You, you do?

So here's your chance,

to finally get the girl and be the big hero.

'Cause old Clint's hero days are officially over!

What's the matter, too afraid to show yourself?

Especially 'cause I know exactly how to kill your ugly ass.

Fuckin' shit, motherfucker, god damnit, fuckin' shit!

There you are.

Come and get me, you ugly fuck-tard.

Just a few more steps and you can stab the shit out of me

all you like.

Come on, Clint, come on, Clint.

Come on, Clint, come on, Clint.

Now!

Fuckin'!

Fuck!

Fuck my life.

Don't worry, we've been prepared for this kind of thing.

The backup generators will kick on any minute now,

and we'll be just...

Fuck.

How is this possible?

How did they get in?

This is all your fault.

Everything was fine till you showed up!

Let go of me!

- Oh. - My.

God.

No.

At last.

A dark warrior has sent to free us from Rowena.

Our savior!

Come on, Sally, we gotta go.

Even if we make it to the bordello and find your friend,

I mean, what then?

If Rowena has him, there's no way to stop her.

Well, that's where tall, dark and gruesome comes in.

Here.

You think he's strong enough to stop her?

If he's not, maybe he can at least keep her busy

long enough for me to find Randy.

First we have to get him to the bordello.

Hey, asshole.

Why don't you quit wasting time on Dingleberry,

and step up the plate against a real man?

Oh my god, Clint?

That's right!

I'm back, baby, and I'm badder than ever!

Funky.

Where is he?

He's gone!

Damnit, he was right behind us.

It sounds like Rowena's torturing some poor girl in there.

No, that's Randy.

Seriously?

What is she doing to him?

It's, it's, it's starting to hurt a little now!

Told ya!

You should have ran when you had the chance!

Look at what you've done, look at her!

You found her g-spot, you can keep this up!

Doug, no!

Sally, get out of here!

I'll hold him off as long as I can, just go!

Doug, you don't have to do this.

Yes, yes I do.

I love you, Sally.

I love you, too.

I always have.

Really?

Lucky.

Lucky punch.

But guess what?

I know that you've still got one weakness.

Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.

Oh, come on!

Are you kidding me?

That a boy, Eustace, you nailed that sumbitch

like a five-point bug.

Mm-hm!

Oh no you didn't.

That's what you get for messin' with my man.

Larumba?

You're alive?

You know it, sweetie.

Thanks to these two stud muffins here.

That is so great!

What took you so long to find us?

What are you talkin' about, honey?

I tried ringing you on the radio all night long.

Radio?

Um.

Oops, I forgot to turn it on.

I really am a shitty cop, aren't I?

Yes, you are.

Wait, is he dead?

Well, on any other night I would hope so, but,

we still need him to take out,

her.

Look upon me, mortals, and despair.

The hour of your annihilation starts now.

Doug?

What are you doing?

I think we should see other people.

It's not you, it's me.

We can still be friends!

Randy?

You're okay?

No, he's not okay, look at him.

Eugh.

Yeah, I am.

Just a little parched, that's all.

Anybody got a bottle of water?

Oh god, Randy.

You didn't.

Didn't what?

You had sex with the witch.

What? No.

No, I didn't. Of course you did.

Look at you, you look like a half-filled sausage casing.

You totally banged the succubus.

She didn't do anything with her mouth, actually, so...

I mean I have no idea what you're talking about.

Go forth, my damned legion.

Go forth and devour these mortals.

Your master commands you.

Oh shit, oh shit!

Oh, shit.

Randy, do you have your taser?

I did bang the succubus, okay?

Will you drop it?

- Never mind. - Silence!

I've tasted the flesh of mortals,

but never the flesh of an immortal.

I must have it.

Come to me.

Come to Rowena.

What's with Captain Stabby all of a sudden?

She has him in her power.

Wait, if she gets her strength from having sex with

normal human virgins, what's gonna happen

when she has sex with something like him?

Oh, shit.

By bringing Mr. Bonejangles here, I might have made Rowena all-powerful.

Oops.

Hey, we've all done things we're not proud of tonight.

Am I right?

You are the most powerful creature I have ever seen.

Your power will be mine once you give yourself to me.

Prepare yourself, the orgasmic moans of our coitus

shall echo downward into the deepest, darkest pits of hell.

Protect your wee winky, boy.

Wee winky not safe!

What the hell is going on?

I don't know!

Doug.

Look.

I don't know what just happened but I,

I think the curse is finally broken.

Rowena's gone, it's over.

See?

I don't know why everybody was so upset with me before.

Everything worked out alright in the end.

You still think I slept with that witch?

I can see why you would think that,

but the thing about that is, she was just making me watch

while she, with the other dude.

Hey.

Don't worry, Randy, once you get some fluids in you,

you're gonna be as good as new.

Me too?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

This is my new friend Courtney.

Say hi, Courtney.

Hello!

I'm Courtney but you can call me the juice lad!

Yeah!

Well, I'm not gonna do that.

I'll see you at the hospital, bud.

Get some rest.

Yeah.

Will do.

And Doug? Yeah.

Between you and me, I totally banged the succubus.

I know you did, buddy.

I know you did.

So.

What now?

Well, now,

I start drinking heavily in an attempt

to forget everything about these past few days.

Really?

Everything?

Well, maybe not everything.

Y'all need a ride somewhere?

Nope!

No, I think we're good.

Are you sure?

There's plenty of room in here.

No, we're uh, we're fine!

We're fine.

Little man, we're gonna get you home and me

and Eustace are gonna make you squeal like a little piggy.

Uh-huh!

Oh, that's so sweet!

How about that?

I guess true love really does conquer all.

If those three love birds can make it in this

crazy mixed-up world we live in,

anybody can.

Doug?

Yeah.

Shut up and kiss me.

Well.

Worth the wait.

♫ Welcome

♫ It's time to be spectacular

♫ Time to seize the day

♫ It's all right here

♫ It's so clear and we can lead the way ♫

♫ It starts right here and today's the day ♫

♫ Here we are and we're alright ♫

♫ Now we're gonna hit you like a lightning strike ♫

♫ Here we are and we're alright ♫

♫ When we come together it's a lightning strike ♫

♫ Oh, let me hear ya

♫ Bring it up

♫ Everybody, hands up

♫ Come on

♫ Hands up

♫ Hands up

♫ Hands up

♫ Come on, come on

♫ Hands up