Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? Songs that made the hit parade ?

? Guys like us, we had it made ?

? Those were the days ?

? And you knew where you were then ?

? Girls were girls, and men were men ?

? Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ?

? Didn't need no welfare state ?

? Everybody pulled his weight ?

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ?

? Those were the days ?

? Said the mama fitty, "'fim' if you can" ?

? And they fam and they fam all over the dam ?

? Boom boom dittem dattem whattem chu ?

? Boom boom dittem dattem whattem chu ?

And this.

This here.

Wait a minute! Wait a min...

Edith, what are you doing? I just packed these.

You can't pack 'em like that.

They'll be wrinkled by the time we get there.

We're goin' fishing, Edith.

The fish don't give a damn how I look as long as my worms smell good.

Barney and Blanche'll think I don't take good care of you.

Barney and Blanche, they shouldn't even be going with us.

Why can't we go up to that little weekend cabin alone?

Well, I guess 'cause it's Barney's cabin, and he invited us.

And it's Barney's car and...

All right, Edith. All right!

You made a small point. Don't build it up.

The point I'm tryin' to make is

I can't warm up to Blanche.

I can't forgive her for what she done to my poor pal Barney...

Running off with another guy to Atlantic City.

Archie, Blanche came back to him.

That's what I can't forgive.

She should have stood there in Atlantic City.

Everybody'd be better off.

The state of New Jersey would've had one more fallen woman,

but over in Jersey, they'd never notice that.

God forgives everybody that falls.

I know that, Edith.

But God expects more out of women.

That's why He coined the phrase "fallen woman."

Why do you think you never hear nothing about fallen men?

Answer me that.

That's right.

You can't answer that.

Maybe it's because so many men are falling all the time,

nobody pays no attention.

Edith, if you can't give me

the right answers to my questions,

then let's bring the discussion to a merciful end.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm all packed.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, my! You look nice.

What do you mean you're all packed?

When did we decide to take whosis?

- Stephanie. - Whatever.

Stephie's going to stay at the O'Briens' for the weekend.

You got her staying another weekend

with them Catholics there?

They'll drag her off to Mass again.

But I like it.

Can I have some money for the collection plate?

Oh, no dice.

I ain't gonna give you no money

for a Catholic collection plate.

But I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you a buck, you can shoot it on a bingo game.

Archie, that's gambling.

That's one of the main things they do.

She shouldn't be staying with them people anyway. What is the matter?

Ain't there other people in the neighborhood

here with kids?

Hey, the Blooms. They got a kid like you, ain't they?

Yeah, Amy Bloom. She's in my class, too.

She said I can sleep over any time I want to.

Well, there you go. That will be better.

And I can go to Mass with them, too.

Oh, no, no. You can't do that.

No, Mass with the Blooms, no, kiddo.

See, the Blooms are Jewish,

and they go to a temple,

and they have their Sundays on Saturdays.

That's neat!

I can go to temple on Saturday

and church on Sunday.

Holy cow.

Well, then on Monday, you might as well shave the hair off your head

and go beat your tangerine with the "hairy knishes."

Okay, Edith, that's settled now.

The next time, it's gonna be the Blooms

'cause they ain't gonna convert the kid.

You see, one of the good things about the Jews is...

they don't want you.

Oh, there they are!

Stephie, you go down and get in the car.

Okay!

We're gonna drop you at the O'Briens'.

Hiya, Barney! We'll be right down.

Come on, Arch. Hurry up, will you?

Hello, Archie.

Oh, hello there, Blanche.

Archie, hurry up. Here we go.

Hold it, Edith, let's not forget this other big bag here.

Oh, sure.

Here.

I got this here.

Okay, here we go. 1-nothin'. 9!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

Oh, you just missed going to jail.

All right, clear the decks there.

All right. Here, I'm shooting now.

Here we go. What did I get?

- 6! - 6 there.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

I can count by myself!

That is Virginia Avenue, which I own.

Yeah, okay.

Now it's my turn.

Go ahead, Edith, go ahead.

Oh, come on, Daddy.

Mommy needs a new pair of shoes.

Don't spit on the dice, Edith.

- 7! - 7!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7!

Short Line Railroad, $200. Can I buy it?

- No, you can't buy it. - Why not?

Because you already own it.

Oh, good.

Then I don't have to pay.

- What did you get, Blanche? - 6!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Hey! You took a walk on my Boardwalk.

Happens to have a hotel,

and the rent for that is 2,000 simoleons.

Okay, 16, 1650. Okay, I owe you $350.

- No owings. - No owings, Blanche.

- Strictly cash. - Strictly cash.

- Then lend it to me. - No lendings.

Oh, Barney, you're as cheap with this as you are with real money.

And you're as loose with it as you are with my money.

Well, whose turn is it?

Hey, Blanche, learn the game.

If you need more money, you oughta mortgage some of your houses

or sell your property.

If I do that, I'll lose money, and I won't collect any rents.

He'd lend it to me if he wasn't so cheap.

It's not a matter of cheap.

It's against the rules of the game.

No, it's 'cause you're so cheap.

After all, rules are made to be broken.

Well, you oughta know.

Whose turn is it?

I oughta know what?

Nothing. Come on, let's play the game.

- Yeah, play the game. - Come on!

Okay, Barney, if you're so cheap,

you can have all my property!

This is a shame.

Keep out of it!

This is a private argument.

All right, Blanche, all right, keep it private, then...

You know, between Barney and you and the guy that got to you.

That does it!

You see what you've started, Barney?

You promised you would never mention that exterminator again,

and now you've got fatso talkin' about it.

You hear your friend here?

Do you hear your friend?

- I think we're all tired. - Don't gloss it over.

I think maybe we should go to bed.

Barney's not sleeping with me.

He can find another bed.

Where am I supposed to go?

Well, try your hotel on the Boardwalk!

Now, look here, Blanche.

Stop kidding around. I need a bed.

Maybe you can squeeze in with him and Edith.

Is she kiddin'?

Yeah, she's kiddin'.

Okay, Blanche, is that the way you want it?

That's the way I want it!

Well, wait a minute, hold it!

That ain't the way I want it.

I wouldn't be caught dead in your bed!

If you were, I wouldn't notice the difference.

She wouldn't notice the difference.

Oh, Barney, that was a piece of surgery.

Did you see where he went?

Oh, yeah, our bedroom.

What's with the hat?

It's rainin' over the terlet.

That happens.

You'd think you'd fix that hole in the roof.

Keeps it nice and fresh in there.

Let me tell you something, Barney.

This here is very unnatural.

- Huh? - I mean, you, me...

This is the kind of thing

that sent Anita O'Bryant around the bend.

That's a very good-lookin' woman.

Who cares?

And you're on my side of the bed.

It also happens to be my side of the bed.

I suppose you ain't movin', huh?

- You got it. - Aah, I got no use for you.

If you had any guts at all, you'd go in there

and you'd force yourself on your wife.

All this trouble tonight, it's all Blanche's fault.

I don't want to hear that name again.

Blanche, Blanche, Blanche!

What do you want?

Who's talkin' to you?

It sounded like you, fatso!

Hey, Barney.

Huh?

You know them big country spiders

with the eight hairy legs and the seven red eyes?

Yeah.

You know they're very dangerous.

Well, I just seen one crawl under you.

Aah! Aah! Ohh!

Get him off! Get him off!

Oh, hey, is he on me?

No, no. Barney. It's okay. You're safe.

I just crushed it with my behind.

- Boy, what a low-down trick. - Ha ha ha!

You'd resort to anything, won't you?

Quit your beefing. Quit your beefing.

Don't fight, boys!

Try to be happy together!

- Ah, shut up! - Shut up!

Didn't anybody try to warn you about Blanche

before you got married to her?

Yeah, a couple of people.

But I didn't pay any attention to them

because I knew they didn't like her from the beginning.

Who were they?

Her mother and father.

Ohh.

Oh, Blanche, don't worry.

Everything's going to be all right in the morning.

All right for who?

For you and Barney.

And Archie, if he can ever forget

that he spent the night with a man.

Edith.

Oh, look at your face.

Didn't you ever think of leaving Archie?

Oh, Blanche.

Well, didn't you? Didn't you?

Come on, you can tell me.

Well, once.

I thought he was having an affair with another woman.

Was he?

Oh, Archie could never do that.

I didn't think he could.

But you, Edith.

Didn't you ever have an affair with another man?

Oh, Blanche.

Come on, tell me. Come on. Come on.

Come on, tell me.

Well...

why would I want another man

when I got Archie?

That's why.

Archie's the only man for me.

He can't be much of a lover.

Blanche, I'd rather not talk about it.

Oh, that bad, huh?

No, I didn't say that.

Just between us, you know?

Two old friends, girl talk. Let's be honest.

Now, on a scale of 1 to 10,

as a lover,

I would put Barney at about 1 1/2.

Oh...

Oh!

Ho ho ho.

Where would you put Archie?

Oh.

I never heard of a scale like that.

Call it The Bedroom Scale.

Put Archie on it!

I can't even get Archie on the bathroom scale.

You hear that, Barney?

They're laughin' at you.

Oh, yeah?

How do you know they ain't laughin' at you?

Well...

Well, I'll find out.

Oh, my God.

You know, Blanche, with that face,

you could stand outside the cabin

and keep the bears away.

Archie, if you was the last man on Earth

and I was the last woman,

I'd start lookin' at bears.

Wait a minute, you can't escape me in the terlet.

Hey, don't do nothing yet.

Get out of here!

If I was the last man on Earth

and you was the last woman,

I would go to bed with a bush.

Archie, is something wrong?

The only thing wrong is there's no lock on that door

to lock her the hell out of here.

Look out, Edith.

What are you doin'?

I'm gettin' in bed with my wife,

the same as I done for the last 28 years.

29!

Yeah, whatever.

Ahh.

Of course it's not only my habit,

but it happens to be a husband's con-jungle right.

And a wife's convivial obligation.

But Blanche is comin' right back.

Let her go and get into bed with her husband there,

which is a habit that she oughta get back into.

And I hope the two of them punch each other out.

Don't be looking at me with the two eyes.

Close them eyes.

And you go to sleep.

The two of us,

we make out, if she comes back,

like we're dead to the world.

Now, come on, Edith, lights out.

Brrr! Am I cold!

Edith.

Hmm...

Give me a little room, will you?

Blanche, I think you'd better turn on the light.

Edith, this doesn't feel like you.

That's because you're feelin' me.

Don't it strike you funny, Blanche,

that the only guy who could ever get rid of you

was an exterminator?

Well, he'd sure know how to handle a louse like you.

Archie, I think you'd better go back to bed with Barney.

No, let her go back to bed with Barney!

You go back to bed with Barney!

This is my bed!

Well, let me tell you something.

Whilst my wife is in this bed, this is my bed.

And I will not get out of this bed

until my wife gets out of it.

Then I'll get out of it.

And leave me in it with Archie?

Oh!

Oh, no.

Ahh, Blanche, maybe Barney took you back and forgive you,

but not the world and not me.

Archie Bunker speaks for the world, I suppose.

When the world is doin' right, I speak for it.

When it's doin' wrong, I speak to it.

What a dummy.

I'll tell you something else, Blanche.

At this point in time,

the world and me is very disappointed in you.

We are very sorry

that you have turned into a "pyronymphiac."

Archie, be nice.

Edith, this is as nice as I get.

What the hell is go...

Well, excuse me!

This is all your fault, Barney.

I didn't want to fight up here.

It ain't what it looks like!

It was an accident!

See, Blanche went into the bathroom

to... to... to get ready, you know.

And then she jumped into bed with Archie.

I mean, she thought Archie was me.

Get out of here.

If you was a gentleman, you wouldn't be in bed with me.

You get out of here.

If you was a lady,

you certainly wouldn't be in bed with me.

This is my bed, and I am gonna stay in it!

Okay, Blanche, any woman who insists

on remaining in bed with Archie Bunker

has got to face the consequentials.

I can't resist it, Blanche! I can't resist it, Blanche!

What happened?

Your best friend tried to attack me!

A likely story!

Well, you heard him, it's a likely story!

What's the use?

You don't believe anything I say.

Oh, Blanche, listen to me.

Everybody, this whole thing started

because of a little fight over Monopoly money.

Oh, no, no, no, Edith.

It goes way deeper than that.

Archie's right.

It isn't just Monopoly money.

I made a mistake,

and now everybody reminds me of it...

Barney's family, my family,

the whole neighborhood.

Maybe Archie's right.

Maybe he is speaking for the whole world.

Oh, well, there's no maybes about that, Blanche.

Well, what does everybody want me to do?

Disappear? Put my head in the oven?

Oh, no, don't do that.

No, that would be a sin, but you could disappear.

Knock it off, will you, Arch?

I'm trying to be your pal, I'm on your side.

No, wait a minute.

Listen to me, Blanche.

All that's really important

is how you and Barney feel about each other.

It's like what my Aunt Frida from Freeport

always used to say...

"You can't run away from your own head,

so you might as well make friends with it."

So let's everybody make friends

with their own heads and shake hands.

Come on, Archie!

All right, Edith.

No, no, shake hands with Blanche.

Why should I shake hands with her?

She should be shaking hands with him and him with her.

After all, this is the guy that she done wrong.

Archie Bunker!

Will you stay out of this?

Talkin' the truth.

Blanche, honey, listen to me. Edith is right.

The only thing that's really important

is how we feel about each other.

And I think you're beautiful.

I think you're beautiful, too, Barney.

Oh.

Archie, ain't that nice?

I think it's stupid.

Come on, honey.

We'll grab a few Z's, huh?

Good night!

Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold it, Barney!

Where the hell you think you're going?

To bed.

To bed there? Well, I mean...

But daybreak is breaking over here...

At least out there.

That's why it's time to go to bed.

No, it's time to get into the boat

and get out on the lake to fish, fish, fish!

We came up here to fish. The fish are jumpin' there.

Why are you lookin' at me as if I was a nut?

'Cause that's the way you look.

Don't look at me no more, huh?

Just go into the kitchen there, will you, please?

And make coffee and make toast.

Blanche, will you go into the kitchen there

and make the eggs and make bacon, huh?

Barney, don't stand there. Make the... make the beds.

And what are you gonna make?

I...

am gonna make...

believe that none of this ever happened.

All in the Family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0