Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? Songs that made the hit parade ?

? Guys like us we had it made ?

? Those were the days ?

? And you knew where you were then ?

? Girls were girls and men were men ?

? Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ?

? Didn't need no welfare state ?

? Everybody pulled his weight ?

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ?

? Those were the days ?

Coming!

Well, wait a minute.

Coming!

Hello? Hello, Edith.

Hello. Will you excuse me, please?

My phone is ringin'. Coming!

Hello? Oh, Gloria!

I can't talk to you now, there's a man at the door.

No. He's wearing a mustache, but he don't look dangerous.

I got the chain on, anyway.

Yeah, come right over, the dinner's almost ready.

Yeah, bye.

Coming!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't remember me, do you?

Well, yeah. You're the man that was at the door just now.

I'll give you a hint.

The last time you saw me, I had a big beard

and it was full of your wedding cake.

F-Fred?

Fred Bunker? Oh...

Excuse me!

Fred, come in!

Fred Bunker!

Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, it's been 29 years!

Twenty-nine years, 29...

Edith, the smartest thing my brother ever did was to marry you.

Oh... oh, you put back the tooth Archie knocked out.

It's very nice!

Oh, come on and sit... Oh, you want some coffee?

Oh, no, don't go to no trouble.

No, it's no trouble! Come on in the kitchen with me!

Well, Fred, when did you get here?

I, uh, I just drove up from Baltimore with Amy.

Who's Amy?

Oh, Amy is a woman I'm living with.

Oh.

Ever since I divorced Janice there.

What happened to Dorothy?

Oh, Dorothy ran away with a foot doctor.

Oh, that's too bad.

No, it worked out very well for her.

She had bad feet.

Oh.

Oh, well, why didn't you bring Amy with you?

Oh, well, she's out doi" some shoppin' there.

You know, I didn't want to create a problem, you know.

Oh, yeah.

So, how are things going with the... problem?

Oh, fine! He'll be home to dinner any minute.

He owns his own bar now, you know,

just a few blocks from here.

Ma, we're here!

In the kitchen!

Oh, Michael's starvin'.

Yeah, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

But since you haven't got a horse, any kinda pie'll do.

Oh! Oh.

This is my son-in-law Michael Stivic.

And this is our little Gloria!

Oh, grown up now.

You'll never guess who this is.

I'll give you a hint.

One... he's Archie's only livin' relative.

Two... he ain't on my side of the family.

And three... he's your uncle. Guess!

Uncle Alfred.

Oh, she was always so smart.

Oh, Uncle Alfred!

Well, come on, let's go in the livin' room and you can talk.

Here's your coffee.

My Uncle Alfred!

So you're the brother that Archie never talks about.

The one and only.

You never even saw me, even when I was a baby.

No, he drove all the way up here from Baltimore!

In a car!

With... with Amy!

Oh, is Amy your wife?

Uh, no, uh...

Oh.

You sure you're Archie's brother?

We're very good friends.

Does Daddy know that you and Amy are here?

No.

He'll be here any minute.

Oh, boy, is he gonna be surprised.

Honey, maybe we should go home and have corn flakes.

Uh-uh. I'm stayin' for this!

Hey, Uncle Alfred, would you and Amy like to stay for dinner?

Is that okay, Ma?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Edith, I'm home.

Listen, I ain't got much time, so get the dinner on, will ya?

I gotta get back to the saloon.

The kid called in sick again.

Oh, geez.

Archie, this is your brother.

Thanks for tellin' me, Edith.

Hey, Arch. Long time, no see, huh?

Long time, no care either.

Well, let's everybody sit down now. Come on.

Don't haul me. Don't haul me. Don't haul me!

Don't do that.

You wanna do somethin', go in and get a beer.

Oh, all right.

Oh, Gloria, come on and help me, please.

- Oh, not now, Ma. - No!

Ma, I wanna show Uncle Alfred my baby pictures.

You wanna see my baby pictures?

Yeah, maybe I should go help them, too.

No, you stay here.

- I thought that... - Sit down!

I'll sit down.

So?

Funny. All these years I've been thinkin' of things

I'd say to ya, and now the words don't come.

Probably just as well...

If there anything like the words I'm chokin' back.

So...

Fred, what kind of work do you do?

He's a professional troublemaker.

He's a left-wing union organizer.

You're kiddin' me.

I wish I was.

I can't believe it...

Archie Bunker's brother a commie pinko?

Ha, how do you like that?!

I don't like it!

I love it! I love it!

He wanted to see old pictures.

Stop talkin'. Here's a beer for you.

Here's your beer, Daddy.

Oh, leave it there.

Here's some Fritos for you.

Oh, my! Just look at this!

Ain't this interestin'?

Two brothers that started out

in life together exactly the same,

with ten little fingers and ten little toes and...

And where this is gonna end only a dingbat knows.

Oh, Daddy.

- Pinch him. - Okay.

Ow!

Ow!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Hold it, hold it, hold it! Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, all of ya's.

I started talkin' here.

So, uh, what finally happened to the old house on Woodside?

Oh, the last couple that rented it bought it.

Yeah, I know.

You could've told me you was sellin' it.

Archie, we couldn't have bought it.

That ain't the point, Edith.

I like to know what's happenin' to things

that should have been mine in the first place!

Yeah, you had a right.

It's just that I had to sell it fast.

I had to settle things with Dorothy there. I was just tellin'...

Yeah, I know. I know. I know.

Your wife left ya.

How did you know that?

I keep tabs!

I keep tabs is all.

I know his first wife left him.

And the second wife walked out on him, too!

This guy changes wives as often as I change my drawers.

I hope not.

I only changed twice in 11 years.

He changes wives... He means you change your underwear...

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, Gloria!

That ain't funny. That ain't funny.

Oh, I get it!

Come on, come on, let's cut out all the crapola, huh?

I mean, what's the point of all this, huh, Fred?

Why'd you come here?

Hey, Archie, look I just dropped by

to give you a couple things I thought you ought to have here.

First, look, here's a kind of a letter from me to you,

but I don't want you to open it right now.

- When the hell am I supposed to open it? - Later.

When later?

Three weeks.

You give me a letter I ain't supposed to open in three weeks.

Here, look it here. Here's...

It's Pop's old Hamilton.

It's from when he was a brakeman on the Long Island railroad there.

I, uh, found it among a bunch of stuff there, you know.

And I know you always liked it.

It doesn't keep good time anymore,

but, hey, the front still pops open there, you know.

Yeah.

Archie, Gloria and me thought it would be nice,

so we invited Fred and Amy to have dinner with us tonight.

Oh, Amy, huh?

Amy's the new wife, I guess.

Guess again.

I get it, one of them things, huh?

Well, ain't that lovely?

Well, Edith, as long as you invited the swingers to dinner here,

why don't you just invite them to spend the night upstairs, huh?

What a good idea!

Frank, we got a nice room...

What a good idea?! That ain't no good idea!

Hey, Arch, I don't need you. I can always find a bed.

Yeah, well, you always could. I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

- I'm goin' back to the saloon. - Oh, Archie, no! Please!

No, no, Edith. No, I'm sorry. I don't give a damn.

I ain't gonna have him press his way of life down on me.

That's what he done to the old man and put him in his grave.

And then he didn't show up to the funeral!

Archie, that ain't no way to talk to your brother.

What the hell brother are you talkin' about?!

I ain't had no brother for 29 years!

Nearly a quarter of a century, Edith.

And I think the split between us went back further than that.

Way further than that.

All the way back to the big cockroach derby.

The big cockroach derby?

Yes! Yes, yes, the great race.

And his roach won because, when my back was turned,

he poured Coca-Cola over my roach.

It was after you tried to set fire to mine!

Aw, go on. And when I kicked your butt,

you went crawlin' back and cryin' to Pop there

with a limp on ya, tellin' him I took an axe to ya.

I don't believe this. Two grown men still carryi" on a sibling rivalry?

Hey, hey, hey! He sibled more than me!

And the old man caught him twice

and blamed me for showin' him how to do it.

Oh, Archie, stop fightin'.

You're the same flesh and blood.

The two of ya came out of the same mother.

Oh, don't say "come out," would you?!

Geez, every time you talk about nature, you make my flesh crawl.

Stop readin' Redbook!

Well, the hell with all this. I'm goin'.

No, no, no! I'm goin'. That's all.

Hey, sorry I couldn't spend more time with ya, Fred, though.

But maybe sometime, you know, we'll have lunch together.

We'll have a big chat about the family.

I'll tell how beautiful things was before you was born.

Maybe 29 years from tomorrow, huh?

Let's make it at 12:30 sharp.

Ooh, geez!

I'll take three cards. I'm tryin' to fill a straight.

I'll play these.

Let's see, you've got at least a pair of aces.

How do you know?

Archie marked the cards.

Come on, get a new deck, will ya?

You bring 'em in, we'll use 'em.

Hey! Hi, Arch.

Oh, hi, Arch.

Hi, Hank.

Hiya, Harry.

Do me a favor, will ya?

Give me a double bourbon over at the table there. Sure.

What do you got there, a letter?

What's it look like? Who's it from?

It's an invitation to the White House.

Oh, you goin'?

No, I'm due at the ballet. They're doin' "Swoon Lake."

Then can I have your ticket to the White House?

Sprinkle a little bon ami in his beer, will ya?

Somethin' the matter, Arch?

No, no, it's just...

You ever heard of a bypass?

A bypass? Yeah, that's when a bus driver,

instead of stoppin' to pick you up, bypasses ya like this.

I'm talkin' about a corona-rary bypass.

Oh, a heart operation, like Kelsey had.

Yeah, people are gettin' 'em all the time now.

Who's havin' one?

Let me ask you somethin'.

What does the execute-er of a will do?

You mean the executor.

Whatever. What does he do?

Well, nothin' till somebody dies.

Say, Arch, are you feelin' all right?

Customer, fellas.

Customers, customers, customers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, come right in, sir. What's your pleasure?

Hey, Arch.

Look, I... I couldn't take off on a bad note like that.

Well, I shouldn't have blew my top.

Well, what the hell, you know how I am.

I guess I ain't changed much, huh?

I ain't changed much either.

Well, sit down a minute.

Did you read that letter?

The one you told me to hold for three weeks?

No.

Why? Is it important?

Nothin' that couldn't wait.

Look, Arch.

About Pop's funeral...

Oh, well, forget that. Forget that.

No, I want to tell ya about it.

What the hell could you tell me about it?

You wasn't there, was ya?

Where the hell was ya that day, huh?

What, were ya in bed with a blonde?

Could have been a blonde.

Main thing is I was drunk.

You was drunk?

Pop's layin' there dead, and you get drunk?

What, was you celebratin'?

I just didn't want to say good-bye.

To the blonde?

To Pop.

Poor Pop.

Yeah.

Poor Pop.

I drove him nuts!

Oh, you sure did.

But still in all,

boy, he'd give you everything you ever wanted.

Even at the end.

He gave you the house.

And he gave me the gate.

I don't know why, you know.

I... I always...

I always tried to stay out of trouble and everything, didn't I?

Sure.

I always did everything he wanted me to.

Absolutely.

I always believed everything he told me.

Without question.

Well, I mean, why did he always think I was a dope?

Who cares what he...

I want to tell you somethin'.

I want to tell you somethin' now...

that I never told to nobody.

Keep it down.

One night a long time ago, I heard him talkin', you know.

Pop was sayin' to Mama... that he only had enough money

to start one of us out in college, see?

And he said it had to be you.

'Cause you had it up here.

And if anybody had to go on workin',

it had to be me.

'Cause he said...

Now, he said this.

My own father said this.

He said if they put my brains in a bird,

the bird would fly backwards.

I'm gonna tell you somethin' I never told nobody before.

Now, for openers... you know I always looked up to you.

You looked up to a birdbrain?

I mean, I was... I was proud of you, Arch.

You know, Pop would... Pop would belt you.

You'd never cry.

Even when it was my fault, you'd never even snitch on me.

Then you'd go right out and protect me from tough guys down the block there.

I mean, you had guts!

I don't know... I don't know why Pop wasn't proud of you.

He should have been!

Wasn't until years later that I figured out

why it was that he gave me so much and you so little.

Why?

He was nuts!

Don't say a thing like that. Don't say Pop was nuts!

Pop was nuts about everything!

Everything!

Was he?

Remember what he said when you brought Edith home?

He said she was too smart for me.

Well, maybe in some ways Pop was a little nuts.

Yeah. I mean, look what you've made of yourself.

I mean, you got a business here of your own.

You got a beautiful family that loves ya.

And she's the greatest wife in the world.

And you got your self-respect.

Wow.

Still, I'm glad to have the old watch, too.

Yeah, yeah, don't... Don't go by it, though.

It loses a half-hour a day.

That's okay.

So do I.

Yeah.

I guess...

I guess why I came here, Arch, was...

Well, it was to say that I'm sorry

for what happened between us.

Well...

I'm sorry...

for knockin' out your tooth when you was nine years old.

Yeah.

Hey, I'll see ya, Arch, huh?

Well, uh, yeah, well, wait a minute.

Uh, wait a second.

Uh...

Yeah, yeah, I'll see ya around.

Hey, uh, remember,

29 years from tomorrow, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the lunch.

12:30 sharp, huh?

Well, uh, hey, Fred.

What the hell. Couldn't we say three weeks from tomorrow?

You know, after I read the letter.

Yeah, why not?

All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0