Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

Ma?

Ma!

Oh, Gloria.

Oh, my! I didn't hear you come in.

Oh, Ma, I bought you something.

You bought me something?

Yeah, close your eyes.

Okay, now hold out your hands.

Oh, Gloria, you shouldn't have done it.

I didn't do it yet.

Here, open your eyes.

Oh! What a beautiful box.

And the ribbon is so pretty.

Oh, thank you, Gloria.

Ma, the gift's on the inside.

Come on, sit down, open it up.

Oh, my. It's just a little somethin' from me and Michael

to say thank you for all the hours you spent

babysittin' and helpin' out,

and mainly just for you bein' you.

Oh, Gloria.

I hope you didn't spend too much money on me bein' me.

Oh, Gloria!

How beautiful!

Ma, wait till you see here.

Looky, looky.

It's a pant suit.

Yeah!

Gloria.

I love the color and I... I love the material

and I love you.

And you got to take it back to the store.

Why?

It ain't that I don't appreciate it...

But there's so many other things you need more.

I know, but I'm not takin' it back, Ma.

You look lovely in pants.

You're tall and you got just the figure for 'em.

But I ain't got the husband for 'em.

You know how Archie feels about women in pants.

I know. The same way he feels about men in dresses.

But, Ma, he'll get used to it.

And you'll look terrific in 'em.

But where would I wear 'em?

Out, Ma.

Oh, out. Where out?

We don't go no place.

That's just the point. Don't you miss going out?

Well, sure I do.

Before we was married, Archie always took me out.

Every Tuesday night, he took me to the movies.

See, we knew we was gettin' married

so we always picked Tuesday night

'cause that was the night they gave away dishes.

Of course, as soon as we got four of everything,

plus a gravy boat, Archie stopped taking me out.

Speaking of gravy, I better get dinner started.

No, Ma, you're not cooking tonight

'cause Michael and I got a babysitter,

and we've made plans to go out to dinner,

and we want you and Daddy to go with us and be our guests.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

But it's Saturday night

and Archie don't like to go no place,

especially Saturday night.

Well, what night does he like to go someplace?

No night. He's scared of New York.

Well, that's the pits.

Ma, don't you wanna go out and have fun,

be on the town, be where the action is,

have a big dinner in a fancy restaurant

and then boogie all night?

Oh, my.

I'd love to boogie all night.

Oh, I'm so sick and tired of sittin' in there

and watchin' TV.

Well, then, that does it. That settles it.

You're going out. Oh, and Daddy will love it

'cause he won't have to pay for a thing.

Okay, Ma. Come on, come on.

You're gonna try on your new outfit.

And if it fits you,

you're gonna wear it out to dinner tonight.

Oh! Why, Archie wouldn't let me

go out to dinner in pants.

Oh, he'll love it, Ma.

You'll look just like Katharine Hepburn in it.

Isn't that Daddy's favorite? Katharine Hepburn?

No. John Wayne.

Hi, Edith. I'm home and I'm hungry.

Go on, now. Surprise him. Go on.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi! Hi, there, little girl. How are you?

I'm fine. Where's Joey?

Oh, I dropped him off over at your house.

Oh, gee. You should've heard how he cried

when I turned him over to the Meathead.

Oh, well, did you have a good time in the park?

That park is a disgrace.

The only person in that park

who was drinkin' out of a bottle that wasn't in a brown paper bag

was little Joey.

Where's your mother? I'm hungry.

Oh, she's upstairs. She'll be down in a minute.

Hey, Edith, there!

I'll be down in a minute!

See? Uh, Daddy, can I talk to you about something?

Certainly, little girl. What?

Well, ever since Michael and I moved out of the house,

you and Ma have been spendin' a lot of evenings alone.

Yeah, I know. It's terrific.

Present company suspected.

Well, Ma looks bored.

What are you talkin' about, bored? She ain't bored, there.

That look, there, that she's got is the normal look

of anybody whose mind is in neutral.

But you and Ma need to get out of the house.

Get out of the house? What the hell for?

I wouldn't budge out of the house.

What, with all the terrific stuff you got on television these days here?

Look, what do you got?

You got The Six Thousand Dollar Man, there.

You got The Bicentonical Woman, there.

Anybody who's gonna be bored with dramas like that, there,

there's somethin' wrong with them.

Is everybody ready?

Yeah, where's dinner, Edith, huh?

Close your eyes.

I can't eat dinner with my eyes closed.

It's a surprise!

I hate surprises, Edith.

Okay, Ma. I got 'em covered.

Aw, jeez. Come on, down.

Here I come.

Oh, Ma!

Yummy.

What is it? A lemon meringe pie?

No, Archie, now, don't get mad.

All right, you can look now.

Well?

Cover my eyes again.

That hurt!

Archie, you don't like it?

Now, listen youse two. I know what you're up to.

If you expected me to holler

just because I see you here in pants,

you're all wrong, 'cause that was a long time ago.

And since then youse women have come a long way, baby.

You like it!

No.

But if you wanna wear pants, that don't offend me,

as long as you can throw an apron around 'em

and get dinner on.

Now, get out of my way.

Let me get to my chair here.

Archie, Gloria got a babysitter

and she asked you and me to go out to dinner tonight

with her and Mike.

To going out.

Daddy, that way then Ma doesn't have to cook.

Will you stop? You're hurtin' me there.

Archie, we ought to get out.

I like to get out just to see new faces.

Oh, come on. The hell with new faces!

Jeez, I go to work in the mornin',

come home at night, I'm out all day.

I see all the new faces I want to see.

That's right. But Ma doesn't.

Oh, you think she wants to see the faces that I see all day long, huh?

You want to see them? Come out with me.

I'll take you down the subway there.

I'll show you some faces. You'll look all around you there.

All right, over there.

There's a pimple-face sucking on a cold pizza.

And he's burpin' sausage gas.

There's another face over there.

Laughin' to beat the band,

then talkin' a mile a minute to itself.

There's another face over there.

Drizzlin' and droolin' and gettin' ready to throw up on your shoe.

And the faces that ain't doin' nothin' disgustin',

they look like they're plannin' to murder you.

You want that? You like that?

Oh, Archie, I don't want to go for a ride on the subway.

I just want to go out.

Sometimes I want to get out of the house so bad,

I could scream.

You want to scream? Step out on the back porch,

cut loose with a scream and come back and make dinner.

Daddy, Ma needs to get out!

Aw, jeez! What is this doing here?

Get that out of there.

Not that way!

Hi, folks.

The babysitter arrived.

Everybody ready to go out for dinner?

Wait just a second!

Oh! Oh!

Am I standing in Edith Bunker's house?

Oh, yes.

Because for a second I thought I made a wrong turn

and walked right into Raquel Welch's house,

if you know what I'm saying, Ma.

Let me take a look and see.

Hey, va-va-va and voom!

Va-va-va and shut up!

Don't be making trouble around here

'cause Raquel Walsh ain't goin' no place tonight.

But, Daddy, Ma wants to go out.

She wants to go where the action is.

Gloria, I'm goin' to smack your behind!

Daddy, Ma needs to feel wanted.

She is wanted. I want her.

And I want her right here.

Yeah. You want her here for what?

To wait on you.

You know, taking her out is a sign of affection.

She is your wife, not your slave.

Keep her away from me!

Daddy, when is the last time you said to Ma, "I love you."

None of your damn business.

And I don't want to talk to you no more.

Michael and I say it to each other all the time.

Yeah, it's easy. Arch, look.

Gloria, I love you.

Michael, I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Why don't the two of youse leap hand in hand

into the middle of Lake Polack?

That's it! Let's get out of here!

Come on, Gloria. Let's go.

Nobody's leavin' this house.

You see anybody leavin' this house tonight,

you'll know the house is on fire.

Oh, Ma. If he won't take you out, you come with us.

Oh, now it wouldn't be much fun without Archie.

Yeah, it would.

Get out of here, you!

All right. Goodbye.

Oh, Ma, you look beautiful. And... To you.

Where does she get that awful habit?

Oh, Archie.

Let's go out on the town.

Let's go to a restaurant, please.

No, no, no!

Oh, be nice.

I'm always nice. What are you saying?

Sit down here. Let me talk to you, here, Edith.

Didn't I just mention to you the weirdos and freakos

and the creepos I see in the subway everyday there?

At night they all come out of the subway

and they're hooverin' around every corner there.

It's their fault that sports like me,

guys willing to spend a little coin,

don't go out at night.

But, Archie, you go out a couple of nights a week.

You go to Kelcy's.

That's a whole other thing, Edith.

It's a neighborhood joint a couple of blocks away.

I just go down there to have a couple of beers and talk with the guys.

Well, maybe I'd like to go out someplace once in a while

and have a beer and talk.

With the guys?

No, with you.

Let's go down to Kelcy's now, Archie, together.

Edith, you would hate that.

Well, then, let's go to a restaurant.

I would hate that.

I'll go anyplace you want to.

Archie, come on. Tell me.

Where would you like to take me?

Well, I would like to take you out to the kitchen

and introduce you to some pots and pans.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, I see.

You don't want to take me with you when you go out

'cause you wanna get away from me. Is that right?

Oh, Edith, jeez!

Ain't that the truth? Edith!

It's the truth, ain't it, Archie?

Edith, all right. You want the truth? I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is that's the truth.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Well, now, Edith, I said sometimes.

I said, sometimes, there.

Don't go fallin' apart on me, will you?

We're married 27 years, there.

Don't mess around with a perfect marriage.

Where are you goin'?

I'm goin' out.

Edith, what are you talkin' about?

Where are you goin' alone?

See, Archie,

I got to get away from you tonight.

Edith, Edith, Edith!

I asked you where you was goin'?

Where are you goin'?

I'm goin' where the action is.

Can I help you, lady?

Right here, dear.

Where is Mr. Kelsey?

Oh, he went to the mountains for the weekend.

Go ahead, sit down.

Here you go.

Well, name it.

Name what?

What'll you have?

Oh!

Um, ginger ale. No, wait a minute.

Maybe, I'll have something stronger.

7Up?

No. Sherry.

I hope you ain't drivin'.

Oh, I ain't.

Hi.

Care for someone to talk to?

No, thank you.

Why not?

I'm married.

Well, so am I. That's why I'm looking for someone to talk to.

Well, I, uh, I hope you find someone.

Uh, that will be 70 cents.

Put it on my tab, Harry.

Oh, no. Thank you. I'll tab it.

You live around here?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Whereabouts?

Um, oh, I ain't sure.

Come in here often?

Um, I can't remember.

Wait.

You forgot your drink.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, honey, honey.

Come on, get away from those clowns. Come over here.

Oh!

Be my guest.

Thank you. Are you alone?

Well, at the moment.

But I'll have to ask you to leave if Paul Newman comes in.

Oh, Paul Newman would never come in here.

After a few of these,

they all look like Paul Newman.

Well, thanks for asking me to sit down.

That man at the bar wanted to buy me a drink.

Joe Foley?

You know him?

Oh, sure.

He's a nice guy.

He is?

Sure. He'll get you through the night.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Relax, honey. Have a little fun.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Oh, my.

Yeah, my name is Marge.

Oh, how do you do? My name is Edith.

Hi, Edith.

Oh, it's so nice to have somebody to talk to.

Oh, I know.

You and your old man had a little fight, right?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Only it was a big one.

And you came in to booze?

Oh, no, I never booze.

Cruise?

Oh, no.

The last time I cruised was on the Hudson River Dayliner.

That's funny.

No, I just decided that I needed to get away

from my husband for a little while.

Hi, Marge. Hi, Joe.

Buy you gals a drink?

Oh, no. Sure, pull up a chair.

Give us another round, Harry.

Joe Foley, this is Edith... What?

Uh, that's right. Edith What.

How do you do?

Say, I hope I didn't offend you back at the bar before.

Oh, no.

Now, listen, if you think I'm gettin' out of line or anything,

you just tell me and I'll leave.

If you don't get out of line, I'll leave.

Why don't we all get out of line and leave together?

Oh, Joe, you're dirty.

You used to like it, Marge.

Here you are, folks.

Oh, thank you.

Here you are.

Why don't we have a toast?

Okay. Here's one for you.

Here's to the very best years of my life,

spent in the arms of another man's wife.

My mother.

Oh, excuse me, you two,

but I think my Paul Newman just came in.

Oh, are you coming back?

Yeah, I'm just gonna be a holler away.

Oh.

Uh... Hey, I hope... I guess you...

Go ahead. Go ahead. No, you, you.

Well, you speak first.

Well, okay.

I hope you don't think I'm gonna make a pass at you or anything,

not that I wouldn't like to, you know,

but I won't.

Oh, thank you.

You know, Edith, you're very attractive.

Oh!

Hey, you're blushing.

Yeah, I can feel it.

Ain't you used to gettin' compliments?

Oh...

No.

? Happy anniversary to you

Maybe it's for the Mitchells, over there. Oh, yeah.

? Happy anniversary to you

? Happy anniversary, dear Mitchells

? Happy anniversary to you ?

Go on, blow it out, make a wish.

Come on, you love birds, get up and dance.

? Oh, how we danced

? On the night we were wed

? We danced and we danced

? 'Cause the room had no bed ?

Can anybody here play the piano?

Oh, I can.

Hey, we got a piano player here.

Come on, Edith. Play it.

Be a sport. Give us a couple of tunes.

I wonder what they want to hear.

What have we got here?

Hey, here's one for the anniversary couple.

Time Goes By. Here you go.

This is a good one

'cause it don't have too many black notes.

? You must remember this

? A kiss is still a kiss

? A sigh is just a sigh

? The fundamental things apply

? As time goes by ? And when two lovers woo

? They still say, "I love you"

Hey, Harry, Kelsey's still up in the mountains, eh?

Yeah. What will you have, Arch?

Give me a beer. Who's playing the piano?

Some broad.

She's playing with a catcher's mitt on.

? Moonlight and love songs

? Never out of date

? Hearts full of passion

? Jealousy and hate ? Woman needs man

? And man must have his mate

? That no one can deny

? It's still the same old story

? A fight for love and glory

? A case of do or die

? The world will always welcome lovers Oh!

? As time goes by ?

Play it again, Edith.

Oh, no, no.

I got to get home. My husband'll worry about me.

Hey, wait a minute.

You can't leave now. You're the life of the party.

Really? Me?

Well, sure. You. You're terrific.

I think I'll stay.

"I think I'll stay."

Oh, Archie!

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Aw, jeez, I'll bet you are.

Is this a friend of yours, Arch?

Just my wife, Joe.

Oh, yeah?

You know each other?

Everybody knows Foley the Philanderer.

Oh!

I'll see you later.

Archie, I want you to meet another friend of mine.

Excuse me. Marge, this is my husband.

Archie is your husband?

You know him?

Oh, yeah. No!

Oh!

You don't remember that long conversation we had?

No. How do you remember the long conversation we had?

Because it was so dumb.

Uh, would you excuse us for just a minute there?

Sure, sure.

I wanna talk to my wife here. Come here, come here.

What are you doin' in here?

A wife ain't supposed to be makin' free in a saloon.

I ain't makin' nothin'.

I'm makin' friends.

Well, you've finished makin' friends.

Now, you're comin' home with me.

Oh, no, Archie. I ain't goin' home.

I like it here.

And Joe says I'm the life of the party.

This party don't deserve to live.

Come on. Here's your bag and here's your coat.

No. No, I ain't goin', Archie.

Edith, Edith, Edith, listen, listen, I can't drag you out of here.

I'll tell you what.

You didn't eat nothin' and I didn't eat nothin', see?

So why don't the two of us just duck out of here,

we'll go over to Tony's Little Naples

and we'll have dinner there.

We'll have a big bowl of spaghetti

and a plate of that veal scalopipi.

You mean the place that's got

all them old wine bottles hangin' from the ceiling?

They got rid of all that junk now

and they got them classy, smoky mirrors up there, Edith.

Oh, Archie, I'd love that.

Okay, all right. Now, say goodbye to everybody

and let's get the hell out of here.

Goodbye! Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hey, Archie, you got a great little missus there.

Edith, you're terrific, no kiddin'.

See you next Saturday?

Yeah. No, no! Wait a minute there.

No, not those guys there. Joe...

Next Saturday night, no,

because, uh, I'm, uh, I'm gonna take the missus out

first to dinner, then to a basketball game.

Oh, Archie, really?

If I can work it out, Edith, there.

Oh! Thanks, everybody.

But Archie says next Saturday night he's takin' me out

to dinner and a basketball game.

If I can work it out, Edith. Come on.

Oh, just a minute.

If for any reason Archie can't work it out,

I'll be back!

All in the Family was recorded on tape

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