Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

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? Button up your overcoat

? When the wind is free

? Take good care of yourself

? You belong to me ?

Iodine, iodine. Get me the iodine.

What do you want the iodine for?

I suddenly got thirsty. What the hell do you think I want it for?

I cut my thumb here, hittin' that damn furnace downstairs.

Aw, why did you hit the furnace?

To make it go. That's the way you make things go.

Whether it's a horse, or a furnace, or a TV, or a fresh kid, you hit it.

Hold up the finger.

All right, all right. Oh, God.

Why, I didn't even put nothin' on it.

Hurry up and put it on. Don't have me wastin' a groan over here.

God, why do they make that stuff sting so?

Here we are.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna put this Band-Aid on it.

All right, go ahead, but take it easy here, will you?

Oh, look at this.

You got your bag all packed to go spend the night next door, huh?

Well, listen, I ain't gonna go with you.

I ain't gonna spend a night under that Meathead's roof,

and I don't care how cold it gets

or whether the furnace repair man ever shows up here.

And after what that guy said to me

and all I done was take that little baby out and get him baptized and Christianized,

and for that, that Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.

Ouch!

You're supposed to bandage it, not lynch it.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Why don't you get ready and come over there with me now?

No!

You'll have to come over sooner or later, No, no, no.

'cause Uncle Weatherbee says on the news

it's gonna be the coldest weekend of the year.

And Mike and Gloria want us to come.

I don't want that man in this house!

But the minister said it wasn't a real baptism.

Gloria, that is not the point!

The point is the man does not respect my feelings.

Why can't they go to a motel?

Would you send your parents to a motel?

If one of them were Archie, yes.

Michael, I'm not gonna send my parents to a motel

when we have room for them upstairs.

And if we don't let them come here, where are they gonna sleep?

The only warm place in their house is in the kitchen,

and they can't sleep in the kitchen.

What the hell's the matter with the kitchen?

We could make up the bed right here.

What bed?

All right, I mean, I'll make up the floor.

Archie.

You're gonna sleep here

when Mike and Gloria have a nice comfortable room for us?

Edith, look out, look out. You're blockin' the heat from the stove.

I ain't gonna go near that Meathead.

Oh, he'll stay out of your way.

Oh, listen, she ain't much better over there.

Always criticizing me for everything,

calling me a dope because I put ketchup on things.

Turnin' up her nose at me because I burp in front of her.

She ought to be damn glad that's all I do in front of her.

I'm gonna stay over here in my own house,

even if I'm cold, I don't care.

I don't have to be polite here.

Archie, the floor is too cold and hard.

I don't care. I'll keep the stove burnin' here.

Well, that's a waste of energy.

We shouldn't have it on now.

President Ford says we shouldn't use the stove for heat.

President Ford said that about this here stove?

Well, that's what he meant.

Well, to keep President Ford happy,

I'll cook a chicken while I'm sleepin'.

And I'll tell you somethin' else.

I'm votin' for Reagan anyhow.

Here's your tea.

I guess we're gonna sleep in separate beds tonight

'cause it's freezin' here. I ain't stayin'.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You know, a thought just hit me.

We don't have to sleep in no separate beds, sweetheart.

Listen, you know what we could do, the two of us?

We could go over there and register in that brand-new beautiful, luxurious hotel.

The Airport Inn. Huh?

Oh, that's so expensive.

When did I ever worry about that, Edith?

Come on. It'll be so nice.

Can't you think of us layin' all night

in one of 'em beautiful king-size beds there,

with the patented magic fingers...

Oh, stop it.

Yeah, it'll be nice there.

We'll watch all the airplanes take off for the faraway places,

Hawaii, Miami. Huh?

You know, second honeymoon.

Only this time, we'll know what we're doin', huh?

Oh, Archie, with our own daughter livin' next door,

it would be insultin' her to go to a hotel.

Just let me remind you of somethin', huh?

I'm gonna quote the Bible here to you, Edith.

The Bible says as follows,

"Wheresoever a husband goeth,

"his wife shall sticketh with it him."

The Bible don't say nothin' about the airport hotel.

Aw, come on.

Come on, Archie, it's freezin' in here. No, I ain't gonna do it.

Do you mean to say that you passed up a night over there to go...

I'll see you over there in a few minutes. Oh, come on, Edith.

I ain't goin'. I'm goin' to over to that Airport Inn.

And do you mean to say that you'd leave me go over

to that swingin' joint all by myself, Edith?

Edith, there's whoopee and high jinks

the whole night long over there.

There's a lot of beautiful stewardesses over there, Edith.

They really move their tails for a guy.

I slept on the cold ground in Fiuggi, Italy, I can sleep here.

I'll just make the bed right on the floor.

All right with me.

Uh-oh, Kenny, the cockroach.

Aw, jeez!

Hell with it. I ain't gonna sleep with youse guys.

Here, see this, here.

Why me, Lord? You got an atheist next door.

Hello.

Oh, Archie, there you are. I'm glad you ain't left.

I left a while ago. This is a recording.

Oh.

Well, Archie, please come on over.

Mike wants you to, don't you, Mike?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on over.

There, see, you hear that? He'd love to have you.

I didn't say "love."

Ah, love, love. I'd love to have you.

Oh, Michael, come on upstairs with me.

I don't want that man here.

See, love, love.

There ain't no point in holdin' grudges, huh?

You know what my Aunt Ida used to say about family quarrelin'?

Don't tell me.

She said that they was like a hole in your sock.

She tells me anyway.

If you don't patch 'em up, they get bigger and bigger

and pretty soon you got more hole than sock.

And remember my Uncle Norton?

Well, once he had a terrible fight with Cousin Hattie

over her mother's prized possession.

You know, the prized collection of souvenir spoons?

Well, when her mother died from the heart attack she got on the loop-the-loop,

Uncle Norton, he said that the souvenir spoons belonged to him,

but Hattie said no, they was hers.

She went on and sold them.

And that made Uncle Norton so mad

he said he wouldn't come to her wedding, and he didn't.

And then she said she wouldn't come to his funeral and she didn't.

O-Of course it didn't matter, 'cause he was dead.

Archie, are you there?

Yeah, keep talkin', Edith.

You sound so far away.

I'm weak, that's all.

Well, anyway, on account of this,

the whole family started fightin',

except Uncle Norton's brother, Percy,

the one who got his picture taken with Wendell Wilkie.

Well, he decided to bring the whole family together at a picnic at Asbury Park.

But during the three-legged race,

Aunt Bessie's daughter, Alice,

broke one of her legs in a hole in the sand

and Aunt Bessie said that little Willie dug that hole just for spite.

And ever since then nobody ever came to the family reunions,

and that's why they don't have 'em no more.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Yeah, and nobody remembers what started the fight in the first place.

What a bunch of dopes they all were.

Archie, I was just talkin' to you on the phone.

Well, say goodbye to me and hang up.

Good... Oh.

Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you came over.

I only done it for you

so you wouldn't have to sleep alone tonight. Aw.

Now, listen, Edith. Edith, I wanna tell you something.

When we get back to our own house,

you might notice in the kitchen

that there's one or two things out of place.

Honey, he's gonna be walking soon. I was watching...

He's not old enough. Oh, hi, Daddy.

Look who's here. Look who's here, honey.

Yeah, I'm thrilled. I want a cup of coffee, huh?

Yeah, I'll make you some coffee. Sit down. I'll help you.

And a hunk of pie, huh?

Oh, no, no pie. You gotta watch your diet.

D-D-Diet.

Well, sit down.

Not in my chair.

Well, I can see this is gonna be one hell of a weekend.

The man is driving me crazy!

For the last two days, every time I walk into the living room,

he is sittin' in my chair.

When I go up into the bedroom, he is sleepin' in my bed.

The next thing you know, he'll be eatin' your porridge.

You think that's funny, don't you, Gloria? Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, Michael, just be patient with him.

I just wanna say one thing more about your father. What?

Did that make you feel better?

No, I gave myself a headache.

Oh, I'm sorry, Michael. That's all right, Ma.

Let me help you. No, no. I can do it, Ma. It's all right.

Go this way, Ma, go this way.

Oh, somethin' smells delicious.

Yeah, it's beef stroganoff.

My, that looks wonderful.

Archie'll never eat it.

Ma, I've been workin' on it all afternoon.

Why, the sauce is made with wine and 10 different seasonings.

We'll put ketchup on Archie's and he'll think it's beef stew.

Ma, Daddy used the last of the ketchup this morning on his soft-boiled eggs.

Yuck.

Even if I had any ketchup,

I wouldn't wanna use it on my beef stroganoff.

Hey, Meathead. Hey, Meathead.

Look what I was just readin' in the can up there.

The wrestlin' matches is on here.

Wait, wait a second. Wait, w-what are you doin'?

That was Beethoven.

No, it's just a lot of guys with a big band.

Don't you want to see the wrestlin' matches?

They got the Korean midgets on.

Korean midgets? You wanna watch midgets?

Arch, Beethoven, one of the great genius...

What am I doin'? What am...

I'm arguing culture with a man who buys a wallet

and keeps the picture of Fay Wray in it.

If she was good enough for King Kong, she's good enough for me.

All right, all right, do whatever you want.

Watch the midgets. I don't care.

Watch it with me. What are you sore about?

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right, Ma. It cleared up my sinuses.

Oh.

Go this way, Ma, this way, this way.

What did Daddy do now?

He turned off Beethoven and turned on the midgets.

Hey, you're missin' all the fun there, Meathead.

A whole team of midgets just run up and bit the referee on the butt.

I can't take it. I can't take it.

Oh! Oh! Look what they're doin' now.

There's a fag midget in there.

Here, I got an idea.

Why don't you go up and give Joey his bottle

and then he won't disturb us during dinner.

Boy, what they're doin' in here.

You should've seen here.

One midget just blinded the other one.

And then this guy throws him out

between the referee's legs right under the ropes

and into the lap of a fat lady in the first row.

Hey, look at this, look at this, this...

You're right, Arch.

Who would wanna listen to Beethoven

when you can watch one midget tear another midget's pants off.

That's right.

Archie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ma, we gotta stop meetin' this way.

I know, this way.

Right.

What are you watching? I'm watching wrestlin'. It's all over.

A fat lady ran out of the arena with one of the midgets.

Listen, listen. I gotta tell you something.

I can't stand that bed they put us in... Shh!

I can't stand that bed they put us in.

I-It's only for one more night.

I know, but it makes so much noise with the squeak,

and every time you take a breath,

the kids'll think we're doin' somethin'.

But we ain't.

You had your chance with the Airport Inn.

Dinner's ready. Michael, dinner!

I'll get yours, Archie.

I'm really starving. Oh, it looks great, honey.

Oh, it looks so good.

Archie, here you go.

Now, wait a minute. Oh, wait a minute. What do you call this?

Can anybody over there tell me what this is?

It's beef stroganoff.

Yeah, haven't you ever had that before?

Looks like I had it an hour ago.

Daddy, try it.

You'll like it.

I can't eat nothin' like this.

Archie, you're hurtin' Gloria's feelings.

I am sorry, little girl, but I cannot eat creamed meat.

Creamed meat gives me gas.

Life gives you gas.

What is that she's sayin' over there?

You'd think we're only here a couple of nights

that she could cook somethin' I can eat.

Your problem is you're too stubborn to try anything new.

Why should I? When he was livin' at my house,

I never forced him to try nothin' new.

That's 'cause Michael eats everything.

Oh, you're telling me. I got the grocery bills to prove it.

Archie, please.

Why... Why? You callin' me a moocher again?

I'm just sayin' that you eat like a government mule.

You said you had to pay for it all, that means I'm a moocher.

You said it, buddy, not me. I don't need this, I don't need this.

Michael. Daddy, I think you owe Michael an apology.

Well, what does he owe me

for five years of bread and broad?

Oh, Archie, please. Let's not argue. Let's watch TV.

No, no. No, no, Ma, that's all right. That's all right.

How much do I owe you?

Let's get this thing straightened once and for all.

How much you figure I owe you?

What, you think I'm the kind of guy who keeps records?

I did. I figure it's $2,600.

$3,840.

I thought you said you don't keep records.

I was testing you there to see how honest you was,

and you flunked the test with flying colors.

$2,600.

You spilled more than that on your shirt.

How do you figure $3,840?

Because I figure a better way than you.

You leave out a whole lot of stuff and some important stuff, too.

Like for instance, that big appendicitis operation you had.

Who the hell you think paid for that? The tooth fairy?

Daddy, when Michael went to the hospital,

I distinctly remember you saying you would pay for his operation.

Only if he didn't live.

Where did she get that awful habit?

All right, Arch. All right, Arch.

You say I owe you $3,840, I will pay you the $3,840!

The appendix operation and all.

But I will never, never forgive you for kidnapping my son,

takin' him down to that church and havin' him baptized! That's it, that's it.

Never, never, never! I done the right thing, Meathead.

Yeah? What are you talking about? What, you're leaving?

Goodbye, goodbye, good luck.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Ma!

Gloria, what happened?

What's the matter? Nothing. It's a temporarial blowout here.

All the houses on the block are dark.

Well, I don't like it when it's this dark.

It's all right, honey, don't worry.

Here, come on over here, sit down.

Wait, I got some candles. Light the candles.

Anybody got a match? Yeah, I got a match here.

My mother always used to say,

"Where was Moses when the lights went out?"

In the dark.

Oh, you know it.

Oh, there, that's better.

There you are.

Oh, maybe I should go up and take a look at Joey.

No, don't leave me alone, Ma.

He's all... He's all right, Ma. He's not cryin'.

This is so weird.

Nobody ever explains these blackouts.

That's right.

Nobody ever explains blackouts.

You know, it's a very funny thing

that nobody ever explains these, here, blackouts.

You know, it's... it's weird.

It's like... It's like we've been invaded

by strange creatures not of this Earth.

Michael, don't do that.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

You're giving everybody pimples over here.

I know. Let's sing. Yeah.

? I've been workin' on the railroad ?

Stop, stop, cut.

I told you never try and sing a song

unless you know the lyrics as well as the words.

Let's sing something else we all know. I... I... I got one.

? Over hill, over dale, we will hit the... ?

I don't wanna sing an army song. Why not?

It's about war.

What's the matter with war? It's a national tradition.

Oh, I know.

? Down by the old mill stream

Don't let her sing it alone. Get into it, will you?

? When I first met you

? With your eyes so blue

? Dressed in gingham, too

? It was there I knew

? That you loved me true ? You were sixteen

? You were sixteen ? My village queen

? My village queen ? Down by the old

? Mill stream ?

Hey, you done good over there, Edith.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ain't it peaceful? Yeah.

It is.

When something like this happens and everything goes dead,

we all forget what we're fightin' about.

That's right.

Maybe that's what the world needs every once in a while.

A power failure.

We could use a dingbat failure, too.

Here we are. All over. All right.

Oh, jeez. Look what he done.

He blew the hot wax all over the pants.

I'm sorry, Arch, I didn't... What a Polack way to blow out a candle.

Oh, there he goes again, startin' in. That was hot wax.

With the Polish jokes, huh? You don't...

I need water, yes.

Water? Don't get him any water.

He'll start baptizin' everybody.

How dare you take... Ma!

How dare you take my son down without my...

How dare you say anything to me about what I done...

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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