Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

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Yoohoo.

Don't holler. Please.

Hiya.

I need a four-letter word for a small insect.

Uh, flea?

Yeah, that's it. F-L-E-E.

Oh, good.

I see people have been droppin' by their old clothes

for the church charity draw.

Yeah, and I've been jumpin' out of my chair here

answerin' the door.

What are you gonna do with all of that stuff?

Are you promotin' a fashion show for winos?

These are good clothes.

Look at this sweater.

Oh, my, somebody could use that.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Looks pretty good. Yeah. Don't put it back.

Don't put it back.

Let me take a look at that thing there.

Wait a minute. There are no holes in that.

That looks to be my size there, too.

Hold it up for me. Let me try that on.

No. These are for the poor.

Well, who am I? Paul K. Getty?

Look, Archie, I'm in charge of these clothes.

The truck is gonna pick 'em up.

Why was you in church so long, anyway, huh?

Listen, let me tell you somethin' about prayin',

you know, you can pray so much to God,

then it stops being prayin' and becomes naggin'.

Oh, well, I... I stayed after the service

for the Henderson baptism.

Oh, you should have seen that little baby.

He was so cute with his little lace cap.

Listen, that reminds me there, Edith,

what about our own grandson, huh?

When is he gonna get the other end of him sprinkled?

Yeah. I've been thinkin' about that.

Oh, but the way Mike feels about religion,

I don't think Joey'll ever get baptized.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're babysittin' with him today,

ain't we? Mmm-hmm.

All right, when them two get out of here,

why don't we just get the baby,

waltz him down to the church...

Oh, no, Archie.

Why not?

Why, Mike and Gloria wouldn't like it.

They don't have to know anything about it.

We take the baby out in his carriage,

right down the block, make a right turn to Catawba Street,

down the little street that goes to the church there,

get inside the alley,

go right into the baptistery there.

We get the minister come in, sprinkle him,

right back the same way, back in the house here.

He'll be right where he was when they left him,

they'll never be the wiser, it's the perfect crime.

Oh, no.

Oh, we... we can't do that 'cause Joey ain't our child.

What are you talkin' about?

He's more our child than he is the Meathead's.

He's got half of Gloria's blood, ain't he?

Well, yeah, but he's got half of Mike's blood, too.

But Gloria's blood's got half of your blood

and half of my blood.

So there's three halves of Bunker blood

against one half of Meathead's blood

and we outvote him three to one for baptism.

Well, what about Mike's parents' blood?

What blood? They're dead.

Oh, no. I don't think it's right.

We can't do that without Mike and Gloria's permission.

To hell with permission.

Jeez!

Permission. Permission.

That's one of the things wrong with the world today.

There's too much permission.

Let me tell you something.

When the missionaries went into the darkest Africa

to bring God to the natives,

you think they asked their permission?

Like hell, they dragged them out of the trees

and right down to the river.

And they held them under there until they seen the light.

And the natives was glad about that

because that's the way they found God.

And then later on, when they was chained

in the bottom of the slave ships, why,

they was happy because they had somebody to pray to there, see?

Which proves that for everybody's own good

you gotta use force, that's the Christian way.

Oh, Archie, I never learned that in Church.

They don't know nothin' in that church of yours except bingo.

Hi. Hi, Ma. Oh, hi.

Joey's asleep, but I'm gonna leave him out here

on the porch for a while so he can get some fresh air.

'Cause he hasn't been outside enough yet today.

Here, right here, under the window.

Oh, look at him, you sweet little baby. Let me see.

Here's some clothes for the church, Ma.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, why ain't he got no hair yet?

That ain't an answer.

Shh, don't... Don't... don't argue.

We'll leave him here in the sunshine

where it's warm and we can watch him through the window.

Yeah. See that, Joey, I'm gonna leave the window

wide open here so I can look at you.

Oh!

Archie.

Don't touch it, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Did you pick out some of your old clothes

to give to the church?

No, no.

Why not, Daddy? Don't you wanna help the poor?

To hell with the poor, my head hurts.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Well, my clothes are too good to give to the poor anyway.

Gee, they'd look rich in my stuff.

Oh. I don't think so.

I can find plenty of your clothes the poor will look poor in.

Don't go rootin' through my stuff up there, will you?

Little girl, where you going? Come here. Come here.

Just sit down here a minute, will you, 'cause I wanna talk to you.

Oh, what about?

Well, you, you know how religious a woman your mother is.

She goes to church every Sunday.

She prays even in the middle of the week

when God ain't listenin'.

So?

Ever since she's come home from church today,

she's been buggin' me to get the baby baptized.

Oh, Daddy, it's not Ma that wants Joey baptized, it's you.

Well, sure, me, too.

After all, I'm a Christian, too.

You, you never even go to church.

You don't do much of anything to prove you're a Christian.

What the hell you want me to do, get eaten by a lion?

Listen, little girl.

Every kid needs to be something

and everybody's got to know what he is.

That way at least his own kind won't throw rocks at him.

And if he's nothin', they'll all throw rocks at him.

And I know, I threw many a rock in my day.

You used to throw rocks at kids

and you call yourself religious?

Now, well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Throwin' rocks is what you call

an age-old religious custom, there,

for bringin' people around.

All your ancient people they threw rocks

until they got axes and spears

and later on guns, to do God's work with.

What do you think David hit Goliath with, a Fig Newton?

Here we are, see!

I found lots of your old clothes.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you doin' there?

That's my good mohair jacket.

You can't give away the mohair jacket.

Why not?

Because the hair of the mo here

is as good as it ever was.

Daddy, there's no such animal as a mo.

The Canadian woods are full of moes.

Archie, this jacket is 20 years old.

Well, it's... You can never fit into it.

It's a beautiful jacket and it's perfect.

Here, give me.

Well, give it to the poor.

Now, listen. Let's get back to this baptism thing here.

Daddy, I don't want to discuss it anymore, please.

If it's really bothering you,

why don't you take it up with Michael?

I ain't gonna take it up with Michael.

I wouldn't disgrace the name of baptism

by talkin' about it in front of an atheist.

Hi, everybody.

Listen you atheist, I want that kid baptized.

Good morning, Arch.

Hey, Ma. Brought you some clothes for the church.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

Never mind givin' clothes to the church.

How about givin' a soul to the church.

I want my grandson's sins cleaned.

Daddy, what kind of sins can a four-month-old baby have committed?

Yeah, what's he been doing, gurgling four-letter words?

Hey.

Or maybe he ripped his diaper off and flashed in the park.

That's disgustin'.

Gloria, would you go upstairs

and see if you can find some things you wanna give to the poor?

Oh, sure, Ma.

Feel about this thing and I don't want to have to

tell you a hundred times!

Listen, listen, listen, Edith. I'm warning you.

Now we better get that baby baptized.

Or he ain't goin' into heaven with you and me.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about this sweet little baby.

Oh, look. He's so innocent.

And God must love him

'cause he made him so beautiful.

She's right, Arch.

Besides, baptism is just a religious ritual.

What do you mean, a ritual? You went through baptism.

Hey, hey, hey. I renounced it years ago.

Oh, ho, ho.

Go renounce your belly button. You still got it.

Bein' baptized makes you religious.

Oh, come on, Arch.

Joey was circumcised. It doesn't make him Jewish.

No, it made him holler though.

What, maybe God don't care

if we get sprinkled in church or not.

Maybe the rain is God's way

of baptizin' the whole world.

Listen to Billie Jean Graham over here.

Oh, Arch, let's just say that there is a heaven.

There is.

You believe that all people are God's children.

I certainly do.

And you can't get into heaven unless you're baptized.

Absolutely not.

What about the Jews? They don't believe in baptism.

You mean to tell me that God keeps them out of heaven?

No. The Jews are allowed in because Moses was baptized.

When did that happen?

When he was crossing the holy water of the Red Sea,

he got his feet wet.

And that is how the Jews saved their souls.

So, wait a second...

Where, where, where is the soul?

It's inside of you. Where?

It moves all around.

It's not attached to anything?

No, it can't be attached to you.

Otherwise it couldn't fly out of your body

and go to heaven when you croak.

Well, how does it get out of the body?

It jumps out just before they slam the lid on the box and plant you.

Well, what if you're cremated?

Then it jumps out of the box just before it hears

the match strike.

Matches, souls jumpin' out of boxes, I don't believe this.

Well, you don't believe it

because you're an atheist, you don't believe in God.

Arch, if there is a God, why is there

so much unhappiness in this world?

"If there is a God, why is there

"so much unhappiness in this world?"

I'll answer that question for you, buddy.

There is this, uh... Edith!

If there is a God, why is there so much...

Get out of the window, there.

Can't you answer some of these questions over here?

What was the question?

Why did God put so much unhappiness in the world?

Oh...

Well... Maybe, so's when we get to heaven,

we'll notice the improvement.

Good.

Did you hear that? So's when we get to heaven,

we'll notice the improvement there.

I wanna tell you something, buddy,

heaven is, what you call, a very delirious place there.

I mean, everybody is happy and there's singin',

there is music and people lovin' and huggin' each other

and always sayin' lovely things to each other.

Yeah. Like The Dinah Shore Show.

Michael, we gotta get goin'.

Here, Ma, I found some more things you can give away.

Oh, thank you.

Look, Arch, I'll believe in heaven when I get there.

The day I see you there, I'll worry about where I am.

Come on, Gloria, let's go.

Have a good time.

Oh, and, Ma, when Joey wakes up, don't be afraid to pick him up

and play with him all you want.

Her, "afraid to pick him up"?

If she has her way, his feet won't touch the ground

till he's goin' to school.

Oh.

Bye. MIKE: Goodbye.

Bye. Yeah, goodbye. Hey, have a good time there.

Get lost.

Listen, they're gone and now is our chance.

We're gonna get him baptized.

Oh, no, we ain't.

Oh, yes, we are.

It's what God wants and I know what God wants.

Let me see.

Don't see nothin'. Get away. Get away.

Get your hat and coat on.

I'm gettin' my hat and coat on.

We're going to take that child down to the church.

No! We ain't! No! Archie...

Yes we are, Edith. Yes, we are.

Now we got the chance now. Now we're gonna do it.

Edith, Edith.

Get your coat on now, Edith. You get it on.

We're going to go down there. I ain't going to miss this chance.

You give me that coat! Edith, Edith, Edith.

Give me that... What do you think...

Here, I locked it.

Give me the key. No!

Edith, you know where God sends people

who darest go against his will?

Where? To hell, hell, hell!

Now, Edith, he'll send down plagues on you, Edith.

Thousands of birds, like he put onto Job there,

and locusts there to rip up your lawn

and eat your hedges there.

He'll send down hailstones as big as baseballs

to bust your roof out there.

He could ram you into the belly of a whale.

If God gets sore enough at you, Edith,

he could turn your jawbone into an ass.

Now give me the key.

Edith, please, huh, please?

Edith, please, look at me, huh?

Just turn around and look at me here.

Now, listen, listen, Edith.

We don't wanna spoil a whole Sunday

havin' a fight, do we, darling?

I know you want the same thing for that baby that I do

and you want him to be baptized every bit as much as me.

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Now give me the key.

All right, Edith, you win.

I only hope you ain't sorry for this one of these days.

And when are they gonna come and collect

all these old clothes?

Any minute.

We're dyin' of rubbish fumes here.

A truck is gonna come and pick 'em all up.

The whole room smells of a hundred armpits.

You wanna watch TV?

No.

Waterloo Bridge is on

with Robert Taylor and Vivien Leigh.

I hate it and don't turn it on.

This is the one where he's an English Army soldier

and she's a ballet dancer.

Don't tell me about it.

They meet in a bomb shelter.

She tells me anyhow.

And he gives her a little statue for good luck

and then he goes off and gets killed in the war.

The end.

No, 'cause he don't really get killed.

Which his mother could've told her

if she had stayed at the restaurant,

only she didn't.

So she didn't find out that he was alive

until he told her himself.

But then, it was too late.

'Cause she had become a "lady of the evening."

That's what they used to call 'em in those days.

Well, anyway...

Now listen, Edith,

I can't go out without my hat and coat,

I'll catch my death of a cold.

That's right and they're gonna stay locked in that closet

till Mike and Gloria get back and take their baby home.

Listen, Edith, couldn't I just myself take the baby for a little stroll...

No!

We. We. We.

Couldn't we take the baby for a little stroll in the park nowhere near the church?

Well, I don't know.

Well, we ain't had lunch yet.

Make sandwiches, we'll have a picnic.

It's too cold.

Make hot sandwiches.

They'd get cold by the time we got there.

Not if we hurry up and get there.

Where are we gonna eat?

We'll find a sunny spot.

The paper says rain.

We'll go down the subway.

Oh, Archie, you can't fool me.

Why did you pick this day of all the days of your life

to suddenly get smart?

I want a beer.

Well, what about your diet? You can't have a beer.

Ain't I lucky to have you around

to keep me from enjoyin' life?

Then what can I have?

You can have a nice, low-cal root beer.

I'll vomit.

I'll get it.

Something out there I can drink.

Oh, yeah, I'm waitin' for you to come and pick 'em up.

Yeah, yeah, tell him to come and pick it all up here.

Well, where are you now?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Well, from where you are,

can you see Grand Central Parkway?

You can? Then you're lost.

Well, wait a minute, I'll ask my husband

'cause, uh, he knows the way,

'cause he's the one that keeps comin' home all the time.

Archie!

How do you get to Northern Boulevard from Grand Central Parkway?

Well, hold on a minute.

Archie, the truck driver is lost.

He wants to know how to...

Joey. Joey. Joey.

Hey, hold on a minute.

Joey.

Oh, Archie.

Archie!

Oh, I should've made sandwiches.

Come in.

Yes?

Ah... Oh, no, no, no, please come in.

Well, I got the baby, my grandson with me here.

Well, well, bring the baby in.

Yeah, all right.

Uh, I just want to see the Reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever.

I'm Reverend Chong, his assistant.

Oh, hi, there. My name is Archie Bunker.

I'm one of the flocks of the church.

When is your boss coming back?

Oh, he's gone for the day, can I help?

Oh, I don't think so. You see I...

I just thought I'd get my grandson baptized.

Oh, well you've come to the right place, Mr. Bunker.

I'd be glad to perform the ceremony for you.

Oh, well, I tell you... You see...

We need a regular American ceremony.

We... We can't use any dragons or firecrackers.

Uh, Mr. Bunker, I assure you

I can give your grandson a regular Christian service.

And I can guarantee you

the certificate won't be in a fortune cookie.

Well, I'll say this for you,

you've got a sense of humor there, Chang.

Chong.

Whatever.

Are the parents here?

Well, the parents, yeah...

Uh, l-listen, uh, could we have a little talk

like, uh, Christian to Christian?

I can. Good.

Please, have a seat.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, uh, I'll tell you...

I'll tell you the, uh, the absolute truth there.

Now the parents,

there's nothing they want more in this world

than to see that child baptized, see?

But they were busy so they couldn't come here today,

but see we... we can't wait there Reverend.

Because you see, the soul has to be saved,

as you know yourself,

just as soon as it can,

in this awful, sexy world. You know?

You watch yourself, on every corner,

you see all these things here,

the hookeries and massageries, you know...

I mean, I don't know what's happening.

The whole world is turnin' into a regular Sodom and Guacamorrah.

You're following me there?

At a respectable distance.

Uh, Mr. Bunker, somehow I get the feeling,

the child's parents are against him being baptized and in that case...

No, no, wait a minute. No, you see what I had in mind was this.

I would like to, ahem, slip a few dollars into

into the poor box, see,

which don't necessarily have to wind up there, you see?

And, uh, now, uh,

we don't have to tell the Reverend Fletcher there...

Felcher.

Whatever.

We don't have to tell him nothin' about it, see?

What do you say, Chang?

Chong.

Whatever.

I say no, Mr. Binker.

Bunker.

Whatever.

Okay, now, Lord, I hope I do this right, see,

I'm all on my own in here.

Even Charlie Chan in there wouldn't help me out.

I ain't been to church lately,

so if I seem a little strange in here,

don't worry, I'm still Archie Bunker.

And I still believe very deeply in thee. Thou.

Whatever.

Now, this here, Lord,

is my little grandson, Joey. See?

Now, his parents,

they don't care if he's baptized.

Because his old man is a dopey atheist.

So we're going to do it here while we get the chance.

See now, I ain't dressed for this kind of a ceremony,

but as soon as I get home,

I'm gonna give this sweater to the poor.

I wanna do this, Lord,

because I don't want my little grandson

growing up without religion

in this rotten world of yours.

Uh... No intense offended there, Lord.

We all know you did the best you could,

with only six days to get it all together.

Now don't worry, Joey,

'cause this ain't gonna make you holler, see?

Like that other thing they done to you.

Now, Lord, this is Joseph Michael Stivic here,

a Christian.

Joseph Michael Stivic, I baptize thee

in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Now.

I hope that took, Lord,

because they're gonna kill me when I get home.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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