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? Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,040
? Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,210
? Guys like us, we had it made
4
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? Those were the days
5
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:17,116
? And you knew
where you were then
6
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
? Girls were girls
and men were men
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? Mister, we could use a man
8
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,891
? Like Herbert Hoover again
9
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,660
? Didn't need no welfare states
10
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,897
? Everybody pulled his weight
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? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
12
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? Those were the days ?
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-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
14
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? Someday my prince will come
15
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:03,095
? Someday my prince will come
16
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:14,072
? Someday my prince will come ?
17
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:17,442
Hey, Snow White,
your prince just come!
18
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,512
Archie!
19
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:25,384
Hello, Archie. Did
you have a nice day?
20
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,521
Oh, I guess you didn't.
21
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:35,093
How am I gonna have a nice
day on that diet you put me on?
22
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,596
I had a hungry day, Edith.
23
00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,834
How's a man gonna
work eight hard hours a
24
00:01:39,858 --> 00:01:42,267
day on what you put
in that lunch box, there?
25
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:48,940
I gave you carrot sticks, tuna salad and
an orange. That's a very healthy lunch.
26
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:52,711
You know what I done with
that healthy lunch, Edith?
27
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,480
I threw the
carrots to the birds.
28
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:58,850
I threw the tuna fish
to the warehouse cat.
29
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,486
And I threw the orange at
some of them Krishna Hare
30
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,795
shave-heads who was going by.
31
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:08,960
Oh, Archie, I know
it's hard for you to diet.
32
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:11,207
It's hard, Edith,
because I hate it.
33
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,833
But Dr. Nelson says
you gotta lose 25 pounds,
34
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:19,037
and you gotta take them pills, so
your blood pressure stays down.
35
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,339
Aw, ...to Dr. Nelson.
36
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:25,377
Let me tell you somethin',
doctors never get hungry, Edith.
37
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:28,246
I'm shovin' around
heavy crates all day long,
38
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,955
the heaviest thing Dr. Nelson
shoves is a thermometer.
39
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,486
Poor Archie!
40
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:39,724
The first three days of a
diet is always the hardest
41
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:44,196
but Mike and Gloria and me are
dietin', too, to keep you company.
42
00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:48,566
You know what they say,
misery is the best company!
43
00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:50,435
Don't do that, Edith!
44
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,549
I'll tell you somethin' about
misery. Misery wants beer!
45
00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:56,841
Oh, no!
46
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,221
No! Your heart, your heart!
Edith, I'm tired. I gotta have a beer.
47
00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:02,447
Your heart, Archie, you gotta
watch your heart and lose weight.
48
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:05,717
I lost enough already, Edith. The
pants are hangin' off me, look at this!
49
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,386
I can slip a finger,
right down in there.
50
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:10,555
See that?
51
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,835
And that's as much meat as I had
on that belly for the last three days!
52
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:15,393
Edith, Edith, please!
You don't need no beer!
53
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:20,298
Edith, while you are talkin' here,
you are standin' on the tail of a mouse.
54
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,936
Archie, put that down!
I'm gonna put it down.
55
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:27,739
Right down this gut here.
No! No! Oh, look, Archie!
56
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,174
There's a spider on your collar!
57
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:41,219
You wrenched that
can out of this hand?
58
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:46,791
Yeah, and every time I see a can
in your hand, I'm gonna wrench it!
59
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,494
Come on, Edith,
give me the beer.
60
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:02,174
Do you realize how ridiculous
you are, doin' this here?
61
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,276
I'm gonna count three,
Edith, and I want that beer.
62
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,646
One. Two. Three.
63
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:11,416
All right. Now, that's nice.
I'm so thirsty when I get...
64
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:17,689
What the hell... I got a dingbat
revolution on my hands here?
65
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,091
Edith! Edith, you are my wife!
66
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,893
And I don't wanna be your widow!
67
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,830
Edith. Edith.
68
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:28,667
If you're gonna do what I think
you're gonna do with that beer,
69
00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:30,068
please don't.
70
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:42,580
The most heart-breaking
sound I ever heard.
71
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,982
You're gonna thank
me for this later.
72
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,684
It's for your own good.
73
00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:50,521
Everything for my own
good is no damn good!
74
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:52,523
Hey, folks. How're you doing?
- Hi!
75
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,671
Joey's here. My little Joey.
76
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,228
He ain't got no hair on him yet.
77
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,275
I think I'll take him
upstairs. Oh, I'll help you.
78
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,110
I'll do it. I'll do it.
79
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,946
Hello, hello my little
chubby. Thanks, Ma.
80
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,481
You're gettin' so chubby,
81
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:07,516
you're gonna have
to go on a diet, too.
82
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:10,042
Hey, hey, hey. Hey,
Meathead, get over here.
83
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,588
Hey, Arch, how's the
old diet comin', huh?
84
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:15,280
Stop that! Stop that!
85
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,081
You got any beer
over at your house?
86
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,583
What do you want with beer?
87
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,520
Edith threw my last
one down the toilet.
88
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:25,290
Well, what's the difference? It
would've wound up there anyway.
89
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,495
Dogs off the coffee table.
Dogs off the coffee table.
90
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:33,899
Daddy, you know you're not supposed
to sneak beer when you're on a diet.
91
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,268
I hate the diet!
92
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,503
Well, so does Michael.
But he's stickin' to his!
93
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,404
Oh, yeah. And then he goes home
94
00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:42,874
and he packs his face
with milk and Fig Newtons
95
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,777
Joey's gettin' so smart!
96
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:50,115
I was talkin' to him, and he
looked me right in the eye,
97
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,750
like he understood
every word I said.
98
00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:54,697
Everybody looks at
you that way, Edith,
99
00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:56,961
they don't wanna
make you feel bad.
100
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,036
Thank you, Archie.
She likes that.
101
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,504
You hurt me. Good.
102
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,395
Well, I'll get dinner.
I'll help you, Ma.
103
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:07,432
And Daddy, you
need exercise, too.
104
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,467
So, tonight, after dinner,
105
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,470
why don't you and Michael
take a nice brisk evening walk?
106
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:17,275
Are you kiddin'? An
evening walk in this town?
107
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,877
You walk too fast,
the cops pick you up.
108
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:23,047
You walk too slow, the
muggers knock you down.
109
00:06:23,117 --> 00:06:24,782
Well, then skip.
110
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,920
I do that and the
fags are all over me.
111
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,724
That's 'cause you're so pretty.
112
00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:39,096
Why is everybody worryin' about
me, I'm as healthy as a horse.
113
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:42,367
When I die, it ain't gonna
be from nothin' serious.
114
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,349
You know what you ought
to do, Arch? What I do.
115
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:49,373
Jogging in place. It's
great for the circulation.
116
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,843
You jog? Sure.
117
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,780
I'd love to see that.
Oh, I'll show you.
118
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,250
Dinner! Coming!
119
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,990
That's what he does,
he jogs to the table.
120
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,959
This looks good. Yeah.
121
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,928
Very slimming,
too. I can't wait.
122
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:11,373
Here, I'll give you some meat.
123
00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:12,975
Hold it, hold it.
Oh, thanks, honey.
124
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,311
Hold it, Edith. Edith. There
you go, that's enough, thank you.
125
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,969
This is a meal for
four human beings?
126
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,372
Yeah, it's turkey.
127
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:25,010
That ain't turkey,
that's notepaper.
128
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:28,379
Stop complaining, would
you? If we can diet, you can.
129
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,415
Yeah, don't you have
any will power? No!
130
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,085
What do you call this? Zucchini.
131
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,354
Looks like a cooked pickle.
132
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,090
You're only allowed one.
133
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,159
Who the hell wants more?
134
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,196
And here's your slice of bread.
135
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,166
And a spoonful
of peas. Oh, jeez.
136
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,436
Mmm.
137
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:54,650
Hey, wait, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute, wait a minute there.
138
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:57,475
Look... Look, look,
look at this here.
139
00:07:57,544 --> 00:08:01,713
He's got about 18 peas
over there, I only got about 12.
140
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,684
You're actually
counting the peas?
141
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:07,496
Why not? If we're
all gonna starve,
142
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,989
we might as well
start out even here.
143
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:13,558
All right, Arch. I'll give
you three of my peas.
144
00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:15,304
There you go. Oh, look at this,
145
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:19,964
with his big fingers all over
them. I ain't gonna eat them now.
146
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,833
I want some butter here.
147
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:25,737
Oh, no. You had today's
butter this morning.
148
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:29,040
Could I make a loan on tomorrow?
149
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:32,610
No, if I give you
tomorrow's butter today,
150
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,847
then you couldn't have today's
bread with tomorrow's butter,
151
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:38,850
because if you use tomorrow's
butter on today's bread,
152
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:42,653
then you can't have
tomorrow's flounder, which is...
153
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,763
Unless, you wanna
give up today's olive.
154
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:59,837
For this much butter, I'd
throw the olive on the floor.
155
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:02,718
Where's the butter,
Edith, I want butter!
156
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:04,153
Oh, Joey's crying. There's Joey!
157
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,709
I'll go! I'll go.
158
00:09:05,778 --> 00:09:07,156
What are you talkin' about?
159
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,791
She's the only one who
can give him what he wants,
160
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:10,448
get me coffee.
161
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:36,040
What?
162
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,210
What are you doin' there?
163
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,780
I'm eatin'.
164
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:44,482
I can see that,
you're doin' it wrong.
165
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:47,551
What are you talkin' about?
166
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,832
You're almost finished
your peas there,
167
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:52,668
and you ain't even started
that other what do you call it?
168
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:54,859
Zucchini? Yeah, whatever.
169
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,262
I was gonna eat the
zucchini, after I finish the peas.
170
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,133
Then when are you gonna get
to the turkey? After the zucchini.
171
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,769
That's dumb.
172
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:11,909
Can't you eat like
a normal person?
173
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:13,978
What's normal?
174
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,258
You're supposed to
eat a little of the peas,
175
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:19,050
then a little bit of
the kuzini there,
176
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:23,187
Zucchini. Whatever.
177
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:26,057
Then you take a little
of the turkey there.
178
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,660
You see that? So, you
get a good mixture there,
179
00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,062
that's what you call
a balanced meal.
180
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,968
Arch, you've been
watching me eat for six years,
181
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,436
how come you never
mentioned this before?
182
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:40,916
Because you're
eatin' slow tonight.
183
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:43,341
Before your fork
was always a blur.
184
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,193
Don't keep doin' what I
tell you is wrong there.
185
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:54,330
I'm tryin' to teach you somethin'
about your system there.
186
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,454
Listen, listen to me.
187
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,634
You're supposed to
eat a little of the peas,
188
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,235
then a little of
the kuzini there,
189
00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,926
then a little of the turkey.
190
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,540
So that you get the
even mix goin' down, see?
191
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:07,743
And it goes to all parts of your
body, even, at the same time.
192
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,478
You know what I'm talking about?
193
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,147
The way you eat there, a
lump of this, a lump of that,
194
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,838
a lump of this over here.
195
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:18,443
Everything goes to different
parts, in different ways, see?
196
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:22,247
Basics, I don't know, well, maybe, uh,
maybe your lung could get all of the peas.
197
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:34,658
The kuzini could
all rush to a foot.
198
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:44,468
The turkey. I don't know, maybe
the turkey'll all go to your heart.
199
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,372
There's too much
meat in your heart.
200
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,474
You can get what you
call a coronial trombonesis.
201
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,281
You know, I never
thought of that.
202
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,082
Well, I'm telling you.
203
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:01,319
That's why your most
perfect food is your sandwich
204
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,923
and especially, your
hero sandwich, see?
205
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:08,391
Because everything you got in there.
You got in there, your meats is there,
206
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,662
your cheese is there, your
tomato sauce is in there.
207
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,732
Delicious bread on the top,
delicious bread on the bottom.
208
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,136
You take a bite of that and everything
is all nice and mixed up there.
209
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:22,173
And it goes down, all
mixed, see, with each bite,
210
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,582
And is it good.
211
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:38,736
I gotta have a
sandwich, Meathead.
212
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:39,957
Arch!
213
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:41,525
Don't do it, Arch!
214
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,562
He's gonna have a sandwich,
Ma. He's gonna eat a sandwich.
215
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:46,241
You gotta lose weight.
What're you gonna do?
216
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:48,177
Throw the whole refrigerator
down the toilet? Shame!
217
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:51,803
Shame, shame, shame. Now, come
on, go in there and have your coffee.
218
00:12:51,871 --> 00:12:53,548
Mike, bring the coffee. I
like sugar in the coffee.
219
00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:55,284
And I wanna lot of
sugar in it. No sugar.
220
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,474
No sugar. GLORIA:
Gimme a hand up here, Ma
221
00:12:57,543 --> 00:13:00,844
Oh, dear, Gloria!
Uh, uh, Mike, hurry up.
222
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:04,782
Come in here, watch Archie,
so he don't sneak nothin'.
223
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:11,122
Ma! Don't worry, Ma, I'm
guardin' the refrigerator.
224
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:23,234
What did you say out there?
225
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,672
I didn't say anything.
226
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,135
I want that!
227
00:13:57,203 --> 00:14:01,138
Arch. Just because I weakened,
that doesn't mean... Give me that!
228
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,706
You give me that sandwich!
229
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,286
He was gonna eat it!
He was gonna eat it, Ma!
230
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,610
You ain't gonna get no
fattening foods in this house.
231
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,981
Okay, Edith, to hell with the diet!
Then I'm gonna take my meals out!
232
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,882
Oh, no, Archie, no!
233
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:14,496
I don't care, I can't stand
it! You can't do that, Archie.
234
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,164
No more. Well,
where are you goin'?
235
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:19,068
I'm gonna go out in this town
and I'm gonna find any restaurant
236
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,136
that'll give me
something fat to eat.
237
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:25,129
I'm gonna start out in Kelcy's, I'm
gonna have a big bowl of greasy chili.
238
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,643
Then I'm goin' up to the
Northern Boulevard, to the dago.
239
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,612
And I'm gonna get
a big pizza there,
240
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,880
a number 32 with the
whole kitchen sink in there.
241
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:35,306
And I ain't gonna stop there, Edith,
I'm goin' to the Colonel next, see?
242
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,008
I'm gonna get a big
bucket of chicken chests
243
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:39,744
and smashed potatoes.
244
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,379
Double on the gravy.
245
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:45,350
And then I'm goin' to 31
Flavors, I'm gonna eat 34.
246
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:48,586
Edith, let me tell
you somethin'.
247
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:52,756
God did not give man a
belly, just to hang a button on.
248
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,292
Archie!
249
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:10,375
Hey, Kelsey, what
happened to my beer?
250
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:13,611
Comin' up, Munson.
Jeez, I'm sorry!
251
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,891
Hey, Kelsey, did you put
the garbage out today?
252
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,517
Sure. Something smells rotten.
253
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,253
I'm cookin' Archie's dinner.
254
00:15:22,321 --> 00:15:25,189
If it ain't on the table when
he comes in from work,
255
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,869
he screams at me. How
long you been feedin' him?
256
00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:30,628
Three nights. Eats
here, then he goes home.
257
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,608
Wish I could figure a way
to make him stay there.
258
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,143
Why don't you make up some lie,
259
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,607
like the Board of Health
condemned your kitchen?
260
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:39,971
That ain't no lie, they did.
261
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:43,640
But, um, I still cook for
the people who don't care.
262
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,154
Kelsey, I'm here and I'm hungry.
263
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,811
Hi, Arch. Hiya there, Munson.
264
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,123
Hi, Arch. How are you?
265
00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:49,725
Oh, look at this.
Come on here, Kelsey,
266
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,494
look at the table, nothin'
here. Dinner, dinner, dinner.
267
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,752
You'll eat when it's ready.
268
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:56,965
Is that a way to talk
to a workin' man,
269
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:59,490
comin' home after
a hard days' work?
270
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,526
Arch, I'm at not
used to livin' like this,
271
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,234
tell me what it is
you want me to say?
272
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,296
Just say somethin', huh?
273
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:07,410
I don't care, anything nice, why
don't you ask me how was my day?
274
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,866
Okay. Arch, how was your day?
275
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:11,769
Oh, you don't give
a damn, forget it.
276
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,238
Don't bark at me,
I'm your friend,
277
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,705
don't talk to me like your wife.
278
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:18,309
Oh, jeez! I... I'm sorry
there, Kelsey, it's just that
279
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:21,078
you have an apron on
and it threw me. You know.
280
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,647
Get me a beer, huh?
281
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:25,049
Arch, would you do
me a favor, please?
282
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:28,052
Make up with Edith.
Beer, beer, beer, huh?
283
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:31,689
First, I gotta check your
dinner, dinner, dinner!
284
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,335
I'm goin' home. No, no,
wait a minute, Munson,
285
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:35,337
don't be in such a rush.
Why don't you sit down here?
286
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:36,872
I'll treat you to some
dinner. No, thanks.
287
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,362
I'm havin' dinner with my wife.
288
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,064
Which is what most of
America's doin' right now.
289
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,044
How do you know what
most of America's doin'?
290
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:45,148
Who the hell are
you, Eric Sevarules?
291
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,217
Arch, you should
go on that diet.
292
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,853
Or they're gonna be buying
your coffin in a fat man's store.
293
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,121
So long. Oh, leave
me alone, all right.
294
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:56,948
Hey, Kelsey, hurry up there, and by
the way, what do we got for chow tonight?
295
00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,051
We got pork chops,
French fries, uh, macaroni.
296
00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:02,130
Yeah, that's what you been
givin' me the last two nights.
297
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:04,199
Yeah, but tonight you
got a choice. What?
298
00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:05,590
Eat it or go home.
299
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:11,996
Whoa!
300
00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:14,665
Hey!
301
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,770
Hey, there's Quigley. What
are you doin' around here?
302
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,272
Just finishin' up
my three-mile jog.
303
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:22,940
Been doin' it all my life.
304
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:25,020
Hey, can I have a drink of that
beer? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
305
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,278
Help yourself there. Thanks.
306
00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:29,380
Three-mile jog, huh?
307
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:32,483
Jeez, you're in great
shape for a man of 93.
308
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,518
Ninety-two. Don't rush me.
309
00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:38,222
There's your dinner,
Arch, there you go.
310
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,202
How does that
look? Yeah, well, uh.
311
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,806
As soon I hide it with
the ketchup, it'll look fine.
312
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:47,331
That... That greasy kid
stuff is gonna kill you, Arch.
313
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,433
Oh, you ought to go on a diet
314
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,647
and lose some weight.
Oh, come on, Quigley,
315
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,049
don't give me that, I get
enough of that from Edith.
316
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,674
And she's right, too.
317
00:17:56,743 --> 00:18:00,010
Look at me, 92!
318
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:05,449
And I still enjoy, swimmin' and
golfing, and biking, all sports!
319
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,552
Whoo-pee! That, too.
320
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,072
Hey, Quigley, come on,
you know, I mean after all,
321
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:21,432
at your age, sex must be
down to a handshake, huh?
322
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,768
Yup! Before and after.
323
00:18:28,307 --> 00:18:30,741
In between, it's still whoo-pee!
324
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,143
Oh, good.
325
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:36,458
Well, uh, can I, uh, give
you a taste of this here?
326
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:38,316
Oh, no thanks.
327
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:42,586
I wanna live to be as
old as that pork chop.
328
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,988
You know, you keep
eatin' that kind of stuff,
329
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,890
and you ain't gonna
be long for this world.
330
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,527
Oh, now, let me tell
you somethin', Quigley.
331
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:52,696
What you eat, ain't got nothin'
to do with how old you are, see?
332
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,599
That all depends
on your ancestors.
333
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:59,770
It's what they call a
matter of heresy, see?
334
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:04,108
Now, I would bet that you
come from a family of long livers.
335
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:07,978
Hmm, you'd lose that bet,
Arch, I'm tellin' you. Looky here.
336
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:10,580
This is my family tree.
337
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,082
This is my brother, Charlie.
338
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,385
Two hundred and fifty
pounds. Loved to eat.
339
00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:17,621
Died, hollering for a waiter.
340
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,827
This short, fat guy,
is my uncle Harry,
341
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,528
he had a double funeral.
342
00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:28,065
One of his pallbearers
dropped dead carryin' him.
343
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:32,870
This is fat Aunt
Flora. Died at 55.
344
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,184
Hey, Quigley, ain't you
got nobody alive in there?
345
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,876
Nope. Aunt Flora
just loved Italian food.
346
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,712
Stuffed herself with
it till the day she died.
347
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:44,915
You know what they put
on her tombstone? No.
348
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,784
Rest in pizza.
349
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:52,623
Hey, why, why are you
pesterin' me about the food here,
350
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,636
and showin' me all
your dead relations?
351
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:59,429
Because if you were smart, you'd go
on a diet and lower your blood pressure
352
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:01,498
like Dr. Nelson told you to.
353
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:04,969
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Hey,
wait a minute there.
354
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,816
How do you know about my
Dr. Nelson and my blood pressure?
355
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,519
I know how you know,
because Edith sent you over here
356
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,544
and she sent you with
them pictures, didn't she?
357
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:16,414
Bunker, take my advice
358
00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:21,051
and don't wind up just a fat
memory in somebody's wallet.
359
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,287
Now, you go stick to your diet,
360
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:26,723
and you'll live to dance at
your grandson's wedding.
361
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,860
Think it over, sonny.
362
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,592
Oh, Archie!
363
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:04,495
Oh, my! You scared
me. It's only me.
364
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,469
Well, I'm home.
365
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,005
I'm home, too.
366
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,644
Had my dinner at Kelcy's.
367
00:21:20,713 --> 00:21:22,713
Hmm.
368
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:26,917
I had pork chops, macaroni
and cheese, French fries,
369
00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:30,321
topped it all off with a
piece of lemon meringe pie.
370
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:35,526
Bicarbs on the counter. Thanks.
371
00:21:35,594 --> 00:21:38,762
I'll say this for Kelsey,
he ain't great, but he's fast.
372
00:21:38,831 --> 00:21:40,497
Oh, Archie,
373
00:21:40,566 --> 00:21:45,202
he deep fries everything
in that awful old oil.
374
00:21:46,705 --> 00:21:49,406
He changes his oil.
375
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,842
'Bout once every 3,000 meals.
376
00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:55,146
It ain't funny.
377
00:21:55,214 --> 00:21:58,215
Archie, if you're gonna
go on eatin' that junk food,
378
00:21:58,284 --> 00:22:00,996
that ain't good for you, I
could cook it right here at home.
379
00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:05,489
Don't be raising your
voice to me there.
380
00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:08,825
And another thing, don't you
never do, what you did tonight.
381
00:22:08,895 --> 00:22:11,495
Sending old Quigley
over there to spy on me,
382
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,331
with a whole
walletful of fat stiffs.
383
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:19,970
That there is an
invasion of my privates.
384
00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:26,143
Archie, I did that
for your own good.
385
00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:29,112
I'll make a deal with you.
386
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:33,150
If you'll promise not to eat
no dinners no more at Kelcy's,
387
00:22:33,219 --> 00:22:36,654
I'll give you more
food here at home.
388
00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:40,658
I'll, uh, I'll make you pork
chops once in a while.
389
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:43,160
And... And French
fries, once a week.
390
00:22:43,229 --> 00:22:45,796
And... And macaroni,
now and then.
391
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,131
And maybe some pie.
392
00:23:03,082 --> 00:23:05,583
Does that mean yes or no?
393
00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:14,992
What do you want to feed me all that
fat food for? You wanna kill me, Edith?
394
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:18,328
Archie, look, I'm all mixed up.
395
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,797
Do you wanna go on a
diet? Well, now, listen.
396
00:23:20,867 --> 00:23:22,799
It all depends on you, Edith,
397
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:24,713
when I start screamin'
for the fat food,
398
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:28,172
you gotta hold back, there.
You can't give me that, see?
399
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:32,776
I mean, the reason it's hard
for me to stay on this here diet is,
400
00:23:32,845 --> 00:23:34,311
you are weak.
401
00:23:39,385 --> 00:23:40,918
Well, I'm sorry.
402
00:23:42,288 --> 00:23:45,055
I forgive you, we'll
say no more about it.
403
00:23:45,124 --> 00:23:46,701
You gotta help me there, Edith.
404
00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:50,194
'Cause, see, I wanna live
to be as old as Quigley.
405
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:55,132
I wanna be with you, dancin'
at our grandson Joey's wedding.
406
00:23:55,201 --> 00:23:58,235
Oh, Archie!
407
00:23:58,304 --> 00:24:02,072
Oh, it'll be so good cookin'
for you and getting old.
408
00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:06,577
Easy, Edith, easy, Edith, easy,
easy. Don't be slobberin' all over me.
409
00:24:07,546 --> 00:24:09,613
Did you ever stop to figure
410
00:24:09,682 --> 00:24:11,782
how many calories
there is in one slobber?
411
00:24:12,484 --> 00:24:13,817
No, how many?
412
00:24:13,886 --> 00:24:16,653
Oh, an awful lot, Edith.
413
00:24:16,722 --> 00:24:19,162
But the hell with it,
give me some calories.
414
00:24:47,753 --> 00:24:50,031
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
415
00:24:50,055 --> 00:24:51,888
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416
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