Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare states

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

? Someday my prince will come

? Someday my prince will come

? Someday my prince will come ?

Hey, Snow White, your prince just come!

Archie!

Hello, Archie. Did you have a nice day?

Oh, I guess you didn't.

How am I gonna have a nice day on that diet you put me on?

I had a hungry day, Edith.

How's a man gonna work eight hard hours a

day on what you put in that lunch box, there?

I gave you carrot sticks, tuna salad and an orange. That's a very healthy lunch.

You know what I done with that healthy lunch, Edith?

I threw the carrots to the birds.

I threw the tuna fish to the warehouse cat.

And I threw the orange at some of them Krishna Hare

shave-heads who was going by.

Oh, Archie, I know it's hard for you to diet.

It's hard, Edith, because I hate it.

But Dr. Nelson says you gotta lose 25 pounds,

and you gotta take them pills, so your blood pressure stays down.

Aw, ...to Dr. Nelson.

Let me tell you somethin', doctors never get hungry, Edith.

I'm shovin' around heavy crates all day long,

the heaviest thing Dr. Nelson shoves is a thermometer.

Poor Archie!

The first three days of a diet is always the hardest

but Mike and Gloria and me are dietin', too, to keep you company.

You know what they say, misery is the best company!

Don't do that, Edith!

I'll tell you somethin' about misery. Misery wants beer!

Oh, no!

No! Your heart, your heart! Edith, I'm tired. I gotta have a beer.

Your heart, Archie, you gotta watch your heart and lose weight.

I lost enough already, Edith. The pants are hangin' off me, look at this!

I can slip a finger, right down in there.

See that?

And that's as much meat as I had on that belly for the last three days!

Edith, Edith, please! You don't need no beer!

Edith, while you are talkin' here, you are standin' on the tail of a mouse.

Archie, put that down! I'm gonna put it down.

Right down this gut here. No! No! Oh, look, Archie!

There's a spider on your collar!

You wrenched that can out of this hand?

Yeah, and every time I see a can in your hand, I'm gonna wrench it!

Come on, Edith, give me the beer.

Do you realize how ridiculous you are, doin' this here?

I'm gonna count three, Edith, and I want that beer.

One. Two. Three.

All right. Now, that's nice. I'm so thirsty when I get...

What the hell... I got a dingbat revolution on my hands here?

Edith! Edith, you are my wife!

And I don't wanna be your widow!

Edith. Edith.

If you're gonna do what I think you're gonna do with that beer,

please don't.

The most heart-breaking sound I ever heard.

You're gonna thank me for this later.

It's for your own good.

Everything for my own good is no damn good!

Hey, folks. How're you doing? - Hi!

Joey's here. My little Joey.

He ain't got no hair on him yet.

I think I'll take him upstairs. Oh, I'll help you.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Hello, hello my little chubby. Thanks, Ma.

You're gettin' so chubby,

you're gonna have to go on a diet, too.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Meathead, get over here.

Hey, Arch, how's the old diet comin', huh?

Stop that! Stop that!

You got any beer over at your house?

What do you want with beer?

Edith threw my last one down the toilet.

Well, what's the difference? It would've wound up there anyway.

Dogs off the coffee table. Dogs off the coffee table.

Daddy, you know you're not supposed to sneak beer when you're on a diet.

I hate the diet!

Well, so does Michael. But he's stickin' to his!

Oh, yeah. And then he goes home

and he packs his face with milk and Fig Newtons

Joey's gettin' so smart!

I was talkin' to him, and he looked me right in the eye,

like he understood every word I said.

Everybody looks at you that way, Edith,

they don't wanna make you feel bad.

Thank you, Archie. She likes that.

You hurt me. Good.

Well, I'll get dinner. I'll help you, Ma.

And Daddy, you need exercise, too.

So, tonight, after dinner,

why don't you and Michael take a nice brisk evening walk?

Are you kiddin'? An evening walk in this town?

You walk too fast, the cops pick you up.

You walk too slow, the muggers knock you down.

Well, then skip.

I do that and the fags are all over me.

That's 'cause you're so pretty.

Why is everybody worryin' about me, I'm as healthy as a horse.

When I die, it ain't gonna be from nothin' serious.

You know what you ought to do, Arch? What I do.

Jogging in place. It's great for the circulation.

You jog? Sure.

I'd love to see that. Oh, I'll show you.

Dinner! Coming!

That's what he does, he jogs to the table.

This looks good. Yeah.

Very slimming, too. I can't wait.

Here, I'll give you some meat.

Hold it, hold it. Oh, thanks, honey.

Hold it, Edith. Edith. There you go, that's enough, thank you.

This is a meal for four human beings?

Yeah, it's turkey.

That ain't turkey, that's notepaper.

Stop complaining, would you? If we can diet, you can.

Yeah, don't you have any will power? No!

What do you call this? Zucchini.

Looks like a cooked pickle.

You're only allowed one.

Who the hell wants more?

And here's your slice of bread.

And a spoonful of peas. Oh, jeez.

Mmm.

Hey, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute there.

Look... Look, look, look at this here.

He's got about 18 peas over there, I only got about 12.

You're actually counting the peas?

Why not? If we're all gonna starve,

we might as well start out even here.

All right, Arch. I'll give you three of my peas.

There you go. Oh, look at this,

with his big fingers all over them. I ain't gonna eat them now.

I want some butter here.

Oh, no. You had today's butter this morning.

Could I make a loan on tomorrow?

No, if I give you tomorrow's butter today,

then you couldn't have today's bread with tomorrow's butter,

because if you use tomorrow's butter on today's bread,

then you can't have tomorrow's flounder, which is...

Unless, you wanna give up today's olive.

For this much butter, I'd throw the olive on the floor.

Where's the butter, Edith, I want butter!

Oh, Joey's crying. There's Joey!

I'll go! I'll go.

What are you talkin' about?

She's the only one who can give him what he wants,

get me coffee.

What?

What are you doin' there?

I'm eatin'.

I can see that, you're doin' it wrong.

What are you talkin' about?

You're almost finished your peas there,

and you ain't even started that other what do you call it?

Zucchini? Yeah, whatever.

I was gonna eat the zucchini, after I finish the peas.

Then when are you gonna get to the turkey? After the zucchini.

That's dumb.

Can't you eat like a normal person?

What's normal?

You're supposed to eat a little of the peas,

then a little bit of the kuzini there,

Zucchini. Whatever.

Then you take a little of the turkey there.

You see that? So, you get a good mixture there,

that's what you call a balanced meal.

Arch, you've been watching me eat for six years,

how come you never mentioned this before?

Because you're eatin' slow tonight.

Before your fork was always a blur.

Don't keep doin' what I tell you is wrong there.

I'm tryin' to teach you somethin' about your system there.

Listen, listen to me.

You're supposed to eat a little of the peas,

then a little of the kuzini there,

then a little of the turkey.

So that you get the even mix goin' down, see?

And it goes to all parts of your body, even, at the same time.

You know what I'm talking about?

The way you eat there, a lump of this, a lump of that,

a lump of this over here.

Everything goes to different parts, in different ways, see?

Basics, I don't know, well, maybe, uh, maybe your lung could get all of the peas.

The kuzini could all rush to a foot.

The turkey. I don't know, maybe the turkey'll all go to your heart.

There's too much meat in your heart.

You can get what you call a coronial trombonesis.

You know, I never thought of that.

Well, I'm telling you.

That's why your most perfect food is your sandwich

and especially, your hero sandwich, see?

Because everything you got in there. You got in there, your meats is there,

your cheese is there, your tomato sauce is in there.

Delicious bread on the top, delicious bread on the bottom.

You take a bite of that and everything is all nice and mixed up there.

And it goes down, all mixed, see, with each bite,

And is it good.

I gotta have a sandwich, Meathead.

Arch!

Don't do it, Arch!

He's gonna have a sandwich, Ma. He's gonna eat a sandwich.

You gotta lose weight. What're you gonna do?

Throw the whole refrigerator down the toilet? Shame!

Shame, shame, shame. Now, come on, go in there and have your coffee.

Mike, bring the coffee. I like sugar in the coffee.

And I wanna lot of sugar in it. No sugar.

No sugar. GLORIA: Gimme a hand up here, Ma

Oh, dear, Gloria! Uh, uh, Mike, hurry up.

Come in here, watch Archie, so he don't sneak nothin'.

Ma! Don't worry, Ma, I'm guardin' the refrigerator.

What did you say out there?

I didn't say anything.

I want that!

Arch. Just because I weakened, that doesn't mean... Give me that!

You give me that sandwich!

He was gonna eat it! He was gonna eat it, Ma!

You ain't gonna get no fattening foods in this house.

Okay, Edith, to hell with the diet! Then I'm gonna take my meals out!

Oh, no, Archie, no!

I don't care, I can't stand it! You can't do that, Archie.

No more. Well, where are you goin'?

I'm gonna go out in this town and I'm gonna find any restaurant

that'll give me something fat to eat.

I'm gonna start out in Kelcy's, I'm gonna have a big bowl of greasy chili.

Then I'm goin' up to the Northern Boulevard, to the dago.

And I'm gonna get a big pizza there,

a number 32 with the whole kitchen sink in there.

And I ain't gonna stop there, Edith, I'm goin' to the Colonel next, see?

I'm gonna get a big bucket of chicken chests

and smashed potatoes.

Double on the gravy.

And then I'm goin' to 31 Flavors, I'm gonna eat 34.

Edith, let me tell you somethin'.

God did not give man a belly, just to hang a button on.

Archie!

Hey, Kelsey, what happened to my beer?

Comin' up, Munson. Jeez, I'm sorry!

Hey, Kelsey, did you put the garbage out today?

Sure. Something smells rotten.

I'm cookin' Archie's dinner.

If it ain't on the table when he comes in from work,

he screams at me. How long you been feedin' him?

Three nights. Eats here, then he goes home.

Wish I could figure a way to make him stay there.

Why don't you make up some lie,

like the Board of Health condemned your kitchen?

That ain't no lie, they did.

But, um, I still cook for the people who don't care.

Kelsey, I'm here and I'm hungry.

Hi, Arch. Hiya there, Munson.

Hi, Arch. How are you?

Oh, look at this. Come on here, Kelsey,

look at the table, nothin' here. Dinner, dinner, dinner.

You'll eat when it's ready.

Is that a way to talk to a workin' man,

comin' home after a hard days' work?

Arch, I'm at not used to livin' like this,

tell me what it is you want me to say?

Just say somethin', huh?

I don't care, anything nice, why don't you ask me how was my day?

Okay. Arch, how was your day?

Oh, you don't give a damn, forget it.

Don't bark at me, I'm your friend,

don't talk to me like your wife.

Oh, jeez! I... I'm sorry there, Kelsey, it's just that

you have an apron on and it threw me. You know.

Get me a beer, huh?

Arch, would you do me a favor, please?

Make up with Edith. Beer, beer, beer, huh?

First, I gotta check your dinner, dinner, dinner!

I'm goin' home. No, no, wait a minute, Munson,

don't be in such a rush. Why don't you sit down here?

I'll treat you to some dinner. No, thanks.

I'm havin' dinner with my wife.

Which is what most of America's doin' right now.

How do you know what most of America's doin'?

Who the hell are you, Eric Sevarules?

Arch, you should go on that diet.

Or they're gonna be buying your coffin in a fat man's store.

So long. Oh, leave me alone, all right.

Hey, Kelsey, hurry up there, and by the way, what do we got for chow tonight?

We got pork chops, French fries, uh, macaroni.

Yeah, that's what you been givin' me the last two nights.

Yeah, but tonight you got a choice. What?

Eat it or go home.

Whoa!

Hey!

Hey, there's Quigley. What are you doin' around here?

Just finishin' up my three-mile jog.

Been doin' it all my life.

Hey, can I have a drink of that beer? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Help yourself there. Thanks.

Three-mile jog, huh?

Jeez, you're in great shape for a man of 93.

Ninety-two. Don't rush me.

There's your dinner, Arch, there you go.

How does that look? Yeah, well, uh.

As soon I hide it with the ketchup, it'll look fine.

That... That greasy kid stuff is gonna kill you, Arch.

Oh, you ought to go on a diet

and lose some weight. Oh, come on, Quigley,

don't give me that, I get enough of that from Edith.

And she's right, too.

Look at me, 92!

And I still enjoy, swimmin' and golfing, and biking, all sports!

Whoo-pee! That, too.

Hey, Quigley, come on, you know, I mean after all,

at your age, sex must be down to a handshake, huh?

Yup! Before and after.

In between, it's still whoo-pee!

Oh, good.

Well, uh, can I, uh, give you a taste of this here?

Oh, no thanks.

I wanna live to be as old as that pork chop.

You know, you keep eatin' that kind of stuff,

and you ain't gonna be long for this world.

Oh, now, let me tell you somethin', Quigley.

What you eat, ain't got nothin' to do with how old you are, see?

That all depends on your ancestors.

It's what they call a matter of heresy, see?

Now, I would bet that you come from a family of long livers.

Hmm, you'd lose that bet, Arch, I'm tellin' you. Looky here.

This is my family tree.

This is my brother, Charlie.

Two hundred and fifty pounds. Loved to eat.

Died, hollering for a waiter.

This short, fat guy, is my uncle Harry,

he had a double funeral.

One of his pallbearers dropped dead carryin' him.

This is fat Aunt Flora. Died at 55.

Hey, Quigley, ain't you got nobody alive in there?

Nope. Aunt Flora just loved Italian food.

Stuffed herself with it till the day she died.

You know what they put on her tombstone? No.

Rest in pizza.

Hey, why, why are you pesterin' me about the food here,

and showin' me all your dead relations?

Because if you were smart, you'd go on a diet and lower your blood pressure

like Dr. Nelson told you to.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Hey, wait a minute there.

How do you know about my Dr. Nelson and my blood pressure?

I know how you know, because Edith sent you over here

and she sent you with them pictures, didn't she?

Bunker, take my advice

and don't wind up just a fat memory in somebody's wallet.

Now, you go stick to your diet,

and you'll live to dance at your grandson's wedding.

Think it over, sonny.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, my! You scared me. It's only me.

Well, I'm home.

I'm home, too.

Had my dinner at Kelcy's.

Hmm.

I had pork chops, macaroni and cheese, French fries,

topped it all off with a piece of lemon meringe pie.

Bicarbs on the counter. Thanks.

I'll say this for Kelsey, he ain't great, but he's fast.

Oh, Archie,

he deep fries everything in that awful old oil.

He changes his oil.

'Bout once every 3,000 meals.

It ain't funny.

Archie, if you're gonna go on eatin' that junk food,

that ain't good for you, I could cook it right here at home.

Don't be raising your voice to me there.

And another thing, don't you never do, what you did tonight.

Sending old Quigley over there to spy on me,

with a whole walletful of fat stiffs.

That there is an invasion of my privates.

Archie, I did that for your own good.

I'll make a deal with you.

If you'll promise not to eat no dinners no more at Kelcy's,

I'll give you more food here at home.

I'll, uh, I'll make you pork chops once in a while.

And... And French fries, once a week.

And... And macaroni, now and then.

And maybe some pie.

Does that mean yes or no?

What do you want to feed me all that fat food for? You wanna kill me, Edith?

Archie, look, I'm all mixed up.

Do you wanna go on a diet? Well, now, listen.

It all depends on you, Edith,

when I start screamin' for the fat food,

you gotta hold back, there. You can't give me that, see?

I mean, the reason it's hard for me to stay on this here diet is,

you are weak.

Well, I'm sorry.

I forgive you, we'll say no more about it.

You gotta help me there, Edith.

'Cause, see, I wanna live to be as old as Quigley.

I wanna be with you, dancin' at our grandson Joey's wedding.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, it'll be so good cookin' for you and getting old.

Easy, Edith, easy, Edith, easy, easy. Don't be slobberin' all over me.

Did you ever stop to figure

how many calories there is in one slobber?

No, how many?

Oh, an awful lot, Edith.

But the hell with it, give me some calories.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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