Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

Ma, did I use this many diapers when I was a baby?

Oh, oh, more. I couldn't keep up with you.

In my sleep I used to dream I was washin' diapers,

and in your sleep, you kept wettin' 'em.

Honey, honey, I got something to tell you!

Wait, wait. First let me kiss you, then I'll tell you.

You have just been kissed by a guy who is gettin' a big promotion,

a more important fellowship.

Oh, Michael!

I'm on my way, honey, and this is the way I'm gonna kiss you

when I'm a professor.

And this is the way you're gonna get kissed when I'm a dean.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

I think the dean is the best kisser.

Honey, tell me what happened.

Oh, well, it's not definite yet,

but remember when Dean Winslow gave me

the highest recommendation in Minnesota?

Well, yeah, but that was months ago. You mean it came through?

Minnesota?

Yeah, Ma. As soon as we hear from Dean Winslow,

we're gonna pack up all our furniture, hop on a plane,

and off we go.

To Minnesota?

Yeah.

Ain't that the place where Mary Tyler Moore

keeps losin' her hat?

Ma, it's beautiful there.

Oh, Rhoda and Phyllis didn't stay there.

Honey, honey, you're gonna love it.

Joey's gonna love it, I'm gonna love it, Minnesota's gonna love it.

The Vikings, Fran Tarkenton, here we come!

Minnesota. Oh, my.

What, Ma?

Oh, nothin', nothin'.

Uh, how far is Minnesota?

Oh, I... I'm not sure.

Oh, as far as that, huh?

Aw, Ma, it's not the other end of the world,

and I'll call you every week,

and I'll write you every day if you want,

and I'll take lots of pictures of Joey and send 'em to you,

and when he says his first words

you can hear 'em on the telephone.

Oh, well, my.

My grandson is already makin' phone calls

and I ain't even seen him crawl.

Oh, you'll see him crawl, Ma. I promise you.

Mike and I'll come visit you as often as we can.

Honey, I figured it out. You know what would be best?

If I flew ahead and I found a place to live.

You can stay here and take care of Joey.

I think you better figure out how you're gonna break this to Archie.

That's no problem, Ma. We just, uh, pick a good time to tell him.

There ain't never no good time

to tell bad news to Archie.

Well, can't you tell him when he comes home?

Oh, no. You can't tell him then 'cause he's hungry.

Well, um, how about after he eats?

You can't tell him then 'cause he's watchin' TV.

Then, after TV.

Oh, no. You can't do it then 'cause he's gettin' ready

to go to bed.

Well, Ma, when do you tell Daddy things?

Well, I guess the only time to tell him is when he's asleep,

but then he... he don't remember.

Well, whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo. Shh, I'll tidy up.

Here we are, back from a little walk in the park.

Me and little Joey boy here.

Okay there, little guy. Time to leave your grandpa

and rejoin your daddy over there.

That's a lesson to you, see. All good things come to an end.

Oh. Oh, Joey. Oh! Oh!

I tell you now. Don't be hollerin' at him, will you?

You'll give him a mental sterosis there.

I ain't even seen you crawl yet.

Oh. Oh, oh my,

you're so sleepy. Gee, what a dingbat thing to say.

How you gonna see him crawl?

He ain't even learned how to slobber yet, yeah?

The only thing he knows how to do good, he's been doin'.

So change him.

People have been runnin' away from us for the last three blocks.

I had to keep smiling so as they wouldn't think it was me.

I'll change him.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'll change him, I'll change him.

Oh, Joey, did you go poo-poo in the park?

Come on, little girl, get rid of the carriage here, huh?

Aw, jeez, the foot. For God's sake. Oh, I'm sorry.

I get through half the traffic in New York

and I gotta get home and get run over in my daughter's livin' room.

Well, did you and Joey have a nice walk in the park?

Ah, well, bein' with Joey was nice, but that park makes me sick.

It's a disgrace, what's goin' on there.

Young couples, wrestlin' in the grass,

doin' things in public that I don't even dare dream about in private.

You know, you're right, Arch. New York is no place to raise a kid.

Oh, it's awful.

Huh. A kid needs to grow up in a place that has fresh air

and wide-open spaces. Ah, you said it.

A place like, uh... Minnesota. Yeah.

Oh, that's a terrific place.

You like it there, huh? Yeah.

We're movin' there.

You're what?

Daddy, Michael's up for a better job in Minnesota.

Yeah, uh, it means more prestige and a lot more money.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait a minute. What the hell is this?

A guy goes out for a little walk with his grandson

and he comes home and finds that all his loved ones, and you,

are all of a sudden movin' down south to Minnesota?

Arch, think of Joey.

Think of how much better it'll be for him away from New York.

What the hell's the matter with New York? It's God's country.

If it wasn't, he wouldn't have put me here.

Come on, Arch, what about all the dirt and the filth?

And what about all those things

that the couples are doin' in the grass?

They do the same things in Minnesota.

Nobody sees 'em at it out there 'cause the grass is higher.

Daddy, it's not your decision to make.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen, listen, little girl.

First of all, first of all, get away from him.

I wanna talk to you. Get over here.

Get over there. Come on.

Now, listen, what do you wanna do?

Do you want to break your darling sweet mother's heart?

Oh, Archie... Shut up.

Break the family up this way? No.

Come on, Arch.

You're the one that's breakin' the family up.

Why are you taking Gloria and Joey away from us?

Because a wife's place is with her husband,

and a kid's place is with his parents.

"A kid's place is with the parents" is right.

That's why Gloria's gonna stay with her parents, us.

Daddy. Don't grab her.

That's my daughter.

I'm not happy about having to move.

No, I believe it. It's his fault.

But if that's where Michael's future is, that's where I belong.

Ain't you got nothin' to say about this?

Well, I... Ah, too long, too long.

The future!

Always about the future. The future's what's wrong with the world today.

There's too much future. There ain't enough past.

People rootin' themselves up, movin' from one city to another.

What is that?

Kids bein' raised by strangers. The mothers are out workin'.

The kids never know the aunts, the uncles, the grandpas.

Nothing like that. Stay out of this.

That's the trouble. They never get to know old people.

And you know why? 'Cause they don't see 'em till they start muggin' 'em.

Look, Arch, I know how you feel.

You know how I feel?

Let me tell you somethin', wise guy. Get away from here.

One of these days,

my little grandson is gonna come walkin' up to you

with tears streamin' out of his little eyes, and he's gonna say to you,

"Meathead,

"how is it that I never had the advantage

"of wise learnin' at my grandpa's knees?"

And you're gonna have to tell him the truth, buddy.

He was kidnapped.

You're not gonna make me feel guilty!

You're a kidnapper. I don't feel guilty!

You're a kidnapper! Don't stay here, Edith!

Good night.

You shouldn't feel guilty.

You ain't doin' nothin' wrong.

You're Joey's father, and you've got a right to kidnap your own son.

You see, Archie and me gotta get used to the idea

that we won't be seein' you no more.

And we won't be watchin' little Joey grow up.

Edith!

Now, don't you feel guilty.

Right?

Come here, come here.

Sit down.

Honey,

this is a great opportunity for us. Think about it.

New job, new friends, new adventures.

That's somethin' to be really happy about, right?

Uh-huh.

Aren't you happy?

Uh-huh.

Honey, uh, "Uh-huh" is not happy.

Happy is, "Ha-ha-ha! Hey!" See the difference?

Uh-huh.

Don't you wanna go to Minnesota?

Oh, sure I do.

But don't you see how much we mean to Ma and Daddy?

I don't think I mean that much to your father.

Well, Joey does.

Oh, Archie'll get over it.

Honey,

let me hear you say, "Michael, I'm with you."

Michael, I'm with you.

Uh... Show me some real enthusiasm.

Michael, I'm with you.

That's better.

Mike.

Oh. Hey, John. Can I see you tomorrow? Sure.

Okay. Hey, how about lunch today?

Sure. Say, I heard you were up for that job in Minnesota.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks a lot.

I'm up for that same job.

Really? Gee, I... I didn't know that, uh...

Well, congratulations to you, too.

I hate competing with a friend. I wish it was somebody else.

Yeah, me, too. But whatever happens, we'll still have lunch today, huh?

Right.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm gonna have some pretty stiff competition.

I mean, uh,

you're qualified and personable and bright and, uh...

And black?

Uh, yeah. Well, that... that too. Uh...

And you're thinkin' that they may pick me over you

because of my color?

Well, John, you know as well as I do that, uh,

according to the law, any university applying for a Federal grant

has to hire minorities. So, in this situation,

your color isn't exactly gonna hurt you.

Ain't that a switch?

Honey, you're probably worrying for no reason.

I mean, there's no guarantee they're gonna pick John Kasten over you.

No, but it's a good bet.

Just because he's black?

Yes. Damn it, it's not fair.

You mean it's not fair for guys like Jon Kasten to get an even break?

But why shouldn't I get an even break?

I mean, why should it be held against me

just because he was lucky enough to be born black?

Did you hear what you just said? That was crazy.

You know who you're starting to sound like? Daddy.

Don't you ever say a terrible thing like that to me.

Not even your father ever said anything that awful to me.

Sorry. One more and we're through.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Suppose I was the paperboy over here?

Come over here 'cause I want to read you something

right out of the alnamac here.

I've been lookin' up Minnesota,

and I found out a few things in here.

Now, this is a hellhole you're taking my family to.

You know what they call Minnesota?

They call it the Gopher State. You know why?

There's a trillion gophers out there.

They all live in holes. They call 'em gophers' holes.

So, little Joey, takin' his first few steps,

he breaks his legs in gophers' holes. You want that?

Gloria, we gotta get a chain for that door.

Yeah. Wait a minute, wait a minute here.

Here's some more about Minnesota.

In the first place, you was wrong. It ain't down south at all.

Minnesota is up north.

Do you know that the snow is belly-high to a big Indian up there?

You know it's 40 degrees below zero up there sometime?

Little Joey could freeze off his fingers and his toes,

not to mention nothin' more important.

Don't laugh over here.

Look, Arch, before you get yourself all worked up,

we may not even be goin' to Minnesota.

There's somebody else up for the job and he happens to be black.

Oh, well, then you're off to Minnesota. A black guy ain't goin' nowheres.

Arch, uh, these days colleges are hirin' blacks over whites.

Well, it is high time.

Too long, colored guys ain't been gettin' an even break there.

Too long, they've been gettin' the short end of the totem pole.

I don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it. You better believe it.

You shouldn't go out there and take a job away from that guy.

Oh, it turns out that you're the guy against the colored.

I never was.

I want to go on record as sayin' something right here and now.

If it was up to me, I'd send every colored guy in New York

to Minnesota.

That I believe.

You know somethin'? Hello?

I am shocked with you. I am shocked with you! Yeah... Hey...

Will you get out of here? Daddy, he's on the phone.

Your husband over there, I'm shocked with this guy

'cause he happens to be a bigot.

What? He's a bigot?

A bigot, yes. And that's the same guy that used to be marchin'

in all the peace riots there. That's right.

That bigot over there won't give an even break to a spade.

Don't shush me again. Thank... Thank you very much, goodbye.

Honey. Honey, that was Dean Winslow's secretary.

He wants to see me in his office first thing Monday morning.

I think I got it! Oh!

I think I beat John Kasten out of that job! Oh!

Aw, listen to this. I can't believe my ears.

A white guy standin' there, bloatin' over taking a job from a colored guy.

That ain't the American way, buddy. No, sirree.

Listen here, Professor. You're the one that needs an American history lesson.

You don't know nothin' about Lady Liberty standin' there in the harbor

with her torch on high, screamin' out to all the nations in the world,

"Send me your poor, your deadbeats, your filthy."

And all 'em nations sent 'em in here.

They come swarming in like ants.

Their Spanish PRs from the Caribouan there,

your Japs, your Chinamen, your Krauts and your Hebes,

and your English fags!

All of 'em come in here! And they're all free to live

in their own separate sections

where they feel safe, and they'd bust your head if you go in there!

That's what makes America great, buddy!

I think we just heard Archie Bunker's Bicentennial Minute.

John. Hey.

I didn't expect to see you here, Mike.

I... I didn't expect to see you either.

I thought when they called me in here, I had the job.

So did I.

Last night, I took my wife out to celebrate.

Sure hope I didn't blow 26 bucks on your good luck.

I... I didn't spend a dime on yours. We stayed home.

It's not that funny, it's just... Yeah, I know.

I'm just as nervous as you are. Maybe more.

I mean, you've been teaching longer than I have,

and... and that's gonna weigh in your favor.

All right, John. Don't count yourself out.

You know you got a big advantage.

But we've always had an advantage.

Yeah, like, when they needed slaves.

They picked a black man every time.

John, you know what I'm talkin' about.

Sure. Reverse discrimination.

All right. So... So, be honest.

If you got this job, and you knew that the main reason

was because you were black, how would you feel?

Beautiful.

Did any white man ever turn down a job

knowin' that the main reason he got it was because he was white?

Well, let me answer that by saying, uh...

I can't think of an answer.

Ah, good morning.

Morning, morning. John, Michael. Hi.

You know, it's good to see you both smiling. Sit, sit.

Now look, I've put in a call to Minnesota

to get their decision.

And I wanted you both here, not so much to congratulate the winner,

as to console the loser, because I'm fond of you both.

And frankly, I'm glad that I don't have to make this decision.

So we're waiting for a phone call, huh? Yeah.

Last time I felt like this, my wife was gonna have a baby.

Except that was a breeze. She did all the suffering.

Yes? Oh, thank you, Harriet. This is it.

This is it.

Hello?

Hello, Howard.

It's Howard.

Huh? Oh, the weather's fine here.

How is it in Minnesota?

It's Howard in Minnesota.

Now look, Howard, I've got two very, very nervous instructors here.

What's your decision?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh-huh.

All right, Howard. He's a good man.

He's gonna be a fine addition to your staff.

He didn't say, "A credit to his race." So it must be you.

Well, yes, I know. I'm losing a good instructor.

But what can you do? I like to see talent move up.

All right. All right, Howard. Take care.

Michael. Yeah.

I'm delighted you're still going to be with us. That's terrible.

John, congratulations. We... We're sorry to lose you.

Oh, thank you, Dean. Thank you very much.

Oh, uh, yeah. Hey, John, congratulations.

Thanks, buddy. Well, you'll excuse me,

I have to break the news to my wife.

Thanks again, Dean. And take it easy, Mike.

Well, I...

Guess I better be goin', too. I got a 9:00 class.

Suicide Prevention.

Wait a minute, Michael. Wait a minute.

I said I was here to console the loser.

Uh, that... that's all right, Dean. I... I don't need any consolation.

I understand why John got the job. I mean,

that's the way things are today.

Michael, look, when you can't decide between two men,

it is important that the minority candidate gets the job.

Now, we know that justice should be perfectly balanced, right?

But that hasn't always been the case.

'Cause every time you favor one group,

an injustice is done to another.

Now, how would... How would you say

the scales have been balanced for the blacks?

Well, lousy, but they shouldn't be balanced against anybody.

That's true. True.

But now, they may have to be for a while, because they've been tipped in our favor

for so long.

Now just possibly, possibly,

it may have to rock both ways

until we arrive at equal opportunity for everyone.

Yeah, well, thanks for the recommendation.

Michael, wait a minute.

You know, you've taken this very well.

I've got something here that's gonna make you feel a little better.

I... I... I couldn't. Yes, yes, kick it.

Come on, kick it. Kick it. Oh, Dean.

Dean, really, I... I, look, I... I'm fine.

I was a little upset before,

but I... I think I'm over it now.

You better hurry up. I made the reservation for 7:30.

Ma, Joey's next feeding is at 8:00. Yeah, all right.

And, Daddy, don't pick him up every time he moves.

Ah, come on, little girl, don't tell me nothin' about babies, will you?

I was a father long before you was born.

Don't worry about nothing.

Just have a good time with the Kastens.

I think it's so nice of you, Mike, to ask him out to dinner,

especially since he got the job.

That shows you're a good loser. Ain't he, Archie?

Oh, yeah, he's a born loser.

But I gotta say this for him, he's a pretty good sport there.

You're really gonna take the colored guy and his wife out for dinner, huh?

Sure, why not? He's still a friend.

Yeah, yeah. Well, listen. You're not the only sport around here.

You know what I was gonna do, if youse really went to Minnesota?

I was gonna pay for the plane fare for all three of you.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, why not? You're the father of my grandchild, ain't you?

You're the husband of my daughter there, ain't you?

You mean, like... like, one of the family.

No, no, jeez.

But you're close.

Thanks a lot. See you later.

- Have a good time. - Good night.

So long. We'll be home early, Ma. Good night, Daddy.

Oh, you stay out as late as you want to.

Oh.

Archie. Oh.

Oh, gee.

Oh, that was so sweet of you. Edith...

Offerin' to pay their plane fare.

Yeah, it was kind of sweet of me, huh?

Oh, my. Did you really mean that?

Certainly not.

But when, uh, bein' generous don't cost you nothin',

well, what the hell, you might as well go all the way, huh?

Oh.

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