Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

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Edith! I'm home!

Hello, Archie!

How was your day?

Terrific, Edith, terrific. Hold the bag there.

What is this?

That is delicatessen from Greenberg's, Edith.

Boy, it's worth your life goin' in there.

The whole tribe of Israel is in there, pushin' and shovin'.

I found myself pushed up against the glass fish counter, you know?

I was eyeball-to-eyeball with a flounder waitin' to get gefilted.

Yeah, but I got dinner already.

Why did you go to the deli?

Edith, because Jewish people

don't often eat what we eat, you see?

Now, we happen to have a Jewish person coming for dinner tonight.

Well, who is it? Do I know him?

You know him well. Bernstein from the watch repair.

You know, I was in gettin' that fixed.

Oh, Mr. Bernstein. Yeah.

Oh, he's such a nice man.

Is he feelin' all right?

Oh, well, you know, still complainin'. He says "oy" a lot.

But he's all right.

Oh, I like Mr. Bernstein.

I'm glad you invited him to dinner.

Why did you invite him?

Because, Edith, Bernstein is gonna make me a millionaire.

What the hell is that?

That's me laughin'.

Yeah, I know it's you laughin'.

That's the way everybody's laughin' at Bernstein,

the way you laughed at me.

Well, go ahead. Let the whole world laugh.

Bernstein is gonna make him and me rich.

How can one poor man make another poor man a rich man?

Edith, with his new little invention.

Yeah. All right, now get the food,

put it in the icebox there,

keep the Gentile food to one side

so that the Jewish food don't lose kosher.

Mmm! That's your pickled herring in there.

I got another kind of herring that's smoked in there,

you got your chopped liver in there,

and you got your gefilte fish balls in there.

The thing about Jewish food is it never smells or looks like when it was alive.

Well, what did Mr. Bernstein invent?

Some new kind of watch?

No, something better than that. Now just listen.

Ain't it wonderful what they're doin' with watches these days?

I saw one on TV that didn't have no hands.

It just had numbers that popped up and blinked at you.

12:01.12:02.12:03.

12:04... Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

I'm sorry, Archie.

When is Mr. Bernstein's invention comin' out?

When a smart backer puts up the money for the patents, Edith.

Archie.

I hope I'm wrong about what I'm thinkin'.

'Cause if I'm right about what I'm thinkin',

I don't like what I'm thinkin'.

Then why don't you quit thinkin'?

It's too hard for you anyhow.

Take a look at that.

Was that a $100 bill on the top?

That is right, Edith. And there's another $100 on the bottom,

and there's eight more of 'em in between.

$1,000 of our money?

Yeah. Sure. That's an investment, Edith.

The money's gonna be workin' for us.

But I don't want our money to work.

I wanted it to relax.

In the bank.

That's half of all the money we got in the whole world.

Archie, you gotta go back there tomorrow morning

and put that back in the bank

and tell 'em you're sorry you took it out.

I ain't gonna do that, Edith.

Why should I put $1,000 in the bank

when I can put it into Bernstein's invention

and turn it into a million?

But why didn't Mr. Bernstein go to the bank for his money

instead of goin' to you?

All right, all right, Edith, let me explain...

No, I don't want to hear it! Quiet!

Wait a minute! Listen!

I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear it!

Listen to me.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Listen to me. The man worked seven years...

I don't care if it's 700 years.

Don't be playin' the dopey monkey on me here!

Now, a husband and wife are supposed to talk everything over.

You said that. Ain't that right?

Yeah. All right.

Now, there's two sides to every question, Edith.

There's a right side, and there's a wrong side.

And I'm here to tell you the right side.

Well, when can I tell you my side?

If my side is the right side,

then the hell with any other side.

Except my side.

All right, will you listen to me, Edith? Listen.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

I... I... I know it took us a long time

to save up $2,311.

I know that looks like a lot of money, but, Edith, think of this.

Suppose I got hurt at work,

or sick, or somethin' like that.

I got laid up. That money would go like that.

But you got all kinds of insurance with your union.

Oh, the hell with that! That don't mean a damn thing!

Life insurance.

It means I can afford to be dead but I can't afford to be sick.

If this thing hits,

and I become a millionaire, jeez,

I mean, Edith, I could have a heart attack and enjoy it.

It's true! I could afford the luxury of the worst disease

you can mention. Mention one.

Is it time for my side?

All right!

All right.

Let me hear your side. But make it quick.

I think you should put that $1,000 back in the bank.

That's one of them birds in the hand.

I'll tell you what a bird will give you in your hand.

That's Bernstein. That's Bernstein. I'll get the door.

Will you take the sour look off your face?

You remind me of your mother.

Hiya there, partner! Come on in!

Come on in, Bernstein, come on in the house here.

And welcome to our home.

And as youse people say, "sha-boom."

And sha-boom to you, Bunker.

And to you, Mrs. Bunker, shalom.

Shalom, Mr. Bernstein.

Oy.

See? There's an "oy." What did I tell you?

I'm not supposed to walk too fast.

Something for after dinner.

Oh, look at that. A bottle.

Little Cherry Heering.

Oh, see how smart them people are?

They can even make wine out of fish.

Anybody can make wine out of grapes.

Yeah. Thank you.

Let me have your coat and your hat.

Yeah. So good to have him here. I... Listen.

I got the smartest partner in the world.

Come here, Edith. Come here. I want to show you somethin'.

Let's do the game for Edith.

Just to show her, huh?

Now, what do you take? Odds or evens?

Evens. Evens. Okay.

One, two, three.

Look at this.

He wins this every single time without fail.

Odds. One, two, three.

See? He wins. All the time. How does he do it?

He always puts out two fingers.

Sit down, Mr. Bernstein.

Come on in. Come on in and sit down.

Yeah, but not in that chair. It's got a saggin' bottom.

So have I. Oh.

Sit over there. That's the nicest chair in the house.

That's Edith's chair.

Thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Bunker, tell me, how's your Timex?

Oh, fine.

And your kitchen Bulova?

Fine. And your daughter's Princess Elgin?

Much better, thank you.

My... My... My Benrus is busting with health.

Edith, come on. Get dinner on. We gotta talk business.

Oh, Archie, couldn't you wait till after dinner?

She's right, she's right. As my father used to say,

"The man who rushes into ventures with his eyes closed

"may wake up with an ugly bride." My father said that.

Does your invention have something to do with a honeymoon?

Will you get your mind out of the drugstore?

Mrs., uh, Bunker, your husband didn't tell you what the invention is?

No, Mr. Bernstein.

But he said that it would cost us $1,000

and Mr. Bernstein, we ain't got that much money...

Dinner, dinner, dinner.

To put into... Edith.

Edith, dinner, dinner, dinner, huh?

Bunker. Bunker.

Maybe we should forget it if your wife is reluctant.

Oh, she just don't want to do it.

Look, don't worry about her, Bernstein,

because I make all of the money decisions in this here house.

Though she did ask me a question. She said,

how is it, Mr. Bernstein, that you come and ask me for the money,

instead of goin' to a bank?

Well, I did, but I didn't have any credit.

Oh, come on, I mean,

I hear on reliable rumor there

that the only banks youse people don't control are the piggy banks.

Bunker, I hate to dispute your very reliable rumor,

but the fact is, of the 20 biggest banks in the country,

not one is owned by Jewish people.

Oh, that's very interesting.

But still, youse people were runnin' banks

when the Morgans and the Rockefellers was tradin' coconuts.

Tell me, how do you celebrate Brotherhood Week?

Well, bein' an only child, I never do.

Let's... Let's stick to business.

Yes, business. Now.

Here is the money for our patents. Right there.

And here is our Bunker-Bernstein

remote control doorbell ringer, huh? Huh, partner?

Oh, terrific.

And here's my verbal handshake on the whole deal.

See, look at that. Can I try it out there, Bernstein?

Why not? You're half an owner.

Oh, boy. When this gets on the market, in one year's time,

the two of us will be livin' high off the hog.

Well, in your case, high off the boiled chicken.

I'll get it!

Watch this now. Watch this, Bernstein.

Oh, the doorbell rang but there's nobody here.

Yeah, that's 'cause the somebody ringin' it is over here.

You mean you rang the bell with that thing?

That is the invention. Ain't that terrific?

Oh.

Well, why would anybody want to sit in their living room

and ring their own doorbell?

Mrs... Mrs. Bunker, let me explain it.

Let's say it's raining and snowing outside,

and you're visiting somewhere.

And you drive up to the house in a car.

Now, wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to get out of the car

and walk through the mud and the slush

only to find out that there's nobody home?

Oh!

Oh, yeah. Well, ain't that a wonderful idea?

Oh, yeah.

Now, wouldn't you invest $1,000 in that idea?

No.

M-Mrs...

No, no, Bernstein, wait, Bernstein.

I know the shortcut to her ears.

I can explain it to her all calm and simple.

We're investin' in that.

But, no, Archie. Yes, we are!

I'm sorry, Mr. Bernstein. That's a beautiful little thing there.

Will you... A million dollars.

Try it out. Try it out yourself. Here.

Aim it at the door and just press that button there.

Go ahead.

Give me the thing.

Every time a woman touches an appliance,

it makes a sound like that.

That ain't true. That is true!

Now watch me, will you? I'll show you how you done it.

That way. The right way is this way, see? Aim it straight there.

With your thumb on the button and...

You got a raspberry, too.

It might be a low-energy impulse

that didn't complete its circuit.

Yeah, that's exactly what it must be, yeah.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go right to the store and fix it.

Yeah, yeah, screw the little eyepiece into your eyeball there,

and get over your bench and fix that right up,

and then come back with it, huh?

Well, maybe he'd like to have a little dinner first.

No, no, he's got to fix it. He don't need no dinner.

Oh, everybody needs dinner.

No, these people don't need to eat.

Oh, Archie.

It is true, Edith. They even made a holiday out of it.

They starve themselves a whole day,

then they fill up on young kippers.

Did I say something?

I thought I heard something,

but I don't know what it was.

Oh. Well, listen, Bernstein.

You fix that thing up. Now, I got faith in you.

And as soon as you're done, come right back, see?

'Cause I ain't worryin', here, Bernstein. I ain't worryin'.

I mean that, Edith. I ain't worryin'.

Well, I am.

You can't put $1,000 in an invention that ain't invented.

Yeah, but it's gonna be, Edith. It's got to be.

Now, come here. Come here. Listen.

Listen, sweetheart, huh? Stay with me on this thing, huh?

I ain't a young guy.

This might be my one chance to be a big winner.

But Archie, that's gamblin'.

Like when you used to play the horses.

No, no, it ain't the same thing.

Now, let me tell you. Look, look.

Edith, something could happen to me.

I could be at work, see, on the loadin' dock...

Oh, you already told me the story about havin' a heart attack.

Yeah, but I want to tell you a worse story.

On the loadin' dock, there, see?

All right, a cable snaps, a crate falls,

and I can't walk for the rest of my life

'cause all my legs is crushed.

Oh, Archie...

That could happen! That could happen, Edith!

I could be up there layin' for God knows how long

and no money comin' in.

And you! Jugglin' bedpans.

Oh, Archie!

While you stand there and argue with a cripple.

Oh, I'll get it!

Hold it. That's Bernstein, Edith, Edith, Edith.

I'll get that. That's Bernstein.

Get back, get back. He's scared of you.

Oh, there ain't nobody here.

Yes, there is there. Across the street.

He's ringin' it from across the street,

and that time it didn't go...

I guess it works.

It works. Come on, Bernstein. Come on in.

It works! It works! It works! I knew you were gonna fix it.

It came to me in a flash, what was wrong.

It works! It works! We're rich! We're rich!

I tell you, partner! We're rich!

I knew you were gonna fix it. Rich! Rich! Rich!

? If I were a rich man

? Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum

? All day long I'll biddy-biddy-bum

? If I were a wealthy man ?

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh!

Oh, oh, hey, hey.

Sit down.

Gee, what happened, to you partner, there, huh?

No, no, I'm all right.

It's just...

Just a little excitement. Don't worry about it.

Can I get you something? No.

Some tea, maybe? Booze, booze.

Or some booze?

Maybe. Maybe a little of that Cherry Heering.

Right away. Yeah, yeah, get the herring in the bottle there, Edith.

Come here, come here. No, no, sit down.

I'll be all right. You'd better sit down.

No, you make yourself comfortable. This time, right in the main chair,

the special chair of the house, there.

This is your chair? Yeah. Hey, listen.

Would you believe Sammy Davis himself sat in that chair?

Oh, what do you know?

Well, my tuckus finally made the big time.

I see you're takin' pills. Listen.

If you're not feelin' good,

we got a lot of Arm & Hammer in the kitchen there.

Here's your Cherry Heering, Mr. Bernstein.

Yeah, jolt of the old herring. That'll bring you back to life.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Irene.

Yeah, our doorbell rang. It was...

Yours rang, too?

And the Wiedermeyers'?

And the Hefners'?

And the Berquists'?

Irene, don't worry. I think I know what's the matter.

I'll call you later. Yeah. Bye.

Mr. Bernstein,

I guess your doorbell ringer rings,

but it rings all over the block at the same time.

Hey, wait a minute. What are you doin' that for?

Well, until I fix it, I don't think I should really hold your money.

Hands off it, Edith. Hands off. Hands off the money.

Look, Bernstein. What do you think is the matter?

Well, it worked in Woodhaven and College Point.

I wonder if the ionosphere is different here in Astoria.

It could be. The neighborhood's changed a hell of a lot.

I'll try and fix it.

Well, listen, it means everything in the world to the two of us,

so don't just try. Fix it, Bernstein.

Listen, Bunker, let's face it.

It's possible that people like you and me

were never meant to be rich.

Oh, never say that.

Why the hell not? It's true.

Like my Tante Malka used to say,

there are two kinds of losers:

schlemiels and schlimazels.

A schlemiel goes through life spilling soup,

and a schlimazel is the guy he spills it on.

So I'm the schlemiel,

and you're the schlimazel.

No, no.

And sometimes Archie's the schlemiel

and I'm the schlimazel.

Oh, shh!

Oh! Mr. Bernstein! Mr. Bernstein!

Hey, hey! Oh, yeah. Put him on the sofa.

Hey, you better get over and sit down here.

Shall I call your doctor? Yeah. Get on the sofa.

What is your doctor's name? What's the number? What's the number there?

The number's on the bottle there. Yeah. Right. Dr. Levine.

Yeah. Are you all right there?

It's just the excitement, you know.

Yeah, you was dancin' over here and everything else.

Well, who could blame you for bein' excited? Listen.

When this thing gets on the market

and we make our million,

why, you'll be able to spit on the world.

With my luck, it'll be in a high wind and I'll get it back.

Don't say that. Hey, come on.

Put your feet up on the couch here.

No, no, the shoes will dirty the couch.

Don't worry about the shoes dirtyin' nothin'. Wait a minute.

Let me get the pillow there, behind your head.

Now you... Oh, the coat over you. Yeah.

You always got to cover up a lyin'-down man.

See?

Yeah, Doctor.

Oh, I will, Doctor.

Thank you, Doctor.

Mr. Bernstein,

Dr. Levine is comin' right over.

He says you gotta lay still

and be very, very quiet.

Oh, you're gonna be all right.

You gotta get well

so you can fix your doorbell ringer so it rings

one door at a time.

I think it's a wonderful idea, Mr. Bernstein.

It's your dream and you gotta follow it.

Mrs. Bunker,

for you I'd like to make the bells ring all over the world

like Christmas Eve.

I'll get some tea.

Booze, Edith. Some booze.

Well, now, listen. While she's gettin' that, just cheer up.

Hey, I'll tell you what we do.

We play the game, huh?

What do you take? Odds or evens?

Evens. Okay.

One, two, three.

Well, now, that ain't supposed to happen, there.

Congratulations. I lose.

Oh, Bernstein, the doctor's comin' over.

He'll take care of you. Tomorrow, you'll be jumpin' around like a boy.

We'll play the game again, and you'll win again, just like always.

Bernstein?

Hey, Edith. Edith!

Here's your tea, Mr. Bern...

Aw, no, Edith. The doctor will be here,

and work on him and bring him around.

Well, uh,

maybe I'd better go out on the... on the porch

and wait for the doctor.

You know, this... This... this porch is

really awful, Edith, you know?

It's a disgrace. It needs a coat of paint so bad.

Maybe the first thing in the mornin' I ought to go down to the...

You know...

He was a nice old man.

Oh, sure he was. Sure he was.

What was his first name?

Gee, I... I don't know.

You think you could fix that yourself?

Oh, no, Edith.

No, not without him.

I ain't smart enough for that.

But then, who knows?

It probably wouldn't have been a big seller anyhow.

You know the way people are.

They'd just as soon come up to the door and knock.

It's cold out here.

Yeah, it's cold out here, Edith. It's cold.

It's cold.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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