Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

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Aw, Joey.

I'm sorry. Dinner's over.

Cafeteria's closed.

Shh, honey.

How about if I sang you a song, huh?

Would you like your mommy to sing to you?

Let me see, uh...

How about if I sing you a song I learned in kindergarten?

Okay, sweetheart? Uh...

? Alice, where are you going?

Upstairs to take a bath

? Alice, with legs like toothpicks

? And a neck like a giraffe

? Raff, raff, raff, raff

? Alice stepped in the bathtub

? Pulled out the plug and then

? Oh, my goodness! Oh, my soul!

? There goes Alice down the hole!

? Alice, where are you going?

? Glub, glub, glub ?

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hey, did Al and Trudy get in yet?

Yeah, they're gonna be here very soon.

They called from the airport about an hour ago.

I know those two are kooks,

but it beats me why they're gettin' married on New Year's Eve.

Why not? If their wedding night is dull

at least you got the Rose Bowl Game to look forward to.

What kind of percolator did you get 'em?

I didn't get 'em a percolator.

I got 'em a hibachi.

A hibachi?

Yeah, you know, it's one of those Japanese gadgets

for burnin' dinners indoors.

I thought we decided to get 'em a percolator.

Honey, they'll probably get five percolators.

Who's gonna buy 'em a hibachi?

No one, 'cause it's a dumb gift.

Michael, Al and Trudy are our best friends,

and when we decide what we're getting 'em for a wedding present,

then you got no right to change my mind for me.

I mean, I thought our marriage was a partnership.

It is.

Honey, if you would have been there

you would have said to get the hibachi.

How do you know I would have said that?

Because I know you, honey!

A husband knows a wife after six years of marriage.

He knows what she thinks and what she feels.

I could hear you sayin',

"Honey, let's not get 'em a percolator.

"Let's get 'em that adorable little orange hibachi."

You sounded very excited when you said it.

If you know what I think and what I feel,

then you should know I like to be asked.

All right, all right.

I'll take the hibachi back and get 'em a percolator.

Don't bother.

Knowing you, you'd come back with a Roto-Rooter.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

Our marriage is a partnership,

and we do do things together.

It's always been half and half with us.

Oh, you'd better see what's wrong.

Maybe he's hungry or wet.

I fed my half. You diaper yours.

All right.

Hey, Joey.

How you doin'? You all right?

What's the matter, you wet?

You got such a limited vocabulary.

Hey, Gloria, he's dry.

Good.

You know, I really feel sorry for babies.

When they cry, you never know what's botherin' them.

It would be great if a baby could say,

"Attention, please.

"I need a bit of nourishment."

Or, "Excuse me, I seem to have done it in my didee again."

You're crazy.

Hey, honey, I'm sorry about the hibachi.

You should be.

From now on, any decision I make,

I consult you first.

I'm through givin' orders in this house.

Get the door.

It could be Al and Trudy! I gotta hide the gift!

Well, hurry. Put it in there.

Yeah, all right. Hurry up, Michael.

You got it? Yeah, open the door.

All right.

Gloria! Trudy!

Hiya, Trudy, how long's it been?

Where is he? Where's the nut-boy!

Oh, you're a nut-boy! You're a nut-boy!

You're a nut-boy!

I love him! I love this man!

I love him!

Remember Camp Nehoc?

Who could forget?

Nehoc, Nehoc, we love you.

To bunk 10 we will be true.

Campfires, cookouts, color war.

Arts and crafts and much, much more.

To the golden violet, we love you Nehoc, oh, you bet.

Good!

Camp Nehoc, is that an Indian name?

No, the camp was owned by a Jewish guy.

Nehoc is Cohen spelled backwards.

We had some great times there, didn't we?

Great times!

Hey, remember the time we got lost in the woods?

We were really roughing it. Oh, yeah.

24 hours, we didn't have any food, we had no water...

No toilet paper.

Right, with those leaves, it was really roughing it.

I hate to tell you where we got poison ivy.

You told us. Camp Nehoc.

Oh, the baby.

I'm dying to see him. There he is, there he is.

Mike, you know, I just can't picture you with a baby.

You know? I didn't think you had it in you.

I didn't. She did.

Oh, isn't he a little doll?

I just can't wait till we have our own.

Well, you're gettin' married tonight,

so with any luck at all, you only have to wait nine months.

Seven.

We ran out of luck.

Her? You? Two? Oh, Trudy, I think it's wonderful!

You crazy nut-boy! Tell me again!

You're a nut-boy! That's terrific!

Isn't it?

Oh, sure, sure. We couldn't be happier about it.

We planned on having the baby.

In 1979.

But what the heck. He'll be a little older, a little sooner.

And we'll be a little wiser a little later.

Oh, I think it's great.

Come on in the kitchen, Trudy, I made a fresh pot of coffee.

This place is beautiful.

Oh, Gloria, do you ever see Rosalind Mossman?

Rosalind Mossman?

I haven't thought of her in ages!

Remember how we all used to envy her?

Why?

She was the first girl in our class to wear a brassiere.

She went straight from slip to D-cup.

Never needed a training bra.

Training bra?

From what I heard, she could have used a whip and a chair.

Down, boy! Down!

You're a nut-boy! You're a nut-boy!

Remember what happened to her in gym class?

She stood on her head and almost smothered to death.

Trudy, I can't tell you how happy I am to see you two.

You're my favorite people in the whole world.

If it weren't for you and Mike I never would have met Trudy.

And you know, the funny thing is

we were never tryin' to play matchmaker.

When we introduced you two guys,

we never figured you'd hit it off.

It was love at first sight.

But Gloria was married to you,

I had to settle for Trudy.

You're a nut-boy!

Tell me again. You're a nut-boy.

I love this guy. I love him. I love this guy.

Hey, Mike, before I forget,

I want you to read some inspirational words at the ceremony.

I got a perfect quotation already picked out.

Right, honey? Yeah, it's beautiful.

Great advice on how to make a marriage work.

Oh, it sounds terrific. Who wrote it?

Henry VIII.

It tells you how to cut 'em off right before the property settlement.

Ooh, you're a nut-boy!

Tell me again. You're a nut-boy.

I love him. I love this guy.

Oh, Al, look at the time.

Shouldn't we be getting ready for the wedding?

Hey, you're right. Let's go.

Well, take your coffee with you.

Okay. Hey, listen, what time will you be able to get there?

Well, the hotel's only four blocks away.

We'll walk. We'll be there 8:30 sharp.

Okay, great. All right. Where do we go?

Where's the bedroom?

When you're in love,

any room is the bedroom.

Nut-boy. Nut-boy.

That's great. I love that guy.

Isn't that terrific, honey?

Our best friends gettin' married.

And you know, they're perfect for each other, just like the two of us.

What's the matter?

Michael, we can't be at the wedding at 8:30,

'cause I told the babysitter to be here at 9:00.

I called the babysitter and I told her to get here at 8:00.

It'll give us more time at the party.

I can't be ready by 8:00.

And why did you go and change all the plans without consulting me?

I told you, I thought you'd like to get there early.

Do me a favor, don't do my thinking for me, huh?

I want you to respect my brain.

Stop treating me like a dumb blonde.

I don't treat you like a dumb blonde.

And, hey, I do, I have the highest respect for your brain.

Ha!

You always told me you married me

because you liked the way my back pockets jiggled when I walked away.

Honey, I was kidding.

No, you weren't.

It wasn't my brain you married me for, it was my jiggle.

Uh, honey, that's not true.

That's not true, that's not true.

There were other things besides the way you jiggled in the back.

What, the way I jiggled in the front?

You do look good comin' or goin'.

Respect. I want respect, Michael Stivic.

Respect? You want respect?

You've got it. I respect you.

I mean, I want you to respect my brain.

I do respect your brain.

I love your brain.

It's gorgeous.

It should be in a sweater.

This is a very serious subject for me, Michael Stivic.

Now, I wanna be in on all the decisions that take place in this marriage.

All right, you'll be a part of all the decisions.

I won't make any decisions without consulting you.

Get dressed for the wedding.

Uh... Uh, that is, I mean,

if you agree that you should get dressed for the wedding.

If you don't agree that you should get dressed, then we'll discuss it.

That is, if you agree that we should discuss it.

Uh, if you don't agree that you should get dressed,

we'll consult your brain first.

I wanna bow to its judgment.

The decision is yours.

There's the doorbell. Wait a mo...

Who should get the door?

That's a big decision. Do you wanna get the door,

or should I get the door?

I wanna consult your brain

on every decision.

Answer the door, Michael.

Good decision. I like it.

I like it very much.

Mrs. Henshaw, you're early, but come on in.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, you look pretty.

Yeah, you always get this dressed up to baby-sit on New Year's Eve?

Mike, I'm afraid I can't sit tonight.

Oh, but we were counting on you.

Oh, well, I'm very sorry,

but you see, my son Larry is very depressed

because it's New Year's Eve and he's got no place to go,

so I'm gonna take him out and show him a good time.

But Ma and Daddy have already gone out to a New Year's Eve party,

and, well, we don't have anybody else to call.

Well, I'm sorry, but Larry has to come first.

Oh, you'll understand one day.

Now that you've got a little boy of your own.

Mrs. Henshaw, your little boy is 35 years old.

34.

I have an idea. Why don't you bring Larry over here?

Oh, that wouldn't be any fun for him.

No, I'm gonna take him to a church dance,

and maybe I can pick out a nice girl for him.

Well, you all will have to excuse me

because I've got a cab waiting outside.

I'm really awful sorry, but happy New Year!

Yeah, happy New Year, Mrs. Henshaw.

Happy New Year.

Oh, Michael!

What are we gonna do now? I don't know.

Honey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go to the wedding?

I'll stay home and baby-sit.

Oh, no.

No, that wouldn't be right.

You're Al's best man.

You're Trudy's matron of honor.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

Al would be so disappointed if you didn't go.

You're right. I'll get dressed.

Wait a minute.

Are you actually going?

Well, you just told me to go.

But you should know I didn't really mean it.

Then why'd you say it?

I was just trying to be nice.

All right, we'll both stay home.

Oh, Joey, don't cry.

I'd better take him upstairs and see if he can go to sleep.

Well, here comes the bride and groom.

In just a few hours, Trudy and I become three.

How do we look?

You look beautiful.

Michael, you'd better tell 'em the bad news.

Yeah. What bad news?

Guys, sit down for a second.

The babysitter conked out on us.

We can't go to the wedding.

Oh, no!

Mike, you've got to be there.

That's one of the reasons we flew into town.

Hey, maybe you could bring Joey to the wedding.

He's only two weeks old.

Besides, he doesn't know anybody there.

What's a wedding without a best man?

Or a matron of honor?

Hey, wait a second, wait a second.

How many people in the wedding party?

Well, just the family. With you and Gloria, eight all together.

Why, what are you thinking?

Why don't we have the wedding right here?

Here? MIKE: Yeah!

There's no reason we couldn't, right?

Is it okay with you, Trudy?

Fine! Mike, will it be all right with Gloria?

Don't worry about Gloria, it's fine with her.

We'll just go to the hotel, get everybody, everything, we'll be back in an hour.

Great! Terrific!

This is such a great idea. You're crazy. You're a nut-boy.

You know what? What?

You're a nut-boy. Tell me again.

Oh, you're a nut-boy!

I love him! I love this man!

Save some of that for the bride.

Okay, let's go. So long.

Hey, Gloria, come on down.

Oh, go to Northern Boulevard, turn right, it's four blocks.

You're a nut-boy. Tell me again.

You're a nut-boy. I love him!

I love that guy.

Honey. GLORIA: What?

Wait till you hear. Great news. Great news.

What? Oh, you found a baby-sitter.

No, I found a wedding.

We're gonna have the wedding right here.

Here? MICHAEL: Yeah!

In our house? That's right.

When? Right away.

Al and Trudy are going to get everybody and all the stuff,

they're bringing 'em right here in a few minutes.

Isn't that a great idea?

Who's great idea was that?

Mine.

Michael, what have you done to me?

I have a whole sink full of dirty dishes in here.

And I can't get dressed and take care of Joey

and run a wedding at the same time!

Michael!

For once and for all, will you stop making decisions for me?

That's enough hitting!

No more hitting.

Now, let's calm down here.

This is New Year's Eve,

our best friends are gettin' married.

Now, I don't think we should be fighting.

I don't believe...

Gloria, I said I don't want any fighting.

We'll call a truce, for 24 hours,

we'll pick it up New Year's Day.

I'll set the alarm,

when it rings, you wake up,

you tell me "Happy New Year," you punch me in the stomach.

Happy New Year!

She couldn't wait for the alarm to ring.

How can I make you understand?

When you invited them to bring the wedding here,

did that give you pleasure?

Yes, it did.

Then why didn't you allow me to share in that pleasure?

Because I knew you would feel the same way I did.

Yeah, but why didn't you let me feel the same way you did

at the same time you did?

I don't believe this.

I don't believe this!

A few hours ago, we had a big problem,

we couldn't go to our best friends' wedding, right?

I make one little decision,

the problem is solved, the wedding is coming here.

And now you're making a problem out of the solution.

The trouble is, it's always you who's making those little decisions.

You get it?

You know what?

Underneath that veneer of the liberal thinker

lies a domineering man.

Me?

Me, I'm domineering, huh?

The man who just vacuumed the entire living room?

Oh... You're calling me domineer...

Gloria, every decision I make,

I make with your best interests at heart.

I am thinking about you 100% of the time.

Hey, do me a favor, okay?

Think of me 50% of the time,

and leave me the other 50% to think.

Because you're choking me with your 100%.

You hear that? Choking me!

Hello. Welcome...

Trudy, that's beautiful.

Thank you so much.

It was his idea, this nut-boy!

Mike, Mike, you know my parents?

Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, sure.

This is my sister-in-law, Anita. Hi, Anita.

And my brother, Jack. Hi, Jack.

Uh, please, never say that to an airline pilot.

He gets his sense of humor from his daddy.

Who gets the booze?

Oh, let me take that, Trudy.

Put the food over there on the table,

and then everybody have a seat.

All right, I'll get the plates.

Anita, Jack, come on, sit down over here. Thank you.

I didn't know you became an airline stewardess.

The last time I saw you, you were going to college.

Oh, I was. I mean, I studied very hard.

I got my diploma.

And now I'm showing people where the toilet is at 30,000 feet.

But at least I know where my husband is nights.

Gloria.

You look wonderful.

How does it feel to be a mother?

20 pounds lighter.

Well, honey, Al and our little Trudy

will have one of their own in another few years.

Or maybe even sooner.

It can't be soon enough for me.

Oh, I'm so glad you feel that way.

Trudy, you need any help? Yes.

I love my nosegay.

Gloria.

Ooh, I can't tell you how happy I am that we're all together tonight.

You know something, Gloria?

When I asked Trudy if it was okay to have the wedding here,

she couldn't say yes fast enough.

Oh, so you asked Trudy what she thinks, huh?

Of course, we're a team.

Just like you and Mike.

Oh, yeah, we're a team, all right.

He calls all the plays, and I'm the jiggling backfield.

Isn't she cute?

Honey, don't you think you should find out

if the guests would like something to drink?

Uh, you mean "we," right?

I meant "we."

Of course you did. 'Cause just like Al said,

we're a team, we're pals.

Just like David and Goliath.

My funny girl.

Jack, Anita, what can I get you?

Scotch rocks. Oh, make it two.

Coming right up. I'll get it.

Would you two relax and have a good time, please?

Oh, but... That's right, you're our guests tonight.

That's nice. That's nice.

Al, what time's the minister getting here?

He should be here any minute.

Hey, who'd you get, Trude, Reverend Felcher?

Yeah, but he came down with the flu,

so we had to get somebody else at the last minute.

Oh, how'd you get someone so fast?

Out of the Yellow Pages. No.

Sure. You got your preacher out of a phone book?

Of course!

I hope he's a preacher.

If you read it wrong, we might be getting married by a plumber.

He'd better be a preacher, we can't afford a plumber. You know?

You're a nut-boy. Tell me again.

You're a nut-boy.

I love you guys. Who gets a Scotch rocks?

Mr. and Mrs. Tannen, Ma and Daddy are gonna be so upset

they didn't get a chance to see you.

Oh, I didn't think Archie cared that much for us.

Well, why would you say that?

Well, we stopped by a couple of times at night

and rang the doorbell and no one answered.

Well, they probably weren't home.

No. No. The curtains moved a little.

And then the lights went out.

Hey, that must be the minister.

It's almost time. Don't get nervous. This is the moment.

Reverend.

Oh, no. Reverend? No. I'm the baby-sitter.

Mrs. Henshaw, is something wrong?

Well, Larry suddenly got invited to a party and stood me up.

So, I figured I might as well come over and sit for you.

Oh, well, we don't need you to baby-sit now.

He decided to have the wedding here.

Congratulations.

I always thought you two were married.

I guess it was the baby gave me that idea.

Mrs. Henshaw, it's my best friends who are getting married.

Our best friends. Our.

Well, here I am,

all dressed up and no place to go.

I love weddings.

Do you have someone to sing Oh, Promise Me?

There won't be any music at the wedding.

Oh.

Well, I just live a few blocks away.

I suppose I could walk home and risk rape.

You'll be all right, Mrs. Henshaw.

Mrs. Henshaw, why don't you stay?

Oh, thank you.

You don't mind, do you? Al? Trudy? Oh, no.

Can I get you something to drink? How about a little white wine?

A double zombie.

Well, you'll have to show me how to make that.

And how to survive it.

Hi, I'm Reverend Harris.

Reverend. Yes, the man we've been waiting for.

Everybody, the reverend's here.

How do you do? This is my fiance, Trudy.

These are my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Tannen.

My brother Jack, his wife, Anita.

Listen, we want to get married before midnight

so I can claim her as a tax deduction.

You ride a motorcycle, Reverend?

You know what they say. The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Well, when do you two guys want to start the ceremony?

Well, there isn't any hurry.

Oh, yes, there is, darling. The sooner, the better.

My best man's gonna read a quote at the end of the ceremony.

That's fine.

Oh, now, where did I put that?

Oh, I know where it is. I'll get it for you, dear. Thanks, honey.

Well, I guess we're ready to begin.

Excuse me, young lady, would you mind having a seat over there, please?

Sure, hon.

Okay, let's see. I need the... Let's see... Right here...

Okay, and I need the best man right here.

And the matron of honor, please? Oh, I'm coming!

I'm coming.

Here you are, Michael, your quotation. Oh, thanks, honey.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to be open to feeling joy and happiness

at the union of these two really far-out people.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join together Alphonse and Gertrude,

in the bonds of holy matrimony,

a sacred trust in the eyes of God.

Do you, Alphonse...

Do you, Alphonse,

take this woman, Gertrude, to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you, Gertrude, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

I believe the best man now has a few words he would like to read

on this beautiful occasion.

Uh... This isn't the right quote.

You gave me the wrong book.

I'm aware of that. I decided for you that, uh...

That this one would be better.

You see, after you've been married for six years,

you know how your husband thinks.

So go ahead and read it. I know you'll like it.

May we...

May we please proceed with the ceremony?

Um...

"Sing and dance together and be joyous,

"but let each one of you be alone.

"Even as the strings of a lute are alone

"though they quiver with the same music.

"And stand together,

"yet not too near together."

Where have I heard this before?

You read it at our wedding.

"For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

"and the oak tree and the cypress

"grow not in each other's shadow.

"For if one tree tries to overshadow the other,

"then that one will wither and die."

Here are the rings.

By the powers vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, honey.

Oh, sorry!

? Promise me that someday

? You will love... ?

All in the Family was recorded on tape

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