Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

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HI, MA. OH, HI.

I THINK I GOT ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED FOR THE PARTY TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, GLORIA.

GEE, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A MORTGAGE BURNING PARTY.

WELL, IT AIN'T JUST FOR THAT.

WE'RE CELEBRATIN' MIKE'S GRADUATIN' AND GETTIN' A JOB, TOO.

YEAH, I THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE A GREAT COLLEGE INSTRUCTOR.

OH, YEAH, HE KNOWS SO MUCH.

EVEN ARCHIE SAID YOU CAN'T TELL THAT GUY NOTHIN'.

I WONDER WHO DADDY'S GONNA USE AS A TARGET WHEN WE MOVE OUT.

OH, GLORIA,

PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT MOVIN' OUT.

WELL, MA, IT HAD TO HAPPEN SOMETIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, BIRDS GOTTA FLY.

YEAH, FISH GOTTA SWIM.

BUT I WAS HOPIN' YOU'D BE FLYIN' AND SWIMMIN' AROUND HERE

A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

WELL, WE'LL STILL BE IN THE CITY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I KNOW.

GLORIA, ARE YOU EATING THAT BATTER?

NO, MA.

THROUGH THE MOUTH AND OVER THE TONGUE.

HELLO, STOMACH. YUMMY-YUM-YUM.

GLORIA.

OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A PLACE OF YOUR OWN,

SO WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD?

OH, MA, YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

HEY, I BET MORTGAGE BURNING IS AN OLD CUSTOM, HUH?

YEAH, YEAH.

IN MY FAMILY,

THE LAST ONE I WENT TO WAS COUSIN HENRY'S.

OH, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

COUSIN HENRY GOT SO DRUNK, HIS WIFE NEVER FORGAVE HIM.

WHY, FOR GETTING DRUNK ON A DAY LIKE THAT?

NO, FOR SETTIN' FIRE TO THE HOUSE WHEN HE LIT THE MORTGAGE.

WE HAD TO CELEBRATE THE REST OF THE PARTY

ON THE OUTSIDE WITH THE FIREMEN.

WHOOP-DEE-DOO, HERE I AM!

WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU?

ARCHIE. HEY.

CONGRATULATIONS! HERE WE ARE.

WELL, HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.

THE BUNKER MORTGAGE.

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE FOR US.

FROM NOW ON, WE OWN THE WHOLE JOINT.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. HUH, HUH.

20 YEARS.

YEAH.

OH, ARCHIE.

DO YOU REMEMBER, YOU CARRIED ME ACROSS THE DOORSTEP?

YEAH, SURE I DO.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID WHEN I CARRIED YOU OVER?

YEAH, YOU SAID, "WATCH YOUR HEAD, DINGBAT,

OR YOU'LL KNOCK YOUR BRAINS OUT."

YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS.

BRING A BEER, HUH?

YEAH, SURE. RIGHT AWAY.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THIS IS ALL OURS!

I'M PROUD OF YOU, DADDY.

YEAH, WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T YOU BE?

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHIN', LITTLE GIRL?

IT WAS YOU THAT TURNED OUR HOUSE INTO A HOME.

AW, THANKS.

THEN YOU MARRIED THE MEATHEAD AND HE TURNED IT INTO AN ALL-NIGHT DINER.

YOU CAN NEVER BE NICE WITHOUT SPOILING IT!

WHAT DID I SAY?

WELL, YOU CAN'T PICK ON HIM ANYMORE,

BECAUSE HE'S OUT LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT RIGHT NOW.

BUT IT'S BEEN 2 WEEKS.

WHY CAN'T HE FIND NOTHIN'?

DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE HIDIN' THE BUILDINGS WHEN THEY SEE HIM COMIN'.

HERE'S YOUR BEER.

THIS IS NEW YORK, DADDY. LEAVE IT THERE.

IT'S HARD FOR US TO FIND A PLACE WE CAN AFFORD.

WELL, LET HIM TRY OVER IN JERSEY.

THAT WOULD MEAN HE'D BE LIVIN' AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY FROM WHERE HE WORKED.

WELL, LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE. HE'D BE 3 HOURS FROM US.

HI. HI, MIKE.

HI, HONEY. TRY JERSEY.

HUH?

FORGET HIM.

DON'T TELL ME, LET ME GUESS.

NO LUCK. OH, PLENTY OF LUCK, ALL BAD.

THE PROBLEM IS, OUR INCOME I-I-IS TOO LOW FOR PRIVATE DEVELOPMENTS,

TOO HIGH FOR CITY HOUSING.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A CUT IN WAGES AND MOVE INTO THE SLUMS?

FUNNY.

TROUBLE WITH YOU, MEATHEAD, IS YOU GOT THINGS TOO SOFT THERE.

EDITH AND ME, WE DIDN'T HAVE THINGS SOFT WHEN WE WERE STARTIN' OUT.

ASK HER. WE DIDN'T LIVE WITH MY FAMILY.

NO, WE WAS LIVIN' WITH MINE.

SHUT UP.

MIKE, DID YOU LOOK AT THE PLACE NEAR THAT MARKET?

YEAH, MA, BUT IT'S NOT A SAFE NEIGHBORHOOD.

BUT THE AD SAID IT WAS A SECURITY BUILDING.

YEAH, THAT MEANS IT'S A SHORT SCREAM FROM THE POLICE STATION.

I'LL GET THAT.

SOMETHING TELLS ME, MEATHEAD, THAT YOU

AREN'T REALLY LOOKIN' HARD FOR AN APARTMENT.

ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?

I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE SO BAD I CAN TASTE IT.

OH, YOU'D DO ANYTHING IF YOU COULD TASTE IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT FROM YOU ANYMORE, ARCH. I GOT A JOB NOW.

OH, YEAH. JEEZ, I KEEP FORGETTIN', HE'S WORKIN' NOW.

YEAH, AND IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT JOB, TOO, TEACHIN'.

I THINK HE'S GONNA TEACH THE COLOREDS AND THE PUERTO RICANS TO BE POLACK.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO MISS MOST.

YOUR ELOQUENT VERBALIZATION OF TOTAL ABSURDITY.

AND I DIDN'T FINISH HIGH SCHOOL NEITHER.

MICHAEL, THAT WAS THE REAL ESTATE AGENT.

WE HAVE THE CHANCE OF AN APARTMENT, BUT $240 A MONTH, 4 ROOMS.

$240! LET'S GO!

THIS IS IT, ARCH. THIS IS IT.

BY THE END OF THIS WEEK,

YOU WON'T HAVE MIKE STIVIC TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE.

WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' IN THE KIDS' BEDROOM?

OH, NOTHING.

I WAS JUST THINKIN' OF ALL THE NIGHTS I'VE SPENT UP HERE

SINGIN' TO GLORIA TO TRY TO MAKE HER GO TO SLEEP.

YOU COULD NEVER FIGURE IT OUT.

THAT'S WHAT WAS KEEPING HER AWAKE.

ARCHIE.

I AM GONNA MISS HER.

OH, WELL, I KNOW, EDITH.

BUT YOU KNOW, THERE IS AN OLD SAYIN',

BIRDS GOTTA FLY, FISH GOTTA FRY.

SWIM. YEAH, THAT, TOO.

I GUESS IT AIN'T SO HARD FOR A FATHER AS IT IS FOR A MOTHER.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN'? I DON'T LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL?

OH, NO, ARCHIE. IT'S JUST THAT...

THIS IS WHERE SHE USED TO CRY ON MY SHOULDER.

AND SHARE HER LITTLE SECRETS WITH ME.

DON'T START!

I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN THIS ROOM.

ALL RIGHT. I DONE TIME HERE, TOO.

AND WHEN SHE WAS SICK,

WHEN SHE HAD THE MUMPS I WAS UP HERE ALL THE TIME.

WELL, I SPENT THE WHOLE OF THAT TIME UPSTAIRS, TOO.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU CAUGHT 'EM FROM HER.

LET ME TELL YOU, DON'T LOOK BACK.

LOOK AHEAD. LOOK AHEAD.

TO WHAT?

TO THE TIME WHEN THIS BEDROOM BECOMES MY DEN.

FIRST THING WE DO IS WE SELL THE KIDS' BED HERE

AS SOON AS IT COOLS DOWN.

AND I FIGURE MAYBE WE PUT A LITTLE FIREPLACE RIGHT OVER THERE.

BUT, ARCHIE, THIS ROOM AIN'T GOT NO CHIMNEY.

I DON'T MEAN THE OLD-FASHIONED KIND FOR BURNING THERE, EDITH.

I MEAN THE NICE, NEW, MODERN ONE THERE, YOU KNOW.

A BEAUTIFUL PLASTIC LOG AND A RED BULB IN THE MIDDLE.

AND THEN I FIGURE WE... WE DO THE WHOLE ROOM OVER

IN THAT BEAUTIFUL NEW STIMULATED WOOD PANELING.

OH, THERE'S MIKE AND GLORIA BACK!

WITH A LEASE IN THEIR POCKETS, I HOPE.

THE PLACE WAS FILTHY.

YEAH, IT WAS THE WORST ONE YET.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, OH, OH, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT!

DID YOU TRY JERSEY?

IT'S TERRIBLE, MA.

IT WAS DIRTY AND TINY AND $280 A MONTH.

WHO WOULD RENT A PLACE LIKE THAT?

I SAW A RAT THIS BIG ON THE STAIRS.

SURE HE WAS ON THE STAIRS. WHERE DID YOU EXPECT TO FIND HIM?

TAKING THE ELEVATOR?

OH, THEY WOULDN'T WANNA LIVE IN A PLACE LIKE THAT.

AH, THIS GUY'D LOOK FOR ANY EXCUSE TO STAY RIGHT HERE.

HEY, HEY, I SAID I WAS GONNA GET OUT OF HERE

BY THE END OF THIS WEEK AND I SWEAR IT.

YOU SWEAR? AN ATHEIST? WHO'S LISTENIN'?

HELLO.

OH, HI, LIONEL.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. YEAH.

UH, HOLD ON A SECOND.

MA, I-IT'S LIONEL. HE SAYS HE CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE PARTY TONIGHT.

OH, WELL TELL HIM I'M SORRY.

YEAH. UH, MA SAYS SHE'S SORRY.

NO. I STILL CAN'T FIND AN APARTMENT.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOOKIN' WITH A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD.

WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

TRY JERSEY!

I HATE JERSEY!

EVERYBODY HATES JERSEY.

BUT SOMEBODY'S GOTTA LIVE THERE.

LIONEL, IF I DON'T GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GONNA GO CRAZY.

GOOD, THEN YOU CAN MOVE TO BELLEVUE.

HEY, WELL, GOOD LUCK, MAN.

YEAH. GOODBYE.

WHAT YOU LOOKIN' SO DOWN IN THE MOUTH ABOUT?

UH, MIKE STIVIC'S REALLY GOT A PROBLEM.

WHY? DID BUNKER PADLOCK THE REFRIGERATOR?

NO, NO. SEE, MIKE AND GLORIA ARE HAVIN' A HARD TIME FINDING SOMEPLACE TO LIVE.

BUT HE SAID HE'S GOTTA GET AWAY FROM ARCHIE.

THEY DO? HMM.

I WONDER HOW OLD BUNKER WOULD FEEL IF I RENTED THOSE KIDS

OUR OLD HOUSE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO HIM?

HE'D PROBABLY KILL HIMSELF.

YEAH.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SELL THAT HOUSE, POP?

WELL, I CAN'T. THERE'S NO MARKET FOR IT.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT JUST MIGHT PAY ME

TO RENT THAT HOUSE TO THOSE KIDS.

UNTIL THE INTEREST RATES COME DOWN.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A MEAN STREAK IN YOU, POP.

YEP. AND IT SURE DOES COME IN HANDY AT TIMES LIKE THIS.

WELL, I HATE TO SPOIL YOUR FUN,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY MIKE'S GONNA RENT THAT HOUSE. NEXT DOOR TO ARCHIE?

OH, NO?

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO

MAKE HIM AN OFFER THAT HE CAN'T REFUSE.

WHOO.

? WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU ?

? A PAL GOOD AND TRUE ?

? I'D LIKE TO LEAVE IT ALL ?

? BEHIND AND GO AND FIND ?

? SOMEPLACE THAT'S KNOWN ?

? TO GOD ALONE ?

? JUST A SPOT ?

? TO CALL OUR OWN ?

? WE'LL FIND PERFECT PEACE ?

? WHERE JOYS NEVER CEASE ?

? OUT THERE BENEATH THE KINDLY SKY ?

? KINDLY SKY ?

? WE'LL BUILD A SWEET LITTLE NEST ?

? SOMEWHERE IN THE WEST ?

? AND LET THE REST OF THE WORLD ?

? GO BY ?

OH, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

ARCHIE, YOU SURE MUST FEEL GOOD

OWNING YOUR OWN HOME AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

WHY, YEAH. WHY SHOULDN'T I?

WELL, FROM NOW ON EVERY TERMITE IN THIS HOUSE

WILL BE HAVING LUNCH ON YOU.

OH, JEEZ, YEAH.

HEY, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA OPEN MY PRESENT?

WELL, I WAS GONNA WAIT TILL AFTER THE MORTGAGE BURNIN'.

AH, OPEN IT, MA.

ALL RIGHT.

GET THE PHONE. GET THE PHONE. ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.

I FEEL BAD NOT BRINGING ANYTHING.

OH, YOU MUSTN'T, JO.

ALL WE WANTED YOU TO DO WAS BRING YOURSELVES.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, ARCHIE?

OH, ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. SAVE YOUR MONEY.

JEEZ, I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOWADAYS, I MEAN,

HOW DO YOUS OLD FOLKS MAKE ENDS MEET?

WELL, WE SLEEP IN A SINGLE BED.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM. IT'S NOT TRUE.

WELL, SOMETIMES WE SLEEP, BABY.

DON'T LET HIS FACE FOOL YOU. THERE AIN'T NO FLIES ON HIM.

ARCHIE, LOOK! IT'S AN ELECTRIC BLANKET.

OH-OH, UH-HUH.

OH, THANK YOU, IRENE. ENJOY.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU A TRUTH, IRENE,

YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE SCARED OF THEM THINGS.

I... I READ SOMEPLACE THAT, UH, THEY CAN BE DANGEROUS IF THE BLANKET GETS WET.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD THAT PROBLEM, SONNY.

THANK YOU, IRENE. OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE, GLORIA?

OH, NOBODY. I'M GONNA GO SEE WHAT'S KEEPING MICHAEL.

HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD SONG FOR A MORTGAGE BURNING PARTY. YEAH.

UH...

? I DON'T WANNA SET THE WORLD ?

? ON FIRE ?

? I JUST WANT TO BURN A MORTGAGE TONIGHT ?

UH, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, HONEY.

MICHAEL,

WE JUST GOT AN OFFER FOR A 5-ROOM HOUSE.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE.

WE CAN AFFORD THIS ONE. IT'S $220 A MONTH.

WHAT'S THE CATCH? IS IT ON FIRE?

NO, IT'S IN TERRIFIC CONDITION.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU'LL LIKE THE VIEW.

WELL, WHO... WHO CARES ABOUT THE VIEW?

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

BUT WHY? WHAT DOES IT LOOK OUT ON?

THIS HOUSE.

HUH?

GEORGE JEFFERSON JUST CALLED AND WANTED TO KNOW

IF WE WANTED TO RENT HIS OLD HOUSE NEXT DOOR.

OH, WELL... WELL, YOU TOLD HIM NO.

WELL, OF COURSE I SAID THANKS BUT FORGET IT.

WE'RE NOT LIVIN' NEXT DOOR TO YOUR FATHER.

HONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONVINCE ME.

I LOVE MY PARENTS.

BUT I WOULDN'T WANNA LIVE NEXT DOOR TO 'EM EITHER.

GOOD.

STILL AT THAT PRICE, IT'S GONNA TO BE A GOOD HOUSE FOR SOMEBODY.

YEAH, SOMEBODY ELSE.

SOMEBODY ARCHIE CAN GET ALONG WITH.

LIKE WHO?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IF NIXON CAN'T MAKE HIS PAYMENTS AT SAN CLEMENTE.

I BET YOU'LL MISS THE KIDS WHEN THEY MOVE OUT.

OH, YEAH. THE HOUSE IS GONNA SEEM SO EMPTY.

I'LL GET IT.

OH, I'LL GET IT.

NO, I'LL GET THAT. YOU GET THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU? A THOUSAND LEGGER?

HEY, HEY, MUNSON, KELSEY HEY, ARCH.

HI. COME ON IN. COME ON IN.

HEY, EDITH, GET OFF THE PHONE.

SAY HELLO TO MUNSON AND KELSEY.

HELLO, MR. MUNSON. HELLO, MR. KELSEY.

HEY, MR. QUIGLEY. HOW ARE YOU?

MIKE, TELEPHONE! ARCH, WE JUST BRUNG YOU A COUPLE OF LITTLE PRESENTS.

OH, GEE. WHY DID YOU THINK YOU HAD TO DO THAT?

'CAUSE YOU ASKED US TO.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHEN I'M KIDDIN'?

YEAH. THAT'S WHY WE BOUGHT 'EM.

AH.

HE'S GOT SOMETHIN' HERE. YOU DIDN'T BRING NOTHIN', HUH?

OH, OH, I'M SENDIN' OVER A CASE OF BEER.

IT ONLY SEEMED FAIR.

AFTER ALL, THAT THERE IS WHAT PAID OFF MY MORTGAGE ON THE BAR.

COME ON, COME ON, GUYS. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN OVER THERE.

YEAH, NOT MY CHAIR, KELSEY.

I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD STOP OVER.

COULD I GET YOU SOMETHIN' TO DRINK?

YEAH, I'LL HAVE A SCOTCH. HE'LL HAVE A RYE.

I'LL HAVE A SCOTCH. HERE.

HEY, ARCH, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

OH, TAKE A LOOK...

AIN'T THAT NICE?

YEAH. IT'S, UH, IT'S A SHRUNKEN COLORED GUY.

AND I THINK HE'S IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE RITZY PLACES ON LONG ISLAND.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, WELL, UH, DON'T THEY COME IN WHITE?

THAT WAS GEORGE JEFFERSON AGAIN.

HE WANTS TO KNOCK THE PRICE DOWN TO $190 A MONTH.

BY $190. THAT MAKES YOU THINK.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT MAKES ME THINK.

IT MAKES ME THINK THAT GEORGE JEFFERSON

IS USIN' US AS PAWNS TO GET AT ARCHIE. WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

THEN IT'S DEFINITELY OUT?

WELL, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, ARCH,

I CAN ALWAYS TRADE IT IN FOR A SPITTOON.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, MUNSON. NO, NO, NO, WE'LL KEEP THAT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

OF COURSE, YOU COULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHIN' ELSE.

ARCHIE, YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA PUT THAT IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE?

NO. JEEZ, I'D HAVE HALF OF HARLEM HERE, THINKIN' I WAS RENTIN' ROOMS.

BRILLIANT. THANKS A LOT.

HEY, UH, GLORIA, UH, THAT RING THERE

IS WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TIE YOUR HORSE.

WHAT IF I GOT A CAMEL?

GLORIA, WOULD YOU HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN?

EVERYBODY, NOW I'M GOING TO BRING IN THE BIG SURPRISE.

I REALLY LOVE SURPRISES. DON'T YOU MR. QUIGLEY?

WELL, AT MY AGE, EVERY TIME I WAKE UP, IT'S A SURPRISE.

YOU'RE SUCH A CLEVER WOMAN, MA.

ONE CANDLE FOR EVERY YEAR OF THE MORTGAGE.

YEAH, 20 HAPPY YEARS.

OH, AND I HOPE YOU HAVE ANOTHER 20 HAPPY YEARS IN THIS HOUSE.

OH, WELL, WITHOUT YOU AND MIKE, I AIN'T SO SURE.

MA. OH, I KNOW. BIRDS GOTTA SWIM.

YEAH.

GLORIA, I JUST TOOK THE STRANGEST PHONE CALL FOR YOU.

IT... IT WAS A MAN AND ALL HE SAID WAS,

"TELL GLORIA THAT INCLUDES CARPETS AND DRAPES",

AND BANG, HE HUNG UP.

CARPETS AND DRAPES.

OH, MAYBE IT'S AN APARTMENT.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY, MA.

MICHAEL, MICHAEL, COME.

CARPETS AND DRAPES. NO.

TA-DA!

NOW, ARCHIE, YOU GOTTA MAKE A WISH

AND BLOW ALL THE CANDLES OUT.

I KNOW THAT.

LET ME MAKE THAT WISH HERE.

HURRY. THE CANDLES ARE DRIPPING.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I GOT IT. OK.

OH, DON'T HELP HIM.

MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE. WHY NOT?

THE MEATHEAD IS STILL HERE.

OK, COME ON, NOW WE GOT TO GO TO THE BIG EVENT

OF THE EVENING NOW. BURNIN' THE MORTGAGE OVER HERE.

ARCHIE, BE CAREFUL. DON'T SET FIRE TO THE HOUSE.

REMEMBER COUSIN HENRY. YEAH, I ALWAYS HATED HIM.

ALL RIGHT, PAUSE. PAUSE FOR THE PHONE.

YES, THIS IS GLORIA.

WHAT PRICE? OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC!

GLORIA, TELL HIM NO.

TELL WHO NO ABOUT WHAT?

WELL, I HAVE TO TALK TO MICHAEL ABOUT IT FIRST, THEN I'LL CALL YOU, OK?

YEAH, THANKS. BYE. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

HONEY, YOU GOT TO HEAR THIS. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

COME ON, I WANNA BURN THIS THING, NOW.

I DON'T HEAR YOU. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'M ASKING YOU TO LISTEN TO WHAT GEORGE JEFFERSON SAID.

WE CAN HAVE THAT PLACE ON A ONE YEAR LEASE FOR $180 A MONTH.

NO. OH, HONEY, COME ON.

IT WILL JUST BE TEMPORARY UNTIL WE FIND AN APARTMENT.

YEAH, TEMPORARY. LIKE SOME FORMS OF INSANITY. FORGET IT.

COME ON, NOW IN THE BURNING CEREMONY.

WHAT ARE YOU ARGUING ABOUT?

WELL, WE'RE NOT ARGUING, MA.

WE'RE NOT RENTING THAT HOUSE, GLORIA.

WHAT HOUSE? UH, I DON'T KNOW.

MICHAEL, 5 ROOMS, CARPETS AND DRAPES, AND $180 A MONTH.

NO. WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT AM I HEARIN' HERE?

5 ROOMS, CARPETS AND DRAPES.

HOW MUCH WAS THAT... $100... $180 A MONTH.

YOU'RE TAKING THAT. NO, WE'RE NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

NO, WE'RE NOT.

GLORIA, THAT MAN CALLED AGAIN.

AND HE SAID, YOU CAN HAVE IT WITHOUT A LEASE

ON A MONTH-TO-MONTH BASIS FOR A $165 A MONTH.

A $165.

WE'RE NOT TAKING IT.

YES, YOU ARE!

WOULD YOU STAY OUT OF THIS? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A JERK IF YOU DON'T JUMP ON THAT FOR A 3-YEAR LEASE.

WE'RE NOT TAKIN' IT!

THEN I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU, WHATSEVER.

'CAUSE YOU ARE A MOOCHOER WHO WANTS TO STAY HERE!

HEY, HEY. ARCHIE.

DON'T ARCHIE ME. DO YOU HEAR WHAT HE'S PASSIN' UP THERE?

WELL, DADDY, HE HAS HIS REASONS.

I KNOW TWO OF THEM.

MY ROOF AND MY ICE BOX.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THE HOUSE?

I CERTAINLY DO! FINE, I'M TAKIN' THE HOUSE!

NOW, YOU'RE TALKIN'! OK, BUDDY!

MICHAEL. NOW YOU GOT IT!

THANK YOU, HONEY.

COME ON. LET'S BURNIN' THE MORT...

COME ON, GUYS. COME OVER HERE.

COME ON, EACH OF YOUS, LIGHT A CORNER OF THIS THING HERE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

OK. HEY, HEY.

YEAH.

AS NAPOLEON SAID TO WATERLOO, "THIS IS THIS".

OK.

NOW, IT'S A DOUBLE CEREMONY HERE.

BECAUSE MY SON-IN-LAW, WHO I JUST LEARNT TO RESPECT OUT THERE,

IS FINALLY TAKING A PLACE OF HIS OWN.

YEAH, WE HAVE A HOME.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WHERE IS YOUR NEW HOUSE, GLORIA?

WELL, IT'S NOT FAR FROM HERE.

REALLY? W-W-WAIT. HOW FAR IS NOT FAR?

NEXT DOOR IS NOT FAR.

WHAT?

YOU JUST FORCED US TO TAKE THE JEFFERSON HOUSE.

THE JEFFERSON'S?

GLORIA! YES, YES.

MY LITTLE BIRD DIDN'T FLY AFTER ALL.

HI, NEIGHBOR. OH, HI, NEIGHBOR.

WE'RE NEIGHBORS NOW.

WILL YOU SHUT UP? YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BIRD?

THE JEF... DO YOU MEAN THE ACROSS THE ALLEY JEFFERSONS?

THAT'S THE HOUSE.

THE DRY-CLEANIN' JEFFERSONS?

THAT'S THE HOUSE.

THE GEORGE JEFFERSONS?

THAT'S THE HOUSE.

MIKE, NOW YOU CUT THE CAKE.

EVERYBODY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE COFFEE AND CAKE NOW

TO CELEBRATE.

?

HOW ABOUT DAD TAKING THE WAX OFF IT FIRST, HONEY.

YOU DON'T WANNA EAT THE WAX.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU'RE FORGETTIN' A LITTLE PIECE OF WAX.

DON'T YOU SEE IT OVER THERE?

YEAH, THERE IT IS.

OH!

? HI, NEIGHBOR, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? ?

? AND WHAT DO YOU SAY? ?

? HI, NEIGHBOR, HI, NEIGHBOR ?

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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