Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

WE NEED SOME MORE COFFEE, TOO, MA.

OH, MY. OH, WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS

WE GOTTA DO WITHOUT APPLES THIS WEEK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU MANAGE TO MAKE ENDS MEET, MA.

OH, I'M LUCKY. I WAS BROUGHT UP IN A DEPRESSION.

IRENE SAYS YOUR DEPRESSION

WAS LIKE OUR INFLATIONARY RECESSION.

WELL, MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID:

"WATCH THE PENNIES AND THE DOLLARS'LL TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES."

WELL, SHE MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT,

THE DOLLARS MUST BE TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES

'CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT THEM.

GLORIA! GLORIA!

WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

GUESS WHAT! I GOT ONE OF MY FINAL GRADES!

IS IT AN "A"?

IT'S AN "A"!

WONDERFUL! CONGRATULATIONS!

THANKS, MA!

SEE, MA. I TOLD YOU I MARRIED A GENIUS.

AH, JEEZ, LOOK AT THIS.

WE OUGHTA GET THESE TWO BRONZED.

DADDY, MICHAEL JUST GOT AN "A" IN ONE OF HIS COURSES.

WELL, WHOOP-DEE-DOO.

WITH AN "A" ON YOUR REPORT CARD AND A QUARTER

YOU CAN BUY A HERSHEY BAR.

I KNOW YOU'RE THRILLED, ARCH,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO OVERDO THE CONGRATULATIONS.

STEP ASIDE, HUH?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING CRABBIER EVERY DAY?

I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU WALKED INTO THIS HOUSE

WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THE LAST TIME

I WALKED INTO THIS HOUSE WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE, YOU WASN'T LIVING HERE.

HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT AT THE PHONE COMPANY?

I TOOK CARE OF THE ARGUMENT,

JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO WITH THE PHONE COMPANY:

I GIVE THEM A SWELL ARGUMENT AND LOST.

BUT THE THING THAT REALLY BURNED ME UP

WAS COMING DOWN IN THE ELEVATOR.

I RAN INTO THIS CRABBY DAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE HAS THE NERVE TO SAY TO ME?

"I WISH YOU'D PUT OUT YOUR CIGAR

BECAUSE THE SMOKE OFFENDS ME."

MAYBE SHE HAD A BREATHING PROBLEM.

SURE SHE HAD A BREATHING PROBLEM,

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE NOSE ON HER.

LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS PLAYING A SAXOPHONE.

OH, MAYBE SHE JUST WASN'T USED TO

THE SMELL OF CIGAR SMOKE.

I REMEMBER WHEN WE WAS FIRST MARRIED

I HAD TO SPRAY THE ROOM EVERY NIGHT AFTER YOU SMOKED.

BUT YOU COULDN'T GET USED TO THE SMELL OF THE SPRAY.

SO YOU HAD TO GET USED TO THE SMELL OF CIGARS.

NO, I HAD TO GET USED TO NOT SAYING NOTHING ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT USED TO WHENEVER I CAME INTO THE HOUSE?

A KISS?

I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING FOAMY IN A CAN.

OH, YOU MEAN BEER? BEER, YEAH.

OH, SURE, I'LL GET YOU SOME RIGHT AWAY.

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE REALLY UPSET ABOUT?

BECAUSE SOME LADY IN AN ELEVATOR

SAID SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE SMELL OF YOUR CIGAR?

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND I TOLD THE LADY

IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO INHALE MY CIGAR SMOKE,

THEN SHE REALLY OUGHT TO SHUT HER FACE.

I'M SURPRISED SHE DIDN'T HAVE YOU REPORTED.

SHE DID, SHE DID, TO THE GUARD DOWNSTAIRS

WHEN THE ELEVATOR GOT THERE. SHE TOLD HIM THE WHOLE STORY.

MADE HIM WRITE THE WHOLE THING DOWN.

HE TOOK MY NAME AND ADDRESS AND EVERYTHING.

TOLD ME HE'S GONNA FINE ME $50.

THAT'S RIGHT, THEY GOT A LAW NOW AGAINST SMOKING IN ELEVATORS.

WELL, TO THAT LAW I WOULD SAY...

LUCKY FOR ME, THE GUARD WAS A STRAIGHT GUY.

AFTER THE DAME TOOK OFF, I GAVE HIM ONE OF MY CIGARS,

HE RIPPED UP THE REPORT.

BOY, OH, BOY.

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS PREACHING LAW AND ORDER. HUH!

THAT IS FOR THE CRIMINALS, LITTLE GIRL.

LAW AND ORDER SHOULD NOT RUIN THE LIVES OF LAW-ABIDING PEOPLE.

LIKE THAT STUPID LAW OF PROHIBITION THEY HAD IN THE OLD DAYS,

THE GANGSTERS HAD TO GO OUT THEN AND OPEN UP SPEAKEASIES

SO A DECENT GUY COULD RAISE A GLASS.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THEY'RE GONNA DO THE SAME THING IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?

THE MAFIA'S GONNA START RUNNING ELEVATORS YOU CAN SMOKE IN?

IF THERE'S A BUCK IN IT, THE MAFIA'LL BE THERE.

HERE YOU ARE, ARCHIE.

AH, YEAH.

NO, I DESCRIBE TO A HIGHER LAW THERE, MEATHEAD, GOD'S LAW.

AND GOD INTENDED MAN TO SMOKE.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID,

"IF GOD INTENDED PEOPLE TO SMOKE,

HE WOULD HAVE PUT CHIMNEYS ON THEIR HEADS."

YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW NOTHING.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

W-WAIT, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

GOD INTENDED MAN TO SMOKE?

CERTAINLY. WHY DO YOU THINK GOD PLANTED TOBACCO?

TO MAKE SALADS, YOU DOPE, YOU?

THAT'S TO SMOKE.

EVERYTHING GOD PLANTED IS FOR MAN TO USE.

THEN WHAT ABOUT MARIJUANA?

GOD DIDN'T PLANT MARIJUANA, LITTLE GIRL.

IT WAS YOUR MEXICAN BANDITS DONE THAT.

WELL, I'M FOR THE NEW LAWS

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SMOKE

IN ELEVATORS, IN MOVIES, IN RESTAURANTS,

'CAUSE IT REALLY DOES BOTHER THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT DON'T SMOKE.

AH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE ONLY PEOPLE IT BOTHERS ARE A BUNCH OF PAINS IN THE NECKS

THAT DON'T WANT THE REST OF THE WORLD TO ENJOY THEMSELVES.

WELL, I'VE BEEN SMOKING AROUND HERE FOR YEARS

AND UP TO NOW, I AIN'T HEARD NO COMPLAINTS FROM MY LOVED ONES.

I COMPLAINED.

WELL, I'M COMPLAINING, TOO, DADDY.

I HATE YOUR CIGAR SMOKE. EL STINKO!

LITTLE GIRL, LET ME TELL YOU, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING,

"NEVER BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOUR HUSBAND."

TAKE A LESSON FROM YOUR MOTHER OVER HERE.

SHE LEARNED TO LOVE MY CIGAR SMOKE.

RIGHT, EDITH? NO, I DIDN'T.

AH, WHO CARES ANYWAY?

WELL, ARCH, YOU GOTTA HAVE RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

I GOT RESPECT FOR EVERYBODY'S FEELINGS.

IN THE CONSTITUTION WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE RESPECT.

WE ALL GOT OUR RIGHT TO THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS THERE.

AND, IF I WANNA PURSUE HAPPINESS WITH A CIGAR IN MY KISSER,

THEN YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THAT CIGAR-SMOKING IS AN INALIENABLE RIGHT?

IT'S FOR ALIENS, IT'S FOR THE NATIVE BORNS...

ANYBODY WANTS, THEY CAN SMOKE.

NOW, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE HISTORY,

THE KIND THAT YOU DON'T FIND IN THE HISTORY BOOKS.

NATURALLY.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR GUYS LIKE ME, SMOKERS,

THERE WOULDN'T BE NO AMERICA.

YOU WANNA BLOW THAT PAST ME AGAIN?

SURE.

YOU HEARD OF YOUR WASHINGTON, YOUR JEFFERSON?

THE NAMES RING A BELL.

YEAH, WELL, THEY WAS WHAT YOU CALL, UH, PLANTERS.

PLANTERS WERE GUYS WHO USED TO RAISE CIGARS.

AND, IF IT WASN'T FOR SMOKERS LIKE ME

BUYING THE CIGARS FROM JEFFERSON AND WASHINGTON,

THE TWO OF THEM GUYS WOULD'VE WENT BROKE.

THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN NO REVOLUTION

AGAINST THE ENGLISH.

YEAH, AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE NO JEFFERSON HIGH SCHOOL

OR GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE.

DADDY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CIGAR SMOKE IS DOING TO MY HAIR?

HUH?

IT GETS IN THERE AND THEN MICHAEL SAYS

HE CAN'T STAND THE SMELL OF IT.

WHAT'S HIS NOSE DOING IN YOUR HAIR?

IT'S LIKE WHEN HE'S HUGGING ME,

THEN HE STOPS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUG, AH, JESUS.

AND HE SAYS, "GLORIA, YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE

THE INSIDE OF A CAB."

IF HE'S GOT SUCH A TERRIFIC SNIFFER,

WHY DON'T HE SNIFF OUT A JOB FOR HIMSELF?

IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU GAVE UP CIGAR-SMOKIN', ARCHIE.

REMEMBER THAT QUIZ YOU TOOK A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO?

IT SAID THAT YOU COULD ADD YEARS TO YOUR LIFE.

IT'S NOT JUST YOUR OWN HEALTH, ARCH.

DOCTORS ARE SAYING THAT NON-SMOKERS ARE GETTING SICK

FROM INHALING THE STUFF THAT'S PUFFED AT THEM ALL DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING SICK OF?

I'M GETTING SICK OF THE WHOLE CROWD OF YOUS

YAPPING ABOUT THIS, SO, SHUT UP.

OH, OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AH, LOOK AT THIS. LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

WILL YOU LOOK AT YOUR DAUGHTER OVER HERE?

THIS IS A DISGRACE!

GLORIA, HONEY, COME ON, TAKE IT EASY.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE YOURSELF SICK HERE.

YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT IN YOUR FACE, HUH?

GIMME THAT CIGAR BEFORE YOU PUKE.

HOW CAN YOU SMOKE THOSE FILTHY THINGS?

SEE WHAT THEY DO TO YOU?

WELL, WHO THE HELL TOLD HER TO DO THAT?

A GIRL AIN'T SUPPOSED TO SMOKE A CIGAR.

AH, IT ISN'T GOOD FOR ANYBODY.

AH, COME ON, THAT'S JUST PROPAGANDA

PUT OUT BY SOME OF THESE BIG COMPANIES.

THEY MAKE A LOT OF MONEY OUT OF, UH, NO SMOKIN'.

WHAT COMPANIES?

THE COMPANIES THAT PUT OUT THE "NO SMOKING" SIGNS!

HERE YOU ARE, GLORIA.

THANKS, MA.

COME ON, EDITH. GET SOME LUNCH ON THE TABLE HERE, HUH?

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

OH, THAT'S SOMETHING ELSE, ARCHIE.

THEY SAY IF YOU GIVE UP SMOKING,

YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT YOUR FOOD REALLY TASTES LIKE.

AH, COME ON, I CAN TASTE MY FOOD,

WHAT'S LEFT OF IT AFTER THE MEATHEAD GETS DONE.

YOU REALLY SHOULD QUIT.

GLORIA, GLORIA, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

HE'S NOT GONNA QUIT SMOKING,

HE'S JUST LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC OR A DOPE ADDICT.

OH, NOT A DOPE ADDICT!

COME ON, LOOK AT HIM, HE'S HOOKED ON CIGARS.

I COULD UNHOOK MYSELF FROM THE CIGARS, LIKE THAT.

SURE, SURE, THAT'S WHAT ALL ADDICTS SAY, ARCH.

YOU COULD GO 24 HOURS WITHOUT SMOKIN'.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU COULD GO 24 MINUTES WITHOUT EATING.

MICHAEL HAS CHARACTER, DADDY.

HE COULD GO A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT EATING, IF HE WANTED TO.

WELL, ARCHIE HAS CHARACTER, TOO.

HE COULD GO A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT SMOKIN',

IF HE WANTED TO.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

DAMN WRONG!

Y-YOU'D GO NUTS WITHOUT A CIGAR STUCK IN YOUR FACE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN I WAS IN THE BIG WAR, W-W-2,

THERE WAS MANY THE TIME WE'D GO FOR DAYS ON END WITHOUT NO SMOKES

AND THE BULLETS WHISTLING OVER OUR HEADS.

WHAT I COULD DO BACK THEN IN FOGGIA, ITALY,

I COULD DO RIGHT NOW IN QUEENS, NEW YORK.

PROVE IT.

WHAT?

I GOT MONEY SAYS THAT I CAN GO A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT SMOKING,

BUT YOU CAN'T DO A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT EATING.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I GOT THE MONEY.

TAKE THE BET, MICHAEL, TAKE IT.

OH, NO, I'LL TAKE THE BET, I'LL TAKE THE BET,

BUT I THINK 1 DAY IS TOO EASY.

WHY DON'T WE MAKE IT 2 DAYS?

BUT, MIKE, YOU'LL STARVE TO DEATH!

NO, NO, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FASTING,

YOU KNOW, LIKE GANDHI OR CESAR CHAVEZ.

THEY DO IT FOR WEEKS ON END.

IT... IT CLEANSES THE BODY.

ALL YOU NEED IS WATER.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, 2 DAYS?

HOW MUCH? YOU NAME IT.

WELL, I'LL MAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF, SAY $5.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE IT $10?

WELL, YOU WANNA BE A WISE GUY, LET'S GO THE WHOLE ROUTE.

WE MAKE IT $20. YOU'RE ON.

YOU'RE ON, YOU'RE ON. YOU'RE ON.

HERE'S MY $20, RIGHT HERE.

EDITH, YOU HOLD THE STAKES, HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WHERE'S YOURS? GET IT UP.

UH, GLORIA, COULD YOU LOAN ME $20?

COME ON, YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOSE IT.

I DON'T KNOW, 2 DAYS IS A LONG TIME WITHOUT FOOD.

IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE THAT LONG, GLORIA,

BECAUSE YOUR FATHER'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO LAST THAT LONG.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL GET THE MONEY.

I AIN'T... I AIN'T SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

OH, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.

ALL RIGHT, SO, THE BET GOES FROM RIGHT NOW

RIGHT THROUGH BREAKFAST MONDAY MORNING,

AND I'M GONNA KEEP A BEAGLE-EYE ON YOU THE WHOLE WEEKEND.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, ARCH,

YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF,

BECAUSE I'M NOT LETTING YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. HERE'S THE MONEY, MA.

NOW I'M GONNA SYNCHROSIZE THE WATCH.

12:00, NOON...

AND THIS IS IT.

WOO-HOO, IT'S LUNCHTIME. I BETTER GET IT ON THE TABLE.

EDITH, COME ON, I'M GETTING AWFUL HUNGRY HERE. WHERE'S MY LUNCH?

MAYBE WE SHOULD START AFTER LUNCH.

OH, NO. NONE OF THAT CRAPPOLA.

I SNUFFED OUT MY CIGAR OVER THERE

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO SNUFF OUT YOUR APPETITE.

NO PROBLEM, ARCH.

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

GOOD NIGHT, ARCH.

WAIT A MINUTE.

BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP, I'M WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS THE GOOFIEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED

UNDERNEATH MY ROOF.

AND IT TOOK YOU TO THINK IT UP.

ARCH, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THIS THING IS GONNA WORK.

WE DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER.

ALL RIGHT, GET OVER THERE.

GET WAY OVER. I DON'T WANT YOU TOUCHING ME!

ARCH, I'M ALMOST OFF THE BED. I MIGHT AS WELL BE SLEEPING

ON THE FLOOR.

WELL, THAT WOULDN'T BE A BAD IDEA.

IT WOULD SHOW YOU HAD A LITTLE DELICACY LEFT IN YOU.

WILL YOU STOP THRASHING AROUND?

IT'S LIKE I WAS IN BED WITH A TRAPPED ANIMAL.

I'M NOT USED TO SLEEPING ON THIS SIDE OF THE BED.

WELL, WHEN I SLEEP WITH EDITH, MY WIFE,

I SLEEP ON THIS SIDE OF THE BED.

WELL, WHEN I SLEEP WITH GLORIA,

I SLEEP ON THAT SIDE OF THE BED.

BUT YOU ARE SLEEPING NOW

WITH THE GUY THAT OWNS THE BED.

SO GET OVER THERE AND SHUT UP.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

NOTHING. GO TO SLEEP.

I CAN'T SLEEP WITH A PERSON LOOKING AT ME.

THEN ROLL OVER.

NO, YOU ROLL OVER.

ARCH, I CAN'T SLEEP ON MY LEFT SIDE. MY SINUS WON'T DRAIN.

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT YOUR SINUS IS DRAINING IN THIS BED?

YOU MEAN THAT I'M SLEEPING WITH A GUY WITH A LEAK?

JUST ROLL OVER, WILL YOU?

YOU ARE A GUEST IN THIS BED AND I'M STAYING ON THIS SIDE.

OH, JEEZ. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?

I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP. I'M GONNA READ.

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS.

JUST PUT YOUR HEAD UNDER THE COVERS.

AND BREATHE MY OWN BREATH ALL NIGHT?

YOU KNOW YOU COULD DIE FROM THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. HEY, HEY, HEY. WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, NO, NO, NO. WAIT A MINUTE THERE, MEATHEAD.

YOU'RE FAKING. YOU DON'T GOTTA GO.

I'M FAKING IT?

I'VE HAD 2 DOZEN GLASSES OF WATER TODAY.

I'M NOT FAKING IT. I'M DROWNING.

WAIT.

WAIT. I'M GOING WITH YOU TO THAT BATHROOM.

ARCH, I THINK I CAN MANAGE ON MY OWN.

OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I AIN'T TAKING NO CHANCES ON YOU SNEAKING DOWNSTAIRS TO THAT KITCHEN.

WELL, I'M TAKING A CHANCE THAT YOU'LL STAY HERE AND SMOKE A CIGAR.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T WE TRUST EACH OTHER?

GO AHEAD BY YOURSELF. WHAT'S... WHAT'S IN THE DRAWER?

Q-TIPS. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

NO, I'M NOT. NO, I'M NOT. NO, NO. YEAH, YOU ARE. YEAH, YOU ARE.

MICHAEL, DADDY, PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE.

JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP, LITTLE GIRL.

YOU ALREADY GOT MA UP.

WE CAN'T SLEEP WITH ALL THIS NOISE.

WELL, THEN SHUT UP AND STAY AWAKE, LITTLE GIRL.

GO AHEAD.

IF YOU DON'T COME WITH ME, ARCH,

THEN I'M GONNA GO DOWNSTAIRS, INTO THE REFRIGERATOR

FOR ANOTHER GLASS OF ICE WATER

AFTER I'VE GONE TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, NO, NO. I'M GONNA STAY RIGHT ON YOUR HEELS, MEATHEAD.

OH, UH, EXCUSE ME, MA.

OH, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

MA. IT'S TERRIBLE IN THERE. IT'S LIKE BEING IN A CAGE WITH A COUPLE OF TIGERS.

I KNOW. NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME OF BETTIN'.

A DAY AND A HALF WITHOUT FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MICHAEL'S MANAGED IT SO FAR.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW DADDY'S GETTING ON WITHOUT A CIGAR.

OH, EASY.

EVERY TIME HE WANTS A CIGAR, HE YELLS AT ME INSTEAD.

ALL OVER ME HERE. YOU GOT ALL THE ROOM IN THE WORLD HERE.

COME ON, DADDY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW HIM EVERYWHERE HE GOES.

HE CAN BE TRUSTED.

ARE YOU KIDDING? AFTER 36 HOURS WITHOUT EATING?

HE'D GO THROUGH THIS ICE BOX LIKE TYPHOON MARY.

I'M JUST GETTING ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, WELL SEE THAT WATER'S ALL YOU GET, TOO.

I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT'S ALLOWED TO EAT AROUND HERE.

AND, OH, BOY, LOOK AT THIS REFRIGERATOR, HOW FULL IT IS.

YEAH, CLOSE THE DOOR, WILL YA?

YOU DON'T LIKE THE SIGHT OF ALL THAT DELICIOUS CHOW IN THERE?

OH, DADDY, STOP THAT. THAT'S NOT FAIR.

THANKS, GLORIA. IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

DADDY, IF YOU HAD ANY SENSE AT ALL,

YOU'D ADMIT HOW MUCH BETTER YOU FEEL FOR NOT HAVING A CIGAR.

OH, DON'T MENTION THAT, WILL YA? I'M TRYING TO FORGET ABOUT CIGARS.

TRY TO THINK ABOUT HOW NICE THE HOUSE SMELLS WITHOUT 'EM.

EDITH, TO ME IT SMELLS LIKE SOME KIND OF A SANIQUARIUM.

BUT NOT FOR LONG. I'M GONNA BE PUMPING SOON HERE.

OH, DADDY, COME ON. YOU'VE GIVEN IT UP FOR A DAY AND A HALF.

WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT THAT YOU CAN GIVE IT UP ALTOGETHER,

AND THEN MICHAEL CAN EAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE CAN EAT ANYTIME HE WANTS.

TELL HIM GO AHEAD AND EAT.

SURE, AND LOSE THE BET!

CAN'T YOU SEE HOW WEAK HE LOOKS?

YOU'RE STARVING, HUH, MEATHEAD?

HAVE A RASPBERRY.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING OUT FOR A WALK. YEAH, YOU'RE GOING OUT FOR A WALK,

SURE, SO YOU CAN BUY SOME CIGARS. NOTHING DOING.

I'LL WALK WITH YOU. BLAH, BLAH. THE HELL WITH THE WALK.

I'LL GO UP TO THE TOILET. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE GOING TO THE BATHROOM?

MAYBE I CAN SAVE YOU A LITTLE TRIP, ARCH.

UH... IF, UH...

IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR THIS.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

FOUND IT IN THE SPARE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

WHAT A CRAZY PLACE FOR A CIGAR.

YEAH, IT IS A CRAZY PLACE.

IT'S ALMOST AS CRAZY

AS PUTTING A CIGAR

OVER HERE ON THE WINDOWSILL.

YOU KNOW ANOTHER CRAZY PLACE YOU COULD PUT A CIGAR?

UP HERE ON THE DOOR LEDGE.

YOU WERE TRYING TO CHEAT, ARCH.

YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT, BUDDY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THEM CIGARS WASN'T HERE

WHEN I BOUGHT THE DAMN HOUSE?

OH, DADDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY FAIR.

MICHAEL IS, AND THIS IS NO PICNIC FOR HIM, YOU KNOW.

DON'T SAY "PICNIC," GLORIA.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

DON'T SAY "HONEY," GLORIA.

WHERE'S MY LITTLE BOX OF CHOCOLATE MINIATURES, HERE?

DON'T SAY "CHOCOLATE," DADDY.

BESIDES, YOU ATE 'EM ALL.

DON'T SAY "ATE," GLORIA.

OH, YOU DON'T LIKE THE WORD "ATE," HUH?

WELL, I'LL SAY "ATE." ATE, ATE, ATE.

CUT IT OUT. HEY. STOP THAT. DON'T SAY THAT. HONEY. PICNIC. HAMBURGER.

HOT DOG. HEY!

YOU CAN'T EAT? WELL, I CAN EAT AND I'M GONNA START EATING RIGHT NOW.

ARCHIE, HOW CAN YOU EAT? YOU JUST HAD DINNER.

DINNER WAS SO DELICIOUS I'M GONNA HAVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL BEEF STEW EDITH MADE HERE.

OH, YEAH. SOME OF THAT SUPERB POTATO SALAD.

HUH, MEATHEAD?

I NEARLY FORGOT THE DELICIOUS WHIPPED CHOCOLATE PUDDING, HERE.

WAIT TILL I GET THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING. TAKE A WHIFF OF THAT THERE.

I'LL START WITH THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

ARCHIE, IF YOU EAT THAT, YOU'LL BUST.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE CAN A MAN EAT A GORGEOUS MEAL LIKE THIS

AND WIN $20 AT THE SAME TIME?

YOU'RE A CRUEL MAN, ARCH.

I'M A WINNER, MEATHEAD.

AND NOW, SINCE I DON'T LIKE TO EAT ALONE,

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, HAVE A GLASS OF WATER WITH ME?

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BREAK ME DOWN, DON'T YOU? YEAH.

YOU THINK SO, HUH, PAL? YEAH.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BREAK BEFORE ME, BUDDY. OH, NO.

YEAH, YOU ARE. NO, I'M NOT.

LOOK WHERE HE'S GOING. HE'S LOOKING FOR FOOD.

HE'S ROOTING IN THE DRAWER OF THE SIDEBOARD.

I THINK HE'S GONNA EAT A DECK OF CARDS.

LOOK AT THIS GUY. I THINK HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT OF HIS EYES.

THIS $20 IS ALMOST MINE.

YOU CAN'T WAIT TO EAT THERE, CAN YOU, MEATHEAD?

NO, BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR.

AFTER YOU EAT, YOU ALWAYS LIKE A NICE CIGAR.

AH!

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?

YOUR STOMACH'S ALL FULL BUT THE LUNGS ARE SAYING,

"WHERE'S THE SMOKE? SEND DOWN THE SMOKE."

MY LUNGS DON'T TELL ME NOTHIN'.

I BOSS OVER MY OWN LUNGS. YEAH.

BREATHE IN HARD, ARCH. YOU GOTTA FILL THAT HOLE SOMEHOW.

I AIN'T GOT NO HOLE IN ME.

FEEL THE CRAVING. FEEL THE CRAVING.

MIKE, STOP IT! I TOLD YOU, YOU CAN FEEL IT.

HE'S GOING BERSERK HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS? HE NEEDS A FIX.

GIVE HIM A SHOT OF THAT CHOCOLATE PUDDING HERE.

HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT WHAT? HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

I'M GONNA KEEP SMOKING AT YOU LIKE YOU'VE BEEN EATING AT ME.

HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH?

JEEZ.

NICE FINE TOBACCO.

GET OUT OF HERE. YOU LOST, MEATHEAD.

YOU LOST. I LOST? GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU LOST. NO, NO.

"A." BUNKER DON'T NEVER GIVE UP.

WELL, "M." STIVIC DON'T NEVER GIVE UP.

WELL, "G." STIVIC IS GIVING UP. GIVE ME THAT.

AND "E." BUNKER IS GIVING UP.

NOW, YOU TWO BOTH STOP THIS BET.

NO. NO, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF YOU EAT AT THE SAME TIME THAT YOU SMOKE,

THEN NEITHER ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO LOSE YOUR $20.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW BOTH OF YOU

STOP THE BET RIGHT NOW. NO, NO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I AIN'T GONNA STOP A BET.

I NEARLY GOT THE BET WON. I GOT HIM HANGING ON THE ROPES HERE.

WHY SHOULD I... YOU WANNA QUIT?

I'LL QUIT IF YOU QUIT.

WELL, I'LL QUIT IF YOU QUIT FIRST.

NO, NO, NO. WE DO IT, WE DO IT, UH, THE SAME TIME.

ALL RIGHT. WHERE'S THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING?

I GOT THE PUDDING. ALL RIGHT. GIVE ME A CIGAR.

ALL RIGHT, HERE. NOT THAT ONE FROM HIS MOUTH!

ALL RIGHT, HERE. NO, NOT THEM EITHER.

THEY'RE THE CHEAP CHEWING KIND.

HERE. I GOT THE PUFFING KIND RIGHT HERE.

OH, MY. IT'S JUST LIKE JACK LEMMON IN THE DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES.

OH, THAT'S CHEATING.

ALL RIGHT. YOU READY? READY.

ALL RIGHT.

1, 2, 3, GO.

YOU STARTED EATING BEFORE I STARTED PUFFING HERE, MEATHEAD.

NO, THAT'S NO FAIR!

OH, LOOK AT HIM YELLING WITH HIS MOUTH FULL OF PUDDING THERE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BUDDY.

YOU GOTTA GET UP AWFUL EARLY IN THE MORNING IF YOU GONNA...

AH, JEEZ.

BUTTER, BUTTER, BUTTER.

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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