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1
00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:05,904
? BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?
2
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:09,508
? SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ?
3
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:13,211
? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?
4
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,482
? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?
5
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:20,185
? AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?
6
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:24,056
? GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ?
7
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,324
? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?
8
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:30,395
? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?
9
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:33,431
? DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ?
10
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,701
? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?
11
00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:41,039
? GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ?
12
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,273
? THOSE WERE ?
13
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:46,477
? THE DAYS ?
14
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:54,074
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15
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,671
HI, MA. HI, MA.
16
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:05,931
OH, HI, DID YOU HAVE A NICE
SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN THE PARK?
17
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,133
OH, YEAH, WE RENTED
A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2
18
00:01:08,201 --> 00:01:09,735
AND WE PEDALED
ALL AROUND THE LAKE.
19
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,447
WELL, W-WAIT A
SECOND, I PEDALED.
20
00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:12,804
SHE SAT THERE LIKE A QUEEN
21
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,273
WITH HER FEET UP
ON THE HANDLEBARS.
22
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:20,612
I REMEMBER WHEN ARCHIE AND
ME RENTED A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2.
23
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:23,882
WE TOOK A LONG
RIDE IN THE COUNTRY.
24
00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,031
WASN'T IT FUN?
25
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,117
OH, YEAH.
26
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:28,119
BUT I WAS THE FAST PEDDLER
27
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:30,155
AND ARCHIE WAS THE SLOW PEDDLER.
28
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:32,591
SO OUR LEGS DIDN'T
CATCH UP WITH EACH OTHER
29
00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:35,661
UNTIL YOUR FATHER'S
PANTS CAUGHT IN THE CHAIN.
30
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:38,830
THEN WE FELL OFF.
31
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,139
OH, THAT HURTS.
32
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,400
OH, YEAH.
33
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:44,969
AND THEN ARCHIE FIGURED
OUT THAT ON THE WAY BACK
34
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:48,740
ONE OF US SHOULD RIDE
AND ONE OF US SHOULD WALK.
35
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:51,710
HOW FAR'D YOU HAVE TO WALK, MA?
36
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,346
OH, ONLY 3 MILES.
37
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,256
HERE, MA, LET ME HELP
YOU WITH THE CROSSWORD.
38
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,485
OH, THIS AIN'T A CROSSWORD.
39
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,555
IT'S A LIFE EXPECTANCY TEST.
40
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:08,227
I FOUND IT IN THIS OLD HARPER'S
MAGAZINE IRENE WAS THROWIN' OUT.
41
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,530
YOU ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS
42
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:14,899
AND THEN IT TELLS YOU HOW
LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
43
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,288
WELL, LET ME SEE. HOW'D YOU DO?
44
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:20,372
846?
45
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,708
MA, THAT CAN'T BE
RIGHT. OH, NO, IT AIN'T.
46
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:26,445
YOU GOTTA PUT A DOT
HERE AFTER THE 4. THERE.
47
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,692
OH, THAT MEANS YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE TO BE 84?
48
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:30,749
AND 6 MONTHS.
49
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:34,786
LIVING WITH ARCHIE,
IT'LL SEEM A LOT LONGER.
50
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:38,557
HERE I AM AND WE HAD A TERRIFIC
MEETING TONIGHT AT THE LODGE, EDITH.
51
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:42,427
ARCHIE, GUESS HOW
LONG I'M GONNA LIVE.
52
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,631
LOOK AT THIS. I'M ONLY HOME A
MINUTE AND SHE'S THREATENIN' ME.
53
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,214
GET THE DINNER
ON THE TABLE, EDITH.
54
00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:54,006
OH, YEAH, WELL, IT'LL BE
A LITTLE WHILE, ARCHIE,
55
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:57,342
'CAUSE THE POTATOES ARE
RUNNIN' BEHIND THE CHICKEN.
56
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:58,510
WHILE...
57
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:05,484
WHILE WE'RE WAITING, LET ME FIGURE
OUT HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
58
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:08,331
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TELL
ME HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
59
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,722
84 YEARS AND 6 MONTHS.
60
00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,023
OOH, WHOOP-DEE-DOO!
61
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,792
YEAH, IT'S ALL IN
THIS QUIZ HERE.
62
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,039
YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA BE
RIGHT WITH YOU THERE, EDITH,
63
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:18,529
BECAUSE A GYPSY PALM-READER
IN CONEY ISLAND ONCE TOLD ME
64
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:21,299
I GOT THE LONGEST
LIFELINE SHE EVER SEEN, SEE?
65
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,735
STARTS RIGHT THERE, WRAPS
AROUND THE THUMB TWICE,
66
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,937
AND GOES UP HERE
UNDERNEATH THE WATCHBAND.
67
00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:28,106
SEE THAT?
68
00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:31,509
I'LL PROBABLY LIVE LONG ENOUGH
TO SEE THEM PUT A MAN ON MARS.
69
00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:33,811
WHAT IF THEY DO THAT NEXT YEAR?
70
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,984
WHAT I WON'T LIVE
LONG ENOUGH TO SEE
71
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,187
IS A MEATHEAD ON A PAYROLL.
72
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:49,427
DID YOU HAVE FUN AT
THE LODGE MEETING?
73
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:50,928
WE HAD A MILLION LAUGHS.
74
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,364
YOU REMEMBER SKEETS CALLAHAN
75
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:53,798
THAT RETIRED FROM
WINDOW WASHING?
76
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,333
MMM, YEAH.
77
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,880
WELL, HE HAD HIS LITTLE
GRANDSON THERE WITH HIM,
78
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,470
LITTLE SKEETS III.
79
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:01,340
KID WAS DRESSED UP IN A COMBAT
INFANTRYMAN'S OUTFIT, YOU KNOW.
80
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:02,607
CUTEST THING YOU EVER SEEN
81
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,810
WITH GRENADES AND A
MACHINE GUN AND EVERYTHING.
82
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,647
I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE TO
SEE CHILDREN PLAYING WAR.
83
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:09,715
AW.
84
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:13,385
LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT,
85
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:14,564
THAT'S THE MOST NATURAL THING
86
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,466
IN THE WORLD THERE, LITTLE GIRL.
87
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,855
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
88
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,802
WELL, BECAUSE OF
THE WAY GOD MADE MEN.
89
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:20,970
I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
90
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:24,040
WHAT, HE GIVE THEM A
TRIGGER FINGER, DIDN'T HE?
91
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,197
ARCH,
92
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,065
IF GOD HAD MEANT MAN TO FIGHT,
93
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,935
WHY DIDN'T HE PUT GUNS
IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN?
94
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,970
WHO THE HELL IS ADAM
GONNA SHOOT? EVE?
95
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,541
WHY'S HE GONNA DO THAT ANYWAY?
96
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,043
'CAUSE SHE'S GOTTA HELP
HIM POPULATE THE WORLD,
97
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,713
AND MAKE HIS BREAKFAST FOR HIM.
98
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,822
AND WHEN THE WORLD
GETS POPULATION ENOUGH,
99
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,895
YOU GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN
THE WORLD TO MAKE ARMIES,
100
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,129
THEN GOD SENT DOWN THE WORD
101
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:49,221
THAT THEY COULD INVENT THE GUN.
102
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,189
AND I THINK THAT, UH,
GERMAN PREACHER,
103
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,658
MARTIN LUGER,
MADE THE FIRST ONE.
104
00:04:57,730 --> 00:05:01,333
YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT
TO TEACH A BIBLE CLASS.
105
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:02,601
THEY GOT THOSE KIDS BELIEVIN'
106
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,514
THAT GOD STANDS
FOR PEACE AND LOVE.
107
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:07,038
WHICH HE DOES,
EXCEPT IN TIME OF WAR.
108
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:11,610
SO, WHAT'D YOU COME
UP WITH THERE, EDITH?
109
00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:15,447
I'D BETTER SEE IF THE POTATOES
CAUGHT UP WITH THE CHICKEN.
110
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:18,983
YEAH, I... I... I HOPE YOU LAID IN
A COUPLE OF 6 PACKS OF BEER
111
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,030
'CAUSE I GOT A HELL
OF A THIRST ON ME.
112
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:23,421
I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT THAT ALL
THROUGH THE LODGE MEETING.
113
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,691
OH! YOU DONE IT.
HERE IT IS, FIRST TODAY.
114
00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:29,004
SO WHAT AGE DID YOU
COME UP FOR ME, HUH?
115
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:32,330
THE POTATOES LOOK FINE.
116
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,100
WHAT'D YOU GET? 90, 85, 80...
117
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,768
OH, WELL, THOSE TESTS
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN', ARCHIE.
118
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,237
THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
119
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:40,671
I KNOW THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
120
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,020
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT,
121
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,175
HOW MANY YEARS
OF FUN I GOT LEFT.
122
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,676
HEY, HEY, WHAT DID YOU GET?
123
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:50,215
WELL, IF I TELL YOU, WILL YOU
PROMISE NOT TO TAKE IT SERIOUS?
124
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,117
OH, WHO TAKES THEM
THINGS SERIOUSLY?
125
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,951
WHAT IS IT?
126
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,222
63 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS.
127
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,226
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
128
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,534
THAT MAGAZINE BUMPED YOU OFF
129
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,829
BEFORE YOU GET SOCIAL SECURITY.
130
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:12,511
ARCHIE,
131
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,517
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BELIEVE
132
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,841
WHAT A QUIZ IN A
MAGAZINE TELLS YOU.
133
00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:18,876
I DON'T BELIEVE IT, EDITH.
134
00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:20,865
OH, WELL, I WAS
AFRAID YOU WOULD.
135
00:06:20,913 --> 00:06:23,080
NO. LISTEN, HERE'S
SOMETHING I NEVER TOLD YOU.
136
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,949
THE GYPSY PALM-READER THERE,
137
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:28,386
WELL, SHE TOLD ME THAT I'M
GONNA OUTLIVE YOU BY 10 YEARS.
138
00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:29,854
SO CHEER UP.
139
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:37,061
W... I COULD'VE MADE
A MISTAKE IN ADDING.
140
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,530
WELL, YOU ALWAYS DO, EDITH.
141
00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:40,765
THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA
CHECK YOUR FIGURES HERE.
142
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:44,536
I DON'T WANNA LEAVE MY LIFE
IN THE HANDS OF A DINGBAT.
143
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:48,239
NO! UH, UH, GLORIA, WOULD
YOU HELP ME GET THE DINNER ON?
144
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,041
YEAH, GET UP AND HELP
YOUR MOTHER, HUH?
145
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:52,477
YEAH, MAYBE THE POTATOES
PASSED THE CHICKEN.
146
00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:55,946
DAMN THING KILLED ME OFF AT 63.
147
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,393
WHAT KIND OF A
TEST IS THIS, HUH?
148
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,961
HOW DOES IT WORK HERE, MEATHEAD?
149
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,985
WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
150
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:04,556
UH, LET'S SEE, UH,
WELL, IT SAYS HERE,
151
00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:05,868
YOU TAKE YOUR YEAR OF BIRTH.
152
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:07,958
WHAT WAS THAT, 1924? YEAH.
153
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:11,507
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT
WOULD MAKE YOUR BASE FIGURE 580.
154
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:13,476
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
RIGHT OVER THERE, SEE?
155
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,666
OH, YEAH.
156
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:16,111
YEAH. THEN, UH, FOR
YOUR PRESENT AGE,
157
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,446
WHICH IS WHAT, 51? YEAH.
158
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:20,037
YEAH. WELL, YOU
ADD, UH, 5 YEARS,
159
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,874
SO THAT STARTS
YOU OUT WITH, UH, 630.
160
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,177
WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG RIGHT AWAY.
161
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:27,511
WHAT? THAT ADDS UP.
162
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:30,014
I MEAN, LOOK
WHERE YOU'RE SITTIN'.
163
00:07:39,526 --> 00:07:41,726
ALL RIGHT, START OFF WITH 630.
164
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,639
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO
THIS THING. ALL RIGHT.
165
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:46,498
IT SAYS, "IF YOU'RE
MARRIED, ADD 5 YEARS."
166
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:47,765
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
167
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:49,445
ONE OF THEM ARABS WITH 20 WIVES
168
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,469
PICKS UP 100 YEARS FOR OPENERS.
169
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:57,209
I'M MARRIED. THEY GIVE ME
5 YEARS FOR HAVIN' EDITH.
170
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,744
I THOUGHT THEY'D
DOCK ME FOR THAT.
171
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,613
UH-OH, UH-OH, HERE'S
WHERE YOU LOSE A FEW.
172
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:02,825
YEAH? WHERE?
173
00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:04,583
HERE, RIGHT THERE,
WHERE YOU LIVE.
174
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:08,587
"SMALL TOWN, ADD 3 1/2 YEARS,
BIG CITY, SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."
175
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,956
OH, COME ON. WHY SHOULD A
CITY GUY LOSE OUT 2 YEARS?
176
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,657
'CAUSE THERE'S MORE POLLUTION,
177
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:15,326
MORE CONGESTION, MORE DISEASE.
178
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,241
ALL RIGHT, BUT THERE'S MORE
HOSPITALS, TOO, AIN'T THERE?
179
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:19,764
AND MORE CEMETERIES.
180
00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,632
AW, COME ON.
181
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,145
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE
MYSELF NOTHIN'
182
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,813
BUT I AIN'T TAKIN'
OFF NOTHIN', EITHER.
183
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,170
IT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
184
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,359
HOW YOU DOIN', DADDY?
185
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:29,774
DID YOU FIND OUT
IF I ADDED WRONG?
186
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,720
ALL RIGHT, EDITH,
W-W-WE'RE GETTIN' THERE.
187
00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:33,289
NOW LET ME SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
188
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,623
WHERE ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU?
189
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:37,581
"ALCOHOL, HEAVY
DRINKERS, SUBTRACT 5 YEARS.
190
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:40,051
VERY HEAVY DRINKERS,
SUBTRACT 10 YEARS."
191
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,530
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I DON'T DRINK.
192
00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:42,820
YOU DRINK BEER.
193
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,689
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
BEER IS HEALTHY.
194
00:08:45,758 --> 00:08:48,198
GIVE ME A COUPLE OF YEARS THERE.
195
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,094
BEER IS HEALTHY?
196
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,974
WELL, CERTAINLY
IT IS, LITTLE GIRL.
197
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,542
YOUR BEER IS MADE
FROM YOUR BARLEY,
198
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:55,044
YOUR BARLEY IS
FED TO YOUR HORSES.
199
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,635
EVERYBODY KNOWS
HOW LONG HORSES LIVE.
200
00:08:58,672 --> 00:08:59,871
20 YEARS.
201
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,505
SHUT UP.
202
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:05,009
I THINK YOU BETTER LEAVE
THAT ONE BLANK LIKE I DID.
203
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,944
NO, THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
204
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:09,659
LOOK HERE, THEY KNOCK OFF 2 YEARS
OF YOUR LIFE FOR BEING A CITY GUY.
205
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,861
WHY DON'T THEY GIVE YOU
SOMETHIN' FOR NOT BEIN' A LUSH?
206
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:15,352
YEAH, BUT ARCHIE,
YOU'RE STILL AHEAD.
207
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:19,157
'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T SUBTRACT
THEN IT'S THE SAME AS ADDIN'
208
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,093
'CAUSE WHAT YOU DON'T
TAKE OFF, YOU PUT ON.
209
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:30,702
THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKIN'
THAT KNOCKED ME OFF AT 63.
210
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:32,381
JUST GET THE
DINNER ON, WILL YOU?
211
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,205
I'M FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE HERE.
212
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:35,940
ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE
WE GOT NEXT HERE?
213
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,887
YEAH. "ECONOMIC STATUS.
214
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,144
DEDUCT 3 YEARS IF
WEALTHY OR POOR."
215
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:43,192
WEALTHY OR POOR? WHAT
THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?
216
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,483
MIDDLE CLASS, WHICH
IS WHAT WE ARE.
217
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:48,085
WELL, ACTUALLY WE'RE
LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS.
218
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,198
WELL, AS I REMEMBER IT,
219
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,923
WE WAS UPPER TILL
YOU JOINED THE FAMILY.
220
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,094
YOU LOSE AT LEAST 2 YEARS THERE.
221
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,129
ALL RIGHT, NOW, "SMOKING.
222
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:02,467
"ONE HALF TO ONE PACK OF
CIGARETTES A DAY, SUBTRACT 3 YEARS.
223
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,180
PIPE OR CIGAR,
SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."
224
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,281
LOOK AT THAT, 2 YEARS.
225
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,272
AH, YOU SMOKE
CIGARS, THAT'S MINUS 2.
226
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:11,776
BUT WAIT A MINUTE, I DON'T SMOKE
CIGARETTES, SO I SHOULD GET A PLUS 3.
227
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,148
SO, PLUS 3 TO MINUS 2,
SO IPSO FATSO, PLUS ONE.
228
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,284
GIVE ME THAT.
229
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,953
YOU GET MINUS 2. "IPSO FATSO."
230
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:25,689
IF YOU KEEP MINUSIN'
I'LL BE DEAD IN 1965.
231
00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:31,462
HERE. "YOUR SHAPE."
HMM, LOOK AT THIS.
232
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:34,032
"IF YOU'RE OVER 40,
DEDUCT ONE YEAR
233
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,667
FOR EVERY 5 POUNDS
YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT."
234
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:40,738
THAT'S WHERE I LOST YOU.
235
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:44,207
COME ON, WILL YOU? IT AIN'T SO
MUCH THAT, I GOT HEAVY BONES.
236
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,778
IN YOUR STOMACH?
237
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:50,026
COME ON, YOU GOTTA DEDUCT
AT LEAST 2 YEARS FOR THAT.
238
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,161
AW, THIS THING IS CRAZY.
HERE, LOOK AT THIS.
239
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,618
"EVERY INCH OF YOUR
WAIST MEASUREMENT..."
240
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:57,822
JEEZ, I WISH THEY'D
GET OFF OF THE BELLY.
241
00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:59,735
"EVERY INCH YOUR
WAIST MEASUREMENT
242
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,770
"EXCEEDS YOUR CHEST MEASUREMENT,
243
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,494
DEDUCT 2 YEARS."
244
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:06,630
OH, I GOT ABOUT A 40
CHEST AND ABOUT A 38 WAIST.
245
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,634
DADDY, HOW LONG CAN YOU
HOLD YOUR BREATH LIKE THAT?
246
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:12,670
TILL THE TEST IS OVER.
247
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:15,172
ARCH, ONCE YOU
EXHALE YOUR WAIST IS 41.
248
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,441
YOU LOSE A YEAR. OH, COME ON.
249
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,811
DID YOU COME TO DISPOSITION YET?
250
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,414
I HAD TO DEDUCT
4 YEARS FOR THAT.
251
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,803
4 YEARS? WHY'D YOU DO
A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?
252
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:28,018
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER.
253
00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:30,087
I DO, LIKE HELL!
254
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:33,491
COME ON, GIVE ME PLUS 4 THERE.
255
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,793
MINUS, DADDY.
256
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:39,430
IF YOU DON'T LET ME WIN A FEW,
YOU'RE GONNA BE MINUS DADDY.
257
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,899
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HONEST WITH THIS TEST.
258
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:44,408
AW, IS THERE A QUESTION
ABOUT HONESTY IN HERE?
259
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,771
IF THERE WAS YOU'D
SELF-DESTRUCT.
260
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,089
I'LL ADD UP WHAT I'VE GOT
HERE. ADD IT UP, THERE.
261
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,790
YOU GOT... THAT MAKES
680... 630, THAT'S UH, 5...
262
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:58,016
SHUT UP! I LOST THE
4 I'M CARRYIN' HERE.
263
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:02,965
ALL RIGHT. ZERO. YEAH.
264
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:04,199
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS 4.
265
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,490
7, 7, 7, 7, 7. ALL
RIGHT, I SEE THAT.
266
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,160
ALL RIGHT NOW,
ZERO AND FROM 6...
267
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:12,608
WELL, THIS IS A STUPID ANSWER.
268
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:14,032
WHAT DID YOU GET?
269
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,968
IT'S 570 YEARS. THIS
IS A TEST FOR TREES.
270
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:21,305
DADDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
A DOT AFTER THE SECOND NUMBER.
271
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,675
AFTER YOUR 7 THERE. A DOT THERE?
272
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,144
THERE'S YOUR AGE.
273
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:34,318
57. YOU HAD ME 63 OVER
AT THE TABLE THERE.
274
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,754
YOU SEE, ARCHIE?
275
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:39,490
LIKE I SAID, THAT TEST
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
276
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,360
IT MEANS A FAST CHECK
FOR AN UNDERTAKER.
277
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,972
ARCH, COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE
278
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,407
THIS THING SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU?
279
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,965
NO, I DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS.
280
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,878
THE TEST IS ONLY FOR
DOPES AND DINGBATS.
281
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:50,179
COME ON, GET DINNER, WILL YOU?
282
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,813
I GET SO NERVOUS
WHEN DINNER IS LATE!
283
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,849
O.K., ALL RIGHT. I'LL
MASH THE POTATOES.
284
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,906
I'M GONNA GO WASH UP. YEAH.
285
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:58,976
LET'S SEE THIS...
286
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,078
5 AND...
287
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,215
ZERO... 6... IT'S A 7.
288
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:06,952
5.
289
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:11,589
OH, GEE.
290
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:23,067
OH, DON'T LET GO.
291
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,013
DON'T... DON'T...
DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE.
292
00:13:25,037 --> 00:13:26,682
DON'T... DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE!
293
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,439
DON'T LET GO! HE LET GO.
294
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,907
ARCHIE, WAKE UP.
295
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,744
OH, GEE. PUT THE
LIGHTS ON, EDITH, QUICK.
296
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,079
OH, THANK GOD YOU WOKE ME UP.
297
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:36,547
I WAS HAVIN' AN AWFUL NIGHTMARE.
298
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:39,717
OH, WHAT WAS YOU DREAMIN' ABOUT?
299
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,586
I WAS AT MY FUNERAL.
300
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,723
WHY, WHO WAS YOU YELLIN' AT?
301
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,860
THE MEATHEAD.
302
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:51,996
HE WAS ONE OF MY
PALLBEARERS AND HE DROPPED ME.
303
00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:01,872
AND I ROLLED RIGHT OUT OF
THE CASKET INTO THE ROAD.
304
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:05,876
I GOT THE NEW SUIT
DIRTY AND EVERYTHING.
305
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:08,846
I WAS NEVER SO
EMBARRASSED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
306
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,282
IT WAS TERRIBLE, EDITH.
307
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,152
LOOK AT THE PILLOW,
IT'S WET WITH FEAR.
308
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,354
OH, I'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU.
309
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,023
OH, GEE, THAT DUMB MEATHEAD.
310
00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:20,958
HE'S SUPPOSED TO
BE USIN' 2 HANDS.
311
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,860
HE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO
BE EATIN' A SANDWICH
312
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:24,862
WHILE HE'S CARRYING ME.
313
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:32,102
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN'
FOR? I'M LOOKIN' FOR A CIGAR.
314
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:36,707
ARCHIE, SMOKIN' CIGARS
AIN'T GOOD FOR YOU.
315
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:39,610
EVEN THAT TEST IN
THE MAGAZINE SAID SO.
316
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,579
OH, THAT DAMN TEST.
317
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,688
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT
TEST, IN THAT NIGHTMARE,
318
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,450
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
BURYIN' ME HERE IN THE BED.
319
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:48,553
ARCHIE, IT WAS ONLY A DREAM
320
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,954
AND THEM TEST
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
321
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:52,501
THEY DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO YOU.
322
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:56,460
'CAUSE THEY SAY YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE TO BE AN OLD BAG OF 84.
323
00:14:56,529 --> 00:15:00,431
ME, I'M GONNA BE PLANTED IN
THE FLOWERS OF MY MANHOOD.
324
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,167
NIGHTMARE OR NO, EDITH,
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
325
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,403
IT REALLY MAKES
YOU STOP AND THINK.
326
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,205
HEY, LISTEN.
327
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:08,817
HEY, LISTEN, EDITH,
NOW COME HERE.
328
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,875
SIT... SIT DOWN, I WANNA
TALK TO YOU HERE.
329
00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:13,110
EDITH,
330
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,614
AS REGARDS MY REAL FUNERAL...
331
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,348
OH, ARCHIE.
332
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:21,185
GET OUT OF THE
BED WHILE I'M TALKIN'.
333
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,324
AS REGARDS MY FUNERAL,
334
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:31,395
I... I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE
UNION IS TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.
335
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:36,000
I MEAN, THE PLOT, FLOWERS,
MUSIC, EVERYTHING.
336
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,270
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE
TO REMEMBER TO BRING IS ME.
337
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:45,521
OH, ARCHIE, I DON'T
WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
338
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:48,513
EDITH, EDITH, INTELLIGENT,
MODERN PEOPLE
339
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,314
GOTTA TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.
340
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,851
NOW LISTEN, HERE'S A
LAST BEQUEST, HERE, SEE.
341
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,287
THE REVEREND FLETCHER...
342
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,433
FELCHER.
343
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,589
WHATEVER.
344
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:04,995
I DON'T WANT THAT GUY SAYING
MY LAST UROLOGY OVER ME.
345
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:18,309
HE IS A WINDBAG.
346
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:21,779
SAME FUNERARIAL
SPEECHES FOR EVERYTHING.
347
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,447
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
WHETHER IT WAS ME
348
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,017
OR HE'S PREACHIN' OVER A CAT.
349
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:27,819
GO BACK TO SLEEP, ARCHIE.
350
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:30,087
NO, NO, NO, NO, I
CAN'T, I CAN'T, EDITH.
351
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,588
THAT FUNERAL.
352
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:35,459
THAT WAS JUST A DREAM.
THE FUNERAL IS OVER.
353
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,435
IT WASN'T OVER
WHEN I LEFT IT, EDITH.
354
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:48,405
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET
TO THE CEMETERY YET.
355
00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:51,475
IF I GET BACK AND FALL ASLEEP,
SUPPOSE I PICK UP ON IT AGAIN?
356
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:55,279
I DON'T WANNA GET TO THE PART
WHERE THEY THROW DIRT ON ME.
357
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,481
NO, NO, NO, I... I NEED A BEER.
358
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,788
GLORIA, I AM INTERESTED
IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
359
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,034
NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE
MORE INTERESTED IN FOOD.
360
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:07,725
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
361
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,694
WELL, MAYBE IT'S EQUAL.
362
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,040
DADDY WAS REALLY WORRIED.
363
00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:13,776
HE HARDLY SAID A WORD ALL NIGHT.
364
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,933
YEAH, IT WAS A NICE EVENING.
365
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,137
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
366
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:24,675
QUARTER PAST MIDNIGHT AND
YOU'RE STILL SCRAVENGING DOWN HERE.
367
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:28,045
HE'S THE ONLY HUMAN BEING WHOSE
MOUTH DON'T GET 8 HOURS SLEEP.
368
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,316
NICE TO SEE YOU'RE IN A
GOOD MOOD AGAIN, ARCH.
369
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,318
ARCHIE, LET ME
MAKE YOU A SANDWICH
370
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,931
NO, NO, NO. TO GO
WITH YOUR BEER.
371
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:38,422
EDITH, DON'T WASTE
NO FOOD ON ME.
372
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,523
AW.
373
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:44,262
OH, MIKE, YOU
TALK TO HIM. OH, MA.
374
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,030
OH, YEAH, HE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.
375
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,632
DEEP DOWN HE RESPECTS YOU.
376
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,569
I HATE TO DIVE THAT DEEP.
377
00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:54,438
HONEY.
378
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,808
ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY. I'LL TRY.
379
00:17:57,876 --> 00:18:00,244
DADDY, MICHAEL HAS SOMETHING
HE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
380
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,412
AND YOU LISTEN TO HIM.
381
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,714
OH, WHAT'S THE USE? ARCH, LOOK.
382
00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:05,316
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
IN THIS MAGAZINE.
383
00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:07,951
THERE'S SOMETHING IN
HERE, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
384
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,687
LOOK WHAT IT SAYS HERE.
385
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:14,091
"BEWARE. THE FIGURES ARE
UNSCIENTIFIC AND EXTREMELY IMPRECISE.
386
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,559
"THEY WILL PREDICT FOR ANY OF US
387
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,161
ONLY IN TERMS OF
VERY ROUGH ODDS."
388
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,198
ARCH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DIE WHEN YOU'RE 57.
389
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,600
THE ONLY REAL INDICATION
390
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,235
OF HOW LONG A
PERSON'S GONNA LIVE
391
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:25,736
I-IS HIS HEREDITY.
392
00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:27,104
BUT I AIN'T GOT THAT.
393
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,740
I LOST THAT WITH MY
APPENDIX, DIDN'T I?
394
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,648
ARCH, ARCH,
395
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:40,617
YOUR... YOUR HEREDITY
IS... IS YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.
396
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,264
WELL, THEN WHY
DON'T YOU TALK CLEAR?
397
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,199
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. YOUR FATHER,
398
00:18:44,223 --> 00:18:46,757
HOW OLD WAS YOUR
FATHER WHEN HE DIED?
399
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,692
57.
400
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,632
IT'S A COINCIDENCE.
401
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,200
IT... IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.
402
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:57,813
WHAT ABOUT YOUR...
Y-Y-YOUR GRANDFATHER?
403
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,369
HOW OLD WAS HE?
404
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,807
56.
405
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:07,144
YEAH, BUT HE WAS RUN
OVER BY A STREETCAR.
406
00:19:07,213 --> 00:19:11,082
I KNOW. IT CUT OFF THE
LAST WHOLE YEAR OF HIS LIFE.
407
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,584
DADDY, YOUR GRANDFATHER
PROBABLY WOULD'VE LIVED
408
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,885
TO BE A VERY OLD MAN.
409
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:17,888
HONEY, DOESN'T LONG LIFE
USUALLY SKIP A GENERATION?
410
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:19,501
WELL, NOT IN THE BUNKER FAMILY.
411
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,326
WE GOT DEAD RELATIVES
IN EVERY GENERATION.
412
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,731
WELL, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK IN
THE MORNING SO I'M GOING TO BED.
413
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,301
OH, YEAH. GO AHEAD, YEAH.
THERE'S FEELING FOR YOU THERE.
414
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,869
ARCH, JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS
415
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:34,005
DIDN'T LIVE A LONG TIME
DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T.
416
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:35,073
AAH!
417
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,551
OH, OH, OH, OH, ARCHIE!
418
00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:39,043
ARCHIE, PLEASE DON'T SMOKE THAT.
419
00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:42,079
WHY NOT? I ALREADY GAVE
2 YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR THIS.
420
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:47,218
MAYBE IF YOU GIVE UP
SMOKIN' YOU'LL GET 'EM BACK.
421
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:50,221
AND THEN IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT
YOU'LL GET A FEW MORE YEARS.
422
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,656
OH, NO, NO, IT'S
TOO LATE, EDITH.
423
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,825
MY BUS HAS SAILED.
424
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:56,727
ARCH, MA'S RIGHT.
425
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,674
I MEAN, I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THAT SILLY TEST
426
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,676
BUT I MEAN, IF YOU DID
CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE,
427
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,444
MAYBE YOU COULD ADD A FEW YEARS.
428
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:05,902
GET RID OF THE THINGS THAT
ARE CAUSING YOU AGGRAVATION.
429
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,616
I TELL YOU, HE'S GOT
SOMETHIN' THERE.
430
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:21,952
THIS CITY LIFE.
431
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:23,799
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS
LIVIN' IN A SMALL TOWN
432
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,922
IT MIGHT ADD 10
YEARS TO ME, EDITH.
433
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,425
BUT ARCHIE, WHERE
WOULD WE MOVE TO?
434
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:31,027
OH, GEE, CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA.
435
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:33,608
THERE'S MILLIONS OF SMALL
TOWNS OUT THERE IN THE WEST.
436
00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:36,500
"GO WEST, GO WEST," LIKE
HORACE GREENBERG SAID.
437
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:40,237
AND IF I WENT WEST THERE
438
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:41,817
I MIGHT BE ABLE
TO THAT ONE THING
439
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,574
I WANTED TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
440
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:45,576
WHAT'S THAT, ARCHIE?
441
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:47,811
RIDE A HORSE.
442
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,190
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED HORSES.
443
00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:51,960
OH, SURE, I ALWAYS
BEEN NUTS ABOUT HORSES.
444
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,417
ASK EDITH THERE.
445
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,664
BUT WHERE THE HELL DO YOU
EVER SEE A HORSE IN NEW YORK
446
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:59,289
UNLESS YOU OPEN UP
A CAN OF DOG FOOD?
447
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,460
ARCH, UH, ARE YOU REALLY
SERIOUS ABOUT MOVIN' OUT WEST?
448
00:21:02,528 --> 00:21:04,273
CERTAINLY, I'M SERIOUS. WHY NOT?
449
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,265
GET OUT OF THE CITY,
GET OUT OF THE RAT RACE.
450
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:10,334
GET OUT ON THE RANGE
WHERE THE BUFFALOES ROAM.
451
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,805
"WHERE THE DEERS
AND THE ANTELOPES PLAY
452
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:18,475
"WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD
A DISCOURAGING WORD
453
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:21,845
"AND THE SKIES SOMETHIN',
SOMETHIN' ALL DAY"
454
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,350
YOU KNOW THAT DEATH QUIZ, EDITH?
455
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:27,996
MAYBE THAT TAUGHT
US HOW TO LIVE.
456
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:31,421
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO LIST THIS
HOUSE FOR SALE MONDAY MORNIN'.
457
00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:34,091
ARCHIE, I THINK WE
BETTER GO TO BED.
458
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,872
BUT THEN, YOU, MEATHEAD, YOU AND
GLORIA'D BE OUT IN THE COLD, HUH?
459
00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:38,607
ARCH, ARCH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME AND GLORIA.
460
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,575
Y-YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU
HAVE TO DO, ALL RIGHT?
461
00:21:40,599 --> 00:21:41,810
YEAH. WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO?
462
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:43,645
HERE'S MY LITTLE GIRL.
LISTEN, COME OVER HERE
463
00:21:43,669 --> 00:21:44,879
AND SIT DOWN, SWEETHEART.
464
00:21:44,903 --> 00:21:46,682
YOUR MOTHER AND I
GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.
465
00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:48,205
I GOT SOME GOOD
NEWS FOR YOU, DADDY.
466
00:21:48,273 --> 00:21:50,085
YOU SEE, WE WERE
TALKING THIS THING OVER...
467
00:21:50,109 --> 00:21:51,675
I WAS WORKIN' OUT
YOUR TEST UPSTAIRS
468
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:53,543
AND YOU GOT THE
NUMBERS ALL MIXED UP HERE.
469
00:21:53,612 --> 00:21:55,679
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 75.
470
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,249
HUH?
471
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,018
WELL, YOU SEE, YOU SUBTRACTED
WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDED
472
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:04,528
AND THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE
YOURSELF THE RIGHT BASE FIGURE
473
00:22:04,557 --> 00:22:06,523
TO BEGIN WITH.
474
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:07,832
YOU SURE OF THAT?
475
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:10,227
YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE TO BE 75 YEARS OLD.
476
00:22:10,296 --> 00:22:12,196
HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
477
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,400
75, HUH?
478
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:25,075
AND YOU HAD ME DEAD AT 63.
479
00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:28,412
AND 4 MONTHS. AND 4 MONTHS!
480
00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:33,450
AND YOU OVER HERE.
481
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:35,530
HOW OLD WAS I WHEN
YOU KILLED ME OFF?
482
00:22:35,554 --> 00:22:38,155
I... I DON'T KNOW, 57.57, YEAH!
483
00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:40,624
YOU AND HER, YOU HAD
ME DEAD AND BURIED.
484
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:43,294
TOOK MY LITTLE GIRL
HERE TO DIG ME UP.
485
00:22:45,131 --> 00:22:48,732
WELL, I'M ALIVE, AND
I'M GONNA STAY ALIVE.
486
00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:51,012
AND I'M GONNA EAT.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH.
487
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:53,170
I'LL DRINK ALL THE
DAMN BEER I WANT
488
00:22:53,239 --> 00:22:56,706
AND I'LL SMOKE CIGARS
RIGHT UP TO THE TIME I'M 75.
489
00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:59,009
YOU AND YOUR POLACK ARITHMETIC!
490
00:23:05,251 --> 00:23:08,385
OH, GLORIA, I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.
491
00:23:08,454 --> 00:23:11,855
I KNOW, HONEY, I JUST CHANGED
THE NUMBERS AROUND A BIT.
492
00:23:11,924 --> 00:23:13,969
DADDY'S SO WORRIED
ABOUT THIS STUPID TEST,
493
00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:16,793
I THOUGHT I'D GIVE
HIM AN EXTRA 18 YEARS.
494
00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:18,407
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TELL HIM, ARE YOU?
495
00:23:18,431 --> 00:23:21,966
NO, NO, DON'T TELL HIM.
GIVE HIM THE 18 YEARS.
496
00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:23,567
BESIDES, ARCHIE'S SO STUBBORN
497
00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:25,002
IF HE THINKS HE'LL LIVE TO 75,
498
00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:27,872
HE'LL DO IT EVEN
IF IT KILLS HIM.
499
00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:30,574
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
500
00:23:30,643 --> 00:23:33,977
NOW THAT YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE TO BE 75?
501
00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:36,486
JEEZ, EDITH, WHO WOULDN'T?
502
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:38,148
BUT LISTEN,
503
00:23:38,217 --> 00:23:41,351
NOW THAT TEST SAYS THAT
YOU'RE GONNA GO ON TO 84, HUH?
504
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:42,919
YEAH, AND 6 MONTHS.
505
00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:46,089
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER,
BUT, GEE, THAT MEANS,
506
00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:48,792
WELL, THERE'S 9 1/2 LONELY YEARS
507
00:23:48,860 --> 00:23:51,595
YOU GOTTA GO ON WITHOUT ME, HUH?
508
00:23:51,664 --> 00:23:54,198
BUT I HAD A THOUGHT.
509
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:57,368
SUPPOSE YOU WAS TO TAKE
UP SMOKIN' AND DRINKIN'?
510
00:24:22,228 --> 00:24:24,572
ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS
RECORDED ON TAPE
511
00:24:24,596 --> 00:24:26,430
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
512
00:24:27,305 --> 00:25:27,701
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513
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