Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

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HI, MA. HI, MA.

OH, HI, DID YOU HAVE A NICE SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN THE PARK?

OH, YEAH, WE RENTED A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2

AND WE PEDALED ALL AROUND THE LAKE.

WELL, W-WAIT A SECOND, I PEDALED.

SHE SAT THERE LIKE A QUEEN

WITH HER FEET UP ON THE HANDLEBARS.

I REMEMBER WHEN ARCHIE AND ME RENTED A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2.

WE TOOK A LONG RIDE IN THE COUNTRY.

WASN'T IT FUN?

OH, YEAH.

BUT I WAS THE FAST PEDDLER

AND ARCHIE WAS THE SLOW PEDDLER.

SO OUR LEGS DIDN'T CATCH UP WITH EACH OTHER

UNTIL YOUR FATHER'S PANTS CAUGHT IN THE CHAIN.

THEN WE FELL OFF.

OH, THAT HURTS.

OH, YEAH.

AND THEN ARCHIE FIGURED OUT THAT ON THE WAY BACK

ONE OF US SHOULD RIDE AND ONE OF US SHOULD WALK.

HOW FAR'D YOU HAVE TO WALK, MA?

OH, ONLY 3 MILES.

HERE, MA, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THE CROSSWORD.

OH, THIS AIN'T A CROSSWORD.

IT'S A LIFE EXPECTANCY TEST.

I FOUND IT IN THIS OLD HARPER'S MAGAZINE IRENE WAS THROWIN' OUT.

YOU ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS

AND THEN IT TELLS YOU HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.

WELL, LET ME SEE. HOW'D YOU DO?

846?

MA, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. OH, NO, IT AIN'T.

YOU GOTTA PUT A DOT HERE AFTER THE 4. THERE.

OH, THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 84?

AND 6 MONTHS.

LIVING WITH ARCHIE, IT'LL SEEM A LOT LONGER.

HERE I AM AND WE HAD A TERRIFIC MEETING TONIGHT AT THE LODGE, EDITH.

ARCHIE, GUESS HOW LONG I'M GONNA LIVE.

LOOK AT THIS. I'M ONLY HOME A MINUTE AND SHE'S THREATENIN' ME.

GET THE DINNER ON THE TABLE, EDITH.

OH, YEAH, WELL, IT'LL BE A LITTLE WHILE, ARCHIE,

'CAUSE THE POTATOES ARE RUNNIN' BEHIND THE CHICKEN.

WHILE...

WHILE WE'RE WAITING, LET ME FIGURE OUT HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TELL ME HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.

84 YEARS AND 6 MONTHS.

OOH, WHOOP-DEE-DOO!

YEAH, IT'S ALL IN THIS QUIZ HERE.

YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA BE RIGHT WITH YOU THERE, EDITH,

BECAUSE A GYPSY PALM-READER IN CONEY ISLAND ONCE TOLD ME

I GOT THE LONGEST LIFELINE SHE EVER SEEN, SEE?

STARTS RIGHT THERE, WRAPS AROUND THE THUMB TWICE,

AND GOES UP HERE UNDERNEATH THE WATCHBAND.

SEE THAT?

I'LL PROBABLY LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE THEM PUT A MAN ON MARS.

WHAT IF THEY DO THAT NEXT YEAR?

WHAT I WON'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE

IS A MEATHEAD ON A PAYROLL.

DID YOU HAVE FUN AT THE LODGE MEETING?

WE HAD A MILLION LAUGHS.

YOU REMEMBER SKEETS CALLAHAN

THAT RETIRED FROM WINDOW WASHING?

MMM, YEAH.

WELL, HE HAD HIS LITTLE GRANDSON THERE WITH HIM,

LITTLE SKEETS III.

KID WAS DRESSED UP IN A COMBAT INFANTRYMAN'S OUTFIT, YOU KNOW.

CUTEST THING YOU EVER SEEN

WITH GRENADES AND A MACHINE GUN AND EVERYTHING.

I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE TO SEE CHILDREN PLAYING WAR.

AW.

LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT,

THAT'S THE MOST NATURAL THING

IN THE WORLD THERE, LITTLE GIRL.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

WELL, BECAUSE OF THE WAY GOD MADE MEN.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.

WHAT, HE GIVE THEM A TRIGGER FINGER, DIDN'T HE?

ARCH,

IF GOD HAD MEANT MAN TO FIGHT,

WHY DIDN'T HE PUT GUNS IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN?

WHO THE HELL IS ADAM GONNA SHOOT? EVE?

WHY'S HE GONNA DO THAT ANYWAY?

'CAUSE SHE'S GOTTA HELP HIM POPULATE THE WORLD,

AND MAKE HIS BREAKFAST FOR HIM.

AND WHEN THE WORLD GETS POPULATION ENOUGH,

YOU GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO MAKE ARMIES,

THEN GOD SENT DOWN THE WORD

THAT THEY COULD INVENT THE GUN.

AND I THINK THAT, UH, GERMAN PREACHER,

MARTIN LUGER, MADE THE FIRST ONE.

YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT TO TEACH A BIBLE CLASS.

THEY GOT THOSE KIDS BELIEVIN'

THAT GOD STANDS FOR PEACE AND LOVE.

WHICH HE DOES, EXCEPT IN TIME OF WAR.

SO, WHAT'D YOU COME UP WITH THERE, EDITH?

I'D BETTER SEE IF THE POTATOES CAUGHT UP WITH THE CHICKEN.

YEAH, I... I... I HOPE YOU LAID IN A COUPLE OF 6 PACKS OF BEER

'CAUSE I GOT A HELL OF A THIRST ON ME.

I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT THAT ALL THROUGH THE LODGE MEETING.

OH! YOU DONE IT. HERE IT IS, FIRST TODAY.

SO WHAT AGE DID YOU COME UP FOR ME, HUH?

THE POTATOES LOOK FINE.

WHAT'D YOU GET? 90, 85, 80...

OH, WELL, THOSE TESTS DON'T MEAN NOTHIN', ARCHIE.

THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.

I KNOW THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT,

HOW MANY YEARS OF FUN I GOT LEFT.

HEY, HEY, WHAT DID YOU GET?

WELL, IF I TELL YOU, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO TAKE IT SERIOUS?

OH, WHO TAKES THEM THINGS SERIOUSLY?

WHAT IS IT?

63 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

THAT MAGAZINE BUMPED YOU OFF

BEFORE YOU GET SOCIAL SECURITY.

ARCHIE,

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BELIEVE

WHAT A QUIZ IN A MAGAZINE TELLS YOU.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT, EDITH.

OH, WELL, I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULD.

NO. LISTEN, HERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER TOLD YOU.

THE GYPSY PALM-READER THERE,

WELL, SHE TOLD ME THAT I'M GONNA OUTLIVE YOU BY 10 YEARS.

SO CHEER UP.

W... I COULD'VE MADE A MISTAKE IN ADDING.

WELL, YOU ALWAYS DO, EDITH.

THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA CHECK YOUR FIGURES HERE.

I DON'T WANNA LEAVE MY LIFE IN THE HANDS OF A DINGBAT.

NO! UH, UH, GLORIA, WOULD YOU HELP ME GET THE DINNER ON?

YEAH, GET UP AND HELP YOUR MOTHER, HUH?

YEAH, MAYBE THE POTATOES PASSED THE CHICKEN.

DAMN THING KILLED ME OFF AT 63.

WHAT KIND OF A TEST IS THIS, HUH?

HOW DOES IT WORK HERE, MEATHEAD?

WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

UH, LET'S SEE, UH, WELL, IT SAYS HERE,

YOU TAKE YOUR YEAR OF BIRTH.

WHAT WAS THAT, 1924? YEAH.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR BASE FIGURE 580.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT? RIGHT OVER THERE, SEE?

OH, YEAH.

YEAH. THEN, UH, FOR YOUR PRESENT AGE,

WHICH IS WHAT, 51? YEAH.

YEAH. WELL, YOU ADD, UH, 5 YEARS,

SO THAT STARTS YOU OUT WITH, UH, 630.

WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG RIGHT AWAY.

WHAT? THAT ADDS UP.

I MEAN, LOOK WHERE YOU'RE SITTIN'.

ALL RIGHT, START OFF WITH 630.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING. ALL RIGHT.

IT SAYS, "IF YOU'RE MARRIED, ADD 5 YEARS."

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

ONE OF THEM ARABS WITH 20 WIVES

PICKS UP 100 YEARS FOR OPENERS.

I'M MARRIED. THEY GIVE ME 5 YEARS FOR HAVIN' EDITH.

I THOUGHT THEY'D DOCK ME FOR THAT.

UH-OH, UH-OH, HERE'S WHERE YOU LOSE A FEW.

YEAH? WHERE?

HERE, RIGHT THERE, WHERE YOU LIVE.

"SMALL TOWN, ADD 3 1/2 YEARS, BIG CITY, SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."

OH, COME ON. WHY SHOULD A CITY GUY LOSE OUT 2 YEARS?

'CAUSE THERE'S MORE POLLUTION,

MORE CONGESTION, MORE DISEASE.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THERE'S MORE HOSPITALS, TOO, AIN'T THERE?

AND MORE CEMETERIES.

AW, COME ON.

I AIN'T GONNA GIVE MYSELF NOTHIN'

BUT I AIN'T TAKIN' OFF NOTHIN', EITHER.

IT'S A STUPID QUESTION.

HOW YOU DOIN', DADDY?

DID YOU FIND OUT IF I ADDED WRONG?

ALL RIGHT, EDITH, W-W-WE'RE GETTIN' THERE.

NOW LET ME SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.

WHERE ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU?

"ALCOHOL, HEAVY DRINKERS, SUBTRACT 5 YEARS.

VERY HEAVY DRINKERS, SUBTRACT 10 YEARS."

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I DON'T DRINK.

YOU DRINK BEER.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? BEER IS HEALTHY.

GIVE ME A COUPLE OF YEARS THERE.

BEER IS HEALTHY?

WELL, CERTAINLY IT IS, LITTLE GIRL.

YOUR BEER IS MADE FROM YOUR BARLEY,

YOUR BARLEY IS FED TO YOUR HORSES.

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW LONG HORSES LIVE.

20 YEARS.

SHUT UP.

I THINK YOU BETTER LEAVE THAT ONE BLANK LIKE I DID.

NO, THAT AIN'T RIGHT.

LOOK HERE, THEY KNOCK OFF 2 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE FOR BEING A CITY GUY.

WHY DON'T THEY GIVE YOU SOMETHIN' FOR NOT BEIN' A LUSH?

YEAH, BUT ARCHIE, YOU'RE STILL AHEAD.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T SUBTRACT THEN IT'S THE SAME AS ADDIN'

'CAUSE WHAT YOU DON'T TAKE OFF, YOU PUT ON.

THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKIN' THAT KNOCKED ME OFF AT 63.

JUST GET THE DINNER ON, WILL YOU?

I'M FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE HERE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE WE GOT NEXT HERE?

YEAH. "ECONOMIC STATUS.

DEDUCT 3 YEARS IF WEALTHY OR POOR."

WEALTHY OR POOR? WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?

MIDDLE CLASS, WHICH IS WHAT WE ARE.

WELL, ACTUALLY WE'RE LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS.

WELL, AS I REMEMBER IT,

WE WAS UPPER TILL YOU JOINED THE FAMILY.

YOU LOSE AT LEAST 2 YEARS THERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, "SMOKING.

"ONE HALF TO ONE PACK OF CIGARETTES A DAY, SUBTRACT 3 YEARS.

PIPE OR CIGAR, SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."

LOOK AT THAT, 2 YEARS.

AH, YOU SMOKE CIGARS, THAT'S MINUS 2.

BUT WAIT A MINUTE, I DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES, SO I SHOULD GET A PLUS 3.

SO, PLUS 3 TO MINUS 2, SO IPSO FATSO, PLUS ONE.

GIVE ME THAT.

YOU GET MINUS 2. "IPSO FATSO."

IF YOU KEEP MINUSIN' I'LL BE DEAD IN 1965.

HERE. "YOUR SHAPE." HMM, LOOK AT THIS.

"IF YOU'RE OVER 40, DEDUCT ONE YEAR

FOR EVERY 5 POUNDS YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT."

THAT'S WHERE I LOST YOU.

COME ON, WILL YOU? IT AIN'T SO MUCH THAT, I GOT HEAVY BONES.

IN YOUR STOMACH?

COME ON, YOU GOTTA DEDUCT AT LEAST 2 YEARS FOR THAT.

AW, THIS THING IS CRAZY. HERE, LOOK AT THIS.

"EVERY INCH OF YOUR WAIST MEASUREMENT..."

JEEZ, I WISH THEY'D GET OFF OF THE BELLY.

"EVERY INCH YOUR WAIST MEASUREMENT

"EXCEEDS YOUR CHEST MEASUREMENT,

DEDUCT 2 YEARS."

OH, I GOT ABOUT A 40 CHEST AND ABOUT A 38 WAIST.

DADDY, HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH LIKE THAT?

TILL THE TEST IS OVER.

ARCH, ONCE YOU EXHALE YOUR WAIST IS 41.

YOU LOSE A YEAR. OH, COME ON.

DID YOU COME TO DISPOSITION YET?

I HAD TO DEDUCT 4 YEARS FOR THAT.

4 YEARS? WHY'D YOU DO A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER.

I DO, LIKE HELL!

COME ON, GIVE ME PLUS 4 THERE.

MINUS, DADDY.

IF YOU DON'T LET ME WIN A FEW, YOU'RE GONNA BE MINUS DADDY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HONEST WITH THIS TEST.

AW, IS THERE A QUESTION ABOUT HONESTY IN HERE?

IF THERE WAS YOU'D SELF-DESTRUCT.

I'LL ADD UP WHAT I'VE GOT HERE. ADD IT UP, THERE.

YOU GOT... THAT MAKES 680... 630, THAT'S UH, 5...

SHUT UP! I LOST THE 4 I'M CARRYIN' HERE.

ALL RIGHT. ZERO. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS 4.

7, 7, 7, 7, 7. ALL RIGHT, I SEE THAT.

ALL RIGHT NOW, ZERO AND FROM 6...

WELL, THIS IS A STUPID ANSWER.

WHAT DID YOU GET?

IT'S 570 YEARS. THIS IS A TEST FOR TREES.

DADDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT A DOT AFTER THE SECOND NUMBER.

AFTER YOUR 7 THERE. A DOT THERE?

THERE'S YOUR AGE.

57. YOU HAD ME 63 OVER AT THE TABLE THERE.

YOU SEE, ARCHIE?

LIKE I SAID, THAT TEST DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.

IT MEANS A FAST CHECK FOR AN UNDERTAKER.

ARCH, COME ON. YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE

THIS THING SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU?

NO, I DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS.

THE TEST IS ONLY FOR DOPES AND DINGBATS.

COME ON, GET DINNER, WILL YOU?

I GET SO NERVOUS WHEN DINNER IS LATE!

O.K., ALL RIGHT. I'LL MASH THE POTATOES.

I'M GONNA GO WASH UP. YEAH.

LET'S SEE THIS...

5 AND...

ZERO... 6... IT'S A 7.

5.

OH, GEE.

OH, DON'T LET GO.

DON'T... DON'T... DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE.

DON'T... DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE!

DON'T LET GO! HE LET GO.

ARCHIE, WAKE UP.

OH, GEE. PUT THE LIGHTS ON, EDITH, QUICK.

OH, THANK GOD YOU WOKE ME UP.

I WAS HAVIN' AN AWFUL NIGHTMARE.

OH, WHAT WAS YOU DREAMIN' ABOUT?

I WAS AT MY FUNERAL.

WHY, WHO WAS YOU YELLIN' AT?

THE MEATHEAD.

HE WAS ONE OF MY PALLBEARERS AND HE DROPPED ME.

AND I ROLLED RIGHT OUT OF THE CASKET INTO THE ROAD.

I GOT THE NEW SUIT DIRTY AND EVERYTHING.

I WAS NEVER SO EMBARRASSED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

IT WAS TERRIBLE, EDITH.

LOOK AT THE PILLOW, IT'S WET WITH FEAR.

OH, I'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU.

OH, GEE, THAT DUMB MEATHEAD.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE USIN' 2 HANDS.

HE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE EATIN' A SANDWICH

WHILE HE'S CARRYING ME.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' FOR? I'M LOOKIN' FOR A CIGAR.

ARCHIE, SMOKIN' CIGARS AIN'T GOOD FOR YOU.

EVEN THAT TEST IN THE MAGAZINE SAID SO.

OH, THAT DAMN TEST.

IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT TEST, IN THAT NIGHTMARE,

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BURYIN' ME HERE IN THE BED.

ARCHIE, IT WAS ONLY A DREAM

AND THEM TEST DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.

THEY DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO YOU.

'CAUSE THEY SAY YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE AN OLD BAG OF 84.

ME, I'M GONNA BE PLANTED IN THE FLOWERS OF MY MANHOOD.

NIGHTMARE OR NO, EDITH, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

IT REALLY MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK.

HEY, LISTEN.

HEY, LISTEN, EDITH, NOW COME HERE.

SIT... SIT DOWN, I WANNA TALK TO YOU HERE.

EDITH,

AS REGARDS MY REAL FUNERAL...

OH, ARCHIE.

GET OUT OF THE BED WHILE I'M TALKIN'.

AS REGARDS MY FUNERAL,

I... I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE UNION IS TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, THE PLOT, FLOWERS, MUSIC, EVERYTHING.

THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO BRING IS ME.

OH, ARCHIE, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

EDITH, EDITH, INTELLIGENT, MODERN PEOPLE

GOTTA TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.

NOW LISTEN, HERE'S A LAST BEQUEST, HERE, SEE.

THE REVEREND FLETCHER...

FELCHER.

WHATEVER.

I DON'T WANT THAT GUY SAYING MY LAST UROLOGY OVER ME.

HE IS A WINDBAG.

SAME FUNERARIAL SPEECHES FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHETHER IT WAS ME

OR HE'S PREACHIN' OVER A CAT.

GO BACK TO SLEEP, ARCHIE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I CAN'T, I CAN'T, EDITH.

THAT FUNERAL.

THAT WAS JUST A DREAM. THE FUNERAL IS OVER.

IT WASN'T OVER WHEN I LEFT IT, EDITH.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE CEMETERY YET.

IF I GET BACK AND FALL ASLEEP, SUPPOSE I PICK UP ON IT AGAIN?

I DON'T WANNA GET TO THE PART WHERE THEY THROW DIRT ON ME.

NO, NO, NO, I... I NEED A BEER.

GLORIA, I AM INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE MORE INTERESTED IN FOOD.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S EQUAL.

DADDY WAS REALLY WORRIED.

HE HARDLY SAID A WORD ALL NIGHT.

YEAH, IT WAS A NICE EVENING.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

QUARTER PAST MIDNIGHT AND YOU'RE STILL SCRAVENGING DOWN HERE.

HE'S THE ONLY HUMAN BEING WHOSE MOUTH DON'T GET 8 HOURS SLEEP.

NICE TO SEE YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD AGAIN, ARCH.

ARCHIE, LET ME MAKE YOU A SANDWICH

NO, NO, NO. TO GO WITH YOUR BEER.

EDITH, DON'T WASTE NO FOOD ON ME.

AW.

OH, MIKE, YOU TALK TO HIM. OH, MA.

OH, YEAH, HE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.

DEEP DOWN HE RESPECTS YOU.

I HATE TO DIVE THAT DEEP.

HONEY.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY. I'LL TRY.

DADDY, MICHAEL HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.

AND YOU LISTEN TO HIM.

OH, WHAT'S THE USE? ARCH, LOOK.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK IN THIS MAGAZINE.

THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

LOOK WHAT IT SAYS HERE.

"BEWARE. THE FIGURES ARE UNSCIENTIFIC AND EXTREMELY IMPRECISE.

"THEY WILL PREDICT FOR ANY OF US

ONLY IN TERMS OF VERY ROUGH ODDS."

ARCH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE WHEN YOU'RE 57.

THE ONLY REAL INDICATION

OF HOW LONG A PERSON'S GONNA LIVE

I-IS HIS HEREDITY.

BUT I AIN'T GOT THAT.

I LOST THAT WITH MY APPENDIX, DIDN'T I?

ARCH, ARCH,

YOUR... YOUR HEREDITY IS... IS YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU TALK CLEAR?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. YOUR FATHER,

HOW OLD WAS YOUR FATHER WHEN HE DIED?

57.

IT'S A COINCIDENCE.

IT... IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR... Y-Y-YOUR GRANDFATHER?

HOW OLD WAS HE?

56.

YEAH, BUT HE WAS RUN OVER BY A STREETCAR.

I KNOW. IT CUT OFF THE LAST WHOLE YEAR OF HIS LIFE.

DADDY, YOUR GRANDFATHER PROBABLY WOULD'VE LIVED

TO BE A VERY OLD MAN.

HONEY, DOESN'T LONG LIFE USUALLY SKIP A GENERATION?

WELL, NOT IN THE BUNKER FAMILY.

WE GOT DEAD RELATIVES IN EVERY GENERATION.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK IN THE MORNING SO I'M GOING TO BED.

OH, YEAH. GO AHEAD, YEAH. THERE'S FEELING FOR YOU THERE.

ARCH, JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS

DIDN'T LIVE A LONG TIME DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T.

AAH!

OH, OH, OH, OH, ARCHIE!

ARCHIE, PLEASE DON'T SMOKE THAT.

WHY NOT? I ALREADY GAVE 2 YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR THIS.

MAYBE IF YOU GIVE UP SMOKIN' YOU'LL GET 'EM BACK.

AND THEN IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT YOU'LL GET A FEW MORE YEARS.

OH, NO, NO, IT'S TOO LATE, EDITH.

MY BUS HAS SAILED.

ARCH, MA'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT SILLY TEST

BUT I MEAN, IF YOU DID CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE,

MAYBE YOU COULD ADD A FEW YEARS.

GET RID OF THE THINGS THAT ARE CAUSING YOU AGGRAVATION.

I TELL YOU, HE'S GOT SOMETHIN' THERE.

THIS CITY LIFE.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS LIVIN' IN A SMALL TOWN

IT MIGHT ADD 10 YEARS TO ME, EDITH.

BUT ARCHIE, WHERE WOULD WE MOVE TO?

OH, GEE, CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA.

THERE'S MILLIONS OF SMALL TOWNS OUT THERE IN THE WEST.

"GO WEST, GO WEST," LIKE HORACE GREENBERG SAID.

AND IF I WENT WEST THERE

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO THAT ONE THING

I WANTED TO DO BEFORE I DIE.

WHAT'S THAT, ARCHIE?

RIDE A HORSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED HORSES.

OH, SURE, I ALWAYS BEEN NUTS ABOUT HORSES.

ASK EDITH THERE.

BUT WHERE THE HELL DO YOU EVER SEE A HORSE IN NEW YORK

UNLESS YOU OPEN UP A CAN OF DOG FOOD?

ARCH, UH, ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT MOVIN' OUT WEST?

CERTAINLY, I'M SERIOUS. WHY NOT?

GET OUT OF THE CITY, GET OUT OF THE RAT RACE.

GET OUT ON THE RANGE WHERE THE BUFFALOES ROAM.

"WHERE THE DEERS AND THE ANTELOPES PLAY

"WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISCOURAGING WORD

"AND THE SKIES SOMETHIN', SOMETHIN' ALL DAY"

YOU KNOW THAT DEATH QUIZ, EDITH?

MAYBE THAT TAUGHT US HOW TO LIVE.

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO LIST THIS HOUSE FOR SALE MONDAY MORNIN'.

ARCHIE, I THINK WE BETTER GO TO BED.

BUT THEN, YOU, MEATHEAD, YOU AND GLORIA'D BE OUT IN THE COLD, HUH?

ARCH, ARCH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME AND GLORIA.

Y-YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO?

HERE'S MY LITTLE GIRL. LISTEN, COME OVER HERE

AND SIT DOWN, SWEETHEART.

YOUR MOTHER AND I GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.

I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, DADDY.

YOU SEE, WE WERE TALKING THIS THING OVER...

I WAS WORKIN' OUT YOUR TEST UPSTAIRS

AND YOU GOT THE NUMBERS ALL MIXED UP HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 75.

HUH?

WELL, YOU SEE, YOU SUBTRACTED WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDED

AND THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE YOURSELF THE RIGHT BASE FIGURE

TO BEGIN WITH.

YOU SURE OF THAT?

YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 75 YEARS OLD.

HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.

75, HUH?

AND YOU HAD ME DEAD AT 63.

AND 4 MONTHS. AND 4 MONTHS!

AND YOU OVER HERE.

HOW OLD WAS I WHEN YOU KILLED ME OFF?

I... I DON'T KNOW, 57.57, YEAH!

YOU AND HER, YOU HAD ME DEAD AND BURIED.

TOOK MY LITTLE GIRL HERE TO DIG ME UP.

WELL, I'M ALIVE, AND I'M GONNA STAY ALIVE.

AND I'M GONNA EAT. MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

I'LL DRINK ALL THE DAMN BEER I WANT

AND I'LL SMOKE CIGARS RIGHT UP TO THE TIME I'M 75.

YOU AND YOUR POLACK ARITHMETIC!

OH, GLORIA, I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.

I KNOW, HONEY, I JUST CHANGED THE NUMBERS AROUND A BIT.

DADDY'S SO WORRIED ABOUT THIS STUPID TEST,

I THOUGHT I'D GIVE HIM AN EXTRA 18 YEARS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL HIM, ARE YOU?

NO, NO, DON'T TELL HIM. GIVE HIM THE 18 YEARS.

BESIDES, ARCHIE'S SO STUBBORN

IF HE THINKS HE'LL LIVE TO 75,

HE'LL DO IT EVEN IF IT KILLS HIM.

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

NOW THAT YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 75?

JEEZ, EDITH, WHO WOULDN'T?

BUT LISTEN,

NOW THAT TEST SAYS THAT YOU'RE GONNA GO ON TO 84, HUH?

YEAH, AND 6 MONTHS.

YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER, BUT, GEE, THAT MEANS,

WELL, THERE'S 9 1/2 LONELY YEARS

YOU GOTTA GO ON WITHOUT ME, HUH?

BUT I HAD A THOUGHT.

SUPPOSE YOU WAS TO TAKE UP SMOKIN' AND DRINKIN'?

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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