Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

? MY BLUE HEAVEN ?

? YOU'LL SEE A SMILIN' FACE ?

? A FIREPLACE, A COZY ROOM ?

? LITTLE NEST THAT NESTLES WHERE THE RO... ?

OH, ARCHIE!

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU. I WAS SINGIN'.

YOU KNOW THERE'S 3 CATS ON THE SIDEWALK

THAT WANNA MAKE A QUARTET WITH YOU?

I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

NOW, JUST HOLD THE DOOR OPEN HERE FOR ME NOW.

HOLD IT OPEN UNTIL I GET THIS IN, EDITH. OH.

KEEP IT WIDE OPEN THERE, HUH?

ARE YOU IN THE WAY? NO.

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

OH, JEEZ!

EDITH, I HURT THE KNUCKLES OF MY RIGHT HAND.

WHAT IS THAT FOR?

OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS FOR, EDITH.

I'M GONNA BUILD YOU AN OVERHANG FOR THE BACK PORCH OUT THERE.

SO THAT WHEN YOU'RE LUGGIN' THE GARBAGE OUT IN THE RAIN,

YOU DON'T GET WET.

OH.

ARCHIE, THAT'S SO THOUGHTFUL.

I BET I GOT THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD.

THAT AIN'T A BAD BET. THAT'S A SURE THING.

I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

LOOK, WE GOT AN EXTRA PLACE AT THE TABLE.

OH, YOU FINALLY WISED UP THAT MEATHEAD'S EATIN' FOR 2.

NO, WE'RE HAVING A GUEST.

A FRIEND OF YOURS FROM THE PLANT.

OH, YEAH? WHO? STRETCH CUNNINGHAM?

NO, IRENE LORENZO.

IRENE! OH, EDITH, WHY DID YOU INVITE HER?

THAT WOMAN ALWAYS TRAPS ME INTO ARGUMENTS I CAN'T WIN.

OH.

ARCHIE, I DON'T SEE MUCH OF HER

SINCE SHE GOT THAT FORKLIFTIN' JOB DOWN AT THE PLANT.

BUT, EDITH, I SEE HER EVERYDAY AT THE PLANT.

ONLY DOWN THERE, I GET PAID FOR LOOKING AT HER.

HERE, I GOT TO LOOK AT HER FOR NOTHING.

SHE WON'T STAY LONG.

HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THE STINK IN THE OVEN?

WHAT KIND OF AN ANIMAL YOU COOKING IN THERE?

IT AIN'T NO ANIMAL. IT'S FISH. HALIBUT.

FISH? EDITH, FRIDAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MY MEATLOAF THAT I LOVE.

I KNOW, ARCHIE, BUT IRENE IS CATHOLIC.

SO I GOTTA PAY FOR HER MISTAKE?

ARCHIE, BE NICE. AH, JEEZ.

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, ALL RIGHT FOR TONIGHT. WHAT'S DONE IS DID.

BUT FROM NOW ON, DON'T NEVER ASK THAT WOMAN AGAIN

WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST.

ALL RIGHT.

AND DON'T NEVER ASK ME.

HI, ARCH. HI, MA.

HI, MIKE.

MA, DID I GET ANY PHONE CALLS TODAY?

NO.

HOW COME WE'RE HAVING HALIBUT TONIGHT?

GEE, WITH A NOSE LIKE YOURS, YOU DON'T NEED EYES.

YOU KNOW, FRIDAY NIGHT,

YOU KNOW, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING MEATLOAF.

IRENE IS COMIN' OVER.

YEAH, THE REVEREND MOTHER FORKLIFT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE HAVIN' FISH HERE, AND I HATE FISH.

YEAH? I LIKE FISH.

WELL, JEEZ, YOU'D EAT ANYTHING THAT COULDN'T ESCAPE FROM YOU.

ALL MY LIFE, I STOOD AWAY FROM FISH.

YEAH, I KNEW THAT.

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

FISH IS A BRAIN FOOD.

GET AWAY FROM ME, HUH?

HI, DADDY. HI, MICHAEL.

HI, HONEY.

WHAT'S THAT PIECE OF WOOD DOIN' HERE?

OH, THAT. I'M GONNA BUILD AN OVERHANG

FOR YOUR MOTHER ON THE BACK PORCH THERE.

AND, MEATHEAD, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP TOMORROW, NAILING THAT THING UP.

OH, THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO BUY SOME NAILS

BECAUSE I USED THE LAST ONE TO FIX THE CELLAR STEP.

OH, NO, NO, NO, WE AIN'T GONNA HAVE TO BUY NOTHIN'.

I PICKED UP SOME NAILS DOWN AT WORK TODAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU "PICKED UP SOME NAILS DOWN AT WORK"?

I MEAN, THERE THEY WERE, AND HERE THEY ARE.

THEY DON'T BELONG TO YOU.

AH, THEY DO NOW.

BUT, ARCH, TAKING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, TH-TH-THAT'S STEALING.

AH, WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN' ABOUT STEALIN', ANYWAY?

IT AIN'T STEALIN'. NOT WHEN YOU TAKE IT FROM WORK.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL, UH, ONE OF YOUR FRINGE BENEFITS.

EVERYBODY DOES THAT.

NO, THEY DON'T, ARCH.

AND IF THEY DO, THEY'RE WRONG.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'.

DON'T YOU KNOW, BIG COMPANIES,

THEY ALWAYS ORDER EXTRA STUFF THERE

SO THE WORKERS CAN TAKE SOME HOME?

YOU SEE, THAT'S TO KEEP THE WORKERS FROM STEALING.

DADDY, MICHAEL'S RIGHT. IT'S NOT HONEST.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GO AGAINST YOUR DADDY?

I'M ONLY DOING WHAT YOU TAUGHT ME:

"NEVER TAKE ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU."

AND I NEVER HAVE.

W-W-W-WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE LITTLE LIPSTICKS THAT

YOU TAKE HOME FROM THE COSMETICS COUNTER?

MICHAEL, THOSE DON'T COUNT.

THOSE ARE JUST SAMPLES.

UH-UH, YOU'RE RATIONALIZING.

HONEY, WE GIVE THOSE AWAY FREE TO THE CUSTOMERS.

I JUST BROUGHT HOME A FEW FOR MYSELF.

ARE YOU A CUSTOMER?

WELL, NO. I...

I'M A CROOK. YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M A CROOK.

HOLD IT. HOLD IT. HOLD IT.

DON'T SAY YOU'RE A CROOK, JUST 'CAUSE OF HIM.

HE'D BE TAKING STUFF HOME FROM WORK, TOO, IF HE ONLY HAD WORK.

I NEVER TOOK ANYTHING THAT DIDN'T BELONG TO ME.

YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER.

OH, I'LL GET IT. THAT'S IRENE.

YEAH, GO OPEN THE DOOR FOR MRS. FISH.

HI, IRENE.

HI, EVERYBODY.

DINNER WILL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

OH, HERE'S SOME CHIANTI TO HAVE WITH DINNER.

OH, MY. OH, THANK YOU.

LOOK, ARCHIE, CHIANTI.

I LIKE MORGAN DAVIS BETTER.

GLORIA, WOULD YOU HELP ME, PLEASE?

SURE, MA.

IT'S A NICE RED WINE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO WELL WITH YOUR FRIDAY-NIGHT MEATLOAF.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "MEATLOAF"? WE'RE HAVING FISH.

IN HONOR OF YOUR RELIGION, WE SLAUGHTERED A FATTED HALIBUT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

WE CAN EAT MEAT ON FRIDAY.

OH, YEAH? SINCE WHEN?

SINCE THE POPE SAID WE COULD.

JEEZ, I KNEW HE WAS IN REAL ESTATE.

WHEN DID HE GO INTO THE MEAT BUSINESS?

I MAY HAVE TO GO TO CONFESSION TOMORROW.

WHY?

'CAUSE I MAY KILL YOU TONIGHT.

THAT AIN'T NICE, IRENE.

HEY, IRENE, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DID YOU EVER TAKE ANYTHING HOME FROM WORK?

WHAT?

OH, DON'T PAY NO ATTENTION TO HIM.

HE'S BUGGIN' ME, BECAUSE I'M GONNA DO SOME WORK OUT BACK,

AND I JUST BORROWED A FEW NAILS FROM THE PLANT.

YOU MEAN YOU TOOK A WHOLE BOX, ARCH.

IRENE, YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT TO TAKE THINGS FROM WORK?

NO, I'M AFRAID I WAS RAISED BY STRICTLY HONEST PARENTS.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK RAISED ME, BONNIE AND CLYDE?

WE'RE JUST TALKIN' ABOUT A FEW LOUSY NAILS HERE.

ARCHIE, WHAT WAS THIS DOIN' IN YOUR LUNCH BOX?

OH!

EDITH!

GIVE ME THAT DRILL!

DON'T BE ROOTING AROUND IN MY LUNCH BOX.

ARCHIE, THAT'S A COMPANY DRILL.

DID YOU TAKE THAT FROM WORK?

I DIDN'T TAKE NOTHIN'. I BORROWED IT FROM THE PLANT.

I'M GONNA BRING IT BACK MONDAY MORNING.

AND DON'T GO BLOWIN' ABOUT THIS DOWN AT WORK NOW.

ARCHIE, YOU'RE TAKING AN AWFUL RISK. AH.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE SIGNS MEAN ALL OVER THE PLANT?

AH, WHICH ONE?

"PILFERERS WILL BE PROSECUTED."

THAT MEANS, "QUEERS, STAY OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM."

ARCHIE, THAT MEANS, "NO STEALING."

HEY, I DIDN'T STEAL NOTHIN'.

AND IF I WANT A SERMON WITH MY DINNER,

I'LL GO TO THE SALIVATION ARMY.

NOW, JUST SHUT UP.

ARCHIE, IRENE IS OUR GUEST.

YOUR GUEST. I DIDN'T INVITE HER.

DINNER'S ON.

I THINK I'D BETTER LEAVE.

OH, NO, IRENE, PLEASE DON'T GO.

OH, LET HER GO.

NO! IRENE!

STAY. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

I'M SORRY, EDITH.

BUT IT'S EASIER TO NOT LISTEN TO HIM OVER AT MY HOUSE.

OH, ARCHIE, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO IRENE?

BUT HOW COULD SHE COME OVER HERE AND CALL ME A CROOK?

SHE DIDN'T CALL YOU A CROOK.

THAT WAS YOUR CONSCIENCE TALKIN' TO YOU.

MY CONSCIENCE DON'T TALK TO ME.

I DON'T BLAME IT. IT SHOULDN'T TALK TO A STRANGER.

ARCHIE, IRENE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, LET'S HAVE AN END TO THIS, WILL YOU? LET'S HAVE SOME DINNER.

NOW, COME ON, EDITH. THROW THE FISH ON THE TABLE HERE.

DON'T STAND THERE. MOVE IT.

NO, IT'S GONNA STAY RIGHT WHERE IT IS.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE FISH.

BUT, AFTER ALL, IT AIN'T REALLY FAIR

TO THESE TWO POOR HUNGRY KIDS STANDING HERE, EDITH.

NOW, COME ON, COME ON, LET'S EAT.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN. BUT I'M NOT HUNGRY.

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

YOU JUST KILLED MY APPETITE.

YOU COULDN'T KILL THAT WITH SILVER BULLETS AND A WOODEN STAKE.

YOU GONNA SIT DOWN WITH ME, OR AM I GONNA EAT ALONE HERE?

OH, ALL RIGHT, TAKE YOUR CHOICE THEN.

I'LL START WITH THE SALAD, AND A BEAUTIFUL SALAD IT IS.

LOOK AT THAT, MEATHEAD, WITH ALL THE CRISPY LETTUCE

AND THE TOMATOES THERE, SWISHING AROUND IN THE DRESSING.

YOU AIN'T GONNA EAT NONE.

I'LL JUST TAKE AN EXTRA HELPING FOR YOU.

YEAH, THERE WE ARE.

AH, LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE WE GOT HERE.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

OH, THE LOVELY FARKER HOUSE ROLLS.

STILL WARM, TOO.

JUST PUT A LITTLE OF THAT NICE CREAMERY BUTTERY ON THERE. AH.

MMM, BOY, IS THAT GOOD.

AH!

HEY, YOU BETTER TAKE IT EASY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR STOMACH AFTER THAT LONG FAST.

MICHAEL, YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T HUNGRY.

GLORIA, WE TRIED TO MAKE A POINT. WE LOST.

ACCEPT DEFEAT. EAT.

TRAITOR.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY IRENE'S DINNER.

AH, LOOK AT THIS. STILL MAD.

BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL WRONG, ARCH.

I MEAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THE WAY YOU DO. IT'S A SYSTEM.

THEY THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT TO CHEAT AND STEAL

BECAUSE THE BOSSES CAN AFFORD IT.

OH, LISTEN TO THIS COMMIE PINKO OVER HERE.

HE'S WORRIED ABOUT THE BOSSES NOW.

OH, MAYBE THAT'S IRENE!

AH, TELL HER WE'RE DONE EATING. WE JUMPED INTO BED.

HELLO?

OH, YEAH, OPERATOR, WAIT A MINUTE.

MIKE, IT'S A LONG-DISTANCE CALL FOR YOU. COLLECT.

HEY, COLLECT? HEY, HEY!

DON'T TAKE NO COLLECT CALLS ON THAT PHONE.

HEY, YOU TELL WHOEVER IT IS, YOU AIN'T HERE.

UH, UH, OPERATOR, MICHAEL STIVIC ISN'T HERE.

NO, NO, HE... HE WON'T BE HOME UNTIL SUNDAY.

YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BYE.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

THAT'S A LITTLE CODE I GOT WORKED OUT

WITH A FRIEND OF MINE IN CHICAGO.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR AN APARTMENT FOR HIM AND THAT WAS MY WAY

OF TELLING HIM TO CALL ME BACK ON SUNDAY.

OH, I GET IT. THAT WAY THAT CALL DOESN'T COST YOU ANYTHING.

RIGHT.

HEY.

YOU WENT AGAINST THE LAW. YOU STOLE A PHONE CALL.

I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A PHONE CALL.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? A SMOKE SIGNAL?

ARCH, I DIDN'T TALK TO MY FRIEND. I TALKED TO THE OPERATOR.

YOU GOT YOUR MESSAGE THROUGH AND YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT.

OH, POOR PHONE COMPANY. YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR PROFITS WERE LAST YEAR?

NOW YOU'RE RATIONALIZING, MICHAEL.

NO, HE AIN'T, HE'S STEALING.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT?

I GOT TO ADMIT IT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS I'M A VICTIM OF THE SYSTEM, TOO.

OH, LISTEN TO THIS GUY. WHEN HE TAKES SOMETHING, HE'S A POOR VICTIM.

AND WHEN I TAKE SOMETHING, I'M A CROOK.

LET ME REMIND YOU OF SOMETHING HERE, MEATHEAD.

LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS:

"LET HIM WHO IS WITHOUT SIN

BE THE ROLLIN' STONE."

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ARCHIE...

IF YOU ARE GONNA START TALKING ABOUT IRENE, EDITH, DON'T!

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT IRENE?

MAYBE I WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU.

OK, OK, GO AHEAD. WHAT WAS YOU GOING TO SAY ABOUT ME?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO NEXT DOOR AND TELL IRENE YOU'RE SORRY.

I AIN'T GONNA DO THAT BECAUSE I AIN'T SORRY.

I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE ALWAYS ACTING HOLIER-THAN-THOU!

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE THOU IS MOU. ME.

ARCHIE, SHE DIDN'T MEAN NOTHING.

OH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE DIDN'T MEAN NOTHING?

SHE CALLED ME A CROOK, DIDN'T SHE?

THAT AIN'T NICE, EDITH.

CALLING PEOPLE A NAME LIKE THAT.

IF I WAS A CROOK,

I WOULDN'T RUN OUT AND BOUGHT THIS PIECE OF FLYWOOD HERE, WOULD I?

NO! DID YOU?

OF COURSE I DID.

YOU CAN'T WALK INTO A LUMBERYARD

AND JUST WALK AWAY WITH SOMETHING, EDITH,

UNLESS YOU WORK THERE.

NOW, CAN'T YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE THERE?

NO.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M TALKING TO YOU IN ENGLISH

AND YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME IN DINGBAT.

OPEN UP THE DOOR FOR ME THERE, HUH?

I WANNA GET THIS THROUGH TO THE OUTSIDE.

YOU'RE IN THE WAY. YOU'RE IN THE WAY.

I'M SORRY. YOU'RE IN THE WAY, EDITH.

OH, JEEZ, I HURT THE KNUCKLES OF MY RIGHT HAND AGAIN.

AND GET THE MEATHEAD. TELL HIM TO COME OUT HERE AND HELP ME.

I GOT TO START DRILLING NOW.

YEAH, RIGHT AWAY.

OH, MIKE?

ARCHIE SAID, "PLEASE GO OUT BACK AND HELP HIM."

ARCHIE SAID "PLEASE"?

NO, I PUT THAT IN.

OH, MA, DID YOU TALK WITH IRENE YET?

OH, YEAH, I CALLED HER THIS MORNING.

I TOLD HER HOW SORRY I WAS ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

MA, WHAT ARE YOU SORRY ABOUT?

IT WAS ALL ARCHIE'S FAULT.

DAMN, DAMN DUMB BIT!

LOOK AT THIS.

THE BIT HERE BUSTED ON ME.

THEY GOT THE CHEAPEST TOOLS DOWN WHERE I WORK.

ARCHIE, IF YOU MAKE UP WITH IRENE, MAYBE SHE'LL FIX IT.

NO, NO, NO, DON'T EVEN REMIND HER THAT I GOT THE DRILL,

LET ALONE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE BUSTED BIT HERE.

SHE MIGHT TURN ME IN TO THE SHOP FOREMAN.

OH, IRENE WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TELL HIM YOU STOLE IT.

I DID NOT STEAL NOTHING, EDITH.

HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU THERE'S A DIFFERENCE, SEE?

WHEN YOU STEAL SOMETHING, IT'S GONE FOREVER.

WHEN YOU BORROW SOMETHING...

IT'S MISSING IN ACTION.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AND MAKE 9 OR 10 ILLEGAL PHONE CALLS?

HEY, AT LEAST I ADMITTED I WAS WRONG.

THAT'S BETTER THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOU.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD.

NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHEN THEY'VE DONE A WRONG THING.

WELL, MAYBE WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS

A WHOLE NEW SET OF COMMANDMENTS.

WHY DON'T YOU CLIMB A MOUNTAIN AND WRITE SOME?

THEN WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, JUMP OFF THE MOUNTAIN.

ARCH, IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU ARE WRONG,

WHY ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT IRENE MIGHT TELL THE BOSSES?

WELL, ONLY BECAUSE IT DON'T SOUND GOOD DOWN AT THE PLANT.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU MAKE IT UP TO HER, DADDY?

WHY DON'T YOU CALL UP HER AND INVITE HER OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

YOUR MOTHER DONE THAT LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S HOW ALL THE TROUBLE GOT STARTED HERE. YOUR FAULT, EDITH.

OH, ARCHIE, PLEASE.

IRENE IS SUCH A NICE FRIEND.

YOU WERE SO ROTTEN TO HER LAST NIGHT,

I WOULDN'T BLAME HER IF SHE DID TELL THE BOSS.

HEY, EDITH.

JUST TO BE SAFE,

GET ON THE TELEPHONE, CALL UP IRENE,

TELL HER WE'RE ALL SORRY OVER HERE.

"WE"? DADDY, IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.

AND MA CAN'T MAKE YOUR APOLOGY FOR YOU.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT! I'LL TELL HER MYSELF.

ARCHIE, BE SURE YOU MEAN IT.

WHEN YOU TALK TO IRENE, YOU GOTTA BE SORRY.

ANYTIME I TALK TO IRENE, I'M SORRY.

OH, HI THERE, IRENE.

LONG TIME NO SEE SINCE LAST NIGHT.

I MAY AS WELL TELL YOU, ARCHIE,

I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE EDITH SAID YOU WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. GET IN, HUH?

SIT DOWN SOMEPLACE. TAKE A LOAD OFF YOUR FEET.

HEY, YOU CAN EVEN SIT IN MY CHAIR,

IF THE MEATHEAD WOULD GET THE HELL OUT OF IT!

HI, IRENE. HI, DEAR.

CAN'T YOU GO OVER AND JOIN HIM?

UH, NOW.

WHAT I WANTED TO SAY, UH, IRENE...

DID YOU SAY IT?

GIVE ME A BREAK, HUH? THE WOMAN JUST CROSSED OVER THE FRESHOLD HERE.

NOW WHAT I...

DON'T BREATHE ON ME, HUH?

CAN'T YOU STAND OVER THERE?

NOW WHAT I MEAN TO SAY, IRENE, IS, UH,

I... I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT

AND CAN'T WE BE WHAT WE WAS BEFORE?

GEE, I WAS HOPING WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

HEY, I WENT OUT, AND I SPRUNG $1.68 A POUND FOR SHOULDER OF LAMB.

YOU CAN'T GET FRIENDLIER THAN THAT, IRENE.

NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY, FRIENDS?

ARCHIE, I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY FOR YOU TO APOLOGIZE.

BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.

YEAH, 'CAUSE I MEAN, AFTER ALL, WE WORK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW IT DON'T DO YOU NO GOOD

TO HAVE A MORTAL ENEMY DOWN AT WORK.

IF YOU WAS TO BRING A... A DRILL HOME

TO DO SOME WORK AT YOUR HOUSE THERE,

WELL, I MEAN I WOULDN'T SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT IT.

AND I FIGURE YOU WOULDN'T DO THE SAME FOR ME THERE, IRENE.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

WHAT IS THERE TO SNITCH ABOUT?

IT IS WRONG. WHY CAN'T YOU ADMIT IT?

I ADMITTED I WAS WRONG FOR CHEATING THE PHONE COMPANY.

YEAH, AND I WAS WRONG FOR BRINGING HOME THOSE COSMETICS.

AND I WAS WRONG FOR TAKIN' A BITE OUT OF THAT PRETZEL.

WHOSE PRETZEL?

WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD,

MY MOTHER TOOK ME TO THE PARK,

AND THERE WAS THIS LITTLE OLD PRETZEL MAN

WITH THIS STICK FULL OF PRETZELS.

AND WHEN THE OLD MAN WASN'T LOOKIN',

I TOOK A BITE OUT OF ONE OF HIS PRETZELS.

THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY.

I BET THE F.B.I. STILL HAS YOUR TOOTH MARKS ON FILE.

LET'S HAVE AN END TO THIS WHOLE THING NOW. I SAY, CASE CLOSED.

BUT, ARCH, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO TALK ABOUT.

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

MAYBE I CAN EXPLAIN AND...

WILL YOU SHUT... I MEAN WHY BOTHER?

ARCHIE, JUST LOOK AT IT IN TERMS OF DOLLARS AND CENTS.

WE HAVE 233 EMPLOYEES DOWN AT THE PLANT.

NOW... NOW LOOK,

SUPPOSING ONLY HALF OF THEM TOOK A DOLLAR'S WORTH OF SUPPLIES EVERY WEEK,

THAT WOULD BE, A HALF OF 233 TIMES 52 AND...

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, WAIT A MINUTE THERE, IRENE.

THERE'S SOMETHING THERE I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

HERE, HERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE DOIN' WITH A COMPANY PEN.

WHAT?

IT SAYS THERE, "PENDERGAST TOOL AND DYE COMPANY."

HOW LONG YOU BEEN STEALING PENS, IRENE?

I DIDN'T STEAL THAT.

THEN HOW COME YOU GOT THAT?

I GAVE IT TO HER. YOU GOT A DRAWER FULL OF THEM.

BABYFACE BUNKER STRIKES AGAIN!

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE BACK THAT APOLOGY, IRENE?

WHY DID YOU APOLOGIZE ANYWAY?

'CAUSE THE WOMEN NAGGED ME.

I THINK YOU ONLY MADE UP WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID I'D TELL THE BOSS ABOUT THE DRILL.

SO WHAT, I'M FEEDING YOU LAMB, AIN'T I?

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS NOW.

LET'S ALL SIT DOWN AND EAT.

COME ON, LET'S EAT.

EDITH, I'M NOT SURE I CAN STAY.

WHY CAN'T YOU?

JUST PUT YOUR KEISTER IN A CHAIR AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

I'M LEAVING BEFORE I SAY SOMETHING I'M SORRY FOR.

OH, NO! NO, IRENE, PLEASE DON'T GO!

EDITH, FORGIVE ME. I JUST CAN'T STAY.

THIS IS A GREAT PLACE TO EAT IF YOU'RE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WELL, YOU DID IT AGAIN.

NOW SHE MAY NEVER COME BACK AGAIN.

YOU MADE HER EVEN MADDER THAN SHE WAS LAST NIGHT.

I THINK I... I KNOW WHAT I BETTER DO.

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA MAKE UP WITH IRENE?

NO, I'M GONNA GET RID OF THE DRILL.

I'M GONNA PUT IT IN MY LUNCH BOX,

SO I REMEMBER FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING,

I GOT TO GET UP EARLY AND BRING IT BACK.

NO TIME EVEN FOR BREAKFAST THERE, EDITH.

SHOW YOU THE KIND OF GUY I AM,

I'M GONNA HAVE THAT DRILL BACK ON THE TOOL SHELF BEFORE ANYBODY GETS THERE.

I DON'T WANT THE COMPANY THAT'S BEEN GOOD TO ME FOR MANY, MANY YEARS

TO WORRY FOR ONE MOMENT ABOUT A STOLEN DRILL I GOT HERE.

MA,

WHEN ARCHIE GOES INTO ALL THAT DOUBLE TALK,

DO YOU EVER BUY THAT?

I DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT. IT'S FREE.

EDITH, EDITH, GET OUT HERE! GET OUT HERE!

GET OUT HERE. GET OUT HERE. GET OUT HERE.

LOOK OUT ON THAT BACK PORCH.

I DON'T SEE NOTHIN'.

THAT'S THE POINT.

MY HUNK OF FLYWOOD IS RIPPED OFF.

WHAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD IS THIS GETTIN' TO BE AROUND HERE?

HEY, ALL OF YOUS!

I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO KEEP A WILD DOG TO PROTECT ONE HUNK OF FLYWOOD.

GUESS I'M THE ONLY HONEST GUY LEFT ON THE WHOLE BLOCK.

AND WHAT'S MY REWARD FOR THAT?

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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