Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

OH.

HI, MA.

OH, HI, GLORIA. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

LOUSY.

THAT'S NICE.

OH, BOY, MA, THERE WERE MILLION PEOPLE

AT KRESSLER'S TODAY

AND ALL OF THEM AT THE COSMETIC COUNTER.

M-MA, WHAT YOU DOING HERE?

I'M SETTIN' THE TABLE.

OH.

YEAH, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

YOU GOT A KNIFE HERE, 2 FORKS AND A SPOON

AND... AND HERE YOU GOT A SPOON,

2 FORKS AND A KNIFE.

AND THERE YOU GOT 2 SPOONS AND 2 KNIVES,

AND OVER THERE YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

THAT AIN'T RIGHT, IS IT?

OK, MA, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

ARCHIE.

THAT'LL DO IT.

HE'S HAVIN' A FIT.

HE SAYS HE DON'T WANT MY COUSIN ESTELLE AND RALPH

COMIN' TO VISIT US NEXT WEEK,

AND I ALREADY ASKED THEM.

WELL, HOW CAN HE SAY THAT?

AND WHEN YOU AND HE WENT TO PHILADELPHIA TO VISIT THEM,

THEY SHOWED YOU A REALLY GREAT TIME.

WELL, HE SAYS THAT IT'S EASY FOR THEM

TO BE NICE TO HIM 'CAUSE THEY LIKE HIM.

BUT IT'S HARD FOR HIM TO BE NICE TO THEM.

MA, MA,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU'VE ALREADY INVITED 'EM?

OH, I WROTE 'EM A LETTER.

I SAID THE FURNACE WAS BROKE DOWN,

AND THE PLUMBIN' DIDN'T WORK,

AND THE HOUSE WAS BEIN' PAINTED.

MA, HOW COULD YOU LIE LIKE THAT?

ARCHIE TOLD ME TO.

BUT I TORE THE LETTER UP,

CAUSE' AS SOON AS I READ IT I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME.

OH, I'M GLAD YOU DID, MA.

YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T FAIR.

ESTELLE IS YOUR FAVORITE COUSIN

AND IF YOU WANT 'EM HERE,

YOU SHOULD HAVE AN EQUAL SAY ABOUT IT.

WE DID.

I SAID THEY COULD COME AND ARCHIE SAID THEY COULDN'T.

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER SAY

AND TELL HIM ESTELLE AND RALPH ARE COMING, PERIOD.

OH, I CAN'T DO THAT, GLORIA.

'CAUSE ARCHIE ALREADY SAID CASE CLOSED.

BUT, MA, WHAT KIND OF... MA.

WHAT KIND OF A MARRIAGE IS IT

WHEN ONE PARTNER IS ALWAYS GIVIN' THE ORDERS

AND THE OTHER ONE ALWAYS HAS TO OBEY?

WELL, THE WORD "OBEY" WAS IN OUR MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN THE WORD "OBEY" OUT.

MMM-HMM.

THE MINISTER ASKED US IF WE WANTED IT IN,

AND ARCHIE SAID, " YES, AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE."

WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS GIVE IN TO ARCHIE.

OH, NO? HEH.

GLORIA,

OUR MARRIAGE MAY NOT BE PERFECT, BUT IT WORKS.

AND MY FATHER ALWAYS SAID,

"IF SOMETHIN' WORKS, DON'T FIX IT."

BUT, MA,

YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP THINGS BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF YOU.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. YOU GOTTA GET 'EM OUT.

THAT'S WHAT MICHAEL AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO LATELY.

LIKE, THIS MORNING, I WAS REALLY MAD AT HIM.

BUT HE HAD TO GO OFF TO SCHOOL,

AND I HAD TO GO TO WORK,

SO WE AGREED TO PUT OFF OUR ARGUMENT UNTIL TONIGHT.

YOU MEAN YOU AND MIKE MAKE APPOINTMENTS TO HAVE FIGHTS?

SORT OF.

IT'S WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS ARE CALLING "FAIR FIGHTING."

MICHAEL BROUGHT HOME A BOOK ON IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU AND DADDY OUGHT TO TRY THAT.

FAIR FIGHTIN'?

YEAH, THEY'RE TELLIN' PEOPLE TO GET THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN.

YOU KNOW, LET OFF STEAM, MA.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU HOLD THINGS THING INSIDE

AND YOU BOTTLE 'EM UP, IT'S CALLED GUNNYSACKING.

AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.

SOME COUPLES ARE EVEN TAKIN' LESSONS IN FIGHTING.

OH, I DON'T THINK ARCHIE NEEDS LESSONS.

I'M HOME.

AH, HE'S HERE.

HI, HONEY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

DO YOU CARE, MICHAEL? DO YOU REALLY CARE?

CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED, CAN YOU?

ALL RIGHT. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT

THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE, HUH?

I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT A PROBLEM I HAD AT WORK,

AND ONCE AGAIN YOU FELL ASLEEP ON ME.

GLORIA, GLORIA, I'M ALWAYS HOME BY 6:00.

WE HAVE ALL EVENING TO TALK.

WHY DO YOU WAIT TILL WE GET INTO BED

BEFORE YOU START TALKIN'?

BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE I CAN GET YOUR ATTENTION.

FUNNY, FUNNY.

YOU GOT MY ATTENTION. I'M HERE. WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

IT'S TOO LATE.

I HAD TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM ALL BY MYSELF.

NO THANKS TO YOU.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME

BECAUSE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP, YOU SOLVED THE PROBLEM?

THAT'S DUMB, GLORIA. THAT'S JUST PLAIN DUMB.

NOW DON'T CALL ME DUMB. THAT'S HITTING BELOW THE BELT.

HI, MIKE.

BESIDES OUR PROBLEM IS NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS, MICHAEL,

I COULD PUT A STRANGE WOMAN IN THE BED WITH YOU

AND YOU'D NEVER EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

YES, I WOULD.

I WOULDN'T FALL ASLEEP.

YOU'RE INSENSITIVE, MICHAEL.

YOU'RE AN INSENSITIVE, SELFISH MAN.

WOULD YOU TWO MIND HOLDIN' UP YOUR FIGHT APPOINTMENT

UNTIL AFTER DINNER?

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, THERE USED TO BE...

GLORIA, GLORIA, HOLD IT.

I THINK YOUR MOTHER'S GOT A POINT.

I FIGHT MUCH BETTER AFTER I'VE EATEN.

WELL, I DON'T. AND YOU KNOW THE RULES:

ONCE WE START WE'VE GOT TO FINISH.

YOU MEAN THEY GOT RULES NOW FOR FAMILY FIGHTS?

WELL, YEAH, MA. THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT FAIR FIGHTING.

AND ONE OF THE MAIN RULES IS NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HIT NOWHERE.

NO, MA. IT JUST MEANS

THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING

THAT YOUR PARTNER IS SENSITIVE ABOUT.

LIKE, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MENTION THE FACT

THAT I'M WORKING TO SUPPORT MICHAEL.

UH, CAREFUL, GLORIA.

YOU KNOW, THAT I'M THE BREADWINNER

AND HE'S THE FREELOADER.

GLORIA.

OH, MICHAEL, I'M JUST TELLING MA

WHAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU.

WELL, I NEVER EVEN THINK OF YOU AS A FREELOADER, HONEY.

SEE, MA, WE ALL HAVE A WEAK SPOT.

LIKE IN GLORIA'S CASE, IT'S HER EDUCATION.

WATCH IT, MICHAEL.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BRING UP THE FACT

THAT I'M A COLLEGE MAN

AND SHE'S ONLY A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.

OK!

I... I CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE

THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU, GLORIA.

THIS IS WAY OVER YOUR HEAD.

YOU'RE CUTTIN' IT CLOSE, STIVIC.

SO WHEN WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT,

WHEN WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT,

I HAVE TO USE SIMPLE WORDS SO SHE CAN UNDERSTAND.

FOUL! FOUL!

THAT'S HITTING WAY BELOW THE BELT!

WELL, WHAT ABOUT FREELOADER, HUH?

DON'T YOU THINK FREELOADER IS HITTIN' BELOW THE BELT?

I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS KIND OF FIGHTIN'.

ALL RIGHT. FREELOADER WAS ROTTEN.

IT WAS ROTTEN.

ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

BUT ARE YOU SORRY FOR FALLING ASLEEP ON ME

LAST NIGHT WHILE I WAS TALKING TO YOU?

YEAH, I'M SORRY.

YEAH?

YEAH.

I PROMISE I...

FROM NOW ON I'LL LISTEN TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.

I-I-I'LL NEVER SLEEP WHEN I'M LISTENIN' TO YOU.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF YOU TALK IN YOUR SLEEP,

I'LL WAKE UP TO LISTEN TO YOU.

OK?

OK.

OH, I LIKE THE WAY IT ENDS UP.

YOU SEE, MA?

AFTER MICHAEL AND I HAVE A FAIR FIGHT,

WE'RE EVEN CLOSER THAN WE USED TO BE.

AND IT'D WORK THE SAME FOR YOU AND DADDY, TOO.

YEAH, YEAH, MA, YOU SEE, A MAN RESPECTS A WOMAN

WHO ISN'T ALWAYS BACKIN' DOWN.

I... I LOVE GLORIA MORE BECAUSE SHE STANDS UP TO ME.

AND DADDY WILL FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.

YOU'LL SEE.

JUST DON'T BE AFRAID TO FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHOOP-DEE-DOO.

WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ON THE SUBWAY TODAY.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

WHAT'S WONDERFUL?

WHATEVER HAPPENED.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IS WONDERFUL

UNLESS I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY COULDN'T YOU WAIT?

OH, I'M SORRY. WHAT HAPPENED?

I FOUND A $20 BILL. HA HA.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

YEAH. AIN'T IT BETTER NOW THAT YOU'VE WAITED, HUH? YEAH.

IT LOOKED DOWN ON THE SUBWAY FLOOR, EDITH,

AND THERE IT WAS.

AND YOU PICKED IT UP.

NO, NO, I PUT MY FOOT ON IT

TILL IT WAS TIME TO GET ON TO THE SUBWAY,

THEN I PICKED IT UP.

DIDN'T YOU ASK NOBODY IF THEY LOST IT?

YOU NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS ON THE SUBWAY.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE CARRYIN' THIS KIND OF DOUGH.

BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE FEELING SO GOOD

'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' TO TELL YOU.

GO AHEAD.

REMEMBER THE LETTER

THAT YOU TOLD ME TO WRITE TO MY COUSIN ESTELLE

TO TELL HER NOT TO COME?

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?

I NEVER SENT IT.

EDITH, NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

TONIGHT I FEEL SO GOOD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA GO INTO THE KITCHEN

AND GET MY OWN BEER MYSELF FOR ME.

? WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHOOP-DEE-DOO ?

? DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ?

IT WORKED.

THERE'S SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.

THE GUY WHO PUTS HIS FOOT

ON THE $20 BILL ON THE SUBWAY, THAT'S ARCHIE.

BUT THAT NICE GUY WHO JUST

WHOOP-DEE-DOOED HIMSELF INTO THE KITCHEN,

THAT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

MAYBE HE DIDN'T HEAR ME.

I BETTER GO TELL HIM AGAIN.

NO, MA. WHY PUSH YOUR LUCK?

I MEAN, THAT GOOD MOOD HE'S IN FROM FINDING THAT MONEY

COULD WEAR OFF AT ANY TIME.

YEAH, $20 DOESN'T GO AS FAR AS IT USED TO.

I BETTER MAKE SURE.

MA.

ARCHIE, I THOUGHT YOU CAME IN HERE TO GET A BEER.

YEAH, BUT I SEEN THIS FIRST.

OH, BUT THAT'S DESSERT.

YOU AIN'T HAD YOUR DINNER YET.

ARCHIE, DID YOU HEAR

WHAT I SAID IN THERE ABOUT COUSIN ESTELLE?

YEAH, YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T SEND HER THAT LETTER.

WELL, FINE.

OH, I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

'CAUSE LETTERS CAN GET LOST IN THE MAIL.

WHAT I THINK YOU OUGHT TO DO IS

GET ON A TELEPHONE TO PHILLY

AND TELL YOUR COUSIN FATSO AND HER HUSBAND

THAT THEY CAN'T COME HERE.

I WAS WRONG, THAT'S ARCHIE.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

NO GUNNYSACKING.

FAIR FIGHT!

DO IT!

ARCHIE.

YEAH?

I DON'T WANNA CALL PHILADELPHIA.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

JUST REVERSE THE CHARGES, FATSO CAN AFFORD IT.

NO!

I MEAN, I REFUSE TO CALL ESTELLE.

OH.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE?

YOU... YOU...

RUN 'EM WORDS PAST ME ONCE AGAIN?

I AIN'T GONNA CALL ESTELLE

AND I AIN'T GONNA WRITE HER, NEITHER.

MY MIND IS MADE UP. CASE CLOSED.

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I'M THE ONLY ONE

THAT CLOSES CASES AROUND HERE.

NOW, DON'T BE ACTIN' LIKE A DINGBAT.

OOH, FOUL. YOU JUST HIT ME BELOW THE BELT.

I'M OVER HERE. I NEVER COME NEAR YOU.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

ARE THEM TWO PUTTIN' YOU UP TO SOME KIND OF A GAG?

OH, NO, NO, ARCHIE.

I JUST THINK

THAT WE SHOULD TRY SOMETHIN' NEW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

THE FAIR FIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE.

WE AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO FIGHT.

YEAH, WE ARE.

NO, WE AIN'T.

YES, WE ARE.

NO, WE AIN'T.

YES, WE ARE.

WHY ARE WE GONNA FIGHT?

SO WE CAN BE CLOSER THAN EVER.

AND... AND STAY HAPPILY MARRIED.

ARE YOU GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE AGAIN?

MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A 2-WAY STREET.

WHAT WAS THAT?

MA HAS THE RIGHT TO AIR HER FEELINGS.

SHE CAN HANG HER FEELINGS ON A CLOTHESLINE FOR ALL I CARE.

I DON'T WANT HER FEELINGS BRUNG TO THIS HERE TABLE.

ARCHIE, I...

I DON'T WANNA HEAR NO MORE ABOUT FAIR FIGHTS,

OR FOULS BELOW THE BELT OR GUNNY BAGGIN'S.

GUNNYSACK.

WHATEVER, WHATEVER.

ARCHIE, GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON

WHY YOU DON'T WANT COUSIN ESTELLE VISITIN' US?

I'LL GIVE YOU 4 OF THEM.

SHE DYES HER HAIR, SHE NEVER SHUTS HER BIG YAP,

AND SHE'S GOT A REAR END LIKE A BUS.

YOU SAID 4.

SHE MARRIED A CREEP.

DADDY, RALPH HAPPENS TO BE

ONE OF THE BEST VETERINARIANS IN PHILADELPHIA.

HE'S GOT FLEAS.

AND I DON'T WANT FLEAS SLEEPIN' IN THIS HOUSE.

AND IF HE'S SUCH A GREAT ANIMAL DOCTOR,

HOW COME HIS OFFICE IS RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THE ANIMAL CEMETERY?

ARCHIE,

THEY'RE INVITIN' US TO PHILADELPHIA ALL THE TIME.

WELL, THEY GOT A BIG HOUSE DOWN THERE IN PHILADELPHIA.

EDITH, THEY GOT A LOT OF ROOM. WE AIN'T GOT NO ROOM.

THEY COME UP HERE TO STAY,

WHERE THE HELL THEY GONNA SLEEP?

WELL, THEY COULD USE OUR ROOM.

AH, GEE, YOU WOMEN,

WHERE ARE YOUS TWO GONNA SLEEP?

WE'LL SLEEP DOWN HERE ON THE ROLLAWAY BED.

YEAH.

YOUS TWO SLEEPIN' ON WHEELS?

THAT LIVIN' ROOM WILL BE LIKE THE INDIANAPOLIS SPEEDWAY.

THAT WAS GROSS.

I'M GLAD YOU ADMIT IT.

NOW SHUT UP.

MICHAEL?

JUST STAY OUT OF IT.

DON'T TELL HER WHAT TO DO.

SHE'S MY WIFE!

SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER BEFORE SHE WAS YOUR WIFE.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO FIGHT WITH THEM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT WITH ME.

WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING FOR,

THE WORST DINGBAT TITLE?

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO CALL ME NAMES NEITHER.

AH. FAIR FIGHTIN', ARCHIE.

THAT'S RIGHT, MA.

AND YOU SHOULDN'T CALL MY COUSIN NAMES, NEITHER.

I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE. MIKE AND GLORIA ARE NICE...

WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?

DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR MY SIDE OF THE STORY?

NO, I DO NOT.

AND FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS HOUSE IS OFF LIMITS

TO COUSIN FATSO AND HER HUSBAND, DOGFACE.

I'LL GET IT.

HE'S NOT GETTIN' OUT OF THIS THING SO EASY.

ARCH, YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM A PROBLEM.

JEEZ, YOU'RE THE BEST PROOF OF THAT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING. YOU'RE HIDING.

YOU'RE ESCAPING INTO THE SECURITY OF THE KITCHEN

LIKE A CHILD TRYING TO RETURN TO THE WOMB.

NO SEX WHILE I'M EATIN' HERE.

WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MA'S SIDE?

SHE WANTS TO SAY THAT,

LET HER WRITE TO DEAR ABBY,

I'LL READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPERS.

YOU'RE AFRAID SHE MIGHT BE RIGHT.

THAT'S IT, ARCH.

YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ANYTHING NEW, LIKE FAIR FIGHTING.

YOU CAN'T TAKE CHANGE.

THERE'S A TECHNICAL TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.

THERE'S A TECHNICAL TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.

THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.

TOTAL INABILITY TO FACE REALITY,

SO YOU GIVE IT THE RASPBERRY.

YOU GOT A POINT.

YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM THE TRUTH, ARCH.

I WISH TO HELL YOU'D RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

THAT CALL FOR ME?

NO, IT'S COUSIN ESTELLE.

OH, DON'T TELL ME PHILADELPHIA FATS IS IN TOWN.

NO! SHE CALLED TO SAY

THAT THEY CAN'T MAKE IT NEXT WEEK.

OH, GEE, WHAT A SHAME, EDITH?

TO WHAT DO WE OWE THIS, MISFORTUNATE FLUKE OF LUCK?

RALPH GOT VERY BUSY.

HE HAD A LOT OF SICK ANIMALS TO LOOK AFTER.

OH, THAT'S WHAT HE OUGHT TO DO.

STAY THERE, STAY THERE.

WHEN A DOG IS THROWIN' UP,

HE WANTS TO KNOW HIS OWN DOCTOR'S IN TOWN.

IF ESTELLE CAN'T MAKE IT,

I GUESS YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK, MA.

SO FORGET IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, FORGET IT.

AND STOP STEAMIN' YOUR MOTHER UP OVER NOTHIN'.

NOTHIN'?

THAT'S RIGHT. NOTHIN'.

OH, WHAT YOU THINK IS NOTHIN' MAYBE SOMETHIN' TO ME.

JUST LIKE WHAT'S NOTHIN' TO ME IS SOMETHIN' TO YOU.

ONLY, I WOULD NEVER SAY TO YOU

YOUR NOTHIN' IS NOTHIN',

BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHIN' TO YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST SAID.

I JUST SAID THAT YOU OUGHT TO RESPECT

MY FEELINGS SOMETIMES, ARCHIE.

I ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS.

NOW SIT THE HELL DOWN.

NO!

I AIN'T GONNA SIT DOWN

JUST 'CAUSE YOU TELL ME TO SIT DOWN.

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE UP THERE ON YOUR FEET,

UH, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT GETTIN' ME A BEER?

NO. I AIN'T GONNA GET YOU A BEER

JUST 'CAUSE YOU TELL ME TO GET YOU A BEER.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT SHUTTIN' UP?

NO! I AIN'T GONNA SHUT UP.

I'VE GOT A RIGHT TO TALK JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.

NOW, LISTEN,

YOU'RE GONNA DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!

OR ELSE...

OR ELSE, WHAT?

I'LL GO TO KELSEY'S.

NO!

YEAH, I'LL GO TO KELSEY'S NOW. NO, NO. YOU CAN'T.

LOOK AT HER, SHE'S CHARGIN' ME.

NO, YOU GOT TO STAY IN HERE.

YOU GOT TO FINISH THE FIGHT.

OH, NO. I'M GETTIN' AWAY FROM YOU, EDITH. RIGHT NOW.

NO, YOU AIN'T. NO, YOU CAN'T.

OH, YES.

AND WHEN I COME BACK FROM KELSEY'S,

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA SLEEP ON THE SOFA THERE.

NO, YOU AIN'T. YES, I AM.

NO, YOU AIN'T. YES, I AM!

NO, YOU AIN'T! YES! WHY AIN'T I?

BECAUSE I'M GONNA SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

NO, YOU AIN'T.

YES, I AM!

OK, EDITH,

YOU GOT A DEAL.

OH, ARCHIE.

YOU GOT A DEAL.

YOU GOT A DEAL. YOU GOT A DEAL.

MA. WHY DIDN'T YOU LET DADDY SLEEP ON THE COUCH?

'CAUSE I WAS TRYIN' TO STAND UP TO HIM,

LIKE YOU TOLD ME.

OH. OH.

MA.

OH, OH, OH.

OH, I GUESS I BETTER GO UPSTAIRS

AND GET SOME SHEETS AND A BLANKET.

JEEZ, I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP THERE, EDITH.

I THOUGHT I'D COME DOWN AND WATCH A LITTLE T.V.

T.V. AT THIS HOUR?

IT MUST BE AFTER MIDNIGHT.

OH, YEAH, IT IS.

BUT I SEE BY THE T.V. GUIDE

THEY'RE RUNNIN' A TERRIFIC MOVIE TONIGHT.

OZZIE AND HARRIET IN HERE COME THE NELSONS.

OH.

WILL IT KEEP YOU AWAKE IF I WATCH IT?

OH, NO. I CAN SLEEP THROUGH THAT ONE.

UNLESS YOU'D RATHER FIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT ONE OF THEM FAIR FIGHTS,

IF IT'D MAKE YOU HAPPY.

THANK YOU, ARCHIE.

MAYBE IN THE MORNING.

WELL, I KIND OF THINK

THAT I KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY.

WHAT?

A SAUSAGE PIZZA.

A PIZZA?

YEAH, THERE'S A NEW ALL-NIGHT JOINT

ABOUT 4 BLOCKS FROM HERE.

I SEEN THE DAGO THROWIN' THE DOUGH AROUND IN THE WINDOW.

I GO UP THERE AND GET DRESSED,

AND I COULD GO OUT IN THE COLD

AND GET YOU ONE.

YOU KNOW, UNLESS YOU FEEL LIKE, UH,

GETTIN' OUT OF THE COUCH

AND MAKIN' ME A SANDWICH IN THE KITCHEN.

OH, GEE, I'D BE GLAD

TO FIX SOMETHING FOR YOU IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.

YEAH, BUT I... I WOULDN'T WANT TO, UH,

MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A SERVANT THERE, EDITH,

IF YOU'RE JUST MAKIN' ME A SANDWICH LIKE A GOOD WIFE SHOULD.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE A SERVANT.

YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, I-I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN' ELSE THERE, EDITH.

AS LONG AS WE'RE, YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU CALL EQUAL PARTNERS,

UH, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE US BOTH A SANDWICH?

OK?

OK.

OH, NAH. AIN'T THAT NICE?

WELL, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHIN' AFTER ALL

IN THIS FAIR FIGHTIN', HUH?

YOU GOT ANY BALONEY OUT THERE?

I'LL SEE. YEAH.

I'D RATHER HAVE THAT THAN THAT PIZZA ANYWAY,

I'D PROBABLY BE TASTIN' THE PIZZA TILL JULY.

UH-HUH. YEAH.

I WANNA TELL YOU, EDITH, I WAS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

YOU'VE GOT A RIGHT TO SEE YOUR RELATIONS

NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

OH, THANK YOU, ARCHIE.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW

I AIN'T SAYIN' THAT JUST 'CAUSE I KNOW THEY AIN'T COMIN'.

DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

OH, I CERTAINLY DO.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL,

'CAUSE ESTELLE SAID THEY COULD COME

WEEK AFTER NEXT.

ARE YOU KIDDIN'?

NO.

SO, I'LL GET ON THE PHONE IN THE MORNING

AND TELL HER IT'S OK, COME AHEAD.

YOU TRICKED ME, EDITH. YOU TRICKED ME, EDITH.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT I DON'T WANT

THAT REDHEAD HIPPO

AND HER FLEA-BITTEN HUSBAND IN THIS HOUSE.

OH, THAT'S FOUL.

CALLIN' PEOPLE NAMES, IT'S FOUL.

FOUL! WHEN YOU'RE FIGHTIN' A FREAKO FAMILY

FROM PHILLY, YOU GOT A FIGHT FOUL.

BUT YOU WERE JUST SAYIN'... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU'RE GONNA GET ON THAT TELEPHONE

AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL 'EM THAT

IF THEY GET ON THAT TRAIN IN PHILLY,

I'M GONNA DERAIL THAT TRAIN IN ELIZABETH, NEW JERSEY!

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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