Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

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UM, MR. STRINSKI.

MR. STRINSKI!

OH, I'M SORRY!

IT'S OK, IT'S AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD.

DO YOU THINK I CAN USE THE SINK?

NOT TILL TOMORROW.

OH!

WELL, YOU WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB, DON'T YOU?

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DISHWASHER BACKING UP INTO YOUR SINK.

MY NEIGHBORS? YOU MEAN THE JEFFERSONS?

YEAH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOUR PLUMBING WAS ON A PARTY LINE, DID YOU?

NO!

DON'T TELL ARCHIE.

I GOT SOME WATER FROM THE BATHTUB FOR YOU, MRS. BUNKER, UH...

THANK YOU, MR. HOWARD. YEAH.

HEY, NICK. I'M GONNA GO UP AND CHECK ON THE BATHROOM.

YOU WANT TO GET ALL THIS JUNK TOGETHER?

RIGHT, MR. STRINSKI.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHIN' WRONG?

WELL, I AIN'T NEVER COOKED DINNER WITH BATHTUB WATER BEFORE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? AFRAID IT'LL LEAVE A RING AROUND YOUR POT?

OH!

AH.

YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'? WHEN I WAS A KID,

I USED TO WONDER, HOW DOES THE WATER KNOW

IF IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE KITCHEN OR THE BATHROOM?

HOW DOES IT KNOW?

MRS. BUNKER, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

OH.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?

YEAH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU SURE GOT A COMFORTABLE-LOOKIN' HOME HERE, MRS. BUNKER.

THANK YOU.

"IT TAKES A HEAP O' LIVIN' IN A HOUSE TO MAKE A HOME

"AND HEAPS O' SUN AND SHADOW AND YOU SOMETIMES HAVE TO ROAM

"AFORE YOU REALLY 'PRECIATE THE THINGS YOU LEFT BEHIND

"AND HUNGER FOR THEM SOMEHOW,

WITH THEM ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND"

EDGAR A. GUEST.

YOU KNOW EDGAR GUEST!

YEAH! WELL, NOT PERSONALLY.

JUST HIS POETRY. OH.

AIN'T HE THE ONE THAT WROTE:

"WHAT IS SNOW BUT GOD'S DANDRUFF?"

NO. NO, THAT WAS NICK KENNY, YOU KNOW?

OH, I KNOW ALL THE GOOD POETS.

YEAH, I'M A BIG READER. I... I MUST READ ABOUT,

OH, 100 BOOKS A YEAR.

OH, MY! WHERE DO YOU GET ALL THAT TIME?

UH, THE JUDGE GAVE IT TO ME.

THE JUDGE?

BUT DIDN'T STRINSKI TELL YOU? I'M A CONVICT.

A CONVICT?

OH, MY!

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

I MEAN, WHY AIN'T YOU HOME IN JAIL?

I... I'M AN... I'M AN INMATE AT SING SING.

THEY GOT THIS WORK FURLOUGH PROGRAM, YOU KNOW?

I WORK DURING THE DAY, AND THEN THEY THROW ME BACK IN THE SLAMMER AT NIGHT.

BUT I THOUGHT STRINSKI TOLD YOU.

NO, HE DIDN'T.

THEN HE MUST HAVE TOLD YOUR HUSBAND.

OH, NO.

I'M SURE HE DIDN'T TELL ARCHIE.

SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME COOKIES.

NOT TOO MANY. I GOTTA WATCH MY FIGURE.

OH, MY! A REAL PRISONER.

WELL, IF YOU LOVE EDGAR A. GUEST,

YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE NOTHING TOO BAD.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

ARMED ROBBERY.

OH!

I TRIED TO HOLD UP A PAWN SHOP WITH A TOY GUN.

HOW DID YOU GET CAUGHT?

THE PAWNBROKER HAD A REAL ONE.

AIN'T IT NICE THAT YOU'RE LEARNIN' AN HONEST BUSINESS?

WAIT TILL YOU GET THE PLUMBIN' BILL.

HEY, HEY, YOU LIKE CARD TRICKS?

OH, YEAH.

UH, LET ME SHOW YOU MY FAST SHUFFLE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S WONDERFUL! HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

OH, IT'S EASY, EH? SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. I'LL SHOW YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT. FIRST, TAKE THEM IN YOUR RIGHT HAND.

OK. NO, NO, NO. THIS WAY. OK.

NOW HOLD UP YOUR OTHER HAND TO CATCH 'EM, UH?

RIGHT, NOW SQUEEZE 'EM HARD AND...

OH!

I SQUOZE TOO HARD.

WE'RE HOME, MA.

OH, HI, I AM SO GLAD IT'S YOU.

I WAS AFRAID IT WAS ARCHIE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MA, YOU GOT A MAN IN THE CLOSET?

NO, IN THE KITCHEN.

IT'S MR. HOWARD, THE PLUMBER'S HELPER.

SO?

WELL, HE AIN'T JUST A PLUMBER'S HELPER.

HE'S A PRISONER, TOO.

YOU'RE HOLDING A MAN PRISONER IN THE KITCHEN?

NO.

W-W-WAIT A MINUTE, MA. YOU MEAN THE GUY

WHO'S WORKING FOR STRINSKI IS AN EX-CONVICT.

HE AIN'T AN EX-CONVICT, HE'S A STILL-IS.

IN SING SING.

THEY LET HIM OUT DURING THE DAY TO DO WORK.

OH, YEAH. I READ ABOUT THEM DOIN' THAT WITH PRISONERS.

COME ON, I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO HIM. HE'S VERY NICE.

MR. HOWARD? HUH?

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY DAUGHTER, GLORIA STIVIC.

AND THIS IS HER HUSBAND, MIKE STIVIC.

GLAD TO MEET YOU.

HOW DO YOU DO? OH, HI.

NICE TO SEE YOU. YEAH.

MR. HOWARD, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,

BUT I TOLD THEM WHERE YOUR HOME IS.

OH, YOU... WELL, THAT'S OK, YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU BETTER EXCUSE ME IF SOMETIME I... I SEEM A LITTLE UPTIGHT, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE SLAMMER AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE,

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE INSIDE THAN OUTSIDE.

THAT'S WHAT THE PRISON SHRINK SAID.

THAT I KEPT GETTIN' CAUGHT BECAUSE I... I WAS AFRAID OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

WELL, THERE AIN'T NOBODY TO BE AFRAID OF HERE.

HERE I AM.

THERE IS NOW.

EXCUSE ME.

MA! CAN IT. DUMMY UP.

ARCHIE, YOU'RE HOME EARLY!

LOUSY DAY.

OH, JEEZ, EDITH, I GOT A BAD TOOTH OVER HERE!

DON'T COME AT ME LIKE A BILLY GOAT!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT?

AH, JEEZ, I LOST A FILLIN' EATIN' A FIG NEWTON TODAY.

OH! DID YOU FIND IT?

HOW THE HELL COULD I FIND IT? I SWALLOWED IT.

I SEE STRINSKI'S DIRTY OLD TRUCK OUT THERE.

DID HE FINISH THE PLUMBING JOB YET?

HE'LL BE FINISHED TOMORROW. HIS HELPER'S IN THE KITCHEN NOW, CLEANIN' UP.

AW, PLUMBERS NEVER CLEAN UP.

JEEZ, I LOST A FILLIN' FOR LUNCH,

I'LL PROBABLY GET SANI-FLUSH IN THE SOUP TONIGHT.

AH, LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL SIGHT.

DEEP INTO THE BOX.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST HOP IN THERE, SHUT THE DOOR,

AND SAVE WEAR AND TEAR ON THE LIGHT BULB?

MR. HOWARD, WHEN YOU GO HOME TONIGHT,

YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE HIM WITH YOU?

THIS IS MY HUSBAND. MR. HOWARD.

HI, MR. BUNKER.

AH, HOW YOU DOING THERE, PLUMBER?

UH, WHAT DO YOU CLEAN UP PRETTY GOOD HERE, HUH?

GEE, YOU BEEN IN THE PLUMBIN' RACKET A LONG TIME?

WELL, ACTUALLY... NO, HE WAS IN TOY WEAPONS.

WELL, LET'S SEE. DID YOU GET US ANY WATER PRESSURE OVER HERE?

OH, I'M SORRY. I HAD TO SHUT IT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE AIN'T GOT NO WATER HERE?

WE CAN USE THE WATER IN THE BUCKET, ARCHIE.

MR. HOWARD BROUGHT IT FROM THE BATHROOM.

WATER FROM THE BATHROOM? TO HELL WITH THAT, OUT IT GOES!

OH, NO, NO, NO! I NEEDED WATER, ARCHIE TO COOK DINNER WITH.

OH, YOU AIN'T COOKING MY DINNER IN THAT KIND OF WATER, EDITH.

IF BATHROOM WATER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR COOKING, EDITH,

YOUR KITCHEN'D BE UP IN YOUR TOILET.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

HEY, NICK, QUITTIN' TIME.

HEY, STRINSKI, HOLD IT! HOLD IT THERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, LEAVE BEFORE THE JOB IS FINISHED?

WE AIN'T GOT NO WATER HERE.

I'M SORRY, ARCH, BUT, UH, WE'LL BE BACK EARLY IN THE MORNING.

I GOTTA GET NICK BACK ON TIME, OR I'LL BE IN TROUBLE.

WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT... WHAT IS THIS? WHAT TROUBLE?

WHAT TROUBLE?

DON'T ANSWER MY QUESTION WITH MY SAME QUESTION.

WHAT TROUBLE? WHAT IS IT?

MA, WHY CAN'T YOU TELL HIM?

MR. HOWARD IS ON A WORK FURLOUGH FROM SING SING.

SING SING?

IT'S PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE, DADDY.

SING SING IS LEGITIMATE?

SING SING... WE GOT A PLUMBER HERE FROM SING SING?

YEAH, ONLY PART-TIME, ARCHIE.

HE WORKS DAYS, AND THEN HE GOES HOME TO THE SLAMMER AT NIGHT.

THAT'S THE SAME PLACE JIMMY CAGNEY USED TO CALL "THE BIG HOUSE."

AH!

WHAT IS THIS, WE GOT A KILLER FOR A PLUMBER HERE?

NO, JUST AN ARMED ROBBER.

JUST AN ARMED ROBBER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT BEING SENT UP FOR ARMED ROBBERY MEANS?

IT MEANS HE WASN'T VERY GOOD AT IT.

SHUT UP, YOU!

ARCH, IT'S JUST PART OF A NEW REHABILITATION PROGRAM.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME? WITH GUYS BREAKING INTO YOUR HOMES AT NIGHT,

NOW THEY'RE GONNA LET CONS OUT TO MAKE HOUSE CALLS IN THE DAYTIME?

OH, NO, NO, NO. I'LL PUT A STOP TO THIS RIGHT NOW.

ARCHIE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA CALL UP STRINSKI'S SHOP.

I'M GONNA LEAVE WORD I DON'T WANT A CONVICT WORKIN' AROUND HERE.

OH, NO, ARCHIE, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

THEY MAY NOT LET HIM OUT AGAIN. OH, I'M GONNA MAKE THIS CALL.

OH... OH, PUT THAT PHONE DOWN.

I AM GONNA MAKE THE CALL. PUT... PUT THE PHONE DOWN!

I AM GONNA MAKE THE CALL. PUT THE PHONE DOWN, DAMN IT!

IN FRONT OF THE KIDS?

ARCHIE, WHERE ARE YOU?

OH.

ARCHIE.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? DO YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

NO! I HAD A BAD DREAM.

OH, YOU WANNA TELL ME ABOUT IT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

I DREAMED I HAD TO GO UP TO GO TO THE JOHN, AND IT WAS MISSIN'.

IT SCARED ME SO BAD, I WOKE MYSELF UP.

THEN I FIGURED, I'D BETTER GO IN AND CHECK HERE.

AND WAS IT STILL THERE? YEAH, IT WAS THERE.

SO I FIGURED, WELL, AS LONG AS I'M IN THERE ANYWAY.

THAT WAS A FUNNY DREAM.

WHAT THE HELL WAS FUNNY ABOUT IT?

IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT LETTING ME CALL UP

AND STOP THAT CONVICT FROM COMING HERE.

OH, ARCHIE, MR. HOWARD WOULDN'T HURT NOBODY.

HE HAS A NICE, GENTLE FACE.

OH, JEEZ, SO DID "BABY FACE" NELSON,

SO DID "PRETTY BOY" FLOYD,

SO DID TONY CURTIS.

TONY CURTIS?

YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER TONY CURTIS IN THE BOSTON STRANGLER?

HE USED TO GO AROUND RINGING LADIES' DOOR BELLS, THERE.

AND OF COURSE, THEY ALL OPENED THE DOOR,

BECAUSE WHO'S GONNA SLAM A DOOR IN TONY CURTIS' FACE?

OH, NO, THEY'D GIVE HIM A BIG SMILE, LET HIM IN.

10 MINUTES LATER, THEY'D GIVE HIM A BIGGER SMILE,

RIGHT ACROSS THE THROAT.

I WAS TALKING TO THE BOYS DOWN AT KELSEY'S ABOUT IT, EDITH.

THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING:

THEY ALL SAY THEY WOULD NOT HAVE

A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL WORKING IN THEIR HOUSE.

MR. HOWARD AIN'T DANGEROUS.

IF HE WAS DANGEROUS,

SING SING WOULDN'T LET HIM OUT DAYS TO WORK.

AH, SING SING HADN'T OUGHT TO LET HIM OUT AT ALL.

GUY WANTS TO GET OUT OF THE PEN BEFORE SERVING HIS TIME,

WELL, LET HIM ESCAPE LIKE OTHER GUYS.

JEEZ, EDITH, WHEN YOU THINK OF IT, YOU KNOW, ARMED ROBBERY.

YEAH, BUT HE ONLY USED A TOY GUN.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH. IS THAT WHAT HE TOLD YOU?

YEAH.

AND HE SHOWED ME A CARD TRICK, TOO.

I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

AH, JEEZ. SHE'S GONNA DO ME A CARD TRICK AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

YEAH, I BEEN PRACTICING.

NOW WATCH.

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

SORRY.

BOY, EDITH, THAT WAS SLICK.

ARCH, THESE PROGRAMS GIVE GUYS LIKE NICK A CHANCE TO BECOME USEFUL CITIZENS.

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT.

AND THE GUY'S PROBABLY STICKING UP A BANK ON HIS WAY HERE NOW.

HE CAN'T. THEY AIN'T OPEN YET.

ARCH, WE GOTTA HELP NICK. OTHERWISE, HE'S JUST GONNA GO ON ROBBIN'.

I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO KEEP SOME OF THESE GUYS FROM ROBBIN'.

OH YEAH. THIS I GOTTA HEAR. GO AHEAD.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. FOR ONE THING, TAKE A BANK.

YOU KNOW IN BEHIND THE TELLER'S CAGE, THERE?

THE GIRL OUGHT TO HAVE A BUTTON ON THE FLOOR, SEE.

SO WHEN A GUNMAN COMES UP WITH A GUN,

HE STICKS IT THERE,

SHE TAPS THAT BUTTON THERE, A TRAP DOOR OPENS,

THE CROOK GOES RIGHT DOWN THE SHOOT

AND SLIDES RIGHT TO THE NEAREST POLICE STATION.

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA COME UP WITH SOMETHIN' STUPID.

I FOOLED YOU, HUH?

I GOT SOMETHIN' JUST AS GOOD AS THAT.

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS.

SHOULD I BE WRITIN' THIS DOWN?

NO, IT'S SHORT. YOU CAN REMEMBER IT.

YOU KNOW INSIDE THE BANK, IN THE UPPER PART THERE,

WHAT THEY CALL A MEZZERINE, THERE? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, YOU PUT 3 SHARP SHOOTERS RIGHT THERE, IN THE MEZZERINE.

WHEN A CROOK GOES UP TO THE TELLER'S CAGE AND TAKES OUT HIS GUN,

THE 3 SHARP SHOOTERS UP THERE, THEY BLAST HIM.

ARCH,

WHAT IF ONE OF THE SHARP SHOOTERS ACCIDENTALLY HITS

A LITTLE OLD LADY, STANDING BEHIND THE CROOK?

WELL, SO WHAT? THE OTHER 2 SHARP SHOOTERS AIN'T GONNA MISS THE CROOK.

I WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING GLORIA.

SHE'LL BE LATE FOR WORK.

OH, SHE'S NOT GOING TO WORK TODAY, MA. SHE'S GOT A LITTLE COLD.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', YOUR DAUGHTER NEVER HAD NO COLDS BEFORE SHE GOT MARRIED.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS, THAT WHEN SHE WAS SINGLE,

SHE ALWAYS WORE SOMETHIN' TO BED.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE KIND OF REMARK I'D EXPECT FROM A GUY

WHO WANTS TO SLIDE CROOKS UNDER THE CITY.

I'M GONNA TAKE THIS UP TO GLORIA.

OH, THAT'S NICE, MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO TO WORK, EDITH.

NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN THAT BOSS PLUMBER STRINSKI GETS HERE,

I WANT HIM TO STICK AROUND AT ALL TIMES

WHILE THE CONVICT IS WORKING HERE IN THE HOUSE, HUH? ALL RIGHT, ARCHIE.

REMEMBER THAT, NOW.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR LUNCH. HAVE A NICE DAY.

YEAH, OH, EASY, EASY, ON THIS SIDE.

ALL RIGHT. OK, REMEMBER NOW, YOU KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, UH? KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

YEAH, I WILL. HERE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. BUNKER.

OH, GOOD MORNING THERE. WHERE'S THE WARDEN?

I MEAN, UH, WHERE'S STRINSKI, THE BOSS?

AH, HE'LL BE BY LATER. CAN I COME IN?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

UH, HOW MUCH LATER?

GOOD MORNING, MR. HOWARD.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BREAKFAST?

NO, I THINK I'D BETTER GET RIGHT TO WORK.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME...

I TOLD YOU, KEEP YOUR DISTANCE FROM THE MAN.

THEY DON'T HAVE GIRLS UP THERE IN SING SING.

A WOMAN GOES SLITHERING BY A GUY LIKE THAT, HE'D GO BERSERK.

WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

GOODBYE, MIKE.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE ARE YOU GOIN', MEATHEAD?

I GOT AN EARLY CLASS. I'M GOING TO SCHOOL.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?

SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. SHE'S JUST GOT A LITTLE HEAD COLD.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

A HEAD COLD NEVER STOPPED A SEX PREVERT.

NO, THAT'S TRUE.

NOT IF HE REALLY LOVES THE GIRL.

BUT I STILL GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU DOPE, YOU.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE WOMEN, THERE

AND THE CONVICT IN THE KITCHEN.

IN THE KITCHEN ALONE WITH EDITH,

AND I DON'T HEAR ANY BREATHING.

HEY, EDITH, EDITH.

OH, ARCHIE, ARE YOU STILL HERE?

EDITH.

DISTANCE.

I WANT YOU TO CALL THE PLANT ON THE PHONE, RIGHT AWAY.

TELL 'EM I AIN'T COMIN' IN FOR WORK.

TELL 'EM THIS TOOTH IS FLASHIN' UP ON ME AGAIN.

OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT. AS SOON AS I GET BACK.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

I'M GOIN' OVER TO LOUISE'S, TO BORROW SOME ASPIRIN FOR GLORIA'S COLD

AND FOR YOUR TOOTH. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. YEAH. OH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HURRY UP.

OH, YOU OUGHT TO SEE A DENTIST ABOUT THAT TOOTH, MR. BUNKER.

OH, NO. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK I WANNA GO TO WORK, ANYWAY. I THINK I'LL STAY HOME.

MAYBE I'LL USE MY TIME TO, UH, INSPECT AND CLEAN MY GUNS.

OH, YOU'RE A GUN COLLECTOR, MR. BUNKER?

WELL, I GOT A COUPLE OF SOUVENIRS,

UH, I TOOK OFF THE KRAUTS IN THE WAR.

YOU KNOW, W.W.II, THE BIG ONE.

I GOT A .45 CALIBER GERMAN SCHMAUSER, THERE.

AND, UH, OVER HERE, I GOT A .38 CALIBER GERMAN FLUGEL

WITH A TELEPHONIC SIGHT.

I SHOT A GERMAN COLONEL IN THE BUTT WITH THAT.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE SEEN PLENTY ACTION.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

UPSTAIRS. I GOTTA WORK ON THE BATHROOM.

AH, W-W-W-WAIT A MINUTE, THERE. WAIT A MINUTE, NOW.

I... I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT BECAUSE,

UH, MY DAUGHTER IS UP THERE, TAKING A SHOWER.

SHE AIN'T GONNA GET VERY WET. I TURNED OFF THE WATER.

YEAH, WELL, WAIT. NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

NO, WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT, UH,

UH, SHE'S TAKIN' A NAP UP THERE,

AND I-I-I WOULDN'T WANT THE WORK, YOU KNOW, TO WAKE HER UP.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHIN' ELSE, LIKE, YOU COULD TAKE

MAYBE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK UNTIL STRINSKI THE BOSS GETS HERE.

MR. BUNKER, IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME BEING UPSTAIRS WITH YOUR DAUGHTER...

YEAH, WELL, WELL, I AM.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT.

THAT'S WHY I GET SO UPTIGHT BEING ON THE OUTSIDE.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON. H-H-HOLD IT, NICK. WHAT?

YOU NEVER WANNA EXPRESS YOUR OPINIONS WITH A MONKEY WRENCH.

THERE'S THE BELL. I THINK I'LL ANSWER IT, OK?

SURE. YEAH, NOW, DON'T GET UPTIGHT ABOUT NOTHIN'.

DON'T GET UPTIGHT, NICK.

NO, I'LL... I'LL... I'LL JUST, UH, ANSWER THE BELL, OVER HERE, EH?

YEAH.

STRINSKI, IT'S ABOUT TIME. GET IN HERE.

THANKS A LOT, ARCH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

FOR POPPING OFF AT KELSEY'S LAST NIGHT.

HUH? YOU TOLD THE GUYS I WAS HIRIN' HELP FROM THE MAFIA?

FROM THE MAFIA?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO...

I TOLD EVERYBODY THAT YOU GIVE A JOB TO AN ARMED ROBBER.

I NEVER SAID NOTHIN' ABOUT THE MAFIA.

ALL I KNOW IS BARNEY HEFNER CALLED ME.

HE SAID HE DON'T WANT NO KILLERS WORKIN' ON HIS WATER HEATER.

OH, BARNEY HEFNER, JEEZ.

FEW MORE REMARKS LIKE THAT, I'M GONNA BE OUT OF BUSINESS.

NOW, LOOK, MR. STRINSKI, YOU KNOW, IF IT'S GONNA BE A PROBLEM,

MAYBE I BETTER NOT GO WITH YOU ON THAT HEFNER JOB.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'LL HANDLE THAT MYSELF.

MR. STRINSKI, UH, WHAT ABOUT THE JOB AFTER THAT?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, NICK,

AFTER TODAY, I DON'T THINK I CAN USE YOU ANYMORE.

I WONDER WHY I AIN'T SURPRISED?

LOOK, NICK, I GOT A PLUMBER FRIEND OF MINE UP IN THE EAST BRONX.

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING FOR... HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

IF I MAY JUST PUT IN A WORD THERE, NICK.

I WOULDN'T TAKE NO JOBS UP IN THE EAST BRONX

'CAUSE THERE'S A STRONG CRIMINAL ELEMENT UP THERE.

WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF? IT'S YOUR FAULT TO START WITH.

WHAT? NO, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. IT'S MY FAULT.

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER,

THAN TO EVER LET THEM TALK ME INTO THIS COCKAMAMIE FURLOUGH SCHEME.

I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE UP PLUMBIN' UNTIL THEY START

REHABILITATIN' YOU PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE.

OH, NO, MR. HOWARD. YOU MUSTN'T GIVE UP.

"FAILURE COMES FROM THE INSIDE FIRST

"IT'S THERE IF WE ONLY KNEW IT

"AND YOU CAN WIN, THOUGH YOU FACE THE WORST

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IT" EDGAR A. GUEST.

THEM ARE ONLY WORDS, MRS. BUNKER.

OH, BUT THEY SAY A LOT.

NICK, YOU WOULDN'T WANNA LET DOWN EDGAR A. GUEST.

WHO THE HELL IS HE, ANOTHER PLUMBER?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO LET YOU DOWN, MRS. BUNKER.

IF I CAN RUN INTO ONE PERSON LIKE YOU, ONE DAY OUT OF 30,

MAYBE I CAN STAND THE OTHER 29 ON THE OUTSIDE.

GIVE ME THAT WRENCH, HUH?

I GOTTA FINISH MY JOB.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU STANDIN' HERE FOR?

AIN'T YOU GOIN' UP THERE WITH HIM?

WHAT FOR? HE CAN HANDLE THE JOB.

I GOT SOME BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF DOWN THE STREET.

WHAT BUSINESS YOU GOT DOWN THE STREET?

BARNEY HEFNER, I GOTTA COOL HIM DOWN.

AH, LOOK AT THIS, OUT THE DOOR WITH HIM.

I NEVER SAW A SITUATION LIKE...

AH, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' WITH THE CARDS?

WATCH.

THAT SHOWS YOU MR. HOWARD IS A GOOD PERSON

AND A GOOD TEACHER.

LET ME SEE THE CARDS.

GIVE ME THE CARDS.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOW ME NOTHIN'.

I SEEN HOW TO DO IT.

HOLD THE CARDS, YOU BEND 'EM IN THERE, RIGHT? YEAH.

GET YOUR HAND READY THERE.

AND YOU...

YOU MOVED.

ARCHIE, DON'T FEEL BAD.

UNLUCKY IN CARDS, LUCKY IN LOVE.

YOU GOT ME IN THE TOOTH, AGAIN!

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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