Original subtitles

GOOD EVENING, I'M HENRY FONDA.

TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE BEST OF ALL IN THE FAMILY.

ONE OF THE MOST ACCLAIMED AND, ALSO,

ONE OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL SHOWS EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION.

STARTING WITH THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER,

RIGHT DOWN TO THE KIND OF THEMES THE SHOW HAS DEALT WITH.

MENOPAUSE,

HOMOSEXUALITY, RAPE,

MENTAL RETARDATION, CANCER.

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL FUN SHOW, DOESN'T IT?

AND YET, WE ALL KNOW IT IS.

NOW I'M NOT GOING TO COMMENT ON

THE CONTRIBUTION ALL IN THE FAMILY HAS MADE TO THE AMERICAN SCENE.

WE ALL KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN PROS AND CONS.

EXCEPT TO SAY THAT I WOULDN'T BE HERE

IF I WEREN'T ONE OF ITS BIGGEST FANS.

WE'RE IN STUDIO 41

AT C.B.S. TELEVISION CITY IN HOLLYWOOD.

YOU'RE WATCHING NORMAN LEAR, THE CREATOR OF ALL IN THE FAMILY

TALKING TO THE STUDIO AUDIENCE ABOUT TONIGHT'S SHOW.

ANYWAY, AS I MENTIONED EARLIER

TONIGHT, BECAUSE THIS IS THE 100TH AIRING

OF ALL IN THE FAMILY,

WE WILL BE PRESENTING ONE HOUR

OF WHAT WE HOPE YOU ALL WILL FEEL

IS THE BEST OF ALL IN THE FAMILY.

AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE YOU NOW TO MEET THE CAST OF ALL IN THE FAMILY,

4 MAGNIFICENT PLAYERS,

UH, THE PRIMARY PLAYERS IN OUR COMPANY,

WHO HAVE PROVIDED, UH, MORE LAUGHTER

AND, UH, THEREFORE, IN OUR OPINIONS, HAVE ADDED MORE TO OUR LIVES.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PEOPLE,

THE WRITERS, PRODUCERS, ACTORS AND TECHNICIANS,

WHO WORK WITH THEM

UH, AND HAVE LAUGHED WITH THEM FOR THESE 5 YEARS.

WE ALL FEEL THEY'VE ADDED TIME TO OUR LIVES THROUGH THAT LAUGHTER.

FIRST, LET ME BRING OUT THE VERY WONDERFUL YOUNG WOMAN,

THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF OUR BUNKER HOUSEHOLD,

MISS SALLY STRUTHERS!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WONDERFUL ACTOR,

ROB REINER!

OUR BELOVED EDITH BUNKER,

JEAN STAPLETON. HI!

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CARROLL O'CONNOR.

WE CAN'T, FOR TECHNICAL REASONS, FOR THE STUDIO AUDIENCE...

FOR THE STUDIO AUDIENCE, WE CANNOT, FOR TECHNICAL REASONS,

SHOW YOU THE OPENING, UH, TITLES.

BUT WE DID NOT WANT YOU TO COME THIS DISTANCE,

YOU LOVELY PEOPLE OF OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE,

AND MISS THE DULCET TONES OF EDITH AND ARCHIE

AS THEY SING THE OPENING NUMBER.

SO, FOR ALL OF YOU, WE HAVE...

THEY HAVE SO GRACIOUSLY DECIDED TO

DO IT FOR YOU LIVE AND NOW.

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

I SUSPECT THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF ARCHIE IN ALL OF US.

THAT'S WHY WE CAN RELATE TO HIM SO EASILY

AND TO HIS FEARS ABOUT THE THINGS

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

SOME CALL IT HIS BIGOTRY.

I CALL IT

HIS BIGOTRY.

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS? I CALL THIS REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT.

IT'S SALVATORE, FELDMAN, O'REILLY, NELSON.

IT'S AN ITALIAN, A JEW, AN IRISHMAN AND A REGULAR AMERICAN THERE.

WHAT I CALL A BALANCED TICKET.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LABEL PEOPLE BY NATIONALITY?

'CAUSE HOW ELSE ARE YOU GONNA GET

THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE RIGHT JOB?

FOR INSTANCE, TAKE FELDMAN THERE.

HE'S UP FOR TREASURER.

WELL, THAT'S PERFECT.

ALL THEM PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO HANDLE MONEY.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO, I DON'T.

WELL, THEN YOU GOT SALVATORE RUNNING FOR D.A.

HE COULD KEEP AN EYE ON FELDMAN.

YOU KNOW, I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE ITALIANS.

WHEN YOU DO GET AN HONEST ONE,

YOU REALLY GOT SOMETHING THERE.

AW, COME ON, ARCH!

WELL, AND HERE YOU GOT O'REILLY, THE MICK.

HE CAN SEE THAT THE GRAFT IS EQUALLY SPREAD AROUND, YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT NELSON, THE AMERICAN GUY.

HE'S GOOD FOR T.V. APPEARANCES.

MAKE THE REST OF THEM LOOK RESPECTABLE, YOU KNOW.

THIS IS A BAG TO CARRY THINGS IN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

IF YOU DON'T KNOW, BUDDY, I'LL SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU:

F-A-G, FRUIT!

THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING LOOKS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT TO YOU,

YOU HAVE TO PUT A LABEL ON IT, RIGHT?

WELL, IF THE PURSE FITS, WEAR IT.

AH.

I'M TELLING YOU THAT WHITES SHOULD ONLY DANCE WITH WHITES!

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? LOOK AT THE MOVIES!

FRED ASTAIRE AND GINGER ROGERS,

GENE KELLY AND RITA HAYWORTH.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE AND BILL ROBINSON.

THAT WAS BEFORE SHIRLEY WAS OLD ENOUGH

TO KNOW SHE WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

I GUESS THAT'S WHEN

SHE STARTED DANCING WITH GEORGE MURPHY.

ALL RIGHT!

ALL I'M SAYING IS

IF GOD HAD INTENDED WHITE PEOPLE TO DANCE WITH COLORED PEOPLE...

HE'D HAVE GIVEN US RHYTHM, TOO.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT SEX.

SHUSH IN FRONT OF EDITH!

ARCH, THAT'S A MYTH!

RETARDED PEOPLE HAVE NO MORE OF A SEX DRIVE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

OH, YEAH? THAN WHY ARE YOU ON AUTOMATIC ALL THE TIME?

THEY'RE PUTTING ME ON REGULAR NEXT WEEK

BUT THEY'RE PAYING ME LESS THAN THEY PAID THE MAN WHO USED TO RUN THE FORKLIFT.

OH, WELL, COME ON, IRENE.

AFTER ALL, IT'S A WELL-KNOWN FACT,

MEN ARE WORTH MORE THAN WOMEN.

ARCHIE, HAVE YOU BEEN READING PLAYBOY?

NO, IRENE, THE BIBLE.

THE BIBLE?

AND IN THE BIBLE, IT SAYS, GOD MADE MAN IN HIS OWN IMAGE.

HE MADE WOMEN AFTER. FROM A RIB.

CHEAPER CUT.

HE AIN'T JEWISH!

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE HIS NAME'S JOHN.

AND HEBES DON'T NAME THEIR KIDS JOHN.

MAYBE HE CHANGED HIS NAME.

NO, EDITH, EDITH, THEY NEVER DO.

THEY ONLY CHANGE THE LAST NAME.

THAT WAY THEY KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

2 GUYS ARE GOING DOWN THE STREET, RIGHT?

ONE SAYS, "HOW ARE YOU, MY NAME IS SMITH.

MAURY SMITH." YOU SEE HOW IT WORKS?

LIKE YOU GOT SAUL NELSON.

IZZY WATSON.

ABE LINCOLN.

I DIDN'T KNOW LINCOLN WAS JEWISH!

HOW DO YOU DO? MY NAME IS GEORGE ROBINSON

AND I REPRESENT THE GAY LIBERATION FRONT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

THIS MUST BE MRS. ROBINSON.

NO, I'M CYNTHIA NASH OF THE DAUGHTERS OF SAPPHO.

WE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR CANDIDATE IN TODAY'S ELECTION.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, EDITH, THERE.

UH, LET ME HANDLE THIS, HUH?

EDITH, DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THEY, UH...

SHE'S A DAUGHTER OF SAPPHO

AND HE'S A GAY LIBERATOR.

STEP ASIDE, WILL YOU, HUH?

JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING HERE.

EXCUSE ME, GET LOST.

THE CHINESE.

I MEAN, DO THEY SAY, "GOD BLESS YOU" OR "BUDDHA BLESS YOU"?

YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW?

THE CHINKS JUST SNEEZE AND SAY NOTHING. THEY CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

OH.

WHY COULDN'T THEY SAY, "BUDDHA BLESS YOU" IN CHINESE?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T SAY THAT, THAT'S WHY.

THEY SAY, UH...

WELL, IF THEY SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, IT'S SAYONARA.

THAT'S JAPANESE!

SAME THING.

IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU PUT A JAP AND A CHINK TOGETHER,

YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHICH IS WHICH?

THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE I'D FIND OUT ABOUT THEM.

I'D TALK TO THEM AS INDIVIDUALS!

SURE, YOU'D TALK TO THEM.

YOU'D SAY, "WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS IS THE CHINK?"

I DON'T BELIEVE IT, HE'S MAKING ME CRAZY!

DO YOU MEAN TO IMPLY...

I MEAN THAT I AIN'T MAKING NO DONATIONS

TO NO CATHOLIC CHARITIES.

NOW THE ONLY WAY I CAN ANSWER THAT, MR. BUNKER, IS TO QUOTE FROM THE SCRIPTURE.

"GO FROM THE PRESENCE OF THE FOOLISH MAN

WHEN THOU PERCEIVEST NOT IN HIM THE LIPS OF KNOWLEDGE."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ARGUING WITH AN IDIOT.

ARCHIE BUNKER'S NOT ONE OF YOUR BEST LISTENERS,

WHICH IS UNFORTUNATE FOR HIM

BECAUSE EDITH IS ONE OF NATURE'S BORN STORYTELLERS.

WAIT A MINUTE. NOBODY EAT NOTHING AROUND HERE,

TILL I FIND OUT WHAT WENT WRONG AT THE SUPERMARKET.

NOW COME ON, GIVE IT.

WELL, I KNEW YOU LIKE CLING PEACHES...

I HEARD THAT BEFORE.

IN HEAVY SYRUP.

YEAH, I HEARD THAT, TOO.

I KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW MUCH I'VE TOLD YOU SO FAR,

THEN I'LL KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

YOU AIN'T TOLD ME NOTHING SO FAR, EXCEPT CLING PEACHES,

WHICH IS COMING OUT OF MY EARS.

NOW DON'T SAY THEM 2 WORDS NO MORE, HUH?

START YOUR STORY AFTER THE CLING PEACHES

AND GET ON WITH IT.

WELL, ARCHIE,

I HAD AN ACCIDENT WITH A CAR.

MA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

DID YOU GET HIT?

I DIDN'T GET HIT,

I HIT THE CAR.

MA, YOU DON'T DRIVE.

YEAH, AND EVEN IF YOU DO, WE DON'T HAVE A CAR.

EDITH,

HOW DID YOU HIT A CAR?

WELL, THAT'S WHERE THE

COME IN.

WHAT?

YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO SAY THOSE 2 WORDS.

EDITH,

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?

THAT YOU HIT A CAR WITH A CAN OF CLING PEACHES?

THAT'S RIGHT! YOU SEE,

I WAS COMING OUT OF THE MARKET WITH MY SHOPPING BASKET,

FULL OF

A-AND THERE WAS MRS. DUNCAN WITH HER NEW BABY.

I TOOK A PEEK IN THE CARRIAGE

BUT I COULDN'T SEE THE BABY TOO WELL.

HE WAS ALL SQUINCHED UP WITH HIS...

WILL YOU GET ON WITH THE STORY?

ANYWAY, I KNEW I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE BABY,

SO I WENT, "OH! ISN'T THAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY!"

AND WHEN I WENT "OH!"

THE SHOPPING BASKET GOT AWAY FROM ME, ROLLED DOWN THE HILL

AND SMASHED INTO THIS PARKED CAR AND SCRATCHED THE FENDER.

AND THEN, THIS CAN OF

IN HEAVY SYRUP,

JUMPED OUT AND MADE A BIG DENT IN THE HOOD.

IT WAS A FREAK ACCIDENT.

ONE THING YOU CAN SAY ABOUT ARCHIE,

WHEN HE'S CONFRONTED WITH A LOGICAL ARGUMENT,

HE'S NEVER STUCK FOR AN ANSWER.

LOUISE, WE'RE GOING!

THERE'S THE DOOR!

NOTHING EVER CHANGES IN THIS CRUMMY HOUSE.

I THINK GLORIA WAS WRONG THERE.

IN FACT, ONE OF THE BIGGEST CHANGES OVER THE YEARS

IN THE BUNKER HOUSEHOLD.

HAS BEEN IN GLORIA HERSELF.

CALM DOWN, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT...

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOTHER AND ME.

YOU DO NOT OWN US.

WE ARE FREE AND EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS,

WHO REPRESENT HALF THE POPULATION OF THIS EARTH,

THE FEMALE POPULATION.

AND WE'RE TIRED OF BEING EXPLOITED BY MEN.

TIRED OF YOU HOLDING US DOWN AND KEEPING US BACK.

AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO EXPLOIT US,

WE'RE GONNA RISE UP AGAINST YOU SOMEDAY LIKE OUR BLACK SISTERS

AND OUR CHICANA SISTERS

AND ALL THE OTHER OPPRESSED SISTERS,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ANYMORE,

BUT YOU MEN, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

HERE, YOU BETTER READ THIS ARTICLE.

IT'S WRITTEN BY A VERY IMPORTANT DOCTOR,

AND HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

HE DON'T KNOW YOUR FATHER.

WHEN ARCHIE HEARS ABOUT THIS, HE AIN'T GONNA LOVE ME NO MORE.

OH, MA, OF COURSE HE WILL.

I'M SORRY. IMAGINE, YOU

HAVING TO TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT EVERY YOUNG GIRL SHOULD KNOW.

NOW I'M GONNA BE AN OLD LADY

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERY OLD LADY SHOULD KNOW.

GLORIA,

I... I THINK IT'S TIME THAT YOU AND ME

HAD A

WOMAN-TO-WOMAN TALK ABOUT...

ABOUT...

THE WEDDING NIGHT?

YEAH, ABOUT THAT.

OK, MA.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE EMBARRASSED, MA.

OH, THANK YOU, GLORIA.

I KNOW YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE VERY HAPPY.

I DO.

A-A-AND TONIGHT, M-MICHAEL AND I,

WE'LL BE NERVOUS.

YEAH.

'CAUSE WE'RE BOTH REALLY STRANGERS TO ONE ANOTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THE IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER

IS THAT WE LOVE AND RESPECT EACH OTHER.

AND ABOVE ALL,

THAT WE TREAT EACH OTHER WITH PATIENCE AND TENDERNESS TONIGHT.

YEAH!

THANKS, MA.

I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS LITTLE TALK,

OH, MA.

I DIDN'T SAY WE COULDN'T HAVE A FAMILY.

WE CAN ALWAYS ADOPT.

HEY, THAT WAY WE'D BE GIVING OUR LOVE TO A KID THAT'S ALREADY BEEN BORN.

WELL, MAYBE LATER.

BUT FIRST IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME, AS A WOMAN,

TO... TO TRY TO HAVE ONE OF MY OWN.

WHY? WHY?

WHY IS THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE, T-T-TO GIVE BIRTH?

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU, A BABY MACHINE?

SOME BABY MACHINE,

I CAN'T EVEN TURN OUT ONE COPY.

HONEY.

MICHAEL, DON'T YOU TOUCH ME UNLESS YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

IT'S ONE OF TELEVISION'S LONGEST RUNNING BATTLES.

ARCHIE AND DOORS ARE BORN ENEMIES.

OUT THE BACK DOOR. OUT THE BACK DOOR.

I GOTTA CALL FERGUSON'S.

WILL YOU LET ME GET IN THAT DOOR!

WILL YOU LET ME GET OUT THE DOOR!

WAIT A MINUTE.

LET ME GO THROUGH THE DOOR FIRST, PLEASE.

ARCHIE BUNKER'S NOT EXACTLY ONE OF YOUR

DEDICATED CHURCHGOERS.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS HERE.

I AIN'T GOING THROUGH WITH NONE OF THESE CEREMONIES

OR ALL THAT MUMBO-JUMBO.

SOME CATHOLIC PRIEST SPRINKLING INCEST OVER EVERYBODY.

YET NO ONE IS MORE VOCAL

IN EXPRESSING HIS LOVE FOR GOD AND COUNTRY.

BUT I THINK ARCHIE'S INTERPRETATION OF THE CONSTITUTION

WOULD BAFFLE ITS AUTHORS.

AND WHERE HE GETS HIS VERSION OF THE BIBLE,

GOD ONLY KNOWS.

READ THE STORY OF ADAM AND EVE THERE.

YOU KNOW, ADAM AND EVE, THEY HAD IT PRETTY SOFT OUT IN PARADISE.

THEY HAD NO PROBLEMS. THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WAS NAKED.

BUT EVE, SHE WASN'T SATISFIED WITH THAT, SEE.

AND THEN ONE DAY, AGAINST DIRECT ORDERS,

SHE MADE POOR ADAM EAT THAT APPLE.

GOD GOT SORE, HE TOLD THEM, "GET YOUR CLOTHES ON

AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

WE AIN'T GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, JEFFERSON,

'CAUSE GOD AIN'T READY FOR THAT YET.

W-WAIT A SECOND.

THAT'S RIGHT, GOD'S GOTTA TRY IT OUT FIRST BY MAKING A BLACK POPE,

WHICH HE AIN'T DONE YET.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE, MRS. BUNKER.

I'M AN AGNOSTIC.

OH!

YOU MEAN YOU WANT A RABBI?

IT'S WORSE THAN THAT, EDITH!

I THINK IT MEANS HE CAN'T HAVE KIDS!

I DON'T WANNA HEAR NOTHING MORE ABOUT WOMEN'S PROBLEMS.

YOU DON'T HEAR MEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS, DO YOU?

THAT'S 'CAUSE MEN DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS COMPARED TO WOMEN.

AND THAT'S GOD'S WILL, SO FORGET IT.

YOU MEAN GOD'S MISTAKE.

HEY, HEY.

HEY, GOD DON'T MAKE NO MISTAKES.

THAT'S HOW HE GOT TO BE GOD.

HERE I AM, LORD, DOWN THE CELLAR.

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THE CELLAR. WHERE'S THE CELLAR DOOR?

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE NEW LOCK ON IT, LORD.

HANG ON THERE, MR. BUNKER. I'M COMING FOR YOU.

OKAY, I FOUND THE DOOR, HOLD ON, MR. BUNKER.

ALL RIGHT, I'M WAITING FOR YOU.

MR. BUNKER?

HERE I AM.

MR. BUNKER.

YES, YES, YES!

FORGIVE ME, LORD.

THE JEFFERSONS WAS RIGHT!

MANY ARTICLES, LETTERS, EVEN SERMONS

HAVE BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT THE CHARACTER

OF EDITH BUNKER.

EDWARD McNULTY SAID OF HER IN THE CHRISTIAN CENTURY:

"EDITH MIGHT THINK THAT PLATO WAS A WALT DISNEY DOG,

"THAT ARISTOTLE IS A GREEK SHIPPING MAGNATE,

"AND THAT MARX IS A GREAT COMEDIAN.

"BUT SHE POSSESSES SOMETHING BETTER THAN FACTUAL KNOWLEDGE.

A KNOWLEDGE OF THE HEART. AN INSIGHT INTO THE SOUL."

OH, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME

I MADE POT ROAST FOR YOUR FATHER.

ONLY HE WASN'T YOUR FATHER THEN.

WE WAS JUST KEEPING COMPANY.

I INVITED HIM TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER

AND I MADE HIM POT ROAST.

AND THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME

HE EVER CALLED ME DINGBAT.

WELL, THAT'S AWFUL, EVEN IF HE DIDN'T LIKE YOUR COOKING.

OH, NO, HE LOVED IT.

THEN, WHY'D HE CALL YOU DINGBAT?

WELL, IN THEM DAYS, ARCHIE WAS TOO SHY

TO CALL ME SWEETHEART, OR DARLING.

SO, INSTEAD, HE CALLED ME HIS LITTLE DINGBAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

EVER SINCE THEN, NO MATTER HOW MAD HE SAYS "DINGBAT,"

I ALWAYS HEAR A LITTLE "SWEETHEART" IN IT.

FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMEN.

THE WAY THEY MARRY SOME GUY

WHO ALWAYS GONNA MAKE A DAMN FOOL OF HIMSELF.

BUT STILL, THEY LOVE HIM.

THAT'S RIGHT, ARCHIE.

MIKE!

I'M ALL RIGHT, MA.

OUT THERE I TOLD YOU WHY YOU YELL AT ARCHIE.

DON'T YOU WANNA HEAR WHY ARCHIE YELLS AT YOU?

MA, I KNOW WHY HE YELLS AT ME. HE HATES ME.

OH, NO, MIKE.

ARCHIE YELLS AT YOU 'CAUSE HE'S JEALOUS OF YOU.

OH, MA, I DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO THIS!

OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME.

ARCHIE IS JEALOUS OF YOU.

OH, COME ON, MA.

NOW THAT AIN'T HARD TO UNDERSTAND, MIKE.

YOU'RE GOING TO COLLEGE

AND YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

ARCHIE HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY.

HE AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE NOTHING MORE

THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW.

BUT YOU, YOU GOT A CHANCE TO BE ANYTHING

YOU WANNA BE.

THAT'S WHY ARCHIE'S JEALOUS OF YOU.

HE SEES IN YOU ALL THE THINGS THAT HE COULD NEVER BE.

SO, THE NEXT TIME ARCHIE YELLS AT YOU

TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING.

NOW, YOU THINK THAT OVER,

AND WHEN YOU'RE READY, COME BACK IN HERE WITH US

AND BE WITH OUR FRIENDS.

I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

OH, WHAT?

I UNDERSTAND.

STOP IT!

I'M SAYING, TAKE MY PANTS!

I DON'T WANT 'EM! TAKE MY PANTS!

STOP IT!

YOU TWO SIT OVER THERE.

GO ON!

SIT DOWN. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

AND YOU LISTEN, TOO.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HURRY UP, WILL YOU? I'M TIRED.

NOW.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL

MY MOTHER AND FATHER GOT INTO A TERRIBLE FIGHT

THAT STARTED JUST BECAUSE THERE WASN'T ENOUGH

MAPLE SYRUP FOR MY FATHER'S PANCAKES.

MA, WHAT WE'RE ARGUING ABOUT HERE

IS A LITTLE BIT MORE IMPORTANT THAN MAPLE SYRUP.

JUST A MINUTE, I AIN'T FINISHED.

THEY DIDN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR 3 WHOLE WEEKS.

AND EVEN AFTER THEY MADE UP

THINGS WAS NEVER THE SAME BETWEEN THEM.

SO BEFORE YOU TWO START SAYING THINGS TO EACH OTHER

THAT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE BACK,

STOP, AND THINK

HOW MUCH YOU REALLY MEAN TO EACH OTHER.

NOW, I KNOW MAPLE SYRUP IS JUST A LITTLE THING

BUT WOULD YOU RATHER BREAK UP

OVER SOMETHING BIGGER?

GLORIA. MICHAEL.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

YOU WANNA GO UPSTAIRS?

YEAH.

MA,

I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A NOTHING.

YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.

OH,

THANKS, GLORIA.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

OH.

THANK YOU, MA.

GOOD NIGHT.

ARCHIE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

DO YOU THINK I'M SOMETHIN'?

YOU, EDITH, ARE SOMETHING ELSE.

WATCHING EDITH, YOU MIGHT GET THE IMPRESSION THAT

SHE'S ALWAYS CHEERFUL AND EASYGOING,

THE KIND OF LADY WHO WOULD NEVER FIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING.

NOT TRUE.

IF THE ISSUE IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH,

EDITH WILL STAND UP TO ANYBODY,

INCLUDING ARCHIE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING STIFLE!

OH, NO, ARCHIE. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LOSS,

BUT I AIN'T GONNA TAKE MINE.

YOU CAN GO TO A BASKETBALL GAME ANY DAY,

BUT YOUR 25TH ANNIVERSARY COMES ONCE IN A LIFETIME.

WE'RE GOING TO ATLANTIC CITY.

WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON.

OH, NOW LISTEN. NOW LISTEN. HEY, HEY!

TAKE IT EASY WITH THAT STUFF, HUH?

COME ON, WILL YOU?

A HONEYMOON IS FOR KIDS, EDITH.

IT'S NOT FOR OLDER PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

ARCHIE,

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I'M AT THE PRIME OF MY LIFE

AND AT THE HEIGHT OF MY SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS.

YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM.

$10 ON GLOWWORM IN THE 5TH.

YEAH.

GOODBYE.

EDITH, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT BEER.

YOU CAN NEVER BUY BEER. YOU CAN ONLY RENT IT.

AH, LOOK AT YOU, EDITH.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS.

DID I HEAR THE PHONE GO OFF? YEAH.

WELL, WHO WAS IT FOR?

IT WAS FOR YOU!

FOR ME. WELL, WHO WAS IT, HUH?

IT WAS GLOWWORM IN THE 5TH!

MIKE STIVIC'S LIFE WITH THE BUNKERS

ISN'T ALL PEACHES AND GLORIA.

NOT WITH ARCHIE AROUND.

ARCHIE'S A CREATURE OF HABIT,

AND HIS SON-IN-LAW IS ONE HABIT HE'D LIKE TO BREAK.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HER.

LAST NIGHT SHE WOULDN'T TALK TO ME.

IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS A PANE OF GLASS BETWEEN US.

DO YOU KNOW THAT IF WE DON'T CATCH THAT FISHING BOAT,

THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO DEEP-SEA FISHING.

WE'LL HAVE TO STAY ON THE DOCK WITH THE OLD PEOPLE THERE. HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

HOLD IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT?

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER FOOT?

THERE AIN'T NO SOCK ON IT.

I'LL GET TO IT.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE WHOLE WORLD

PUTS ON A SOCK AND A SOCK

AND A SHOE AND A SHOE?

I LIKE TO TAKE CARE OF ONE FOOT AT A TIME.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!

IT'S JUST AS QUICK MY WAY.

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT AIN'T THE POINT.

YOU SEE WHAT I... DON'T... DON'T KEEP DOING IT!

LISTEN TO ME!

SUPPOSE THERE'S A FIRE IN THE HOUSE

AND YOU GOT TO RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

YOUR WAY, ALL YOU GOT ON IS ONE SHOE AND A SOCK.

MY WAY, YOU GOT ON A SOCK AND A SOCK.

YOU SEE, YOU'RE EVEN.

SUPPOSE IT'S RAINING OR SNOWING OUTSIDE.

YOUR WAY, WITH A SOCK ON EACH FOOT,

MY FEET WOULD GET WET.

MY WAY, WITH A SOCK AND A SHOE ON ONE FOOT,

I CAN HOP AROUND AND STAY DRY.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I SWEAR I THINK YOU DO THESE THINGS SOMETIMES

JUST TO EAT MY HEART OUT.

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, YOU KNOW?

LITTLE BY LITTLE, PIECE BY PIECE,

YOU EAT MY HEART OUT!

I DON'T CARE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MR. BUNKER.

NO. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MR. STIVIC.

YOU ARE A MEATHEAD.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

A MEATHEAD.

DEAD FROM THE NECK UP.

MEAT. HEAD.

OH, YEAH?

NOW I SEE WHAT YOUR IDEA OF A FREE COUNTRY IS.

YOU'RE FREE TO SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT,

BUT... BUT IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH YOU,

THEY'RE EITHER THROWN INTO JAIL OR CALLED A MEATHEAD. RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE THIS IS AMERICA: "THE LAND THAT I LOVE."

WELL, I LOVE IT TOO, MR. BUNKER.

AND IT'S BECAUSE I DO THAT I PROTEST

WHEN I THINK THINGS ARE WRONG.

THEN, "STAND BESIDE HER,

"AND GUIDE HER,

THE RIGHT TO DISSENT IS THE PRINCIPLE UPON WHICH THIS COUNTRY WAS BASED.

"THROUGH THE NIGHT WITH A LIGHT FROM ABOVE

LISTEN TO ME. IT'S IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

"FROM THE MOUNTAINS,

WHY DO YOU THINK WE BROKE AWAY FROM ENGLAND TO BEGIN WITH?

"TO THE PRAIRIES,

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T AGREE WITH THEM! "TO THE OCEANS"

WE DEMANDED FREEDOM! "WHITE WITH FOAM,

IT'S GUYS LIKE YOU, WHO DON'T LISTEN TO REASON! "GOD BLESS

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE TOTALLY CLOSED-MINDED. AMERICA," YOU DUMB POLLACK.

YOU'RE PREJUDICED! YOU'RE PREJUDICED!

YOU'RE PREJUDICED! "MY HOME SWEET HOME."

ARCHIE! HE'S OUR GUEST! NOT ANY MORE. I'M LEAVING!

? GOD BLESS AMERICA ? YOU'RE PREJUDICED!

ARCHIE! GET AWAY FROM ME.

? MY HOME ?

? SWEET ?

? HOME ?

?

EVER THOUGHT ABOUT ALL OF THE WORDS

ALL IN THE FAMILY'S BROUGHT INTO GENERAL USAGE?

MEATHEAD,

STIFLE,

DINGBAT.

AND IF SOMEONE SAYS, "HE'S AN ARCHIE BUNKER TYPE."

WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANS.

I KNOW PEOPLE.

THE REASON YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PEOPLE

IS YOU ALWAYS GOT YOUR BIG MOUTH OPEN.

YOU'RE NEVER WILLING TO LISTEN TO NOBODY.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

MAY I HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME? NO.

TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'M GONNA TIME YOU.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU EXACTLY 5 MINUTES

TO GET SUPPER ON THE TABLE.

HOLD IT! HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

GET READY. GET SET.

GO!

OH, DADDY. WHY DO YOU MAKE MA RUN LIKE THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE LOVES IT.

SEE THAT?

WHAT'D I TELL YOU? SHE LOVES IT.

SHE'S PRETTY FAST, TOO.

IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A CHANGE OF LIFE,

YOU GOTTA DO IT RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU JUST 30 SECONDS!

NOW COME ON! CHANGE!

I AIN'T FAKING IT!

THIS IS A REAL PAIN HERE.

CAN'T YOU HEAR THAT?

MAYBE THE PAIN IS

UP...

OH, YOU THINKING OF PSYCHOSOMATIC?

YEAH. IT'S ALL UP HERE.

AH, CUT IT OUT! I AIN'T GOT NOTHING UP HERE.

IT'S ALL DOWN HERE.

ARCHIE HAS AN EXPLANATION AND A SOLUTION FOR EVERYTHING.

UNFORTUNATELY, HIS BRAND OF LOGIC

MAKES A FIGURE 8 LOOK LIKE A STRAIGHT LINE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 65% OF THE PEOPLE MURDERED IN THE LAST 10 YEARS

WERE KILLED BY HANDGUNS?

WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, LITTLE GIRL,

IF THEY WAS PUSHED OUT OF WINDOWS?

WOW. THAT'S CONVOLUTED LOGIC.

YES! AND THAT'S THE KIND OF STRAIGHT-THINKING

I'M TRYING TO PUT ACROSS HERE.

I HATE THAT JERK ON T.V.

OH, I GET IT. I GET IT.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT V.D. IN A PERMISSIVE SOCIETY,

HE WAS SMART, HUH?

YOU FIND OUT HE'S TALKING ABOUT GUN CONTROL, HE'S A JERK?

THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'M GOING TO PROVE IT TO YOU.

HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS U.S. OF A. WOULD LIKE TO HAVE GUNS?

TOO MANY. THOUSANDS.

BUT. HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE V.D.?

NOW I WANNA TALK ABOUT ANOTHER THING THAT'S ON EVERYBODY'S MIND TODAY.

AND THAT'S YOUR STICKUPS AND YOUR SKYJACKINGS.

WHICH, UH, IF THAT WAS UP TO ME,

I COULD END THE SKYJACKINGS TOMORROW.

YOU COULD?

ALL YOU GOT TO DO

IS ARM ALL YOUR PASSENGERS.

HE'D KNOW, IF THE PASSENGERS WERE ARMED,

THAT HE AIN'T GOT NO MORE SUPERIORORITY THERE.

HE AIN'T GONNA DARE TO PULL OUT NO ROD.

AND THEN YOUR AIRLINES,

THEN THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEARCH THE PASSENGERS ON THE GROUND NO MORE.

THEY JUST PASS OUT THE PISTOLS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE TRIP

AND THEY PICK THEM UP AGAIN AT THE END.

CASE CLOSED.

THE ONLY MISTAKE THE WHITE HOUSE MADE

WAS JUST HIRING A COUPLE OF SCREW-UPS.

A COUPLE OF SCREW-UPS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY SHOULD HAVE HIRED JAPS INSTEAD OF ALL THEM KRAUTS!

WHAT?

OF COURSE! THE JAPS ARE BETTER THAN THE KRAUTS

AT ELECTRONICS.

AND IF THE JAPS GET CAUGHT, THEY DO THE RIGHT THING:

THEY KILL THEMSELVES.

HIS PAL ROGER IS AS QUEER AS A $4 BILL, AND HE KNOWS IT.

THAT'S NOT ONLY CRUEL, DADDY, THAT'S AN OUTRIGHT LIE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, ARCHIE?

JUST BECAUSE A GUY IS SENSITIVE,

A-A-AND HE'S AN INTELLECTUAL, AND HE WEARS GLASSES,

YOU MAKE HIM OUT A QUEER.

I NEVER SAID A GUY WHO WEARS GLASSES IS A QUEER.

A GUY WHO WEARS GLASSES IS A FOUR-EYES.

A GUY WHO'S A FAG IS A QUEER.

WHAT ARE YOU AND HENRY JEFFERSON

GONNA DO WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHEN WE GET CAUGHT?

WE AIN'T DOING NOTHING CROOKED.

OH, NO?

WHILE THE ESTRADAS ARE THINKING IT OVER,

YOU AND HENRY ARE TRYING TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE

TO BUY THE HOUSE.

YOU DON'T CALL THAT CROOKED?

NO! THAT'S LOOKING OUT FOR NUMBER ONE.

WHERE DOES THAT PLACE HENRY JEFFERSON?

HE'S NUMBER 2.

WHY IS HE NUMBER 2?

BECAUSE, MEATHEAD, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE NUMBER 1 AND ONE NUMBER 2.

AND LIFE MADE JEFFERSON NUMBER 2 LONG BEFORE I COME ALONG.

SO I SUPPOSE THAT THE PUERTO RICANS ARE NUMBER 3, THEN, HMM?

NO, NO. NOT NECESSARILY THERE, LITTLE GIRL.

YOUR PUERTO RICANS COULD BE 4.

YOUR JAPS AND YOUR CHINKS COULD BE 3.

3A, 3B.

CRAZY! HE MAKES ME CRAZY!

ARE YOU GOING TO USE THOSE CRIB NOTES ON YOUR EXAM?

CERTAINLY I'M GONNA USE THEM.

I'M GONNA HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE IN THIS POCKET,

IN CASE I NEED THEM.

DADDY, THAT'S CHEATING!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CHEATING?

THAT AIN'T... CHEATING IS WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE SOMETHING

TO SOMEBODY ELSE AND YOU DON'T GIVE IT.

THAT'S CHEATING.

NOW ME, I'M TAKING A TEST.

I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM THE RIGHT ANSWERS.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM. I AIN'T CHEATING.

YOU'RE NOT BEING HONEST WITH YOURSELF!

I CERTAINLY AM, LITTLE GIRL.

I SAT DOWN,

I ASKED MYSELF A QUESTION:

I SAID, "COULD YOU PASS THIS HISTORY EXAM

WITHOUT THEM LITTLE PIECES OF PAPER?"

AND I GAVE MYSELF AN HONEST ANSWER:

"NO, YOU COULDN'T."

PICTURE PUZZLE.

GUESS WHICH WELL-KNOWN COUPLE

HAVE JUST HAD A FIGHT?

GLORIA?

EXCUSE ME.

OH, MICHAEL, COME HERE. MY FEET ARE COLD.

WAIT, WAIT, JUST... GLORIA. JUST A SECOND. JUST A SECOND.

DO IT FOR ME, HUH? JUST FOR ME.

PUT THE WIG ON, HUH?

I-I-IT MAKES YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT.

IT MAKES ME LOOK SO DIFFERENT.

MICHAEL, I MAY BE SLOW,

BUT IT'S FINALLY GETTING THROUGH TO ME.

I ONLY APPEAL TO YOU

WHEN I HAVE THIS DUMB WIG ON.

GLORIA, THAT'S NOT TRUE! MICHAEL, IT'S NOT ME,

IT'S THIS PILE OF HAIR FROM KRESSLER'S

THAT'S GETTING TO YOU.

I JUST HAPPEN TO BE STANDING UNDERNEATH IT.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I LOVE YOU WITH OR WITHOUT THE WIG.

IT'S JUST THAT RIGHT NOW I'D LIKE YOU WITH THE WIG.

SURE YOU WOULD.

BECAUSE THAT WAY, YOU CAN MESS AROUND WITH A DIFFERENT GIRL

WITHOUT CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE.

WHAT A SICKIE!

YOU'RE... YOU'RE CALLING ME A SICKIE, GLORIA?

YOU'RE THE SICK ONE.

YOU'RE JEALOUS OF YOUR OWN WIG!

I MEAN, TAKE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,

THE MALE IS ALWAYS IN CHARGE.

OH, YEAH? DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A KING BEE?

WHAT?

IT'S THE FEMALE WHO RUNS THE HIVE.

GLORIA, LOOK. ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY,

ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY,

IS THAT A MAN'S SEX DRIVES ARE DIFFERENT.

OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DRIVES, MICHAEL.

MINE ARE JUST AS STRONG AS YOURS.

AND IF IT GIVES ME PLEASURE, ONCE IN A WHILE,

TO BE THE PURSUER,

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS DELIVER.

ALL RIGHT, GLORIA. GET OFF THE COUCH AND COME BACK UPSTAIRS.

LET'S GO. LEAVE ME ALONE.

GLORIA, I AM IN NO MOOD FOR GAMES. I'M YOUR HUSBAND.

I'M TELLING YOU, GET OFF THE COUCH AND COME BACK UPSTAIRS.

GET LOST.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

I CAN SEE YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

I'M ACTING LIKE A CHILD, AM I? THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD,

AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TREAT YOU LIKE ONE. MICHAEL!

COME ON. YOU'RE COMING BACK UPSTAIRS. LET'S GO!

OH, ARCHIE! LOOK, IT'S ALL RIGHT. THEY MADE UP.

WHEN WE WERE LOOKING THROUGH THE PAST 99 SHOWS,

WE FOUND OURSELVES WONDERING,

WHAT WAS THE SCENE WHICH GOT THE LONGEST LAUGH

IN ALL IN THE FAMILY?

?

GLORIA! WHERE ARE YOU?

HOLD IT, MA!

I'M WAITING FOR DADDY.

IF I PROMISE

NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN,

WILL YOU LET ME GO?

OKAY, MR. WARD.

BUT IT'S THE LAST TIME.

NOW BEAT IT.

THANK YOU, SERGEANT.

THANK YOU.

HEY, HEY! GET OUT OF HERE. WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

DON'T DO THAT HERE!

BOOK HIM.

YEAH, GOOD OLD BUBBLES.

AHH.

OH, ARCHIE!

SHUT UP, EDITH.

THIS IS THE APPRECIATION YOU GET

FOR MAKING THE BIG DECISION TO BRING A KID INTO THIS WORLD.

OH, BIG DECISION. COME OFF IT, ARCH.

THE ONLY REASON A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE KIDS

IS BECAUSE THEY FORGET TO MAKE A TRIP TO THE DRUGSTORE.

FINALLY,

WELL, DON'T JUST TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT,

WHY DON'T YOU CLOCK THIS ONE FOR YOURSELVES?

MR. DAVIS. THIS IS AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE.

MY PLEASURE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CAN I GET A PICTURE? NO, NO, COME ON, MUNSON, NO PICTURES.

OH, NO. THIS ONE IS FOR ME.

MR. MUNSON, WOULD YOU STAND OVER THERE?

I WANT ONE PICTURE TAKEN WITH ARCHIE BUNKER,

MY FRIEND, AND ME.

YOU AND ME? YES. NOW ON 3, OKAY?

1,

2, 3!

GOODBYE, MR. MUNSON. PEACE AND LOVE.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT ARCHIE AND BIGOTRY.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT MIKE AND HIS PROBLEMS.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THE GROWTH OF GLORIA.

THE INDEPENDENCE AND STRENGTH

THAT LIES UNDERNEATH THE SWEETNESS AND LOVE

OF EDITH.

BUT I OFTEN THINK THAT THE THINGS ONE REMEMBERS MOST

IN ALL OF TELEVISION ARE MOMENTS.

VERY SPECIAL MOMENTS.

HEY, PUT 'EM UP.

SEE IF YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING I TAUGHT YOU WITH THE DUKES, HUH?

COME ON, PUT 'EM UP. GET 'EM UP. NO, DADDY.

DADDY, CUT THAT OUT! COME ON. HEY, HEY!

LOOK OUT FOR THAT ONE! DADDY, DON'T! STOP IT!

DADDY, I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS NOW.

I'M NOT YOUR LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE.

DON'T YOU NEVER TELL ME THAT.

HEY, EDITH.

NOT NOW, ARCHIE.

I AIN'T IN THE MOOD.

FOR WHAT?

EDITH, UH,

ABOUT THIS LITTLE SPAT WE'VE BEEN HAVING AROUND HERE ALL WEEK...

YEAH, ARCHIE?

WELL, YOU KNOW ALL THEM NAMES I WAS CALLING YOU, LIKE

"SAINT" AND "EDITH THE GOOD."

AND SAYING YOU WASN'T HUMAN AND ALL,

I... I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT, UH,

YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE SORRY.

YEAH.

I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT, ARCHIE.

ARCHIE.

GLORIA LOST THE BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

BUT THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE'S GONNA BE FINE.

SHE LOST THE BABY?

YES, ARCHIE.

SHE LOST THE BABY?

AH, GEE.

COME IN.

HI, DADDY.

HIYA, SWEETHEART.

HOW YOU FEELING? HEY, YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD, THERE.

I DIDN'T DO A VERY GOOD JOB, DID I?

AH, WHO SAID THAT? SOME DOPEY DOCTOR...

OH, NO, NO, DADDY. STOP THAT.

AH, GEE WHIZ.

YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHING?

WELL, NO, NO, NOT TONIGHT.

NO, NOT TONIGHT.

YOU LOVE ME.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DADDY.

THERE ARE VERY FEW SHOWS THAT CAN BLEND A SMILE AND A TEAR.

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M WATCHING ALL IN THE FAMILY,

THE LAUGH OR THE LUMP IN THE THROAT.

HERE I AM.

HEY, EDITH.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK KIND OF PRETTY STANDING THERE.

GEE, THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOU DID 25 YEARS AGO.

THANK YOU, ARCHIE.

COME ON. COME ON, LET'S KILL THIS BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE, HUH?

HA! WAIT.

I'M GONNA MAKE A TOAST.

THANK YOU FOR A WONDERFUL 25 YEARS.

WELL, EDITH, THANK YOU, TOO.

AFTER ALL, I COULDN'T HAVE DID IT WITHOUT YOU.

WELL, EDITH.

"WELL" WHAT?

WELL, THIS.

WELL, THAT'S SOME OF THE BEST OF ALL IN THE FAMILY.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT. I KNOW I DID.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT THE WONDERFUL CAST WE'VE JUST BEEN LAUGHING AT?

THEY'RE TALENTED, HARDWORKING,

AND HUNGRY.

GOOD NIGHT.

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