Original subtitles

? BOY, THE WAY GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE, OUR OLD LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

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HELLO. OH, DAMN.

OH, NO, LOUISE, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST I WAS HOPING IT WAS DADDY.

NO, NOT A WORD YET.

AND WE'VE BEEN CALLING THE CONVENTION HEADQUARTERS UP IN BUFFALO EVERY HOUR.

NOBODY'S SEEN HIM.

IT'S AS IF HE'S DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR.

NO. MOM'S NOT HERE.

SHE'S GONE DOWN TO THE POLICE STATION WITH MICHAEL TO FILL OUT A REPORT.

WELL, CALL ME THE MINUTE YOU HEAR ANYTHING.

AND TRY TO RELAX, SWEETIE.

I KNOW YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM HIM SOON.

WELL, STILL NO WORD FROM ARCHIE.

YEAH, PEACEFUL AIN'T IT?

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, GEORGE?

HEY, HO, HO, HO. WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT, WOMAN?

LISTEN, GEORGE, ARCHIE IS MISSING.

AND EDITH IS GOING OUT OF HER MIND WITH WORRY.

WHY? IS SHE AFRAID HE'S COMING BACK?

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, GEORGE.

TAKE THAT CLAW OUT OF MY FACE.

AND IF YOU GIVE ME THE FINGER ONE MORE TIME, WOMAN...

YOU CALL ME "WOMAN" ONE MORE TIME

AND I'M GOING TO PUT ALL 5 FINGERS TOGETHER AND...

GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT RIGHT HERE.

AND YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

WHAT?

YOUR MOTHER WILL HAVE AN UNEXPECTED GUEST. YOU.

DAMN IT, LOUISE. WHY DO YOU KEEP STICKING UP FOR THAT HONKY?

YOU HEAR THE WAY HE'S ALWAYS FAT-MOUTHING US.

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN HIS INSULTS, IS HIS COMPLIMENTS.

"I SAID, JEFFERSON, THERE,

"YOU KNOW WHY YOU PEOPLE GOT SUCH NATURAL RHYTHM?

FROM BEING GROWN UP ON ALL 'EM TOM-TOMS."

THEN THERE'S THE BULL ABOUT JUST 'CAUSE WE BLACK, WE CAN'T GET ENOUGH SEX.

WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S BULL, DON'T WE GEORGE?

YOU BETTER LIGHTEN UP, LOUISE.

BUT YOU DO HAVE RHYTHM.

1 OUT OF 2 AIN'T BAD.

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. YOU HEAR THAT, LOUISE? TOO FAR.

DON'T YOU SLAM MY TABLE. WHAT?

I'LL SLAM YOUR TABLE. I'LL SLAM YOUR CHAIR.

I'LL SLAM YOUR WALL. ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT ME TO SLAM?

YES. THE DOOR FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

YOU GOT IT.

MR. WARD, WHAT YOU DID IS AGAINST THE LAW.

I'LL BE WITH YOU FOLKS IN JUST A MINUTE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YES, SIR.

LOOK, IF I PROMISE NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN,

WILL YOU LET ME GO?

OK, MR. WARD, BUT, IT'S THE LAST TIME.

NOW BEAT IT. THANK YOU, SERGEANT. THANK YOU.

HEY, HEY! GET OUT OF HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

DON'T DO THAT!

BOOK HIM.

SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE THAT, MA.

THAT REMINDS ME, ARCHIE FORGOT TO PACK HIS RAINCOAT.

I'M, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, MA'AM.

NOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Y-Y-YEAH. MY HUSBAND IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN BUFFALO AT A CONVENTION,

BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN GET ON THE BUS.

UH, WE'D LIKE TO FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT.

OK. WHAT'S YOUR HUSBANDS NAME, LADY?

ARCHIE BUNKER. AND HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN MISSING?

SINCE NOON, YESTERDAY.

OH, WE CAN'T FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT

UNTIL 24 HOURS HAVE PASSED.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I MEAN. WHAT'S ANOTHER FEW HOURS?

A MAN IS MISSING. WE'VE COME HERE TO REPORT IT.

ALL WE'RE ASKING YOU TO DO IS TRY TO FIND HIM.

LOOK, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO HELP YOU,

BUT THERE ISN'T TOO MUCH WE CAN DO RIGHT NOW.

UH, UNLESS...

HAS YOUR HUSBAND EVER HAD AMNESIA?

OH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

HE NEVER USED LAXATIVES. JUST PRUNE JUICE.

LADY, THIS, UH, HUSBAND OF YOURS

IS HE FIFTY-ISH, OVERWEIGHT,

ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT MONEY,

STUCK IN A DULL JOB, KIND OF SOUR IN LIFE?

THAT'S WONDERFUL, YOU'VE SEEN HIM.

NO, BUT, I'VE SEEN A MILLION GUYS JUST LIKE HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

A LOT OF OUR MISSING PERSONS TURN OUT TO BE RUNAWAYS.

AND 98 PERCENT OF ALL THE MEN INVOLVED

ARE RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE OF, UH, EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS.

OH, ARCHIE AIN'T INTERESTED IN AFFAIRS.

HE DON'T EVEN LIKE SMALL DINNER PARTIES.

H-HELLO. REGISTRATION DESK?

YES, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME IF A MR. ARCHIE BUNKER

HAS CHECKED INTO THE HOTEL YET?

Y-YES, I'LL HOLD.

HE HASN'T CHECKED IN YET.

THANK YOU.

OH, BOY. WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S A COLLECTION OF STUFF I FOUND UP IN ARCHIE'S CLOSET.

MICHAEL, YOU WENT INTO DADDY'S ROOM? THOSE THINGS ARE PERSONAL.

GLORIA, THE POLICE SAID IT WOULD HELP

IF WE COULD BUILD UP A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF ARCHIE.

YEAH, BUT THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF OLD SOUVENIRS.

IT MIGHT GIVE US A CLUE TO WHERE ARCHIE'S GONE.

A "WIN WITH WILKIE" BUTTON?

LOOK AT THIS. AN OLD RIPLEY'S "BELIEVE IT OR NOT" CLIPPING.

"BECAUSE OF THE POPULATION GROWTH RATE IN CHINA

"IF YOU LINED UP ALL THE CHINESE, 4 ABREAST

AND MARCHED THEM INTO THE SEA, THE LINE WOULD NEVER END."

I WONDER WHY HE KEPT THIS.

MAYBE HE LIKED THE IDEA.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, DADDY GOT THAT FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU MEAN HE KEPT HIS GRADES?

NO, MICHAEL. IT STANDS FOR FLUSHING.

OH, SO THAT'S WHAT HE MAJORED IN.

FLUSHING HIGH SCHOOL. HE WAS ON THE BASEBALL TEAM.

HEY! IT COULD HAVE STARTED WAY BACK THEN.

OH, I'LL GET IT. YEAH. THAT'S IT.

MAYBE HE NEVER BECAME A REAL BALLPLAYER,

SO NOW HE'S STILL MAD AT LIFE.

MAYBE NOT. I DON'T KNOW.

HI. HI.

YEAH, WELL, THAT MAKES 2 HIGH.

ONE OF US BETTER COME DOWN FROM UP THERE.

UH, I'M NOT SURE...

OH, I'M, UH, STRETCH CUNNINGHAM, GLORIA.

FROM YOUR FATHER'S PLANT.

OH, OH, STRETCH CUNNINGHAM. OH, COME ON IN.

OH, BUT I'M, UH, I'M AFRAID THAT DADDY'S NOT HERE.

YEAH, I HEARD. YEAH, I ASKED STRETCH TO COME OVER, GLORIA.

THANKS A LOT, STRETCH.

OH, THAT'S OK. I HAD TO WALK THAT WAY, ANYWAY.

AS THE MAN SAID WHEN HE BOUGHT THE TALCUM POWDER.

WHY DID YOU WANT TO TALK WITH MR. CUNNINGHAM?

WELL, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE STRETCH COULD TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT ARCHIE

THAT WE DON'T ALREADY KNOW.

OH. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?

OH, NO THANKS. I AIN'T GOT LONG.

I PROMISED TINY STUBAFORE I'D GO BOWLING WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW TINY? NO.

OH, TOO BAD. THEY GET A BIG KICK OUT OF US DOWN AT THE ALLEY.

LIKE SOMETIMES, UH, WHEN TINY BEATS ME,

I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES NEXT TO HIM AND I YELL:

"HEY. WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE?"

AND FUNNY THINGS LIKE THAT.

THAT'S FUNNY, STRETCH. W-WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN OVER HERE?

UH, AT WORK DID ARCHIE MENTION ANYTHING

ABOUT THE LODGE CONVENTION?

SURE, HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

HE SAID WITH ANY LUCK

THEY'D HAVE OF 'EM FEMALE CAKES.

A WHAT?

Y-YOU KNOW, ONE OF THEM CAKES WHERE THE BROAD POPS OUT OF THE TOP.

UH, DOES ARCHIE OFTEN TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT?

CAKE?

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO. WOMEN, SEX.

MICHAEL! GLORIA, THIS COULD ME IMPORTANT.

MY FATHER WOULD NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN.

OH YEAH? HE LOOKS AT BOOM-BOOM TURNER ALL THE TIME.

BOOM-BOOM TURNER?

YEAH, UH, THE RECEPTIONIST DOWN AT THE PLANT.

MILDRED "BOOM-BOOM" TURNER.

SHE'S BUILT...

AND WHEN SHE WALKS, BOOM-BOOM.

MICHAEL, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE OF THIS.

OH, YOU'VE GOTTA FACE FACTS, GLORIA.

I MEAN, YOUR OLD MAN'S GOT A LOT OF GET-UP-AND-GO.

SO MAYBE HE JUST GOT UP AND WENT.

YOU KNOW, BOOM-BOOM HERE, BOOM THERE...

STRETCH! EVERYWHERE A BOOM-BOOM.

MY FATHER ISN'T LIKE THAT.

UH, THANKS A LOT, STRETCH,

REALLY, UH, BUT I THINK GLORIA'S RIGHT.

ARCHIE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH TO SET UP SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OH, DON'T BE TOO SURE.

AIN'T NO FLIES ON ARCH.

HE TOLD ME SO THE OTHER DAY.

"AIN'T NO FLIES ON ME, STRETCH," HE SAID.

AND I SAID, "THEN HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?"

YOU GET IT?

SORT OF A PLAY ON WORDS.

YEAH, YEAH, WELL, UH,

LISTEN, IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO TO HELP,

- YOU LET ME KNOW, HUH? - YEAH, YEAH. WE WILL.

YEAH, THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA.

WELL, GLORIA, WE GOT TO TRY EVERYTHING.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT HE WAS SUGGESTING?

HE WAS SUGGESTING THAT DADDY'S RUN OFF WITH SOME WOMAN.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, GLORIA,

BUT THE POLICE SAID THAT 98 PERCENT OF THE MEN ARCHIE'S AGE...

BUT NOT DADDY! OH, MICHAEL. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

RIDICULOUS, HUH? WHAT?

"ME AND MILDRED,

COMPANY PICNIC, 1973."

BOOM-BOOM?

BOOM-BOOM.

GLORIA, WE'RE GONNA GIVE A COMPLETE DESCRIPTION OF BOOM-BOOM

TO EVERYBODY WE RUN INTO. ALL RIGHT?

HEIGHT, 5' 4",

WEIGHT, 125.

AGE, UH, 35.

OUTSTANDING PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS,

2.

MICHAEL, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WHY WOULD DADDY RUN OFF WITH A WOMAN LIKE BOOM-BOOM?

GLORIA, HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE 7-YEAR ITCH?

BUT HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR 26 YEARS.

ALL RIGHT, SO IT TOOK HIM 19 YEARS TO START SCRATCHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CALLING THE PLANT.

OH, GLORIA, YOU CALLED THEM TWICE IN THE PAST HOUR.

THEY SAID THEY'D CALL BOOM-BOOM AT HOME FOR YOU.

SO, WHY HASN'T SHE PHONED US YET?

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HOME!

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

OH, COME ON GLORIA. YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT COCK-AND-BULL STORY

THE PLANT GAVE YOU, THAT SHE'S HOME SICK, DO YOU?

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

I'M GOING TO CALL HER AT HOME MYSELF.

THAT... THAT'S GREAT, GLORIA. THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

AND... AND SUPPOSE SHE'S HOME, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO HER?

"HELLO, MISS TURNER. I HATE TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT ARE YOU SHACKING UP WITH MY FATHER?"

OH, HI, MA.

HI, MA. UH, THERE'S NO NEWS YET.

HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND.

OH, THANK YOU, MIKE.

OH, MA. YOU GOT TO TRY NOT TO WORRY SO MUCH.

OH, I WASN'T WORRYING THEN, GLORIA.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY UNCLE HENRY'S WATCH.

HUH?

IT WAS ONE OF THEM BIG RAILWAY WATCHES

HANGING ON A HEAVY SILVER CHAIN.

HE USED TO WEAR IT TO WORK AT THE BREWERY.

EXCEPT HE NEVER WORE IT ON SATURDAYS.

ON SATURDAYS, HE'D WIND IT UP AND PUT IT ON THE TABLE

NEXT TO HIS BED, BESIDE THE GLASS WITH HIS TEETH IN IT.

HE NEVER WORE THEM ON SATURDAYS NEITHER.

ANYWAY, I USE TO SNEAK INTO HIS BEDROOM

AND PICK UP THE WATCH AND LISTEN TO IT TICKING.

THERE IT WAS, ALL WOUND UP

AND TELLING THE TIME EVEN THOUGH NOBODY WANTED TO KNOW.

WHAT MADE YOU THINK OF THAT, MA?

WELL, IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT AT FERGUSON'S MARKET.

JUST NOW, THERE I WAS

FILLING MY SHOPPING BASKET WITH ALL THE RIGHT THINGS,

BUT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER TAKING THEM OFF THE SHELVES.

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY ON THE OUTSIDE

IS BUSY BEING ME

AND SOMEBODY ON THE INSIDE

IS BUSY THINKING ABOUT ARCHIE.

MA, DADDY WILL COME HOME.

OH, I KNOW HE WILL, GLORIA.

I... I JUST BOUGHT HIM SOME BEER.

THAT WAY HE HAS TO COME HOME,

UH, TO DRINK IT.

OH, I BETTER PUT THIS STUFF AWAY.

I'M MAKING THAT CALL, MICHAEL.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, GLORIA.

FOR MA'S SAKE, I, I... I HOPE I'M WRONG.

MICHAEL, I KNOW YOU'RE WRONG.

PLEASE BE HOME, BOOM-BOOM.

IN BED,

SICK,

ALONE.

NO ANSWER?

OH, POOR MA, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL HER?

THE TRUTH. YOU GOT TO TELL HER THE TRUTH.

WHY ME? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT FOUND THE PICTURE.

GLORIA, YOU'RE MUCH BETTER AT IT THAN I AM, AFTER ALL, YOU'RE A WOMAN.

OH, YOU GOT TO GIVE ME A BETTER REASON THAN THAT.

HOW 'BOUT I'M A COWARD?

OK, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL HER.

TELL ME WHAT, GLORIA?

MA, WILL YOU PLEASE COME OVER HERE AND SIT DOWN?

YOU SEE, THIS IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT.

MICHAEL HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO TELL YOU.

NO, I DON'T.

HONEY, PLEASE. NO, NO, NO.

HELP! UM,

OH, BOY.

UM, MA,

UH, W-W-WE'RE NOT SURE, BUT,

WELL, UH,

WE THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT...

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ARCHIE AND ANOTHER WOMAN?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

WELL, IT'S ONLY NATURAL.

A MAN AS HANDSOME AS ARCHIE.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO HIM LIKE FLIES.

YOU MEAN THERE HAVE BEEN OTHER WOMEN?

OH, SURE, CYBIL GULEY,

THE CHECKER DOWN AT FERGUSON'S MARKET.

NO.

OH, SURE,

EVERY TIME ARCHIE GOES SHOPPING FOR ME

SHE ALWAYS GIVES HIM DOUBLE BAGS.

UH, MA.

I... I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE THIS.

OH, WHAT A NICE PICTURE OF ARCHIE.

UH, UH, NO, MA, THE... THE WOMAN, LOOK AT... LOOK AT THE WOMAN.

THAT'S BOOM-BOOM.

YOU KNOW BOOM-BOOM?

OH SURE, HER REAL NAME IS MILDRED TURNER.

I MET HER LAST YEAR AT THE COMPANY PICNIC.

UH, UH, H-HOW DID YOU KNOW THEY CALLED HER BOOM-BOOM?

ARCHIE TOLD ME.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL HER BOOM-BOOM?

NO.

BECAUSE SHE USED TO PLAY DRUMS IN THE HIGH SCHOOL ORCHESTRA.

UH, MA,

I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT

WE THINK THAT ARCHIE AND BOOM-BOOM ARE

HAVING AN AFFAIR TOGETHER.

WHAT?

HAVING AN AFFAIR TOGETHER!

OH, NO, NOT ARCHIE.

NOT UNLESS SHE'S HYPNOTIZED HIM OR SOMETHING.

OH, WOULD YOU GET THAT?

I, UH, NEED A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN.

SURE, MA.

OH, STRETCH.

HEY, HAVE I GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.

BUT FIRST I GOTTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

REMEMBER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT BOOM-BOOM, WELL, LOOK AT THIS.

ANOTHER PICTURE OF ARCHIE AND BOOM-BOOM.

CHRISTMAS 1972.

YEAH, HE AND BOOM-BOOM MAKE A GREAT LOOKING TRIO, DON'T THEY?

ANYWAY, I, UH, FOUND OUT SOMETHING ELSE YOU SHOULD KNOW.

STRETCH. OH, HI. EDITH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, UH, WELL, UH, THIS IS KIND OF SQUIRMISH, YOU KNOW.

PLEASE, STRETCH, TELL MA. SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.

OK.

UH, BEING A FRIEND, I THOUGHT I'LL DO A LITTLE CHECKING FOR YOU,

SO I CALLED BOOM-BOOM'S HOUSE TO SEE IF SHE'S REALLY HOME SICK

AND, UH, I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT, UH, SHE AIN'T EVEN HOME.

SO I CALL HER MOTHER, BOOM-BOOM'S OUT OF TOWN.

OUT OF TOWN.

UH, LISTEN, UH, I GOT TO BE GOING.

WELL, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY, STRETCH.

UH, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO BRING BAD NEWS,

BUT WHEN THERE AIN'T NO GOOD NEWS, WHAT OTHER KIND OF NEWS CAN YOU BRING?

AND THAT'S THE GUY ARCHIE CALLS THE KING OF COMEDY.

OH, I'M SORRY, MA.

OH, WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, GLORIA. HE MEANT WELL.

UH, MA, THE POLICE SAID THAT THEY WANTED A PICTURE OF ARCHIE.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE?

DOES IT MATTER IF HE AIN'T SMILING?

I DON'T THINK SO.

THEN I'LL GET OUR WEDDING PICTURE.

DOES GLORIA STIVIC LIVE HERE?

YEAH. YOU'RE MILDRED...

TURNER.

THAT'S RIGHT, WHO'S GLORIA STIVIC?

THAT'S, UH, THAT'S ME.

OK, SO WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON HERE?

I TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS SICK LEAVE AND YOU GOT THE WHOLE TOWN LOOKING FOR ME.

YEAH, UH, WELL, WE JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

PLANT'S BEEN CALLING MY MOTHER,

STRETCH CUNNINGHAM'S BEEN CALLING MY MOTHER, YOU GOT HER WORRIED TO DEATH.

OH, WE'RE SORRY. YOU'RE SORRY, I'M SORRY.

WHAT'S THE SENSE OF BEING ALONE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

IF YOUR MOTHER KEEPS CALLING?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. WE PLAN TO GET MARRIED.

AS SOON AS HE GETS HIS DIVORCE.

MY MOTHER WILL NEVER LET HIM GO.

FIRST MY MOTHER, NOW YOUR MOTHER.

W-WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ANYWAY?

I... I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHO GLORIA'S MOTHER IS, BOOM-BOOM.

BOOM-BOOM, DID YOU CALL ME BOOM-BOOM?

I THOUGHT EVERYBODY CALLED YOU THAT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I HAVE DONE SOME BIG THINGS IN MY LIFE.

IN HIGH SCHOOL I GOT ALL A'S.

DOES ANYBODY EVER SAY "THERE GOES THE BRAIN"?

IN 1962, I WON A DANCE CONTEST

AT ARTHUR MURRAY'S.

DOES ANYBODY EVER SAY "THERE GOES MISS GRACEFUL"?

JUST ONCE I WALK ACROSS THE LOADING DOCK

AND A KLUTZ BY THE NAME OF ARCHIE BUNKER SAYS "BOOM-BOOM."

THAT, THEY REMEMBER.

WELL, IF YOU THINK THIS ARCHIE BUNKER IS SUCH A KLUTZ,

WHY DID YOU HAVE THIS PICTURE TAKEN WITH HIM?

I DIDN'T. SEE EVERY TIME I STAND STILL AROUND THE PLACE

THAT KLUTZ BUNKER JUMPS NEXT TO ME.

AND GETS HIS GOOFBALL FRIEND, STRETCH CUNNINGHAM, TO SNAP ANOTHER PICTURE.

OH, IT DRIVES HAROLD CRAZY.

WHO'S HAROLD?

MY BOYFRIEND.

OH.

OH.

OH, MISS TURNER, I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUT HAROLD.

YOU SEE, I'M ARCHIE BUNKER'S DAUGHTER.

OH, IS THAT SO, WELL,

YOU GOT MY SYMPATHY.

NOW YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT IS ALL THE PANIC

ABOUT GETTING AHOLD OF ME?

WELL, UH, THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING, UH,

SEE, UH, UH, UH,

ARCHIE LEFT TOWN YESTERDAY A-A-AND STRETCH SAID THAT YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.

SO WELL, WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU AND ARCHIE WERE TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW.

ME WITH ARCHIE BUNKER?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH ARCHIE BUNKER?

WHY WOULD ANY WOMAN WANT TO BE WITH ARCHIE BUNKER?

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, HE HAPPENS TO BE A WONDERFUL MAN.

NOW WAIT, GLORIA, LET'S NOT EXAGGERATE.

WHAT?

MA, MA, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

OH, YEAH, LOOK, IT'S BOOM-BOOM.

OH, I'M SORRY.

WHY SHOULD YOU BE ANY DIFFERENT? YOU KNOW,

NOBODY EVER REMEMBERS MY REAL NAME.

MILDRED...

THANK YOU.

"BOOM-BOOM" TURNER.

THAT'S IT. GOODBYE.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE MISS TURNER, DON'T GO.

WHY, WHAT'S TO KEEP ME?

WELL, UH, I WAS WONDERING IF

YOU AND ME NEED TO HAVE

A WOMAN-TO-OTHER-WOMAN TALK?

UH, MA, NO, WE WERE, WE WERE WRONG.

ARCHIE... ARCHIE AND, UH, MISS TURNER WERE NEVER TOGETHER.

REALLY, OH, I'M SO GLAD.

BELIEVE ME, SO AM I.

OH, MA.

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT?

DADDY'S NOT WITH BOOM-BOOM.

I KNOW, GLORIA.

BUT IF HE WAS WITH BOOM-BOOM, I'D KNOW WHERE HE WAS.

THIS WAY,

WHERE IS HE?

WHY, AIN'T THIS FUN?

NEXT WEEK ON ALL IN THE FAMILY.

SO GLOOMY AND I WAS MISSING ARCHIE.

AND NOW HE'S COMING HOME AND WE'RE HAVING A PARTY.

WHEN IS ARCHIE GOING TO GET HOME?

WHO CARES?

GEORGE!

? WHO CARES IF THE SKY ?

? STARTS TO FALL INTO THE SEA ?

EDITH, I THINK YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

OH, NO.

YOU CAN'T FLY ON ONE LEG.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THIS ALL DAY.

NOW I'M GOING TO REALLY DO IT. WATCH.

OH!

BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR ARCHIE'S RETURN.

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

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