Original subtitles

Thirty days ago, our world shattered.

Our beloved father left us to the world of truth.

The Gemara teaches in maseches shabbos

that only 30 days after the passing,

as long as flesh remains on the body,

anything said to the niftar

will be heard by him

until his fate is sealed.

So today, on the thirtieth day,

we would like to tell you, Father,

we're sorry.

Sorry if we ever offended you.

Sorry if we ever hurt you.

Everything we did, we did in your honor.

Okay.

So, where were we?

Who made the final call?

Arye for the top of the gravestone,

and Mom for the bottom.

Ah, got it.

"Loved and loving."

Yeah. What's the problem with that?

No, just... Nothing.

Just that neither is true.

What do you care if that's how she wants to remember it?

Yeah. Who cares about the truth?

I really appreciate the offer, Poli.

-No. - I mean, I hope you know that.

- Of course you appreciate it.

- It's a great offer. Yes. -You know me.

Do you really think I'm gonna change my mind?

How much do you make in your consulting work?

- Poli! - Why? What's wrong?

- That is none of your business. - Baby, telling you,

- it's a terrible waste. - Stop it.

You're the best product manager in America.

- Mm-hmm. - And I'm offering you here

an amazing start up. Not some...

- I know. - ...fucking corporate gig.

It's a hell of a ride.

That's what always turned you on.

Doesn't turn me on anymore.

Mm-hmm.

I don't believe that.

- A drive like that doesn't-- -How are you guys doing here?

- Mind if I clear some plates? - Yeah, thanks.

And would you be interested in any dessert today?

-Yeah, sure. Why not? What do you-- - No.

Sorry.

You know, why don't I give you guys

- a minute, okay? -Okay. Yeah.

- Sorry. Did you want something? - No, it's okay.

- I just-- - Do you mean you don't want anything?

Well, it's just, uh, I have to leave 'cause, uh,

Ava's got a dentist appointment soon.

Ah, okay. Okay. No problem. Uh...

So, how about tonight?

Can't tonight. I have Ava.

Jonathan's out of town.

Okay. Well, can't you get a babysitter?

I try not to do that on the nights

that I have her with me.

Got it. Okay.

-Whenever you guys are ready. - Uh-huh.

Will you stay for coffee?

Uh, I have to get back. I can't.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you stay one more night

and leave first thing tomorrow morning?

Mom, I can't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch out, watch out.

- Slow down, slow down. - Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay.

-Okay. Slow down.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay. Just drive a little slower, okay?

- I'm still not used to driving. -Yeah.

Your father hardly ever let me.

And I always really liked it.

So, that's a silver lining, right?

What? What do you mean?

No, no, nothing.

What nothing?

I mean, it's just-- I think it's okay to--

I don't know. To recognize the positive aspects of...

not living with him anymore, you know,

not always worrying what Dad thinks.

What?

Do you think I'm supposed to be happy your father is dead?

No, I didn't say that. Did I say that?

No, I'm saying that I--

Look, he wasn't the easiest guy to live with.

Right? Let's say he was very free with his judgments.

So what?

He had high standards, especially for himself.

Oh, Mom, come on.

Most of the time you were just scared of him.

- Scared? - Yeah, you were scared.

You were scared that he was gonna accuse you

- of some mortal-- - Yonatan, where is this coming from?

Why are you talking like this?

What's wrong with talking?

Maybe if you and Dad spoke more, then--

We spoke a lot.

We had five children, we had a household to run.

-All right. - What, you think we didn't speak?

-Okay. - So cut it out.

I'm just saying that you spent many, many years

living with someone you didn't love, okay?

Not to mention, you know, attraction.

What?

I just don't want you to feel guilty

about feeling the tiniest bit relieved.

Well, I'm not relieved.

-Okay. - Would you like to force me to feel relieved?

- Okay. -I loved your father.

Yes, yes.

Maybe not by your standards.

All right. Well, I'm not interested

in having a fight with you, okay?

Mmm.

- I'm just saying-- - I'm not.

Before you disrespect what I had with your father,

- think hard... -Mm-hmm?

...about whether you did everything you could

to stay together, you know, to get sholom bayis.

All right. Stay together for the kids.

-And even if so... - The kids.

...what's so wrong about that?

What? Is that anything to look down on?

You don't think that's important?

A kid will always want his parents to stay together

- even if it's not-- - Uh, first of all,

- definitely not always. -All those people

who say, "Oh, if I'm happy,

then my kid will be happy too,"

that is nonsense.

Get a divorce, fine. But don't lie to yourself.

I really-- I'm just savoring every moment with her, you know.

The years go so fast, and now we have

these amazing nights together. There's--

- We watch movies, and-- - Are you seeing someone?

What? No.

Yeah, I think you are.

Well, I'm not, so.

And I have a feeling I know who it is, too.

I'm not seeing anybody,

and I'm not planning on it anytime soon.

Is it Ackerman?

What? No, of course not.

I think it is. And honestly,

I always knew it was going to happen at some point.

All right. Well, it's not Ackerman. It's--

I mean, it's not anyone, actually, so.

Okay. Whatever. Fair enough.

This is me.

Okay. Well, uh...

Good luck with him.

I give it a year max.

- Okay, I'll-- - Then you leave him too.

Okay.

You know, sometimes I just...

I just wish I hadn't met you at all.

- I didn't spend all these years on... -Poli, stop.

...someone who doesn't understand what it means

to be in a relationship.

You're saying things that you don't mean. Stop.

And what living together actually means. Family.

Okay, well... I'm running late.

Bye, Poli.

- Hello? Hey, Mom.

- Hey, honey. How you doing? -Good.

Josie's mom wanted me to check if I can watch a PG-13 movie.

Well, I'm doing great. Thanks for asking.

Mom.

Yeah, of course you can.

That's what I told her, but she wanted me to ask. Mom?

Um, tell her thank you for checking and, you know,

if you could also remind her that--

We're about to have dinner, so I can't really talk.

Okay-- Yeah, but hon-- Okay, just remember, you know,

I have a meeting that's really late,

so, um, if you need anything,

- just have her text me and-- -I know. You told me.

-Oh, Mom? -Yes, honey?

- Can I go to sleep at- 30, please?

- Okay. - 'Cause Josie's bedtime is30.

Um, Josie's a little older than you.

Mom.

But, um...

uh, yeah, sure, you can.

-Thank you. - You're welcome.

Please try to get some sleep though, okay?

Okay, love you, bye.

- Okay, love you--

- Hey. -Hey.

Is she with Veronica?

No, she's with Josie. It's--

- Oh, right, right, right. - Yeah, yeah.

- She's over the moon, though. - Yeah.

- Sleepover on a school night. - Oh, wow. Yeah, I bet. I mean--

How's your mom?

Uh, she's good, she's good.

Yeah, it ended up being a little harder than I expected

- to leave, so... -That's okay.

I mean, you could have stayed. It's--

- No, no, no, don't-- - I texted you that--

No way, no way.

- Shall we get going? - Yes, let's do it.

You know, when, um, I was leaving,

Arye said, "Happy Purim."

- Is today Purim? - Sunday.

Oh.

So you know-- you know what that means?

Mm-mmm.

Our anniversary.

What? What are you talking about?

Our anniversary was, uh, September 2nd.

Not-- not of our wedding.

Of the first time we...

you know.

- After the emergency room. - Right.

After my asthma attack.

How do you even remember that date?

- Because it was Purim. - Okay.

And I was over at Hoffman's.

We were drinking ourselves to death.

And that's-- that's how the whole thing started.

I thought maybe...

You know what? Would you make a left turn here?

No, it's actually further down.

No, I know, but just make a left here.

Is the place-- is the surprise you were talking to me about?

Left.

- Okay, mister. - Right here.

Actually, you know what?

Pull over right here.

You're not gonna kidnap and murder me, are you?

Just pull over.

Can I open my eyes now?

Not yet.

Well?

Almost there.

Open your eyes.

Surprise.

- Yeah, so...

I kind of became obsessed with the house.

Okay.

And I've been driving by it on my way to work

and on my way back just to see it.

I know it's...

I know. It's very sentimental of me.

- It's very nice. - Yeah.

So, um, anyway, uh, when my parents visited,

uh, last Hanukkah, I went on Airbnb to find a place

for them to stay and suddenly, our house popped up.

Huh.

Yeah, I guess they rent it out

when they go on vacation or whatever.

So, um-- so I signed up for, uh, alerts.

So, are they on vacation now?

I guess so. Yeah.

So what do you say?

- Yeah. -Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So...

- there's a lockbox... -Okay.

...somewhere. Ah, here it is.

Four, oh, five...

Okay.

Thank you.

- Boys. - Crazy, huh?

What do you think, like...

seven and ten?

Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

What's that smell?

Dead body?

Oh.

What is it?

Hockey stink.

- It's worse.

Sweet.

I guess this one they couldn't really improve.

They kept the light fixtures.

Yeah.

No smoking, no pets,

- no parties or events. - Mm.

Huh.

Is that included in the rental?

- I'll get them a new one.

You're such a rebel.

That's me.

Thanks.

- Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

Seventeen years.

Can you believe it?

Yeah.

Well, my parents celebrated their 53rd-year anniversary

this year.

That's-- That's crazy.

What?

Just, I got in a fight with my mom.

But I kinda picked the fight with her.

For some reason I was trying to get her to admit

that her marriage had been terrible.

You--

It's amazing how you always become like a little boy

- around your mom. - I know. I don't know why.

- Why? - I don't know why.

- Don't know why I did that. - Mm-hmm.

At least we talked, you know. Like really talked.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure she must be so proud of you right now.

Yeah, in her own way.

Elisheva told me that she watched my TED Talk

- like six times. - Really?

But she'd never tell me that, though.

And I can't tell her I know.

You know how that whole dance goes.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

She says hi, by the way.

- Come on. - It's true.

What?

You think she suspects something about the two of us?

- About us? - Yeah.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

No way. No, no, no, seriously, no way.

How can you be so sure?

- Because... - Mmm.

Nothing could seem more far-fetched than this.

It's completely outside her spectrum of possibilities.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, so when she saw us go up to your old room together

when I visited a month ago after your father died...

- Mm-hmm. - That...

What? No, it's totally acceptable

for children to have guests in their old room during Shiva.

Right.

And, um, when she knocked on the door

and you didn't answer it?

She thought I was sleeping. I asked her afterwards. I did.

- I'm not convinced. - I'm telling you,

if I could never imagine this happening,

there's no way she could.

What did you imagine?

When you came to Shiva?

Honestly, I was just trying to hide the fact

that I had a massive boner in front of everybody.

I know.

I felt it when you hugged me.

- I wanted you to feel it. - Oh, my God.

And then, when you asked me to go upstairs with you,

I felt that all the eyes in the house were watching us

and they knew exactly what was about to happen.

Mmm. What did that do to you?

It made me wet.

It' was so crazy.

In the middle of all that family shit and grief.

And after all that time, you coming in there like that,

like... like an apparition.

Well, I know. I saw it on your face.

They're really, like, making me angry, you know?

Yeah, I get that.

- It's not ugly. - No.

They did a nice job, but like...

- how dare they, you know?

Uh-huh.

Still, it's better than a hotel room, right?

I don't know. I kind of like a hotel room.

- Really? -Yeah.

Something about it's like,

it is what it is and it's not what it's not.

Yeah, maybe.

So... anything going on?

What's happening?

What could be happening?

Are you seeing anyone?

- Since last week? -Yeah.

Any promising dates? Anything you wanna...

-No. - ...take further?

I told you I don't want anything serious right now.

- Why not? - Okay. I have to say,

you're getting a little obsessed with the subject

and I'm, uh, asking myself what that is about.

No, nothing. I'm just-- I'm trying to grasp

- the concept here. - But what concept?

Being alone. This whole "I'm better off alone" thing.

It's not a concept. I'm just happy this way.

Okay. Not totally buying it.

Right, you used to always panic whenever I would talk

about being alone.

Yeah. You saw it as a sign that, um, I was in a bad way,

but reality is, I just...

It was something that I felt like I was missing.

You know, I'd never really even expected

that I'd ever get married.

Yeah, I remember.

Even with you.

I know.

That night when you proposed and...

- Mm-hmm. Talked. - ...all night...

- That's right. - ...about it.

Then the next morning, I went to go see my mom.

I don't actually-- I don't know if I told you much about this.

- I don't think so. - Um...

it was in, uh, Back Bay.

She was living nearby with Julian.

- Mm-hmm. - Her third husband.

I'm not sure if you even met him.

Yeah, I think I did. I think I did once.

Okay. Well, they split up soon after.

Anyway, she, um, she was like...

"Don't do it."

Don't do what?

Don't get married.

- She said that? - Yeah.

"Jonathan's a good guy.

Best guy you've ever been with."

- Obviously. - Mm-hmm.

"Probably the best guy you'll ever be with."

- Wow, Mom, okay.

"But you know you're not cut out for getting married.

You don't have that gene."

She said, "I don't have it, your father certainly

doesn't have it, so why would you have it?"

I mean, this is-- this is the woman

- that dragged you along on her trysts... - Yeah.

...when you were five years old, so I don't think

really the person to listen to, right?

Well, obviously, I didn't.

No, I was gonna prove her wrong, gonna prove it to myself.

So I, you know, spent my life

trying to prove that I was different.

And that I was gonna make it last.

It didn't last.

So maybe she was right.

She's right?

Yeah. Right about the gene?

The monogamy gene?

No, it's just maybe...

maybe it's not right for me.

So what, does it mean that you're doomed?

No.

Jonathan, I'm not doomed.

I wonder if it's hard for you to understand because...

you really can't be alone.

I mean, you never could.

You always needed like, I don't know, a...

witness to your life.

- Witness? -Yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah. Someone who's constantly,

you know, seeing you, and...

I mean, like, keeping a record.

Hmm. Okay.

No, did I hurt your feelings?

No, no, no. No, no, I didn't--

I didn't realize I was such a burden.

You're not. You weren't.

- It's not personal, you know. - Okay.

I really think most women feel this way about men.

Hmm.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't been single since I was 15 years old,

- you know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.

I realized...

it's kind of refreshing.

You okay?

- Something's off. - Yeah.

- It's just so weird. - Yeah.

It's so weird to be here again.

You okay?

Yeah. It's nothing serious.

Maybe it was a bad idea to come here?

No, I really am happy you brought me here.

- Yeah? - No, it was a really nice thought.

Yeah, maybe it's just the day.

- Uh-huh. - It's just so much.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe we should have, uh, yeah, postponed it, so.

- Let me get my, uh... - Sure.

Be right back.

- Fuck.

Hey, Jane.

-Jonathan. - Hi, baby.

Oh. You only speak to me when you're, like, really tired.

No, yeah, I'm still up. I'm still up.

I'm just talking quietly 'cause Mom fell asleep already.

-Oh.

- Yeah. -So sorry. Is she okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's fine. It's just...

you know, the whole thing at the ceremony

was really draining for her.

Oh, God. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know how it is. It's like the...

being at the cemetery, and then going to an empty house,

it was a lot for her.

Uh, yes, taking the30 train out of Valley Stream

than the Amtrak from Penn Station.

Okay.

- Yep. -So, um...

Is he up?

Okay, he's right there with you?

Yeah, he wants to say hi.

Okay. Yeah. Just, uh...

- Trying to connect here.

Okay.

Okay.

- Oh, hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Say Hi. - Hey, Ethan.

Oh, Bubba, why are you awake?

He was growing some teeth. Encouraging.

What's up now, where are you?

Uh, I'm in the bathroom.

-What? - I'm in the bathroom.

Okay.

Look, Ethan, can you show Daddy your new trick?

Can you-- What does a dog say?

Woof.

-Woof. - Woof. Woof?

-Yeah. - Oh, my gosh.

He just did that today?

He's just, like, wants to party?

He's like sleeping and eating because...

I mean, he's living the life. Um...

Oh, man.

It's tough, huh? Sorry.

I love you.

- Okay. I love you too. - Bye.

- Lila tov, bubbelah. - Lila tov.

Say "lila tov," bye.

- Okay, baby.

-Okay, I'm gonna try to... - Lila tov.

-Bye, coocoo. - Bye.

Bye. Bye, cooties.

-Bye. Love to your mom, okay? - Okay. Thanks, sweetie.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

- Wow! - I know, right?

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine this as Ava's room?

No way, we would have taken it for ourselves.

Look at this.

Is this what you imagined back then?

Well, yeah, not this big, but... yeah, something like that.

So this is what I missed out on, huh?

Well, you could have done it yourself.

Yes. True.

Cute.

Genius kid.

It is a little over the top, but I have to say

the effect is undeniable.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, sorry, it wasn't very serious.

Sorry, I disappeared on you.

Hmm, you got dressed.

You wanted to leave.

Yeah, just for a second, but it passed.

Who was that on the phone?

- Jane. - Mmm.

And Ethan.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. They just wanted to say goodnight.

Guilt.

I don't know.

I think I'm over my obsession with being a good person,

- you know? - Mm-hmm.

Constantly checking to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

I don't really have that need anymore, for...

moral superiority.

I'm no better than anybody else. It's okay.

Okay.

What?

Just not totally buying it.

- Touché.

I'm not saying I'm proud of it.

The affairs. But, you know...

Mm-hmm?

I just realized that there's things that...

I mean, I have needs that I'm not...

- willing to ignore anymore. -Mm-hmm.

And, you know, that's just how it is for me right now.

Just accepting that. That's okay.

"Affairs," plural?

Yeah, I had-- I had something six months ago.

It was meaningless.

Two somethings if you count one-night stands,

which I don't, so.

Well...

Maybe you have lost your moral superiority.

That doesn't sound very good when you say it.

It's like, what?

I'm the last person to judge.

I didn't want to marry her.

I'm not saying that as a justification for anything.

It's just the truth.

But we had a really good time together.

And, you know, sometimes it's easy to confuse

great sex with love.

Easy for you.

I don't think it's just me.

But she got pregnant.

And, um...

- I really wanted that kid. -Hmm.

And, you know, she wanted to get married.

And I just thought, why not?

What's the difference between living together

and getting married?

So I said yes.

Then Ethan was born.

And he's just... ugh.

That's really great.

The sex is not.

Well...

It's not happening at all.

But that, you know, since Ethan was born,

so, obviously.

But, um, you know, we're good. We're good.

It's like we have a common language.

It's like meeting somebody that speaks your language.

I realized that she's the first Jewish woman

that I've dated since college.

- Really? -Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't-- didn't imagine it would be so significant,

like, knowing the same songs and idioms, the holidays,

but it's nice. It's comfortable.

Don't you love her?

Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, in a certain way.

What if she finds out about us?

Um...

I don't know.

I guess I'm just-- I'm not really scared enough...

of splitting up.

In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll happen eventually.

So I don't really have any illusions about that.

I'll never love anybody the way that I loved you.

- It's a fact. - Hmm.

With you, breaking up was just never on the table.

Just never even occurred to me.

So it's just, it's different, entirely different kind of love.

I remember someone said it was like a piece of tape

that you rip off and try to reapply...

that'll stick again maybe,

but it's never going to be like the first time.

It's really sad, what you're saying.

I don't know. I don't think so.

I think it's okay to have different kinds of love.

That's okay.

- What?

What?

Just don't act like it's cool, you're never gonna love again.

It's not that s--

I didn't say that.

I mean I'm here with you, aren't I?

It's different with me. I mean,

- it's not the same, obviously. -Why?

Because we've been...

through the worst that could happen. I mean,

there's nothing to be afraid of anymore with me.

Yeah, okay, so maybe that's just--

that's exactly what works for me now.

- For us. - God, Jonathan.

What? What?

Can't you see we're both just so fucked up?

We've barely even started getting over what happened to us

- and-- - Yeah, well, it takes time.

Yeah, but it's been four years.

We just keep coming up with all these solutions and like...

Why does it take so long to break up?

And why does no one talk about the fact that

it's this fucking endless trauma?

Well, it...

It is second on the list of most stressful life events.

Before moving.

After death of a loved one.

So...

So we should have a Shiva of our own?

To mourn?

Yes.

We won't leave the house for seven days.

Everyone will come and console us.

Mm-hmm.

And we won't eat meat or drink wine.

- Mm-hmm. - Or shower.

I can work with that.

We won't cut our hair or shave.

Done.

No sex.

What? That's forbidden too?

Totally.

What is it? What's wrong?

Did you have a nightmare?

- What was it? - Oh, God...

We were driving.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

What?

We were, um...

We were driving to Lawrence to see my parents

and, um, Ava was with us.

We were on the highway.

There was an accident and there was terrible traffic

for miles and miles, and so I...

I said to you, "Let's go back home on foot."

But we had to cross to the other lane.

- And you and Ava crossed. -Mm-hmm.

But I didn't-- I couldn't-- you had to push the cars

- to get through them. -Mm-hmm.

Like, you had to physically push them away from each other.

But it-- but it turns out I didn't have any hands.

I just had like stumps, like, nothing from the elbows down.

So like, I-- it was impossible for me to reach you guys.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, come here.

It's cold.

Hmm.

You want some water?

-No. - No?

You know, I could make us some coffee.

Maybe it's time that we get up anyway.

No, don't go, don't go anywhere. Just stay. Just stay.

Okay.

Just stay.

Do you remember anything else?

I'm trying to remember.

You know, yesterday...

- My mom has this notebook... - Mm-hmm.

...where she wrote down a bunch of things

when I was little, like, you know,

anecdotes and medical stuff, and dreams.

That's really sweet.

Yeah, we were looking at it together yesterday.

And there was this one time that she wrote about

when I woke up in the middle of the night,

I was like three years old or something, and...

- Mm-hmm. - ...I came into the room

and I was just standing there in the middle of the room

and I said, "I can't sleep.

All my dreams are really boring."

And I said to her yesterday, I was like,

"You got it back then, right? You got-- you understood

that 'boring' actually meant scary, right?"

And she said, "What are you talking about?

No, you were so cute, no, you didn't look scared at all."

She just was incapable of...

She couldn't...

Sometimes, I feel...

like I'm not sure if I have the ability...

like if I've ever really...

truly loved anyone.

Or if I've ever really been loved.

Okay, now you're being dramatic.

- Am I? - Yes.

I love you.

And I always have, in my own...

deranged way.

And you love me in your own complicated way.

And you'll always love me.

"In the middle of the night,

without any fanfare,

in a dark house somewhere in the world."

What's that?

Mmm, it's from a movie.

Hmm.

-- Okay. Let's cut. -- All right, we cut.

Here you are, guys.