Original subtitles

["Summerlove sensation" by bay city rollers]

[Emma voiceover] The day had finally come,

we were going on our first family holiday.

Mum wanted to go to the south of France,

but dad for the first time in his life had got his own way

so instead we were going camping in wales.

I had to pack.

Teddy, one mug, slightly mouldy, lightsaber

and my slinky,

job done, and we weren't alone,

Tim had persuaded Jenny

that it would be fun to come with us

instead of going on honeymoon on their own.

♪ Leave your books and get out in the sun ♪

[Emma voiceover] But more importantly someone else

is coming, my grandmother.

What could possibly go wrong?

♪ And you can run in the sun having fun ♪

♪ with the one that you really love ♪

That's a great pack Tony, it's a great pack.

Well I've left a gap for your stuff there,

in the area marked k7.

Right.

It's all in the plan, you see,

at the bottom you want the stuff that will not yield.

Like camping stove, tent frame,

then you want your suitcases, then your canvas,

and then your bedding.

And that, Emma, is the geology of the holiday pack.

This is a family heirloom and one day it will be yours.

Nobody has suitcases in star wars.

I'm just saying, because when I live in the future,

I probably won't have to do all this.

Ohh, there you go,

that's the last one.

Another one.

Brenda, it would have been quicker for me

to strap the whole ruddy wardrobe to the roof.

Tony, I may have to look fabulous at a moment's notice.

Who knows, we might be invited to an al fresco mingle.

Will grandma come to the al fresco mingle?

Not if I can help it.

I bought top trumps.

Top trumps, I love those, which one is it?

Supercars.

I just think it's good to know what you're missing.

[Brenda and Emma laughing]

Hey!

Bessie.

Last chance alone Tim, still time for you to whisk Jenny

away to magaluf.

Man spending a week on his own with a pregnant woman

he can't have sex with.

Tony, I'm not sure that's even legal.

Here she comes, bride off on her honeymoon.

[Clapping]

Well, a person only goes on their honeymoon once.

[Laughing]

Unless you're Elizabeth Taylor, or Henry viii.

Look at that Brenda, one suitcase.

One.

Thank goodness for you Jenny,

any more weight and the suspension would have been done for.

You're not worried you've packed a bit lightly, Jenny?

To be completely honest, I've no idea what camping is

or what it involves.

Right, that's the pack finished, let's go.

[Smooth, rock music]

I thought you said you'd taken it to the garage.

It must be the starter motor, hang on.

I'll give it a thump.

We could always go in our car.

Whoa, no can do.

It's my honeymoon too, remember?

It's kick back time, I'm off the clock.

Tony's not our chauffeur, it is their holiday as well.

Hey, Emma?

Hmm mm.

In holiday top trumps, what comes out on top,

family holiday or honeymoon?

Honeymoon, basic.

Then that's the end of that debate,

I accept your apology, Jenny.

He's actually infuriating.

I know.

Hey, we should have a competition.

Whoever has the best holiday wins holiday top trumps.

Game on.

[Tony] Right, that should have fixed it.

[Engine purring]

[All cheering]

♪ Come on and run in the sun ♪

♪ having fun with the one that you really love ♪

I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with t.

Tits.

Every time.

Gotta be almost there, Tony.

I've lost all feeling in my lower limbs.

♪ Last night I heard my momma singing a song ♪

♪ ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep ♪

I think I've started to menopause since we left.

♪ Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep ♪

♪ chirpy chirpy cheep cheep ♪

♪ I really love the things that you do ♪

♪ ooh, you're my best friend ♪

So, you have to guess in what order

I'm saying mince savoury or mints sweet.

Round one, mince or mints?

That was sweet then savoury.

No, it was not.

Round two.

Mints or mince.

Savoury then sweet?

No, wrong again.

Wait, wait, i'm getting the hang of it.

Do it again now.

Mince or mints?

[Brenda and Emma] Sweet then savoury.

Wrong again.

♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪

♪ ooh you're my best friend ♪

Right, we're here.

Brenda, jump out and get mum,

I can't risk stopping.

What do you mean, you can't risk stopping?

Listen to her, Brenda, something's not right.

If I stop, she may not start again.

You'll have to jump out.

I can't jump out of a moving vehicle.

Who do you think I am?

The milk tray man.

Can't Tim do it?

Well, Tony's mother's never met me.

Never go anywhere with strangers,

isn't that right, Emma?

It is right, mum.

Jumping out of a moving vehicle, though,

that counts towards holiday top trumps,

double points if there's blood.

And all because the lady loves.

Oh for goodness sake.

Slow down.

Put your feet out first, before you jump.

Dangle Brenda, dangle!

[Brenda screaming]

["The boys are back in town" by thin lizzy]

We shall talk about this later, Tony.

You're in so much trouble.

Yeah, I know.

♪ Guess who just got back today ♪

Right, here they are, at your stations everyone.

I'll open the door.

Double quick, come on Brenda, chop chop, chop chop,

- chop chop. - Right then.

Oh, be careful.

Now get Mrs. K in.

Mum?

This is Tim, Tim, mum.

This is Jenny.

Hello.

Hello mum.

Hello love.

Oh, you've packed this car tighter

than a fridge at Christmas, I've got a cake made,

and there's tea in the pot.

What is this, a tank?

It's a Land Rover, mum.

Who buys a car that can't stop?

It's a temporary problem, okay?

So come on, get in, leg up, leg up!

- Come on. - Come on, leg up, Mrs. K,

leg up.

Ah, get your leg up.

Up, mum.

- Ah, I'm trying. - Leg up, Mrs. K.

- Ooh, I'm ouch. - Oh, come on.

[Mrs. Kennedy] Oh, Brenda!

Oh dear.

Just drive.

Okay, here we go.

[Upbeat rock music]

We're playing holiday top trumps, Mrs. K.

Everyone's going to see who has the best holiday, grandma.

I want peace and quiet.

That's my best holiday.

Where we going again now, Antony?

Solva, we're going camping mum, remember?

You know, in a tent, under canvass.

Oh, like dead bodies washed up after a shipwreck.

Hope not.

It's my honeymoon.

And mine.

Oh, is that right?

Brenda wouldn't let my Antony go on a honeymoon.

Feminist.

So you're not a feminist then, Jenny?

Well, I'm traditional, I suppose.

But Brenda says...

Never mind what Brenda says, ever.

It's so good to have you here.

You're a good girl, you enjoy your honeymoon

like a proper woman.

["Radio, radio" by Elvis costello]

[Emma voiceover] Six hours later

and we were still not there.

It was as if wales was a land beyond the moon

and we were going to spend the rest of our lives

in the car trying to get there.

It was like when Frodo went to mordor.

Oh, that's odd.

This is how horror films start.

They don't set horror films in wales,

we're not scared of murderous psychopaths.

Most of you are related to them.

It's probably not proper closed,

just you know, owner's off for lunch or something.

Jenny's quite right, clever girl.

Anyway, can we get out now?

I really need to go.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.

Right, just looking for a good spot.

Never mind good spot, park up, Antony,

'cause if this damn bursts, we'll be up to our knees in it.

Right you are.

♪ You better listen to the radio ♪

[Tony] Here we are, we are officially on holiday.

[All cheering]

First family holiday ever, hooray!

[All cheering]

And I'm on my honeymoon, yay, now

[jabbering excitedly]

Woo!

All right, out you hop, em,

go and stretch your legs and we'll get the tent out.

I haven't moved my legs in seven hours.

Ow!

How many tents have you brought, two, three?

[Tony] One.

Gonna be a tight fit with all of us in there,

isn't it?

All of us?

Did you not pack a tent, Tim?

For you and Jenny on your honeymoon?

I'm trying to work out how I'm gonna get myself

out of this.

No, I can't do it.

Tony, it's my honeymoon.

Please, can I blame you?

Please, please?

Yes, all right, you can blame me

but tomorrow you and I are gonna...

Tony's only gone and forgotten a ruddy tent

for me and Jenny.

Can you believe it?

- Oh, Tony. - You're joking.

What an idiot!

Right then, let's get this tent set up.

[Tim] Oh, slipped, I just slipped, come on.

We're actually going to sleep in that?

Yes, Jenny.

This is what camping is.

Living in a field as nature intended.

But it will be fun, right?

'Cause it is my honeymoon.

Yes, yes, great fun!

We couldn't have asked for a lovelier view.

Dead sheep.

Terrible omen that is.

I once knew a woman who swore blind

that every time she saw a dead sheep, someone died.

Oh I do hope that's not true.

That would be awful.

Oh well, the fresh air is lovely,

I will say that.

Oh, feel better do you, Jenny?

Oh yes, thank you, quite the relief I can tell you.

[Laughing]

Oh, I always think it's better doing it outside.

Oh did I tell you, Brenda,

that Megan Jones has got an inside toilet?

Oh.

Terrible trouble she had putting it in.

The fella fixing it was deaf

and couldn't hear a word she said.

Well she was desperate to go,

shoved him out of the way, sat down,

and had a poo the size of a child's forearm.

Then she flushed the toilet,

but the pipe wasn't connected.

Out shot the poo like a weasel,

fell through a hole in the floorboards

and landed on the kitchen floor below

where the man was having a cup of tea.

It's nice to be outside.

I haven't had a holiday since 1947.

Well, you know, what with my recent bereavement.

Oh, I'm so sorry, when did your husband die,

Mrs. K.?

15 years ago.

Time works differently in wales, Jenny.

Hey, come on, everyone inside.

[Thunder rumbling]

Well hopefully it won't last long.

Summer shower and all that.

Oh, that's set in, that is.

Be like this for days.

It's the relentless optimism I love.

Ta da!

There you go.

What more could we possibly need?

What's that for?

Toilet.

Oh, brilliant.

Hear that Jenny, Tony's pretending that's a toilet!

[Laughing]

Imagine, us squatting over a bucket every time we.

[Women laughing]

That's not the actual toilet.

There's a bathroom through there, isn't there?

No, that's the inner tent.

That's where we sleep.

Is that the actual toilet, Tony?

Yes.

Welly ju ju.

It's my honeymoon.

And mine.

Let's not panic.

Is there a windbreak to put round it, Tony

at the very least?

It's all right.

Just put it in the inner tent.

Oh.

It's very private.

See?

All in it together.

Come on, let's get the fun started.

You got any soft drinks?

I'm seven months pregnant.

Well, Tim said...

For Pete's sake, man, nothing for the little lady,

it's like you thought of nobody but yourself.

Jenny, come on, sit down.

Mrs. K, please put your feet up.

Oh, thanks dear.

Appreciate it, Tim.

Thank you Tim, it's very thoughtful of you.

Well you know, it's the least I can do.

Maybe ah, maybe I'll have one.

[Slow, sombre music]

Well this isn't so bad, is it?

Once the weather's passed, we'll have a great time.

How cold do you have to be to get hypothermia?

Just asking.

Here you go, Jenny.

You can have my coat.

[Liquid splashing]

[Mrs. Kennedy farting]

Oh, I haven't been that excited

since I met Mark's boys.

I need to go to the toilet.

Every time I have a wee I think about your cousin Edward.

Used to work in the doctor's surgery

and the doctor give him a urine sample

and told him to test it for diabetes.

Well he drank it, he thought he said taste it.

[All laughing]

Are all your stories like that, Mrs. K?

[Brenda] Yes, they are.

They're sort of biblical.

Couldn't go, got performance anxiety.

There you go, Tony.

Right.

I'll try and muster something later

when I'm feeling more relaxed.

You've got diabetes, haven't you grandma?

I have.

My pee smells of rice krispies, I'll not apologise.

I'd quite like it if my pee

smelled like a breakfast cereal.

Weetabix.

Get it, wee-tabix.

Come on.

[Tony] Yeah, that's a great joke, Tim.

Stupid man jokes.

Man jokes are the backbone of modern society, Jenny.

Political and economical systems will crumble

without them.

Right, that's me done.

There you go, em.

No looking.

We're not gonna look.

I'd never peed in a bucket before,

but it was sort of the same shape as a toilet

so I could just sit on it, right?

Oh no!

[Brenda] Everything okay in there, Emma?

No, oh.

- Mom! - Emma?

Coming.

[Emma] I'm stuck!

No, no, no, no.

Oh, em, no!

Don't panic, urine is an antiseptic.

Actually I think that's just your own.

[Emma whimpering]

Mom, I'm covered.

This is the absolute bottom of holiday top trumps.

Don't touch me.

Oh no, someone needs to think what to do.

Well we need to clean her down.

She could go out into the rain.

Brilliant idea.

Yes, you need to take these top things off

and ah, run around and scrub yourself as much as you can.

[All screaming]

It's still warm.

Oh, good girl, focus on the positives.

It's not positive, dad.

Run!

[Tony] Come on em, that's it, run,

pretend it's sports day,

only you're covered in wee.

[Tony] That's it, scrub yourself off, good girl.

That's it.

[Tony] Right, keep going, keep going.

There's pee over there.

And over there, oh, it's very very bad.

- That's it. - Right come on.

- That's it, very good. - Well done.

- That's it, come on. - Keep scrubbing,

keep scrubbing.

- Oh, well done em, well done. - Come on, good girl.

Well done.

It's freezing!

Oh, I'll get you nice and warm.

Well, it could have been worse,

I could have had a shit.

[Emma whimpering]

- [Wind howling] - [Lightning crackling]

"Let's go on holiday", you said.

Yes, I said.

"What sort of holiday would you like?" You said.

Oh, you know, one where I can sit in the freezing cold

eating pickled eggs, I said.

Well if I could get the stove working

I'd make us all a cup of tea, wouldn't I?

You can't light a stove in this.

This rain would extinguish the fires of hell.

Wind's picking up.

You sure we're safe.

You don't think we're the only ones here

because everyone else knows something we don't,

do you?

Look, we're all gonna be fine,

it's gonna pass over in an hour.

This hasn't got the feel of a storm,

there's something malevolent about it.

Foul.

It'll be fine, it's just a passing bluster.

No, Brenda, Mrs. K's right, I feel it too.

I don't feel safe, Tim.

Do something.

Oh.

[Speaking in a foreign language]

Doesn't seem to have worked.

[All gasping and screaming]

The canvas tent is coming down!

Tim, grab that pole over there!

Get it!

This tent's a death trap, Tony.

What about those caravans over there?

Can't you break into one, dad?

Break into a caravan?

I can't do that, Emma.

You can if it's for life and death, Tony.

[All screaming]

Come on, Tim!

[Tim yelling]

The wind goes up under that one,

I could, I could try and shove Emma through it, I suppose.

Like in Oliver.

Yeah.

We wouldn't be breaking in and stealing shiny trinkets,

you know, we'd just be borrowing.

That'd be all right, wouldn't it?

Yes, yes it would.

Or is it burglary?

Oh blow that, i'm eating pickled eggs

in a pool of piss, now let's get the hell out of here.

[Tony] Right, come on.

Be safe!

Go!

I love you!

[Upbeat rock music]

[Brenda screaming]

Right, here we are.

That's it, there you go.

Come on.

[Both screaming]

Dang it, we're in.

Yes, yes!

Right, come on!

Okay, go!

Go, go!

Go, just get out of here!

I can't hold it much longer.

[All screaming]

[Tony] Jenny, hand me the beers.

[Jenny] Oh forget the beers!

[Brenda] Tony!

Oh, Brenda!

Help me!

[Brenda screaming]

Tony!

Hang on, get me up!

Come on!

Tony, help me!

Brenda!

Oh, thank goodness you saved the beers, Tim.

Anyone would think they're the most important part

of your honeymoon.

They are, Jenny.

It's very important to stay hydrated

in survival situations.

I could kill you now,

that would take that, wouldn't it?

Come on, Brenda.

[Brenda whimpering]

Stand yourself up.

Stay up!

Come on.

Where's Tony?

Brenda?

I'm not sure Brenda's gonna make it.

Hope Springs eternal.

Or not.

Brenda, looks like you've been dragged out

from the bottom of a lake.

Well, this is better, isn't it?

[Wind howling]

[All screaming]

It's your father, Tony, he wants to finish me off.

The latch is broken,

we'll have to bang it in with something.

Yes, good job, Tim.

Yes.

What's happening now, what's happening?

Right Tim, get it back in.

Oh, hurry up.

[Mrs. Kennedy] Do something, will you Antony?

Abandon ship.

Everybody out.

[Brenda] Come on, jump.

[Slow, sombre orchestral music]

Everybody out!

Jenny!

I love you too, Tim.

No, grab the beers, I forgot them.

[Jenny screaming]

[Tim screaming]

[Jenny] Tim, help me!

- Jump, Mrs. K. - Come on, jump.

[Tim] Come on, Mrs. K.

[Metal crunching]

That's the last thing I jump out of today.

[Peaceful instrumental music]

[Emma voiceover] With the caravan and the tent both dead,

we were back in bessie, who was also dead.

This meant we'd been trapped inside her

for 18 hours.

Hello, Mr. Kennedy.

I hear you've had a bit of bother.

Thank god you're here.

Yeah, we're saved everyone.

We're saved.

I think it's the starter motor.

I don't suppose you've got any oxygen on your truck,

do you?

Ah, no, why?

My mother-in-law has eaten several large jars

of pickled eggs in a little under 12 hours.

I think it's about to weigh a lung.

Have we got anything to make a cup of tea?

Um, ah, got some pickled egg water,

and um, the bucket.

[Mrs. Kennedy farting]

Oh, sounds like a seal choking.

What was that?

Right, so,

oh, blimey!

The aa man is gonna tow us to a garage

and he says there's a cafe nearby.

We can get changed there.

Oh god.

What so, so that's the end of the holiday?

And my honeymoon.

And mine.

And nobody's won top trumps.

Well I just assumed, you know,

well I can put the tent up again if you like?

- Oh. - No, no, no.

That's the shittest day out I've ever had.

I'm sorry mum,

it'll be better next time.

Next time I'll bring my own cyanide capsules.

Antony, I am never coming away on holiday with you again.

Never.

[Emma voiceover] So there it was,

our first family holiday.

We'd almost been killed and we had to go home the next day.

But like mum said, it was always important

to look on the bright side.

At least no holiday could ever be as bad again.

Come on.

Defeat is not an option.

We've got a family holiday to go on.

And you two must have a honeymoon.

Oh, we are done for, Brenda.

We nearly died.

Not going anywhere that involves a bucket.

Don't worry, that's the last time

Tony gets to make a decision.

I'm back in charge,

and I have had a brilliant idea!

We're doomed.

♪ She ain't got no money ♪

♪ her clothes are kinda funny ♪

♪ her hair is kinda wild and free ♪

♪ oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes ♪

♪ and nobody knows like me ♪

♪ she talks kinda lazy ♪

♪ and people say she she's crazy ♪

♪ and her life's a mystery ♪

♪ oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes ♪

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