Original subtitles

♪ I can dim the lights and sing ♪

[Emma narrating] It was a Wednesday

and mum was beside herself.

There were new faces in jessop square.

Apart from that, everything was pretty normal.

I was enjoying my Wednesday liquorice pipe.

Marbles were on.

Julie was giving someone the classic monkey scrub.

But something enormous was about to happen.

(Queen sings "good old-fashioned lover boy"

something terrible and disastrous

that would cause a disturbance in the force

so intense that not even obi wan Kenobi could fix it.

♪ That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy ♪

They're wearing highly knitted jumpers, Jenny.

Here, have a look.

Complex weaves.

Patterns are way beyond anything I've ever seen before.

It's the sort of knit I could only ever dream of, Brenda.

Imagine being so effortlessly modern.

Continental.

Oh, hello.

I see you have moved in.

Trella.

La la la la.

Hello.

Do you like finger buns?

We need to tread carefully.

I'm not sure scandinavians like finger buns.

It's different cultures and all that.

You're right, Jenny.

Friendships are based on similarities

and shared experiences.

We're gonna have to find some

if we want to be friends with them.

It's like you and me.

We love knitting.

I don't like that.

Oh.

We both love being feminists.

No, I don't.

I mean, I know I sort of have to but shoes, Brenda.

I like cheese and onion crisps.

I like cheese and onion crisps, see!

This is why we're friends.

Oh, actual scandinavians in jessop square, Jenny.

Did you ever think you'd see the day?

No.

It's like when it's a knock, I went to Belgium.

What are they doing now?

One of them is rubbing her...

Wait.

That must be her Swedish massage thing.

Swedish massage, Jenny?

It's like we're living on the moon.

Jenny gave me this.

Do you think it's a hint?

Of course it is.

Five months and counting, then that's it.

You're a dad for the rest of your life.

Some women find it hard to cope with a new baby

so feel free to lend a hand, right.

So it's not compulsory.

It's fine.

It's just feeding, bathing, putting to bed.

There's nothing difficult.

But it's not compulsory.

It's the new thing, Tim.

Hands on dad skills.

The days of sitting back and doing nothing are over.

Trust me.

You need to prepare yourself.

Last time someone told me to prepare myself

it was a doctor with a grease finger in the...

Hey, what about now?

No.

Thump it.

There you go.

Ruddy hate TV.

It's always going on the blink.

I don't know why we need three channels anyway.

Jenny's asked me to make a cot from scratch, Tony.

I don't even own a spanner.

You can manage it.

Four posts, planks across the base, that's it.

It's easy.

Right, I was thinking more along the lines of you doing it

for me.

No, Tim, no.

I'm not doing this stuff for you.

Beer first, cot later?

Cot first, then beer.

Dad skills level one, you'll be glad you've done it.

It's like I've joined the marines.

[Crying loudly]

Dad.

Donny osmond has got married.

My life is over.

No, his life is over.

Would it help if I told you we were gonna go to Alderaan

on the millennium falcon?

Are we gonna go to war to ride the millennium falcon?

Are we?

No, no.

[Cries loudly]

Never try and cheer up a woman, Tony.

It's like trying to calm a fury seltzer.

Tim, this is a perfect chance for you to try out

some of your dad skills.

Go on, say something nice to her.

Hey!

I like you.

More than I like beer.

Is that true?

No, no it isn't.

[Cries loudly]

Come here, come on.

Happy day, come on.

All right.

He wasn't good enough for you anyway, was he?

Guess what, guess what, guess what.

Actual scandinavians have moved into jessop square.

Actual scandinavians.

I heard they know abba.

Is that true Jenny, or have you just made it up?

I just made it up.

See we're giddy with it.

Oh, no, what's the matter with you?

Donny osmond just got married.

Oh, no, no, no, he's got far too many teeth.

It'd be like kissing a cliff.

Come on.

Dry your eyes.

Actual scandinavians in jessop square.

What sort of scandinavians, because I know a man

who has a Swedish au pair and she does the washing up

in her nightie.

Pardon?

She doesn't even charge extra.

Stop!

Tim, just stop.

Have you made that cot yet?

No.

You're gonna borrow some tools off me, aren't you, Tim?

Well, hang on, let's not get over excited.

He is, he is.

It's dad skills, level one.

[Sniffles]

Here, have that.

Dry your eyes or something.

Can I have a beer now?

No.

Holy moly.

[Emma narrating] When it came to making friends,

mum was like a ferret clamped down on a rabbit.

First rule of making new friends, overwhelm them

with unnecessary gifts.

Works every time.

[Emma narrating] Failure was not an option

and there was no escape.

First impressions are so so important.

[Brenda squeals]

Oh, you're collecting for charity.

I've got some stuff I was going to throw away.

Come in, come oi.

Oh, no, no, we're not...

Just stay here and I'll go and get something for you.

You're collecting for charity.

No, no, we're your neighbours.

We thought we'd come round, say hello.

Bring some gifts.

Trelala.

You know, it's a welcome to britain box.

Gifts, really?

Goodness.

That's the second box of presents we've had today.

Mr. and Mrs. Palmer came around earlier with cakes.

Do you know them?

The Palmers, yes.

So, they've been here before us.

Yes, just about an hour ago.

Oh, they're so lovely.

So clever and funny.

[All laugh]

Oh, we love them.

Please.

Yes.

Oh, what is this?

It's a sweet, a stick of rock.

Stick of rock?

Farrah fawcett shampoo?

I know she's not technically British,

but hair that good, it transcends borders.

Just some tokens.

We weren't really sure what people

from scandinavia would like.

Who knows what worlds you've travelled to.

You know.

Like doctor who.

I hate to disappoint you, but we're not time lords.

[Brenda and Jenny laugh]

Goodness.

There's more.

Now, what is this?

It's a string picture of Angela ribbon.

Angela ribbon.

She's like the queen.

But in a way, more important.

Oh, I get it now.

Some children put all this together.

So, where are you from?

I'm from Denmark.

You know, vikings.

[Growls]

- Denmark! - Denmark!

Yes.

- Denmark. - Denmark.

When I was five, I was given some lego,

and I was told that came from Denmark.

I thought that Denmark was the name of the shop,

you know like budgens.

Well.

Bacon!

That's a thing, from Denmark.

That's it, we don't know anything else about Denmark.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

A pair of old slippers.

Oh, no, no, no.

They're not collecting for charity.

It's of box of gifts, look.

Stick of rock and shampoo and they live here.

This is Marie and I'm lottie.

- Hello. - Hello.

[All laugh uncomfortably]

Welcome.

They've been trying to think of things

to say about Denmark.

Moomins.

No.

- That's Finland. - That's Finland.

Tell you what, why don't you come over tomorrow night?

You can learn more about Denmark

and we could have a cultural exchange.

That'll be fun.

Cultural exchange!

Brilliant idea.

Oh, is that okay with you, darling?

Yes, of course.

Great.

You're a couple.

Yes, yes we are, yeah.

So so super.

So you're a couple as well?

Yes, yes we are.

Amazing.

Another lesbian couple on an estate in stevenage,

what are the chances?

Really really slim.

For the cultural exchange, we could bring our friends

Tony and Tim, because they live here too.

You'll really like them.

Are they gay as well?

Yes!

- What? - Yes, they are.

What is this?

A gay paradise?

I can barely believe it.

Neither can I.

Jenny, what have you done?

It just happened.

I thought it would make them like us more than the Palmers.

Oh gosh yes.

They must like us more than the Palmers.

If we're gay, then we'll be their favourites.

You're a genius, Jenny.

So that's that, Brenda.

From now on, you're my girlfriend.

Hang on.

We haven't even got a cat!

Right.

Wood, there.

Tools over there.

Everything you need.

I'll leave you to it.

What do you mean leave me to it?

You're gonna make a cot, Tim.

I'll be back in an hour.

An hour?

Hang on, Tony, I thought you were my friend.

What, you're leaving me here?

It's a garage, Tim, it's not the normandy beaches.

And I'll be back in one hour.

What?

Blimey.

It's a lot of wood.

Now let's think.

What's really British?

We could turn off all the lights in the house,

pretend we're having a power cut.

I'm not feeling the fun, Jenny.

What about a strike?

And a picket line.

I've got an old dust bin, we could set fire to it.

We can't stand around a burning dust bin

in their living room.

Besides, I don't have a cloth cap, or a northern accent.

What about a picture of the queen made from roast beef?

If a string Angela ribbon didn't blow their socks off,

a beef queen is getting us nowhere.

No, we need to think up something glorious.

Something cultural.

Something with a wow factor.

I could do my impression of frank Spencer.

Oh, Betsy, I've done a whoopsie on the carpet, hmm.

Jenny, that's dreadful.

We need something greater.

A nation expects.

I've got something.

I just need to get hold of a costume.

Oh, we should all have costumes.

Yes.

[Both laugh]

Our cultural exchange is gonna be brilliant.

Oh, we're gonna be friends with Danish people.

It's such a sharp thrill.

Banksy, I have lottie.

Hang on, I saw her first.

All right.

How you getting on?

I've only gone and done it.

I made a cot, Tony.

I feel magnificent.

Hmm.

Is that safe for a baby?

Yeah, it'll be all right if it sleeps at that end.

Have you tested it?

See if it'll bear weight?

No.

Okay, then.

Try that.

Pretend that's your baby.

Look, I made the cot.

That was the deal.

Can I have a beer now, please?

Dad skills level one, Tim.

I'll tell you what, let's try something easy.

Cheer up Emma, how's that?

Hey, Emma, come here a minute!

Do you like bonfires?

It's like the sun has gone in forever.

I thought you said you liked bonfires.

I feel dark inside.

You took a child to some wasteland, set fire to a baby,

and then told her that her childhood was over.

What is the matter with you?

I never said over.

He did.

You're such a snitch.

Did it cheer you up, Emma?

Of course it didn't.

Can't I just give her some money?

No, you can't.

Being a dad is a complicated, almost mystical business.

But at its very core, it's simply about

making things all right.

Money will never do that, Tim.

It's fine.

I can take the money.

[Tim] Great.

Yes.

Cheered up yet?

No.

Why you...

Now then, the good news is

we're going for a cultural exchange

with the the Danish scandinavians.

Danish.

They're the ones with the big dogs, aren't they?

Great Danes.

I thank you.

And Hamlet.

He was a great Dane.

Amazing jokes, Tony, top notch.

And they're not just Danish.

No, they're not.

Guess what else they are.

- Goat herders. - Spies.

Sexy ones that strangle people with their thighs.

No.

They're lesbians.

Actual Danish lesbians.

Danish lesbians.

What's a Danish lesbian?

Well, um...

It's a woman that loves another woman,

and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

At all.

But the problem is, Jenny has accidentally told them

that we are lesbians as well.

Hello.

And that you two are a homosexual gentlemen couple.

- What? - What?

That you two are gay.

You're gay.

Sorry, what?

We're gay?

Yes, gay.

No one's going to believe that.

We're as straight as plates.

Well, for the purposes of the cultural exchange,

we are all gay.

Jenny, what were you thinking?

I didn't think it through, all right?

I didn't think it through.

Happy now?

Am I a gay as well?

Not yet.

But you can come too.

It might cheer you up.

But I don't want to be gay.

Well you're going to have to be gay.

We don't want to let Jenny down.

Please.

[Emma narrating] Dressing up was for special occasions.

Going to the theatre, eating a curry, and now this,

impressing foreigners.

I never thought we'd get a chance to put you in that.

Honestly, em, my chest is fair bursting.

Look at you.

Your grandmother would be proud.

Now, try it again.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlll

[both laugh]

That's gonna knock their socks off, innit?

How are you feeling?

Full of feelings, like you were when r2-d2 was left behind

with the jawas.

I had a wet neck, em.

I don't care who knows it.

Who needs Donnie osmond there,

when you're decked out in proper Welsh clobber?

It smells funny.

Like an old pond.

As god intended.

Come on, we'll pull through together.

This cultural exchange is going to be mortifying.

Less of that, thank you, Tony.

It's our time to shine.

Now then, Emma, I want the foreigners to like us,

so we're going to have to act a bit weirdly.

Don't worry, I'm used to it.

And to explain you, i'm going to say you're my niece

from wales.

This is nuts, Brenda.

We'll be fine.

[Rock music]

Amazing!

Jenny, you've come as a Morris man.

And Tim, you've come.

I'm killing two birds with one stone.

Cultural exchange and, well, one of us has to be the man.

Oh.

Hello, Tony.

Cool, you look lovely.

No, not on the lips.

Hey, Emma.

Nice hat.

You cheered up yet?

Not really.

Have you made your cot yet?

Shush you.

Stick to the plan and we'll be fine.

For Harry, St. George, and jessop square,

let's do this.

[Hard rock music]

Brenda, you know you asked us to think up

some British customs to share?

For the cultural exchange, yes.

Well, there was this man I knew.

He used to be in the Navy, and he could knock a snooker ball

- into pocket with his own... - Tim.

Is this going where I think it's going?

Yes, in the pocket off the pink.

Stay quiet, and offer to do the washing up at the end

or something.

Washing up.

Right, let's do this.

[Door knocks]

We can totally pull this off.

They know nothing about us.

♪ God rest ye merry Danish men ♪

♪ that nothing ye dismay ♪

♪ remember that you're ♪

[all mumbling]

No, no, no, abandon, abandon.

It doesn't work.

It's not Christmas, and you're not a man.

It's just a bit of fun for the cultural exchange.

Well, for Christmas in Denmark,

we like to put cats in barrels and roll them down hills.

What?

Not real ones.

Oh.

[Laugh uncomfortably]

Welcome, come in.

It went through him quicker than a marble down a pipe.

[Laugh]

Oh, hello, hello!

How lovely to have everyone together.

Oh, hello.

- Hello, hello. - Hello.

We can't pretend to be gay in front of the Palmers,

- Brenda. - Shh, push on through.

Culture, culture.

Let's get the cultural exchange started.

Dee, why don't you show Brenda your Nigerian welcome.

It's where we tell you everything we know about you.

It's tradition.

[Banging on bongo]

Brenda, [speaking foreign language]

You are an excitable woman.

You like to stare at people through your bedroom window.

You are possibly on tablets.

You are married to Tony and...

♪ God save our gracious queen ♪

♪ long live our noble queen ♪

♪ long live our queen ♪

♪ send her victorious ♪

♪ happy and glorious ♪

♪ long to reign over us ♪

♪ god save the queen ♪

that is our national anthem.

Quite kicky, isn't it?

Woo, the queen.

Our national anthem has got billions of verses

and it takes two days to finish.

[Singing Danish national anthem]

Honestly, we'd all have grey hair before it ends.

If we were trees, we'd grow another ring.

[All laugh]

What I'm saying is, it's long.

So, Tim and Tony, Jenny told us all about you.

Oh, no, I bet she did.

I love what you've done with the room.

Don't you, Tony?

Yes, it's lovely, yeah.

With the skirting boards, and that.

I like your helmet.

Thanks.

I'd be saying something nice back about what you're wearing

but Danish people are very rude.

Oh, who are you?

I'm Emma, the niece from wales.

They made me come, to cheer me up.

So they thought dressing you like that

would cheer you up?

No, that's Welsh national costume.

That's very traditional.

It stinks.

Who made you come?

She did.

Ah, so you are her aunt.

No, no, she's mine.

Em, pretended to be a niece.

Active imagination.

So she's your child?

How?

Oh, you don't know.

Because you are lesbians.

Well, Tony...

Do you think I could have a drink, please?

I'm really [clearing throat] thirsty, actually,

quite parched.

The costume's quite warm.

I'm thirsty as well, actually.

Oh, well, we have a traditional drink for you.

See, the Danish like to start an evening with some snaps.

You take it and down in one.

That's the Danish way.

Thank you very much.

[Growls]

[Blows horn]

And now, we burn down your houses

and sleep with all your women.

And I'm not even joking.

Don't touch us, [mumbles]

[Laugh]

Oh, no thank you, I'm pregnant.

[Coughs]

I'm fat.

And now, Emma will say the name of a Welsh train station.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlll

yes, stunning.

[Claps]

Can you think of a train station with a long name,

David?

Welwyn garden city.

Doesn't count.

Not even one word.

And now we have an English Morris dance.

[Accordion music]

Morris dancing, a tradition

that goes back millions of years.

Huge, you see, huge, huge.

So is that it?

It's just sticks and skipping.

No, there's more to it than that.

As routines go, it's quite challenging.

And the hopping and the bopping.

It's very technical.

[Speaking foreign language]

Yep.

[Disco music]

All right everybody, let's eat.

So this is [speaks Danish].

Say what?

[Speaks Danish]

[Others attempt to pronounce word]

And over there you have [speaks Danish]

Lots of snacks.

That's the Danish way.

I love new approaches.

But the food, terrifies me.

When I met Dee, we were at a technical conference

in Tanzania.

We're both scientists.

And I had to eat a yam soaked in yak's milk.

It was like journeying into the darkest recesses of my soul.

He didn't like it.

I feel like that about blancmange.

Mm.

You're both scientists?

So impressive.

I teach English.

Actual English, and Jenny can type.

120 words a minute with my eyes closed.

130 if I don't have to use q.

Well, he farted the first line of land of hope and glory

once.

That's really British.

And the desk counts.

How lovely that you have the same job.

It helps if you have similar interests, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

Yes, we have similar interests.

Really, like what?

- Cheese and onion crisps. - Cheese and onion crisps.

Why are you two behaving like...

Look at those extraordinary snacks, Jenny.

Look, they're like sort of not-done sandwiches.

No, no, no, no, no, these are Danish sandwiches.

They don't have bread on top.

A sandwich with no top.

Amazing.

And what are these?

This is [speaks Danish]

Pickled herring.

Here, have one, David?

Yes.

Eat it.

[Coughs]

[Gags]

Lovely.

Thank you.

Here, have another.

Here, look.

If you hold it this end, shove everything down that end,

fold it over.

Hey, presto, it's a workable sandwich.

Careful, Tim, that's dad skills, eh.

Dad skills?

Em, are you cheered up yet?

- Way off. - Come on.

Dad skills.

You'll be needing those when Jenny has your baby, Tim.

No more snaps for Dee.

My baby.

As if.

Wait, Jenny's baby is Tony's?

You're a homosexual sperm donator for lesbians.

Is that your job?

You wish, mate.

Sperm donator?

No, no, I'm an art teacher.

Those are very different things in this country.

Very different.

No, no, no, no, you have misunderstood.

They're not lesbians or homosexuals.

Brenda is married to Tony

and Jenny's getting married to Tim.

Such a snitch.

But why would you tell us you were gay?

Now, I can explain.

By which I mean, Jenny will explain.

We're not gay, not even a bit.

These shoes are actually making me want to cry.

Is this a cultural thing?

Dreadful British humour.

We just wanted to be friends with you.

So you pretended to be gay?

[Squeaks]

What's the matter with you people?

They can't help it, they're English.

Welsh.

Maybe I could lighten the mood.

If I did the washing up.

♪ My head is in a spin ♪

♪ my feet don't touch the ground ♪

you do do the washing up in the Nancy way?

That's Sweden.

Oh dear.

[Emma narrating] And with that, things were almost

back to normal.

I know I mucked things up.

But let's be honest, they were a bit weird.

I mean, who doesn't put a top on sandwich?

Yeah, and that pickled herring has really stayed with me.

Bumped into David earlier.

It's already left him.

Missed a bit, Tony.

Did you really make that?

I did, yeah.

Of course he didn't.

Shush, you.

Right, there you go.

One cot.

Give it a go.

It looks like you, Tim.

Emma.

Everything's going to be all right.

Look.

I love him so much it's given me indigestion.

[Burps]

John Travolta.

He's not married is he?

John Travolta, eh.

Let's have a look.

Hope has returned to jessop square.

Yeah, you're better off loving this one.

He'll never get married.

Cheered up, now?

Yeah, I think I am.

That's dad skills done.

Beer.

Cheers.

♪ There's something about her hand holding mine ♪

♪ it's a feeling that's fine ♪

♪ and I just gotta say, hey ♪

♪ you really got a magical spell ♪

♪ and it's working so well ♪

♪ that I can't get away ♪

♪ I'm a lucky fella ♪

♪ and I just gotta tell her ♪

♪ that I love her endlessly ♪

♪ because love grows ♪

♪ where my Rosemary goes ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0