Original subtitles

[Pop music]

[Emma voiceover] It was the most romantic day of the year

and almost everyone on jesup square

was opening their Valentine cards.

Dad wasn't though.

He never got one.

Something to do with modern 1970's women

keeping modern 1970's men on their toes.

Modern men still have to send modern women a card though.

Dad said it was because modern women

liked to wear modern men's guts for garters.

Lives would not be worth living if they forgot.

♪ And it's there when I'm looking around ♪

♪ love is in the air ♪

♪ in the whisper of the trees ♪

♪ love is in the air ♪

I'd sent one to Luke Skywalker on Tatooine,

but dad said I probably shouldn't expect one in return.

All the same it felt like it was going to be

a very special day.

Hey.

- This came for you. - For me?

A Valentine card, my first ever, dad, withering chips.

It's got a rabbit kissing another rabbit.

It's like he knows me.

Right.

But it's not signed, who's it from?

Well, you're not supposed to know, are you?

Creates an air of mystery.

I got one too.

72 kisses from your father.

How did you know it was from him?

"From me, Tony Kennedy, your husband and nobody else."

He's glued in a picture in case I'm not sure who that is.

It's not very mysterious.

Yes, but I have other areas of mystery, Emma.

[Both] No you haven't.

I just have to find out who mine's from.

Yes, you do that and then I'll kill him.

That's how being a dad works.

- Anyway, tea? - Yes please.

Brenda, have you still not opened this lot?

There's a tariff on not opening proper post.

I know.

Look, come on, it might be important.

Never is.

Oh,

oh it is, it's my driving test notification.

Driving test notification?

Yes, it's on Thursday.

Thursday, this Thursday?

Yes.

Brenda, that's in two days, you can't drive.

I know, that's why I've applied.

No, Brenda, that's not how it works.

First you learn to drive, then you take your test.

Well, I can learn to drive today, can't I?

I've got nothing on.

Brenda, it takes months to learn, months.

I know roads Tony, I know them,

they can't be that difficult.

Men can drive, well, now it's our turn.

- Emma. - Mom.

No no no no, this is a disastrous idea, Brenda.

There's no way i'm letting you drive.

Oh, what's that you've dropped, a gauntlet?

Challenge is on, Tony.

I am a woman and I shall drive.

Those are the keys to the house.

Good that, isn't it?

Handy.

Yes, it is handy, Brenda.

It's handy to be able to see vehicles behind you, yes it is.

I can't see any vehicles behind me, I can just see Emma.

Why you wearing that hat?

It's my detective hat,

I'm finding out who sent me this Valentine card.

Of course it is, come on, get in.

Brenda, last chance saloon here.

There is no need, ever, for you to drive.

I think you'll find there's every need, Tony.

But why?

So I can tootle about town in a clown car.

Why do you think?

So what do I do first, wiggle this?

No.

You don't wiggle that.

Start the engine.

- [Engine starts] - Woo!

All right, it's on.

Ok, now, mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

Thank you.

Mirror, signal,

manoeuvre.

Thank you.

[Shrieks]

[Giggles]

Brenda, when the car is going backwards

when it's supposed to be going forward,

that is not funny.

It's not funny!

Let's try again.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

[Gears cranking]

It's first.

It's first!

Up up or up down?

Up, up, up, up.

Look out, you're going to hit her!

- Brake! - [Jenny screams]

You're doing really well, ma.

- Thank you. - For the love of...

This is the reason you shouldn't be driving, Brenda.

I didn't hit her.

You all right, Jenny?

I'm really sorry.

It's fine.

I had really terrible hiccups, and they've gone,

so thank you.

Super.

I'm taking my driving test in two days.

Learning to drive.

How's that going?

It would help if I'd been given better equipment.

Tony's been moaning on about the car for weeks.

Making something nice?

Oh, bits and Bobs.

Balaclava, pinafore, a new colander.

Gone knitting mad since I found out I was pregnant.

Can knit you some health bits.

Brilliant.

Actually, I'm quite glad you nearly ran me over. [Laughs]

I've got something to tell you.

[Both scream]

Tim's proposed.

No.

Oh.

Let's just say he gave me a very obvious Valentine card

this morning, so I thought I'll get ahead of the game.

Gonna knit myself this.

A knitted wedding dress, Jenny?

Have you thought that through?

No.

If it rained, you'd smell like a wet labrador.

Why don't you try something less chunky?

Cheesecloth.

I got a Valentine card.

She did.

How exciting, do you know who sent it?

No.

But I'm gonna find out who did,

and then dad's gonna kill him.

I am.

If you look for clues, stamp Mark, handwriting,

if the card's got a distinctive smell about it.

[Sniffing] Smells of sherbet lemons.

There you go, that's your first clue.

Do you know anyone who runs a sweet shop?

Oh, Mr. Bennett with the weepy eye.

Blimey, hope it's not from him.

Well, you need to find out who sent it to you,

because that is the person who loves you the most.

That's my job, actually.

Then you can be like me and get engaged. [Shrieks]

Now, Emma, I don't want you to go thinking

that all women want is to get engaged.

They don't.

Jenny's pregnant, so she's off her head on hormones.

I am.

I'm whooshing with them, whooshing.

Look, there's an orphan holding a puppy with a broken paw.

Floods of tears.

Look, there's a woman with a big nose

who's taking the last finger bun in the bakery.

Stabby death face! [Chuckles]

Don't you go worrying about the getting engaged thing.

It only leads to getting married, and you don't want that.

You're married.

I got married once, Emma, once.

[Car hood slams]

You've killed the car, Brenda.

You have actually killed the car.

This is one of the endless reasons

why you shouldn't be driving.

I think you'll find I've done you an enormous favour.

You can go and get a new one now,

and then I get to learn in it.

I am brilliant, thank you.

Thanks for the tips.

Everything all right, Emma?

I've got some cheesecloth in the airing cupboard.

I could make Tim a matching suit.

Oh, how exciting! [Hiccups]

Bad luck, Jenny.

I think it's all the excitement. [Hiccups]

I can try and almost hit you again, if you like. [Giggles]

[Emma voiceover] So mum was going to drive

and I was going to get engaged.

It was all so modern.

What are you all up to?

An actual Valentine, sent to actual me.

Who's it from?

Someone who likes sherbet lemons.

Would you like to smell it?

Yes please.

Would you like to smell it, miss?

No thank you.

Look.

Sherbet lemons.

And so the net tightens.

I have suspects.

Did you get a card, miss?

I did, actually.

Imagine that.

I wonder who on earth could have sent it to me.

Someone old.

Really, really old.

Yeah.

Everything gets better with age, girls.

Remember that.

Cheese, wine.

Ham doesn't.

No, ham doesn't, no.

Never mind.

Anyway, card away, pencils out.

Ham indeed.

Right, children, countries of the world.

[Emma voiceover] There were a few things

dad really liked getting when mum wasn't looking.

Pork pies, atlases, and now this.

New wheels, nicely done.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

Absolute beauty.

A 12 seat Land Rover, Tony.

But I want to learn to drive, not invade Poland.

That's an investment right there.

You'll get years out of that.

Think of the possibilities.

Off road shopping, day trips to picket lines,

and it'll be handy if we ever need to send Emma

to work on a farm.

What?

It's enormous.

It's as big as a ship.

Why don't we christen it like they do ocean liners?

Yeah, I got a bottle of baby cham in the fridge.

Hang on. [Chuckles]

What are you doing?

Got some cheesecloth.

I'll make you a suit for our special day.

I'm not going anywhere.

No, it's for our...

Did you find out who sent the card yet?

No, not yet.

I've got three suspects though.

You have to set a love test, see who likes you the most.

Then you can get engaged. [Giggling]

So, Emma got a Valentine card.

It's not from me.

[Sighs] No, I can't drive in that.

It's going to have to go back.

No, it's all right, Brenda.

Four wheel drive, stick in the low ratio

and it'll drive itself.

30 years from now, it'll all be massive cars

driving themselves, reading their own maps.

Don't be ridiculous, Tim.

Right.

You do the honours.

Make sure it smashes, because if it doesn't,

it's bad luck forever.

No, you throw it, Tony,

I don't have the requisite oomph.

What are we gonna call it?

Ian.

Car-lotte o'car-a.

Scarlet O'Hara, car...

Doesn't matter.

Barbara grumbles.

Old headmistress, had a large undercarriage.

Bessie.

That's a name that says hello, I am in charge.

Bessie it is.

We hereby christen this magnificent vehicle bessie.

[Cheering]

[Bottle slams]

Tony!

Oh god.

Cuts up there always look worse than they are.

Ooh, bottle didn't break either.

You'll be all right, Jenny.

It's all I've got, but it'll do.

I'm really, really sorry, em.

It was an accident.

It's ok, but I am supposed to be getting engaged.

Engaged, who to?

Whoever sent me that Valentine card.

Hang on, no.

We don't know him or his family.

Calm down, Tony.

I've told you before, Emma.

A modern girl doesn't need to be thinking

about getting engaged.

I only married your father because I was madly in love

with him and he bamboozled me with a bag of coal

and a sack of onions.

That is true.

So Tim might pop the question tonight then, eh?

I've never wanted anything more.

Apart from that time I wanted that pressure cooker.

You're absolutely sure, Jenny.

I mean, you're not worried that he still might be a bit,

you know, feral?

Well, he's given her a suggestive card.

He has.

Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.

Can't stop, I've got a mystery to solve.

Hat please.

Right.

There you go.

You look great.

Feel super.

Oh, bless her.

I remember my first Valentine card.

Who was it from?

Me.

Sent it to myself.

[Emma voiceover] Mum always said anything worthwhile

was never easy.

What's going on?

[Emma voiceover] It was the day of her test,

and she was having to practise in the car

dad had built for her on the dining room table.

I am learning to drive,

but your father won't let me do it in his car.

It's almost as if he thinks something terrible

is going to happen.

Yes, Brenda, something terrible will happen.

You're not ready.

I am ready.

No, you're not, Brenda.

What about the theory bit?

Road signs, you know those?

I know signs, I know them.

Stop, look, listen, thank you.

Yeah, that's your green cross code, well done,

you need to learn your highway code.

Can't click every trip.

No, Brenda.

Road signs, markings.

What's a red circle with a white stripe across it?

Fabulous.

- It's no entry. - No entry, no entry.

Tricks, tricks, Tony, tricks.

I am going to take this test and I am going to pass.

Up the women.

Up the women?

Aye aye, what's all this?

Dad won't let mum drive his new car.

Too right.

You see, Emma, this is exactly the sort of thing

I keep warning you about.

Men sticking together to try...

You stick together with Jenny.

Stop confusing the issue with facts.

Whose side are you on anyway?

Tim, you're looking very cagey.

What are you up to?

Going out looking for something special?

No, I'm trying to avoid Jenny.

She keeps trying to make me put on cheesecloth trousers,

Brenda, it's not what nature intended.

It's weird.

It's not weird, Tim.

Being pregnant does funny things to your brain,

hormones whooshing everywhere.

I'll be honest, Brenda,

I'm not really a hormones man.

More sexy horseplay, beard.

- Football. - Football.

- Pie. - Love pie.

Perhaps it's a love test to see if you like her the most.

You know, so you can get engage...

Ah, ooh.

Tim,

did you ask Jenny something last night?

Yes, but it's no sex til the baby comes.

No, no, no, not that.

Perhaps she wants something else.

Teasmade?

Perhaps something a bit more committed

than a teasmade.

Hostess trolley.

No, silly, you need to get engage...

No!

Thank you, blurty mcgurty.

Anyway, they're never gonna let you take a test

in a table with a plunger for a gear stick.

I know, but he won't let me do it in his car.

Of course he won't.

Never teach your own wife, that's a golden rule.

So you think a man who isn't married to a woman

can teach that woman to drive?

Of course.

Where's your car?

Hang on.

Right, let's give this a go.

Tim, I put some felt in the crotch

so it's not so see-through.

Do you want to come and try them on?

I can't, I've got to teach Brenda how to drive.

I've got no time for tissue-thin trousers.

Away, away.

So you're not going to try this stuff on?

No.

Come on, ask her.

Jenny, do you want me to ask you something?

Yes.

Do you want a hostess trolley?

No.

Right you are then.

Come on, let's go.

[Engine putters]

Actually, I would quite like a hostess trolley.

That's it, Brenda, nice and slow.

Keep her in first.

Hello, ladies.

Are we just going to curb call, Tim,

or are you actually going to teach me anything?

It's fine, you're doing really well.

Nice boots.

I'm just out with my mother.

Brenda, nice and easy, no need to rush.

There is a need to rush.

There's a need to rush to get me to school

and out of this car.

Oh no, Simon wood's outside.

Drive past, mum, drop me off round the corner.

Can't I just drop you here?

I haven't learned right turns yet.

[Emma] No, you cannot.

Honestly, Emma, it's almost as if you're embarrassed

by me or something.

I am embarrassed of you.

Bit rude.

I might have passed my test by the time I pick you up.

Imagine that.

Please don't pick me up, ever.

Love you!

Super.

So let's have a stop take.

First gear.

It's there.

Indicators.

They're on.

My hand on your thigh.

My fist in your crotch.

That's dangerous.

[Emma voiceover] One thing about going to school

in the 1970s was you were constantly shown films

about things you had to be terrified of.

[Film narrator] Most people are good and kind.

But there are some who want to hurt children.

So always say no to strangers.

A stranger offering you a lift isn't always bad.

But he could be.

So it's best to think about a strange car as danger.

It's definitely him.

He's the only one who gave you a gobstopper by the pegs.

It was a love test to end all love tests.

How do you get engaged?

I think how it works is you get pregnant.

Emma is pregnant, and so is Simon wood.

Emma's pregnant, and so is Simon wood.

Emma's pregnant, and so are you.

[Triumphant music]

Is it true?

Yes, it is.

Now you have to get engaged.

I haven't finished my dib dab.

I'll have that.

Are you, Simon, pregnant with Emma?

I don't know or understand.

We are.

That's that.

You're engaged!

[Children cheering]

[Emma voiceover] I had succeeded in my quest.

But could mum do the same?

So in your own time, stop and then continue on again.

You want me to stop, then start, on a hill?

Yes, please.

Are you mad?

Why would I do that?

It's the hill start.

I'm not stopping on a hill.

Right.

Well then, when I hit the dashboard,

I want you to stop.

What for?

To simulate an emergency stop.

Hitting the dashboard is an emergency, really?

No, it's not an actual emergency.

It's a simulation.

[Clipboard bangs on dashboard]

I hit the dashboard.

Yes, I know, but I can't stop here, can I?

I'm in the middle of the road.

Hitting the dashboard is an emergency. [Laughs]

Ridiculous.

Right.

Ah, wait, was that a trick question?

Point for knowing it's a trick question.

Could stop please, Mrs. Kennedy?

Just stop anywhere.

Look out, look out!

No, no, no!

[Instructor gasping]

Points for that?

Mrs. Kennedy, I can't really see any further point

in continuing.

You have failed your test.

I failed my test?

You failed on everything.

Every single thing.

That's never happened to me before.

So for that, thank you.

I knew where the gear stick was.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, thank you.

Indicators, look.

[Wipers running]

Have some more lessons or never drive again.

Now, let's swap places.

Oh no you don't.

I'm driving back.

I'll show you I can drive.

Failed indeed.

Mrs. Kennedy!

[Rock music]

[Tim screaming]

You.

Did anyone die?

No.

I nearly blinking did.

Pardon me.

That's yours.

Never drive again, ever.

He failed me, can you even believe that?

Yes, I can.

I am a woman, and I shall drive.

Get in, Tim, we're going to pick Emma up.

Driving, driving!

Driving, driving!

Wait, this is the hormones whooshing around, isn't it?

You're not pregnant as well, are you?

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, thank you.

[Engine roars]

We're engaged now, Simon,

so we should get on with the arguing as soon as possible.

There's a tiny chance that my dad is going to kill you.

What?

Ok, a pretty big chance.

[Emma voiceover] Mum liked to say it wasn't that she

had got something wrong,

it was just that the rest of the world

hadn't caught up with her yet.

[Gears creaking]

Brenda, seriously, you're burning the clutch to a husk.

Let me drive it back, for the love of all things decent.

No, you can't.

Never stop a woman proving a point, Tim.

[Emma voiceover] In short, she was never wrong, ever.

Come on, in you get.

[Film narrator] Always say no to strangers.

Hello, young lady.

Do you know that man?

I've never seen him before in my life.

Come on, get in.

[Film narrator] Now remember, think of a strange car

as danger.

Miss Parsons, miss Parsons!

Emma's got in a car with a stranger!

What?

[Door knocking]

Forgot your keys, did you?

How did it go?

Tony Kennedy?

Yes?

I'm afraid we've had a report of your daughter

being taken from outside the school gates.

What?

A car pulled up and Emma was dragged into it.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Kennedy.

What?

Brenda.

Oh no, I've got to tell Brenda.

[Car crashing]

Brenda!

Sorry.

Holy moly, you pranged my ruddy car.

That's him, that's the man who took Emma.

Get him.

You, hold it right there.

What the heck?

It's a bloody prang, man, a prang.

We got the air brakes on,

this is a bit heavy handed, isn't it, mate?

Where is she?

Tell me what you've done with her.

She's there.

She's the one driving.

She's the one that pranged it, not me.

I do not require handcuffs, put those away, thank you.

I have absolutely no idea you were arrested

if you failed your driving test.

Nobody told me that.

No, that's my wife.

What?

Are you that man's wife?

Yes, I am.

A woman can drive without her husband, you know.

We're not in the dark ages.

- What's going on here? - Emma!

Come here.

Dad, this is so embarrassing!

How's my daughter?

It's my fiance.

What do you mean, your fiance?

We got pregnant, then engaged.

Then she said you were going to kill me.

I am going to kill you, so prepare to die.

Hold on a minute, you can't threaten to kill this boy.

I'm not really gonna kill him, am I?

I am.

So this is your daughter we thought had been abducted.

Abducted?

Emma has not been abducted.

Emma is with me.

What's happening?

No no, never run with scissors!

Why are they arresting you?

Who's this, your wife?

She's not my wife.

She will be, she's pregnant.

Trust me, don't cross her, she's like a cornered mongoose.

- Will be? - Yes, definitely.

Go on then, ask her, make it official.

I don't think now is really...

Yes, now, just do it!

Go on, ask her.

Tim, just ask her to marry you.

For Pete's sake, all right.

Will you marry me?

Yes!

Congratulations.

Lovely, right, congratulations.

So this woman is your mother.

Yeah, she is.

And you weren't being abducted.

No.

Simon, you said she'd been taken by strangers.

It's not my fault.

She told me she didn't know who you were.

Why would you say that?

To avoid rubbishing embarrassment.

And here we are again.

It's just a scratch.

Spit on it, it'll disappear.

[Emma voiceover] Romance was nothing but trouble.

And turns out, it was pretty sneaky too.

That's it, Brenda, never again.

Your driving days are over.

I blame you, Tony.

You made me open the important looking post.

That was the start of it.

Blooming valentines.

If Simon hadn't sent me that card,

I wouldn't be in this mess.

Simon didn't send you that card.

How do you know?

Because I did.

Now then, supper.

What are we having, Tony?

[Growls] Dad!

I'll kill her.

["Love grows" by Edison lighthouse]

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