Original subtitles

[Emma voiceover] Living in a new town in the 1970's

was brilliant.

Everything was brand new and I was allowed to stay out

for as long as I liked.

It was like living on the death star

but without the storm troopers or the evil.

That's my mom Brenda, she's a modern woman

which means she's allowed to get away

with never cooking dinner or dusting.

That's my dad, he's called Tony.

His hobbies are sausages and finding a parking space

in stevenish town centre on a Saturday morning.

I really like them, except when they do kissing stuff

which is just plain wrong.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

[Emma voiceover] That's Tim and Jenny, they come over

all the time.

Dad says Jenny's a big half-baked,

and mom says Tim's a bit under-done

which means they're perfect for each other.

Or something.

And that's Jane, she's my best friend,

she's mad for hopping.

Everything was perfect except for one thing

that I was determined to do something about it.

Julie, the Darth Vader of jessop square.

Secret whisper?

If you don't know it, you're not comin' in.

[Emma voiceover] She ruled the rep with a rod of iron

and if you didn't know her secret whisper,

you were going nowhere.

Oh my fingers have stopped working.

One day that's fort gonna be mine.

You don't know the secret whisper.

Then I'll make up a new secret whisper.

And then Julie won't be able to get in.

She'll just punch you in the face!

She won't, once you've said secret whisper,

that's it, it's secret whisper.

Is the secret whisper going to be that Nathan Coleman

rubbed his woolie through a hole in his pocket?

Not woolie, Willie.

No, everyone knows that, don't worry,

I'll think a new one up.

["Rasputin" by boney m.]

[Emma voiceover] But I wasn't the only one

having grand ideas.

Should we have a dinner party Tony?

No one's ever had a dinner party on jessop square

and everyone else is having them.

Well I don't know anyone who's having a dinner party.

Well they're having them in Cosmopolitan.

Look.

That's not a dinner party, it's an advert for scotch.

There's a tiger on the table.

Anyway what for and who with?

Did Neil Armstrong ask what for when they said

let's go to the moon?

No he did not, we can ask the Palmer's,

and Jenny and Tim, we haven't seen them this week.

Yes, that's cause Tim got drunk and fell

onto your tits.

That was an accident.

Brenda, nobody falls like this.

We're having a dinner party.

You can't cook, you've never cooked or apart

from that time when you tried to put an egg in a kettle.

But of course I won't be cooking, you will.

But I,

mom, I need to do a really good secret whisper

but I'm not sure what.

Why?

Cause Julie won't let anyone in the fort.

So I'm gonna occupy it like when the Nazi's

occupied France.

Well I don't think that's anything to aspire to,

if I'm honest.

Jane thinks I should make the secret whisper

about Nathan Coleman and how he played

with his Willie through a hole in his pocket.

How do you know that?

He showed me.

Oh Emma, Emma, do not let boys show you

their Willie's in pockets, Emma, this is what

men do, put your foot down now and you'll have

a career.

If men had their way we'd never achieve anything.

We'd all just be standing there, staring,

at their Willie's.

Think of a nicer secret.

Anyway we're having a dinner party, imagine that.

It'll be two hours of frantic cleaning,

and two hours of frantic cooking just so we can spend

two hours frantically trying to think of things to say.

I mean I always thought a party, who knows

what's we're gonna eat.

We should have something posh.

Something we've never had before, what about

a lasagna, Tony look, there's a picture of one,

it's magnificent.

Lasagna, that's got pasta in it and not in a tin,

Brenda that's madness.

Where am I'm gonna find pasta not in a tin.

It'll be fine, look the mince, bread sauce,

lasagna bits, she's on top, you're done,

they're both smiling in the picture, they must

be enjoying it.

You know it, you know it, so you're in charge Tony.

I'm gonna phone Jenny see if they're free tomorrow.

I don't wanna be in charge.

Tony most men would kill to be in charge.

[Rotary dial turning]

What the hell do you have with lasagna, anyway?

Mush, chips?

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

Hello Jenny, hi, I was wondering,

[Jenny] If he can't live with me,

then why don't you get on already!

Sorry Brenda, we are having a bit of a row.

Tim has ruined my best blouse, ruined.

[Tim] Going out.

Good riddens.

Be back by seven, I'm cooking lamb.

[Tim] Mint sauce?

Yes of course mint sauce, I'm not an idiot.

[Door slams]

Right, he's gone, hello.

Hello, I have heard a brilliant idea.

Like when we painted our eyebrows on

with fence varnish?

No, a proper one.

We haven't had a fun day in ages, so I'm going to have

a dinner party.

[Jenny] Dinner party?

Yeah it's a party where you have dinner.

Yeah it'll be goody, like that time we thought

we saw David Cassidy in woolworth's.

What about that stick with dead strong onion stuff

and loads of butter?

You mean garlic bread?

Oh yeah, how'd you make that?

I don't know, I'm ten.

Oh Jenny, are you okay?

Oh yes, fine, just a bit full of feelings.

Well my dinner party will cheer you up.

We'll pick you up in the morning, make a day of it,

go over to the mausoleum at St. alban's,

dinner party in the evening.

Oh.

Great, I'll invite the Palmer's.

See you tomorrow, bye.

They had another row?

Nothing ill, it's only a wink fix.

Oh come on Tony, first dinner party in jessop square,

we're setting the standard, raising the bar.

Now what am I'm gonna wear?

Want I could come and help you choose if you like.

Something that says hello, I'm fabulous,

basically the fashion equivalent of lasagna.

But maybe not so many layers, hmm, yeah.

You know how to make lasagna really?

Don't you dad?

Yeah.

[Peppy music]

[Car door slams]

[Knocking on door]

Hello, hello, let the fun day commence,

are you ready?

Tim's not here, I don't know where.

Don't worry, we're in no rush.

You're gonna love dinner later, Tony's making a lasagna.

It's going to be,

[Door slams shut]

Is everything all right Jenny?

Oh, what's this doing in the bin?

Don't touch that, makes you pregnant.

How'd you get pregnant with that?

Well, the man makes a sort of love soup and then,

not now Tony.

Say something.

Malcolm MacDonald's has a terrible season

for arsenal, hasn't he, right off form?

[Jenny crying out]

Oh right, come on then, let's go outside

and look at the concrete.

Get back in here now.

What can I do apart from offer to put up some shelves?

Perhaps you should offer to put up some shelves?

Jenny,

do you want me to put some shelves up?

Yes please.

Oh no, I forgot my tools.

[Jenny cries out]

Well go get them.

Forget the shelves,

you look after Jenny, me and Emma trying to find

some of lasagna bits.

Okay, but don't be long.

I'll put some shelves up for you later if you like?

Saucy.

Oh yucker doodle do!

Come on em, pasta bits.

Now then Jenny, what on earth has been going on?

[Jenny crying]

There was actual snot coming out of her nose dad.

I know and when a woman cries, somewhere in the world

a man is in terrible trouble.

Hey, hey, look who it isn't?

Wow there, no Brenda? Jenny?

Jenny's inside crying because a man

is in terrible trouble.

Hmm.

Look Tim I don't suppose you know where we can get some

lasagna bits, do you?

It's pasta but not in a tin.

Not in a tin?

I know madness.

Actually I do know someone who might have some pasta

not in a tin, a colleague of mine.

It's not far.

Brilliant, hop in.

[Emma voiceover] Me and dad loved a challenge.

Mechano, trying to get mom to understand

that eggs weren't a dairy product.

And now pasta.

[Tim] I won't be long.

♪ I can't get enough ♪

♪ rock me ♪

♪ give me that ♪

♪ rock me ♪

tidy garden.

♪ Rocking and reeling ♪

nice pots.

♪ Baby so don't stop doing it ♪

it's nice.

♪ Don't stop doing it now ♪

I need the loo dad.

Hah, how bad?

Right now bad.

Right come on, quickly, they won't mind.

Hello, hello.

Dad.

The loo upstairs.

♪ Just as long as I'm alone with you ♪

♪ you're forever honey that's what I ♪

♪ wanna be, wanna be, wanna be, yeah ♪

♪ rock me ♪

♪ give me that kick now ♪

♪ rock me ♪

♪ show me that trick now ♪

♪ roll me ♪

♪ you can do magic ♪

♪ baby ♪

♪ and I can't get enough of it ♪

won't come out.

Then keep it in, please.

What, dad, no wait, it's coming.

Hold it in em, mind over matter.

I don't think I can.

Is that love soup?

Oh don't look em, on no, oh no.

He's kissing her dad.

Quickly it's coming.

Quick do it in the bushes.

♪ I love, love, love ♪

you're still frantically trying to think of something

to say at the dinner party, doesn't it dad?

We can talk about this for ages.

No, we can't talk about this at the dinner party.

So not a ruddy word Emma, okay, not a word.

I go back in to wash my hands.

No you can't.

Here you go, macaroni, it's not lasagna,

but it's still pasta not in the tin, how's that?

Here we go.

Great guy, dead now.

Oh.

Brenda, cool, you look lovely.

Oh do get off her Tim, she's not going through customs.

Emma said you'd been crying so I got you a little present

to cheer you up.

I'm sorry about the blouse.

You see Jenny when a man does something wrong

you get a present.

I got you eight of them, push the boat out.

I don't drink beer.

Oh well, probably help out.

It's not even 11 o'clock.

Ah Brenda said we're gonna have some fun,

make a day of it.

You never gonna believe what we saw.

We both need to help her wash her hands, upstairs

in the bathroom now.

What are you talking about?

[Emma] But, but I licked them.

Never mind that, come on, up you go.

Tony, what are you doing?

Upstairs in the bathroom, we're gonna help Emma

wash her hands.

Biscuits?

As a family, we got some family time together.

Shush, shush.

I needed to wee and dad said that I,

hold back a shush, okay.

Now Brenda listen to me,

try very hard not to be cross, okay.

Tim said he knew where pasta was, so we drove him

to this woman's house, then he went inside,

then Emma needed the toilet.

I did, this is the best bit.

And I had no idea what he was doing, right?

So I took Emma inside and the thing is,

they were making love soup.

Hang on, they were on the floor, kissing.

We saw the whole thing.

Emma as well?

I saw everything.

Oh this is a disaster, Jenny already thinks

he's gonna go off on her because she accidentally

got pregnant with that baster.

What?

She didn't think it through and, Tim doesn't know

so everyone in this room keeps that quiet,

that means you Emma.

Hang on, did this woman have pasta?

Yes she did, yeah, it's macaroni.

Macaroni, well that make lasagna?

Well it's pasta isn't it, pasta's pasta.

Oh thank goodness.

Never mind about the pasta Brenda,

Tim's having an affair and Jenny's pregnant,

what are we gonna do?

I'll have to say something.

You can't say anything, she's pregnant.

See when that lady were making noises,

hum, hum.

I beg your pardon.

Look at her with her blubbering lips,

you know what's she like for blurting stuff out,

she's like a leaky, ruddy sieve.

Now listen Emma, what you've seen is very serious

but you and your father did not see Tim kissing

another woman.

Yes we did.

He kissed her for ages, like this...

No, you did not and you don't know Jenny's pregnant,

do you understand?

Emma, this is a secret whisper, it's the most

secret whisper you could ever imagine.

Do not under any circumstances tell Jenny

that Tim's having an affair with a big breasted woman

with a tidy garden, you got it?

You noticed her breasts, did you?

Trust me, you'd have noticed them too.

Just need some tissue.

Eight cans of beer Brenda, honestly makes me wish

he'd do something really awful, there's some clocks I want.

[Jenny blowing her nose]

You all look like you've got an awful secret.

[Chuckling]

Biscuit.

Right, the mausoleum, let's go.

The mausoleum, I think that's a Roman name.

Come on em, you can pretend to be Roman.

Yes.

I might just finish this beer

and then I'm gonna finish these.

Just had alcohol, instant idiot.

What amazing fun we're having.

[Speaking in a foreign language]

That Emma is Roman for left and right.

Oh.

I'm gonna wee.

Ah not there Tim, thank you.

Where's Jenny?

She's in the toilet, I think she's been sick,

you need to do something about him,

he's already drunk.

We need to all being enjoying ourselves,

not just him.

No, I know.

Secret whisper, secret whisper!

What?

It's the woman in the amazingly fluffy jumper.

[Indistinct conversations]

Oh no.

[Brenda] What's going on?

I know what's going on, that's the woman

with the tidy garden who was kissing Tim.

I've just been sick on my boots.

Great, let's go.

[Jenny] What are you doing?

The mausoleum, there's no stayin' here.

Hello Tim, give us a minute girls.

Fancy seeing you here?

Hey Pamela hey, I didn't know you'd like

stone structures with urns.

[Jenny] Come on Tim.

Who are they?

Don't know not with us.

Is that your girlfriend?

No, I, I know this looks wrong.

You told me she was in a wheelchair

and she couldn't use her hands or mouth.

I never said mouth.

Why you little!

No, no, no, no.

Stop the fight!

[Tim] Help Tony.

What a nightmare scenario, you're gonna go

after your mother.

This is brilliant.

Go, go, go.

[Tim] Get off of me you witch.

You haven't told her have ya?

I will drop kick you into outer space.

I can't tell her, she's deaf.

Had enough have ya, enough!

[Thud]

Have you gone mad?

This is a ruddy heritage site.

Well if you won't tell her, I will.

No stop her man!

Stop her!

Hang on, hang on, hang on, can't we just.

Get off me you!

[Woman screaming]

Blimey that was impressive.

Oh we should help her?

No, no, no, no she's fine,

her breasts will cushion the fall.

Quickly escape, come on.

I never done anything.

You go over to her house, you're in up to your neck.

Come on, come on, come on.

♪ Well you're dirty and sweet, clad in black ♪

♪ don't look back and I love you ♪

♪ you're dirty and sweet, oh yeah ♪

okay, Tony, make dinner, Emma, music on,

oh Jenny, get ready, Tim, evolve.

We're going to have fun.

We need new blood, i'm gonna get the Palmers.

Jenny you might wanna freshen up, you're mascara's run.

We are going to have this dinner party,

and it's going to be brilliant.

Lasagna.

Here we are, the Palmer's have arrived

here to save the day.

Hello, hello.

Well well, a dinner party, it's just so square.

I'd love seventy-age, so modern.

Bronze age, our own age and now this age.

Look at that Tony, wine from Germany.

Thanks, hey.

And so we could all push the boat out,

so party snacks.

Oh, my goodness, look at that Emma,

it's like main course and pudding all on one stick.

Amazing.

The hedgehog is foil, made from silver,

I want him back, so don't eat him.

All right, let me take your coat, okay.

Where's Jenny.

Tony do something he's gone feral.

Tim, Tim, Tim.

Have you met the Palmer's, they live across the square

at number 35.

Hello.

Nice.

We love our new town living, aren't we David?

It's like living in the future, but without the robots

that turn bad and kill you.

David, hello, I work over in pins green,

we've just got a computer.

[Both] Ohh.

I've seen a digital watch.

Tony go get some extra chairs.

Yes, good idea.

Tim do you wanna come and give me a hand mate?

No.

Hey, I see a dance?

Oh, goodness, get down on it.

It's right.

Come on David, join in.

No, no.

Nice tits.

Where were you before jessop square?

Peterborough, didn't like it, fell out

with the neighbours.

I hate that, people should be more accepting,

it's the 70's.

What do ya mean?

Well you know, because you're, you know.

No it wasn't that, it's because we're cannibals.

[All] Nahh, huh, huh, huh.

[All laughing]

I'll go just check on Jenny.

Yeah, shake it, come on Emma, let's have some dance.

[Emma voiceover] Mom always gripped the stairs

when her brilliant plans were teetering

on the brink of disaster.

But little did she know that things were about

to get worse.

Hey, big fella.

Don't think you're gettin' away from us this time.

Cause you're not.

[Tony] I don't know what you're talking about.

You do know what I'm talking about.

Where is Tim?

Tim who?

I don't know a Tim.

♪ Some say they will and some do ♪

[door slams loudly]

Oh, not happening.

It's like she's in the ruddy sas.

Tony, why are you closing the curtains?

Atmosphere.

Oh.

Tim, she's here.

Who's here?

Oh Jenny is here, which is lovely, isn't it.

Jenny's here, she's here.

Why have you got your shirt off?

Shall we sit.

I could only find one chair so I'll have to sit

on the pouffe.

I'll take the pouffe.

Yeah, great.

Dee?

Hey Emma you wanna know why serial killers

are never women?

Because women like to torture one man forever.

Nice Tim.

I'm joking, joking.

[Grunting]

Isn't this lovely, a dinner party in jessop square.

It's a bit like Christmas with none of the relatives

you not liking.

[Awkward chuckling]

So how long have you been married?

We're not, we just live together.

In the same house?

Very modern.

And you're having a baby?

Sorry what.

Oh I can always tell with women and Guinea pigs,

you're pregnant.

Yes, yes, I am.

Sorry what, pregnant?

Well how come?

Well the man makes a sort of love soup and the woman,

sh, sh, sh.

Well you're pregnant with an actual baby?

No with a mountain goat, what do you think?

Well cheers to that eh Tony!

Not so tiny Tim's up to the job huh!

Tell them about the time you had food poisoning David.

Well I'd never had a curry before.

That was my first mistake.

I'll just check the lasagna.

Hurry.

Oh god, I forgot the garlic bread.

♪ Some girls will ♪

to cut a long story short, it was pea-green.

Oh mom, why don't I reenact Luke destroying

the death star?

Jenny could be Princess Leia.

Ah Jenny's had enough excitement for one day, thank you.

I haven't seen star wars.

What, that's like saying you've never seen cheese.

Dee didn't fancy it, robots with guns,

it's her worst nightmare.

I'm like that about ventriloquists.

I'm not afraid of many things,

but a pint of cockles left out in a warm sun.

Never again.

The lasagna, hurray for the lasagna.

[All] Yeah.

[Clapping]

Right, sure.

It's not quite like the picture.

[Banging on the floor upstairs]

What was that?

It must be a lamp?

Or that fat squirrel, I'll go and have a look.

Well, isn't this cosy,

playing happy families Tim.

Won't be happy when I tell your girlfriend

that you've been shafting me for the past two months.

Sorry who is this?

I don't know.

I know, it's the love soup lady.

She was kissing Tim like this,

you've been kissing her.

Ah Jenny come on, we're a modern couple,

every man has a bit of tickle with the woman

they work with, it's part of the job.

I don't.

No I definitely don't.

Might get those clocks now Jenny.

It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean, anything.

Well then this doesn't mean anything.

Oh, thank you.

And this doesn't mean anything either.

[Jenny] You get your hands off him you hussy!

You are lucky that I am pregnant.

Come on,

lasagna's not even hot.

Are all dinner parties like this?

They're exciting aren't they?

This is the best secret whisper ever.

[Emma voiceover] I was now in possession

of the greatest secret whisper in the universe.

All I had to do is use it.

♪ She ain't got no money ♪

♪ and her clothes are kind of funny ♪

♪ her hair is ♪

secret whisper?

[Smack]

♪ oh well love grows ♪

♪ where my Rosemary goes ♪

♪ and nobody knows like me ♪

♪ she talks kind of lazy ♪

♪ people say she's crazy ♪

♪ and her life's a mystery ♪

♪ oh but love grows ♪

♪ where my Rosemary goes ♪

♪ and nobody knows like me ♪

♪ there's something about her hand all in mine ♪

♪ it's a feeling that's fine ♪

♪ and I just gotta say hey ♪

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