Original subtitles

♪

♪

♪

[grunts]

Great work, SEAL Team Ninja Rock Band Six.

♪

That's how we kiss in America, pal!

[laughs]

[man screams]

[Hulk roars]

[grunting]

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...

I took the one less traveled by.

Y'all, today is our annual River Creek Fourth Fest

at the country club.

Fireworks, fun rides and games,

food and big musical acts.

Exclusively for the members and residents

of the Country Club Hills gated community.

Which naturally reminds me of the topic of crime.

The city police are overloaded and, frankly, too soft,

so get your neighborhood to use my new private security firm.

[grunting]

DEBBIE: There.

Just the right Fourth of July movie for this morning,

before we head up to the Fourth Fest!

Not Wonder Woman. Boo.

What? She's a lady superhero.

You should love her even if you don't.

Eh. I'm not sure who this movie's for.

Come on.

Wonder Woman is like me:

you know, a huge patriot.

Celebrator of the Fourth.

I am a pillar of the local community, right?

Huh?

All right, guys, this is the first time we get to attend

a south side event since the big move to the north side.

But remember, we're just guests

of Daddie Dan's this year, right?

[gulps]

So we need to make sure to not, you know,

let ourselves get out of hand like last year.

-Right? -This is my favorite part.

[screams]

Well, anyway, I can't wait to see my old mom group

to trade recipes, gossip and multilevel marketing schemes.

It'll be a dream come true. [chuckles awkwardly]

No, Dad, dreams are glimpses into your many other lives,

which are playing out in other dimensions

across the quantum universe.

What? No.

I never dream that cool.

You know what I'm dreaming about, Ollie?

All the new innovations in the field of deep-fried snacks.

Yeah. And, Mama, I'm so stoked to compete against you,

as usual, in the pie-eating contest.

Mmm-mmm!

I'm with Dad. Let's just play it cool this year.

In fact, Mom is already too activated.

Hello there, fellow Arkansans.

I just wanted to jump in here betweenSling Blade screenings

with a few bits of trivia

about the single greatest thing to come out of our great state:

Billy Bob Thornton's classic 1996 film,Sling Blade.

Naturally, we play the film

back-to-back all year long, but today,

we give a special shout-out to River Creek, Arkansas,

where, as always, trusty Billy Bob Thornton,

not to be mistaken with the character Sling Blade,

will headline the annual event at Fourth Fest.

Yeah! Billy Bob Thornton!

-Let's watch Sling Bladenow. -I don't know, Todd.

I mean, even though it is

the official movie for the state of Arkansas,

Sling Blademight be too violent, you know?

I-I mean, it's perfect in its own dramatic, sad,

Southern Gothic and kind of accurate way,

but it might hype Deb up too much, you know?

Remember what she did last year?

She'll do it again. Help me.

Please, I got to take that risk.

It's tradition. Every Fourth, we get fireworks,

frankfurters and BBT.

I love that elfin cowboy.

Who the hell doesn't?

Some folks call it a sling blade.

I call it a kaiser blade.

Mmm, I like dem French-fried potaters.

Mustard's good on 'em to me.

"Mm, some call it a sling blade..."

"But I call it a kaiser blade."

"Mustard's good on 'em to me. Mm-hmm."

Oh, boy.

"I like dem French-fried potaters."

"Mustard's good on 'em to me. Mm-hmm."

[grunts] "Some call it a sling blade..."

"I call it a kaiser blade. Mm-hmm."

"You want mustard on 'em, mm-hmm?"

"Mm-hmm."

Why does every single person in Arkansas

have a Sling Bladevoice?

Some people call it a kaiser voice. Mm-hmm.

♪

[horns honking]

Get your M-80s.

Get your cherry bombs, right here.

Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum-dee-dum. 'Scuse me.

TODD: Look.

It's our principal, Dr. Morocco.

Man, he's so chill.

Truly a role model for us youth.

Ugh, he's so... full of red flags.

Hey, let him live.

♪

[music playing faintly on radio]

That Freddie.

He just ain't a man's man, Roy.

I just figure he's too uptight.

It'd be fun to see him have fun, wouldn't it?

Uh, what's in the bag, babe?

It's a costume change. Gonna blow everyone's mind.

Ah...

[people screaming in distance]

Evening, Kelley.

Cool if I bring in this sandwich?

I'm almost done.

Anything for a former pro athlete.

And Miss Brenna. Nice to see you, too.

Such pillars of the community.

Well, it takes a gated village.

-Afternoon, Mayor. -Daddie Dan.

You, the kids,

and the uptight nerd can come on in.

But your worse daughter, Debbie,

is banned from Fourth Fest due to the incident.

Come on, Sling Blade, sing Skynard!

Goddamn it, this woman does this every year.

Can't someone stop it?

And, everybody, my name ain't Sling Blade.

-[clamoring] -Yeah. Come here, come here...

-[mutters, chuckles] -[phone beeps]

You are north side trash, and you're banned.

That was out of love, for the Fourth of July!

And patriotism! And BBT!

It's the American way: to get physical.

So why single me out?

-Don't make a scene. -[gasps]

Could you just go to my house and eat my private ice cream?

A-And the Crown whiskey on the top shelf, okay?

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

My family is too cool for this anyway, right?

-Come on, guys. [gasps] -Oh, man.

Darn.

Honey, shoot, I...

You know, I'm really sorry, but it's Fourth Fest.

Whatever!

I don't even care!

[sobbing]

I do care.

I love you, Boy.

I love you, too, Sling Blade.

[breathes deeply]

[sniffles]

Hey, wait a second.

Toilets don't clog in nice neighborhoods.

♪

[grunts]

[panting]

[grunts]

VLAD: Okay, listen.

We hit all these houses

that flank the golf course.

All the people are away

at their stupid American festival.

We just need to wait for the signal,

and then we rob them all.

[panting]: okay.

[grunting, panting]

Okay, okay, okay.

Do I call the cops and give them all the glory?

[chuckles]: Or...

do I take 'em all down myself and prove to everyone

that I am not trash, and that I'm a goddamn patriot,

a class act partier, and a pillar of the community?

Oh, it's a big opportunity.

[exhales sharply]

If it can be done...

I can do it.

♪

All right, kids, let's get the lay of the land

before we enjoy the fest, okay?

Ooh, wow, look at that!

Oh, my-- This is incredible!

-There's Billy Bob! -[cheering]

-[Ollie whoops] -[chanting]: Sling Blade! Sling Blade!

Sling Blade! Sling Blade!

What the fuck, guys, my name ain't Sling Blade, all right?

What the fuck am I doing here?

Hey, Sling Blade! Play some music!

Oh, my God.

I wouldn't even do this if it wasn't for charity.

-MAN: It's not for charity! -It's for Sling Blade!

[cheering]

Ugh, I wish Mom were here. She's the fun one.

She and I would already be covered

in fried food by now.

It's not the same.

Why-why don't you go get some gross food

and come right back here, huh?

I'll be at this picnic table.

A-And get me a flavored water.

Water flavor!

Oh.

My old private school friends.

You know, Ollie might be bummed,

but I'm so relieved Mom isn't here

to embarrass me like always.

Wassup, Toddy? Todd's dad.

'Sup...

Sorry. I'm invisible.

Hey, we miss you, Todd ole boy.

Really? Thanks Dawson and Creek.

-It's good to be back, guys. -[chuckles]: Sure.

You were always the brains of our group.

-Well, cool. I mean I am. -Meaning you always did

our shitty homework for us, right?

[laughs]: Oh, man. Oh, good times.

The memories, wow, yeah.

Hey, say, We've got two extra funnel cakes. You want them?

Wow, what a nice gesture, gentlemen.

I feel very accepted. Right, Todd?

Yeah. Let's, uh, show our gratitude and eat them. Now.

-[snickering] -FREDDIE: Mmm!

This fest blows. Hey, look!

You want to go back to my home movie theater, Dawson?

Sounds great. Love to see the old neighborhood.

Not you, Todd. You're not invited.

[laughing]

-Buh-bye! -Burn!

Those boys aren't thatcool.

Just kinda.

Oh, Dad, it's fine.

When you get as many A's as I do,

you deserve a couple wedgies.

It kinda goes with the territory. I'm fine with it.

Such a great idea to use Todd's dad

as a guinea pig for those drugs.

Yeah, I got to see what Molly does to someone before I try it.

Really? Uh, I put all the mushrooms on it, too.

[Freddie chuckles]

Ah...

I'll show everyone I'm not trash.

I'll show everyone who's the top citizen in this town.

-[birds chirping] -[insects trilling]

How incredibly courageous of Sling Blade

to direct himself in his own movie.

[ladder rattles]

And now, they're all gonna be like, "Whoa.

"This is a special woman, and we should never be a cook

"in her kitchen because we don't want to taint

"her unpredictable genius actions that we bear witness to

now on this Fourth of fucking July!"

Told you!

[phone beeps]

It's time.

-[chanting]: Sling Blade...! -Y'all know Scottie Pippen's from Arkansas, too.

I heard he's got a band. Fuck. Get him up here. Shit.

What you need, Sling Blade? Uh, dang it, I mean, Billy Bob?

Coffee? Energy drink?

Nah, I'm gonna need something stronger.

-Ah... -[heartbeat throbbing]

Running low.

Got to hit Brad Pitt up for more.

That Missouri boy was around the source for a good while.

[grunts]

[sighs] Just isn't the same without Mom.

Any minute now,

that guy is gonna freak out.

I wonder where Ollie is.

[chuckles]: Ooh. Oh, man.

Hey, come on, Todd, let's just

you and me take everything the fest has to offer.

You know, I mean, Ollie is fine.

Ooh, man, I feel good. Wow.

[echoing]: Anyway, you know, it's a safe place.

She'll find us in a bit.

Ooh, let's play this!

Oh, man.

Hey, Todd, how you doing?

-[electrical whirring] -Uh-uh. [grunts]

-What the fudge? -[chuckles]: Yeah, bitch.

[grunting]

Take that mother...

-[grunts] -[cries out]

I'm a regular Sling Blade over here, huh?

F-ing awesome over here!

Holy shit, look at Freddie!

-[Freddie whoops] -Well, okay, okay, Freddie boy.

-FREDDIE: Freddie's here! -Having some fun, eh, kicking people in dicks

and ripping their heads off and flying around,

but yeah, he is having fun, sure enough.

Roundhouse 'em, Freddie!

[elongated groan]

Ouch! Looks like that hurt.

[grunting]

[groans] Please!

Take me to the hospitals!

[cries out]

[grunting]

[straining]

[grunts]

Aah!

[grunts]

[groaning]

[all moaning]

You done activated me.

Time to take this up a notch to level two.

[phone beeps]

There's some unforeseen husky Wonder Woman

pulling a Home Aloneon us.

[quiet chatter]

...and that's all you need to do to please your lady.

-Wow. -Wow! [chuckles]

You're pretty cool, man.

Why do you hang out with this gross little nobody?

Oh, shit.

Todd is cool, man.

Cooler than you,

because he still tries to be nice to you

even though you're little shitheads.

He's got a good heart, and he's smart as hell.

Plus, that's my son, dude.

So chill out or watch out.

Dude, you destroy us with words.

[straining]

-OLLIE: Hey, Biggun! -[gasps]

It just wasn't the same without you.

Oh, a penny for luck!

Oh! Oh, my God, Ollie!

[groans] Are you okay?

Whoa, I nearly got deadened right there, Mom.

What are you up to?

Defending the neighborhood from robbers like Wonder Woman.

Why is Wonder Woman just like

all the shitty men heroes who just fight, fight, fight?

Sometimes you got to fight, babe. Now get inside.

We say it's bad that men are violent,

and that they should be more like us rad women

who use our words to overcome conflicts.

But then we just make her behave like a dude.

[whispers]: Listen to me.

There are violent criminals here,

so I'm getting violent!

-And drunk. -And drunk, yes.

Limbers me up.

I say we try diplomacy with the bad guys,

'cause these traps look mean.

Whoa, Mom! No!

They're just robbers. You can't kill people.

You know what, I am not passing up my moment

to win back the hearts of this town.

-So... -[grunting]

-Ow! -I got to subdue and present

all these bad guys, Ollie. But I do hear you.

I promise I won't kill anyone on purpose.

Okay, good talk!

[upbeat music playing]

Things should be right on schedule.

[cheering]

Mel Gibson...

was in my favorite Fourth of July movie:

The Patriot.

Mel was in this movie back in the year 2000, y'all.

He was an American defending his homeland

against the redcoats, and he bathed in their blood

like any red-blooded American would do.

He knew that defending your home was

the most important thing.

And we didn't listen.

Thus 9/11.

So y'all should listen to me

and buy one of my home security systems

from Kelley Frakes White Glove Security.

God bless the U.S. of A.

-[upbeat music playing] -[crying]

[Freddie giggling]

[crying]

Your dad's tripping balls on the drugs we put

on his funnel cake.

-You did what? Dad. Dad! -It's gonna be really colorful!

Whoa. Please. No, no, woman.

We just want to talk.

[breathing heavily]

[yells]

[grunts]

[cries out]

Hey. 'Sup?

Why do I even care if their stuff gets stolen?

Damn Kelley Frakes will always fuck you over.

Kelley? She'll fuck us over?

Wait a second, does Kelley have something to do with all this?

Uh... let's talk?

[grunts]

I guess violence is in my genes.

And if the "mom genes" fit, wear 'em.

I-It's so great being back with you lovely mamas

from my mom group. Aah!

Your eczema cleared up, Macy. Wow.

You've been doing the oatmeal scrubs?

[laughs]

Dad, you're dosed with drugs, and we forgot about Ollie.

Where is she?

[gasps] Oh, my God. Ollie was right!

I'm "dream seeing" my alternative selves

in the other dimensions of the quantum universes!

DREAM FREDDIE: Looking good, buddy!

Let Mom go!

Little girl, this might surprise you,

but we've been having diplomatic talks with your mama.

See? Wonder Woman can be cool.

Damn, but all you robbers are super messed up

and need a hospital.

Yes. This was meant to be "no contact" job.

-Our weapons are fake. -It was Kelley.

She hired us to rob this neighborhood for some reason.

Yeah, and I know that reason.

[clamoring]

All right, y'all, we're back for our second set.

[panting]

-[groans] -[guards grunt]

[panting]

Okay.

How in the hell did you get in here,

you drunken trash?

Recognize these criminals?

They told me you hired them to rob the neighborhood.

Oh, that's the booze talking.

50-50. And now, guess what?

I'm getting up on that stage to say that you hired them

so everyone would believe that crime was on the rise in town,

so they would then also buy your new security system. Aha!

You're taking advantage of America's fear of violence,

which comes from America's addiction to violence,

which comes from America's fear of violence,

which comes from America's addiction to violence,

which comes from America's fear of violence,

-which comes from... -Look.

I can lift the ban on you partaking in the Fourth Fest.

I'll even introduce you as a model citizen.

Ifyou keep this between us.

[Freddie giggling]

All right, let's get this thing going.

-[whoops] -What the fuck do you think you're doing, boy?

Goddamn it.

-[mumbling a tune] -Yes, Dad!

Dance like no one exists.

♪ Ah, ooh, ah, da-da-da.♪

-Shit. Fuck. -[crowd gasps] -Hiss!

Back, Redcoats. Back. Hiss.

-Hey, watch it! [grunts] -KELLEY: So we're cool?

Double overtime and I get you backstage with Billy Bob?

[scoffs]

Guys, I thought we were cool.

Hey, it's Sling Blade, man.

Hey, let go! Let go!

Now, all the Harpers are banned from Fourth Fest!

Ah. I am going to expose you!

Who's going to believe you, huh?

Get 'em out of here, boys!

Good run being fun, man. Too bad.

Mm-hmm.

-Ha-ha! [laughs] -Later!

[groans]

That's good, kids. You're doing great.

Just take the alleys and back roads.

-[fireworks crackling] -Ah...

Happy birthday, July.

I'm so sorry, everyone.

I feel like such a hypocrite for scolding you, Deb.

I'm hungover, sunburned, somehow I lost my shoes.

Welcome to being me, babe.

[tires screech]

[engine idling]

[tires squealing]

Seems you all have had a learning type of day.

Tell me, what did you learn, girl person?

That...

I'm a lot like my mom, and she's a lot like me.

And you, scowl-faced lad?

I guess I learned that life is a series of embarrassments.

And if it's not one parent then it's the other.

And my old friends, they're just sucky dicks.

Yes, that's true. Dicks are a dime a dozen.

I learned "diplomacy" sucks a big--

Don't talk until your name's called, Mother.

Bad form, that. [clicking tongue]

Now, broken man.

-Are you the father? -Yep.

Yeah. Yes.

And your lesson?

Well, I learned that even though mushrooms and Molly

make me the person I've always dreamed of being

but somehow was not really ever able to be...

eh, they're just not really for me.

And I just learned...

where my lost bag of drugs ended up.

♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Chirp.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0