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1
00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:05,875
[ Dice rattling ]
2
00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:07,485
- Shucks, I got Poor Daddy.
3
00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:09,313
- Sweet, I got Rich Daddy!
4
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:11,228
- Look, guys, I got Sexy Daddy.
5
00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:12,708
- Lucky!
- Lucky!
6
00:00:12,751 --> 00:00:14,188
-Hey, kids,
what are you playing?
7
00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:16,016
- We're playing
"Daddy, it's Me!"
8
00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:17,365
- "Florida Edition"!
9
00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:18,757
- This isn't your grandmother's
simple,
10
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,716
no-nonsense paternity test.
11
00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:23,501
"Daddy, it's Me!"
is the fun and roundabout way
12
00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:25,416
to learn
your birth father's identity.
13
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:27,679
- I found him!
My dad is Pizza Paul,
14
00:00:27,723 --> 00:00:30,552
owner and CEO
of local pizzeria Pizza Paul's.
15
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:31,944
I usually go for pepperoni,
16
00:00:31,988 --> 00:00:33,729
but this time,
I'll ask for hugs.
17
00:00:33,772 --> 00:00:35,035
- Learn your medical history.
18
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,688
Understand why you're ugly.
19
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,951
Plus, "Daddy, it's Me!"
results are admissible in court,
20
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:41,693
so Mom can finally
get that child support.
21
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:43,913
Available
wherever games are sold.
22
00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:47,264
- Welcome back to "Self-Inflicted
Gunshot Bloopers."
23
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:49,092
[ Rapid gunshots,
man screaming ]
24
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:50,528
- Mom?
- Shh, shh, shh.
25
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,878
Watch the dumb people
shoot themselves.
26
00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,793
- You know how you can never
seem to remember
27
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:56,360
who my father is?
28
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,363
We should play "Daddy, it's Me,
Florida Edition"!
29
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,887
Did you hear the part
about child support?!
30
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,717
- Annie, if he could pay child
support, I'd remember him.
31
00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:07,719
- Ah!
We have no money for game.
32
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,634
- I actually have
a copy upstairs.
33
00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:12,115
They gave it to me last month
at the sperm doctor.
34
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,117
- You're a sperm donor?
35
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,901
- I keep trying to get rid of it,
36
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:18,078
but it just keeps coming back.
37
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,775
Damn!
38
00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,907
- Well, I can't wait to find out
who my dad is.
39
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,474
Maybe he's
a typewriter salesman.
40
00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:24,954
Or an insurance adjuster!
41
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:26,999
[ Gasps ]
Or a cat trainer!
42
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:30,916
- I could totally see your dad
being a cat trainer, Annie.
43
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,570
- Did the game say
who your dad is?
44
00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:35,312
- Enough talking!
- Trying to watch TV!
45
00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:38,010
- I don't need to play a game,
because I already know.
46
00:01:38,054 --> 00:01:40,404
Baba's given me enough hints
over the years.
47
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,319
Big mustache, glittery eyes.
48
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,843
Only one possibility:
Tom Selleck.
49
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:47,107
- Wow! He dated Monica.
- Yeah.
50
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:50,675
He's where my effortless sexy
comes from.
51
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,938
Damn!
52
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:54,157
- Just tell him.
53
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,116
- Alright, alright.
Baba come clean.
54
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:59,467
Peter, father not Tom Selleck.
- What?!
55
00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:02,687
I guess that explains why
I can't grow a mustache!
56
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:06,169
- Hey, you and Baba can play
the game with me and Trophy.
57
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:08,954
- Like a double date?
- Board game not for Baba.
58
00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:11,783
Dice are, ooh,
sticky children cubes.
59
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:13,481
But you want meet father?
60
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:16,788
Come, I take you.
61
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:18,616
- Yes!
- Fine.
62
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,444
If you insist on finding
your father, at least
63
00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,316
we can actually make it fun.
64
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,274
[ Baby cries ]
65
00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:28,974
- ♪ I'm not as crazy
as I used to be ♪
66
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:31,890
♪ Some of my devils
up and left me free ♪
67
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:35,807
♪ To find a quiet space
I'm not as out of place ♪
68
00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:39,681
♪ And I'm coming home again
69
00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:44,294
♪ It's been too long a time
gettin' back what's mine ♪
70
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:49,169
♪ And I can't remember why
I went away ♪
71
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:53,085
♪ But it's lookin' now like
maybe I can stay ♪
72
00:02:53,129 --> 00:02:55,566
Is that any good?
73
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:59,918
[ Bright chime ]
74
00:02:59,962 --> 00:03:03,008
- Oh.
What's with the no pants?
75
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:05,402
- Since I don't remember them
so much,
76
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:08,884
I want to make sure
the potential dads remember me.
77
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:12,235
Plus, if the goal here
is child support,
78
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:15,369
this oughta get them
reaching for their wallets.
79
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,545
- The goal is to find my father.
80
00:03:17,588 --> 00:03:20,374
- Yeah, well, let's try and make
this interesting for both of us.
81
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:23,028
-Hey, Daddy!
It's me --
82
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:26,206
- Euthanasia Fantasy.
Annie for short.
83
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:29,034
-To begin, provide a Florida
DNA sample from you
84
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,341
and your biological mother.
Use the included chaw --
85
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:35,084
- Yeah, yeah, we know what to do.
[ Both spit ]
86
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:39,262
-Damn, girl, looks like there
are 15 possible fathers.
87
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:43,092
- 15?! So, you had
intercourse experiences
88
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,528
with 15 different men
89
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,748
in the span
of a single ovulation window?
90
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,880
That's two to three
different guys every day,
91
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:51,274
an average of 2.5 men!
92
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,145
- If you saw some of
these wieners,
93
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,539
you'd get where
the point-five comes in.
94
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,933
Mm, boom-shaka-laka!
95
00:03:57,976 --> 00:04:01,980
-Hold for a recent photo
of Possible Daddy number 1.
96
00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:03,634
-♪ Who's your daddy?
97
00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:05,375
- You slept with Kirk
from the 9/11?
98
00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:07,595
- Honey, you are old enough
to know the truth --
99
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:10,380
there is no such thing
as a free mini taquito.
100
00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,252
- They're called taqui-teenies.
101
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,645
Dad knows that.
- Or does he?
102
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:17,300
Proceed to the 9/11
to verify paternity.
103
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:20,390
But first, the game asks
that you put on pants.
104
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:24,612
- Geez, is this the Florida
edition or the Huguenot edition?
105
00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:25,961
Get it?
106
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:28,659
I don't.
107
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:31,140
- Hey, Annie!
How'd the math test go?
108
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:33,925
- A-minus -- I missed the last
question because --
109
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,406
- You have a nervous bladder
and had to run to the bathroom.
110
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:38,974
You'll get it next time, kiddo.
111
00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:41,150
- You run out of stamps, Annie?
- Nope!
112
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,935
I'm going to find my father!
- That's great.
113
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:45,415
I'm finally able to deliver
the letters
114
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,461
you've been sending him
all these years!
115
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,332
- Huh, seems like you spend
all your free time
116
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,029
cultivating father-figure
relationships.
117
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,640
You should just do what I did
at your age --
118
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,424
funnel your daddy issues
into fucking
119
00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:56,644
old dudes for designer clothes.
120
00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,341
- That's what
I'm trying to avoid.
121
00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:01,779
- You say that, but a dune buggy
and a tea cup Yorkie
122
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:05,957
can sure do wonders
for the self-esteem.
123
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,351
- Hello, Father.
Yo, Pop!
124
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,484
It's me, P-Dawg!
125
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:13,225
Hello, Daddy.
Why did you abandon me?
126
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,140
I can't wait to meet my dad
and find out
127
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,620
what kind of a man I really am.
128
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:19,014
All my life, I've just
been the rugged type.
129
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:22,234
But I dunno, maybe I'm actually
the podcast guy.
130
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:25,673
Or the yoga-class playah.
Or the guy with a pipe!
131
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,370
- All will be revealed.
132
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,677
Shoo.
- Oh, my gosh.
133
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,202
Are we in a graveyard
because my father...
134
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:35,247
is dead?
- Not dead,
135
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,337
just already lived.
136
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:41,166
I know it's one of these graves,
but, eh...
137
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:43,212
yeah, Baba forget which one?
138
00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:44,474
- This one?
- No.
139
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:46,389
- This one? This one?
- No. No.
140
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,870
- This one? This one? This one?
- No. No. No.
141
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:50,480
- This one? This one?
- No. No.
142
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,743
See? Baba fun.
It like game.
143
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:56,051
- A game?
Okay.
144
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:57,705
[ Chimes ]
- Ho, ho, ho!
145
00:05:57,748 --> 00:05:59,707
Bop it to hear more.
146
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:03,101
Back in my day, a man could
be anything he wanted to be,
147
00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:04,494
as long as he worked hard
148
00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:06,670
and didn't spend any time
with his family.
149
00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:08,585
Ask me anything about my life.
150
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,108
- Are you my father?
151
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,501
- Ehhh!
152
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:13,677
- I'd stay and chat,
but I gotta find my dad.
153
00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:16,419
I can't wait to find out
if my fear of grilled cheese
154
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,726
and women my own age is genetic.
155
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:21,555
- Whew. They had me worried I was
the father for a second there.
156
00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:24,688
- You had an affair
with my funeral director?
157
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:27,604
- Well, caskets ain't
cheap, Mary.
158
00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:29,258
- Okay, eleventh question --
159
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:32,783
do you think gummy bears
are friends with each other.
160
00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:34,394
- It'd be messed up
if they weren't.
161
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:37,135
- Yes! Okay, question 12 --
what's the difference
162
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:40,051
between ketchup and mustard,
in your own words.
163
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,792
- Enough.
Listen, Kirk, we're playing
164
00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:43,228
"Daddy, it's Me!
Florida Edition."
165
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,143
You came up as Annie's
potential father.
166
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:47,885
- Oh, right! I always felt like
we had a connection, Annie.
167
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:49,931
Like, we're talking
about corn dogs,
168
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,976
but we're actually
talking about not corn dog?
169
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,978
- Yes!
- We need a DNA sample.
170
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:56,241
For old times' sake, how 'bout
we go in the back room
171
00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:57,939
and you squirt in my sizzler?
172
00:06:57,982 --> 00:06:59,723
- As long as I can bring
my hot dog roller.
173
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,464
Gotta keep an eye on 'em.
- I can do it.
174
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,074
Might as well start
getting acquainted
175
00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:04,815
with the "family" business.
176
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:07,339
- Thanks, Annie.
Mm.
177
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:10,081
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
178
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:12,432
♪♪
179
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:16,174
So, you're gonna have to do that
with all 15 possible fathers?
180
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:19,003
- No! There's a breathalyzer game
piece that reads their DNA.
181
00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:20,440
I just wanted to see
if Kirk's penis
182
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,485
looks as weird as I remembered.
- Ew.
183
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:25,662
- Like a single piece
of raw bacon,
184
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:29,318
but he sure seems like he could
Daddy you all night long.
185
00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:31,494
[ Squelches, beeping ]
186
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,365
-Not your daddy!
- Hmm.
187
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,019
You know what?
That's okay.
188
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,674
Maybe Kirk and I are better off
as just friends.
189
00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:41,373
Who's next?
- Only 14 fathers to go.
190
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:46,117
- Lonny!
From Blissful Passings!
191
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,946
Your high school sweetheart.
I bet it's him.
192
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,861
-Only 90 minutes
in heavy traffic,
193
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:54,778
and you'll arrive at Lonny's
door to find out the truth!
194
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:56,519
- I doubt he's your father --
getting pregnant
195
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,956
on a Tilt-A-Whirl
is almost impossible.
196
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,871
♪♪
197
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:04,222
- [ Panting ]
198
00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:06,834
- In!
- Ah!
199
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:08,531
A grave on an island!
200
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,141
That's got to be my dad!
201
00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:12,056
He's all alone, but not lonely.
202
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,015
Remind you of anyone?
203
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:17,061
C'mon, Baba!
204
00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:19,368
Dad, your son is on your shore.
205
00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:20,978
Oh, my God --
his cause of death
206
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,545
was getting eaten by
an alligator.
207
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:25,026
- Eaten.
Yes.
208
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:28,246
- But wait, it says he died
nine months before I was born.
209
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,074
Wait, how is that possible?!
210
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:35,340
- Well, just as you were
conceived, the gator,
211
00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:37,865
he chomp him off my body!
212
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:38,996
- Oh, my God!
213
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,432
This explains everything!
214
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:41,695
My fear of gators!
215
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,262
My fear of being conceived!
216
00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:46,351
[ Wailing ]
217
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,397
[ Slide whistle
descending scale ]
218
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,181
Huh?!
- Fooled you! Is not true.
219
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:54,011
See? Baba make finding dead
father into good time.
220
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:57,101
Come on, back in boat.
Baba paddle this time.
221
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:58,668
Hup!
222
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:01,105
[ Huffing ]
223
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:04,108
- Lonny sucks, and his wife
sucks even more,
224
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,284
but at least we know he's rich!
225
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:07,459
- Pants on, please.
226
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:08,591
- You want to play the game
227
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,114
or win the game?
228
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:12,203
[ Doorbell chimes ]
229
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:13,901
- Hello, sad little panda.
230
00:09:13,944 --> 00:09:16,468
Please go away.
We don't need any knives.
231
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,079
- No, wait.
I'm playing a board game.
232
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:20,777
- Fine.
I'll buy one knife.
233
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:22,387
- Oh.
It's you.
234
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:25,129
- I wanted to say
"Oh, it's you"!
235
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:28,132
- The game revealed
Lonny might be my father.
236
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:31,222
Also, is Joey home?
- Joey's away at candle camp.
237
00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:34,051
I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear the other part.
238
00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:37,054
- Oh, hey, Troph.
Long time no --
239
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:38,708
"Daddy, It's Me!"?
Unh-uh!
240
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,405
I refuse to be breathalyzed.
241
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:42,059
I've made that mistake before.
242
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,800
- Ugh.
- Ouch!
243
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,323
Couldn't you have taken one
from my head?
244
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,282
I'm trying to grow
my Tony Stark!
245
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,240
- Let's get out of here, Annie.
246
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,112
White people give me the creeps.
247
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:52,635
- Mom, we're white, too.
248
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,290
- We're Florida white.
249
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,945
-Not da fathah!
- Phew.
250
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:01,078
Let's just go try on swimsuits
and stand next to each other.
251
00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:02,732
Mama needs a little pick-me-up.
252
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:03,994
- You don't get it.
253
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,953
- Listen, Annie,
having a father's
254
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:08,520
only for more family-oriented
animated shows.
255
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:12,612
Has it even occurred to you
that maybe he is not
256
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,918
in your life for a good reason?
257
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,441
- You're the reason!
258
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:19,009
If I'd known my dad all along,
I'd be a happier,
259
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:22,186
more well-adjusted,
beach-ready type of girl.
260
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:23,971
- You can't be that
well-adjusted
261
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:26,277
if your breasts
are two different sizes.
262
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,018
That's physics.
- Come on, Annie.
263
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,759
Roll them bones.
264
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,761
Daddy number three
is Jeffrey T.
265
00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:34,677
Proceed to the route, just
45 minutes back across town.
266
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:37,114
120 if avoiding toll roads.
- Ugh! That's it!
267
00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:39,508
If you insist on
finding your father,
268
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:41,684
let me see
if I can speed this up.
269
00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:43,468
- Are you sure
this isn't gonna backfire?
270
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:45,775
You don't know how your death
powers really work, right?
271
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:47,777
- I don't know how cocaine
works either, Annie.
272
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:50,127
I just know it helps
the time pass.
273
00:10:50,171 --> 00:10:53,130
We're goin' in!
[ Annie gasps ]
274
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:55,350
- Aaah!
[ Slams ]
275
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:01,312
- Why are we in
my gym teacher's house?!
276
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:04,011
- You mean our gym teacher --
back in the day, he'd say,
277
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:05,577
"Hit the showers", but he meant,
278
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,231
"Stand in the shower
clean and naked
279
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,885
until I get a free moment."
280
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,713
Consent used to be
more subjective.
281
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,889
- Not really.
Can they see us?
282
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:15,849
- No, I believe the "Jumanji"-ing
got mixed with
283
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:17,851
a Ghost of Christmas Past-ing
kinda thing.
284
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:20,505
We're looking at the life
you could have led
285
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:23,160
had you grown up with a father.
Shh!
286
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,510
- ...98, 99 100.
287
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:27,251
Alright, Annie,
eyes on the prize.
288
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,340
Just 200 more laps
around the futon.
289
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,734
I want you staying fit
and tight.
290
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:34,606
- This could-be daddy requires
more personal fitness
291
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,913
and less body acceptance
than I imagined.
292
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:40,264
- Oh, so you don't fond
this alt-life amazing?
293
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:43,833
Little Miss "I Got Suspended
For Eating in the Locker Room"?
294
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:47,750
- It's not my fault jumping jacks
give me chicken cravings.
295
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:50,448
- Aw, damn it.
- This guy shoots blanks.
296
00:11:50,492 --> 00:11:51,885
Literally!
Figuratively!
297
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,364
- Damn.
- Physically. Emotionally.
298
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,627
-Not the daddy!
299
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,064
- I'll admit, I'm relieved.
300
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:59,066
I hate wearing flip-flops
in the shower.
301
00:11:59,109 --> 00:12:01,372
Who's next?
Aaah!
302
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,548
Oh.
The house got "Jumanji"'d too?
303
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:05,028
What else can you "Jumanji"?
304
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,726
- Your damn go-getter attitude.
305
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:09,250
- Ooh, this daddy
looks attentive.
306
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:10,860
- Come on, Annie!
307
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:12,122
Time to practice!
308
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,602
If you don't land
the basket toss,
309
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,430
we're gonna lose
our energy drink sponsorship.
310
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:17,867
Then we can't afford
to self-publish my book
311
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:20,478
on how to make money off your
child's corporate sponsorships!
312
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,872
- Almost finished
with my spray tan.
313
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,308
- I remember him.
314
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,136
He was our school mascot.
315
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,399
We did it inside the costume
at halftime.
316
00:12:28,443 --> 00:12:31,576
- Ow!
- Aren't any of my daddy options,
317
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:32,882
how do I say this --
- Daddy...
318
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,319
- ...better people?
- Nope.
319
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,757
They're all humanity's versions
of unfinished basements.
320
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,802
Look, I was a needy young girl.
321
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,412
Baba didn't have much to give,
322
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,763
and she wouldn't even tell me
who my father was.
323
00:12:43,806 --> 00:12:45,503
- Well, too bad!
324
00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:48,593
I'm gonna have a dad in my life
and it's gonna be awesome!
325
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,987
-Sperm squad,
is this a touchdown?
326
00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:54,512
- N-O-T Your D-A-D!
327
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:56,601
- Whoa!
328
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:59,996
- Why didn't I think to try
the virtual directory earlier?
329
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,087
Okay, the only grave
I haven't checked is...
330
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,175
[ Gasps ]
- Last one.
331
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:08,135
Baba have good feeling.
332
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:09,658
- Dad? Father?
333
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:13,140
Is it you?
334
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:16,926
- Son Pete, you're the son
I always wanted, my son.
335
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:19,842
- It's him! It's him!
I found my daddy!
336
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:23,019
- Bingo! Now we go home.
337
00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:26,153
- Son Pete, give Pappy
some butterfly kisses.
338
00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:27,632
- You got it, Dad!
339
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:30,026
I knew we'd have the same level
of comfort
340
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,637
in terms
of intra-family intimacy.
341
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,944
I knew we would.
- Peter, come.
342
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:36,685
You get pink eye
from dead father.
343
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,818
- But we haven't even
compared ankles yet.
344
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:41,037
Dad and I
have a lot to discuss.
345
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,952
First of all, tell me
about my conception.
346
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:45,389
Baba always skips
the good parts.
347
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:48,523
- That's between me
and your mother.
348
00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:52,396
- [ Gasps ] Fathers shouldn't
keep secrets. I hate you!
349
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,878
- Dearest son Pete, I hated
my old man's hologram, too.
350
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:59,534
He was always drunk and trying
to hit me with his holo-fists.
351
00:13:59,577 --> 00:14:02,754
I want to be a different kind
of posthumous father.
352
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,495
Butterfly kiss?
353
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:08,543
- How can I stay mad at you
when we're so much alike?
354
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:11,372
- It's not that I'm afraid
your life
355
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,069
will be better with your dad.
356
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:15,855
It's that I know
it will be worse.
357
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,031
Attention-starved soon-to-be
teen mommies
358
00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,685
sleep with losers, okay?
359
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:22,687
Can we please go home now?
- No!
360
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:25,255
Even if my daddy was a scumbag
15 years ago,
361
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:26,996
he might have turned
his life around.
362
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,694
Like Ben Affleck
or Bill Clinton.
363
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,348
- Not really the best examples.
364
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,916
- Where's your "Jumanji" spirit?
365
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,919
- Fine!
But let's fifth gear this thing.
366
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,880
- Oh. Okay.
367
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:42,272
Even though we're unhoused,
368
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,101
I bet my dad
still provides me with love.
369
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:47,103
Oh, my God. Let it be him.
370
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:48,713
He's an actual good person.
371
00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:52,239
- I knew Tommy would
never amount to anything.
372
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:55,720
- Not the daddy!
- Ow!
373
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:57,766
Jesus...
374
00:14:57,809 --> 00:15:00,029
is my father?
375
00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:01,378
- It's a community
theater production
376
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,814
of "Jesus Christ Superstar."
377
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,904
How old do you think I am?
- Oh.
378
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:07,428
So he's an actor?
- No.
379
00:15:07,471 --> 00:15:10,561
It's Jean Paul,
the lighting guy up there.
380
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,824
Except I thought
we just did butt stuff.
381
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:16,306
- Couldn't be the daddy!
- Ow.
382
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:19,092
- Ah. The world's tallest Mormon,
Norman.
383
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,920
I did him to try to get into
384
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:23,139
"The Guinness Book
of World Records."
385
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:26,751
- Not sure turtlenecks or forced
child marriage are my thing.
386
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:30,494
- You watch, Annie.
It's only gonna get worse.
387
00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:33,410
- Not the daddy!
388
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:36,326
- Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.
389
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:40,504
- [ Raspy breathing ]
390
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:42,985
- Who is that guy?
- Can we leave, please?
391
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:44,639
- Let's see --
392
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:48,773
neck tattoo, balding,
smells like chicken fingers.
393
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,863
Oh! Okay, yep, my high school
best friend's father.
394
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:54,257
He also taught me
how to ride a bike.
395
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:56,346
Hey!
You're not supposed to see me!
396
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,435
- I see you, Trophy.
397
00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:00,960
I've always seen you.
398
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,309
- Not the daddy!
399
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:03,963
- Annie, we're going home
right now.
400
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:06,095
Daddy or no daddy.
- Just one more.
401
00:16:06,139 --> 00:16:08,315
And can't we bring this Annie
with us at least?
402
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:12,014
Please! I need to save her!
403
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:15,278
Whoa! Finally!
404
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:17,846
This is the "Mamma Mia" ending
I deserve!
405
00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:21,110
[ Grunts, inhales deeply ]
406
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:23,983
He smells like feta
and oregano.
407
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,028
- Stephanos here
revenge-porned me
408
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:28,465
into working in his parents'
diner for a whole semester.
409
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,337
Please don't make me
keep doing this!
410
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:33,818
- He's making me saganaki!
- Opa!
411
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,124
- I can't take it anymore, Annie!
Come on.
412
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:36,908
I'll buy you one of those
pepperoni-stuffed
413
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:38,649
hot dogs you love.
414
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,738
I'm sorry I called them
a metaphor for cannibalism.
415
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:43,132
Please.
- If you want to leave, leave.
416
00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:44,481
I'm staying.
- Fine.
417
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:45,874
Go ahead and see for yourself.
418
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:48,224
Real Mommy out!
419
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,922
- Great! Finally!
Just me and Papa.
420
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:53,882
- Mmmm. Nom, nom, nom, nom.
No, no, Annie.
421
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:56,841
[ Speaking Greek ] Okay.
422
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,756
It's time.
423
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,064
- Not the daddy!
- Aah!
424
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,240
- Do you have a freckle here?
425
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:05,937
- No.
- Ah.
426
00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:09,245
How about here?
- No.
427
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:11,421
- Okay, so far,
we're zero for 88.
428
00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:12,901
That's okay. That's okay.
429
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,685
Next question, do you like --
- Time to go.
430
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,078
You had enough time
with Father.
431
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:17,601
You man now?
432
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:20,778
Maybe you no longer need Baba.
Ha!
433
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:23,346
- But Baba,
you're my best friend.
434
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,045
- Mother cannot be best friends.
435
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,351
- What about Rory and Lorelai?
436
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:29,613
- Oh, Petey.
437
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:32,877
Okay. I best friend.
438
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:35,097
Game over.
Time to take Baba home.
439
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,186
Wrap thighs. Chafed.
440
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:41,277
- Let me just say goodbye.
- Yeah.
441
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:44,802
- Dad, I love you,
and I wish you were alive.
442
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,109
You're really smart
and you're cool,
443
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:50,939
and you've helped me understand
myself genetically and sexually.
444
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:52,723
I'd like to get a photo.
445
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,421
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
446
00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,249
P-Dawg out!
447
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:57,815
Meet you in the car, Baba!
448
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,469
Oh, sorry, Pete Senior.
449
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:01,558
I was so distracted from meeting
my dad, I didn't see you coming.
450
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:04,909
- Not a problem, Petey.
- Thanks for doing hologram.
451
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:07,086
- Damn. Every time.
452
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,957
You sure you don't want
to tell him?
453
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,091
- Baba all the parent Pete need.
454
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,223
- Okay.
455
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:15,964
[ Both moaning ]
456
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:18,227
- You wonderful lover.
457
00:18:18,271 --> 00:18:19,315
Terrible father.
458
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,579
- Okay.
459
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:25,930
- A raisin?
She flupped a raisin.
460
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,759
Ugh, get me out of here.
Wait, where are the dice?
461
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,283
Trophy, where are the dice?
462
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,328
- Ooh.
463
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:35,592
Are they in your pocket?
464
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:37,768
- I don't have pockets!
465
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:40,423
Let me guess, this is payback
for making you walk down
466
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,121
Recovered Memory Lane?
467
00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:45,950
Well, hope your father
does a good job raisin you.
468
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,778
I gotta find a way out of here,
fast!
469
00:18:47,822 --> 00:18:50,651
[ Breathing heavily ]
470
00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:53,828
[ Groans ]
471
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:57,266
- ♪ How did daddy's little girl
get so big? ♪
472
00:18:57,310 --> 00:19:00,139
You're gonna want to buckle
your seatbelt,
473
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,792
check your rearview mirror,
pull over,
474
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:04,665
and let Daddy teach you
how to parallel park.
475
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:07,624
- Okay. Aah! Who are you?
476
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,278
- I'm your mom's old beau,
George.
477
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,889
And I train gators
to attack homeless people.
478
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:14,283
Now, did you put on enough
sunscreen today, darlin'?
479
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,155
- No! Stop!
480
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,678
- ♪ Bum-bum-bum-bum-
bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
481
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:18,896
♪ Ease up on the gas
We going too fast ♪
482
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,333
♪ We gonna crash
483
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:22,987
- Ugh! Stop!
You're helicopter-daddying me!
484
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:26,730
I can't think! Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
485
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:29,559
May I help you, officer?
- Hi, there.
486
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:31,474
Do you know why
I pulled you over, sweetie?
487
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:33,084
- No?
488
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:34,390
- You forgot to drink
all your milk and give Daddy
489
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,826
a hug goodbye this morning.
490
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,741
I'm grounding you, young lady.
491
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:40,222
- Stop it!
- Annie, honey!
492
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,006
Can you help me in the yard?
493
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,879
This should get the boys
at school to "leaf" you alone.
494
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,837
Eh?
- Ahh! Dad jokes!
495
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:49,231
- Eh?
- And dad jeans!
496
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,233
Ah! Kirk has a twin brother?
- Hold still.
497
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:52,930
You got a little schmutz
on your face.
498
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:54,845
Let me help you.
Hold still.
499
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,195
- No...
500
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,022
- Hey, hun,
you want me to proofread
501
00:19:58,066 --> 00:19:59,328
your social studies report?
502
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,677
You know I don't care
about grades.
503
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:03,550
I just want to make sure
you did your best.
504
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:05,334
- Et tu, board game announcer?
505
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:08,772
- I thought we had a real
daddy/daughter thing going here.
506
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,600
- Annie, Annie!
Here comes Daddy!
507
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:13,516
- I'm not mad, Annie!
I'm just disappointed!
508
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,126
- Stop!
- Tell Daddy you love him!
509
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,955
- Stop! You're not my daddy!
You're not my daddy!
510
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:20,915
Stop! You're not my daddy!
511
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,396
I don't want a daddy!
512
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,790
I don't need a daddy!
513
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:32,056
[ Bell dings ]
- Congratulations!
514
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,797
You won the game, Annie!
515
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:36,713
- I thought you won
when you found your father?
516
00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:38,367
- Not with your options.
517
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:41,109
The only way for you to win
is to stop playing.
518
00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,545
But just so you know,
I think we had something
519
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:45,548
really special
back there, pumpkin.
520
00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:47,768
- Well, well, well.
Welcome home, Gator Tater.
521
00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:49,639
You find what
you were looking for?
522
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:52,251
- No.
Your taste in men is horrific.
523
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:54,818
And dads are more annoying
than I ever imagined.
524
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:57,473
- Look, a girl needs a father,
525
00:20:57,517 --> 00:21:01,825
like a fish needs a father
to teach her how to ride a bike,
526
00:21:01,869 --> 00:21:04,741
especially if the fish
is a deadbeat creep,
527
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:09,485
and you already know
how to ride a bike, Annie?
528
00:21:09,529 --> 00:21:12,314
Do you see what I'm saying?
- Not really.
529
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:15,404
- What if I told you that
your dad loves you very much
530
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:18,102
and is really proud
of the woman you're becoming?
531
00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:21,671
- You do know who my father is?
- Not exactly.
532
00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:24,326
But if I did,
and if we could find him,
533
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:27,286
and if he could stay
out of rehab long enough
534
00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:30,593
to get to know you,
I know that's what he'd say.
535
00:21:30,637 --> 00:21:31,942
- Yow!
- Nut shot! Yes!
536
00:21:31,986 --> 00:21:33,814
- Annie, guess what?
537
00:21:33,857 --> 00:21:39,123
I met my dad, and he's dead,
but we're exactly alike.
538
00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:41,125
Damn. Every time?
539
00:21:41,169 --> 00:21:44,955
- Well, I ended up learning that
I'm better off without a dad.
540
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:46,174
- Don't sweat it, kiddo
541
00:21:46,217 --> 00:21:49,351
'cause dads still aren't
as cool as moms.
542
00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:51,135
- That's right, Petey.
543
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:53,442
No one here know their father,
not even Baba. We fine.
544
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:56,706
Now shut trap
and watch nut shot.
545
00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:58,969
Oh!
He won't be daddy anytime soon!
546
00:21:59,013 --> 00:22:02,016
[ Laughter ]
547
00:22:02,059 --> 00:22:03,713
Baba love this show!
548
00:22:06,368 --> 00:22:08,022
- ♪ Oh, Annie
549
00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:12,331
♪ I'm not your daddy
550
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:15,334
♪ Mama's baby's papa's baby
551
00:22:15,377 --> 00:22:17,031
♪ Oh, Annie
552
00:22:19,294 --> 00:22:20,774
♪ I'm not your daddy
553
00:22:20,824 --> 00:22:25,374
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