Original subtitles

-Look down. See your hands. See the skin covering them.

This thin layer separating you from the filthy world,

a world that can make you sick, even dead.

Every day you shake hands with this world, a feculent siren

beckoning you towards the great blackness.

When you are taken there, it is only the void. In death, you are alone,

and that is why we always wash our hands.

-You heard the Teach. What do we do after touching our crevices?

-Wash our hands.

-No more talk, The Goof. Now it is time for action. Show them!

Harder, faster...

-How have they been on the air for over 60 years?

-Ratings are abysmal, but Teach and The Goof are contractually guaranteed

the time slot until we can find a replacement

-Clean yourself. In cleanliness, find redemption!

-What's the hold up?

-Every time we've tried out a potential replacement,

they've either had a mental breakdown, or a terrible accident.

It's almost like people who choose to entertain children are emotionally stunted,

half-people who can't deal with life.

-[children laughing] -Liplore: The Funtses are about to walk to the ring,

a noble tradition ending in marriage. I am so hungry.

-Damn it, Liplore! Those aren't food.

They're the cameras! Now, no one can see us.

-[children laugh]

-You like them? -Yeah, it's funny.

-"Emotionally stunted half-people," huh?

Get me Cooch and Liplore.

-[theme music playing]

-[whistling]

-American Ranger, you look awfully chipper today.

-Yes, I do, Rex. It turns out, my fight with the Soviet Slayer was seen by millions,

and one of those millions just happened to be my son.

-A son? -Whoa.

-What? How?

-Apparently, one of my pre-war dalliances during basic training was fruitful.

-You had unprotected sex? Seems reckless for a symbol of America.

-It was as simpler time, Robobot.

We thought, if our lips never touched, we were in the clear.

-[doorbell rings] -Ooh, that's my Amazon order.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

-Anyway, I'm off to meet... -Ah, ah, ah.

Uh-huh. Of course. Yeah. Uh-huh, yep. Right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

-What do you have there? -No, no, no, no. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

-Just a couple of electronic... -Shhh!

Right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

-Well, why do you need a-- -Rex, please!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Great. Talk to you later.

-Well, what the hell was that all about? -Sorry, Rex, that's private.

-[shouting] -Okay, okay, okay!

It turns out making Cooch and Liplore call Ranger's fight

was Steve Jobs-level thinking different. They've gone viral!

-Ooh, and how much does getting viral pay?

-Let's find out together. The execs at KFN want to meet us,

and I bet they're putting together one hang of an offer. Let's move.

-I'm off to meet the fruit of my loins in the park.

It's time to step up to the plate and fulfill my fatherly duties.

-Ranger, have you thought about--

-This is fatherhood, Rex. You don't think. You just make it work.

-What's going on with you, Robobot?

-Sorry, can't chat. Running out for some polygigachips. Routine maintenance, you get it. Bye!

-[sighs]

-[chuckling] Gary, baby. Mwah! Mwah!

-Uh, have we met before?

-No, but we're all in the industry, right?

-Cooch and Liplore are top-shelf talent. The bidding starts at six figures.

This is just a get-to-know-you meeting. We have what we think

is an exciting opportunity for both of you.

-And me. -Is this your agent?

-No idea. -We're a little confused by what we're doing here.

-That makes two of us.

-This is Teach and The Goof. They have an educational

children's show that we are looking to augment.

-Replace, you mean.

-We haven't made any decisions. We're just feeling each other out.

-Of course. So, Cooch, what is your philosophy on children's education?

-Pretty against it. School sucks.

What's wrong with instinct? Never steered me wrong.

Snake! [snarling]

Nope, that's just a piece of tape.

What were we talkin' about?

-Children's education!

-As a slave, the Subtopian children would often

hound me, raining blows and insults upon me,

safe in the knowledge that I could not retaliate.

Would I like to teach them a lesson? Big-time.

-This won't work. Children's television requires years of training

in child psychology, and a deep respect for education!

-Let's just see how they fit in.

-Yes, let's see, indeed. -[suspenseful music]

-This is it, Ranger.

One of these rapscallions is your son. I have a son.

-Dad?

-Bug off, pervert. I'm a father, and I'll be damned if I stand here

while you lurk around, studying these children.

-No, I'm Eugene Hasker. I'm your son.

-Oh! A full-grown not-quite- strapping man.

I guess-- I guess that makes a little more sense.

Decided not to come in uniform? I'd love to see all your medals.

-I was branch manager at the Wilcox Dollar Store for 35 years.

-Wow, the apple really launched off the tree this time.

-And we have a lot to catch up on. I've got a pot of coffee brewing in my condo.

-Not a homeowner, then?

-I don't even own my own condo.

-[whistles] Uh, I'm just... overwhelmed with a lot of new and wonderful emotions.

-Me, too. Let's go get that coffee.

-I'd love to. Black?

-Oh, no. I need my cream and sugar. Decaf, of course.

-[sighing] Okay...

-[dramatic music]

-Come on, Lex. Where are you? -Where, indeed?

-Sergeant Agony, I don't remember making you a key.

-And I don't remember picking your lock. Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

-What's all this? -Oh, I was just looking for a place to take a vacation.

-With Titanium Lex?

-Now where is she, again? -What do you want, Agony?

-Something is going on, and I know it concerns Lex.

So, this little truffle pig went digging.

Someone's been buying some awfully interesting items on the League's credit cards,

and the items aren't being delivered to the mansion. You know anything about that, Rex?

-No...

-Where are the items, Rex?! Where are the electronic transformers and polygigachips?!

-I've never heard of a polygigachip in my life.

Now get out of my abandoned pizza restaurant, or I'll kick your ass out!

-Fine, but I'm on to you, motherfucker! I'm all the way on to you!

-Polygigachips.

-[dramatic music] -Robobot.

-♪ You've had enough of playing ♪

♪ Your behavior is proof ♪

♪ Too much fun is bad for you ♪

♪ And you don't want to be... ♪

-The Goof!

-It's time to learn!

Life is chaos. The only order your little minds will ever know is here, in arithmetic.

-Those numbers are scary. Can't we play with a ball?

-The Goof, so unsightly and weak

We don't want to be The Goof, do we, children?

Do we?!

-No.

So, these kids are being punished?

Her voice is giving me flashbacks to the Subtopian slave camps.

When you understand them, numbers are simple, so simple

even a cat and a lump of rocks could figure it out.

But don't take my word for it.

Cooch, Limplore.

-The name is Liplore, by the way.

Limplore is my uncle. He got drunk and hugged my sister wrong.

Let's just say, we don't see him anymore.

-Enough!

Teach the children, if you think you can do my job better than I can.

-I don't know. I can barely count to 10.

-I doubt you could even do that.

-Yuh-huh I even taught Liplore. -We came up with a little ditty about it.

-We certainly don't have time for a--

-[note plays] Try to keep up, fellas. -[upbeat music plays]

-♪ When you're backed into a corner and have to count to 10 ♪

♪ "The Number Song" is your very best friend ♪

-♪ Number 1 is simple and starts our song ♪

-♪ It's easy to remember 'cause it's shaped like a dong ♪

-♪ Number 2 is code for taking a dump ♪

-♪ Number 3 on its side looks like lady lumps ♪

-♪ Number 4 is the number of your fingers and thumbs ♪

-That's not accurate!

-♪ We'll skip number 5, that number is dumb ♪

-♪ 6 is the size of the average wang ♪

♪ But a lot of dudes lie, so measure that thing ♪

-These are children!

-♪ Lucky number 7's Cooch's favorite scratcher ♪

-♪ Each week has 8 days, ain't that a head-scratcher? ♪

9, also known as 3 to the second power,

is the highest single-digit Arabic numeral.

-♪ And now we've reached the end ♪

♪ Our little song ends at 10 ♪

♪ The largest number in the world ♪

-Ain't no number higher than 10, y'all, and that's math.

-Do you mind if I eat this chalk? It's a delicacy where I come from.

-I think I've proven my point. -[cheers and applause]

-Why is he smiling? Why is he smiling?

-Say what you will about that song. They nailed 9, nailed it to the wall.

-Shut up, The Goof!

-I called this little one "Hungry Man,"

'cause every time I'd put a Hungry Man in the microwave,

he'd start sniffing around my heels,

even though he knew full well it wasn't cat food.

-[sighs]

-Oh, gosh, I knew I shouldn't have told you about the cats. I'm blowing this!

-What?! No! Everything's great.

-You don't have to lie. I know I'm a disappointment.

-Non...sense. I love cats. I live with one.

Bring on the next scrapbook! What's this?

"Things to do with my dad." This looks like it was written by a child.

It was. I used to keep a list of all the things I would want

to do with my dad, if I ever met him.

Oh, but it's stupid.

It's the furthest thing from stupid.

I vow, here and now, that we will complete

this entire list together, as father and son.

And we'll start with a... horsey ride.

-I was just a kid. Ah, it's stupid.

-Nonsense. My word is my bond, and my back is your saddle.

Hop on, little cowboy.

-Giddyup, horsey! Oh! -[smack]

-That's enough of that. Check that off the list, please.

-What do you want to next, Dad?

Rock me to sleep? Give me a bath? Kiss a boo-boo?

-Oh, boy...

-Where are you off to in such a hurry?

-Just heading out. -Where?

-Oh, uh, haven't you heard? KFN wants Cooch and Liplore to guest star on Teach and The Goof.

They're taping this afternoon. I'm a huge fan.

-You know, I didn't know you watched children's television.

-Oh, yes, big into... kid stuff, always have been.

-Well, then, you won't mind if I tag along.

-Are-- are you sure? It's-- it's going to be really boring.

-Well, not to you. Right?

-No, not to me.

-You wanted to see me, Teach?

-Ah, here's our new superstar.

It's my understanding that you and Liplore will be joining the afternoon taping--

your first step towards replacing me, I'm sure.

-Aw, come on. I'll never be as terrifying and boring as you.

-Children's television is a cutthroat world.

I wouldn't dream of sending you out there without some tricks of the trade.

-Cool.

-Your education is about to begin.

-[dramatic music]

-[dramatic music]

Ahh!

-See the world in all its chaos.

There is no refuge. There is no escape.

Let my voice guide you to your end, and

at that end, find... madness!

-Cool. Can I get some Red Vines?

-What? How can you even speak? My device is having no effect on you.

-Don't be so hard on yourself.

It's better than that piece of shit Leprechaun 9: The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia.

Could use some dialogue, maybe a Sasquatch? I don't know.

-But your mind should be obliterated.

-No, feeling pretty relaxed, actually. Guess I'll go get my own Red Vines. See you.

-What are we gonna do now?

-Whatever we have to, The Goof. Whatever we have to.

-Wow, look at all this Teach and The Goofmemorabilia.

This must be Valhalla for a superfan like you.

-Yeah... sure.

-Hey, you've been doing such a great job, I want to reward you...

Here. Well, go ahead, put it all on. Now.

-[sighs] Great. I love it.

-Eugene: It's flying! It's flying!

-Okay, great. That's one more off the list. Let's go. Let's go.

-[laughs] Ahhh!

-Catch. -[grunt]

-Fly a kite, check. Push down a slide, check. Play catch, close enough.

With this and the banana split I watched you gum through with your teeth out...

-My dentures don't fit properly.

-Little solace to those who had to watch.

Okay, looks like we're at the end here. A taping of Teach and The Goof.

-It was my favorite television show when I was a boy.

-This television show has been on since the '50s?

-It's the longest-running children's show of all time.

I suppose we should wrap this baby up. Then we can go to the more traditional

father-son twice-a-year 10-minute phone call. Let's move!

-Wow, you must feel great in that getup.

-A-Absolutely. L-Like I said, I'm a superfan.

-Of course you are.

That's why I can't wait to see you burn through these trivia questions.

-"Teach refused to stop teaching the metric system, claiming

the standard system is for mongrels, in what year?"

-Uh... -[beeping]

-1975.

-"The Goof has referred to his costume, that Teach never allows him to be seen out of

"as, A: A barely mobile iron maiden;

"B: a relationship-destroying albatross; or C: exactly what

a dirty boy like me deserves." Boy, that's some dark shit.

-We escaped the fall of Berlin. We did things to get to America we dare not whisper about.

-Oh, you mean the sex stuff?

-Quiet, The Goof! It was easier to conduct my experiments

on the minds of children in the Fatherland.

But we found a way to continue our show, and now this cat

and rock golem plot to take it from us.

We know what happens to those who take what is ours, don't we?!

-Yes, Mistress.

-Next question... -When does this game end?

-Chutney the Clown was added to the show in the late '70s as a possible replacement

for Teach. How many episodes did Chutney last?"

-[beeping]

-One episode...

-Right. Next question... -Rex, shut up.

-What? -[beeping]

-Every guest star on Teach and The Goofhas been driven insane, maimed or murdered.

Teach is up to something.

-How do you know that? -I've been Googling the damn answers to the questions, okay?

-Will you just move?! Cooch and Liplore are in danger!

-Gary: [from behind door] You're on in five, Teach.

-Children are monsters. I have spent my life taming them.

If I have become a monster myself, so be it.

-You completely have, by the way.

-Let's go teach these usurpers their final lesson.

-Oh, boy. I can't wait. Teach and The Goof with my dad.

-Sperm donor.

-Hi, kids. You are going to get a sneak peek

at a brand-new segment-- "Cooch's Corner."

-[children cheering]

-Yeah, sure, Teach. I'll climb the rafters and drop a light on Cooch's head.

Not like I'm covered in 150 fucking pounds of foam rubber.

-[suspenseful music] -[cheering]

-All right, you little sons of bitches. Let's learn some shit.

-[cheers and applause] -We'll work on the language.

-Who wants a hit from the A-Quesadilla 47?

-Oh! It's hot! Ouch!

-Ah, there appears to be a large piece of chalk laying here.

-What should he do with it, kids? -[chanting "Eat it!"]

-It's not in the script, but if you say so. [gulps]

-Oh, what do you know? [grunts] The socket wrench wasn't made

for people with [grunts] goddamn oven mitts on.

-[grunts] -[suspenseful music]

-[beeping]

-Rex, look!

-[air whooshing in slow-motion]

-Move! [grunts]

-No!

-Your little scheme wasn't strong enough for Subtopian skin

My back! Get this piece of shit off me!

-I don't know what is happening, but I'm into it!

-[gasping] -Silence!

-[clicks] -The rock golem has eaten a bomb.

If my show is to die, then so will all of you,

in cleansing fire!

-Good god! This isn't part of the show!

-Dad? I thought we were watching together?

-Oh, Eugene, I'm a hero, damn it.

I thought I could salvage this by completing your hellish Dad list, but let's face it:

I'm not cut out to be a father.

[grunts]

-Stay back! -Ohh.

-Stay back, or I'll cut his throat.

-You've already got the dead-man switch.

Do you need to threaten to cut my head off?

-Shut up! -Liplore: Stop.

I know what you are feeling, The Goof. I, too, was once a slave.

My master was a powerful Subtopian overlord, and yours is a 100-year-old woman.

So I get it. It's kind of apples and oranges.

-Get to it! -I will get there, I will.

You don't have to live like this. Be your own The Goof.

-I've taken your abuse for years. I was the butt of every joke.

You wouldn't let me take this suit off for my father's funeral,

for Christ's sake, and it was Louisiana in the summer! That's it!

[grunting]

-Buddy, your arms aren't gonna reach.

-Traitor!

-"A" to the motherfucking quesadilla, homeboy!

-[gasps]

-[gasps] The kids! -My son!

-[dramatic music]

-[clicks, beeping]

-[explosion, rumbling]

O... kay...

No!

-Arrest this woman! And get these two a television show!

-[cheers and applause]

-You protected me!

-You called me son. -Did I?

-Your fatherly instincts kicked in. You are my dad.

-I guess I am.

-It's time to start a new list, a list of things we're gonna do

every weekend, from here on out.

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Good thing that bomb was no match for your stone stomach.

-Actually, I'm not sure that's true. Lots of things

rattling around in there, should probably get an x-ray.

-Hey. Where'd Robobot go?

-[groaning]

[groaning] Let me out!

-Oh, Lex, you know I cannot do that.

-I'm sorry I'm late. I had a hard time losing Rex.

-How is she? -We don't have much time.

If we don't cure her soon, she'll be lost for good.

-[door opens] -Oh, shit.

-What the fuck?!

-[theme music playing]

-[monkey chatters] -Man: Stupid monkey.

-[paper tearing] -[monkey cry]

-[slap]

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