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1
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:12,753
-Look down. See your hands.
See the skin covering them.
2
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:17,225
This thin layer separating you
from the filthy world,
3
00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:20,888
a world that can make
you sick, even dead.
4
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:25,204
Every day you shake hands
with this world, a feculent siren
5
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:28,333
beckoning you towards
the great blackness.
6
00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:32,896
When you are taken there,
it is only the void. In death, you are alone,
7
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:36,466
and that is why we
always wash our hands.
8
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:40,645
-You heard the Teach.
What do we do after touching our crevices?
9
00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:43,173
-Wash our hands.
10
00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:47,567
-No more talk, The Goof.
Now it is time for action. Show them!
11
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,443
Harder, faster...
12
00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:53,624
-How have they been on
the air for over 60 years?
13
00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:56,802
-Ratings are abysmal,
but Teach and The Goof are contractually guaranteed
14
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:59,149
the time slot until we
can find a replacement
15
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:03,630
-Clean yourself.
In cleanliness, find redemption!
16
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:05,412
-What's the hold up?
17
00:01:05,587 --> 00:01:07,457
-Every time we've tried out
a potential replacement,
18
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:09,942
they've either had
a mental breakdown, or a terrible accident.
19
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:13,903
It's almost like people who
choose to entertain children are emotionally stunted,
20
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,344
half-people who
can't deal with life.
21
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,251
-[children laughing]
-Liplore: The Funtses are about to walk to the ring,
22
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:23,556
a noble tradition ending
in marriage. I am so hungry.
23
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,165
-Damn it, Liplore!
Those aren't food.
24
00:01:25,346 --> 00:01:27,386
They're the cameras!
Now, no one can see us.
25
00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:28,515
-[children laugh]
26
00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:31,396
-You like them?
-Yeah, it's funny.
27
00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:35,529
-"Emotionally stunted
half-people," huh?
28
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:38,844
Get me Cooch and Liplore.
29
00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:41,881
-[theme music playing]
30
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,933
-[whistling]
31
00:02:31,107 --> 00:02:33,627
-American Ranger,
you look awfully chipper today.
32
00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:38,025
-Yes, I do, Rex. It turns out,
my fight with the Soviet Slayer was seen by millions,
33
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:41,811
and one of those millions
just happened to be my son.
34
00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:43,117
-A son?
-Whoa.
35
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,603
-What? How?
36
00:02:45,774 --> 00:02:47,824
-Apparently, one of my
pre-war dalliances during basic training was fruitful.
37
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:51,563
-You had unprotected sex?
Seems reckless for a symbol of America.
38
00:02:51,736 --> 00:02:53,516
-It was as simpler time,
Robobot.
39
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:55,175
We thought, if our lips
never touched, we were in the clear.
40
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,739
-[doorbell rings]
-Ooh, that's my Amazon order.
41
00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:01,266
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
42
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,312
-Anyway, I'm off to meet...
-Ah, ah, ah.
43
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:09,537
Uh-huh. Of course.
Yeah. Uh-huh, yep. Right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
44
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:13,111
-What do you have there?
-No, no, no, no. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
45
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,540
-Just a couple of electronic...
-Shhh!
46
00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,807
Right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
47
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,850
-Well, why do you need a--
-Rex, please!
48
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:25,336
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Great. Talk to you later.
49
00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:28,729
-Well, what the hell
was that all about? -Sorry, Rex, that's private.
50
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:30,564
-[shouting]
-Okay, okay, okay!
51
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:33,172
It turns out making Cooch
and Liplore call Ranger's fight
52
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:36,743
was Steve Jobs-level
thinking different. They've gone viral!
53
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:39,702
-Ooh, and how much
does getting viral pay?
54
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:42,481
-Let's find out together.
The execs at KFN want to meet us,
55
00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:45,657
and I bet they're putting
together one hang of an offer. Let's move.
56
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:48,014
-I'm off to meet the fruit
of my loins in the park.
57
00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:51,064
It's time to step up
to the plate and fulfill my fatherly duties.
58
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,151
-Ranger, have you
thought about--
59
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,450
-This is fatherhood, Rex.
You don't think. You just make it work.
60
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:59,147
-What's going on
with you, Robobot?
61
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:02,546
-Sorry, can't chat. Running out
for some polygigachips. Routine maintenance, you get it. Bye!
62
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,590
-[sighs]
63
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:08,596
-[chuckling]
Gary, baby. Mwah! Mwah!
64
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:10,210
-Uh, have we met before?
65
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,430
-No, but we're all
in the industry, right?
66
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,260
-Cooch and Liplore are
top-shelf talent. The bidding starts at six figures.
67
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:19,610
This is just a get-to-know-you
meeting. We have what we think
68
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:22,521
is an exciting opportunity
for both of you.
69
00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:25,087
-And me.
-Is this your agent?
70
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:29,005
-No idea.
-We're a little confused by what we're doing here.
71
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,621
-That makes two of us.
72
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:34,933
-This is Teach and The Goof.
They have an educational
73
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:38,020
children's show that we
are looking to augment.
74
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,190
-Replace, you mean.
75
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:43,017
-We haven't made
any decisions. We're just feeling each other out.
76
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:48,455
-Of course. So, Cooch,
what is your philosophy on children's education?
77
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,416
-Pretty against it.
School sucks.
78
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,774
What's wrong with instinct?
Never steered me wrong.
79
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,864
Snake!
[snarling]
80
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:57,383
Nope, that's just
a piece of tape.
81
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,648
What were we talkin' about?
82
00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:00,300
-Children's education!
83
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,614
-As a slave, the Subtopian
children would often
84
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:05,570
hound me, raining blows
and insults upon me,
85
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:08,310
safe in the knowledge
that I could not retaliate.
86
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:11,312
Would I like to teach them
a lesson? Big-time.
87
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:15,615
-This won't work.
Children's television requires years of training
88
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:19,143
in child psychology,
and a deep respect for education!
89
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,099
-Let's just see how they fit in.
90
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:25,327
-Yes, let's see, indeed.
-[suspenseful music]
91
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,149
-This is it, Ranger.
92
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:31,717
One of these rapscallions
is your son. I have a son.
93
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,066
-Dad?
94
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:38,636
-Bug off, pervert.
I'm a father, and I'll be damned if I stand here
95
00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:41,426
while you lurk around,
studying these children.
96
00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:45,172
-No, I'm Eugene Hasker.
I'm your son.
97
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:50,521
-Oh! A full-grown not-quite-
strapping man.
98
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:53,088
I guess-- I guess that makes
a little more sense.
99
00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:56,395
Decided not to come
in uniform? I'd love to see all your medals.
100
00:05:56,573 --> 00:06:01,453
-I was branch manager
at the Wilcox Dollar Store for 35 years.
101
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:05,802
-Wow, the apple really launched
off the tree this time.
102
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:10,244
-And we have a lot
to catch up on. I've got a pot of coffee brewing in my condo.
103
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,763
-Not a homeowner, then?
104
00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:14,326
-I don't even own my own condo.
105
00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:20,384
-[whistles] Uh, I'm just...
overwhelmed with a lot of new and wonderful emotions.
106
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,644
-Me, too. Let's go
get that coffee.
107
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:25,037
-I'd love to. Black?
108
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:28,000
-Oh, no. I need my cream
and sugar. Decaf, of course.
109
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:31,300
-[sighing] Okay...
110
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:32,998
-[dramatic music]
111
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:36,825
-Come on, Lex. Where are you?
-Where, indeed?
112
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:40,915
-Sergeant Agony, I don't
remember making you a key.
113
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:44,006
-And I don't remember picking
your lock. Oh, wait. Yes, I do.
114
00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:47,886
-What's all this?
-Oh, I was just looking for a place to take a vacation.
115
00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,669
-With Titanium Lex?
116
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,764
-Now where is she, again?
-What do you want, Agony?
117
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:54,333
-Something is going on,
and I know it concerns Lex.
118
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,891
So, this little truffle pig
went digging.
119
00:06:57,068 --> 00:07:00,198
Someone's been buying
some awfully interesting items on the League's credit cards,
120
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:03,466
and the items aren't being
delivered to the mansion. You know anything about that, Rex?
121
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,950
-No...
122
00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:10,081
-Where are the items, Rex?!
Where are the electronic transformers and polygigachips?!
123
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:13,645
-I've never heard of
a polygigachip in my life.
124
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:17,484
Now get out of my abandoned
pizza restaurant, or I'll kick your ass out!
125
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:22,054
-Fine, but I'm on to you,
motherfucker! I'm all the way on to you!
126
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:23,974
-Polygigachips.
127
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:27,319
-[dramatic music]
-Robobot.
128
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,930
-♪ You've had enough
of playing ♪
129
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:33,242
♪ Your behavior is proof ♪
130
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,669
♪ Too much fun is bad for you ♪
131
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:38,326
♪ And you don't want to be... ♪
132
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:39,631
-The Goof!
133
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:43,637
-It's time to learn!
134
00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:50,641
Life is chaos. The only order
your little minds will ever know is here, in arithmetic.
135
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:54,688
-Those numbers are scary.
Can't we play with a ball?
136
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:58,165
-The Goof, so unsightly and weak
137
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,997
We don't want to be The Goof,
do we, children?
138
00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,827
Do we?!
139
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,695
-No.
140
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:08,226
So, these kids
are being punished?
141
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:12,670
Her voice is giving
me flashbacks to the Subtopian slave camps.
142
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,630
When you understand them,
numbers are simple, so simple
143
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,800
even a cat and a lump of rocks
could figure it out.
144
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:21,887
But don't take my word for it.
145
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,066
Cooch, Limplore.
146
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,162
-The name is Liplore,
by the way.
147
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:30,161
Limplore is my uncle.
He got drunk and hugged my sister wrong.
148
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:32,285
Let's just say,
we don't see him anymore.
149
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,558
-Enough!
150
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:38,041
Teach the children,
if you think you can do my job better than I can.
151
00:08:38,213 --> 00:08:40,693
-I don't know.
I can barely count to 10.
152
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,958
-I doubt you could even do that.
153
00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:47,481
-Yuh-huh I even taught Liplore.
-We came up with a little ditty about it.
154
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,487
-We certainly don't
have time for a--
155
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,879
-[note plays]
Try to keep up, fellas. -[upbeat music plays]
156
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:57,104
-♪ When you're backed into
a corner and have to count to 10 ♪
157
00:08:57,275 --> 00:09:00,705
♪ "The Number Song"
is your very best friend ♪
158
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:04,278
-♪ Number 1 is simple
and starts our song ♪
159
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:07,716
-♪ It's easy to remember
'cause it's shaped like a dong ♪
160
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:11,065
-♪ Number 2 is code
for taking a dump ♪
161
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:15,026
-♪ Number 3 on its side
looks like lady lumps ♪
162
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:18,296
-♪ Number 4 is the number
of your fingers and thumbs ♪
163
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,040
-That's not accurate!
164
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:23,301
-♪ We'll skip number 5,
that number is dumb ♪
165
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:26,345
-♪ 6 is the size
of the average wang ♪
166
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:29,532
♪ But a lot of dudes lie,
so measure that thing ♪
167
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,399
-These are children!
168
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,791
-♪ Lucky number 7's
Cooch's favorite scratcher ♪
169
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:37,794
-♪ Each week has 8 days,
ain't that a head-scratcher? ♪
170
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:40,098
9, also known as 3
to the second power,
171
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,795
is the highest single-digit
Arabic numeral.
172
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:46,283
-♪ And now we've reached
the end ♪
173
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:49,325
♪ Our little song ends at 10 ♪
174
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:53,381
♪ The largest number
in the world ♪
175
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:57,809
-Ain't no number higher than 10,
y'all, and that's math.
176
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:02,168
-Do you mind if I eat
this chalk? It's a delicacy where I come from.
177
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:07,610
-I think I've proven my point.
-[cheers and applause]
178
00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:14,656
-Why is he smiling?
Why is he smiling?
179
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:18,921
-Say what you will about
that song. They nailed 9, nailed it to the wall.
180
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:20,446
-Shut up, The Goof!
181
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,230
-I called this little one
"Hungry Man,"
182
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,625
'cause every time I'd put
a Hungry Man in the microwave,
183
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,499
he'd start sniffing
around my heels,
184
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:31,071
even though he knew full well
it wasn't cat food.
185
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:33,629
-[sighs]
186
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,587
-Oh, gosh, I knew I shouldn't
have told you about the cats. I'm blowing this!
187
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:40,027
-What?! No! Everything's great.
188
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:43,644
-You don't have to lie.
I know I'm a disappointment.
189
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:47,427
-Non...sense. I love cats.
I live with one.
190
00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:50,913
Bring on the next scrapbook!
What's this?
191
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:55,515
"Things to do with my dad."
This looks like it was written by a child.
192
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:58,658
It was. I used to keep a list
of all the things I would want
193
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:01,842
to do with my dad,
if I ever met him.
194
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,322
Oh, but it's stupid.
195
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:08,801
It's the furthest thing
from stupid.
196
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,842
I vow, here and now,
that we will complete
197
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:14,368
this entire list together,
as father and son.
198
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,333
And we'll start with a...
horsey ride.
199
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:20,112
-I was just a kid.
Ah, it's stupid.
200
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:23,548
-Nonsense. My word is my bond,
and my back is your saddle.
201
00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:25,466
Hop on, little cowboy.
202
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,561
-Giddyup, horsey! Oh!
-[smack]
203
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:30,210
-That's enough of that.
Check that off the list, please.
204
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:31,945
-What do you want to next, Dad?
205
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:35,476
Rock me to sleep?
Give me a bath? Kiss a boo-boo?
206
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,221
-Oh, boy...
207
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,184
-Where are you off to
in such a hurry?
208
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,921
-Just heading out.
-Where?
209
00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:47,793
-Oh, uh, haven't you heard? KFN
wants Cooch and Liplore to guest star on Teach and The Goof.
210
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:51,318
They're taping this afternoon.
I'm a huge fan.
211
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:54,763
-You know, I didn't know you
watched children's television.
212
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:58,761
-Oh, yes, big into... kid stuff,
always have been.
213
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:01,415
-Well, then, you won't mind
if I tag along.
214
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:04,250
-Are-- are you sure? It's--
it's going to be really boring.
215
00:12:04,419 --> 00:12:06,729
-Well, not to you. Right?
216
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,470
-No, not to me.
217
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,823
-You wanted to see me, Teach?
218
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:14,732
-Ah, here's our new superstar.
219
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:18,778
It's my understanding that you
and Liplore will be joining the afternoon taping--
220
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:21,995
your first step towards
replacing me, I'm sure.
221
00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:25,606
-Aw, come on. I'll never be
as terrifying and boring as you.
222
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:28,488
-Children's television
is a cutthroat world.
223
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:33,880
I wouldn't dream of sending
you out there without some tricks of the trade.
224
00:12:35,319 --> 00:12:36,839
-Cool.
225
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:42,068
-Your education
is about to begin.
226
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,289
-[dramatic music]
227
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,595
-[dramatic music]
228
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,827
Ahh!
229
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,698
-See the world in all its chaos.
230
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:10,490
There is no refuge.
There is no escape.
231
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:13,489
Let my voice guide you
to your end, and
232
00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:18,062
at that end,
find... madness!
233
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:20,932
-Cool. Can I get some Red Vines?
234
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:25,024
-What? How can you even speak?
My device is having no effect on you.
235
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:27,715
-Don't be so hard on yourself.
236
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:30,724
It's better than that piece
of shit Leprechaun 9: The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia.
237
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:34,377
Could use some dialogue,
maybe a Sasquatch? I don't know.
238
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:37,122
-But your mind
should be obliterated.
239
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:41,394
-No, feeling pretty relaxed,
actually. Guess I'll go get my own Red Vines. See you.
240
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,475
-What are we gonna do now?
241
00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:50,089
-Whatever we have to,
The Goof. Whatever we have to.
242
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:54,494
-Wow, look at all this
Teach and The Goofmemorabilia.
243
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,879
This must be Valhalla
for a superfan like you.
244
00:13:58,054 --> 00:14:00,014
-Yeah... sure.
245
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:05,237
-Hey, you've been doing
such a great job, I want to reward you...
246
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:10,499
Here. Well, go ahead,
put it all on. Now.
247
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:13,715
-[sighs]
Great. I love it.
248
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:15,766
-Eugene:
It's flying! It's flying!
249
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,812
-Okay, great. That's one
more off the list. Let's go. Let's go.
250
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,637
-[laughs]
Ahhh!
251
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,035
-Catch.
-[grunt]
252
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,519
-Fly a kite, check. Push down
a slide, check. Play catch, close enough.
253
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:27,649
With this and the banana split
I watched you gum through with your teeth out...
254
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,433
-My dentures don't fit properly.
255
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,387
-Little solace to those
who had to watch.
256
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:36,747
Okay, looks like we're at
the end here. A taping of Teach and The Goof.
257
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,399
-It was my favorite television
show when I was a boy.
258
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,454
-This television show
has been on since the '50s?
259
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:44,059
-It's the longest-running
children's show of all time.
260
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:47,581
I suppose we should wrap
this baby up. Then we can go to the more traditional
261
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:50,716
father-son
twice-a-year 10-minute phone call. Let's move!
262
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:55,760
-Wow, you must feel
great in that getup.
263
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:59,328
-A-Absolutely. L-Like I said,
I'm a superfan.
264
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,467
-Of course you are.
265
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:06,119
That's why I can't wait
to see you burn through these trivia questions.
266
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:09,596
-"Teach refused to stop teaching
the metric system, claiming
267
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:13,388
the standard system is
for mongrels, in what year?"
268
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:16,004
-Uh...
-[beeping]
269
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:19,605
-1975.
270
00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:26,533
-"The Goof has referred to his
costume, that Teach never allows him to be seen out of
271
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:30,148
"as, A: A barely mobile
iron maiden;
272
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:34,850
"B: a relationship-destroying
albatross; or C: exactly what
273
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:40,331
a dirty boy like me deserves."
Boy, that's some dark shit.
274
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:46,344
-We escaped the fall of Berlin.
We did things to get to America we dare not whisper about.
275
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:48,160
-Oh, you mean the sex stuff?
276
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:51,598
-Quiet, The Goof! It was easier
to conduct my experiments
277
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,476
on the minds of children
in the Fatherland.
278
00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:58,309
But we found a way to continue
our show, and now this cat
279
00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:01,129
and rock golem plot to
take it from us.
280
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:04,088
We know what happens
to those who take what is ours, don't we?!
281
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:07,227
-Yes, Mistress.
282
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:09,971
-Next question...
-When does this game end?
283
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:15,803
-Chutney the Clown was added
to the show in the late '70s as a possible replacement
284
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,065
for Teach. How many episodes
did Chutney last?"
285
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,939
-[beeping]
286
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:23,937
-One episode...
287
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:27,293
-Right. Next question...
-Rex, shut up.
288
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:30,164
-What?
-[beeping]
289
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:32,727
-Every guest star on Teach
and The Goofhas been driven insane, maimed or murdered.
290
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:35,174
Teach is up to something.
291
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:38,042
-How do you know that?
-I've been Googling the damn answers to the questions, okay?
292
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,744
-Will you just move?!
Cooch and Liplore are in danger!
293
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:43,352
-Gary: [from behind door]
You're on in five, Teach.
294
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:48,144
-Children are monsters.
I have spent my life taming them.
295
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:52,971
If I have become
a monster myself, so be it.
296
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,712
-You completely have,
by the way.
297
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:59,243
-Let's go teach these usurpers
their final lesson.
298
00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:04,111
-Oh, boy. I can't wait.
Teach and The Goof with my dad.
299
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:05,634
-Sperm donor.
300
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:08,287
-Hi, kids. You are going
to get a sneak peek
301
00:17:08,462 --> 00:17:11,942
at a brand-new segment--
"Cooch's Corner."
302
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:14,288
-[children cheering]
303
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:17,078
-Yeah, sure, Teach. I'll climb
the rafters and drop a light on Cooch's head.
304
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:20,523
Not like I'm covered in 150
fucking pounds of foam rubber.
305
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,691
-[suspenseful music]
-[cheering]
306
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:30,572
-All right, you little
sons of bitches. Let's learn some shit.
307
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,565
-[cheers and applause]
-We'll work on the language.
308
00:17:32,747 --> 00:17:36,577
-Who wants a hit
from the A-Quesadilla 47?
309
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,356
-Oh! It's hot! Ouch!
310
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:46,372
-Ah, there appears to be
a large piece of chalk laying here.
311
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:49,633
-What should he
do with it, kids? -[chanting "Eat it!"]
312
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:54,507
-It's not in the script,
but if you say so. [gulps]
313
00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:00,253
-Oh, what do you know? [grunts]
The socket wrench wasn't made
314
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,167
for people with [grunts] goddamn
oven mitts on.
315
00:18:03,343 --> 00:18:07,523
-[grunts]
-[suspenseful music]
316
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:17,793
-[beeping]
317
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:18,966
-Rex, look!
318
00:18:21,752 --> 00:18:24,632
-[air whooshing
in slow-motion]
319
00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:26,279
-Move!
[grunts]
320
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,373
-No!
321
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:32,022
-Your little scheme
wasn't strong enough for Subtopian skin
322
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:36,418
My back! Get this
piece of shit off me!
323
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:39,033
-I don't know what is happening,
but I'm into it!
324
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,855
-[gasping]
-Silence!
325
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:44,302
-[clicks]
-The rock golem has eaten a bomb.
326
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:47,951
If my show is to die,
then so will all of you,
327
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,517
in cleansing fire!
328
00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:52,834
-Good god!
This isn't part of the show!
329
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:55,311
-Dad? I thought we
were watching together?
330
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:58,312
-Oh, Eugene,
I'm a hero, damn it.
331
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:02,005
I thought I could salvage this
by completing your hellish Dad list, but let's face it:
332
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,714
I'm not cut out to be a father.
333
00:19:03,881 --> 00:19:04,971
[grunts]
334
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:07,227
-Stay back!
-Ohh.
335
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:09,317
-Stay back,
or I'll cut his throat.
336
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:10,846
-You've already got
the dead-man switch.
337
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,589
Do you need to threaten
to cut my head off?
338
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,810
-Shut up!
-Liplore: Stop.
339
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:18,549
I know what you are feeling,
The Goof. I, too, was once a slave.
340
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:24,512
My master was a powerful
Subtopian overlord, and yours is a 100-year-old woman.
341
00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:26,895
So I get it. It's kind of
apples and oranges.
342
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,558
-Get to it!
-I will get there, I will.
343
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:34,523
You don't have to live
like this. Be your own The Goof.
344
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:40,141
-I've taken your abuse
for years. I was the butt of every joke.
345
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,879
You wouldn't let me take
this suit off for my father's funeral,
346
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:47,661
for Christ's sake, and it was
Louisiana in the summer! That's it!
347
00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:49,618
[grunting]
348
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:53,018
-Buddy, your arms
aren't gonna reach.
349
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,372
-Traitor!
350
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:57,892
-"A" to the motherfucking
quesadilla, homeboy!
351
00:19:58,066 --> 00:19:59,716
-[gasps]
352
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:04,858
-[gasps] The kids!
-My son!
353
00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,419
-[dramatic music]
354
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:09,902
-[clicks, beeping]
355
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:12,298
-[explosion, rumbling]
356
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:15,946
O... kay...
357
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:18,167
No!
358
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:22,737
-Arrest this woman!
And get these two a television show!
359
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,087
-[cheers and applause]
360
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,141
-You protected me!
361
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:30,714
-You called me son.
-Did I?
362
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:34,361
-Your fatherly instincts
kicked in. You are my dad.
363
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:37,017
-I guess I am.
364
00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:40,542
-It's time to start a new list,
a list of things we're gonna do
365
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:42,887
every weekend,
from here on out.
366
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,367
-Oh, for God's sake.
367
00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:49,028
-Good thing that bomb
was no match for your stone stomach.
368
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:51,824
-Actually, I'm not sure
that's true. Lots of things
369
00:20:51,989 --> 00:20:54,859
rattling around in there,
should probably get an x-ray.
370
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:58,386
-Hey. Where'd Robobot go?
371
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,911
-[groaning]
372
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:03,165
[groaning]
Let me out!
373
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:06,609
-Oh, Lex, you know
I cannot do that.
374
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:09,657
-I'm sorry I'm late.
I had a hard time losing Rex.
375
00:21:09,833 --> 00:21:12,363
-How is she?
-We don't have much time.
376
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:16,062
If we don't cure her soon,
she'll be lost for good.
377
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:17,541
-[door opens]
-Oh, shit.
378
00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:21,720
-What the fuck?!
379
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,629
-[theme music playing]
380
00:21:40,864 --> 00:21:42,744
-[monkey chatters]
-Man: Stupid monkey.
381
00:21:42,910 --> 00:21:44,090
-[paper tearing]
-[monkey cry]
382
00:21:44,259 --> 00:21:45,169
-[slap]
383
00:21:45,219 --> 00:21:49,769
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