Original subtitles

♪♪♪

-[wolf howling]

-Voicemail: You've reached the phone of Black Saturn.

I'm not here, so hang up

and text me like a normal person.

Peace! -[beep]

-Hey, Saturn, Courtney here.

Hey, man, I heard you guys were back from the Gods' Realm

and just wanted to say, "I'm still alive."

[laughs]

Remember me? Your-- your sidekick?

The Ringler?

Your best friend?

-Kevin: Could you wrap it up, please?

We need our car.

-Oh, right, forgot I was a valet again for five seconds.

[chuckles] Can't have that, can we?

-Oh, you sound like you have a story to tell.

Want to talk about it?

-Oh, my God. That would be really nice.

Okay. It started when my girlfriend, Portia

broke up with me.

Hey! -I've got him, Kevin. Get the keys.

-On it! Let's roll!

-But my story! -Fuck your story!

We've got shit to do!

-[tires screeching]

-[sighs]

Oh!

[chuckles] Oh, hey, didn't see you there.

Which car were you again?

-Silly boy.

A creature of the night has no use for a car.

I'm here for you.

-Look, I don't do Dirk Digglers anymore. Beat it.

-Eh, you look like a nice guy.

Ten bucks. You can look, but don't touch.

That MINI Cooper work?

What the hell?

-I've come to offer you all the riches of the night,

and in return, you offer a pathetic tug show?

-Uh, can-- can you not pre-judge my tug show, please?

-[roars] -Okay, okay, okay.

What do you want in return for those riches of the night?

-Not much, sweet Courtney.

Only... your soul!

-[Courtney screaming]

-[growling] -[flesh tearing]

-[theme music playing]

-Rex: Storm City has forgotten about us.

Dr. Devizo's team is the League of Freedom

as far as they're concerned.

They think we're a bunch of has-beens.

Well, tonight, we show them they're wrong.

We get back to basics.

Fighting crime, helping people.

That's why we all got into this game.

-Except for Lex, who started out as a villain.

-And will be a villain in the future,

once her insect side takes over.

-But we're in that Goldilocks period where she's still a hero,

so sure, let's roll the dice.

-Come on, guys. -Can I finish?

[clears throat] You're all heroes deep down.

I know that.

Now, let's get out there,

and show this city what you're made of.

-[Saturn sobbing] -Excuse me, Rex, real quick.

Black Saturn is crying.

-[crying] I laid it all on the line for The Groaner.

I handed him my heart,

and he drop-kicked it right back in my face.

-Oh, come here, big guy.

You think you're gonna cry all night?

-Probably!

-Then let's have you check the sewers.

You can make sure Count Crocula

is keeping his nose clean

while you keep those unsightly tears

out of the public eye.

-[sobbing] Okay.

-What are you waiting for?

Let's move, people!

-[moans]

-Wh-- what's the matter, Cooch?

-I'm not feeling so good.

[groans] -You don't have a temperature.

-Yes, I do! I'm burning up!

-Well, I guess I have to take your word for it,

unless you've learned how to use the oral thermometer.

-Nope, just the butt one.

-Yeah, well, then,

your temperature shall remain a mystery.

Get some rest.

-Thanks, Rex.

See ya.

-[alarm ringing]

♪♪♪

-American Ranger is here to keep the city safe

and help little, old ladies cross the street!

-Oh, thank the heavens.

-Oh, it was actually more a figure of speech, but...

-[music stops]

-[strained] This is a great use of time.

♪♪♪

-[sobs]

-Oh, shit!

[gasping]

-[grunting]

-[whooshing]

-Give it up.

-Devizo: Returning stolen property?

I thought you were more into stealing it.

-Devizo, what are you babbling about?

-Liplor, the rock monster from Subtopia.

He's a member of my team,

and I want him back.

-I don't have your stupid rock monster.

-Yes, you do! He was last seen with your cat.

-She has a name.

-Nah. Children present, so I'd rather not say it.

I don't want to end up on a list.

I've got my own team to worry about, Devizo.

I don't have time to babysit yours.

-This isn't over, Rex.

-Not a bad team-up, but don't get used to it.

[dramatically] I work alone.

-Wait. Why would you say that?

-It's just something I say.

-Just doesn't make sense, cause it's not really accurate.

-You could make the case I work alone.

-You're attached to Rex at the hip.

-Okay. I was trying to sound cool.

Can't I sound cool for once?

Wait, Lex! -Huh?

-[grunts]

You like to work alone, huh?

Here ya go!

-No! -Ugh! What the--?

-Lex?

-[chitters, shrieks]

-[gasping] No!

-[bones snap] -[screams]

-Lex, no! -[roars]

-Stop it, Lex. Stop it.

-[groans]

-This is a terrible look on you.

-[Lex panting]

Robobot!

What happened? I'm scared.

-You're not the only one.

-[echoing] Hello?

Count Crocula, you down here?

-Courtney [creepily]: Saturn...

-What?

Courtney?

-Courtney [whispers]: Follow the darkness, Saturn.

-Courtney, stop messing around, okay?

-[Courtney laughs]

-Hey, if this is because I didn't return your messages,

uh, I never got 'em!

-Bullshit!

-[screams]

Whoa! [groans]

-Where are you going?

You can't leave yet.

You haven't heard our offer.

-Oh, shit.

-Courtney?

What happened to you?

You look--

You look freaking amazing!

-I know, right? And look at this.

[grunting]

Huh?

-[laughing] Sick!

What's your secret?

-I am his secret.

They call me Lemans,

and this is Clavarious.

Now bow before your master.

-I just met you, dude.

Back the hell up!

-Courtney, Clavarious, down.

Bow to our savior, Black Saturn.

Claudius Jamison of House Weelehan,

we request your aid in the Dracuvlads' battle

against the Wolfenlykes.

-[laughs] What the hell is a Wolfenlyke?

-[wolf howls]

-They're here.

-[howling, snarling]

-The heir to the Weelehan bloodline

belongs to the Wolfenlykes.

-Luprecious.

So our eternal war continues.

-Yep, that's what "eternal" means.

-Clavarious. -Rolf.

-So, son of both wolf and bat,

which side will you choose?

-I think I'm gonna go ahead and go with...

What the hell are you talking about?!

-Hundreds of years ago,

the Weelehan clan ruled over Transylvania,

but their thirst for power

led them to explore the dark arts.

Vladamir Weelehan became a vampire,

Joan of Weelehan a werewolf.

Soon, their armies were unstoppable

until their own son returned to the family castle

and horrified at what they'd become,

betrayed and murdered them.

Their armies splintered

into the Dracuvlads and Wolfenlykes,

but it was foretold

that one day, a Weelehan would return

to lead one of our sides to victory

and end our war for good.

-Wait a minute. You just turned me into a vampire,

so you could get to him?

-Yes, of course. You're a valet, dude.

What did you think was happening?

-I don't know. I thought you wanted someone

who could make their own hours.

-Well, Claudius of House Weelehan,

which side do you choose?

-Rex: So, how did everyone do last night?

-Well, I burned the whole night with a little old lady

who thought she couldn't cross the street on her own.

Of course, as soon as I walked away,

a bike messenger spun her like a top,

so I guess she was right.

-Lex and I teamed up to stop the ski-mask gang.

-Great! -Well, it was until Lex was attacked

and turned into a... oh! Uh...

-Both: Uh... uh...

-A real... -Very real.

-A real... -Yes?

-...bitch... head.

A real bitch-head.

-Robobot! -No, Dad, he is-- he's right.

Wow! I was.

I was a real bitch-head.

-[Cooch grunting]

You guys gonna eat these cinder blocks?

-No. -Looks like you're feeling better, Cooch.

-What? No, man. [coughs]

I'm so weak, I can barely stand.

[grunting]

-[door closes]

-I'll be right back.

-It's me, Liplor.

You can stop hiding.

-I'm not sure that I am.

-You are! I E.T.'d you good.

Here. I brought you something to eat.

-Mm! [crunching]

-I like having you around, Liplor.

-[sighs] You proved that

when you kidnapped me from the mansion,

but now the new League of Freedom

is looking for me.

We could get in big trouble.

-Not while I'm hiding you.

Oh! Rex!

[coughing]

Anyways, I'm really sick, so see you, see you.

-Take him back now!

-He's my friend! -He doesn't belong to you.

-You know I'm a person, right?

-We can't afford trouble with the government, Cooch.

He goes back today.

-Sorry, bud.

-You can call off the search!

I am back!

-Oh, were you gone?

Rex, I found Saturn.

Hooray.

-Where were you all night?

-It's one hang of a story, Rex.

It turns out I'm the end of a bloodline

that makes me pretty valuable

to both Wolfenlykes and Dracuvlads.

-Oh, no. They're back.

-Who? -Warring cults of vampires

that have been fighting their werewolf counterparts forever.

Saturn, I don't want you hanging out

with those miscreants.

-Sorry, Rex. They're my people.

I got to choose which side I'm gonna join

by tomorrow morning.

That'll show The Groaner.

-You're going to sacrifice your humanity

because The Groaner doesn't like like you?

-Yep! Ran the math!

Adds up. Hard.

-Oh, no, no, no, no.

I am not gonna let you ruin your life

for their stupid, masturbatory war.

-Masturbatory war.

In my day, we fought with guns.

-You can't tell me what to do.

The Wolfenlykes like me.

The Dracuvlads, too!

[sobbing] You're just jealous!

-Dracuvlads and Wolfenlykes in Storm City.

We can't claim to be heroes

if we don't put a stop to this.

-Shouldn't you be focusing on Saturn?

He's flirting with the dark arts.

-Well, when they have their first date,

we need to be there.

-Before he puts his hands up the dark arts' skirt and grab--

You know what? I'm not good at this.

You get my gist.

-Hey, thanks for covering for me back there.

I'll make sure that never happens again.

And, also, what are you doing?

-Constructing a dojo.

I have a lot of training to do.

-Training who?

-You, Lex.

Your insect side manifests when you lose control.

I'm going to see to it that that never happens again.

-How? -By making you like me!

Poised. Unemotional.

-Robotic. -Absolutely.

If you trust me.

-I trust you.

What are you doing?

-Being still.

Are you uncomfortable?

-Yes, I am. -Don't be.

♪♪♪

-Cooch: Come on, Liplor.

We're running away.

-And the big sheet?

-Is your disguise, yes.

-[creaking]

-Whoa! Uh, don't worry, Mr. Ghost.

I'm one of you now.

A creature of the night.

I'm just gonna [screams].

-[whispers] I told you it would work.

Oh! Run!

-Saturn's left,

and I think I know where he's going.

I put a tracking device in his shoe.

[chuckles] Let's go.

-Saturn: Hello?

Hello? -[knocking]

-Dracuvlads?

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

This is your wake-up call, guys!

Rise and shine!

-Okay, okay. We're up. Ugh.

-Oh, damn it! This was my night to sleep in.

-Well, you're gonna want to hear this.

I have made my decision...

-Really?

-...to open the floor to the best offer!

Let the negotiations begin!

-Aw, come on!

-Why should I choose the Dracuvlads?

Wow me.

-Oh, uh...

because... I'm here!

Your former best friend.

-Okay. If you're not gonna take this seriously,

I am out of here.

-Wait. We live forever.

-Ooh, like. -We can fly, entrance our victims.

-A little rapey.

-You get to drink blood.

-Ugh. Is that a must?

-Yes, but I assure you,

it tastes delicious after you've turned.

Courtney? -Yeah!

It tastes like Capri Sun.

-I like Capri Sun. Okay!

I've made my decision. -Excellent.

-I'm gonna talk to the Wolfenlykes

and see if they can match your offer.

-Oh, come on!

-It's the art of the deal, baby! Whoo!

Your training begins.

Pick up the box.

I said, "Pick it up."

-Hey!

-Are you angry, frustrated?

-Yes!

-Don't be.

-Huh.

[Lex groans]

-So, uh, where are we going again?

-That's up to the boxcar we hop on, Liplor.

Damn, I'm hungry.

Bust out some of that food.

-Okay. Uh, what will it be?

The quartz or the magnesite?

You see, the magnesite is a lighter meal,

but the quartz--

-I'm afraid no one is eating tonight, Liplor.

Don't you know naughty boys

get sent to bed without dinner?

-No, I was not aware of that.

It sounds barbaric. No way to raise a child.

-Make it easy on yourself.

Don't run.

-Run!

-Pretty much like I didn't even say anything!

-Get them!

-Luprecious: Increased libido, sense of smell.

Any calories you burn as a werewolf

carry over into your human form.

If you have trouble finding time to exercise,

that could be a plus.

-The howling is cool.

Really freaks people out.

-And I never get tired of biting people.

-The Dracuvlads offered immortality.

-We...

do not have that.

-Uh, looks like I'm walking.

-But you could still go to the beach on a sunny day.

You like the beach, don't you?

-No. I've been working on my eight-pack

for sweater season.

Keep talking!

-We need your bike, kid!

-It's a Razor scooter.

-Fuck you! I said move! -[boy grunts]

-Get on! -Ah! We're moving, we're moving!

-Hey, where is my backup?

-[sirens wailing]

-Uh, does this thing have brakes?

-You don't need brakes when you believe!

Fly, Liplor!

-Do what? -Fly!

-[screaming]

-[grunting, moaning]

-Holy shit!

-Lemans: So, we're offering pick of the coffins,

even mine, lined with the wool of virgin sheep.

It's quite nice.

-You know what we could offer you to sleep in?

A bed!

-Silence. I have made my decision.

C.J. Weelehan is forevermore a...

-Member of the League of Freedom.

Saturn, this has gone far enough.

You don't want to do this.

-Yes, I do!

There's nothing left for me in this mortal world.

I choose the night.

I choose the "Draculoids!"

-Fuck! Everyone wants to sleep in a coffin!

-Okay, Saturn, if that's your choice.

-Rex, what are you doing?

-Go ahead.

-Okay. Bite away.

-[growls]

-Wait. Before you do this,

have they told you what it feels like

to turn into a vampire?

-Besides feeling loved? No.

-Tell him, Lemans.

-What? It's not that bad.

-Are you kidding me?

It was like a full-body brain freeze.

-Oh, what?

-And does everyone else's peen shrivel up

into a dried-out, little smokey,

or was that just me?

-Shut up.

-One cool thing. You never have to take a dump again.

The bad thing? You always feel like you have to take a dump,

so you'll spend the first couple days

on the toilet just trying.

-Okay. I'm out. I'm a "Wolfenlicker" now.

Luprecious, chomp away...

unless you've got something to tell me, too.

-Me? Uh, no. Transformation is delightful.

-Calling bullshit. -Fine! It hurts like a bastard!

When your teeth grow,

it's like getting 32 root canals with no anesthetic.

-Turning back probably hurts worse.

-You also never have to take a dump, but you always--

-Yeah, yeah, you always feel like you have to take a dump. That's a given.

-This is bullshit!

I'm tapping out! Let's go, Rex.

-What?! -This deal doesn't work for me.

Thank you for your interest.

-This is an outrage!

You've betrayed your heritage

and wasted a good chunk of our time.

-Plus, we're stuck with this dipshit for the rest of eternity.

-Hey!

-Lemans: None of you are going anywhere.

-Who are you?

-I am nothing. I am no one.

-[splat] -Is that really necessary?

Until you can take a batch of dog food to the face

without raising your voice, it is.

-Fine. I can do this all day.

Mother-- -Cooch: Help! Help!

-Cooch, what happened?

-She stole from me. That's what happened.

That's my rock man!

-Again, I am a sentient being

with free will and everything.

-Does anyone smell dog food?

-You don't own Liplor.

He stays here.

-Fine. If you won't give him to us,

we'll take him.

-I'm serious, guys. I smell dog food.

Oh, that-- there it is!

-Oh, no. -Bark, bark, bark! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

-Chet! Heel!

-[barking] -Hey, get off of her!

-[growling]

-Lex, calm down.

-[barking]

-[screaming]

[chittering]

[panting] -What the hell was that?

-[distorted] It was...

it was...

[normal voice] It was nothing!

I'm completely calm.

So calm that something came to mind.

Liplor was the property of my Uncle Dax.

In Dax's absence,

Liplor would go to his next of kin, Rex.

We're his rightful, legal owners.

-Sergeant Agony doesn't recognize Subtopian law.

-No, but Subtopians do.

Maybe you should deport Liplor.

He could go ask them.

And then see if they want to come back here

and talk about it.

-Okay, we're leaving.

-Uh... -I said we're leaving!

-I thought your training wouldn't be enough.

I was worried for you, Lex.

-Don't be.

-Hmm.

-[stammering] Stay back!

I know how to use this,

and it's upside down. I'm going to Hell.

-Cut the bullshit, Ranger.

-Fine! -[grunts]

-There! That worked.

-When the shit goes down,

bros are thicker than water.

Hey! Oh! -Nice try, vampire.

-[grunting] -[growling]

-[slice] -[grunts]

-Rex, you're bleeding!

-Subtopian skin is no match

for supernaturally sharp claws.

Ugh, you see why I hate this shit?

-[growling]

-[grunting]

-Rex, they're too strong.

-Then we go out swinging.

-Guys, I'm sorry...

that you didn't come better prepared!

You really failed me!

-They said you would end our eternal war,

but you are a fraud.

-Now we fight only for the right to kill you.

-Wait. Do you see what's happening here?

-We actually make a great team.

-Why are we fighting?

Together, we could rule as our ancestors did.

-I wonder what would happen if we bite each other.

-Let's find out.

You have ended our war, Claudius Jamison Weelehan.

Not by being a warrior,

but by being the most annoying human

any of us have ever met.

-Let's get out of here. We've got an army to build.

-Come on. We're turning into bats.

-But I don't wanna.

-Now!

-[whooshing] -[growling]

-Goodbye, Saturn.

-Sorry we can't be vamp bros, bro.

You're the reason I chose the Dracuvlads,

you know, before all that taking-dumps bullshit.

-Thanks, man.

-[whooshes] -[squeaking]

-Lemans: Vampires away! -[Wolfenlyke howls]

-So instead of stopping them,

we just created a super army of monsters.

Great.

-The dark arts rode us hard and put us away wet.

-Well, I certainly learned a lot about myself.

You guys hungry?

-Cooch: Can I keep him?

Please, please, please, Rex?

-You say you smoothed things out with Devizo?

-Yep. We are the proud owners of our own Liplor.

-Again, if you could all refer to me as a person

and not a possession,

that would really be helpful.

-Well, I guess we could use some more muscle on the team.

Welcome to the League, Liplor.

-Thank you, Rex! You won't regret this.

Come on, Liplor!

Let's go stuff magazines in the toilet.

-Really hope that wasn't a mistake.

-[theme music playing]

-[monkey chatters] -Man: Stupid monkey.

-[paper tearing] -[monkey cry]

-[slap]

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