Original subtitles

[gentle music]

[liquid pouring]

[chicken clucking]

[phone chimes]

Yes Greg. Yes I do.

[groaning and moaning]

[Lauren moans loudly]

[kissing sounds]

Oh god!

Hey um...

..you're a lawyer right?

Oh god, you don't need legal advice do you?

No, no, no... I mean, the power's out,

the mattress is on the floor.

I can spot you like twenty bucks.

Oh thanks, but no, my ex took my bed.

What a dick!

[chicken clucks loudly]

[Greg screams]

[Greg] Oh there's a chicken.

-Yeah, that's Angus. -Oh hey Angus.

I'm actually not all that fond of chickens.

Oh.

This one seems quite territorial.

Yes she is.

It's coming, no it's coming!

-Just don't look at her. -Okay.

I'm like a candle burning End to end

[chicken purrs]

Hi.

[gentle music]

[Lola] Yummy, yummy toast.

Oh!

Morning Bosslet. Breakfast!

When did you get back?

Early doors! Want some caviar?

What happened to the clock?

Oh it, it fell. It had an accident.

[Roger] You know the powers out? I had to use the camp stove.

[Carol] Lauren! Have a look at these darling.

Aren't they wonderful?

Anyway I'll take a look at the wiring after breakfast.

We're painting our entire holiday.

I'm doing penguins in bowties.

Oh, that's lovely. Quite a lot of painting though.

[Carol] Yes, well, you can't stifle creativity Floss.

What's this?

[Abby] Oh we want you to stay here.

As opposed to?

[Lola] Going. To Dad's new house.

[Roger] The kids wanted to start sorting some of their bits out.

[Carol] Yes we stopped over at Jake's new place on the way,

and it's-- -[Lola] Ginormous!

It has a pool.

Dad said we can have a trampoline.

Wow! Great.

Yeah eat up your toast Lola, gotta get big and strong.

I don't care about being big and strong,

I just want to be pretty.

Okay, well we definitely need to talk about that.

I mean they're not mutually exclusive.

But I don't want to get any bigger.

[Lauren] Well you can't stay small forever.

But if I get big, then I'll look like you, with your big face.

You see, my face is small and pretty

and yours is kind of big, giant, but squished.

Thank you, for sharing that.

Hi ya.

Oh hello.

Got you a soy latte.

I drink almond, but that's okay.

Ah.

No, no, no, it's nice. Thank you.

Ah, you know the coffee in London is diabolical.

-It's gross. -Really? Ah.

Have you made a decision?

-Ah, no. -Oh.

I can really see you in London Alex.

All the fog and pigeons and the chimney sweeps.

That's literally the set of Mary Poppins.

Yeah I know, obviously.

Oh my god, this coffee's so good.

Wow!

[Lauren moans]

[door shuts]

Ange, is it Bob again?

I'm fine.

Well, if you want to talk to me then just come and find me okay?

Did you snort cocaine off Dallas' willy?

Oh god.

Cocaine!

-Ah, well-- -Off his willy!

Ah no! Yes! No! Ange?

[Lauren] Did he tell you... off his penis...

Sorry!

I don't know why... I'm so sorry, yes I did!

I did snort it... I'm sorry.

Are you mainly cross about the cocaine,

or are you mainly cross about the Dallas' penis bit?

You know that I am on the board--

I know--

Of Family Lawyers Against Illegal Drugs

Consultation Help Group.

You know that about me--

I just don't understand why he would tell you about it.

No he didn't tell me. It's here, look!

There! [Lauren gasps]

Black and white and shade of blue.

[Lauren] Oh god. Oh god!

Shit! Alex!

Hello?

Oh fuck! Why is this here? How do you have this?

Why do you have this?

Mr. Hilton is moving over to Baxter Lang.

I'm sending them his files. It's labelled HMTF.

Yes! Hot Men To Fuck!

-No. -Oh.

Also Hilton Marriage Term Financials.

-Why didn't you file it Alex! -Sorry.

If this was accidently send to our biggest competitor,

then that would be a lot of compromising information.

[Alex] Including someone who actually works at Baxter Lang.

[Lauren] Oh, how do we, how do we get rid of it?

I tried to delete it but it's still uploading!

Uploading?!

Where is it uploading?

-What? -Where? Where?

[Ange] I don't know.

So what server did you say...

Um, which server?

The main one, ah, the big one.

Okay. Baxter Lang. These are the files currently transferring--

Oh, okay. If you can stop this right now

I will give you my brand new ergonomic swivel chair.

What! To keep?

Yes!

Okay, um, any of these ones here?

Yes, that one there. That excel spreadsheet just there.

Okay, you are very, very lucky ducks

because that is not finished transferring.

It's still uploading.

God, the joys of the National Broadband, am I right?

[all laugh]

It's been like two hours.

-Please! -Cancelled.

Just checking, it's definitely not going

to start uploading itself again is it?

That's, no.

They can't get like 67 percent of it?

-Also not how it works. -Yeah, great.

Oh god!

What the...

-[Roger] Hello Bosslet. -Dad?

What's going on?

Why are there wires all over the place?

Well, it turns out that all the wiring's a bit ropey.

Typical of an electrician's house.

All of it?

Well it's all connected Bosslet.

I realise that, but why are you finding this out now.

I just want to check it out for you before we left.

Yes precisely, you're leaving. So why you doing it now?

Well I'm just hooking up the temp power,

a little genny under the house.

And while I was down there I found a load of old wiring,

that had been chewed through by something.

Maybe an Antechinus.

-Antechinus? -Little rodents.

I've got rats?

Well not necessarily and they're marsupials actually.

No you know what. I'm sorry Dad, I quit! Yeah, I quit!

Give me strength.

-She's here. -Oh quick.

[Abby] You're going to be so gobsmacked.

[Lauren laughs] Oh wow!

Oh that is beautiful. Mum is this you?

Well...

Thank you.

Mama this is you with your big beautiful giant squished head.

Oh thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

[Roger] Lauren?

Ah.

[Lola] Yeah let's go pack up the stuff.

Wow!

Put it together from a few bits I found under the house.

[knock on wood]

-Should do you for a while. -Thanks Dad.

Sorry about just now.

I've done all the preliminary stuff but you're going to need

a professional to untangle that mess.

Yeah. I wish you weren't going.

Me too.

You know, it's all right to get upset sometimes.

We all have feelings, even you Bosslet.

-Yeah, well I don't like it. -I know.

Chin up. You'll be fine.

[car horn honks]

Oh Carol, a taxi's here.

[Carol] Coming Roger.

Nana, when are we coming to see you?

Oh, soon my possum.

Just remember we don't say goodbyes do we?

Come here, you too Abby.

My little smarty pants the pair of you.

Thank you Mum.

Here's your scarf Grandpa.

Love you.

Love you Bosslet.

-Love you. Love you. -Come on.

Oh and they're sending someone to collect the RV tomorrow.

Don't, please, just wave from the window.

Okay Mum.

Got your stuff ready for Dad's tonight?

Tick.

Lola?

Tock.

Bye.

Anyone fancy caviar?

-Race you. -Great.

[Helena] You all right?

Yeah. I just don't like goodbyes.

You just need to keep busy. Mum says you're painting.

Oh my god. You two and your bloody painting.

I'm actually going on a date

with the trouser snake, chicken hater.

Trouser snake, chicken hater. That's right.

God, careful with that hammer.

Oh I just need to get this bloody hook off this wall.

Did Dad really take apart all your wiring

just before leaving?

Yeah, he makes a habit of that doesn't he.

Yeah, do you remember when he took the stairs out at home,

and then went to Greece for work for three weeks!

Yeah.

At least he left us with a stepladder.

Hey. Sorry, the front door was open.

Was it?

Yeah, and you said you might have time for a quick chat.

-Um, did I? -Hm.

[Helena] Hello. Oh is this the snake--

No. This is, ah, Matt the milk man.

Ah, paramedic.

The Kefir King!

-Yeah. -I do like it.

Hi. I've heard that Kefir is really good on muesli,

and would you use almond milk or cows for that Matt?

Sometimes coconut water, which is fun, so...

Sorry. I don't want to interrupt your chat.

But you did say that we could catch up tonight.

-[Helena] Did you indeed? -Yeah, I remember now.

Ah, but that was before this hole.

Which I've got to fix, and the...

Yeah, does look quite pressing.

Um, the thing wouldn't have to be for that long.

Hm.

I just wanted to find out how you feel about um...

..the sex.

[Lauren screams in pain]

Sorry.

Oh my gosh, are you all right?

-[Matt] Wow! -[Lauren groans]

Oh god! All right I'll get my kit.

-[Lauren cries] It really hurts. -Sorry.

I'm just saying, you need to consider all of the angles.

London is a very dangerous place.

Yep. Thank you Captain Birdseye.

You're not going to tell me what happened?

-Matt happened. -Ah, okay.

No, no, no, I mean I happened because of Matt...

I don't want to talk about it.

[Big Ben phone chime]

Wow! Have you got a personalised ringtone for Peter now?

Yep he says he needs to start making arrangements.

If I'm going.

-He needs to know by tomorrow. -Right.

You know, they found nine of the world's most deadly super-bugs

on the Tube, including E. coli.

-Okay. -Hm. Wow.

And lots and lots of faeces.

Hmm. Thank you Simon.

-Great. -Happy to help.

And thank you for stopping the transfer yesterday,

honestly I appreciate it.

No problemo sombrero.

Actually, what did you do about the hard copies?

[upbeat music]

[man] Sorry, so let me get this straight.

So my name and the um, intimate details of our sexual encounter,

-are on a spreadsheet? -Yes.

-Somewhere inside my office? -Yes.

Yes.

Well you know what it's like

when you are overloaded with work

and time management is an issue, so I had a spreadsheet.

Wait! How much detail?

-Warrior, warrior baby! -You mean?

Warrior baby.

-And, and-- -Yeah

Well I have to remember.

It was role play!

Sorry. Apologies.

Fuck! Shit!

And...

-Oh fuck, shit! Come on. -Okay thank you. Thanks.

Thank you so much.

Do you not have a key to your own mail room?

No, because I'm a Partner here, not the mail room guy.

[Alex] It's right there.

Stop buggering around and open that door.

Open the door.

I honestly can't, I just told you that.

If I was a Partner here I'd have a skeleton key to every room.

Skeleton keys aren't real so--

Aren't real! [Simon scoffs] Aren't real!? This guy.

Guys let's think. Should we break the glass?

No, we should set it on fire.

We could flood it. Yeah that would work. Water damage. Yeah.

No, no, no we are not flooding or setting on fire.

No, we're just going to wait for the mail room guy to come back.

Well how long is he going to be?

I don't know, oh my god...

[fire alarm rings]

Morning.

Everyone's just going to think it was a small malfunction.

I have no words.

-[phone chimes] -Hang on.

Okay. Wow, it worked.

Apparently every bit of paper on that floor is pulp.

[all laugh]

Oh thank God.

So Lauren, I thought if Alex is leaving

there's going to be an opening for a new wing-man right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well I've taken the liberty

to track your progress on the Spreadsheet already.

So I kind of know what--

What?

Yeah, I'm fully briefed. I know, I know everything so...

Everything?

Yeah, so I could be your Robin, Batman.

Batperson?

What are you going to do without me?

Yeah, and I can, I've got some plans for a league table,

so it would be like Premiere division,

first division, second division.

Ah, it's still a work in progress.

[Lauren sighs]

Lauren?

Ah, Matt.

Hey, I'm glad I caught you.

I was going to call, sorry.

Listen, I know you got a lot of stuff on.

Yeah, I've had a shocking day.

Look, I need to know where I stand.

I know first and foremost we're mates.

Exactly.

But seriously Loz,

I actually think there might be something here.

Yeah, but we are, we're mates.

-Yep. -And you're mates with Jake.

And it all just feels too matey.

No, I get it, it's complicated.

And I need to put my children first and what I need is...

..simplicity.

Right.

And I just don't need a relationship with anyone.

I can't do more.

Okay, listen. Being friends is good,

but don't you want someone to look after you or...

No!

I don't need someone to look after me Matt.

-Okay? -Okay.

-Yeah. -Right.

-Hey. -Hey.

[Greg] Whoo!

[Matt] Greg! Hey.

[Matt] What are you doing here?

[Greg] I'm... Me? I'm coming to see Lauren.

Check she's okay after we had to cancel last night.

Yes. Have you met?

-Fuck off! -What?

Oh.

-Fuck off. -Oh dear.

-Jodi Reginatto! -Ah, what are you talking about?

-You... -What?

Ahh! What are you talking about.

Sorry, do you know each other or?

He's my brother.

Oh you're joking. Oh god.

You absolute...

[men struggle]

Oh no.

Please tell me you didn't sleep with him.

No. Yes. No.

A bit.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? She's my friend!

Mate!

She's my neighbour.

What?

Yeah I live over there now, but of course

you don't read the family newsletter you dickhead.

[men moan and groan]

Guys, the neighbours.

-Get off! -No!

Ahh!

[yelling]

That's, awful.

[Lauren] Yeah, see you later guys.

[Greg] I hate you!

Don't make too much noise.

[gentle music]

[chicken clucks]

Hm?

[upbeat music]

[electric drill]

Oh, oh, oh, babe, babe, babe.

Pull my finger.

-No. -Pull it!

-No. -Go, go!

[Jake farts]

-[both laugh] -You're disgusting.

Don't, Jake!

How's it looking?

Yeah, the eye patch makes you look at bit freaky.

No, not me. The wiring?

Oh no, well sweet as.

You're old man and his unfinished projects hey?

-Yeah. -All good. Almost done.

Good.

You're lucky to have a professional

to call on for help.

Actually here's this as a thank you.

For me? Thank you so much.

-Jake, look. -Well look at that.

[Nancy] Oh, thank you. I love it.

[Matt] Hey.

Oh, you're here.

Yeah, Jake called.

Hey bro, come in.

I'm just returning his 140 mill snips--

[Jake] Are they my 200 mill snips?

-200 mill snips. -Right.

Hey. There you go.

Gregster!

Holy shit! Haven't seen you in ages mate.

Rotorua 2002, remember?

Oh Jake!

[all laugh]

-Good to see ya man. -Great.

What's that?

Oh, it's for the, for her.

Chicken's eggs.

You've met Angus?

Ah sorry, this is my partner Nancy.

Nancy, Greg. You know Matt.

[Alex] Oh, this is...

Alex.

This is cosy isn't it.

What was that sweetheart?

Ah, yep. Sorry, that's just Lola, got to go and...

[Nancy] I didn't hear anything.

-[Alex] I don't think we've met. -Hey.

[Lauren] Just coming darling.

Come on in. Come on in.

Lola?

[smash]

[Lauren] Ahhh.

[Alex laughs]

With ya eye patch and the leg you look a bit like a--

-A pirate? -Yep.

Um, why is trouser snake downstairs?

It turns out he's Matt's brother.

-Matt's brother! -Shhhh!

[Alex laughs]

[both laugh]

You've made up your mind haven't you?

I'm really sorry Lauren.

No, I'm sorry I was giving you a hard time.

I'd do the same to you.

I really just want you to be happy and this is wonderful,

it really is, it's a great opportunity.

I mean obviously, it's really shit for me.

But, you know, I'll see you when I come to the UK

and we can FaceTime.

Hm, I'm going to miss you a lot.

Please don't cry because I'll fucking cry

and I've only got one working eye.

[gentle music]

-Ahhh! -I'm sorry.

Okay.

Okay, what did you want to do about that?

-The Spreadsheet. -Yeah.

What you reckon?

Um, well the universe does seem to be shouting at me

quite loudly right now.

I think you should delete it.

Um...

-It's time. -Is it?

Yep, let's delete it.

No, no, no, no. No!

-Are you sure? -No I'm not quitting.

Maybe we can consolidate it.

-Yeah, simplify it. -Yeah.

-Add a password. -Maybe make it a league table.

-Yeah. -No.

-And put them in order. -No don't touch that.

[Jake] Ah Loz, think you've got a problem.

-White ants? -White ants.

But ants?

They are like termites. Horrible things.

Anyway, you can't stay here until the inspector clears it.

Right, well I guess I'm keeping the RV.

I think it will okay for you.

But I think the girls should move in with me

while you get yourself sorted.

Well hang on.

Well they can't stay in a RV Loz,

and this place isn't safe.

Yeah, okay. Maybe for a bit.

And they wanted to bring some of their stuff anyway so.

Where are you going to stay Mum?

-Ah, well, ah! -You all right?

Yes! I have got the van and I love camping, as you know.

So I'll be fine.

Okay, but remember Angus can't eat chocolate. Like, at all!

-No. -Not even if you're sharing.

No not at all, but wine's fine yeah?

I'm joking. I'm joking. I'll be fine.

-Bye Mum. -Bye darling.

[Lola] Dad, this trampoline isn't going to bounce itself.

-Bye Mum. Love you till you die. -Bye Mum.

Bye.

[Jake] Watch the car!

[Lola] Let's hit the road.

[Nancy] Come on girls.

[car starts]

[chicken clucks]

[gentle music]

I guess you're almost a parrot aren't you?

We'll be all right won't we Angus?

[chicken clucks]

Hm. That was definitely a yes.

[phone chimes]

[stirring music]

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