Original subtitles

[kissing sounds]

Cheeky line?

Oh, um, well I don't know if we should, it's a Sunday night.

Oh fuck it! Let's go wild.

I'll get us a cup of tea.

[sniffs]

There we are.

Rooibos okay?

Probably shouldn't have caffeine this late at night.

Wow!

Okay.

In for a penny.

[snorts]

I'm like a candle burning End to end

[pounding]

[both moaning]

-[Dallas] Your lips are amazing. -[Lauren] Oh thank you.

[Dallas] I was just thinking before, you are so familiar.

Familiar? Thank you.

I think we should dig deeper.

How? I'm pretty sure this is as deep as I can get.

I can go deeper.

Are you talking about your penis?

I want to be so deep with you.

Do you mean in me or with me?

I know how to finish the song.

Oh hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on...

[singing] We were lovers, in a past life...

[both sigh]

[dog barks]

[toaster clicks]

[Jake] Howdy.

Hey ah, what's wrong with Angus?

She looks a bit flighty.

Why are you here? It's half six.

I've got that site meeting remember.

Oh, and the girls, they need breakfast.

-Great. -And showers.

Fantastic.

Loz, you always forget to turn the oven off.

-No I don't. -Look.

Oh, Jake did you unplug the toaster?

It is a fire hazard, not to mention a waste of electricity.

Are you okay?

Yes I'm fine. I wanted some toast.

Yeah, 'cause you look really ropey.

Thank you.

[chicken clucks]

So I'm pretty certain they're going to move me

to wing attack for semi-finals

because I'm really practicing my pivot,

my hips now are so flexible I reckon they could

just like twist the lid off a jar of tomato sauce...

Lauren!

Yeah? Tomato sauce.

What's that? Is that a green juice?

I can't have caffeine today.

A-ha.

Lovely, you did cocaine last night didn't you?

Off a penis.

[Alex exclaims]

I'm sorry what? Are you having a breakdown?

Um, I might be.

Have you slept?

About an hour.

But relax, I was snorting cocaine

on toilet seats before you were even born.

Hmm, don't think you were actually.

No, I wasn't.

Whose dick was this anyway?

Dallas's.

Oh well that's it then.

-He's off the list. -What, he ticks all the boxes.

Nah, and he's ticked them once too often.

Hot, not needy and no strings.

I hate to break it to you but it's called the three shag rule.

He's going to start getting feelings.

Oh come on,

the only feelings he's getting are in his ding-dong.

Don't you ding-dong me.

Once you have liaised with a gentleman three times,

they start asking where this is going.

Sorry, are we in Sex And The City?

It's a thing, ask anyone.

Well why didn't you tell me before?

Because Dallas is the first guy you've shtuped three times so...

Stop making stuff up.

-Three shag rule! -No such thing.

[man] It's true. It's a real thing.

[woman] Yeah totally. Three shag rule.

He's a model, turned musician, you know,

just think about that for a second.

Well even models have feelings, Lauren.

There are no strings. I would know.

-[woman] Oh Lauren. -Oh thanks.

What's this?

"Dallas's delicious hampers".

"This should help you recover. Dallas. Kiss, kiss, kiss".

Literally the definition of strings attached.

That's not a string, it's twine.

[Ange] Oh Lauren, can I...

Oh!

[Ange] Someone's popular.

[Ange] From someone special?

Oh no, just a, a casual friend.

Right well, I just assumed you wouldn't want to bring

one of your casual friends to the dance tomorrow night.

Dance tomorrow?

Really?

The 'Dancing with the Bar' charity event?

Oh gosh.

-My anti drug charity. -Yes, your drugs...

[Ange] Anyway, I've still got to finish the seating plan,

and laminate everything.

So anyway I've arranged for you to dance with Slimon, Simon.

No! Please no.

I can come on my own.

[Ange] No! You can't enter a dance competition

without a dance partner. You need a partner...

Look, it would just look good

in front of the other Senior Partners.

Yeah I'll bring someone.

Okay. Lauren!

I know it's tricky, everyone bringing their

significant others and you not having one.

Ange! But I have plenty of options. Trust me.

Right? But you wouldn't bring someone inappropriate would you?

Ah, I'll dance with Alex.

Ah, nope, no, I'm the compere.

Simon it is.

Absolutely not.

-I love pretzels. -So do I.

Thank you. I'll bring someone.

[Ange] Well ah, I'll need a name by tomorrow morning.

I have to laminate.

They don't laminate themselves.

Any doctors?

Oh yeah, John 35, podiatrist?

Feet, please no.

Well, because I love you,

we've got a literal spreadsheet of men.

Any astronauts?

Okay, Ange is taking Bob to capoeira lessons

so we need to take this seriously, okay?

Of course she is. 'Dancer' is what we need.

Dancer, dancer. Brett.

[both] Engineer, dancer.

[Alex] Here he is, let's take a look.

[both exclaim]

[Lauren] It is so good to see you again.

You're joking right?

I only came here to tell you face-to-face,

you're a horrible person.

Sorry?

Sorry for never calling me back?

You know you actually ghosted me?

Did I?

Yes, and I thought we had fun.

We did. We had so much fun.

And you were the one who said,

"Oh you know, we should do this again".

-I must've lost your number. -Oh please.

Or you slipped onto the other tab.

Tab, what does that even mean?

-What tab? -On the spreadsheet?

-What was that, spreadsheet? -What?

[Brett] What did you say, spreadsheet?

Spreadsheet, yeah.

Well, it's actually more of a planner.

You got a fucking spreadsheet?

It's nothing personal.

It's just a way of keeping track of everyone.

Everyone?

So, you're rating men who you're sleeping with?

No, God.

What an awful thing to suggest.

It sounds like a league table, is that it?

Well yeah, no.

-No? -No.

Tell me, where am I on this fucking spreadsheet of yours?

Okay, well I guess if I didn't call you back.

-Yeah? -You are probably

-on the reject tab. -Tab, right, Jesus Christ.

Do you want to go to the thing tomorrow night?

Just...

Yeah, there's no chance he's going to let me take him.

Ah, that's a pity, he'd look great in Hugo Boss.

So did the Nazis.

Who am I going to take to the ball, Alex?

I will not let Ange be right.

How about Matt?

Gave him chlamydia.

Yeah and quite possibly nits.

Yeah and also it might seem a bit datey.

Ah, hang on a second, Alex.

[upbeat music]

[school bell chimes] [children playing]

Mum, this is Maddy, she's my best friend, like seriously.

Oh, well, nice to meet you, Maddy.

Hi, will you buy me a cake please?

The money goes to the church.

[chuckles] Well, yeah, I suppose I will.

Me too.

Me three.

I said 'me T.O.O.' not 'me T.W.O'

It doesn't matter.

It's not a homophone.

Okay, that's enough.

Can I tempt you?

Yes, I think you can.

It's homemade cream filling.

Oh, here, Maddalena actually makes

the most incredible Sfogliatelle Ricce.

Oh wow.

You must try it, it is light as a feather.

Oh my goodness.

Thank you.

[Lola] That was a big mouth full.

You know, I can give you the recipe.

Thanks, I do love to bake.

It's quite incredible, right?

Incredible.

She does a great job.

There you go.

[Lola] Come on.

Bye, BFF Maddy.

Sexy baker, suck on that Ange.

[upbeat music]

[Abby] Ah you have sticky hands.

[Lauren] Oh, come on Abby, that's not nice.

How would you feel if she wouldn't hold your hand?

I wouldn't care.

All right, well, what if I didn't want to hold your hand

and wasn't being very nice?

I'd still have Dad.

Well, what if Mum and Dad didn't want to play with you anymore?

I'd be fine.

Yeah, I'd just walk in the woods at night and find a new mum.

Well, that's good to know.

[upbeat music]

[knocking]

[Dallas] Hey, oh nice shoes.

I'm just delivering you guys some protein.

Protein?

Yeah, I figured you could probably use some after...

These guys are the best burritos--

You can't just come to my house.

Oh, the beef is smoked over Mesquite wood so it's--

Yeah, as I ordered.

Oh, yes.

So thank you, Uber delivery guy.

-Cool. -Are these pickled jalapenos?

You are welcome little lady.

[upbeat music]

[door slams]

[Helena] So tired, I'm sick of it.

I feel like a bloody unpaid cleaner.

Literally all I do is pick shit up,

clean shit all fucking day.

No one ever says a goddamn thing, I'm done.

I know, I miss you, God I miss you.

I miss you too, God, when are you coming home?

Soon, I don't know.

Oh okay, I just need to get it out.

I'm all right now, God, what are you wearing?

I've got a date, with a...

..DILF.

Oh, there's no way I'd date any of the dads

from our school.

You must have hot Aussie dads like Chris Hemsworth.

[knock on door]

Oh, that's Alex, I'll see you soon.

-Love you. -I love you, bye.

[bouncy music]

-Are we having a rave? -Yes, absolutely.

Okay, bye, and no matter what she says,

she's not allowed coffee or martinis now.

-Okay? -Got it.

But I assume espresso martinis are fine, right?

-Yep, that's fine. -Got it.

I can't believe you picked up in the playground.

Yeah, do you think it's inappropriate?

Yes, definitely.

Now bugger off so I can teach them

how to smoke methamphetamine.

-Okay, bye. -Bye-bye, all right.

-Eat this. -Okay.

Oh, that's pretty good.

It came from an Uber man.

Are those pickles?

Jalapenos, yes, you're clever.

Correct, all righty.

Hit the lights, hit the lights.

Yeah!

[energetic music]

Jalapenos, jalapenos, jalapenos.

[soft piano music]

You know, it's actually Maddalena's recipe.

Oh wow, gosh, that's very impressive.

The girls do seem to be good friends.

Well, Maddalena makes friends pretty easily.

Yeah, she does seem very--

Advanced?

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, she's actually reading a year level ahead,

but I know that she likes to help out the younger kids.

Younger?

Well they're in the same year.

But yeah, it means she tells me

that Lola's still struggling with her phonetics?

Well, she's only just turned five.

No, don't worry, she'll get there.

More wine?

Yes please.

[wine splashing]

There's this thing tomorrow night,

I don't suppose you're free.

Well, will you be wearing another sexy dress?

Yes I can.

Yeah, well then, wow.

Yes, whatever it is.

Great, well, I'll give you the details.

You'll ah, give me what?

The details.

Sure, see I love details.

I'm very attentive to details.

I'll bear that in mind.

[kissing]

[classical music]

Oh.

Oh yeah, that'll work.

[Dom] A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

F.

G.

H.

I.

[Lauren moans]

[Dom] Call me Christ.

Wait, what?

I said call me Christ.

Can I call you Chris instead?

J.

K.

L.

M.

N.

N, N, N...

I'm not going to finish this alphabet

until you call me Christ.

Oh. [gasping]

M.

N.

Oh! [screams]

Call me Christ.

Christ! Jesus fucking H Christ!

[music crescendos]

[elevator dings]

Hi, I've got some of those pretzels.

Oh, yeah, really?

And I found someone for the ball.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Name? -Dom.

Phone number?

Haven't transferred it yet.

This a real person?

-Yeah. -Surname?

Inic.

-Dom Inic? -Yes.

Hmm.

[phone rings]

It's the school.

Hello?

[upbeat music]

So, Lola, this time she's brought wine to school.

-Wine? -Red wine.

Decanted into two plastic drink bottles.

Right, well, clever.

She was discovered at morning break with a friend

and they had both spilled wine all over themselves.

And you're sure it was Lola's wine?

Yes, but she's adamant it's the blood of Christ.

Blood of Christ, okay.

I presume they were going to attempt

some kind of holy communion.

Maybe teaching religion in a supposedly

nondenominational school is a bit confusing.

Lola's enrolled in ethics.

Yeah, but I think

she's been sneaking into Catholic scripture.

She's got this new friend and oh--

Your daughter brought wine to school

and just gave it to Maddalena?

Well, obviously there was a bit of collusion.

What does that mean?

Well, Lola wouldn't know the first thing

about the blood of Christ.

Do not bring Christ into this conversation.

Clearly you need to talk to your daughter

about respecting religion.

Well, clearly your daughter has been speaking to Lola.

Yes, she was being generous, letting Lola be her friend.

Wow, wow.

And what sort of a person just lets their daughter

have access to wine.

She doesn't have access to it, she's sneaky.

Okay, okay. Let's just...

The girls are both covered in wine

so obviously they'll have to go home.

And for now there will be no further disciplinary action.

Okay, she's in the nurses office?

But, as this is Lola's second time

bringing something inappropriate to school,

we will really need to monitor her.

Yeah, I know.

[upbeat music]

What were you thinking, Lola?

I was thinking that his blood removes the punishment of sin.

Oh okay.

John verse one chapter seven.

Don't need to know the verse, but thanks.

Anyway, Maggy said I had to bring it in or she--

Can you just stop bringing things into school please?

Yeah?

I just need, well, I just wondered

if you could watch her for half an hour?

-Yeah? -I knew this day would come.

Jake's not answering

and I've got the meeting with the Partners.

No need, it's absolutely fine.

Come here Lols.

What's that, is that wine?

-Mhmm. -Shiraz.

Oh, tell me it was from the Barossa at least.

Okay, so look at me darling, okay.

Did somebody speak?

That's brilliant, I just wanted to say

that you do not need friends like that.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

-They're in the meeting room. -Thank you, yeah.

Ange, Ange.

-But we'll talk, talk-- -Ange.

Oh uh, one second.

Sorry, sorry.

Do you mind if we take Dom Inic off the list, please?

Yes I mind, he's already laminated.

No, no, no, I really need to take him off it.

Really?

What about the table plan and who would you dance with?

-Well. -Now, I could ask Simon.

-No, no, no, no. -Please!

I already have him laminated, just...

Okay.

So as I was saying...

[upbeat music]

So, Abby told me what happened.

We need to talk about the wine.

-Yeah. -I don't think she's talking.

No, come on Lola, please stop this not talking thing.

-It's over. -It's never over.

Ah, okay, she is.

And now I don't have a real best friend any more.

Oh Lola, she wasn't a very nice friend, okay?

Hey, you don't have to take wine to school

to make friends, all right sweetheart?

I just wanted to be someone's best friend.

Oh baby, I know, but you're so special.

You'll find a better, more worthy,

more special friend, okay?

Mum's right, hey,

she sounds like a bit of a squashed potato anyway.

[Lola laughs]

Who was it?

It was Maddy, dad's called Dom.

Oh, you know him?

Ah, do I know him?

-Umm. -What?

Uh, um.

You know. [clapping]

What?

[whispers] You fucked him?

Lola's friend's dad?

Jesus Loz.

Right?

How's the air up there on your massive high horse?

Rosy.

["Your Time" by ORUS playing]

Do you remember the days When you said

Nothing gets in your way

You were led by the Beat and the music

[music lowers]

Okay, well done everyone, the scores are being tallied.

And remember tonight we are digging deep for

F.L.A.I.D...

Ah, the Family Lawyers Against Illegal Drugs

Consultant Help Group.

Yeah, umm...

Great, let's have a five minute break for everyone.

[music continues]

[Lauren] Did I miss anything?

No, only about an hour of my life that I'll never get back.

Hi girls, how's it going?

-Hi. -May I have this dance?

Thank you so much.

Come this this way...

Hi.

Hi, how lovely, thank you.

-Do you want some water? -Yes please.

You should have told me you were bringing your kids.

It was inappropriate, yeah, I'm sorry.

No, I would have laminated them a name card.

Oh.

I'd like a laminated name card, please.

Would you?

Well, I can do one for you tomorrow if you'd like.

Thank you Ange, that's very nice.

So where's Bob?

Ah, um.

Well, actually he's double booked himself.

He's um, he's been with the anglers, his angling meeting.

Right?

I probably should have just brought my kids.

Much better idea.

Yeah.

You guys want to start a conga line, or something?

No? Paso doble? No?

A different movie. Merengue?

-Okay. -Cool.

So, are you talking to your mum again?

Yeah because I think she's right.

-Really? -Maddy is a twat.

Yup, okay, great.

So I might find a different friend.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Someone who isn't mean

or tells me I have to bring wine to school.

Why did she do that?

She said I had to,

or she'd take me off her best friends list,

and she did anyway.

-What, is this it? -Yeah.

Oh, that's horrible, that's really mean.

[Lauren] Yeah, it's horrible.

Who cares about this thing?

Let's get up and dance.

It's your time To party, to party

And get the life To party, to party

Well, I'm impressed, Dom sounds like a real gem.

Yeah.

Messiah complexes are notoriously difficult

to come by nowadays.

Do you think maybe our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ

is trying to tell you something?

Yeah, maybe that we should have a religious proclivities column.

Oh I never told you, I once dated a guy

who used to cry for Jesus' forgiveness

every time he ejaculated.

Oow, did Jesus forgive him?

Yes, yes I did.

Well that's exactly what I mean when you--

[Dallas] There she is.

Jesus Christ!

This one's dedicated to you Lauren.

[guitar plays]

Gotta woman with Some class yeah

And a hot mamma ass yeah

She's a working woman Hell yeah

What's happening?

And she's gonna Make me swell yeah

She keeps me on My tip-toes babe

She's got the right To know babe

We'll be married In the afterlife

Cos we were lovers In a past life

Yeah, he's definitely not getting feelings at all is he?

-Yeah, take him off the list. -Absolutely.

You and me Lauren

And I want you to have

My babies

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