Original subtitles

[man and woman moaning]

-Oh yeah! -Oh yeah!

We really shouldn't be doing this in my front drive.

[moaning continues]

[man finishes moaning]

Great.

[both groan]

Look at that.

Most girls don't have a rig like yours when they're 40.

Oh well, I'm 39, but thanks.

Trust me, you're looking good.

Okay.

Yeah, oh yeah, you gotta get the outside one. It's an old car.

Oh okay, thank you.

-So, that's your bag. -Oh thank you.

[car starts and revs]

I'm like a candle burning End to end

-[Matt] So, how'd you go? -[Lauren] Hey.

Good date?

Oh yeah, well no, he's a bit of a twat.

Ah, well at least you're

putting yourself out there

trying to meet someone.

Yeah, well that's not really

what I'm trying to do but--

Still, it's more than I've done.

Well, thank you for baby-sitting.

Nah, all good.

It's the least I can do,

considering you're taking care of the divorce settlement

for me and Tash.

Yeah, and I might have a quick shower,

and then we can have a quick rundown of your joint assets.

-Yeah. -Grab a beer.

Okay, thanks.

Oh I tried to get the dishwasher going before

but it wouldn't start. You want me to have a look at it?

Ah no, just leave it.

[Matt] All good, I'll have a squiz.

[shower running]

[Matt] Shit! Lauren!?

What?

I'm coming.

[Matt] Lauren, where's the water mains?

[water gushing]

Oh no!

[Matt] Loz, where's the water...

Soft cock! Soft cock!

[Matt] A what cock?

Soft cock!

I got it, I got it.

Just... Ah sorry...

Sorry!

I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn't.

At least I don't have to wash the kitchen floor now.

-Yeah. -[Lauren sighs]

That's a, nice towel.

-Very wet. -Yeah.

Um, I'm handling your divorce.

-You are aren't you. -Hmm.

[upbeat music]

[both moaning]

Wow!

I did not see that coming.

[laughs]

No, no.

Are you okay?

Sorry, ow, dead arm!

Ah sorry.

Well, that is one way to get back on the horse.

Are you calling me a horse?

No, metaphorically you're a horse.

You're not horsey.

I am a bit horsey. I am English.

No you're not.

Listen I, I don't want you to think that this was

just some kind of wham bam...

..thank you ma'am!

Oh, yeah.

I don't want you to think I'm some kind of player.

No, I didn't think that at all.

Yeah. I mean obviously you went out on a date tonight.

Yeah, don't remind me.

But, have you actually slept with anyone since Jake or?

-Since Jake? -Hmm.

Ahh...

It's just I've found it quite...

I haven't had sex with anyone since Tash and I split so...

-Wow, okay. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-No not me. -No, it's hard isn't it?

Yeah it is hard, it's hard.

-Being intimate. -Being intimate and um...

-Hmm. -Vulnerable.

-Vulnerable? It is, yeah. -Yeah.

It's so hard.

[upbeat music]

[alarm chimes]

[birds call]

[juicer starts]

[chicken clucks]

[Jake] Watch your back, watch your back.

[Nancy] Pop those chickpeas in.

Thank you.

[Jake] There you are Angus.

What?

Hi!

Angus, I see you've met.

I wonder where she'd gotten to.

Ah, this is you.

Yeah, well I thought I'd get a, a pet for the girls.

You know, teach them some responsibilities.

You thought you'd get them this chicken for my place

to teach them responsibility,

and you called her Angus.

Well I didn't buy her.

She's actually a rescue chicken.

And, I don't know, Angus is a really strong name.

She'd feel empowered.

[Nancy] My brother and his wife

actually have a whole coop in Brunswick.

They make really good pets.

[Jake] And I can't have pets at my place,

and Nancy's cat Fabian probably wouldn't be too happy.

No.

It's good to think about Fabian's needs,

but I, who am not a cat, have needs too, Jake,

and what I do not need is a chicken!

Can you not shout around it?

It's just probably a bit traumatised.

It's unlikely to lay eggs again.

Why are you here?

[Jake] Well you told me

to drop the girls off to school today.

Yes, I said drop the girls off at school.

Not come around to my house,

let yourself in at seven o'clock in the morning.

Start making, what, a weeks worth of bloody hummus.

Oh, and by the way,

don't suppose you can bring me a fucking chicken!

[Jake] All right! Okay!

Can, can I take the chicken?

Yes, take the chicken.

[cooker dings]

Oh, Jake's made his famous pita bread.

[children exclaim]

-Yummy! -Watch your back, it's hot.

Wait, Ellia has to sit in the front.

She gets car sick at the back.

You had her sitting in the back with us.

Right, well maybe just for today,

Ellia can sit in the back with you.

But she gets car sick.

Well, so do I and I'm a grown up real person.

So can I sit in the front? Thank you.

It's okay Lola, I can sit in the middle,

and Ellia can sit by the window to get some air.

[upbeat music]

[Lauren sighs]

[phone chimes]

Have a good day, Angus.

Hey, morning.

Hi, is that a chicken?

Yep. That is a chicken.

Are we doing a spell?

-[Alex] Crumbs, Lauren. Crumbs. -[Phone Rings]

Lauren Davies, Cook and Cook.

[Nathan] Hi, it's Nathan.

Nathan who? Sorry.

[Nathan] It's Nathan Bolton.

Dirty car sex! Dirty car sex!

[Nathan] Hello? Sorry, did you say dirty?

-Sorry. That was my assistant. -Associate!

[Nathan] Hey listen, can we grab a coffee?

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Um, Yeah. Yeah. Why not?

[Nathan] This morning? It's kind of important.

No, I can't do this morning. Tomorrow?

[Nathan] Yeah, okay.

[phone chimes]

Oh, hi Matt. Hi.

[Matt] Hi. I'm at your office, I've got you a coffee.

Oh, thank you.

We won't be long. Bye.

[Alex] He got you a coffee?

What surprising, unwarranted attention.

[upbeat music]

-Hi, you look great. -Aw, thank you.

Oh, I love this.

Thanks Tash.

God, I wish I could wear that colour.

Oh, do you remember Alex?

Yes, of course.

At Lola's birthday?

Yep. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, sorry.

Well, no, you go. Great.

Thanks again for doing this.

We really appreciate it.

No, honestly.

Why make things more complicated than they need to be?

Flat white. That's got only half a sugar in it.

Oh!

Do you want half of this Tash?

I don't need all of it.

Yeah, I'll split it. That's half there.

That's a bit more than half.

So um, you got the settlement agreement,

we'll just have a read through,

see if you've got any questions,

and then we can, we can all sign.

[Simon] Hey, Lauren. Someone's in reception for you.

It's the Nathan Bolton.

Oh.

So thanks, Tash. Thanks.

I'll see you, see you soon.

-The Nathan Bolton? -Yeah.

So he's the highest scoring soccer player of all time.

Mate, just seriously.

Everything you're doing in the commentary area is fantastic,

and all of your charity stuff.

Don't suppose you're going to release a pop song anytime soon?

Okay. No thanks.

I'm going to get out of here.

Lauren, I need to have a quick word.

Got time for a coffee?

Yeah, I could do with half a coffee.

I'll just grab my things.

[Lauren] Soccer is different from AOL?

AFL. That's Australian Football League.

That's not soccer.

Thank you.

So um, I've got quite a hectic day.

Right um, so this is something

you're probably not going to want to hear.

Okay.

I got a message from someone,

someone else I slept with a while ago,

telling me that she has chlamydia.

Please tell me that's her daughter's name.

No, Lauren.

It's an STI.

Yeah, that was a joke.

See, the thing is,

I don't know if I definitely have it.

And it'd be hard for me to go to a doctor

and get tested because I'd get recognised.

Right.

'Cause I'm kind of...

well known. -Well known.

Yeah. So you haven't been tested.

I was thinking if you got tested,

then I'd know for sure.

Right.

Because if she has it, and so you do,

then chances are I do too.

Okay.

So you want me to get tested to work out whether or not

you've got it.

[Nathan] Yeah.

Okay.

Just trying to do the right thing here.

That does seem incredibly moral of you.

So, thank you.

Yeah.

It's not my fault.

I just, I just love women.

I'm a sex addict.

Right. Yes.

Well done.

See the thing is, I really can't get tested.

Yes. Nathan, just go to the doctor.

I mean, what's the matter?

The next thing you'll tell me--

He's fucking married.

I thought you were doing background checks.

Bloody hell, Alex.

Well, I didn't get around to it.

He seemed too hot to be actually married.

Maybe it's an open marriage.

I've had sex with a married, famous football player.

Soccer, soccer player.

Whatever. Married. Famous.

Who's possibly given me chlamydia.

Where's the due diligence, Alex?

I'd happily get chlamydia from Nathan Bolton.

I'd get leprosy from Nathan Bolton.

Oh well, look on the bright side.

What bright side?

Maybe a whack of antibiotics will clear up that UTI?

I don't have a UTI, Alex.

Really?

No, but if I do have chlamydia,

then I've got to tell everyone I've slept with too.

Luckily you have me, we have the spreadsheet.

Okay.

What do I have to do to test for chlamydia, anyway?

It's super easy. It's just a little wee-wee test.

Okay.

And a scrape of the cervix.

[Helena] Chlamydia?

Shh. Okay. No need to shout.

Keep your voice down.

Christ Lauren, you've got the clap.

No, I haven't got the clap.

That's gonorrhoea.

-Have you got that, too? -[Lauren] No.

Are you sure?

I don't have chlamydia.

I haven't got the results back yet.

And we did. We did. We did use a condom.

Oh, you've definitely got it. Oof chlamydia. Hang on.

What do you want Rosa, Cheerios?

Look, my friend at work got it, and she used a condom.

So, yeah, you've probably.

Oh Lord.

How's it feel then to be a dirty trollop, I mean?

Well, I don't know if it's psychosomatic,

but I'm itching like crazy.

[Carol] Why are you itchy, darling?

[Helena] Good morning Mum, hi Dad.

[Lauren] Oh, hi Mum, hi. Hello Dad.

[Roger] Isn't this nice, all together.

Yes, lovely. I didn't realise...

Sorry, what's that? Your father was talking over you.

No, I wasn't. She wasn't talking.

What time is it over there, boss?

I don't know the exact time, it's dark.

Darling, you don't have

that terrible yeast infection again, do you?

No Mum, I don't have a yeast infection.

I've never had a--

Well, you do look tired.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

[Helena] Yeah, you do look tired.

Okay. Bye.

I don't have chlamydia.

[upbeat music]

Hi Mum, just need to poo. How are you?

Hi baby, I'm just in the shower. Won't be a sec.

[yells] Stop Abby, I'm in the shower!

Sorry.

Mum. Can I have caviar for lunch today?

How do you even know what caviar is?

Nan gave it to her at Christmas.

[Lauren] She did?

So can I have it for lunch?

No, surprisingly, I don't have any caviar. So, no.

But Marcus asked for caviar.

He said he wouldn't be my friend anymore

if I don't give him caviar.

Who's Marcus?

Chloe and Amanda too.

Nancy's made a weeks worth of quite dry and lumpy hummus.

So we'll be having that, instead.

I'm done. I need some toilet paper.

Okay, Abby, can you get some toilet paper?

[phone chimes]

Mum, toilet paper!

[yells] Abby!

Okey-doke.

Come on, let's keep those legs together,

we don't know if this thing's airborne.

Here we go. Patient zero, Nathan Bolton.

And this is who we have to get back to, yeah?

So I've organised by date.

And if we work backwards from your latest hook-up,

all we need to do

is pop them into the anonymous group message, here.

Group message.

Anonymous. It's a 'burner'.

Are we in an episode of The Wire?

You know, I couldn't get into it.

Just stick with it. You get used to the language.

Okay, so, here we go.

Guido, foreign firemen, 10 inches.

Oh my god, I forgot about him. The crier.

Craig, stoned kick-boxer.

Oh, I blocked him too. This is actually quite confronting.

Yeah. Well, I mean, this is only the last two weeks.

Remember Sir Cumalot?

Oh god, no, please.

Ian, quantity surveyor. Nimesh, the barista.

Trevor, barista. Spiro, barista.

Barrister.

Okay, I knew that, that was just a typo.

Bazza, furniture importer.

Okay.

And Wayne the busker, with the trumpet.

Oh yes I remember. Yeah. Yeah.

And that brings us back to the 23rd.

The date you shagged the famous married sports commentator

in the front seat of his sports car.

Yes, I had quite crammed sex with Nathan and then...

Umm!

What?

Matt!

I knew it. I knew it. "I got you a coffee".

Seemed unusually nice for a straight man.

Yeah. And I told him I hadn't slept with anyone since Jake.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!

[gentle music] [chicken clucks]

A lady told me to give you this.

What lady?

The one at school who gives me food.

I can't read it.

Oh crikey Lola, it's a bill for $120.

You've ordered canteen lunches all week.

Yes, because Marcus didn't like my lunch.

He asked for caviar, remember?

Is Marcus in your class?

No. Anyway, it's not just him.

It's Chloe and Amanda and Isabel and

Applesauce and Rocket, as well.

Hang on, are these friends like Ellia is your friend?

Yeah, they're friends with Ellia, too.

And they told you to throw away your lunch?

They don't like Nancy's hummus. Well, they did use to.

But then Nancy said Ellia couldn't sit in the front

of Daddy's car and she gets car sick.

Maybe Nancy didn't realise.

You should always tell the truth.

I know it's hard sometimes, but it's important. Okay?

Why don't we have a tea party tomorrow for all your friends?

And we can have Dad and Nancy over too, yeah?

Can we have caviar?

I thought I might bake.

They really like caviar.

I might bake as well.

If you have to. But use real vanilla beans, okay?

Okay.

Takies.

Okay, so I've sent the group message.

All you need to do is call Matt.

Hm-hm.

Like right now.

Can I have one of your beta blockers please?

Absolutely not. Chop, chop.

Ah,

okay, Matt.

Call.

Speaker.

[phone ringing]

[Matt] Hi, listen can I just, I'm just--

Hi Matt, hi. Sorry to bother you.

I need to talk to you about something.

Okay, it's just, I'm actually on a date.

Can I call you tomorrow? Sorry.

Oh, oh no.

Hang on. Oh, bye.

He's on a date.

Yep.

He's going to call me tomorrow.

No, I did hear that.

It was on speakerphone. Okay. Well, okay.

You have to call him tomorrow and that's the end of it.

But that, that's not the end of it.

Thanks to me, he's back on a horse.

What if he sleeps with her?

He'll wear a condom. He's an adult.

It doesn't matter. Nathan did.

It's, it's all about juices and membranes and things.

Okay. Yeah, okay, call him back.

[Matt] Hey, you've called Matt.

Oh, it's voicemail.

Leave a message, what are you doing? Leave a message.

Hi Matt. It's Lauren Davies.

We spoke earlier.

I'm just calling.

I know you're on a date. It's actually about said date.

If you could get back to me ASAP, that would be fantastic.

Thank you. Thanks for your time.

Bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Beautiful, Lauren Davies. Very professional.

Let's just hope he calls back.

Otherwise you'll have to add super spreader to your resume,

and a family law expert. Cheers.

[jaunty music]

[knock on door]

Abby, can you get the door?

Hey.

Oh hey.

I didn't know you baked.

Someone's birthday or you're just practising?

No, we're having a tea party, but they didn't go quite--

I thought I should come and see you in person.

I got your voicemails. Seven.

Yeah, sorry about that. Yeah.

Yeah, no, yeah, no it's, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to intrude on your date.

No no, I should have spoken to you.

I've been meaning to speak to you about us.

Right.

Yeah.

But I got the impression that you weren't as keen.

No. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's just...

Just?

I'm really happy you went on a date.

Right.

Yeah. Just your voicemails.

You said.

Did you sleep with her?

Did you have sex on your date?

Sorry. You just said

that you were happy that I went on a date.

I've got chlamydia.

You've got?

I've got chlamydia.

What? When?

Yeah, I apologise.

You told me that I was the first one since Jake.

Yeah, I lied.

Did you?

Because you said you hadn't slept with anyone

and I didn't want you to feel pathetic.

Cheers for that.

I only just found out and I really don't want to be

a super spreader.

Super spreader. Wow.

You really are sleeping with a lot of people.

Look, I didn't sleep with my date--

[Jake] Matty!

Hey man, how are you going bro?

I didn't know you were coming.

Good to see ya.

-Hey Loz. -Hey.

Do you want a beer?

No, I've got to...

Did you see the game last night?

No, it was a good game though?

-It was awesome. -Yeah.

How've you been? I haven't seen you in yonks bro.

Ah Yonkytonks.

[laughs] Yonkytonks.

Hi, I was just trying out a new tray.

Oh, well, sorry.

I just know not everyone loves to bake,

so I just whipped these out, luckily.

Yeah. Put them here.

-Okay. -Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[cuckoo cuckoo]

So good. Will he come out again?

Yeah, every hour.

It's so much fun.

Matt, you sit there.

Yeah. Good. Okay. This is great.

How's it going out there, bro?

Where, outside?

Out there, you know, are you back on the horse again? Or?

Oh yeah, yeah. No, a bit. Not really.

Matt, you've got to get out there.

Maybe not totally out there, [laughs] but, out there!

Caviar, Nancy?

Oh no. Thank you.

Wow. We're feeding them caviar now, are we?

It's Marcus's favourite.

And it's lumpfish eggs, not bloody beluga!

So Lola, is this Ellia sitting here?

Yeah. Ellia. You know, who gets car sick.

And that's Lipstick.

-Lipstick! -Lipstick?

Yeah. She's 39 and her favourite things are wine and chlamydia.

[bottle clanks on table]

-Shit, sorry. -Wow!

-Do you have anything absorbent? -Yeah, I'll get something.

[upbeat music]

Excellent.

Now I've got lots of caviar to go with all the hummus.

That'll keep us in lunches for a while.

Mm, yummy.

Oh, Hey.

I've been meaning to ask you.

Have you seen my swimming pool membership card?

No.

[phone chimes]

[Jake] Oh shit.

Ah, there's nits again in Lola's class.

Honey, we should take off.

We've got, we've got the thing. So we better.

Did you want that last one?

[Jake] Bye girls.

-You do? -Yes, thank you.

Loz, just keep an eye out, okay?

Yep, okay.

I think Angus has nits, too.

Nah, chickens can't get nits. She probably has fleas.

Brilliant.

[phone chimes]

[mellow music]

[Lauren] "Much older lady".

Much older? Not much. I'm older, not, much...

[phone chimes]

Matt, hi.

Oh hey, I was just going to leave a message.

Well, I'm here. Hi.

Yeah I just wanted to apologise

for spilling beer all over the tea party.

No, don't worry. It was fine.

Honestly, especially considering the--

Nah, it's all right. I've had the treatment so it's all good.

-Good. -Easy peasy.

Great. There was one other thing um...

Ah, I don't suppose you have an itchy head?

-What? -No, you don't!

-No! -Great.

-What? -Bye.

Bye.

Ah, good.

[chicken clucks]

Angus!

Clever girl.

[chicken clucks loudly]

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