Original subtitles

[man] Oh yeah!

[Lauren] Oh yeah.

[man] Oh yeah, you like that, you like that don't you?

[Lauren] Yeah I like that!

[man] Oh yeah that is a full Windsor knot baby.

-[man] Yeah you like that? -[Lauren] Oh yeah I like that.

[man] Yeah.

[groans] You're a dirty little slut.

Sorry, what did you call me?

Oh I'm so sorry, was that too much?

I just, um, thought we'd try a bit of role play.

Oh, role play, fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah sorry, I didn't realise. Carry on.

Yeah? Okay great, thank you.

[man groans]

You little slut. Tell me you're a little slut.

I'm a dirty little...

Did I say you could fucking talk?

Sorry are we still doing role play?

Yeah that's part of it.

It's just difficult to... It's a little bit confusing.

[man] I'm in character. That's fine.

[man] Oh, there we go, yeah!

[man groans]

[Lauren groans]

[man shouts] I'm going to put a warrior baby in you.

[man exhales]

I'm like a candle burning End to end

[cuckoo, cuckoo]

[Abby] Mum, did you know this part of my foot hurts?

And last night Daddy said he would give me a plaster...

[Lola] Two plaits tied together at the back into one plait

starting at the front but not at the top, at the bottom.

Oh, so two tied together into one, but at the bottom?

How many hairbands?

Seriously? Two! I thought you knew everything.

I do know everything.

You didn't know that.

Why is your hair so knotty?

Again, everything?

Well that was rhetorical.

I know why your hair's so knotty

because your dad never bloody brushes it, that's why.

No. It's knotty because when I eat crackers at night

the rats smell the food and come into my bed

and make my hair knotty. Seriously.

[knock on door]

Abby!

[knock on door]

Oh, Abby!

Can you just hold that my love.

Hang on.

[phone beeps]

Hey, just thought I'd drop by with some kefir.

What? What's that?

Kefir. You said you'd like to try it.

Kefir! Thanks Matt.

Fermented milk. Good probiotics. I got this book.

[Lauren groans]

You mentioned you wanted some.

Did I?

-Yes, thank you. -There you go.

Oh appreciate that. God, so much.

Yeah it's a healthy yield.

Hmm.

Well thank you. Gotta get the kids to school.

Yeah, that's cool, I've gotta um...

..find some other pointless hobby

to fill the aching void of my loneliness.

[laughs]

Sour milk, you're doing well.

Right. I'm sure there's something just as attractive

for a soon to be divorced

41 year old childless man to be doing?

[laughs]

Macramé?

-Well there you go. -Yeah.

There I do go. So yeah.

Thank you Matt, for this off milk.

[upbeat music]

[phone beeps]

Okay so, who's dick is this?

I'm going to need a little bit more context I think.

Okay this dick...

Oh God and that jar is full of?

-Apparently. -Gosh!

I mean a dick pic is one thing but that's...

Horrific! I know.

Now that seems like too much to me.

Yeah.

Is he collecting it, because if he is that is a police matter.

One load allegedly.

Oh, fuck off, get fucked, that's fucked.

-Hold this, I'm googling it. -Well what you going to google?

Ah, lots of sperm.

Okay, could be Hyper...

Hyperthermia?

Yeah hyperthermia. He got caught outside in a snowstorm,

and now he produces an inordinate amount of spoof.

No. It's a very serious and very debilitating illness

where you have an abnormally large load.

Oh my God, there's no way I'm meeting this man.

-Causes dehydration. -For me or him?

Sorry, who is this again?

Well that's it, I don't know. It just came up my SnapTap.

Didn't even know I had SnapTap.

Yes, SnapTap. That's what it's called.

Is that the dance thing one?

No!

Anyway this semen junky is using an anonymous account

and won't give me his name.

Oh well, put down some towels.

The old ones, not the good ones obviously.

-Oh God Alex. Look at it. -No.

There isn't a condom in the land,

it would be like a water balloon just filling up.

[Alex moans]

No, no, I'm off milk.

So, he said this week. You've got three dates this week.

Why don't I just cancel all of them.

No!

I will not be cowed by a simple jar of semen.

Okay, calm down.

Well just find out whose penis it is, and cancel them.

Okay?

So who's first?

Ah, so first we have Dallas Guitar Abs.

-Okay, so that's Dallas. -Yeah.

Does it look like his penis?

Right, so we are doing this?

Here? In work hours we're playing 'Dick Guess Who'

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay.

Well his eyebrows are kind of light.

Yep.

And Sir Cumalot's pubes are darker.

But do, you know, eyebrows always match pubes, I mean...

It's a good question.

My eyebrows are quite...

I don't want to know the colour of your...

Maybe I'll get him to send another photo

and give us more detail, more to work with, you know...

Right, yep, good idea.

Your second date is...

Sorry, have you got a second date?

Well not with the same guy, but yep.

So he didn't call?

No, well who? No, they all call.

Oh, well that's really tough, that's tough.

I mean, maybe you shouldn't, um,

if you're going to sleep with them straightaway.

But I don't... I don't sleep with them straightway.

Well I do.

Well if you're going to give away the milk for free,

why would they buy the cow?

I don't want to sell the cow, or them to buy it,

or, fuck the milk, you know, and also it's not 1952 Ange,

people, women can have sex with whoever they want can't they?

-They can. -I think so yeah.

So you're finding it hard to meet someone nice?

I don't want to meet someone nice.

Well I suppose the options are limited out there, by our age.

[Ange laughs]

Because all the good ones are married aren't they?

[Lauren] Well...

Honestly I'm really just looking for sex.

[Alex] Sex.

But you must want a bit of romance?

-Nuh. -It's magic.

I don't like magic, don't like it.

Wha, what sort of guy are you looking for do you reckon?

Oh I don't know,

looking for a really kind of weird, clumsy, strange guy.

Oh, right. Oh, ah!

Ah, classic me, clumsy and weird.

[phone beeps]

What? What's he saying?

"Your turn first, downstairs pic."

You can't be serious? You're serious.

Okay, we'll take it on your phone because

you've got a better camera.

Absolutely not, not for me. No thank you.

I'm not going to get the right angle.

I just don't think I'm the best person for the job.

-Come on, Alex, please. -What does he want to see?

I don't know. I think maybe the nice, the main bit.

-The main bit? -Yeah.

It'll only take a second.

-Okay? -Jesus Christ.

Please don't. [door slams]

-Okay, do I- -Okay. Here we go.

Go in, or not?

-So, Okay. -Oh, god.

I'm not going to touch it.

You're just going to have to-

So, do you think this should be on or off?

Just around your ankles is fine.

I don't know if I can get my legs wide enough

if they're on.

No, they're wide enough.

Just why can't we do a nice tasteful tit shot?

Nickers on or off? On or off?

I don't know how to answer that.

Here they are.

Okay.

Kneel down. Kneel down.

That's it. Good, good, good, good.

-Okay. -Is that it? You got it?

-Yep. -Is that wide enough?

Yep, yep.

-Now take it. -Thank you, thank you.

There's three to choose from and um...

..pants.

Ah, okay.

I'm just going to not have to see you for a couple of hours.

I might just AirDrop this to my phone.

[upbeat music]

[Ange] Hello. [Alex] Yep, hi!

It doesn't seem to have come through.

Did you press 'Accept'?

Isn't it automatic?

No, it's not automatic,

that's why they put the handy 'Accept' button there.

I'll send it again, Jesus.

Okay.

Now I really do need some time

and maybe a peppermint tea actually.

So how do I SnapTap?

[children chattering]

Hello!

[Jake] Hiya.

-Hi Mum! -Some washing of theirs.

What's that on your face?

Dirty washing, my favourite.

Cheek tats.

Oh god.

Hey, I got a calendar reminder for tomorrow night.

Permanent marker, really?

Tomorrow night?

Yeah, it's in the joint calendar.

What does it say?

"Dallas Guitar Abs 7:00 PM."

Is Abby learning guitar now, I thought she was doing violin.

Mhmm.

Viola. Yeah.

Oh, so Dallas is her viola teacher?

Yes.

No.

It's probably a client in the wrong calendar.

-Right. -Guitar?

I can do the guitar.

But when are we supposed to fit in lessons?

No, baby, it's a mistake.

Wow!

Who did your hair?

-Na... -I did.

[Lauren scoffs] Bull shit.

YouTube.

Oh, come on.

You hardly even ever brush her bloody hair.

I do brush their hair.

All right, sometimes.

So Dallas.

This is a person, or a place?

Mhmm.

Remember I have Stanley's robot dress-up party this weekend.

-Yes! -Oh yes, that's right, darling.

Yes, I will help you with that.

I'll wire something up for you.

You do not need to worry because I got this.

Ta-da.

But I thought we were going to make something properly.

It's a bit lame.

No, I know. But then I bought this.

How much did that cost?

Yeah, okay, well,

we can make something, I'll make something with you then.

Dad needs to do the wiring, voice recorder, lights.

I can do it! I'll do it, I'll figure it out.

All right. Suit yourself.

I'm out.

I can always YouTube it.

[tool beeping]

Oh, look, for goodness.

You accepted the dates in the wrong calendar.

Well, I didn't know I had two calendars.

It's all fixed.

Why didn't you just tell him it was a date?

Because it's none of his business.

Sorry, it's just electricity.

Yep.

Thank you.

Have we heard from captain cum?

-Sir Cumalot. -Sir Cumalot.

No. But, I've had an idea.

I'm going to get Dallas to show me his woody

before I commit and then compare it to the photo.

That's actually a very good idea.

Yeah.

Uh.

-Lauren? -Mhmm.

Okay, so this is a Snap Story.

Excuse me.

Starving. [Ange laughs]

Lauren, we've got that meeting.

We can just-

Oh, should I, should I?

No, it's okay. Thank you.

So I've made a story?

So how do I delete this?

-Oh god, okay. -So who has it?

-So you sent this. -Where has this?

Yeah, so basically, you've sent it in direct message to him,

but you've also posted it to all of your contacts.

-All my contacts? -Yeah.

Okay. But, no, it's okay.

Not everyone has this app

and you can actually see who's viewed it by,

no, no.

Yeah, but if you've done it, you can't actually

see who's opened it.

So my

vagina is just out there now?

-Just the main bit. -Yeah.

It's all right, it's just a vagina.

Just a vagina.

I've got a normal vagina.

Power to the vagina, you know?

-Yeah? -Mhmm,

Definitely, definitely.

[upbeat rock music]

Wow.

[Lauren sighs]

Nice garage.

Yes, oh, great, thank you.

[man] So psyched you're here.

Oh, it's good to be here.

Shocking day.

Mhmm.

You thirsty?

[man sighs]

God, you're a babe.

I don't have long before I have to get back.

Cool.

So, get your penis out.

Yeah, cool, cool.

Hiya, would you just, would mind listening to this?

Oh.

It's, I've been working on it since we met.

It's about... old women.

-Oh, okay. -I mean, experienced women.

It's like, starts like. [guitar strumming]

Gotta woman with some class yeah

-Oh, thank you. -That's you.

And a hot mama ass, yeah

Can I please see your penis?

She's a working woman, Hell yeah

And she's going to Make me swell, yeah

Yeah, and so, there's like a pre-chorus that's like...

[man singing]

It's sewn up.

It won't take a moment.

Oh.

[man singing]

-You're circumcised? -Yeah.

Oh, we're good to go then.

[upbeat rock music]

[man] Did you like it? Did you like the song?

Yeah.

-Hyper what? -Spermia.

That's not real.

Rosa, what do you want on your sandwiches?

Well, you don't look like you got drenched in cum.

No, but that's because I compared Dallas' penis

to the picture.

Okay. That's not creepy at all.

You planning on doing that with all the other dates too?

No. It's 50/50.

Callum Salesmen, or Guido Fireman are Superspermer.

Oh, do you have the app SnapTap?

Dunno. Dave might. Why?

Because I may have accidentally posted a public vagina picture.

Wait, what?

Public vagina picture.

What? No, hang on.

Did you just say you posted a picture of your vagina

on SnapTap?

-Just delete it. -Wow, that is...

Quickly, please.

[Helena sighs]

I think Jake's got a girlfriend.

Why?

The girls came home in these incredibly fancy plaits.

Oh shut the front door, wait,

What kind of plaits are we talking?

Perfect French fishtail plaits.

And he said he did it off a YouTube video.

Um mm, no chance. I would lose my shit.

I mean possible girlfriend, whatever,

but do not touch my kid's hair.

Plaits are a bit better than yours, aren't they?

Mhmm.

Well, cheer up. Could be worse.

You could be about to get a face full of cum. Oh wait.

Thank you.

[upbeat music]

Girls, please help me. We're late, obviously.

Mum, can we finish my robot after school?

Yes darling, I promise we will.

Okay, Come on Lola.

I am making my bed.

Yeah, that's the sofa though, isn't it?

Come on, I'm going to count to 20,

13,

22,

15.

Hey, that's not real counting.

Yeah, but that means you're not going to know

when I get to 20 right? 16!

Do you want me to do your hair?

Nope, it's perfect.

Yeah, Did daddy really do your hair?

Uh, Yeah, yeah, Definitely not Nancy.

Who's Nancy?

Dad's friend, yeah.

Yeah, we stayed with her last weekend.

Stayed with her?

[car horn honks]

[upbeat music]

Oh hey, some stuff for the robot.

Who the fuck is Nancy?

Do not take my kids somewhere overnight without telling me

where they are.

Yes, alright I-

What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

Okay.

What about this?

So I was looking for a photo of the girls to send to Mum

and this...

Cocks!

I mean there's heaps of them.

I mean the camera roll, it's, it's full on.

Cock,

cock.

Oh, look another cock.

Here we go. There's more cock, hang on,

is that your...

Just, oh.

Yeah, you, are you still logged on with my Apple ID?

-I don't know. -Oh, for God's sake!

What?

Use your own bloody Apple ID.

I don't know the password.

Sort it out.

[upbeat music]

God.

Alex.

A cup of tea?

Oh yes please.

Can you just put these on for a second?

These arms.

There we are.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that?

Yeah, you just need some silver face paint.

Oh, I've got some.

Yeah, Mardi Gras, 2015.

I went as a sexy hammer.

I was a hit.

Really nailed it.

Hmm, good.

Okay.

Oh.

What?

-Who's dick is this? -Hmm.

[upbeat music]

Where'd you say you got these?

They were sent to a client.

We're trying to work out if we need to take out an AVA,

just considering the evidence.

Like a name tag on the jar.

Well you do know that's semen right?

-Okay. -Really? Is it, wow.

Yeah, that's a 370 gram jar right there, so about 710 mil.

So what we're looking at there is about 410 mil of semen.

-Wow. -Yep.

Now the average man ejaculates approximately,

3.7 mil each time, so I hear.

Now either that's over a hundred loads of, sorry Lauren,

semen, or this guy has hyperspermia-

-Hyperspermia. -All right, okay, okay.

And if you zoom in...

That looks like-

-A Flak jacket -A flak jacket, yeah.

What do firemen wear?

Flak jacket.

Oh, Guido Fireman, cancel him.

Thanks Simon.

Ah nah, all good.

Alex, can I have a quick word?

Yeah, sure Ange, what's up?

Well yesterday I had an AirDrop request from you

and I assumed it was for work, but then I-

Sorry, an AirDrop from me?

Yes, yes.

And before I take this any further,

I thought I should probably just check.

-Is this a vagina? -Christ!

Ange! Sorry, that was actually for a client.

Yeah, we're dealing with some highly sensitive imagery and...

Okay. A client? Right, well,

the protocol for sharing digital imagery is pretty strict.

Highly sensitive,

and Alex must have pressed the wrong button.

[Ange] Right. I see.

Oh, good Lord.

We're doing a range of digital forensics

on a range of genitalia and Alex sent me some evidence.

It's all my fault.

Right.

So I should probably just delete this shouldn't I?

-Yeah. -Yes, yes.

Gosh they're big these days, aren't they?

Sorry, what are?

Phone screens, because in my day they were much smaller.

Yeah.

And this was quite confronting and I got a shock.

They're massive now, yeah.

But I understand. Good, good.

Thank you.

Thank you Ange.

Good.

Thank you. Just delete it.

Sorry Ange for the vagina.

So that was where the AirDrop went?

Uh huh. You are the shittest technology user in the world.

You sent your main bit to Ange.

She doesn't know it's mine.

Do you think she knows it's mine?

[upbeat music]

Mum, did you know Nancy makes her own hummus?

Really?

Yeah, she says that shop bought stuff is full of preservatives.

You just need chickpeas.

I know how to make hummus, Abby.

Then how come you never make it?

I don't have time to make hummus,

people who make their own hummus have too much time

on their hands.

But it's so easy. It's just chickpeas, and lemon juice-

I know how to make hummus Abby,

just because I don't make hummus doesn't mean

I don't know how to make it.

How then?

Chickpeas, lemon juice, olive oil, garlic, tahini.

And salt.

Lola, can you shut the door please?

There's a draught coming through.

A giraffe?

No, a draught.

Oh, phew.

Okay.

Oh damn.

Is it working?

No.

Well, you're not an electrician Mum, Dad is an electrician.

No, but remember,

-You know everything. -I know everything.

Exactly!

And I'm

amazing.

[Lauren claps]

That's just your opinion.

[the box explodes]

Fireworks, yes!

Ah, god.

[upbeat music]

[Lauren screams]

[fire extinguisher sprays]

Great.

[Jake] Thanks, darling.

Thanks for coming over.

It's a good job safety Matt gave us

that fire extinguisher last year.

He got me one for my new place as well.

And some of that off milk yogurt stuff.

-Mhmm. -Yeah.

Yeah, I got it working, and then-

But then it blew up.

I probably should have finished wiring it

before I dropped it off.

Okay.

Wait, what's that?

Kefir.

Oh, well knock yourself out darling.

Okay, I think we're ready.

Okay.

Turn it on.

[electronic noises]

-Light is on. -Yes!

[robotic voice] Stop wasting water. Stop wasting water.

Stop wasting water. Stop wasting water.

Oh, is it stuck?

No it's supposed to.

That's what we want it to say.

So you can drop them back tomorrow after the party, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

There was something I wanted to tell you.

I'm seeing someone.

Yeah, Nancy. I'm aware.

Sorry. I won't take the kids around there

if you don't want me to.

If you want to introduce them to someone, that's your decision.

Just don't take them somewhere overnight

without telling me first, okay?

Right.

And the hair thing.

That's just a bit weird.

Yeah.

And I take it you're seeing lots of someones?

Mhmm.

No one that needs introducing.

Okay.

Do you want me to reset your apple ID?

Nah, sweet as, Nancy has done it.

[Jake] Hey.

-[Nancy] Oh hi. -[Jake] Nancy, Lauren.

Lauren, Nancy.

Hello.

I didn't realise you were here all this time.

Oh no, it's fine. I was just sorting Jake's apps.

Oh, well, next time you must come in and have a cup of tea.

Aww.

Hey, I was going to say,

you might want to check your Snap settings.

It's just, it's really easy to accidentally share something.

I didn't realise Jake had Snap.

Yeah, that was obviously a mistake.

Yeah, no, I definitely didn't deliberately send him-

I just wouldn't want the girls to see your Mrs. Robinson.

Well, my girls see my Mrs. Robinson quite a lot,

but no, I get your point.

Yeah just online, sort of.

Yeah, but they themselves are not online,

but I get your point.

Thank you so much. Nice to meet you.

-Bye bye. -C'mon girls!

Watch your steps, darling. Watch your steps, darling

-Hi girls. -Bye Mum.

Bye-bye darling.

See ya.

Oh my gosh you look amazing.

Look at that.

-Alright. -You look so good.

Are you going to fit in the car?

Get in there, robot

[upbeat rock music]

Hi.

Yeah, Just wondering if we're still on for tonight?

See you soon.

-[man moaning] -[Lauren moaning]

You've been a bad girl haven't you?

Yeah I have. A very bad girl.

Yes officer.

Yes, yes officer I've been a bad girl.

Hang on.

[man panting]

[Lauren groaning]

Oh god, you're so sexy.

Oh you're so dehydrated.

[both moaning]

-I want to cum on your tits. -Okay, okay.

[man] My weapon is...

..about to discharge...

[man] Ahh...

[Lauren screams]

[Lauren] Yeah, I know who's dick it is.

[gentle music]

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