Original subtitles

- Good morning. - Good morning!

I love you.

Jasper!

Hey!

Fuck! Whoa. Whoa.

- Oh, my god. - What's your problem? Dad?

Oh!

Ah! Hey, Hannah.

How's it going, Jasper?

Is it okay? Because it...

Smells like you've burned something.

So Hannah, is this, um...

Is this part of...

- The gay thing? - Dad!

No, I'm just saying if it is, I'm cool.

- It's not part of it. - Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, I think it's totally a part of the gay thing.

I mean this is who I am now, man.

I'm like totally a nudist.

Oh.

Okay.

You girls are so brave.

- I'm sorry. - No, you're not.

If you were, you wouldn't have done it.

If I hadn't, I'd have nothing be sorry about it.

- And besides, your dad loves me. - Yeah, dude, but that's my dad.

You're embarrassing.

Okay, I guess.

Okay, I'm sorry. All right? You were right.

That was stupid of me,

and I didn't mean to mess anything up, okay? I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's okay, thank you.

I just need to get out of that house.

My dad is too much of a risk, apparently.

Apparently.

If only I had someone I could split an apartment with.

The risk doesn't really outweigh the sweet hookup that you have.

He doesn't make you pay rent and he buys all your groceries.

- He loves the homosexual youth. - He's too much.

The other day he genuinely asked me

if he should exclusively buy me pants now.

He buys you pants.

Dude, he's been so supportive since you came out last year.

I just need to finally move out.

I'm 22 years old, I'm not a child anymore.

Whoa, whoa, 22 absolutely still constitutes as being a child.

Why you gonna do that?

Do what?

We're children. We are children that crave sweet,

sweet parent juice, man.

Hey!

Those kids owe me money.

You owe me 40 bucks, dude!

You're not eating breakfast?

Hey!

Sorry sch-Megan.

Mom, he called me sch-Megan.

Don't call your sister sch-Megan.

It's like schmegma and Megan.

What the fuck is schmegma?

Jesus Christ, you're not eating breakfast!

Nicky, what...?

Mom, I gotta go.

I can't remember the last time

she didn't say "fuck" in a sentence.

You have to eat.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

What are you guys doing here?

I thought I was picking you guys up.

Grab his leg!

Ma'am.

- Hi, Hannah. - Grab his leg, Hannah!

What the fuck you doing acting like that?

Throwing each other around like a bunch of fucking loony tunes.

Sorry about that Mrs. Nick's mom.

It's been but a score since I've seen your son last,

and I thought, he looks like he could use a good ass-kicking.

Are you gonna take this breakfast

that I made for you or not?

Congratulations, your first student loan bill came in.

Why are you giving this to me right now?

I'm literally about to leave.

Why do you always do this kind of sh...

Thing.

Always taking the most dramatic option.

I'm literally on my way out the door

and you hand me a problem that I can't manage right now.

- What's your problem? - Nick, that was the deal.

What was the deal? The one where you do this weird manipulative,

keep me on your leash-type shit? I'm literally leaving right now.

I don't have this kind of money.

You're the one who wanted me to go to school in the first place.

Are you kidding me?

When are you all back?

A week. We're staying at my family's beach house.

Oh.

Must be nice.

Well, it was really great seeing you Mrs. N.

I love you.

What was that?

I don't think I heard you right.

- Mom, I'm 23. - You're still living at home.

- I just got back. - Nick!

I love you!

- Problems? - No, mom.

So, what? Guess you can't go now, right?

Do you want me to see if I can borrow my dad's car?

The dadillac?

I can't believe he salvaged this after the incident.

No, no, we are not talking about the incident.

But what we are going to talk about

is how you look like you were about to cry back there.

Me? No, I was caught up in the moment.

Even the world's greatest singers get caught up.

You think Gandhi's ass didn't stutter?

Look, guys, the last time that I saw my parents

they were blowing coke off a machete

and about to take down the cartel.

And they were gone.

What?

Your mom messaged me on Facebook,

like two weeks ago about graduation.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is that I would rather believe

that my parents are jungle warlords instead of

spiteful homophobes who kicked me out when I was 16.

And hey, Nick, do me a favor.

Could you delete my mom on Facebook?

- 'Cause that'd be great. - Okay.

Thank you.

Look, I guess what I'm trying to say

is that at least your dad supports you,

and at least your mom is getting your lazy ass

out of the house, and at now you're chasing it.

Out there chasing that pussy, yo.

- There he is, everyone. - That counts!

Does not!

Yo, so what's changed at the beach house?

I don't know, I haven't gone up there

since we all went like two years ago.

I don't want to go without everybody.

- The dusty old beach house. - Shut up!

Hey Jasper, could you check my bag?

There should be cigarettes.

You smoke now?

You think you're Clint Eastwood or some shit?

Clint Eastwood?

When's the last time you seen a movie, 1979?

Yeah, it was probably last year it was cool to smoke, too!

Relax!

Oh! Dude, these are gross!

Oh!

Bye!

Wanna know why, man? Cause only butts smoke butts!

No, no, no, don't smoke weed in the car.

But this is not weed. This is resin.

And this little lady just happened to find the reservoir.

We all have our vices.

Yeah, apparently. Don't smoke weed in the car!

Oh my god, dude, that was pure butane,

that was absolute pure butane.

This is gonna give you permanent brain fog.

- I'm bringing up the incident! - Don't!

Remember that time in high school

we stole the dadillac?

And it's like two A.M. and you blow through

the fucking stop light right into the cop car?

- My dad was pissed. - Rightfully so.

I literally have no idea

why he'd ever let you borrow that again.

But that was a classic brain fog moment.

Oh, come on, dude!

Let's just like not pretend that I'm the only one

who got us in trouble back then.

What's happening?

Ah...

It seems as though we've run out of gas.

Oh.

Case and point everyone, case and point.

Thank you.

Hey, can I get a, um...

Hey.

- What are you doing? - I'm hungry.

Want some?

You sure?

I know you from somewhere.

- I don't know if you do. - Oh, I totally do.

We went to high school together.

You're Nick maloney.

Baloney maloney.

It's Malone.

Yeah. Yeah. Right, right. And you!

You're that weird gay girl.

Jasper.

Jasper, right.

Hey, you sell pot to my cousin and his friends.

Where's my money?

You do know he's like 16, right?

Stranger danger!

Where's my money? Fuck!

Well, weed's actually medically legal in most states now.

Is it?

So is that just like your whole thing?

You work in a gas station,

and talk shit to everybody who comes through?

Oh shit, it's like a high school reunion in here.

Daddy still paying your bills?

Okay, you know, at least we were memorable. Okay?

Yeah well, so was 9/11, so.

Hey!

Not today, dirtbags!

That's right.

You tried to pull some mission impossible type shit

but got caught stealing.

And I'm calling the cops.

No, no. Dude, come on. Please don't.

Y'all thought you were Tom fucking cruise, didn't ya?

Pro tip, bitches.

I'm the Tom Cruise of this establishment.

I thought your name was Marvin?

Hey, man, don't call the cops. Sorry, we're not Tom Cruise.

We never thought we were Tom Cruise. What did she steal?

She'll give you the money for it right now.

And we'll call it square, okay?

Give me 50.

Fifty bucks?

There's only a few street treats, my friend.

Fifty or I'm gonna call the cops.

I don't...

Oh, yeah.

Hometown heroes who still think they're 16.

Grow up.

What the fuck, guys, with the snacks?

Come on, look, I'm really sorry and I promise I'll pay you back.

But, like, come, that guy fucking sucks!

- And we're all good, right? - Now give me that Booty.

Dude, you can't smoke weed in the car.

Come on.

Faster!

Yeah! Round and around.

Bring it around, baby. Turn that around.

Whoo!

Don't stop, don't stop.

Keep it going, keep it going. Yes, yes, yes.

Wasn't that the exit?

Nick, shut your mouth, come on!

Keep her going!

Yep, that's the exit.

Turning safe direction, stopping traffic.

You can't go park.

I don't know why you keep driving back to the exit.

Shut the fuck up! Let's go! Hannah, keep driving.

Daddy. Yes! Press it hander. I'm sorry.

Here we are, kids.

I don't remember it being so...

Small.

You'd know small.

Alright, Tom Cruise.

All right, so this is a blitzkrieg.

Like the Nazis?

I mean, no, they didn't invent the word blitzkrieg.

Yeah, but contextually.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. We did this

all the time in college.

Nazi shit?

Come on, you take two shots back to back,

and then you shotgun your beer as a chaser.

Oh, that sounds just terrible.

Can I mine over there?

Why?

Splash zone, Nick's gonna spew.

I'm not gonna spew. Ew, spew.

I do this all the time.

I guess that's something to brag about.

Why must you be so cruel?

- Fuck with me. - Oh, shit.

Ahh.

Whoo!

Oh boy, here we go.

Come on, keep it together.

It's bad.

You called it.

When should we tell him?

Whoa, easy there, chica.

One must approach these situations with tact,

and you don't have the same age-old experience

as I do with these kind of things. So...

Nick, Hannah's gay now.

So how severe is it?

- Nick! - What? I mean, like,

are you a full-blown lesbian?

Dude, what the f...

- It was just a question. - A question in jest.

Yeah, I mean...

I think so.

I don't know if I really have it all figured out yet.

And that's okay,

because you don't have to have it figured out.

Right? Man.

Didn't this place use to be cleaner?

What are you talking about? It's great.

Oh, my god, is that a fucking heroin needle?

You can't prove that.

I can't prove that? Jasper, there's an open needle

on the fucking beach, what else would it be used for?

Okay, everyone just relax. All right.

Maybe it's just not the same beach but it's still a beach.

Shh. Hang on. I just came up with something.

What?

Voice message settings. Please record your voice message.

Hey, it's Hannah. I got sand between my cheeks,

so leave a message after the beep.

What the fuck was that?

"I've got sand between my cheeks" is probably

the worst thing that I've ever heard.

- You think it was too much? - Yes, absolutely too much.

Hannah, that didn't even rhyme.

Yes, it did.

No, no didn't, not at all.

Why are you even recording a voicemail anyway?

I'm trying to find something

that illustrates who I am as a person.

I guess "sand between my cheeks" is a prime descriptor.

Are you trying to tell me is that who you are right now

is representative of you are forever.

No. Which is why I try to keep

different representations of myself up to date.

Sand on the beach.

And apparently heroin. So...

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, we should do heroin.

Okay, no, so that's less funny.

Yeah, no much, much less funny.

You know what, maybe it's always sucked here

and we just never noticed.

Oh, yeah. It really sucks to have

a nice, free beach house to stay in

and a beautiful beach to go to.

I think we did it.

Yeah, no, no, fuck me, right?

Oh, no, no, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm kidding. It totally sucks here.

Yeah, it's all right.

Question is, how are we going to make this the vacation

that we always thought it was?

Oh, my god.

So fucked, dude.

Whoo!

That was fucking awesome.

What is your problem?

Excuse me?

That was fucking awesome.

I'm the fucking man, okay?

What? You got a problem?

Huh? You gonna do something, huh?

Huh?

You really can't do shit.

Pussy ass losers.

And that guy's got it all figured out, dude.

Got what? That he's an asshole?

That guy was so drunk that he plowed through us,

called us a bunch of pussies

and stepped on a dirty old beach needle.

How does he have it all figured out?

Everybody steps on a dirty old beach needle from time to time.

It's inevitable, look at the world around us.

I don't know if that's true.

That guy wanted to have a good time.

With complete disregard for everybody else around him.

He thought that he was the man, and in turn made us

think that he was the man.

No, no one thought that he was the man.

All right, he made us think that he thought that he was the man.

He exuded confidence and had but a fantastic time doing so.

What if... what if he's just

some pushover deadbeat that throws on

this douchebag façade?

We wouldn't even be able to tell.

So, why don't we pretend to be those kinds of people, too?

Because we aren't those kinds of people.

Like Marvin said, we're Nick, Jasper, and Hannah,

hometown heroes.

Nick, why must you speak in such a way?

I'm just being considerate to my future self.

The dude's a douchebag on vacation

and a douchebag in real life.

Pretending to be someone I'm not is stupid.

Yeah, but that's what makes it oh-so-great.

We throw on these old ruses and schemes

because they're so stupid.

Absolutely not.

Look what happened at the gas station.

That was fucking stupid.

I'm sorry, but that was fucking stupid.

And because of that, Hannah's out of 50 bucks,

and we just look like a bunch of dipshits.

I don't mean to be all emo or whatever,

but I just wanted to hang out with my best friends.

Not the shitty people they think they have to be

to have a good time.

What, you didn't make any new friends in college?

Hell yeah I made new friends in college.

I'll probably never see them ever again.

The only person going to grad school with me

is Michael Jackson.

You know a kid named Michael Jackson?

Yeah. But he can't dance or sing.

All he ever did was Jack off all the time.

Point is, doing stupid things is stupid.

Hey, enough with the eyes. It's cheating.

Okay, look not to play devil's advocate.

- Here we go. - But everything turned out okay.

Mostly.

Of course you're down.

You just want an excuse to hold Jasper's hand

- and steal shit again. - No.

Okay, maybe. But look,

when's the next time we're going to be here?

Why don't we make the best of it?

Oh, that's cheating. Totally unfair.

Majority rules.

You have to do it.

Hi, can I get you three started with something?

Ah. Yes, bonjour.

Ah, your menu, is there any more pages?

Ah, no.

That's it.

Do you have a baguette?

We have rolls.

Perfect.

Should I get the shrimp or the steak?

Oh, neither.

We are at the diner. Why would you order that?

You will get sick and throw up.

I'm not... I'm not going to get sick.

- You got sick over everything. - I'm sick of your shit.

Oh, putain.

Madame, do you have any escargot?

What's going on here?

- I don't have time for this. - Oh.

Well, I'll be damned.

I pity this menu. I demand escargot on everything.

I pity this restaurant.

Oh, yeah?

Would you like to tell that to the chef?

Hey, Clarence.

Well, I'm ready to escargot the fuck out of here.

Voice message settings.

Please record your voice message.

Hey, it's Hannah.

Leave a message if feel like it.

Whoa, what is that all about?

Only sometimes.

Where's Jasper? She's taking forever.

Bathroom.

Can I ask you something?

Absolutely not.

Things aren't gonna be like, weird or anything. Are they?

What? No, of course not.

I mean, you and jas together, you know, committed, dating.

We're not like dating, dating you know.

Like nothing officially official at least.

It seemed like you two were a thing.

Well a thing doesn't have to be anything official, though.

And it's not like we have time for that, anyways.

Like, we're both so busy.

So busy you can't just like slap a label on it?

Who's to say.

What do you care, anyway?

- If my friends are dating... - We're not dating.

I just think it's gonna fuck up

the feng shui of the whole friendship.

"Feng shui of the whole friendship."

- Yes. If you're dating... - We're not dating.

So there can't be any problems, okay?

It wouldn't be like a problem anyway

if she wasn't making it such a thing.

You're ruining the feng shui with your wickedness.

You are yelling.

You only say it like that

so you pretend like I won't hear it.

But then you'll act all offended

if I pretend like I didn't hear you.

Somebody needs to hear it, okay?

I just need her to grow up, dude.

I'm like, head over heels for this girl

and I love doing stupid things with her, but, like...

Emotionally she's just...

I think it's your own fault for thinking

she's even capable that.

She's been the same since high school, you know?

Yeah.

Yo, what up, you penises?

All right, so, Hannah,

you're going to come to the aisle with me,

and Nick. You're going to pretend to be blind.

Blind? Why am I blind?

Because you got to distract whoever's working at the counter

while Jasper and I shove beers in her bag.

You're not paying for them? I'm not doing this.

Why would we pay for them?

Hey, I don't know if you've noticed this,

but, um, I'm black.

It's one thing when the little white girl gets caught

doing something bad,

but when the black man gets caught...

Nick, we're the same age.

Wow, do you not watch the news? They don't care.

This is right next to haunted houses and spiked kombucha

on the white people's shit shelf. I'm not about it.

You know what? You can stay here outside,

but if you want to come inside, you have to pretend to be blind.

Okay?

Come on.

I can pretend to be anyone I want, but I'm still black.

Ah...

What?

Ah. I'm blind.

How are you today?

Dude, come on.

I'm going. Shut up.

You're not blind. What is this?

What do you want?

You look so cute lifting shop.

What?

- Are they looking? - I don't know.

- Let me check. - Okay.

Oh... my god.

- Hi there. - Hello.

Oh, my god, it is you. Wait right here.

- It is us. - Apparently.

Hey! No running in here!

How dare you...

Excuse me?

Accusing me of having the gift of sight! Incredible.

You're looking right at me!

You're mean right now, and I didn't do anything.

Oh, my god, it is them.

No, no, no. They're cops.

No! That's them.

That's pocket hot dog.

You guys are incredible.

- I love your music. - I'm Allison.

- I'm Lindsey. - And we are pocket hot dog.

- That's so hap! - The most hap!

- What? - Where's Angus?

I didn't do anything!

You come into my store and act as it's your own.

How am I acting like it's...

Hey!

What are you guys doing back there? Get up here now!

Um...

Can you take this and meet us outside?

Jas, you can't do that. What is she gets caught?

That's the point.

- No, you can't... - Now!

Excuse me!

All I said was "hi" and you doubted my blindness.

You're not blind, pal. You tried to steal from me.

How?

Young lady, what's in that bag?

You're being a massive wiener right now.

Weiner? I'm a massive...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Open that bag back there!

Hey, brother, it's okay.

Look at you, man!

You got a mop, dripping all over yourself.

You're a mess.

You don't have to be here, man. I mean...

We both know that you don't want to be here.

Huh?

We all got aspirations.

But we're out there chasing ours.

You. You're here swabbing the poop deck

on the ship of someone else's dreams, man.

Don't you wanna be captain ahab calling the shots,

chasing that white whale?

"There are certain queer times and occasions

in this strange mixed affair we call life..."

"When a man takes the whole universe

for a vast practical joke..."

"Though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns..."

"And more than suspects that the joke is at..."

"Is at nobody's expense..."

"But his own."

What in heavenly fuck?

What have I become?

Take whatever you want.

What?

Just leave me the fucking pretzels.

Dude, that was so cool.

I do what I can when I do what I do.

What? It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, makes all the sense, man.

Were you...

Is that Jasper's backpack?

Why does she have your backpack? Why is she stealing for you?

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay, Angus.

Angus?

I'd do anything for you.

- And pocket hot dog. - Charlie, that was so hap.

Hap?

Oh. That's pretty cool, it's heavy.

You guys stole a lot of stuff here.

We really did save your asses, huh?

That is punk.

Punk is funk, brother. Punk is funk.

I know what it's like being on the road.

Money gets tight. I get it, #vanlife.

That's what pocket hot dog is all about. Right?

I'm sorry I doubted you, all right?

I just that I thought you were narks out to get us.

But here you are!

You can't trust anybody anymore, you know what I mean?

- I'm Charlie. - Hey.

I know this is being forward and all,

but can we take a selfie?

And an autograph?

We're having a little thing at my place,

not a party or anything. Just us here folks,

but if you want, we'd love to have you.

Hang out, soak up some good vibes...

- It'd be pretty hap. - What is "hap?" Like hepatitis?

- Where at? - Right down the road.

Could we talk? We'll be right back.

What are you doing?

Yeah, I'm not the keenest on this idea.

Guys, Charlie single-handedly got us out of that mess.

He's totally cool, we can hang.

They think we're a fucking band, that's a perfect in.

It seems ridiculous. Was he quoting Moby dick before?

He was totally quoting Moby dick.

That guy is a ghost or a ghoul from 1827

and I'm not fucking with it.

Isn't that why we're doing what we're doing, though?

Sorry, Jasper. Majority rules.

No ghouls!

No! We talked about this!

Sorry, Nick. Majority rules.

I can't win.

Shit.

- Cool, right? - Yeah...

Yeah. It's my spirit animal.

Did that myself after a crazy ayahuasca trip.

You know, I'm a libra.

Yeah. That's cool.

- Do you want a drink? - Yes! Yes!

Yo, check this out.

What about it?

I know this is pure speculation,

but this dude absolutely killed his wife

in some ritualistic heaven's gate kool-aid bullshit.

- That's probably dramatic. - Look at his face!

Those are the eyes of a murderer!

- I'm telling you, I've seen it! - You've seen it?

On those investigative shows and shit.

You watch too many of those. I keep telling you that.

And you can't start freaking out or else I'll freak out.

What about you two?

Drink?

No, thanks. We have beers.

Suit yourselves.

All right! Let's raise our glasses.

Cheers to an incredible night

with the one and only pocket hot dog.

Pocket hot dog!

Let me stop you there.

I know.

Know what?

I know you're not who you're pretending to be.

I'm kidding, man!

You're up on that stage, you gotta put on

that facade of confidence, but in the real world you're...

Quiet, subtle.

Nervousness gets all of us, I get it.

This is an intimate setting.

You're on vacation. You're not performing.

Yeah?

- Totally. - Preferably, actually.

That would be totally awesome.

You guys mind if I play you a little song I wrote?

I don't want to impose.

- Please. - Go ahead, do your thing.

All right.

Here we go. This one is called...

"Why do all the hottest porn stars

do all the weird fetish shit?"

♪ The sun is shining ♪

♪ tanning my skin ♪

♪ the oceans sings a song ♪

♪ with the wind

♪ I'll lead the atmosphere ♪

♪ for lunch

♪ cause for brunch I had a big 'ol helping ♪

♪ of cunt

wow.

Lunch, brunch, cunt.

I guess he needed a word that rhymed.

What? That doesn't even rhyme, Hannah.

Yeah, it does. I hear it. It sounds similar.

No, it doesn't rhyme.

White people.

I think I'm getting ass tonight.

I'm serious, man.

When has it ever been this obvious to tell? Watch.

Watch this shit.

I'm gonna eat the Booty like garbage.

Don't you mean "like groceries?"

No, I'll suck it like garbage.

I'm gonna eat the Booty like garbage.

No, we get it. You're disgusting.

We are pocket hot dog.

Eat my pussy!

No, I'm not going in.

Please.

No.

I don't wanna go in the pool.

- Please? - No.

Come on!

Just for a little bit.

- Come on. - I don't wanna get wet.

Come on.

- Please? - No.

Jasper, no, my phone!

I love you.

I love you, too.

Get the fuck out of my house!

I Okay, alright, shit, fuck.

Nick! Get up! Get up! Get up!

I love you! What's going on?

You gotta go! Gotta go out the back.

Go right out back, there.

Wow.

These ones are young, even for you.

Don't look at them!

You're the woman from the picture.

You're the guy in my fucking house!

That was kind of fucked up.

What happened back there? That was his wife!

Did you see her face when she was pointing at you?

"You're the guy in my fucking house!"

Guys, I'm so sorry. This was totally my idea.

Oh, I'm pissed!

Somebody do the Titanic thing with me.

Okay.

Come on!

Oh, what'd I look like?

- Totally hook up with that. - He's a babe.

Hey! You want date my friend?

Date my friend!

That's not what I want.

- He loves penis! - That's not what I love at all.

No, hey!

What are you doing drinking that in here?

You can't drink in the park.

We don't know what you're talking about.

We're connoisseurs of good taste.

Oh, yeah.

- My fault. Fuck me, right? - What about that guy?

Whoo!

And that's a winner.

Isn't that the guy who called me a pussy loser?

And he's totally fucking hammered right now.

But he's hot so it's different.

If I can't get hammered in the park, neither can you.

Get rid of it.

You're a stupid bitch, don't touch me!

There you go!

Voilà!

Like, I'll punch you in the face.

- I'll punch you in the face. - No, no!

- I'll punch you in the face. - Whoa, hey.

You said you wanted me to punch you in the face.

Why are we talking about punching people in the face?

Cause I have a lot of masculine energy

as a lesbian and I need to make sure everyone knows

that I'm gay.

I've never thought of it that way.

No one ever thinks about lesbians.

They never think about lesbians.

I do, sometimes.

In a cool way or in a weird way?

Um...

We need more booze!

We need more booze!

We need more booze!

Booze!

Let's get more booze.

Let's get more booze.

Enough with the pointing.

Oh. Another victim, guys!

What are we, serial killers?

"Victim" is a strong word.

How would you say it?

You're my victim.

Now I'm just aroused.

- Oh, my god, that's dark! - What?

"I'm a victim."

- Nick, stop! Ew! - That's disgusting.

I just had everything replaced.

She's sexy, ain't she?

There's no way this can go well.

It's truly an impossibility.

I just came in this morning from the city.

Figured today would be a perfect day

to feel the wind rip through your hair.

If you think she's sexy on the outside,

you should really see what she's like on the inside.

She's got a brand new...

Engine. New sound system, too.

She's just, like, toyed right now.

- This is your car? - Howdy it is, dude!

You sure about that?

Because the last time I checked it was my car.

The Cleveland diesel.

If she's gonna put all her energy into this bit

it's gonna get stale quick.

I just want a drink!

Did you talk with her yet? About your feelsies?

Not yet.

I'm gonna to tell her for you.

You can't slip past me! I'm Cleveland d!

- That's a stupid fucking name. - What's yours?

- Jasper. - Casper.

Jasper.

Jasper the friendly joke! That's a stupid ass name.

Get out of here with that business!

I sold you this fucking car! You know what, fuck you!

- There it is. - Should we do something?

Probably.

I can't be old and a pussy either.

I thought ugly girls are supposed to make up

for their looks.

I'm so sorry about that.

She's my brother's sister's girlfriend.

- Nice. - Who are these guys?

- Losers. Bunch of losers. - Exactly.

A bunch of fucking losers.

Enough with the po-

I didn't do anything!

I'm gonna throw up.

You okay?

I should've had a better comeback!

You're a loser!

Couldn't say that, I was just pointing at him!

Pointing at his face!

Could've said "you're a loser."

- Is my phone back there? - No! Froze up!

Froze up! I'm stronger than that!

- I left it at the house. - At Charlie's?

Yes, at Charlie's.

Fuck. I don't want to go back there.

Oh, come on dude. It wasn't that bad!

It was so bad!

What are you talking about?

I love you.

What's not to like about him?

Okay.

- Can we roll down the windows? - You're being kind of rude.

Jasper, do you honestly think he thought we were in some band?

- No! - Yes, you did!

I didn't, because he told me last night!

Hey.

- Finding everything on? - Oh, shit!

That jacket suits you.

It's very... Madonna.

- Dude, I'm so sorry. - It's all good.

You can keep it.

Is this yours?

Well, it was.

And that right there, see?

That's pocket hot dog.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Dude, I'm so fucking sorry.

You lied about being in a band.

It was my band.

Wait. You guys came up to us.

We did, yeah.

- What was that all about? - I know.

We did a shitty thing.

I don't know, you guys...

You reminded me of me and all the crazy, stupid shit

I used to do when I was your age.

- Sorry, I was dishonest. - So none of that was real.

You guys thinking we were somebody else

and the store owner catching us stealing...

No, the store owner... That was all real.

I've never seen this dude before in my life.

So, wait.

You just happen to have Herman melville

in your pocket all the time?

I'm a man of many wonders.

What?

What's funny?

That's fucking crazy. That's weird.

It's not crazier than you pretending

to be somebody you're not. That's crazy.

We both lied. We're both weird.

Maybe, yeah.

No, entirely.

I just wanna hang out with like-minded people.

But, um...

What about your wife?

I don't know. She's...

I told her about the whole idea

of going on this great American road trip,

seeing all the sights, taking it all in,

meeting like-minded people,

seeing if maybe they wanted to come along for the journey.

She wasn't too stoked about that.

That's where those two girls come to play?

- Allison and Lindsey? - Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

We're just lonely people looking for some connection.

You know?

Yeah.

I know.

He told you last night and you didn't tell anyone?

You let us sleep there and...

You should've said something.

I'm gonna look for it back here.

Um...

It went to voicemail.

Oh, god.

I knew it would be a mess.

- Allison! Lindsey! - Relax.

Hey, y'all.

What's going on?

Just a little spat.

- Get the fuck out of my house! - Shit!

God damn it!

I think I left my phone here.

- You're a piece of shit! - Charlie!

Oh my god. Charlie?

They call you Charlie?

Who do you think you are, Charles manson?

His name is ned, you stupid bimbos!

Hey! Women don't have to hate other women

when men are at fault.

- Y'all are angels. - Shut up.

- Charlie! - What do you want?

What do you want me to do?

Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

Right? I'm in the middle of something.

Go bother somebody else!

You want us to just walk away?

I think that would be a really good idea right now.

You're an asshole. You're not who we thought you were.

I'm exactly what I told you I was!

I'm a revolutionary, man!

- Revolutionary? - Nick!

Since when is careening young girls around

to boost your ego revolutionary?

Since when is walking out on a marriage

for two months to sleep around

with god knows how many women revolutionary?

Um...

You guys have a car...

Can I ride with you?

I'm in something of a pickle here.

- Yeah. - No.

Are you stupid?

I'm not letting that guy into my dad's car.

I'm not stupid. He needs help.

Yeah, apparently.

I'm sorry for that back there.

Before I never see you both ever again,

I just want to come clean and say that...

Shh. What you're about to say... we know.

Let it go unsaid.

It's be a shame if the truth we lived last night were tarnished.

Goodbye, Angus.

Oh, my god! You're disgusting!

I'm sorry!

You can't just call me stupid like that. It's not okay.

Jasper, I didn't mean it like that.

So what did you mean it like?

Can we just go?

Can we leave all this behind and just go to the beach house?

Can you say "I'm sorry?"

What do you want me to say?

I want you to say sorry for calling me stupid.

You're not stupid.

You can't say it, can you? You can't say "I'm sorry."

- Why can't you say it? - Why can't you say you love me?

Wow. Wow.

What the fuck are you even talking about?

I said it in the exact same geographical location!

- You were drunk. - I still meant it!

Okay. If you meant it, then say it again.

For real, if you meant it, then say it again.

I'll start. Jasper, I love you.

- Do you? - Oh, my god.

- I heard your voice message. - What message?

"It wouldn't be a thing

if Jasper wasn't making it such a thing.

She's been the same since high school.

It's your fault for thinking she'd grow up."

What the fuck does that even mean?

You guys think I'm a kid? And my favorite one,

"your problems are gonna ruin

the feng shui of our friendship."

Am I really being this much of a bother?

- Jasper, it's not like that. - What's it like?

What's the hap, cool guys?

You both called me stupid and fucking immature.

What the fuck is up?

Hannah, you really think that I don't love you?

I believe what I said word for word last night,

that I fucking love you.

That was the first time you ever told me that.

- No it isn't. - Hold up!

No.

The amount of time I stick my neck out for you,

- I fucking follow you around... - You're your own person!

I am not your keeper!

You are so fucking...

- Stupid? - Yes!

You are being stupid! You are being so stupid, Jasper!

What are you doing?

Sorry, Charlie.

Guys? I think we should go.

How many times have we slept together?

How many times have we gone out together?

You told me that you love me one time.

That was last night.

That is what's stupid.

Sorry, I didn't mean to call you stupid, dumb, or whatever,

but you're acting like it.

If this didn't get brought up to you,

you wouldn't have thought twice about us.

- Yes I would! - No, you wouldn't have.

Because you act like a fucking child.

You don't care!

You fucking deal drugs to teenagers,

and you're comfortable doing nothing with your life, Jasper.

You think you're fucking better than me?

I never said that.

You live in the same town. You never left.

You live off of money you don't earn!

Selling money isn't really earning money!

But it is, though!

At least I'm not asking dad for money when I'm in a tight spot,

or borrowing his car or going to his fucking beach house!

You think you're such a fucking grown-up,

but at the end of the day you're some spoiled brat

who thinks she's entitled to anything that comes her way.

How about we stop all this because we need to go.

Nick, shut the fuck up!

All you've done this whole vacation

is fucking complain and get blackout drunk.

You want to talk about me?

I do want to fucking talk about you.

Fuck, man! Now you got me involved in this shit!

Jasper, fuck that!

When I'm saying I'm not about something,

I'm not making that decision arbitrarily.

How do you think it looks having me running around,

stealing and scheming and shit?

I'm not some cute little white girl, Jasper!

We're in a fantasy land full of bright colors and fun,

but my bounds will always be narrower than yours.

Don't guilt me for putting my wellbeing first.

This whole vacation I just wanted to hang out with my friends

and not do stupid shit that, like I said before,

will result in something dumb like this.

Excuse me when you two bicker about your unrequited love.

Kendra, open the door!

Fuck me. You guys never listen to me anyway.

Guys, just leave me the fuck alone. Okay?

So... all right.

No? All right.

How about this?

Why don't we go to the beach and have some drinks?

Kick back in the sand, hang out, chill...

Vibe, sand... no?

It's supposed to be beautiful the rest of the day.

We're going back to the beach house.

Oh, come on!

Those fucking bitches, dude!

Calling me immature? Me?

She still lives with her dad but I'm the child, right?

Best friends, dude, we were best fucking friends.

And Nick? Don't even get me started, man.

It's not like we forced him to do anything!

We're a bunch of shit heads.

I don't understand why everything has to be

so fucking serious all the time.

Despite my marriage falling apart

and my only travel companions seeing me as a piece of shit

and my wife, soon to be ex, burning all my things,

including but not limited to

the last 20 years of my life in photos that tmz

will no longer have access to

when my inevitable rise to infamy

results in my inevitable downfall

because of drug usage and the mental strain

of celebrity status!

Yeah! Your fucking friends, man. They screwed you. They suck.

I didn't cause your life to implode on itself,

- you did that. - Thank you!

- What? - I'm just saying

that you could be a little more sensitive to my situation.

- Your situation? - Yeah, my situation.

- You cheated on your wife! - No, I did not.

Well, she thinks you did.

Okay. But only a little.

Only a little?

Do you ever take responsibility for your actions?

- Do you? - Fuck, yes, I do!

God!

Don't give me that look, ned!

I take responsibility for my own bullshit.

- I know when I'm wrong! - Then where are your friends?

Why aren't they here?

'Cause I know where my wife is.

She's back home probably either laughing wildly

at my burned things or she's inside,

alone and crying...

Because of me.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, man.

Maybe I'll take that trip, see the world,

find those like-minded people, you know?

Wait, you're not gonna go back to her?

You're such an asshole!

You have to go back and say something!

You didn't say something to what's-her-name.

- Hannah. - Hannah, right.

You didn't say something to her.

You're being a little hypocritical right now.

No one is asking you, okay? It's different.

How?

You were married, Charlie. Married!

We weren't even together. We weren't even official!

Wouldn't they think that's your fault?

No! It's not my fault!

I shouldn't be forced to be something that I'm not!

The whole label thing, I just can't do it.

You put a label on. You have to go and fix it!

In what scenario does someone repeatedly break someone's heart

and still end up together and happy?

Like nothing ever happened,

like all is right with the world?

You're not even gonna try?

Nope.

Charlie, she cried for you, dude.

And she lit my stuff on fire!

Passionately! She set the fire ablaze with a passion!

Come on!

Imma set this bowl ablaze with passion.

Resin. Oh.

Fuck.

Look, as it stands,

we're both stuck here,

eating this poop sandwich

we so beautifully prepared for ourselves.

- Poop sandwich? - Let's just hang out!

We can get stoned and hit the road.

Take that big American road trip,

go find those like-minded people.

Kinda like us.

You know Charlie, I don't think we're very like-minded.

You're just standing here smoking dirty resin.

You can't even face yourself, man.

You lied your way into my home last night

because you weren't happy with who you were.

- That's not true. - Then what was it?

People who like themselves don't pretend to be other people.

Don't act like we're any different.

You run away from your problems, and so do I.

Well, not anymore.

Oh, come on now!

At least...

At least take my number.

Here. Hold that for a second.

Oh, sweet, sweet resin.

There you go.

Shoot me a call if you change your mind.

I won't.

You won't call me or won't change your mind?

- Both. Neither. - What?

Whatever I want.

- Hannah, pull over! - What?

I'm gonna throw up.

I don't wanna throw up in the dadillac. Pull over!

- Okay, shit. - Pull over!

Is that my phone?

- Yeah. - Who is it?

No one.

What do you mean, "no one?" It's my phone. Who was it?

It was your mom.

She's the worst.

She's your mom. Why is she the worst?

She forces me to pay for college and apparently

I'm up to my cheeks in bills I can't pay

that I didn't ask for. It's not what I wanna do.

What do you wanna do?

I don't know. I need time to figure it out.

Isn't that what college is for?

It's gonna pay off.

You're going to grad school. That's like an immediate job.

I don't wanna go to grad school, degrees don't mean shit.

Don't be an idiot. To some people they do.

Why didn't you go? You could've went.

I didn't want to.

Then don't call me an idiot for not wanting to go.

Right.

Did you not want to go because of Jasper?

I didn't go because nobody forced me to go.

Nobody knew better than me.

At least nobody posed themselves to know better than me.

You good?

I hope.

- You gotta hold it. - Thank you, I know.

I'm holding it.

Please leave your message for...

Hey, it's Hannah.

You know what to do.

Stupid.

Oh. Oh.

Ah. Okay.

Tried and true. Tried and true.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Jasper! What the fuck was that?

I didn't think that would happen!

They do it all the time in the movies!

I'm so sorry!

- That sucks! - What are you doing here?

I don't know, man.

I know that I really wanna talk to you.

We came here together, right?

- Do you wanna come in? - Obviously!

Hey.

Hi.

Hannah, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have called you names.

I should've told you that I loved you more.

So let me give you...

You know everything is gonna be fine, right?

I don't know if things can go back to the way they were,

but if they can, I really hope that they do.

And if they can't?

Should I get the shrimp or the steak?

Enough with the shrimp or the steak thing! It's morning.

You gonna catch salmonella, dude.

You don't catch salmonella, it's not like the flu.

You're gonna get salmonella, then.

Why? Why, Jasper?

You know exactly why.

How is everyone this morning?

Oh, god...

Hello, love! I was wondering

what your favorite thing on the menu was.

Great! The funny people are back.

Can I get the sea biscuit?

Seabiscuit's a horse!

They serve horse here?

Yeah!

Can I get 14 hot dogs?

Do you ever wonder how things are gonna turn out for us?

If we're making the right choices or not?

How you made a choice to order fish at a diner?

Or how you made the choice to get food poisoning?

Or how you two decided to be dicks to me

and I could steal the dadillac

and leave your asses here forever.

- You wouldn't do that. - Big talk.

Seriously.

Do you ever think we'll know

if we're making the right choices or not?

No.

Dude! You've got a long enough joint?

Don't smoke weed in the car!

Don't...!

Oh, I wanna smoke, you guys.

The one with the long legs usually wins.

- Yeah? - That's me.

Prove it!

Guys, I think you're going too fast for the slow mo.

Maybe you guys should slow down.

I'm just using my leg extenders.

Yes!

She's in the lead!

They fell for her fucking trick!

- No! - They're such idiots!

What up, bitch!

In overdrive, now.

Daddy long legs.

That should be your porn name or something.