All language subtitles for Natural.Disasters.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

What?

♪ Today is your birthday ♪

- ♪ It's my birthday too ♪
- It's not my birthday,

you piece of shit.

Every day is your birthday,

and today is the gift
of conversation.

I don't want your conversation.

Your voice is making me
wanna pour Drano down my ears.

Aww, that's the sweetest thing
you've ever said to me!

I love you so much,
I'll take that to my...

- Mm.
- Mm.

Can I help you?

I didn't mean
to blow you off last night,

okay?

Okay.

Wait!

I took two Nyquil
and passed out.

I didn't wake up until
after midnight, I swear.

I put on normal clothes for you.

I'm sorry.

But I got you Pedialyte
and a burrito.

I think it's cheese.

I assumed you might need it
after the very aggressive

and slurred hate message
you left me.

- Don't make any jokes.
- Right. Sorry.

Can I come in?

Please?

You're, uh, glowing today,
by the way.

You are! You're...
you're beautiful,

you're a queen,
I'm serious, please.

If you do that again,

you better ingest
every Nyquil pill you own.

Done.

- I'm serious.
- I... fuckin' promise.

Okay, then,
wipe that smile off your face!

I'm... I'm trying, but it's...

- I'm serious.
- Can I fuckin' enter, or...

Uh-uh-uh!

What?

Burrito.

Mm.

Thank you.

Uh! Scratch my back.

All right.

- Like this?
- Harder.

Down.

- Mm.
- Mm-hm.

To the left a little.

Yeah.

Do that one thing
that I like.

Mm-hm.

- That's not what I like!
- This one thing.

- No.
- I'm outta here.

No!

Nathan, stop.

Ouch!

Ow.

- No.
- What?

- Stop.
- Keep going?

- Oh, I make you so wet!
- You a good boy?

You gonna do everything
I tell you to do?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?

- Yes.
- Okay, keep fucking me, then.

Harder, you little bitch!

Always such a fucking pussy!

Fucking me.

Don't come yet.

- Hold it in!
- Oh, I'm so close!

Oh, I'm sorry!

All right.

Oh, man.

Um... yeah, can I get
a white chocolate mocha...

decaf?

Oh, and with skim milk,
not regular milk.

Size?

Um...

Medium.

Oh wait, no, no... large.

Actually...

Can I get a medium
in a large cup

with extra whipped cream?

Yeah, sure.
Anything else?

Oh yeah. Can I get
one of those low-cal bagels?

Oh, um, the freshest one?

No... not that one.
The one in the back.

Hey, man, you wanna
do your job?

I'm trying to get an education,

make a better life for myself.

- You're reading manga.
- Yeah.

- Hm.
- Does that turn you on?

A cultured man reading
Japanese literature?

My vagina has literally
never been so dry.

I'm into that.

- Just like...
- Fine.

Sage?

A word.

Kyle.

Sage, it's all about keeping
the order side of the cup

facing out.

Expedited service,
keeping it smooth, slick.

After all, we are
a well-oiled machine.

- Yes.
- Got it.

Good, good, good.
Also... ahem...

We need to discuss
your upsell tactics?

Mm-hm.

You know, this was brewed
by Somalian street orphans.

Lot of children had to die
for this coffee.

Here.

Take it.
It's yours.

Take it.

Goodbye.

Enjoy!

Think about it like
carpe diem.

Seize the opportunity.

Make them want
what they don't have.

We're a model store.

Other locations
look up to us.

I mean, it's like
we are delivering

the opiate of the masses.

It's... it's a domino effect,

really.

Okay.

- Was that it?
- Yeah, that's all,

back to the register.

All right, people,
let's keep it moving.

Hey, Sage!

C'mere, come on.

I just... I don't want
you to forget

to wipe down the tables,
so...

this is for you!

I hope you choke on your vomit
and die in your sleep.

Stop flirting with me
in the workplace.

This is a sacred environment!

Fine! I'll go out with you!

Come back.
Please come back.

No.

I really can't tell
if I'm turned on

or if I wanna, like,
gouge out his eyes

and force-feed him
his own testicles, you know?

Ooh! That, I can
get on board with.

How many times
is he gonna upset you

before you realize
you just gotta move on?

I suck at this game.

You gotta give
more hand jobs.

Exercise that wrist.

- Nobody likes hand jobs.
- Whoa.

Seventh-graders like hand jobs.

That's true.

- Ew.
- You could masturbate.

I hate masturbating.

What did you say?

My arm gets tired.

Better start
flickin' that clit.

Ew, stop!

You really need
to get more comfortable

with your sexuality.

It has nothing to do
with my sexuality.

I just don't like that word.

- "Clit"?
- Yes.

Or it really might be
your sexuality.

- Thank you.
- I love sex!

Cum! Penis! Vagina! Areola!

Tip of the dick!

I don't fuckin' know,
I just don't like

that specific word.

Oh, shit!

Eight!

Sorry, Casey, you lose.

So you can swallow jizz
but you can't take down

two ounces of tequila?

I don't swallow.

What do you do in bed?

You swallow?

Duh.

Do you swallow?

It depends on the guy, but...
yeah.

I mean, the consistency!
It's like...

melted rubber.

That's why you gotta...
deep-throat

and just let it shoot back.

It also sounds like
he might be eating something

that he should not be eating.

I don't know, I think
I'm just not a texture person

or something.

You can't complain about cum
until you've had Jason Michaels

blow his wad all over you.

I forgot about Jason.

- Who was Jason?
- Junk jizz.

A piece of jizz literally
flew out of his dick

onto my hand.

Like the peelable glue
that you get

in magazine perfume samples.

That's repulsive.

Not as bad
as Colgate jizz.

- Debatable.
- No!

- Yes!
- It's so much worse!

- Go.
- Okay.

This guy, when he came,
it was literally like

squeezing a tube of toothpaste.

The jizz just, like, spiraled
out of the tip of his dick.

Does that sound right to you?

Does that sound right
to you?

- That is rich.
- Gross adjectives.

Why do you guys
do this to me?

And now you have rubber jizz,
so, you know,

it's like we're a team.

Worst league ever.

Whatever, man.

- Oh, fuck!
- What?

I need to start handling
my own prints,

because I'm making, like,
$2 through a third party.

It's a total scam.

- Hm.
- Well, better start wearing

low-cut shirts to work
and rack up that tip money.

Okay, yeah, first of all,
I don't have boobs,

if you didn't notice;
secondly,

please do not bring up work.

I'll drink to that.

What? I thought the
publishing house was going well.

An unpaid internship's
not really helping with rent.

You're still interning?

I guess they're hesitant
to move someone up

with no college credentials
and a late-in-life GED.

I have a degree
and I serve coffee for a living,

if that makes you feel better.

It does! Thank you.

Yeah, but that's an art degree.

Wow.

Thank you for putting my failure
into perspective.

Okay, I didn't mean it
like that.

I just...

There's no, like,
set career path.

Oh, believe me, I would much
rather have a career

with a path as clear-cut
as selling insurance.

Okay.

It's a transitional job.

And it pays well.

Not that that money's
actually enjoyed.

I love your dad,

but he's draining you dry,
honey.

And how, exactly,
are you paying for things?

- Savings.
- Hm.

I don't have a lot of time.

My conference is in 20 minutes.

That's plenty.

Sit down.

Take off my pants.

- Oh no, I'm good, thank you.
- Drink it.

Look at me.

Yeah.

Just like that.

Keep drinking.

Tastes good, doesn't it?

- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.

Stop! Don't swallow!

Oh, God!

Slap me.

Harder.

Hit me again.

Hit me again!

Now, the water!

Spit it in my face!

You can go now.

There you go.

I think it's best to keep
a positive perspective.

I know this feels like
a low point,

but perhaps this could be
a renewed beginning.

If you'd like to come in
twice a week,

I do have an opening
on Thursdays.

Medium latte,
triple shot, iced.

Ahem!

Are you sure
you wouldn't like a large

for just 25 cents more?

I'm sure that
I'd like a medium.

Because if I wanted a large,

I would have ordered a large.

And I'm also sure
that I can't be late

to a very important meeting,
so,

if you could do your job
quickly

and get me the medium iced latte
I ordered,

I can give you this as a tip

and we can say our goodbyes.

Okay.

Anything else?

Thanks.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Are you gonna help us close?

Uh, no thanks.

Okay, cool!

Just remember,
drive fast and take chances!

Here.

That is a solid amount of cash
to be flaunting.

Don't get overzealous
and spend it all in one place.

- Seventeen dollars?
- America.

Land of opportunity.

No, I'm excited.

It's the exact down payment
I needed for my ad, actually,

so...

Ha-ha! Hard work
really does pay off.

It does!

So.

How's the art stuff?

It's good, it's a nice,
consistent reminder

of my unfulfilled potential.

So I should expect
to see your work at the Getty

in the near future.

Oh yeah, any day now.

You know, I really hope
they display the one

with the, uh, Grim Reaper
and the coffee cup,

I think that's my favorite.

You asshole.

I couldn't help myself.

I'm sorry!

I saw an opportunity while
you were cleaning the bathroom!

You're triggering
some very sensitive issues

from my childhood right now,
please stop.

Please stop.

Ew! Get that out of my face
right now.

I'm serious.

No, you made
a very serious mistake.

Okay. I have acne-prone skin.

Why is it red?

Because I used it to clean up
the menstrual blood

in the women's stall.

What the fuck? No! Ew! No!

No, and my guess is
I'll really have you...

Okay, please, I will do anything
to make it up to you.

- Please stop!
- It's too late for that.

Okay, I have a bowl
in the back!

Can I hit that yet?

Nope.

Can't believe you were gonna
wipe period on my face.

It was strawberry syrup,
relax.

You think I'd touch that rag?

Your work really is great.

Yeah, well, you and Edna
seem to be the only two people

that think that, so...

- Edna?
- Oh yeah.

She's a repeat Etsy customer
I have.

She's, like, 60, has a parrot,
and is a devout Wiccan,

according to her profile.

Whoa.

Hey, at least you know
you have a wide target audience.

I really think you should make,
like,

a coffee table book
or something, you know?

Yeah, and then sell it
to Urban Outfitters

so edgy teens can purchase it?

- Totally.
- Fuck you, I'm being serious.

You can put, like, little
witty one-liners underneath.

It'd be cool.

No more input from you.

Look. I'm just trying to keep
the artistic spirit alive.

And I, for one, appreciate
your dark sense of humor.

It reminds me of this director
I've been getting into.

He just did a movie
about a widowed mortician

that falls in love
with one of his corpses,

and, um, well, they're actually
screening it this week,

- I wanted to...
- No.

Yeah, I mean, I get it,
you don't want to spend

your hard-earned money
on movie tickets.

Which, uh, happens
to work out perfectly,

considering
I have two tickets.

Kyle!

- I know what you're gonna say.
- I don't date.

Right.

That's what I was getting to.

And I also don't like
saying no,

so the less you ask,
the less I'll have to do that.

For sure, for sure.

Look. I respect
your life choices.

I, um, I just think
you're missing

a profound opportunity.

Opportunity leads
to disappointment.

See, and then you say
stuff like that

and you lead me on
and it's cruel.

It's not you.

You know that.

What?

Okay.

We flirt, right?

We hook up.

We date for two years.

Shit hits the fan,

we take another two years
to call it off, and by then,

we're, like, 30
with nothing but wasted time,

wasted youth,
wasted emotions,

and we've totally
fucked each other up.

I was thinking maybe we start
with bowling or something?

Hey, I'll let you
think about it.

You can finish that, I'm good.

I'm gonna go mop up
back of house or something.

Hello, excuse me, excuse me!

- Did she notice?
- Nah, girl. You're good.

Trish, you are
a fucking angel.

I know.

Hi!

Hi.

Sorry, I get really sucked in
when I'm reading.

You must be Margaret.

- Morgan.
- Morgan, yes... no, sorry.

I know I knew that.

- Fuck!
- That's okay. Close enough.

And you are?

Oh, Myles.

I'm gonna be interning
with you guys... girls, girls.

- Female girls.
- Cool!

What happened to Amy?

They moved her
to the assistant position

in Young Adult,
lucky bitch.

Good for her, though!

I-I-I meant, like, uh,

women advancing
and the glass ceiling, and...

Myles.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay.

Olivia?

Alan?

Come on in.

Make yourself comfortable.

So, Alan.

What do you want?

Oh boy, um...

I'm not entirely sure, uh...

I do have some ideas,
but I've...

I've never done this before.

Shy, huh?

I like that.

Don't be nervous.

We'll work through it
together.

Let's start at the beginning.

How do you like it?

Hard or soft?

Hard.

Hard and fast
or hard and slow?

Oh, hard and slow.

- I like hard and slow, too.
- That's... that's great.

Close your eyes for me.

I want you to tell me exactly
what you want to do to me.

Okay?

Okay.

We're on the bed,

and you're stroking my knee.

It tickles.

Do you like it
when I stroke your knee?

I like it
when you stroke my knee.

What else am I doing
that you like?

You unbutton my shirt,

and then you...
you take it off,

and then my pants,
you take those off too.

And then... and then,
you take your clothes off.

So now,
no one's wearing clothes.

And...

and then,
you kiss me,

and you kiss the...
the tip of my penis,

and you lick it,
you lick it with your tongue.

And you're sucking on it,

and you're gagging.

You're gagging so loud,

and I slap you in the face
with it.

I dick-slap you
right in the face,

and you say,
"Oh, slap me again, Daddy,

with your big, fat cock!"

And so I do.

And then I grab you
by the back of the hair

and I pull you up

and I press your face
against the wall

and I tell you
what a bad girl you've been.

And you beg me
not to punish you,

but bad girls need
to get punished.

So I spank you,

I spank you so hard,

and you say,
"I'll be a good girl, Daddy,

I promise!"

And I say, "That's what
you said last time.

You need to learn your lesson,

and I'm gonna
fuck it into you."

So that's what I do.

I bend you over

and I'm fucking you
with my big cock,

and your cum
is dripping down my balls,

and you're moaning
and I'm spanking you

and I'm choking you,

hitting your head
against the wall,

and then I cum.

I cum so hard,
it shoots all over your face.

And it's in your eyes,

and it's dripping
down your nose,

and it's all over
the filthy bathroom.

And I look at you
and I say,

"Look at the mess you made,
you dirty little bitch.

Clean it up."

So was it as good
as the last time?

Excuse me?

Uh, the food.

Full disclosure:

I'm not trying to be creepy.

I saw you here
the other day

and I was gonna say something,

but then I didn't,

because I kinda find you
incredibly intimidating.

You think I'm intimidating.

- Very much so.
- Wow.

That's some poor judgment.

No, I think you need
to give yourself more credit.

Well, I can't be
that intimidating

with the quick turnaround.

Oh... no, I had a beer.

- Ah. The truth comes out.
- So it does.

I'm Lowick.

Morgan.

Just so you know,

I kinda consider myself
a pho connoisseur.

That is...
that is painfully dorky.

Speaking of,

you are more than welcome
to come sit over here,

if you want.

Because you're eating alone

and you look like
a total loser.

You're eating alone.

Well, yeah, but I already have
the whole dork thing

going on pretty strong,

so loser suits me.

I do like sports, though.

- I don't think that helps.
- Shit.

You know what?

Just forget I said anything.

Or I... you look like
you've had a hard week.

So I'm... I'm gonna come
over there with this.

Hi!

Hi.

- You know what's crazy?
- What?

Sitting at a table
with another human being

can make you feel so much better
about your life.

So what happened?

With what?

You know. Your day.

You look like
you had a hard day,

and we've established
it can't possibly be

about the food.

Just work stuff.

Mm. I get that.

Work can be a pain in the ass.

You have no idea.

Why? What do you do?

It's lame.

Oh my God.

- You just lied to me.
- No I didn't.

We just shared
our first lie,

and it came
from your mouth.

- No!
- Here's the thing about lying.

Lying is something
that I do not mess around with,

me personally.

If this is something
we're gonna continue...

"This"?

Yeah, eating
at the same restaurant.

Got it.

Then I'm gonna need you to be
completely honest with me.

I think I can manage that.

So, Morgan.

- Yes.
- What do you do?

I'm an almost-publisher.

- Mm.
- Mm.

So you just loiter
outside of the building

demanding pay?

- Yes.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to, uh,
underestimate your position.

Okay. What kind of books
do you pretend-publish?

Fantasy.

Say that again.

Fantasy.

- No, I heard you the first time.
- Okay.

You were making fun of me
and calling me a loser.

Fantasy can be really cool.

Yeah, if you're
my nine-year-old nephew

and you're in love
with Twilight.

Your nephew likes Twilight?

He loves Twilight.

He's not very popular
with the ladies.

Oh. I've got cash.

No, it's fine, I got it.

Put it on the card. Thanks.

You're good, he's gone.

Okay, hm.

What is the best almost-book
you've ever read?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, um...

it's about these two worlds
that exist.

One is well-manicured,
it's for the elite,

and the other one is rural,

- it's incredibly impoverished.
- It's like Elysium.

The Matt Damon movie.

If this is dumb, we really
don't have to do this.

No, keep talking
I'm listening, I'm sorry.

- I'll shut up.
- Yeah? Okay.

So, this child is born
in the second world,

but this mom, she doesn't
want her child to live, like,

through a life of struggles.

So she smuggles the baby
to the first world.

Naturally.

That's it.

That's all you're gonna tell me.

Yes.

You're just gonna leave me
on a cliff like that.

Well, you're engaged, right?

This is like
the end of The Sopranos.

- Well, you're not gonna...
- You just cut to bl...

Seem a little tense, kiddo.

I'm fine.

Work stuff.

I'm telling you,

you have to check out this forum
that I've been attending.

Don't laugh.

Okay? It's about
choosing your happiness, okay?

Being proactive.

None of this manifesting
or meditation bullshit.

I mean, it's real stuff
that you can use

and make an immediate impact
in your life.

- Immediate?
- Yeah. Well...

it still takes time
and work, you know,

but it's...
it's really incredible.

No, it sounds like
a pyramid scheme.

It's not...

- Forget it.
- No, I'm sorry, Dad, I'm sorry,

keep telling me
about your cult.

It's not a cult.

Look, all I'm saying is,

it pushes you to get out there

and make the most
of our time here.

Hm.

Did you know

that the chances of us being
who we are,

alive,
right now at this time,

is one in three trillion?

- Oh wow.
- Yeah. Isn't that amazing?

- Can I get you anything else?
- Yeah, another mimosa, please.

Definitely.

- And for you, sir?
- Uh, yeah, um...

I'll just take
some more coffee and, uh...

and the check, please.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You can talk to me.

I know. I know!

I know I can.

I love you.

I love you too.

Promise me you'll
check into the forum?

Hey! Thank you,
I got that.

Oof. Um, yeah,
got my, uh, cards right here,

packed them, yeah...

Wait a second.

Coulda sworn
I put them right here.

I woke up this morning,
I put it in my... yes, I know,

they've gotta be here,
I know they're here.

Dammit.

I put it here,
I know I put it here today,

- I put it right here.
- You know, Dad, totally fine.

- I got it.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Don't even worry about it.
- A father should be able

to take his daughter
out for lunch.

Just give me one second, please.

- Put it on there...
- I'll take that, please,

just do that.

Dad, totally fine,
not a big deal.

Put that right there,
hold on a second, I think...

ahh!

Forgot I put 'em
in my pants.

- Could you do me a favor?
- Oh, he has two cards.

- Thirty on this one.
- Thirty on that.

And then the rest on...

- Is that the same card?
- You know what?

He'll pay me back.

- Thank you so much.
- Dad, I was a waiter,

that's really difficult,
please.

- No, it's not!
- Okay, fine.

Oh my God, Dad, please!

Here, it's totally fine,
thank you.

You know what? Hey, hey...

It's totally fine.

You didn't have to do that.

Dad, it's fine.

You think I like my daughter
paying for herself

- around me?
- I'm an adult!

It's okay.

Maybe.

But you're still my child.

Okay.

Bottoms up.

Oh my God!

No, that's not true.

No, it's fine, I'm...

No! Somebody's gonna see.

Nobody's gonna see.

- It's gonna be fine.
- Yes, they are!

I'm into it, I'm into it.

My God, no, just come in.

It's a quiet hallway.

Do you wanna...
do you wanna come in?

Yeah, let's...
let's go inside.

Give me a break.

Come on. Go ahead.

Casey.

It's good to see you.

I thought you were
out of town, Max.

I was.

But I'm back now.

But don't worry,
these walls are...

...pretty thick.

Is Nathan home?

Maybe.

I think he was, uh,
texting some girl.

Hey, sexy.

Hey.

Hey, sexy.

Um, right back at you.

Thank you.

This is a very,

very, very, very,
very pleasant surprise.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, lucky for you
I have another surprise for you.

Gimme your hand.

- No underwear.
- Mm-hm.

- Smooth.
- Yeah.

Oh, you're smooth too.

We really gotta work
on our sex talk.

Yeah, we do.

Ow, ow, ow, my ear.

Sorry, sorry.

Good try, yeah.

And one more thing,
just to conclude.

The employee
with the most upsells...

remember, upsells...

at the end of each month
will get a prize.

This month,
the prize will be...

drumroll, please.

Yeah, thanks, Jeff.

The winner will get
20 Dave & Buster's dollars!

What? Yes!

- I have a question.
- What?

Is that exchangeable?

Exchangeable for what?

- Well, real money.
- For cash.

I don't go to Dave & Buster's.

No, shut up.
Anyone else?

- When's this meeting over?
- Pardon?

Never mind.

Do you even work here?

Ma'am, I'm sorry,
we open at 5 a.m.

You have to stop doing this.

It's not funny, Sage.

Sorry.

It's not funny.

Can we lock the doors next time?

- All right.
- Yeah, thanks.

Oh, loser!

Okay, I was going easy on you,

but I'm done doing it.

You scored on yourself!

All right,
you see this?

- Yeah.
- So let's talk about...

- Talk about what?
- ...the next...

Ooh. This is a fast game.

Come on, then.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Man, I can't wait
to see the face you make

when you lose.

Yeah, that's...
yeah, that's rich.

You're a goddamned
fucking comedian.

Thank you.

No, no... wait, wait!

Stakes.

Ooh. Forgot about stakes.

Name your price.

I win,
you get a Sailor Moon tattoo

on your ass.

Mm. Yeah, no, I was thinking
more in the realm of, like,

mm, I buy you dinner.

You already bought me dinner.

Okay. Use it as
a frame of reference.

Um...

Oh, oh, oh, ha!

I win,

you shave off
both your eyebrows.

No. But closer.

Pussy?

Sure. Yeah, you win,
I get your pussy.

It was a joke, I don't want
any of your pussy.

I am so sorry,
that was such a bad joke.

Ooh! I win,

you paint your nails hot pink.

I'm not really sure
how you made that leap,

but done!

- Toenails included.
- Fine.

But, if I win...

Unlikely.

...you have to tell me
something about yourself

that most people don't know.

You're a closed book.

Gotta get the story out
somehow.

Although I don't know
why you'd be worried

unless you think maybe
there's some chance

you might lose?

Funny,
you fucking bastard.

You ready?

Oh, I'm ready.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Almost.

- Oh!
- Oh my God,

you're so angry.

Oh, God.

- Yes!
- Nooo! No, no, no, no!

- I told you I'd win.
- No! Oh, I can't breathe.

Oh, that is rich.

- Hold still.
- No, no.

Okay, good. Hold still,
hold still, hold still.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- No, no!
- That's good, that's perfect.

Oh, look, look!

- Oh, the face of defeat...
- Help me!

...is rich!

It is like that homeless man
bent over and released

an inhuman amount
of explosive diarrhea,

and then decided to just do,
like,

a 360 while he was at it.

Wow. Is that what you say
to all the ladies?

Just you.

Touched.

Hey, do you think
the ceiling fan in the back

is high enough for me
to hang a noose from?

Come on,
don't sound so bleak.

You've got those Dave & Buster's
bucks to look forward to,

you can't forget that,

it's important information.

All right, I'm just
gonna come out and say it,

'cause I know everyone else
is thinking it.

You're gay?

I wish.

My romantic life would be
a lot less depressing

if that was the case.

Well, word on the street is
you've given a blow job,

so I'm sure if you enjoyed that,

you will be
pleasantly surprised by it.

Okay, first of all,

I was on the receiving end
of that blow job,

and that was
a onetime experiment,

it doesn't make me gay.

It's not...

It definitely brings
your level of straight

into question.

Like you're so pure,

Miss "It's easier
to go down on a girl

than it is to suck a dick."

Yeah. It is.
It absolutely is.

And that was
a threesome situation,

not one-on-one,
so totally different scenario.

You know what?

Those certificates are going
straight to Grace Kim,

by the way.

Who, by pure chance
being of Asian descent

has the natural ability
to just beat all of us,

because she's Asian.

Yeah, I don't think
the ceiling fan

will sustain your weight,
but...

you could try the exposed pipe
in the walk-in freezer.

Just a thought.

I love my life.

Well, it could be worse.

You could be Laurel.

I never thought about that.

- That's really dark.
- That's super dark.

That's also funny!

I'm telling you, you got
this dark humor thing down.

You should really
capitalize on it,

do some stand-up.

In fact, there's this
really cool open mic

- Thursday...
- No!

What can I do?

What can I do
to change your mind?

Not suck dick, yeah.

I told you,
I was on the receiving end.

Oh my God, I forgot, yeah, and
also not get your dick sucked

by other dudes.

See? Now you're just
setting me up for failure.

Why do you do that?

Oh no, you are doing that
all on your own, I promise.

So if I hadn't let Martin
have his way with me,

then you'd let me date you?

Honestly?

I don't even care
that you like dudes, whatever.

It's your... general existence
that repels me,

it's just like, ugh.

Wow. Okay, you know what?

I don't even like you anymore.

All right? There. I said it.

I've been over you for a while.

And you know what?

Martin loves me
for who I am,

so fuck you.

Where are you going?

I'm going to hang myself
from the freezer.

Unless you'd miss me.

Oh no, you go ahead,
you have fun.

Bye!

Okay.

Have I got something
special for you.

So what is it?

Some red wine.

- Tell me. Tell me.
- It's a good cab,

cab sauvignon, somethin'.

It's Trader Joe's house wine.

That's, like, six bucks.

Four. Got it on clearance.

Well, then,
I hope it has mold

and you go into
anaphylactic shock.

That could very potentially lead
to both of our deaths.

I welcome death.

Hm. Cheers.

To our mass suicide.

Okay.

Oh, it's terrible!

I am so sorry.

That's all right.

I don't think so,
I think it's the worst thing

that's ever been
inside my mouth.

There's been some weird shit
in my mouth.

But that is bad.

Uggh!

Okay.

You ready?

For what?

What?

- Talk.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No, we really don't

have to do this.

Oh, we really do,
because if I had lost,

you'da made me
paint my fingernails,

so you're...
you're gonna talk.

But whatever
I'm gonna come up with

is gonna be lame
and depressing so, no.

I love lame and depressing,

that's why I asked you out.

Fuck you.

Fine. Okay.

I haven't talked
with my parents in 10 years.

- Okay.
- That's it.

You have any cheese
that can go with this?

You're not gonna
get away with that.

If I drink
on an empty stomach,

things tend to get
a little slutty.

And I like you,

so I wanna just
stay a little classy.

You said you like me!

Oh.

- Did you like that?
- Don't ever do that ever again.

- No?
- Could you maybe, like,

talk a little low, maybe that?

- Like Vin Diesel?
- Yes.

Family.

I can't really
lower my voice that much, but...

- family.
- Oh!

- Fantastic.
- Fine!

- What?
- If I get you cheese,

will you please finish?

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
get the cheese!

Yes!

Uggh!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Cheese, knife, crackers.

- Are you serious?
- I'm very serious.

Blue cheese?

What else do you want from me?

Who hurt you as a child
that you put out blue cheese?

- I like you.
- Aww!

A little bit.

No matter what you tell me,

that's not gonna change.

I promise.

Okay.

Um...

My dad,

he used to drink.

And one night,

we were watching TV
in the living room,

my mom had fallen asleep putting
my little brother to bed.

My head was in my dad's lap.

He was stroking my hair.

And, um, then I felt
this hand go up my shirt.

First, I didn't know
what to do,

but eventually,
I snapped up,

walked back to my room,

and I slept with the desk chair
pushed against the doorknob.

And the next day,

he pretended like
nothing had ever happened.

So at first I thought
maybe he didn't remember

or maybe I was
remembering it wrong, but...

every time we would be alone
in a room together,

he would look at me
like he remembered.

Sure enough, another night,
I woke up, and...

Well, anyways,

I ended up telling my mom
couple months later.

She freaked out,

and my dad said
that he was hurt

that I would say
something like that,

that he would never hurt me
in a million years, that I...

that I was his little girl.

But my mom threw me
out of the house,

and I haven't seen either them
or my little brother since.

I'm so sorry.

It happens.

And now, end Chapter One,
right?

I really hope that I didn't
make you talk about something

that you didn't want
to talk about, I...

I kinda feel like
a total asshole right now.

That's because
you are an asshole.

I hope I didn't
scare you off too much.

No, no...

No, I'm just kidding.

Not at all.

What? No. Ugh!

Okay, fine.

I can make you something.

- You want eggs?
- No, I don't have time for that,

I'm already late.

I can make it real quick!

No!

- They're eggs!
- No!

All right, well, just
grab something from the kitchen

before you go.

- I already did.
- Oh! Sneaky little shithead.

- I know.
- Mm.

Gonna miss you.

Gonna miss you too.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Mm, so minty fresh!

You're minty fresh.

Where you going?

Dude.

Are you even reading
or just staring?

- I'm staring.
- I know.

Did she notice?

- Yeah.
- Yep.

Shit.

Okay, um...
was she pissed?

I mean, it's hard to tell.

She asked where you were.

Fuck!

Leeds?

My office.

She's... she's in a good mood.

- Hmph.
- No she's not.

Shut up!

Do you enjoy
working for this company?

Absolutely, ma'am.

We want a team of people
who take a serious interest

in building a future
at this company.

Okay.

We have an opening
in Adult Fiction.

It's not a huge
starting salary,

but a definite pay jump
from zero,

plus benefits
and room to advance.

We can draft up a contract
starting Monday.

I can take that as a yes?

I'm so proud of you,

you beautiful,
beautiful creature!

Oh, here we go, okay.

Hey, you ready,
or should I give you a moment?

Another round of Bellinis,
please,

and make them real strong.

Or something
less embarrassing.

We're celebrating,

so we need it to be fancy!

And add in some mortification
to balance out the good news.

With Bellinis.

- Apparently.
- She just got a promotion.

- Congratulations!
- Thank you...

Adrian.

...Adrian.

Can I also get
a shot of tequila,

something redemptive?

Can you make that
two shots of tequila, please?

Sure.

Really?

I'm out just having fun.

Really?

You know what, I'll get in
on that shot, please.

Yes!

I'm warding off depression,
it's a serious thing.

All right, tequila preference?

Well.

Wow, must've been
some kind of promotion.

Unpaid to paid,
so in some respects, yes.

I haven't quite made the jump
from well brand.

Casamigos, on me.

Thank you.

- Casamigos is the best.
- Yes.

Enjoy.

Oh, very nice.

Is your vagina
always this magnetic?

Dude, he is really hot,
just saying.

Oh, God, I admire someone
who can chug a Bellini.

Seriously, I'm just having...

Having fun, we heard.

I personally am a fan
of drunk Casey.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, good, then you can be
the one she gropes

when she passes her limit.

Okay, that was one time.

- It was more than once.
- It was more than once.

I'm just having fun tonight.

Oh, you said that.

Let's go have some fun!

Hyperbole.

Why is that so funny?

I have no idea.

I'm getting dropped off.

No!

No, you cannot leave.

We are a tribe.

Yeah, Sage, we're a tribe.

Uh-huh, lesbian tribe.

Okay.

You can't leave,
that is child abuse.

Sir, tell her she cannot leave
because that is child abuse.

Okay, I think only dolphins
could hear that.

Look at these breasts!

They're so perfect and shiny

and soft.

You could have one to two
nipples in your mouth

at any given moment,
and, oh, it would just be...

heaven, wouldn't it?

Okay, you don't need
to answer that.

- Thank you.
- He's gonna answer.

Let the man be heard.

Would it be heaven or would...

Sir, I have a question for you.

Yeah?

What kind of jizz do you have?
Does it taste like rubber?

- Okay!
- What?

It's human nature.
Stop being embarrassing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You know what else is natural?
Yeah?

Melatonin and hot tea, okay?

Let's get you some of that.

- Yeah?
- I think I'm gonna puke.

No, no, there's no puking
in the car, okay?

Can you hear that, Casey?

If you puke,
you have to swallow it.

You gotta swallow it, okay?

- Okay.
- It's okay, baby, it's okay.

We'll get you home.

We'll catch it right in here.

Let's go somewhere else.

No, go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep, please.

Please put her back to sleep.

My nipple 'bout to pop out.

Hello?

What are you wearing?

You just get home?

Mm-hmm.

- You have fun?
- Mm-hmm.

Did you have fun?

Mmm, went to bed at 10 p.m.,
so, yeah, had a blast.

Well, you should come over
to my bed

and blast something in my face.

Look, as much fun
as that sounds,

I can't tonight.

What, why?

Because it's 3 a.m.

So?

So, I have to wake up early.

Please?

I really can't.

I'll swallow!

Call you tomorrow, okay?

It's just a mock-up,
it's not the final thing.

Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, I was looking
for a nice way

to tell you how shitty it is.

I'm kidding!

Okay, well, what do you think?

I think I should've
trademarked that.

Does this mean that
I actually inspired you?

Don't get cocky.

Ooh, don't say "cock" around me,
that turns me on.

Okay, bye-bye, you're done.

- That was a compliment.
- Don't touch that.

Okay, I won't.

Whoa.

I'm not asking you
if it's boring.

I'm telling you that you said
that looked fair,

but it was very foul.

Oh my God, you are so creepy!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, Skylar, this is Morgan;
Morgan, this is Skylar.

- Oh my God, Morgan.
- Hi.

- Stoked to finally meet you!
- Really?

Oh my gosh! Yes!

Oh, uh, I'm gonna get a drink.

Okay. You can stay.

I'm just gonna get a drink,
like real...

- You can go get a drink.
- I'm gonna be like right back.

- You can stay.
- I promise.

- You can get a drink.
- It's so good to meet you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I hate...

- Don't flick me.
- Don't flick me!

Hey, be nice, be nice,
or no more fries!

I'll be nice.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Have some more fries.
- Thank you.

We'll head out of here
as soon as this inning's over.

Oh, I love it
when you talk frat to me.

Come here, come here.

By God, you're still
minty fresh!

My gum's still minty fresh!

You have a little Buffalo sauce
on your face.

- I was saving it for you.
- Yeah?

You're the sweetest.

- You have no idea.
- No?

Reach into my pocket.

Okay.

- There you go.
- Yeah?

- Lower.
- Okay.

- Grab it.
- Okay.

Get it!

That's it!

- You didn't.
- I did.

No!

Tums!

For later,
'cause you burp so much.

Fuck you, but thank you!

Hey, Jared, Morgan;
Morgan, Jared.

Hi... Morgan.

Good to finally meet you.

Same.

So, remind me, how long
have you two been together?

Since February.

Wow, that...

that's a long time.

Jared and I go way back.

All the way to middle school.

- No way.
- Way.

Yeah, surprising we still talk,
actually,

considering how much
we hated each other.

That's very funny.

- Hilarious.
- Yeah, he, uh...

Well, I'll say this
to your face

'cause you're sitting
right in front of me.

You were a total dickhole.

Oh, not in front of the lady.

He was, he knows that though,
I've told him a million times.

- Different now.
- He's a changed man.

Just depends on the day.

And yet, here we are,

all these years later.

Go!

- Oh!
- Jesus.

It's out! It's out!

This is fun.

What?

Are you mad at me?

Look, I'm sorry
I didn't come over, okay?

I was half asleep
when you called.

Okay.

Let me take you out
to dinner tonight.

Stop bribing me with food.

Please.

Even if I wanted to,

my head feels like
it's peeling in half.

So, there's not much movement
going on right now.

I'll take it.
I'll call you around 6.

I'll bring you whatever
you want, just text me.

I love you.

Shit.

Hello?

Sage, hey, it's Aubrey!

Um, can you work tonight?

Uh...

I can't tonight.

Please, Sage.

If I get one more write-up,
Laurel is gonna fire me,

and I can't lose this job.

I just enrolled in acting class,

and my agent says
I need to do a self-tape,

and then
my acting teacher's like,

"Hey, you should probably take
a yoga class,"

you know, just like,
to loosen up and stuff

because I'm just really tense
all the fucking time.

So, how am I gonna afford
a yoga class...

Did you ask Grace Kim already?

She quit.

What, when?

Like a month ago.

She got into med school
or something,

which is great,
you know, whatever,

but I have this huge audition,

and now I'm totally fucked.

I'm supposed to be playing
this meth addict

who finds herself
through violin.

It's really hard to explain,
but it's a comedy pilot,

and I just, like,
really need time

to, like, focus on my craft,
you know?

Please, Sage.

Please, please, please,
please, please, please.

Yeah, okay, all right,
fine, yes, I will do it.

Oh my God, thank you so much!

You're the fucking best,
I owe you.

Okay, gotta go, bye.

We're good, let's do it.

I done had a long-ass morning.

The fuck you mean
you can't take my coupon?

- It's expired.
- By one day.

Yeah, which makes it expired.

See, this is some bullshit.

Okay, I physically can't take
your coupon

because the button for it
doesn't exist anymore.

It's 'cause I'm Black, ain't it?

Man, fuck this whole
racist-ass shit,

that little fake-ass smile
you do.

Fucking white mints.
Fuck your white mints.

What the hell you lookin' at?
What you holdin'?

Man, you got shit in your hand.

Turn around, motherfucker!

Go back there
and make some coffee.

Look at me!
Now go make some fucking coffee!

Y'all motherfuckers just lost
yourselves a valuable customer.

Great, thanks!

Thank you so much!

Sage.

Now.

I have my phone
and my wallet,

but I cannot find my jacket.

I don't know, I don't know
where your jacket is.

Duty calls.

Come here.

Thank you.

For what?

For everything.

For making me feel wanted
and important.

Just being nice.

What's going on?

Okay.

I'm just...

very much in like with you.

Like love.

I'm in like-love with you.

I've never told anyone that
before,

and I just thought
you should know that.

I really like-love you too.

You don't have to say that.

I don't care if you do or don't.

Yet despite your indifference
to my feelings,

um, I really do.

Even if you are
a ginormous nerd.

How dare you?

You know that I don't
just, like, watch

that much Harry Potter
for anyone, right?

You like those movies.

No, I like those movies because
I have to like those movies.

Whatever, I watched
The Bachelor for you.

You promise me that is not
something we will speak of.

- Promise.
- You won't tell.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Okay, bye for real.

Hey, um,

it's almost 9 p.m.

I'm guessing you're not coming
over with dinner anymore.

Look, I'm not even mad, I just
want to make sure you're okay,

so... call me back.

Bye.

Hey, congratulations
on your first write-up.

- It's my second.
- Oh.

Well, if you want to vent
about it, there's...

Why, why do you ask when
you know the answer already?

I thought maybe I caught you
on an off day.

Nope.

My bad.

Shit, there's another
homeless guy.

Shit.

Am I overreacting?

Not at all.
He could've texted or called.

It's not even that he treats me
bad, per se, it's just like,

it feels... I don't know,

like he doesn't even care
if I'm there or if I'm not.

It's just convenient.
I'm a human Fleshlight.

He cares about you,
obviously, I mean,

you guys have been together
since you were, what, 14?

Sixteen.

- On and off.
- My point is,

you cannot take someone
like that seriously.

It's like... it's like
he's a carnival ride.

Fun but totally unreliable.

Great analogy.

I got stuck on Zipper once.

It was incredibly traumatic.

I'm sorry.

I hate being that person
that's always...

crying about a boyfriend,
it's embarrassing.

If it makes you feel any better,

you're definitely the best
customer we've had all day.

It's true, yeah.

Casey, I know you don't want
to hear this,

but the dude is
a self-indulgent twig

with a faux hawk.

- Oh...
- I don't know the guy,

but that sends
a lot of red flags.

Kyle!

I was talking to myself.

Okay, the faux hawk was a phase.

I can't believe
we're having this conversation.

Well, maybe this is the push
you need to move on.

Stop prolonging
your own suffering.

You want some more tea?

Oh, I have a whiskey flask
in the back.

I can make you a hot toddy
or something.

Absolutely.

Are you sure you want
to be drinking right now?

Please let me mourn
without judgment.

You know, the best way
to get over someone

is to get under someone.

Consider this:

orgy.

Okay, do you want to go drink
at my house?

- Yes!
- Okay.

- We're leaving.
- Can I come?

Nope.

- Why not?
- Not invited.

Because you have to stay here
and clean.

- Okay.
- Later days.

- I love you.
- Bye.

Fuck.

Hello?

Thank you for letting me eat
Lowick's pizza.

And his wine.

It was a surprise anyway,
so he won't know the difference.

You know, you can put
the shoe down.

It's not gonna make the glue
dry any faster.

- It's my favorite pair.
- Dude, you're fine.

That stuff can glue a baby
to the back of a bus.

Okay, that would never happen,
never.

Yeah, 'cause
the Lifetime Movie Network

is known for its realism.

Suspension of disbelief.

Dude, now I'm in
on a Friday night.

Just when I was
starting to feel

a little bit better
about myself.

Hey, you're not watching alone.

That's true, feel you.

You know what?

So what we're not getting
shit-faced on a Friday night.

We're bonding!

Big deal!

I mean, there is nothing
to be ashamed of.

Whatever happened to real,
intellectual conversation?

We are watching a TV movie

about a teenager
trying to steal a fetus.

I don't think that qualifies
as intellectual conversation.

So then... let's talk.

- About what?
- Anything.

- Except boys.
- Or work.

Thanks.

- I have a question.
- Splash zone.

What, what's your question?

Are you guys' vaginas
symmetrical?

Morgan!

Elaborate.

I just feel like
the right side of mine

is just a little bit longer.

- The inside or the outside?
- Inside.

It's not hugely noticeable,
it's just...

It just feels like
it's just a little bit longer.

Mine is like that on the left.

- Like you have to tuck it in?
- Ew, you guys!

Well, thank you.

That's all I needed to hear.

Oh my God.

- What?
- It's Nathan, what do I do?

- You ignore it.
- Mm-hmm.

That's what you do.

No, but I just want to know
what his excuse is.

- No, no!
- Who cares?

I do!

Casey, don't answer that,
come on.

Just, okay,
just talk really loud

like we're out and we're having
a really fun time

and we're at a party
or something.

- Just do it!
- Um, I am having so much fun!

Oh my God, you guys, stop,
you're hilarious!

Hello?

Hey, babe, it's me... shut up.

Who?

Nathan.

Oh, hey, what's up?

Sorry, it's just so loud
at this party that I'm at.

Is... is that Morgan?

Uh, yeah, it is.

She's... she's with me.

You know what, one second.

I'm in the bathroom now.

Sorry, crazy in there.

But enough about my night.
Where are you?

I thought we had plans.

Yeah, I know, look, I'm sorry,

but Max had tickets to go see
Chance the Rapper last minute,

and then my phone died,
so, um...

Anyway, we're at
this after-party now,

and I finally found a charger
so I can call you.

You're at... you're at
an after-party right now?

Yeah, yeah.

Look, I... I owe you

and I will make this up to you,
I promise.

But it sounds like you're having
a really good time anyway.

Yeah, I am.

You know, I am
at an after-party too, actually.

For Ludacris.

Wait, what, you're at an...

you're at an after-party
for Ludacris?

We are having a banging time,
and I mean that literally.

I let him and his rapper friends
gang-bang me

with their big, huge cocks!

Oh, oh, oh, here they come.

- Okay.
- Banging on the bathroom door.

Ooh!

Uh... this bathroom,
it's so shiny.

- So nice!
- I'm sorry,

what were you saying?

Casey, look, I'm sorry.

I guess I messed up, didn't I?

- So, um...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

it's just so hard
to hear you because

Pharrell jizzed
in my ears earlier,

and the semen is making it
really hard to hear.

Just a big, fat wad
of non-rubber rapper jizz

all in my mouth!

Woo! Oh, oh my God!

Kid Cudi, your balls
are so fucking soft!

Okay, you know what, um,
I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

He hung up.

You're fine.

Yeah, it was really articulate.

Hi.

Hi.

Long night?

Very.

Thought you'd be in bed by now.

Uh, yeah, I, uh...

couldn't sleep.

Casey wasn't feeling well,

so I was with her and Sage.

Were you?

Yeah, hence... leftover pizza.

There was more,
but the other pieces got mugged.

Yeah, I'm not really hungry.

I, um...

I got dinner with Jared.

Oh.

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know how.

Were you planning
on telling me?

I don't know.

I was embarrassed, okay?

You were embarrassed?

Imagine how I felt

when my best friend told me

that my girlfriend
fucks for money.

Fucked.

Past tense.

Just out of curiosity,
when was the last guy?

Was it the week we met?

Was it the day we met?

Okay, um...

Right, I guess next topic,

are there... are there any kids

that I should know about?

No?

Okay, well, that's good,
no kids.

Um...

Do you run a drug cartel?

I wanted to tell you.

God, Morgan, you...

you lied to me.

I didn't lie.

Come on.

You know, I really think that...
I need to be alone tonight.

Lowick, it's three
in the morning.

I know it's three
in the morning,

but I don't think
it's a good idea

that we be in the same room
right now.

- Please, let's just go to bed.
- Morgan, um,

I need you to leave.

Please.

I'm... please,
I'm asking you to leave.

I'll, um...

I'll, um, put the pizza
in the fridge.

It's your favorite, by the way.

Um, pepperoni and olive
on gluten-free crust,

even though gluten-free doesn't
really constitute as pizza,

but, you know, I got it anyways
because you like it,

- and I thought you'd want some...
- Morgan.

Yeah.

You can leave my key
on the counter.

Yeah, um...

I'll, um...

I'll leave it right here
next to the pizza.

Late night with Pharrell?

- Can we talk?
- No.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

We both fucked up,
let's just reset and...

No, I didn't fuck up.

You fucked up.

Can we handle this
like adults, please?

You know what, no,
we can't handle this like adults

because you are not an adult.

- You are a child.
- Casey...

- And I cant do this anymore.
- Come on.

- I'm done.
- Doing what?

You lie every time you say
you're coming over...

I will come over, it's just...
sometimes shit comes up.

- Shit comes up!
- Shit comes up

like a Chance the Rapper
fucking after-party?

Are you out
of your goddamn mind?

You know he's
my favorite fucking artist!

Oh my God!

What the fuck?

Take your bag of shit,

lose my number,
and get the hell out!

Chill the fuck out,
you're being dramatic, okay?

What did you just say to me?

You honestly think
you're not making this

a much bigger deal
than it is, really?

Fuck, what the fuck!

Now you're liable
to call me dramatic!

Oh, you fucking punched me!

You fucking punched me!

Ah, fuck!

I come all the way out here
to check on you...

and make sure you're okay.

The least you can do is come
outside and talk to me, babe.

Come on, just...

Just come outside
and talk to me.

Please.

Ah, fuck.

Thank you...
Woah, dude, what the fuck!

Number one,
don't fucking call me dramatic.

I didn't mean it like that,
I didn't mean it like that!

Two, don't call me dude!

Will you put
the fucking knife down?

And three,
I have a fucking hangover,

so stop pounding on my door!

Casey, what the fuck!

Get the fuck outta here,
I swear to God,

I'll fucking cut you!

Will you just stop and listen?

I don't know how to tell you
to calm down

without offending you.

Just chill out
so we can talk, okay?

And if you stab me,
it won't count as self-defense,

so please.

Just talk to me.

I think we should break up.

What?

You're back.

Let me guess,
they bumped you up to CEO.

Still assistant,
but I feel very strongly

an offer's about to be made.

Celebratory drink.

That's fast service.

Yeah, I'll be right back.

Don't go anywhere.

I could also stay,
if you want company.

- It's not a big deal.
- No, you should go.

Yeah, no, I've already left.

- I'm not even here.
- Okay.

- Huh, who are you?
- Go, leave me alone.

Okay.

Oh, fuck.

Uh-uh, don't, no.

No, we offered him
two extensions.

This book needs
to be ready to print

before the end of the year.

If the proposal's not on my desk
by the end of this week,

he can take the material
somewhere else

and stop wasting my time.

- Morgan.
- Yes.

I don't have a lot of time,
don't sit.

Okay.

Finally got word back
about that sample

you had me forward
to Illustration.

Turns out the department's
very interested.

- Really?
- But that's all they expressed.

Interest, okay?
Nothing set in stone.

- Okay.
- They have a few ideas they want

to go over, so can you set up
a meeting for next week?

Also, push my 5 p.m.
to next Wednesday.

I need to leave
the office early.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, why does my cappuccino
taste like a mocha?

Um, the barista was new,

so maybe she made it wrong.

I don't get it.
One job, make coffee,

and somehow it's
an impossible feat?

Truly amazes me.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just living out
the no-condom mistake

my parents made.

I meant here at work.

Is the answer to that
not self-explanatory?

- Rough morning?
- Yeah.

I was up until five
working on some pieces.

I thought Aubrey
was on the schedule.

Yeah, she was.

I got the honor
of covering her.

Why does she work here
if she's never going to show up?

Well, she doesn't work here
anymore.

She finally got herself fired?

No, she booked a series regular
or something

on, uh, some shitty sitcom.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

I never thought
she was that funny,

but, hey, that just goes to show
the quality of American humor.

You okay?

Yup, fine.

- That's clearly a lie.
- You kidding?

I love when untalented people
achieve success.

It really... reaffirms
my life choices.

Check this out.

Ew, stop, that was on the floor!

Come on, let's go.

Hey, hey!

Hi, yeah, I'm talking to you.

First of all, you shouldn't
even be using straws

because our planet is dying.

Secondly, pick up
your used shit,

you fucking privileged ingrate.

What the hell are you doing?

Pick up your shit.

Sage!

The beans were actually
handpicked by Korean amputees.

Well, those who had hands,
anyways.

Uh, excuse me...

Sage, hey, wait up.

Green tea latte.

I wanted to... I don't know,

give you something
to remember me by.

Huh, thank you.

It's, uh,

it's really gonna suck
not working with you.

Yeah, well, I guess
you're gonna have to find

someone else
to sexually harass now, huh?

Oh, I've had my eye on Jeff
for a while, we're good.

Well, it's a good pick.

He's scrawny, so you'll be able
to pin him easy when he resists.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, uh...

Bye, Sage.

Bye.

Yeah.

I don't get grinding.

It's for people who have
nothing to talk about

but want to fuck.

So why don't they just have sex?

Because we live in a society
where people can't just be like,

"Hey, you wanna fuck?"
"Yeah, okay, cool!"

And they have to, like,
play hard-to-get

and keep their dignity and shit,
so they come here

and bang their genitals
against each other

so they feel like
they applied some effort.

It's low-culture socioecology.

- Oh, hello.
- Ah, perfect timing.

If you enjoy critical thinking,

you're gonna want
to check this out.

Move, scooch.

Oh, you need to sit here?

Sorry.

I want to make a toast.

To my early retirement
and inevitable suicide?

You guys,
I can't toast with water.

It's bad sex for seven years.

Oh, yeah, because we've had
such good sex up until now.

- Speak for yourself.
- Okay, Sage,

you can stop being upset about
the life-sucking coffeehouse

because
the Illustration department

loved your book sample.

- What?
- Yup.

They want to meet with you
next week.

- Congratulations.
- Are you messing with me?

I'm not that cruel, okay?

Sagey, what,
I'm so proud of you!

You're too talented to be stuck
behind a register anyways.

Yeah.

And I know this is only one
of many amazing things

that you're gonna accomplish
in your lifetime.

So I'm really glad
that you cussed out

a group of minors
and got yourself fired!

- Thank you.
- I love you guys.

Oh, we love you too.

What the fuck!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Wrong with me?

Can I have another napkin,
please?

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Hi.

Hey.

Some bitch spilled my drink
on Sage, so...

Hi.

Good to see you guys.

Hi, I'm Morgan.

Sarah.

Love your dress, very fancy.

- Thank you.
- We're out celebrating

because Sage may get
a book deal.

That's amazing, congratulations.

Thanks!

What's your book about?

It's an art book.

All drawings
of morbid life moments

that involve coffee,
which I incidentally named

"The Coffee Table Book."

I'm not very good
at pitching it, clearly.

No, it sounds cute!

Thanks.

So, you're on a date then?

Uh, yeah.

This would... be a date.

All right, well...

there you go.

Okay, um, Sarah,
pleasure to meet you,

and again, lovely dress.

Glad you're doing well.

Fantastic.

Bye.

- You okay?
- Hmm.

If it makes you feel
any better,

he looked more happy to see you
than terrified.

I have to tell him
that I have it?

No, you're good.
If you have, like, herpes,

then you have to tell him,
but not HPV

because they can't get it.

Can we please talk

about that girl
all over Brett, though?

- Super extra.
- Right.

- But she's a hooker, so...
- Shut up.

She's been with, like,
a ton of old dudes.

Stop, I can't even.

I don't care how much money
you pay me,

I'd fucking kill myself.

It's fine, no, it's fine.

- You don't need to say bye.
- I'll say bye, it's fine.

- Don't.
- It's fine, it's fine.

We're leaving,
so I thought I'd say bye.

Cool. Wine.

Wow, that's good.

What is this?

Uh... Merlot.

That's much better
than the clearance bullshit

that we had on our first date.

You remember that, right?

Mmm.

Fucking delicious.

- Morgan...
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you not tell her
that we used to date?

- We used to date.
- Yeah, I gathered.

Perceptive, I love it.

Lowick, man, he is
such the sweet guy.

Morgan, we should really go.

Yeah, definitely, definitely,
yeah, yeah.

I was just telling, um...

- Sarah.
- ...Sarah here

how lucky she is to be
with such a gosh-darn sweet guy.

You know what I like most
about him?

How much he values
total honesty.

- I told him I loved him...
- Um, Morgan, why don't we...

No, don't touch me!

This is a really great story.

After we said, "I love you,"

he found out
that I fucked for money,

and he kicked me
out of his house

in the middle of the night
and never returned

a single one
of my calls or texts.

Man, that is rich.

Still as funny
as the first time it happened.

Ooh.

I know that look.

That is a look of a person
finding out

for the very first time.

Did you not tell her that
you used to fuck a prostitute?

- Did he not tell you that?
- Hadn't gotten to that yet, no.

You're welcome.

I saved you one very awkward
conversation, my friend.

So please, Stacy...

- Sarah.
- Sarah, so close.

Don't worry,
I'm very much into health.

I got checked constantly,

especially after
we stopped using condoms.

Okay, Morgan.

I really think we should go.

Oh, I completely forgot
you guys were standing here.

Sarah, lovely to meet you.

Lowick...

I'm sorry.

Morgan, can you just wait
a second?

I don't want to hear
about what I should

or should not have done.

I just needed to say that.

Why did you say all of that?

Can we not do this right now?

Sorry if I don't feel
like brushing all of that

under the rug
like it was nothing.

Did you know about this?

You're my best fucking friend.

- What were you thinking?
- Well, you're not exactly

the most open-minded person
that I know.

This is why I don't cheers
with water!

Casey!

Casey, Casey!

Dude, where are you going?

Far, far away!

Sage.

- What?
- Get up.

No.

The ground is disgusting.
Come on.

Whatever, we probably
already have hep C

from walking barefoot anyway,
so it doesn't matter.

I am way too tired for
this bullshit right now, okay?

I don't care, I'm protesting.

So, what, you're just gonna lay
on the ground all night?

If it means not walking
in awkward silence anymore,

yeah, absolutely.

You're probably laying
in dry pee.

At least it's not wet pee.

Casey!

If she's trying to kill herself
by running into traffic,

tell her none of that
sideswipe bullshit.

It has to be head-on.

Guys?

Oh, what the...

You're not supposed
to just leave me

in the middle of the street!

Casey!

Casey, stop!

Someone's gonna call
the cops on us.

Oh, Jesus.

Casey, we got kicked out
last time we did this.

How long you gonna
ignore me for?

You assholes know
this unlocks, right?

Why are you so far behind?

Oh, I don't know,
maybe because you left me

in the middle
of the freaking street.

I'm sorry.

No.

- Yes.
- No.

God, is it cold?

Come on, it's not bad.

I think I don't believe you.

Oh, now it's cold.

Oh!

Eeh!

Why are you staring
at me like that?

I didn't do anything,
you should be mad at her!

Are you gonna get in?

- No.
- We're gonna peer-pressure you.

No.

Please.

- You have to.
- I don't want to.

But... but you have to.

- I really don't.
- Lovely in here.

I really fucking don't.

Do you wanna play colors?

I don't.

- You don't?
- No, I'm lazy.

Marco Polo?

Just get in the freaking pool!

Sharks?

What... what is that?

That's not even a game.

She's just naming
aquatic life now.

- Get in!
- Mermaids?

No, no, no!

Don't fucking touch me.

- Get in the pool.
- Fine.

She listens to me
if I just, like...

- Oh, do I?
- ...dagger her.

- It's nice, right?
- You are a liar.

I hate you.

You're being a baby.

Having so much fun tonight.

So...

So, guys, I found out

that I'm manic depressive,
by the way.

- Wait, what?
- Excuse me?

Yeah.

I got the official word,
like, six months ago.

So, I know why
you didn't tell me.

I get it.

Wait, so you have
a legal mental illness?

Apparently.

Does that come
with a handicap placard?

'Cause that could really benefit
all of us.

Just thinking
about the parking situation.

- Too soon.
- I'm thinking ahead!

- A bit funny.
- Planning for the future.

- I'm kidding!
- Help me.

Come here.

Help me, I'm bored.

Just roll it!

Okay.

Un-fucking-believable.

Can we not learn
to play another game?

- No.
- No.

Here you go, congratulations.

No!

It's olive juice, okay?

Your sobriety is safe,
I promise.

Okay, fine.

You disgrace me.

I have something to show you,
I totally forgot.

What is this?

Hmm.

"In the event
I never see you again,

it was a real displeasure
working with you.

When your book sells out
at Urban Outfitters,

I'm gonna gloat
about knowing you

back when you were
a super bitchy barista.

And I definitely won't think
of you when I jack off anymore."

- That's so cute!
- That's disgusting.

I think it's funny.

- It is.
- Thank you.

"Best of luck
in this shitty world.

Kyle."

"In case you ever... lover..."

- Lower.
- "Lower."

- Lower.
- His handwriting is very shitty.

"...your standards,
you know where to find me.

Let's fuck each other up."

Oh my God, I love him.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's a weirdo.

Wait, you're not actually
gonna call him.

He is so greasy, Sage.

Of course she's gonna call him.

Weirdos do all
the fun, kinky shit.

Do you think his cum is greasy?

Okay, I am not...
not at that level yet.

Grease jizz!

Yes!

New addition to the team.

He's not greasy!

Why do you guys always have
to circle back to jizz?

- Why not? Why should we not?
- Anything else.

- Why is she shushing us?
- I don't know.

- You're judging me.
- Is Kyle, like, outside?

- Of course I'm judging you.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.

I don't want your jizz
grease breath on me!

Ew, why am I talking
about jizz now?

- You guys have changed me.
- You're corrupted!

I'm sorry, honey.

You scared the shit out...

You bitch!

Got 'em.

Yeah, you did.

When was the last time
you shaved your legs?

Give me your hand.

I like Kyle now, he loves
our girl for who she is.

Even with hairy legs.

I'm leaving you, I'm going pee.
I'm done with you guys.

- Go pee.
- Okay, bye.

- Yeah, I'm leaving.
- Love you, mean it.

I hope you enjoy
your life without me,

'cause it's gonna be
a long one.

- Sagey.
- A very long life.

Okay, wait, don't leave us.

We're a lesbian tribe!

- It's too late, I'm gone.
- Okay, bye then.

I'm dead and I'm dying.

We'll survive without you.

- No, we won't, actually.
- No?