Original subtitles

♪ So what if you

♪ can't touch the sky

♪ it doesn't mean

♪ you shouldn't try

♪ do you wanna fly?

♪ Ooh-ooh, do you wanna fly? ♪

How much?

Plus council tax?

Are you taking the piss? You know what you can dae wi' your flat -

you can stick it up your fuckin' cul De sac.

Just phoned aboot a flat. Know how much they wanted?

I just want to know when you move.

Gie me a break, I've said I'm sorry. What do you want me to dae?

If you want me to apologise, fine. I don't want you near her.

Hello? Come in.

Make me sound like a pervert. Wan wee sniff o' her drawers.

You must o' dropped this, it was on our landin'.

Could you no' have put it through the letterbox? It's for you.

How are you?

How's your packin?

At it a week but nae further forward.

Great. Anyone else wanna kick me while I'm doon?

Don't tempt me!

You've had your turn, Jimmy.

D'you want a beer, frank? Better no', I'm in the bad books wi' the missus as it is.

You may as well, she'll find somethin' else to burst your arse about.

Have a seat. Aye, sit down.

So where are they movin' you?

Greenwood drive.

Here you go frank.

Cheers.

Aye, that'll be me. Three divorces in 11 years.

Ah well. You Ken what they say. Plenty mair fish in the sea, eh?

Aye. Onwards and upwards, eh?

I don't think you'll get through customs wi' this. How?

You're smokin' a spliff in it.

We're goin' tae Amsterdam!

What'll we do aboot this decampment? We're supposed to be oot by Sunday.

We'll sort it when we're back. We're no' back till Monday. It's cool, chill out.

Ah. Fuckin' hell!

Can I say somethin' to you without you jumpin' doon ma throat? If you need to.

Why don't you just go down and speak tae her?

See if I want your advice, I'll ask for it.

If you're waitin' fur her to come tae you, you'll have a long wait. What d'you know.

I know how women think.

That must be how you're such a big success wi' them.

What was it again, three divorces in 11 year?

That was a bit below the belt wee man.

Without me you wouldn't have asked her oot at a', remember that.

Where were you? Handin' in that letter to des.

You were meant to be here an hour ago to help me pack.

Have you been drinkin'? I had wan beer wi' the guy.

What was I gonnae do, gie 'im the bad news and leave 'im tae get on wi' it?

What bad news? His wife's divorcin' him. Put that in the hall for us.

TV: "Don't worry, I'll get it for you. You'll need a spade."

(Singing through the door)

♪ something o-of the past.

♪ Why do happy ever afters never see-eem to last?

♪ I need you.

♪ I need you,

♪ for me to be me. ♪

She's no in son.

D'you want tae come in? I bark a bit, but I don't bite, come on.

There you go.

They're over at the new hoose.

She still angry wi' me? She thinks you're angry wi' her.

I shouldn't o' shouted. It wasnae even her I was mad at.

These things happen. It's what you do next that matters.

Jake mind that bit in Pulp Fiction when Jules had a moment o' clarity?

I think ah've just had wan.

Listen first thing we do when we get tae Amsterdam

hit a coffee shop, buy a big bit o' dope, get a train tae Belgium,

post it to ursels, so it's waitin' fur us.

How no post it in Amsterdam?

What's in your heid when you 'hink o' Amsterdam?

Hookers!

Apart fae hookers. Tulips. Apart fae tulips.

The wee clogs, the wee shoes.

What comes into your heid when you think o' Belgium?

Belgians.

Right!! Aw right!! (They laugh)

See what I'm sayin? That's brilliant.

Clogs!

Naw, you cannae.

Cannae dae it. You'd smell it.

We wrap it in clingfilm, wrap the clingfilm in tinfoil,

then stick the lot inside a pair o' your socks.

Fuck. (They laugh)

Is that a plan or what? It's brilliant. (They laugh)

Naw, that's brilliant man. Fuckin' genius.

Genius. I'm a genius. (They laugh)

(Rab chokes)

I'm so sorry.

Just run your fingers down the strings then.

What you waiting for?

Brilliant, how much is that?

Na, I've nae change.

That's £4.20. I know, I can count.

Whit are ye doing?

Cannae be too careful. That right? Change.

You told me to keep it. I might need it; Cannae be too careful, eh.

Cheeky bastard.

We should fall out mair often.

You sorted things out with Tex yet?

Aye, get on with this but!

I'm gonnae start looking for a place o' me ain.

Why don't you move in wi me?

Are ye serious?

What's the most romantic thing I ever done?

You? You've not got a romantic bone in your body.

What about that time I carved your name in that tree opposite the abattoir.

You spelt it wrong.

Eddie loves alcie.

Do you no think it's too soon? We're still just getting to know each other.

What's the worst that could happen, it doesnae work out?

Is that not bad enough?

Well, if it isnae gonnae work oot I'd rather know sooner than later.

(Puts on voice) What d'ye know Chloe, what d'ye know baby?

I suppose.

Ok.

Oh, I think somebody needs a nappy change.

You'd better start getting some practice in.

Oh, hello, wee stinky bum, who's got a wee stinky bum?

Gonnae gi' us a hand with some o' this stuff?

Where's Tracy?

(Sighs) You are one lazy, useless lump, do you know that?

Tracy, gonnae give us a hand wi' this stuff please?

Have you thought this through?

I mean, he seems like a nice bloke but you hardly know him.

I know it sounds a bit sudden, but I really like him.

I think he could be the wan.

And what if he's no?

Smash

your granny left me that mirror when she died.

I know, ma, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

That'll be seven years bad luck then, eh.

Alarm ringing

are you ready to go?

In a minute.

Whit's that?

It's ma stuff.

You cannae take that through customs.

It's either that or a bin bag.

C'mon - have you no got a rucksack or somehin'.

If I'd a rucksack, d'ye think i'd put ma stuff in a pilla case?

That's shocking, you'd think you'd never been oot o' glesga afore.

Fair enough.

Is Tex there?

Can I hae a word wi' him?

Aye, in you come, he's in the living room.

Em, I'd better finish packing.

Do you fancy goin' for a wee drive?

I'm meant to be working.

I said "now".

Have you got money for the taxi?

Have you no?

No, don't start, I changed it yesterday to Euros.

So did I. I spent my last £20 on the grub.

For fuck's sake.

I've got enough for the bus.

Tracy! What?

Gie's a hand. Aye right.

I'm no' asking ye.

I'm doin this oot here, right.

Get your lazy arse in here and get on the end o' it!

Aagh!

Da, breathe or something, dad what's wrang?

Breathe, dad!

Rab! Jake! My da!

Have you phoned an ambulance?

Phone rings

lift your hand.

Maybe I should answer that.

Might be important.

Ringing

it's Tracy.

Hello.

I'm... i went for a walk darling.

Right, just stay where you are and I'll be there as soon as I can.

All right doll.

Right, b-bye.

It's frank; They've rushed him to the hospital, they think it's a heart attack.

Fuck!

Oh god!

(Sobs) Hey, don't be too hard on yoursel.

Where the fuck is this ambulance? We're gonnae miss my flight.

Rab! Rab, he's not breathing.

Gie him the kiss o' life. I don't know how.

You useless bastard, get oot o' the way, move!

Ok mate, we'll take it from here.

You spoken to Claire?

What about?

(Sighs) You're not gonnae like this.

She's thinking o' moving in wi' Jimmy.

(Sighs) Thank Christ for that.

I thought maybe she was pregnant again.

Look, I'm worried she's jumping into this

because we're at each others' throats all the time.

My fault I suppose.

I'm no saying it's your fault, if anybody it's me.

Lousy faither, lousy husband.

That's only cos you're a lousy burglar.

Are you all right da?

Big man, could you drop us aff at the bus station?

Buchanan street? Yeah.

What's up wi' your face?

Ma life's a mess wee man.

What's the ma'er?

I'm 43 years old, I'm sleeping on my nephew's couch,

I'm on my third divorce, knocking my pan in day and night to keep two weans I havenae seen for months.

D'you want a beer?

Aye.

When in doubt...

..Get pished.

Listen. I know I've shared a nest wi' ye and that, but...

Any chance I can stay on for another week or two,

just to get masel' together?

I'm sorry, Tex, I cannae. Claire's moving in.

She's what?

I'm no' the only one in the family wi' brains between his legs.

Whoah! It's no' like that, right.

What's up?

So when can we see him?

Right. Ok. Thank you.

Is he gonna be ok?

Aye.

Thought I'd gie yer key back.

Tex.

Listen here...

What's that?

It's three hunnered quid.

I don't know, you might need it.

Don't be daft.

You need it mair than I dae, have you seen the price o' nappies?

Listen, I feel really guilty aboot this Tex.

What d'you mean?

The guy who runs the country and western nights has a spare room.

Just aff the phone to him.

Think I'm a dirty bastard? He'd shag a hole in flipper's heid. Better watch yoursel'.

Aye, the first thing I'm doing is putting a lock on my door.

Take it easy, wee man.

Cheers, Tex.

How you doing?

Knock

Knock

knock

is your ma in, hen?

Aye. Ma.

Can you sign for this, the boys arenae in.

How's your man, I heard he got rushed into hospital?

He's fine.

We're just going to see him.

What was it?

A heart attack.

Listen, if you need a haun moving stuff...

You're alright, my brother in law will help us oot.

Tell frank I was asking for him. I'll dae that.

Fuck it!

Fuck it!

Oh, shit!

♪ Soulful mouth organ music

I think it's going to be there!

Better be, I didnae spend four hours on a train to Belgium for fuck all.

Just as well we didnae sneak it through customs.

My arse is still sore fae that cavity search. I think they bastards left a torch up there.

Ooh, I can smell it!

Both: Fuck off!

Oh... no, oh no.

Oh no!

Oh no!

Bastards have smoked the fucking lot!

Ho, you!

Alright, big man.

Want a wee toke?

♪ Why the happy ever afters

♪ never see-eem to last?

♪ I need you

♪ I need you for me to be me ♪

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