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1
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,360
Aye, aye!
Someone's happy.
2
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,440
Probably still pissed.
Simon, the breathalyser.
3
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,760
It won't register.
I've put 2p under my tongue.
4
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,600
That's never worked!
5
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,960
Went to see the Mondays
last night, didn't I?
6
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,440
No way.
7
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,360
♪ Son, I'm 30...
8
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,320
♪ I only went with your
mother cos she's dirty... ♪
9
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,400
You went with my mum?
10
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,600
Oh, put that back, dipshit.
11
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,360
Were they any good, then?
12
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,640
Oh, my God, they were awesome.
Just like the old days.
13
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,600
I can't believe you went to see
the Happy Mondays
14
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,720
and didn't get me a ticket.
15
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,320
You could have come. Weasel's mum
wouldn't let him out,
16
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,760
cos he'd been nicking
from her purse. Oh, bugger it.
17
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:55,960
What happened here, then?
18
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,600
Oh, this is a mental one.
19
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,440
Holiday home here.
Next house along is a farm.
20
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:02,640
Old MacDonald's driving past,
21
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,600
he sees it's being burgled,
22
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,960
he decided he's Jason Statham,
kicks the door in
23
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,520
and lets the poor bastard
have it with both barrels.
24
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,200
Oh, God. Is he dead?
25
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,400
No, but he's a mess.
26
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,480
Guess who it was.
27
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,560
Who? Tubby.
28
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,520
Tubby Rogers?
29
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,400
Ah, he was never going to be
a brain surgeon, Tubs, was he?
30
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,680
No, not any more.
One of his arms got blown off.
31
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,520
Oh, God. Having two hands
32
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,080
was sort of top of his list
of best qualities, wasn't it?
33
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,800
The area is secure of OSG
34
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,960
and ready for
a decontamination sweep.
35
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,800
Been watching Line Of Duty again?
36
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,720
I told him. Right, ta-ra.
37
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,960
Oh, the owner's in,
and she doesn't like blood.
38
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:50,760
Hello?
39
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:51,920
Yes?
40
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,040
Crime scene cleaner.
41
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:54,920
I'm here to clean up?
42
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,120
Oh, um, well,
it's through the kitchen.
43
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,920
I can't come down.
Blood makes me gip.
44
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,600
Gip!
45
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,920
Right, well, we can't have
the lady gipping, can we, Wicky?
46
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,640
♪ Crucify some brother today
47
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,000
♪ And I... ♪
48
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,640
Ah, Tubby!
49
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,600
Course you had a massive hand.
50
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,880
"Hey, babe, just got back.
I love our little getaway.
51
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,920
"Here's a silly poem for you
to read before bed.
52
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,520
"It's called For Jamie.
53
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,080
"When we became we, I let I die
54
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,680
"But she watches down
with a smile from the sky."
55
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,360
Absolute shit.
56
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,560
What's shit?
57
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,080
Oh...
58
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,520
I was just thinking about...
59
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,520
..cats. Aren't they shit?
60
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,160
OK. Um, I've made tea,
but you're going to have to
61
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,400
come and get it cos I can't...
I can't go over there.
62
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,960
I don't want to see it. Blimey!
63
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,960
you really don't like blood, do you?
64
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,120
Don't, don't.
65
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,280
I'll heave if you even
speak about it, honestly.
66
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,840
I can't... Is it bad?
67
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:33,960
Uh...
68
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,480
..yeah...
69
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,920
Quite bad.
70
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,520
What happened to the burglar?
71
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,920
Ah, poor Tubby.
72
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,840
Put it like this, he's not
going to play the piano again.
73
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,080
I'm joking. He can't read music.
74
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,120
He can't read.
75
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,600
He can't drive...
76
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,880
..or see his kids.
77
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,280
Good job you weren't home, hey?
78
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,280
I don't live here.
It's a holiday home.
79
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,520
Yeah, I've just come down
from Manchester.
80
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,840
Ooh, nice little hideaway.
81
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,720
It's a nightmare, to be honest.
82
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,040
Who wants to holiday
where they grew up?
83
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,440
What? You're not a Brummie.
84
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,560
Yeah, I was born in Stourbridge,
thank you.
85
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,320
Do a bit of Brummie, then.
86
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,640
No. It's fine if you can't.
87
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,560
I can. I just don't want to,
under the circumstances.
88
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,240
I've got a good way
of getting back into it
89
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,400
if you want, you know.
90
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,200
You just have to say the sentence,
91
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,320
"I'm not fit to babysit."
92
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,040
Mate, what's wrong with you?
It works every time, honest.
93
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,160
Yes, I know.
Yeah, I'll show you, look.
94
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,920
Oi!
You're not fit to babysit!
95
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,600
You're not fit to babysit.
96
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,280
I'm perfectly fit to babysit.
You ain't, babs!
97
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,800
You ain't fit to babysit. I am!
98
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,480
You're not fit... You're not fit to
babysit. I'm fit to babysit!
99
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,320
You're not fit to babysit!
100
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,160
Maggie?
101
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,440
Oh, my God! Wicky.
102
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,960
Blood. Oh, uh...
103
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,800
Don't you, because I'll...
104
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,320
A finger.
105
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,840
It's just a finger...
106
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,440
Sorry, I'll be outside. Yeah.
107
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,280
I managed to hold it in.
108
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,280
Oh... Can't believe a bit of blood
still does that to you.
109
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,280
A bit? It's like a pissed werewolf's
been in there.
110
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,320
And that's it, is it?
111
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,120
That's the first thing you're going
to say to me after 20 years?
112
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,560
Oh...
113
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,520
It's never been 20 years, has it?
114
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,120
Oh, it is. I can give you
the exact date, if you want.
115
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,000
Oh. What you doing here, Wicky?
116
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,320
Is this your job now? Cleaner?
117
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,400
Crime scene cleaner.
118
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,920
It's a bit more specialist, like.
119
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,120
You was the messiest bugger
I've ever known.
120
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,320
You can talk. Taking your tights
and your pants off
121
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,240
all at once and leaving them
all over the floor.
122
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,640
I still do that.
123
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,800
A figure of eight,
you used to call it.
124
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,560
Yeah, the smelly figure of eight.
125
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,280
Smelly?
126
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,640
Ah, it's good to see you, though.
127
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,480
Two houses now, is it,
you flash twat?
128
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,560
Sod off. My husband bought it.
129
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,600
Oh. Oh, you got married.
130
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:17,200
Course I did. Because
I'm incredibly beautiful,
131
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:18,720
and it's been years since we...
132
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,440
Since you dumped me, yeah. Did I?
133
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,320
I didn't, did I? Did I?
134
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,880
I've got to make a call.
135
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,360
Maggie? Yeah? Are you not going to
ask if I'm married?
136
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,520
Do I need to, Wicky?
What do you mean?
137
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,400
Well, do you even have a partner?
138
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,640
Yes, I have a partner.
139
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,320
Oh, what's her name?
140
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,240
Amanda Louise Hibbert.
141
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,440
That's her full name, like.
142
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,440
I would think so. It's massive.
143
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:46,520
Yeah, isn't it?
144
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,120
She's back, it seems.
145
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,320
And she writes shit poems.
146
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,360
There you are.
147
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,320
No blood? All clean?
148
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:23,920
It is scientifically impossible
149
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,880
for those to be any cleaner
than they are.
150
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,080
Hey, I found something
151
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,120
you might like earlier.
Where is it?
152
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,680
What are you doing now, then?
You working?
153
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,920
Or do you just live off
your super-rich husband now?
154
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,200
That's it, 1970s man.
155
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,200
I've got my own little gallery,
for your information. Art?
156
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,320
Yeah. Oh, no, that's good.
157
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,800
It's good that you stuck with it.
158
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,640
Glasto?
159
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,480
Yeah. '91, '92?
160
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:50,560
Oh. Look at that.
161
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,480
The whole gang, look.
Look at them all.
162
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,800
What a bunch of losers.
Do you remember them all?
163
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,200
Well, yeah.
164
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,680
What was the weirdo's name?
165
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,680
It's Weasel. Weasel.
166
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,400
I once watched him drink
a glass of his own piss for a bet.
167
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,840
I saw him drink a glass of
someone else's piss last week
168
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,200
just because he was thirsty.
169
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,360
Wicky, you don't still
go down the White Horse?
170
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,480
Every Friday.
171
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,600
No.
172
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,800
It's better now, like.
173
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,600
They've got Sky
and a Tipping Point quiz machine.
174
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,720
Bloody hell.
175
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,440
Oh!
176
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,640
Pretty rock'n'roll place for us
to get together, though, eh?
177
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,120
Do you think?
178
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,640
A festival? Are you joking?
179
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,760
Ah, forgotten
the rush of a live band?
180
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,040
We didn't see any live bands
that weekend, Wicky.
181
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,440
I spent the whole of the Saturday
in the medical tent
182
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:47,560
with you.
183
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,000
The bad trip!
184
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,280
You was a right mess.
185
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,000
You still got off with me,
didn't you?
186
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,520
Yes, well, you was vulnerable
and I've had therapy since,
187
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,360
so I no longer find weakness horny.
188
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,800
I don't suppose you take drugs
any more, do you, you square?
189
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,200
Oh, yeah, that's me, big square.
190
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,400
Or a mum. Up to you.
191
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,280
You...
192
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,560
You've had kids?
193
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:10,920
Yeah, I've got one.
194
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,200
Well, he's not a kid any more.
He leaves uni soon.
195
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,600
Huh.
196
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,320
Right, well...
197
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,120
I'd better get on. Good.
198
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,040
It's funny. I do remember
you saying you never wanted kids.
199
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,160
I didn't, did I?
200
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,600
Oh, you did, you definitely did.
201
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:29,880
You said they were parasites.
202
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,160
You said they're parasites
that make your tits flat.
203
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,200
Huh, well, that proves what I know,
204
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,520
cos my tits remain perky.
205
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,200
Well, too perky, if anything.
206
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,320
Hurgh! Blood.
207
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,400
It's never been 20 years.
208
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,680
No, it has,
209
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,880
because I'm nearly 50
210
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,480
and you left me on the night
of my 30th birthday.
211
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:51,920
Do you remember?
212
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,680
Oh, God.
213
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,960
"Oh, Jay, what did I do
before we met? Who was I?
214
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,800
"Just a pooh stick waiting to
be plucked from the water
215
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,160
"by a real man."
216
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,600
Oh, yeah, right, because
real men love pooh sticks.
217
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,160
"When you wooed me, Jamie,
218
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,760
"my eyes opened
like petals in spring.
219
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,280
"You lit the first candle
in this little heart."
220
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,120
The first, yeah?
221
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:41,960
All right.
222
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,600
Time to put the cat
amongst the pigeons.
223
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,760
Thought I'd save you
a load of journeys.
224
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,920
I hadn't taken any.
225
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,600
What? Drugs at Glasto.
226
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,920
I hadn't taken any.
227
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,880
There was no bad trip.
228
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,640
What are you talking about?
229
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,800
I wanted to spend time with you,
so I pretended.
230
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,720
I knew you'd look after me, so...
231
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,120
No, Wicky, you said
you was hallucinating.
232
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,240
Yeah, it was an act.
233
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,800
A brilliant act.
234
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,000
No, you kept saying,
235
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,280
"My hands are like meat.
My hands are as heavy as meat."
236
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:22,720
"My hands are like...they're heavy
as meat, yeah! Maggie!"
237
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,920
Sweet, though, right?
238
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,360
And ten years later...
239
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,040
No, it's bloody mental.
240
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,480
Are you all right?
You seem really wound up.
241
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,560
Yes! I'm fine.
242
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,440
Bells.
243
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,760
I just think it's sweet
I tried to get you on your own.
244
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,360
Well, it backfired, didn't it?
245
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,800
Cos we had to get
a bloody taxi back to Brum.
246
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,320
Yeah, with that weirdo.
Who takes a taxi to a festival?
247
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,080
Besserman.
248
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,120
Jamie Besserman, that little gimp.
249
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,720
Mmm. He was a hero that weekend
because he took us home.
250
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,680
Not really, Maggie. He kept
his meter on. He charged me.
251
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,520
That's about right.
252
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,080
He was always going to make money,
that boy.
253
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,720
That's not the reason
why I married him, of course.
254
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,280
No...
255
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,440
Not Besserman.
256
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,800
Besserman didn't pluck
the pooh stick, Maggie?
257
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,120
You married Jamie Besserman?
Not being rude, Maggie,
258
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,000
but he's a boring,
money-grubbing turd.
259
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,200
He isn't boring.
260
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,480
He's not boring? He used to
have a feather collection.
261
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,240
They weren't even good feathers.
262
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,400
Most of them were pigeon.
263
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,120
What does it matter, Wicky?
264
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,480
I just thought,
when you and I split up,
265
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,440
you'd end up with someone good.
266
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,080
Not a taxi driver
with a massive head.
267
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,200
Massive head?
268
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,360
Grow up. He's a pumpkin-head.
269
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,320
Hey, and I'll tell you
something else -
270
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,080
he looks like someone balancing
a wheel of cheese on his head.
271
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,400
He stopped talking long enough
about his taxi empire
272
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,440
to have a kid, then, did he?
Piss off.
273
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,160
He worked so hard in the early days,
he was barely home.
274
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,440
Well, that's a result.
275
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,840
You wouldn't have to listen
to his rubbish stories.
276
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,840
Oh, come on. You come on.
277
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,200
I once sat in a pub for an hour
278
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,880
listening to him tell me about
a time he did a massive hop.
279
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,920
He was bloody good to me.
280
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,720
He worked his arse off
so I could get that gallery.
281
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,440
Well, who wouldn't have?
282
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,760
I didn't know you were
that serious about your art.
283
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:19,840
Well, you never asked.
284
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,440
I only took up painting
285
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,080
to avoid being dragged down
that bloody pub.
286
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,800
The Horse?
You loved it down the Horse.
287
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,560
I once spent the entire weekend
watching you and your mates
288
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,720
perfect an impersonation
of a local butcher.
289
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,160
Bob Taylor?
290
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,880
Oh, my...
291
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,120
"If you want shome chops
292
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,880
"or shome offcutsh, that'sh fine,
293
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,800
"but if you want shomething
more shpecialisht
294
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,000
"like a shirloin, you'll have
to come back on Shaturday."
295
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,600
What a legend.
296
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,120
Ah, not with us any more, sadly.
297
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,680
Cansher.
298
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:54,120
Oh, God, it's like
being back down there.
299
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,800
Maggie... Well, show us
some of your art, then.
300
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,040
I'm interested.
301
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,000
Ohh!
302
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,240
This is the sort of stuff
you're doing.
303
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:11,920
Yeah, we sell a lot of those.
304
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,120
It's sweet. I still can't believe
305
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,120
you married that taxi driver,
but it's sweet.
306
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,760
That was just a practice one
when my Tommy was born.
307
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,600
It's his 20th tomorrow.
308
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,680
He's 20?
309
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,120
And when did you and Besserman
get together?
310
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,560
Oh, don't start.
311
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,240
It was way after we broke up.
312
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,040
Oh, my God.
313
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,480
What?
314
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,000
I knew it.
315
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,400
Knew what?
316
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,520
I knew it as soon as I saw him.
317
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,320
My sweet child.
318
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,520
He's got Dad's eyes.
319
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,480
Now you laugh at me.
320
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,520
You deny me my son for 20 years,
then you laugh at me?
321
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,160
Then I deny my son!
322
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,640
Plastic? You would emboss my son
upon plastic?
323
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,920
He's not yours, you tit.
324
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,600
He's five-foot three
and likes vegetables.
325
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,040
Right, well, you must have got
together with Besserman
326
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,000
pretty quickly after we split up,
Maggie. Well, we obviously did,
327
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,640
but, Wicky,
what would you have done?
328
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,360
Taught him how to do impressions
of a local butcher?
329
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,360
Oh, yeah, that's funny, is it?
330
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,120
Is this funny?
331
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,160
Blood!
332
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,200
Yeah.
333
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,840
Wicky, close it.
334
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,600
Away with you...
335
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,280
..gip queen.
336
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,640
Wicky...
337
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,120
It's safe.
338
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,440
Ooh.
339
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,320
You're good, you, aren't you?
340
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,440
Yeah.
341
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,560
Sorry. I was a bit mean before.
342
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,440
We had a good time, didn't we?
343
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,400
Course we did.
344
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,800
Do you want another cup of tea?
345
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,080
Yeah.
346
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,960
"When you make love to me,
347
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,120
"I know that I've never
been touched before.
348
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,240
"All previous lovers were dust
thrown into the wind.
349
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,720
"To tickle and tease me before
I opened my petals for you."
350
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,360
Oh, come on!
351
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:25,400
You come on!
352
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,520
Do you remember our holiday
to Greece?
353
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,040
I do.
354
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,200
Perfect, wasn't it?
355
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,600
No. You brought Weasel.
356
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,480
Yeah, yeah, well,
I had to bring him, didn't I?
357
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,400
He'd just had a hernia operation.
358
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,560
That's not the reason
I remember Greece anyway.
359
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,840
Eh? Come on.
360
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,400
We were shagging for the whole trip,
weren't we? Oh, yeah.
361
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,280
It was a bit early-days frenetic,
wasn't it?
362
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,040
Yeah, yeah.
363
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,720
We always did have good sex.
364
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,960
We did, yeah.
365
00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,480
What was that? What?
366
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:00,680
That...
367
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,120
No, nothing. No, it was good.
It was good.
368
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,240
What? Well, it was a bit samey.
369
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,960
Samey?
370
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,680
Yeah, but that's all right.
I mean, it's not your fault.
371
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,760
You're not built
for a variety of angles,
372
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,040
are you? You're so tall.
373
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,360
I'm all about the angles.
People know me for the angles.
374
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,240
Wicky, it's like being taken
from behind
375
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,720
by the Eiffel Tower,
376
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,160
and you can't go on top,
which is...
377
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,040
Are you actually joking?
378
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,520
I'm amazing on top.
379
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,400
It's easy for you to say.
You're not trapped under this.
380
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,320
You're shit at art.
381
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,920
I knew it.
You've been dying to say that.
382
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,520
Well, there you go.
383
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,920
Sorry I wasn't the first one
384
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,760
to open up your dusty petals
or whatever.
385
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,480
What?
386
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,120
Yeah, don't even...
I found the letters
387
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,200
and I don't even feel bad
about reading them.
388
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,720
Honestly, I feel like
I dodged a bullet.
389
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,400
I'm amazed you weren't gipping
while you were writing these.
390
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,120
"Oh, I love
our little holiday home.
391
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,880
"As soon as I see you,
it makes my pooky all wet."
392
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,200
Named your vagina, have you,
you monster?
393
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,320
"Even if I have to share you
with her..."
394
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,400
"Share you with her,"
whoever that...
395
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:13,560
Because the...
the sharing is, um, with...
396
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:15,760
Yeah.
397
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,840
I never sent Jamie letters, Wicky.
398
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,120
These aren't your letters.
399
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,920
They're not my letters.
400
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,760
So these would have been
written by someone to...
401
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,240
To my husband, yeah.
402
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,360
That's what the, uh...
403
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,640
Meant you.
404
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,480
What a knobhead.
405
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,280
She means Besserman.
406
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,640
"Oh, Jay,
what did I do before we met?
407
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,320
"You deflowered me." I hope
it wasn't in my bathroom.
408
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,600
There she goes, yeah.
409
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,240
"When you make love to me,
410
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,000
"I know that I've never been
touched before."
411
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,080
What? Bullshit.
412
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,760
Jay? He hated being called Jay.
413
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,000
That is not a proper use
of an apostrophe. Look.
414
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,000
Who calls her snatch a pooky?
415
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:21,920
Ugh!
416
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,200
Jamie Besserman.
417
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,800
This is the size of his head.
418
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:28,640
This is what I think of
your pooh sticks, Pooky.
419
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,040
He was shit in bed anyway.
420
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,720
Ah, I'm so sorry, Mags.
421
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:34,760
It's OK.
422
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,840
Do you know what?
423
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,480
I think I always knew he was
cheating, really. I don't know.
424
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,440
Yeah. He must have been
meeting her here
425
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,680
for years, then, was he?
426
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,160
Yeah, on business trips.
427
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,800
Brainstorming new ideas, eh? Alone.
428
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,520
What a bastard.
In our holiday home, too.
429
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,000
Bet you wish you'd come to
that birthday party now, eh?
430
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,480
Oh, here we go.
431
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,320
You missed a great party...
432
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,720
..forward slash,
faithful life partner.
433
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,840
I was waiting for you, you know.
434
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,520
Had such a bloody laugh
down the pub.
435
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,760
Then the boys
had organised that rave.
436
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,040
I felt so stupidly free...
437
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,320
..but I was looking for you.
438
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,080
And you just never came.
439
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:25,200
Maggie!
440
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,320
I know.
441
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,680
You were the only one
I wanted there.
442
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,120
I'm here now.
443
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,400
Right, trousers off, lie down.
What do you mean?
444
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,200
Come on, Wicky. We both know
it only works one way for us.
445
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,880
It does not only work
one way for us.
446
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,000
You just watch.
447
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,800
There you go -
this would nearly work.
448
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:22,880
Nearly, yeah.
449
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,520
Well, go up on your tiptoes.
450
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:25,880
That's going to hurt my feet.
451
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,360
All right, Nana.
452
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,080
You could get on these.
You're not jacking me up.
453
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,560
I'm not a bloody car.
454
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,680
What's this?
455
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,920
Just looked it up online.
It's froggy style.
456
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,360
Who's the frog? I'm the frog!
457
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,520
Agh!
Oh, you all right?
458
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,160
There, what's wrong with this?
459
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,520
How long can you keep that up?
460
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,960
You've got no upper-body strength,
love. Yeah.
461
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,280
Yay!
462
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,000
Oh, this is better than sex
anyway.
463
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,720
Suck my toe.
464
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,360
Stop being weird.
465
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,480
You still get
lower-back problems?
466
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,600
Yeah, it does spasm a bit, yeah.
467
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:01,760
Yeah.
468
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,080
Put me down.
469
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:08,760
Yeah.
470
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,360
Maybe it didn't work.
471
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,800
I told you.
472
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,320
See?
473
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,040
Just like the old days.
474
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,560
Stay still. Sorry.
475
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,280
I've got a point to prove too.
476
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,280
What are you going to do?
477
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,200
Go home for my son's birthday.
478
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,800
Really? Yeah.
479
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,840
I have to be there
for his birthday.
480
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,240
You understand that,
being his dad.
481
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,240
What about Besserman?
Are you going to forgive him?
482
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:00,360
What do you think?
483
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,400
What?
484
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,600
Nothing.
485
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,480
I know that face.
Say what's on your mind.
486
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,480
It's funny, isn't it?
487
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,080
I've thought loads over the years
488
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,360
about what I'd say to you,
489
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,440
but, now you're here,
I haven't got a voice.
490
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,480
Well, what would he say?
491
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:24,600
Who?
492
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,880
The legend, of course. Bob Taylor.
493
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,120
Oh! Oh...
494
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,160
Well, I shupposhe,
fundamentally shpeaking,
495
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,560
if I wash being honesht,
496
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,400
if I was shpeaking, if I may,
from the shentre of my shoul...
497
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,440
Get on with it, Bob.
498
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,160
..that shince you left...
499
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,040
..I have been waiting for you...
500
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:56,000
..and that with every birthday
that passes,
501
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,800
I wonder if, this time...
502
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,640
..you'll come back.
503
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,200
Oh, Wicky.
504
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,040
I have to go.
505
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,160
He's not a big man,
is he, Besserman?
506
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,200
Yeah, cos he's
the freaky-size one.
507
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:36,840
Oh...
508
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,680
Off, then? Yeah.
509
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,720
Good. Listen,
I've got stuff to do.
510
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,040
I've got to fumigate the place
anyway... Of course, yeah, yeah.
511
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,760
So, yeah, do a good job, innit?
512
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,880
I guess, uh...
513
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,040
..we'll never know,
then, will we,
514
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,560
you know, what would have happened
if you'd turned up to the birthday?
515
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:05,280
I think we do, yeah.
Loads of nights in the White Horse
516
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,000
watching a man drink his own piss.
517
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,760
You can't go back to him.
518
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,520
I'm not going back to him, Wicky.
519
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,640
Well, good. That's good.
520
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,000
You left me for the wrong bloke.
521
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,600
I didn't leave you for Jamie.
522
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,720
Or because of your weird friends.
523
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,240
Or because of any other
conspiracy theory.
524
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,440
Right, OK,
so I'll pack and I'll...
525
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,760
No.
526
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,240
We had our time, Wicky,
527
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,000
and a bloody good time it was, too,
528
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,680
but it just wasn't enough.
529
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:36,800
Is it enough for you any more?
530
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,720
I mean, the Happy Mondays are not
going to tour forever, are they?
531
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,000
Yep. Still shit.
532
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,040
Kinky Afro by Happy Mondays
533
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,560
♪ You go spooky in a band
534
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,160
♪ Son, I'm 30
535
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:45,320
♪ I only went with your mother
cos she's dirty
536
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,960
♪ And I don't have
a decent bone in me
537
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:53,480
♪ What you get
is just what you see, yeah... ♪
538
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,600
Lads! Let's stay like this forever!
539
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,400
♪ ..I never help or give
to the needy
540
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,120
♪ Come on and see me... ♪
541
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,440
Take me away from all this.
542
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:12,920
Where to?
543
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,280
Anywhere, Jamie.
544
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:18,720
Anywhere.
545
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,480
♪ ..So come on and say it
546
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,720
♪ Now, come on and tell me twice
547
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:46,200
♪ I said, "Dad, you are shabby."
548
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,560
♪ You run around and groove
like a baggy
549
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:54,680
♪ You're only here
just out of habit... ♪
550
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:56,840
All right?
551
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,000
Well, well, well.
552
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,760
Yeah, I've just finished.
553
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,560
It was a messy one. Very messy.
554
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,440
I'm sure you've done
a lovely job, Mr Mop.
555
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,120
Yeah, of course I have.
556
00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:07,880
I'll tell you what, though.
557
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:09,880
First job in years
that's made me gip.
558
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,240
Don't tell anyone, eh?
559
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,320
Right, well, you buy me a drink
when I see you on Friday
560
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,840
and I'll, um...
I'll keep it quiet.
561
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,560
Friday? Am I seeing you on Friday?
562
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,880
Yeah, at the Horse.
It's your birthday, isn't it?
563
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:25,960
Oh, yeah.
564
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,560
Yeah, it is.
565
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,120
See you then, then.
566
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:30,760
See you then.
567
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,920
♪ ..Go on and say it
568
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,160
♪ Yippee-yippee aye-aye-ay
yay-yay
569
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:45,040
♪ I had to crucify some
brother today
570
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,920
♪ And I don't hear what
you gotta say
571
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,040
♪ So come on and say it
572
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,160
♪ Come on and tell me twice. ♪
37882
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