Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,960
Hi. You from the police?
2
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,520
Yeah, no. Sort of.
3
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,840
Mm, your mates left
about two hours ago.
4
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,920
Oh, yeah, I always come
after them. I've...
5
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,120
Oh, my God. What?
6
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,200
Where did you get that T-shirt?
It's so cool.
7
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,720
I don't know,
I've had it years.
8
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,960
Mm. I thought it might be
from the vintage place in town.
9
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,120
It looks proper '80s.
10
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,520
Probably is proper '80s.
11
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,040
I probably bought it
in the proper '80s.
12
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:27,960
Shut up! You shut up.
13
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,600
Come on, I'll show you
what happened.
14
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:30,720
Hey.
15
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,160
Your parents have got good taste.
16
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,280
That's MY car.
17
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,480
I know you'll never be mine,
18
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,640
but no-one could love you
19
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,720
the way I would've loved you.
20
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:49,880
What are you doing?
21
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,240
Oh, no, I was just, uh...
22
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,480
No, she's good, mate.
Yeah, good as gold, that is.
23
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,000
Yep.
24
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,400
In here.
25
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,760
Well, you've stolen my childhood.
26
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,720
Oh, I'm totally obsessed
with '80s stuff,
27
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,760
literally anything
made in the '80s.
28
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,240
Have you seen Stranger Things?
29
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,640
That wasn't made in the '80s.
30
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,320
But you like '80s, too.
31
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,160
Yeah, I'm FROM the '80s.
32
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,600
Amazing.
33
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,680
Like Back To The Future?
34
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:38,920
Yes.
35
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:43,120
"Roads? Where we're going,
we don't need roads."
36
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,720
You haven't seen it, have you?
37
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,160
No. No.
38
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,160
Mm. I've got to update me socials.
39
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,280
You're cool to do your thing,
put tape up or whatever.
40
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,640
Yeah, cool, whatever.
41
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,040
Vibe. What?
42
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,240
I don't know.
43
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,000
It just felt right to say "vibe".
44
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,640
Why?
45
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,080
What happened with, uh...?
46
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,240
Oh, man, this dude came round
to wire in the arcade machine
47
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,520
and...bam!
48
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,160
Bam? Bam.
49
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,840
What's bam? It just went up.
50
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,520
What's a fuse?
51
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,160
They stop people going bam.
52
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,240
Thank God I was out.
Blood, it makes me barf.
53
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,400
Hmm.
54
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,480
Poor guy, though, eh?
55
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,800
Ugh, I know. It was, like, so sad.
56
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,840
Yeah. I can see you're devastated.
57
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,960
Hi, guys!
58
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,520
So, today, I'm going to do
a vintage haul.
59
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,320
I've been saving up
loads of amazing stuff.
60
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:32,800
Some of it's just old,
but this is actual...
61
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,800
I'm going to get my stuff.
Oh, oh, wait.
62
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,320
Before you go,
63
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,480
are you cool if I check
something with you?
64
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,080
Is that a tray of onions?
65
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,440
Mm.
66
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:02,920
I'm in shock.
67
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,080
Something terrible
has happened and...
68
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,400
..I don't know what to say.
69
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,840
Sorry, I need a moment.
70
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,400
I know this is going to worry
a few of you, and...
71
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,000
..I'm fine.
72
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,120
Yeah.
73
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,200
No, I'm not.
74
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,440
I can't do this now,
but I'll be back in 30 minutes
75
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,040
to tell you
how my life has changed...
76
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,560
..forever.
77
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,480
Well?
78
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,400
Jesus Christ.
79
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:37,880
Did it make you want
to like and subscribe?
80
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:38,960
Liken subscribe?
81
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,120
Like and subscribe.
82
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,200
I don't know. Please say yeah.
83
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,760
I can't.
I don't know what it means.
84
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,960
Well, say you'll like and subscribe.
85
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,880
I can't say like and subscribe
to something
86
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,040
that I don't understand.
87
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,080
I don't know what like
and subscribe is. Just say it!
88
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,560
One button, that's all it is.
Just say it. Just say it, please.
89
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,640
Hosea, me, you... But what is it?
..like, subscribe.
90
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,920
How can I if I don't understand it?
I need you on my side.
91
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,840
How can I agree to it? I just want
you to like and subscribe!
92
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,880
One button. One button.
Please like and subscribe.
93
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,480
Like and subscribe!
94
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,000
Thanks so much.
95
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,200
I can't do this now,
but I'll be back in 30 minutes
96
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,840
to tell you how
my life has changed...
97
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:27,880
..forever.
98
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,400
Did you buy all this stuff, then?
99
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,560
Oh, most of it got sent to me.
100
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,680
Can I play with some of it?
101
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,240
Sure.
102
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,440
I used to be able to do these.
103
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,640
What do you mean?
104
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,120
You know, do them, complete them.
105
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,880
I didn't know you could do them.
106
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,360
I thought you just switched the
stickers. I can complete them.
107
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,960
Are you like Professor Brian Cox?
108
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,760
I'm exactly like
Professor Brian Cox.
109
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,320
Ta-da!
110
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,800
Fuck off! You fuck off.
111
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,240
This is going to break
the internet.
112
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,440
I'll DM it you.
113
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,000
I think there's probably
already videos
114
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,960
of people doing
a Rubik's cube online, mate.
115
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,080
You should upload it.
116
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,720
I mean, I can't, because
of the big announcement.
117
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,120
What socials are you on?
118
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,400
Oh. I'm only on Facebook.
I don't use that.
119
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,400
I keep getting death threats
from this woman.
120
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,640
You should look her up, actually.
It's funny -
121
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,040
the Tattooed Milf.
122
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,160
You should get on Insta and TikTok.
123
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,800
My niece is always
banging on about that.
124
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:36,840
What is TikTok?
125
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,000
What's TikTok?
126
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,920
That's TikTok.
Well, I do not like it.
127
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,280
I'm not uploading that.
128
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,520
I don't like any
of this social media stuff.
129
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,200
Who wants to know
how people are doing?
130
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,320
Chris Marner's
got an Audi R8 now.
131
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,600
At school, he got suspended
132
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,400
for eating the hood
off a girl's coat.
133
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,480
You wouldn't have to do any of
this police business any more
134
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:03,680
if you got enough followers.
135
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,280
I'm sorry, what is your job?
136
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,960
I'm Home Alone Hosea!
137
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:13,720
Jesus Christ, Grandad.
138
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,080
Do you own a computer?
139
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,040
Yeah. My mate Weasel
got it for me, though,
140
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,400
and the keyboard's confusing.
141
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,360
Well, look me up sometime. I will.
142
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,200
Do you know your name
in Chinese symbols?
143
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,240
Catch you later.
144
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,880
Loving the sexy police onesie,
by the way.
145
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,360
Rip It Up by Orange Juice
146
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:54,880
♪ When I first saw you,
something stirred within me
147
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,480
♪ You were standing sultry
in the rain
148
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:04,400
♪ If I could've held you,
I would've held you
149
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,560
♪ Rip it up and start again
150
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,840
♪ Rip it up and start again
151
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:17,200
♪ Rip it up and start again
152
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,840
♪ I hope to God
you're not as dumb as you make out
153
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:27,320
♪ I hope to God
154
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:32,160
♪ And I hope to God
I'm not as numb as you make out
155
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:36,040
♪ I hope to God
156
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:50,720
♪ And when I next saw you,
my heart reached out for you
157
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,920
♪ My arms stuck like glue
to my sides... ♪
158
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,840
Oh, my God, what the fuck?!
159
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,840
Oh, dude, this is bad.
What have you done?
160
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,200
I'm sorry, I was thirsty.
161
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,400
You drank that?
162
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,680
Those cans are 35 years old.
I got them on eBay!
163
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,760
Never mind that.
You've cleaned up all the blood.
164
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,080
Yeah, it's my job.
You said you were the police.
165
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,600
No, YOU said I was the police.
166
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,000
Well, what are you?
A crime scene cleaner.
167
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,640
You're a cleaner?! Crime scene.
168
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,200
He's just a cleaner! Who are you?
169
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,320
Why didn't you say
you were just some cleaner?
170
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,720
Cos I'm not. Says he's not.
171
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,720
Well, he is. I'm not. What?!
172
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:22,760
What are you, dude?
173
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,120
I'm a crime scene cleaner!
174
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,560
If you clean, you're a cleaner.
175
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,920
And you've basically ruined
my life! Well done, cleaner.
176
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,520
Not cool, bro.
177
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,040
Cool T-shirt, though.
178
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,680
What did I do wrong?
179
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,440
You cleaned his content, man.
180
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,840
What? He needed that content.
181
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,400
Why do you keep saying content?
182
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,240
He was going to livestream
about the dead guy.
183
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,840
Content's money, bro.
184
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,160
OK, I'm not going to talk
to you any more.
185
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,800
There's clearly something wrong.
186
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,480
Yo! Stay where you are.
187
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,720
Yeah, we can't light it.
188
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,640
Some massive fat dude
cleared it up.
189
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,400
OK, I'll come there now.
190
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,720
Fat?
191
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,160
Yeah, you're, like, really fat.
192
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,120
Mate?
193
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,040
Oi, mate!
194
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,840
Can you come down?
195
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,320
Are you going to make me
climb up there?
196
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,160
You think I haven't got
those skills?
197
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,400
You think I haven't got
tree-climbing skills?
198
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,640
All right, strap in.
199
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,960
Yes, please!
200
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,680
Not a problem.
201
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,880
There he is.
202
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,800
Up we go.
203
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,240
Yeah.
204
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,520
All good. All good.
205
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,080
Still got it. You never lose it.
206
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,520
Whoo!
207
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,560
This used to be like
Disney World for us.
208
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,960
Cos you were poor? Boo-hoo.
209
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,680
Look, I don't know
what I've done wrong.
210
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,080
I was going to do a big stream
about the guy getting fried,
211
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,920
and now it's like
it never happened.
212
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,720
People aren't interested in an
electrical accident, are they?
213
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,480
I would've filmed Fat Baz down
the pub when he blew his thumb off.
214
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,720
Why?
215
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,320
Oh, he was trying to hook
a crumpet out of a toaster.
216
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,400
It was... No!
217
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,960
Why are you still talking to me?
218
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,160
I needed that dead guy,
and you've cleaned him up.
219
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,840
Can't you put it back?
220
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,240
Put what back?
221
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,280
The blood.
222
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,800
Oh, the blood. Yeah, God, of course.
223
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,160
I've got some buckets in the car.
224
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,600
We'll go and splash it back on now.
225
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:40,800
You're shitting me?
226
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,120
Yes, I'm shitting you.
227
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,000
Well, congratulations
for finding my ruined life
228
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,600
so hilarious, you sad, old fuck.
229
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,520
Go and mop up somewhere else.
Well...
230
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,200
I don't even use a mop.
231
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,480
Your move.
232
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,000
Look, what's the matter, son?
233
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,880
It's over.
234
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,280
I know that, really.
235
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,320
Home Alone Hosea is just
another Tom from MySpace
236
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,520
or the guy that sang
Chocolate Rain.
237
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,080
Or that monkey
that banged that frog.
238
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,040
So you've heard of the monkey
that banged a frog?
239
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,520
The monkey's a legend, mate.
240
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,800
That's me now.
241
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,120
The monkey that banged a frog.
242
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:18,920
A joke.
243
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,400
Blackberry jam.
244
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,000
What?
245
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,760
You can make blood
with blackberry jam.
246
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,360
Come on.
247
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,840
Let's get it done.
248
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:41,120
That's the Way
by Dead or Alive
249
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:56,800
♪ Keep that, keep that body strong
250
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,040
♪ That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
251
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,280
♪ I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
252
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,400
♪ That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
253
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,640
♪ I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
254
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,840
♪ That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
255
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,160
♪ I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
256
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,200
♪ That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
257
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,520
♪ I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
258
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,520
♪ When you take me
259
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,560
♪ By the hand
260
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,240
♪ And tell me I'm
261
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,720
♪ Your loving man... ♪
262
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,720
Ah!
263
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,360
Did you have one in the '80s?
264
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,240
A soda thingy? No.
265
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,760
Mum said they were
a waste of money.
266
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,320
I'd just been to the shops for her
267
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:33,920
to buy 40 fags
and a bottle of Cinzano.
268
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,280
The irony wasn't wasted.
269
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,480
Honey.
270
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,440
So, how do you know how to use it?
271
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,240
They're not that complicated.
272
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,200
Hey, when we were kids,
if we wanted free stuff,
273
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,320
we had to go down the rec
and do a dance for Dirty Bertie.
274
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,840
I can't believe people
send it you for nothing.
275
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,000
I can't believe
you don't know who I am.
276
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,600
Well, tell me what happened.
277
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,840
When I was 16,
my parents moved to Italy.
278
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,560
I told them I didn't want to go and
they said, "Fine, that's up to you.
279
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,160
"You're old enough to make your own
mind up," and left me in the house.
280
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,080
My Insta went mental.
Loads of jealous little kids
281
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,840
imagining the perfect life
with no rules.
282
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,520
Now I'm rich. The end.
283
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,000
They left you on your own?
284
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,880
I wanted to stay.
Yeah, kids want to eat ice cream
285
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,320
that's been dropped in shit -
they shouldn't be allowed.
286
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,720
You got kids? No.
287
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,280
Then what do you know about it?
I used to be one.
288
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,520
Oh, yeah. In the '80s, where your
parents smoked fags around you
289
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,040
and got drunk on Cinzino.
290
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,600
Cinzano. Whatever.
291
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,960
Yeah. They didn't leave us
behind, though.
292
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,080
I don't need them.
293
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,520
I'm my own parents.
294
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,160
Hmm. All right.
295
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,640
Shall we?
296
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,080
Well, splurge it down.
297
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,760
Splurge it down? No?
298
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,000
Do you know much
about blood spatter?
299
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,760
About as much
as you know about Instagram.
300
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,200
Then listen carefully.
301
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,960
From the scene,
I can tell you straight away
302
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,640
it wasn't the shock
that killed him.
303
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:14,960
It wasn't? No.
304
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,280
It caused him to spasm, sure,
305
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,440
which meant that
he thrashed around here,
306
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,840
eventually hitting his head
on this cabinet.
307
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,520
Ew. The blood on that wall
was from the head injury -
308
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,160
violent involuntary convulsions
from the shock.
309
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,840
Resulting in light to moderate
blood spatter,
310
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:38,120
simple enough to remove
from non-porous surfaces.
311
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,800
You'd be amazed how much blood
comes from a head injury.
312
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,520
So, that was what killed him?
313
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,280
A third-degree abrasion?
314
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,960
Oh, my sweet child,
315
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,560
I very much doubt it.
316
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,080
No, he's not done yet.
317
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,840
So he's thrashing around
at the end of a live wire,
318
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,080
receiving electrical burns
at the point of contact,
319
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,560
leading to a bit more
of the old...
320
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,000
Light to moderate blood spatter.
321
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,240
Very good. Yes.
322
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,920
Now, eventually,
he's thrown this way,
323
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,040
where he lands here,
324
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,720
on your glass coffee table.
325
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,320
So, it wasn't the arcade machine
that killed him?
326
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,280
Glass severs arteries.
327
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,320
What does glass do?
328
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,680
Severs arteries.
329
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,320
And arteries are connected to...
330
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,560
The heart. Nature's pump.
331
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,600
Pump Up The Jam.
332
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,080
It's a song.
333
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:24,960
It doesn't matter.
334
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,600
Can I do it?
335
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:28,720
I don't know.
336
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,560
Can you?
337
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,640
I was just saying you can have a go.
You should have a go at it.
338
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,680
Ah.
339
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:44,920
What was that?
340
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,040
No good?
341
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,760
Have you any idea how much blood
the heart pumps around the body?
342
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,200
Put some welly into it!
343
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:56,680
Now we're talking.
344
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,440
I think you're ready...
345
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,400
Sorry.
I think you're ready.
346
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,800
Enough? Is this what it looked like?
347
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,120
Yeah, it's pretty good.
348
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,320
We just missed one bit.
349
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,000
What the fuck?!
350
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,480
Oh. Sorry, I was just...
351
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,040
What the actual fuck?!
352
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,480
I thought I'd lost you.
353
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,960
Blimey.
354
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,520
Is that a Home Alone Hosea look?
355
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,640
One of them.
356
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,560
I had to change, because somebody
357
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,600
squirted jam in my face.
358
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,200
Yeah, sorry about that.
359
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,480
Got a bit carried away.
360
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,560
Why would you do that?
361
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,680
For fun? Oh, yeah,
362
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,320
cos squirting jam
all over someone is so fun.
363
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,040
You want to have a laugh
more often, you do, mate.
364
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,120
Bet you've never been in there
either, have you?
365
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,240
What?
366
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,760
Four or five cans, couple of
tequilas, I'd be straight in there.
367
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,160
It's for fish.
368
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,160
You and your mates
have never jumped in there
369
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,360
when you're pissed? I don't drink.
370
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,880
What?!
371
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,400
Why?!
372
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,760
I guess cos I'm not
a total loser, that's why.
373
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,720
You've got some space hoppers
back there.
374
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,840
I bet you've never even been on
your space hoppers, have you?
375
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,160
I've got what?
376
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,600
99 Luftballons by Nena
377
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,120
How many followers have you got?
378
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,240
Was five mil,
379
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,280
but this dead guy stream should
get the followers back up.
380
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,640
Five million?
381
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,520
I find it hard enough
to manage five mates.
382
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:12,840
I only like four of them.
383
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,240
Weasel's on a final warning.
384
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,400
You've got a friend called Weasel?
385
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,000
Yeah. We keep trying
to get rid of him,
386
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,720
but he pulls us back in.
387
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,480
Maybe my life's not so bad.
388
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,800
♪ Neunundneunzig Luftballons
389
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,320
♪ Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
390
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,800
♪ Hielt man fur Ufos aus dem All
391
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,200
♪ Darum schickte ein... ♪
392
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,520
I just think there has to be
some times in your life
393
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,560
where no-one
can get in touch with you.
394
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,360
When you're not online at all.
395
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,520
Do you know what I mean?
396
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:48,720
Over.
397
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,520
It's not working!
398
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,400
The problem is, a 23-year-old
living in a house
399
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,280
isn't very Home Alone.
400
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,200
People have stopped finding it cute.
401
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,960
Yeah, I get it.
402
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,800
Classic Michael Jackson syndrome.
403
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,760
I am not like Michael Jackson!
404
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:08,920
Whoa!
405
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,480
I don't mean full-blown
weird Michael Jackson.
406
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,640
I mean, you know, when people
first started going,
407
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,720
"Oh. His best friend's a monkey,
is it?
408
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,120
"A monkey?"
409
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,080
People are saying I'm weird.
Like Tom Cruise.
410
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,080
So what does it matter
what a load of strangers think?
411
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,840
Turn your computer off -
job done.
412
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:25,920
What am I going to do?
413
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,320
Become a cleaner?
414
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,120
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
415
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,840
Ah!
416
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,000
♪ Neunundneunzig Kriegsminister
417
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,560
♪ Streichholz und Benzinkanister
418
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,000
♪ Hielten sich fur schlaue Leute
419
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,280
♪ Witterten schon fette Beute
420
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,920
♪ Riefen "Krieg!" Und wollten Macht
421
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,320
♪ Mann, wer hatte das gedacht
422
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,680
♪ Dass es einmal so weit kommt
423
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,320
♪ Wegen neunundneunzig... #
Whoa!
424
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,960
Have you seen? Looks good, right?
425
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,080
Yeah, bro, sweet.
426
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,240
We've got the livestream
ready to go. Come on.
427
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,920
Who IS that?
428
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:05,960
My manager.
429
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,240
Oh, he's your manager?
430
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,880
Right. I just thought
he was the village idiot.
431
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,920
He manages all the big influencers.
432
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,000
Come on.
433
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,240
What? What do you mean?
434
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,520
Well, you've got to be in it.
435
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,120
What? Why?
Well, to make it look proper.
436
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,680
You can clean up in the background.
437
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,320
Clean up the mess
we've just made? Get lost.
438
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,040
Please.
439
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,680
This is a big deal for me.
440
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,040
Yeah, great. So this is Baxter.
441
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,600
He's our senior consultant
demographer,
442
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,320
so he'll be across, like,
live traffic analysis,
443
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,720
updating user profiles
444
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,880
and multi-platform brand reach...
445
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:48,920
..and that.
446
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,880
Fuck me, there's two of him.
447
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,120
Dude, can you start...thingy?
448
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,240
Cleaning? Is that the word
you're struggling for?
449
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,120
We are going live any second,
broski.
450
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:03,120
Well, I mean,
I could rub it with this,
451
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,360
but I'll tell you now, without
the correct chemical formula,
452
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,840
it's just a man moving jam
around a floor.
453
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,520
Please, I'm trying to get
into the right headspace.
454
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:10,920
I've got standards.
455
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,040
I don't want other crime scene
cleaners seeing this.
456
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,920
Two out of the three of them
are real gossips.
457
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,160
I don't want them chatting shit
about me on the WhatsApp group.
458
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,640
You know what that's like. Please!
459
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,920
Hey, guys and girls
and my nonbinary friends.
460
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,640
So, yesterday,
something mad happened.
461
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,600
Y'all know how much I love the '80s,
462
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,080
so I figured what's more '80s
than an original '80s cabinet?
463
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,480
Bummer alert!
464
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,080
It wasn't wired properly, like,
a fuse had gone or something.
465
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,120
This is when things get freaky.
466
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,040
So this guy came round to fix it
467
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,800
and was, like, super sweet,
468
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,840
but there was, like,
469
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,240
a massive problem with the machine
and it's, like, totally killed him.
470
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,960
So the police sent some
clean-up guy to, like,
471
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,120
clean up and that,
472
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,280
but I just wanted my Hoseas to know
what's been going on with me.
473
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,680
Oh, my God,
look at what is going on.
474
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,040
My poor little cleaner guy.
Isn't he cute?
475
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,320
So, apparently, it wasn't
the shock that killed him.
476
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,760
That's why there was so much blood.
477
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,320
That's what you were saying, right?
478
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,760
Uh... Yes?
479
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,200
Well, tell... Tell the guys
480
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,760
what you were saying about,
you know,
481
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,480
the coffee table and something about
the artery.
482
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:26,600
Oh.
483
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,640
Oh.
484
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,560
You can see from the blood
on the wall
485
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,880
that this was actually
the first injury.
486
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,760
The victim would have fallen
and hit his head here,
487
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,360
against this cabinet,
488
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,800
causing this blood spatter pattern.
489
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,040
But it wasn't the head injury
that killed him, was it?
490
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,360
That's what you were telling me.
Oh, no, no.
491
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,440
This is actually nowhere near
as bad as it looks.
492
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,880
You can see that from...
The blood pattern
493
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,400
is actually quite localised
from the abrasion.
494
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,720
Ooh.
495
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,560
What is this?
496
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,440
Mm. Sticky!
497
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,920
Ooh, now, that is interesting.
498
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,360
That's actually
the victim's wedding ring.
499
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,400
You see, during electrocution,
500
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,120
even the small muscles
in the hand,
501
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,080
they would tighten,
causing it to fall off.
502
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,800
It's intriguing what you find out
about victims in this job.
503
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,480
From that,
we know he was married.
504
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,120
From a picture I found
in his wallet earlier,
505
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,800
I can tell you
he had three small children.
506
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,000
Shut up!
This is not about the dead guy!
507
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,520
Not cool, bro!
508
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,600
OK, the stuff about the kids
was too much.
509
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,040
Let's go again!
510
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,040
Please! You're cancelled.
You're cancelled. You're done.
511
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,080
Me? You are cancelled.
512
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,920
We'll rebrand. We can't rebrand.
513
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,160
New vibes, new things.
You can't uncancel a cancel.
514
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,240
I'm done. This is done. You're done.
515
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,240
You're cancelled. And we're done.
516
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,160
And I'm out. OK?
517
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,920
I'm out.
518
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,480
I bought you a cola-flavoured soda.
519
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,560
They're not allowed to call it Coke
for legal reasons.
520
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,200
And because it tastes like piss.
521
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,560
They'll forget.
522
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,440
They'll never forget.
523
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:36,760
It's there forever.
524
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,320
Where? In the cloud.
525
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,160
Is it?
526
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,160
You been sending dick pics, Grandad?
No.
527
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,640
Wish I was born in the '80s.
528
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,040
Yeah, it was good.
529
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,320
No internet.
530
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,080
No phones.
531
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,360
Endless summers.
Yeah, all right, I get it.
532
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:57,480
The Exxon Valdez oil spill.
533
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,680
The Challenger disaster.
534
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,120
Chernobyl.
535
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,920
What? Yeah.
536
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,720
The '80s are just like now -
537
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,080
really great and really shitty.
538
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,760
Don't believe the hype.
539
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,200
Ugh. Jam everywhere.
540
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,520
Yeah. Funny, innit?
541
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,520
In many ways, it's harder
to get out than blood.
542
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:20,480
I'm like Lady Macbeth.
543
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,520
Out, damned jam?
544
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,720
You've not seen it, have you?
545
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,960
No. No.
546
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,280
Course you haven't.
547
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,640
I'll show you a good way
to get jam out.
548
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:38,960
You're not going to... I am.
549
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,760
But you haven't even got jam
on you. No.
550
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:41,880
I've got no jam on me.
551
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,320
I'm going to jump in the pond
just for the sake of it.
552
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,560
Oi.
553
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,200
Put your phone away.
554
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:49,640
Just do a thing.
555
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,400
Fuck it!
556
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,560
Oh, God, it's freezing!
557
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,560
That is actually awful.
558
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:21,840
What's that smell?
559
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,040
That's fish shit.
560
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,640
And duck shit.
561
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,960
Ugh! We should've
just jumped in the hot tub.
562
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,600
In the what?
563
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,640
Yeah.
564
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,280
Yeah, you're right, this is better.
565
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:36,560
Mm. We're like
the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
566
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,320
I know! Right?
567
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,080
You've not seen it, have you?
568
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,320
No.
569
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,000
So, what happened next,
570
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,960
after you jumped in a pond
in the '80s?
571
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,000
Oh, my mum'd bollock us
for getting wet
572
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,760
and then feed us watery minced beef.
573
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,600
My life's not so bad, is it?
574
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:52,600
No!
575
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:56,800
But maybe leave Hosea at home
for a bit.
576
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,600
Go and see some
real-world stuff, eh?
577
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,320
What is your real name?
578
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:04,640
Bernard.
579
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,840
Yeah, stick with Hosea.
580
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:12,560
Bernard.
581
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,400
You do know Home Alone
was filmed in the '90s, right?
582
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,440
It's not '80s.
583
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:19,680
It's been pointed out to me.
584
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,960
Ah.
585
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:23,840
Now the '90s...
586
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,080
..they were amazing.
38683
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
