Original subtitles

Ik weet niet waarom, ik ben altijd dol geweest op happy endings.

Zie je, voor mij de meest romantische, mooie liefdesverhalen ooit

waren degenen waar twee mensen elkaar ontmoeten, verliefd worden,

en dan 50, 60 jaar later sterft een van hen.

En dan een paar dagen daarna sterft de andere

omdat ze gewoon niet zonder elkaar kunnen leven.

Niet dat dat zo'n goed voorbeeld is van een happy end.

Ik bedoel, je hebt twee dode mensen in dat voorbeeld.

Maar zo dacht ik altijd dat het voor Katie en mij zou zijn.

Niet dat we dood zouden zijn, maar dat we voor altijd samen zouden zijn.

Nu Hoog-Laag. Wie wil er eerst? Erine?

Oké, mijn hoogtepunt vandaag is dat ik tijdens de lunch naast Austin Butler zat.

Oh dat is leuk.

Is dat de jongen met de driepotige hond?

Nee, Joel Cummings heeft de driepotige hond.

Austin heeft de schildpad die snurkt.

En je lage?

Kamp.

Hoe zit het met kamp?

Ik weet het niet.

Lieverd, je had het vorig jaar zo leuk.

Weet ik.

Wat is het?

Ben je bang dat je Austin deze zomer uit het oog verliest ?

Ik weet het niet.

Je kunt elkaar altijd schrijven.

Als je je naam tekent, kun je die kleine X'en en O's erop zetten.

Daar houden jongens van, toch?

Kan er geen genoeg van krijgen.

Schat, je gaat een geweldige tijd hebben.

En jij, klootzak? Wat was je high vandaag?

Mijn high was dat de moeder van Gary Ellis een nieuwe sapcentrifuge kocht,

en vandaag ging ik naar zijn huis en dronk een kip.

En je lage?

Ik heb geen laag.

Je moet een dieptepunt hebben.

Kijk, ik zit hier mijn hersens te pijnigen , en ik heb geen dieptepunt, oké?

Oké, oké. Wat als we de kip-smoothie invoeren?

in de hoge en lage categorie?

En jij, mama?

We zullen...

Oh, ik weet wat je high is. Het is jouw verjaardag.

Wat gaan jullie morgenavond doen ?

- Nou, ik wilde je moeder meenemen... - Papa gaat mij meenemen...

- ...uit naar een romantisch diner... - ...uit dansen.

...en mogelijk wat dansen.

Maar je hebt gelijk, lieverd. Dat is onze high.

Kijk, ik zou heel graag blijven voor je lage,

maar de Dodgers spelen tegen de Giants.

- Gaan. - Gaan.

- Kan ik ook gaan? - Gaan.

Luister, het kan me echt niet schelen wat we morgenavond doen.

Het kan me niet eens schelen of we in verschillende restaurants terechtkomen.

Zolang de kinderen ons maar samen zien vertrekken en samen thuiskomen.

Rechts.

Op onze eerste verjaardag heb ik Ben een plastic lepel gegeven.

Je weet wel, de afhaalmaaltijd van een Chinees restaurant?

Het was degene die we hadden gebruikt toen we onze eerste kom wontonsoep deelden in het park.

Hij was bang dat hij het kwijt was, en ik herinner me hoe zijn gezicht oplichtte

toen hij het juwelendoosje opende waar ik het in had gewikkeld.

Ik blijf mezelf afvragen,

"Wanneer is dat moment in een huwelijk?

"wanneer een lepel gewoon een lepel wordt?"

Toen ik Katie voor het eerst ontmoette, werkte ik als schrijver aan deze comedyshow,

en ze was aangenomen als uitzendkracht.

En, ik weet het niet. Het is moeilijk uit te leggen.

Er was een onmiddellijke verbinding, deze simpatico.

Ik had het gevoel dat ze me net te pakken had.

En geloof me, er is geen groter gevoel in deze wereld

dan je aangesproken te voelen.

Ik denk dat de luidste stiltes de stiltes zijn die gevuld zijn

met alles wat er is gezegd,

verkeerd gezegd, 300 keer gezegd.

Je hoort me niet echt .

Je bent zo verdomd kritisch!

Met twee kinderen is het al moeilijk genoeg. Ik heb geen derde nodig.

Dat klopt, je bent perfect, en ik heb in 15 jaar niets goed gedaan!

Je luistert niet.

Je kunt niets loslaten .

Je luistert nooit!

Je houdt vast aan elk klein ding.

Waarom zou je ergens verantwoordelijk voor zijn?

Moet je overal kritisch over zijn?

Ik regel gewoon alles hier in de buurt.

- Prima! - Prima!

Tot vechten eerder de voorwaarde dan de uitzondering wordt,

en plotseling, zonder dat je het weet,

het verandert in de taal van de relatie,

en je enige optie is een stille terugtocht naar neutrale hoeken.

Oké, ben jij een persoon?

Ja.

Ben jij een man?

Daar valt over te discussiëren.

"Betwistbaar"? Heb je een snor?

- Een dikke. - Tante Roos.

- Rechts. - Ja!

Goede oude tante "vijf uur schaduw" Rose.

Oh, God, het is bijna negen uur. We gaan de kampbus missen.

Wauw! Dat noem ik nou een stacaravan.

Kun je er omheen? Het is vijf voor negen.

Tjonge, ze moeten hun postcode vaak veranderen.

Het gebeurt terwijl we spreken. Kijk, 91604, 91604.

91605.

Zou je het kunnen doorgeven?

Hun postbode moet gek worden.

De kinderen gaan hun bus echt missen.

Wauw! Kijk, op de tweede verdieping!

- Iemand gaat de badkamer gebruiken! -Ben.

Kinderen, doe de ramen omhoog.

We staan ​​in de vuurlinie!

Wil je gewoon dat verdomde huis passeren ?

Kijk, kinderen, het huis maakt een recht.

Toen ik op de universiteit zat, moesten we een scriptie schrijven,

het was voor een of andere cursus filosofie die ik volgde,

op elk boek dat we hebben overwogen

om degene te zijn die het beste weergeeft hoe we de wereld bekeken.

En ik herinner me dat sommige mensen boeken uitkiezen van de grote denkers,

zoals Kierkegaard en Plato. Sommige kinderen kozen de Bijbel.

Ik deed mijn paper over Harold en het paarse krijt.

Het is een klein boekje over een kleine jongen

die de wereld tekent zoals hij het wil met zijn magische krijt.

En ik... ik hield gewoon van dat boek omdat

het ging over alles wat ik niet was.

Dus laat me dit rechtzetten. Wil je kruiswoordpuzzels schrijven?

- Dat is echt een baan die iemand wil doen? - Ja.

- En je zou hiervoor betaald krijgen? - Ja.

Dus je weet eigenlijk dingen als "Ra is the Sun God"?

Evenals het symbool voor radium en de afkorting voor 'regulier leger'.

Wauw. Ik weet niet of ik onder de indruk of bang moet zijn.

Ik vind het heel rustgevend en geruststellend,

omdat je weet dat er altijd antwoorden zijn.

Ja, maar niet op de echt grote vragen,

zoals: "Bestaat God?" "Wat is de betekenis van het leven?"

"Waarom ruikt mijn plas raar als ik asperges eet?"

Asparaginezuur, vandaar de naam.

En dit kalmeert je?

Ja. Omdat je nooit echt de antwoorden op de grote vragen zult vinden ,

er is een troost in het vinden van de antwoorden op de kleintjes.

Trouwens, als je klaar bent, is er een heerlijk gevoel van afsluiting,

wetende dat die kleine wereld op die halve pagina compleet is.

Nou, je liet jezelf wijd open.

Kom naar papa!

Maar het probleem in een huwelijk is, als één persoon altijd Harold is,

de wereld tekenen zoals ze willen dat het is,

de andere persoon heeft geen andere keuze dan het te tekenen zoals het is.

Dat is waarschijnlijk de reden waarom ze nooit een boek over de vrouw van Harold hebben geschreven.

Ze gaan weg! Ik wist het! Ik wist het!

- Pak je koffers. - Gaan! Gaan!

- Wacht! Wacht! - Hou het vast! Hou het vast!

- Er komen er nog twee. - Ze zullen wachten, ze zullen wachten.

- Dank je, Mart. - Hé, geen probleem.

- Hey, Marty. - Hey, Ben.

- Doei baby. - Ik houd van je. Veel plezier.

Ik houd van je. Veel plezier.

- Dag, jongen. - Doei vader.

- Dag schat. - Pak de tas van je zus.

- Veel plezier. - Bedankt.

- Ik houd van je. - Ik houd van je.

Joost, schiet op. Ik heb je een stoel bespaard.

- Ik houd van je. - Ik houd van je.

- Doei. - Dag schat.

Doei.

Oke.

Als je me ergens voor nodig hebt, ik ben in de Oceana.

Als er iets komt met de kinderen, bel me gewoon.

Natuurlijk.

Is dit niet het moment waarop een van ons zou moeten zeggen:

"Kijk, dit is belachelijk. We houden van elkaar.

"Alle koppels gaan hier doorheen. Laten we het nog een keer proberen"?

Mijn kont was vanmorgen op televisie .

Wat vertel je ons?

Ik zeg je, mijn kont was op televisie.

Oh dat is juist. Dat was zo bijzonder.

Het Kennedy Center groet 50 jaar Stan's kont.

Ik ging naar de dokter, hij nam deze tube

die een kleine camera aan het einde had,

stak het in mijn reet, en we keken ernaar op een monitor in zijn kantoor.

- Heb je een sigmoïdoscopie gehad? - Precies.

Dat is heel wat anders dan dat je op tv bent.

Hoe?

Nou, laten we allereerst beginnen met het feit

dat een netwerk je kont niet kan annuleren.

Punt goed genomen.

Plus, ik weet niet wat voor soort demografie je hoopt neer te halen

met die grote, harige spleet die naar je knipoogt.

Okee. Goed, heren. We zijn op een openbare plaats.

Denk je dat we het gespreksniveau naar een hoger niveau kunnen tillen?

Prima met mij.

Mooi zo. Ik heb me gisteravond met je secretaresse afgetrokken. Ik hoop dat je het niet erg vindt.

- Waarom zou ik het erg vinden? - Ik weet het niet,

Ik wilde gewoon zeker weten dat het in orde was,

zodat ik met een gerust geweten verder kon.

Pond weg.

O, je bent een goede vriend.

Larry wilde gisteravond echt seks hebben.

Hij gaf me zelfs de massage van 30 seconden.

Oh, je bedoelt de "het kan me echt schelen dat je een slechte dag had" terug wrijven?

die stopt net voordat je echt ontspant,

en dan snel naar het zuiden richting het beloofde land?

Precies.

Dus, heb je de liefde bedreven?

O, dat kon ik niet. Ik was gewoon te moe.

Hoe ben je eruit gekomen?

Nou, ik deed alsof ik in slaap viel tijdens de massage.

Ik deed zelfs dat zware ademhalingsgedoe.

Dus hij denkt dat je in de echt diepe REM zit?

Maar de hele zaak mislukte,

want toen ik echt in slaap viel,

de baby begon te huilen en toen deed Larry alsof hij sliep.

Gek. Als hij net met de baby was opgestaan,

je zou op de trompetten hebben geblazen, de poorten hebben geopend

en verwelkomde de troepen thuis voor Kerstmis.

In een oogwenk.

Wat is er met jou en Charlene aan de hand?

Oeh, had een geweldige avond gisteravond.

En je beweert nog steeds dat je niet vals speelt.

Ja. Dat handhaaf ik met elke vezel van mijn wezen.

Online seks is geen vreemdgaan.

Hoe kom je erachter?

Het is drie uur 's nachts, je vrouw en kinderen slapen boven,

en je bent beneden in je studeerkamer een of andere bimbo in cyberspace aan het neuken.

Oké, ten eerste, we zijn niet aan het neuken, we zijn aan het typen.

En ten tweede, en dit ben ik die aanstoot neemt,

Charlene is geen bimbo.

Je hebt gelijk.

Ze is waarschijnlijk een effectenmakelaar genaamd Ralph die zich voordoet als een of andere bimbo genaamd Charlene.

Waarom zou je op zoiets moois pissen ?

Wat heb ik gezegd?

Het is geen affaire. Teresa heeft nooit seks met hem gehad.

Ze kusten gewoon.

Een kus is een affaire.

Denk je?

Absoluut.

Als je eenmaal iets echt intiems met een andere persoon hebt vastgesteld,

zelfs praten,

het moet de persoon raken met wie je het meest intiem zou moeten zijn.

Maar het gekke is dat Teresa haar man kan neuken.

Ze kon hem gewoon niet kussen. Ik bedoel, kus hem echt.

Het is niet zo gek.

Er zijn tijden geweest dat ik zo boos op Stan was dat ik hem kon neuken,

maar ik wil die koeientong niet bij mij in de buurt hebben.

Een kus kan zoveel intiemer zijn dan seks.

Ja. Waarom is dat?

Omdat neuken betekent, "Ja, ja, ik hou van je", maar een kus...

Een kus betekent: "Ik vind je leuk."

Dat klopt zo.

Ik heb al jaren niet gezoend, ik bedoel, echt gezoend met Larry.

Maakt dat je niet verdrietig?

Niet echt.

Waarom?

Ik weet het niet.

Omdat het onvermijdelijk is. Het is de slijtage van het werk.

De luiers, de driftbuien, het huiswerk, de hoofdsteden.

Het koninkrijk, stam, geslacht, soort, je moeder, zijn moeder,

en plotseling, alles waar je je bewust van bent?

is dat er te veel natte handdoeken op de vloer liggen,

hij houdt de afstandsbediening vast en hij krabt zich met een vork op zijn rug.

En eindelijk kom je oog in oog te staan ​​met de onveranderlijke waarheid

dat het vrijwel onmogelijk is om iemand een tongzoen te geven

wie pakt de nieuwe rol wc-papier

en laat het rusten op de lege kartonnen rol.

God verhoede dat hij de twee seconden nodig heeft om het daadwerkelijk te vervangen.

Ziet hij het niet? Ziet hij het niet?

Ik zeg het je.

Het huwelijk is de Jack Kevorkian van romantiek.

Oh God! Ah! Oh!

Oh Jezus. Shit!

- Hij sloeg me! - Ik heb haar niet geslagen.

Ik liep de kamer uit en ze stond me in de weg.

Ah! Hij deed het met opzet.

Jongens, jongens, jongens, wacht even, hou vol, hou vol, hou vol!

- Hallo? Hé, Ben? Wat? - Hé, kijk, ik heb een grote rode...

- Laat haar scheuren! - Katja.

Je gaat niet geloven waar ik voor sta.

Ze breken ons oude appartement af.

Ooh!

- Wat? Wat? - Zien? Zien?

Josh, heb je haar geslagen?

- Ze is ermee begonnen. - Wat?

Ik zei haar nooit in mijn kamer te komen zonder te vragen.

Het gaat naar het appartement van mevrouw Gutierrez. Ooh, daar gaat haar raam.

Heb je haar Discman geleend zonder te vragen?

Ja, maar, ik bedoel, ze was er klaar mee.

Was je er klaar mee?

- Ben, ik kan nu niet praten. - Ze heeft haar Discman al 2 dagen niet gebruikt.

Wauw! Ga gewoon naar Jack Roikman's huis.

Herinner je je de man met de patriottische orgasmes nog?

"God zegene Amerika! God zegene Amerika! Land waar ik van hou!"

Kun je hem niet gewoon de jouwe laten gebruiken?

Nee! Hij laat me nooit gebruiken...

Ben, ik kan nu niet praten.

Maar, Katie, hier zijn jij en ik begonnen.

Dit is waar we een ons werden.

Oh! Just hit the wall where we used to measure the kids' heights.

Ben, I... Josh, you shouldn't have hit your sister.

No TV for a week.

You're so unfair. Wait until I tell Dad.

Jesus Christ! I gotta go. Are you okay?

Katie! Katie!

Goddamn it!

You don't think fantasizing is cheating?

Oh, please. Who was getting hurt?

Yesterday, I met this stunning blonde woman

up at the food court at the Beverly Center.

She had, like, one of those little rings in the belly button thing.

Yeah. But you know what? I forgave her.

'Cause at least it wasn't in her eyebrow or in her tongue.

Beautiful. Beautiful. We start chatting,

and we struck up a little conversation waiting for our turkey roll-ups.

And I'm telling you, she's smiling, I'm smiling.

And just that, that 30-second encounter,

that alone will do wonders for me tonight

when I'm shaking hands with the sheriff.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

- Am I wrong? - No. No, you're right.

The other day, I told a joke to this very intriguing woman

that I ran into at the dry cleaners'.

I mean, if this had been the '30s, she definitely would have been a communist.

Or at a minimum, a communist sympathizer.

But the point is, the way she laughed at that joke

reminded me of how Rachel used to laugh at my jokes.

You gonna follow up?

Oh, no, I could never do that.

I think the Ten Commandments were probably a lot easier to stick to

when you dropped dead at 35.

I mean, we... They should be amended.

They should have a little amendment, like the Constitution, you know.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house,

thy neighbor's wife, thy neighbor's ass.

But, if you feel you have to covet your neighbor's wife's ass,

just don't do it in thy neighbor's house.

What is wrong with that? A simple amendment.

Two-thirds majority. Slide through both houses.

Seriously, name me one person,

name one guy that you know who's never cheated on his wife.

I wasn't cheating!

I walk into your office,

and I hear you telling some woman, some Sara,

intimate details about our relationship,

about our problems?

Obviously there's something going on between you and this woman.

There is nothing going on between us! We were just talking!

About us? About our life?

We were just talking!

That's not talking. That's a relationship!

Why didn't you tell me about her if there's nothing to hide?

Why didn't you tell me?

I just needed somebody to talk to!

Bullshit!

Why didn't you talk to me?

Mommy, I need a drink of water.

I'll be right there, honey.

You wanna know why I don't talk to you? You wanna know why?

Because you treat me like I'm some big fucking pain in the ass

that gets in the way of what otherwise would be

a perfectly normal, organized life!

Have you ever thought that maybe everything isn't always about you?

Maybe I'm tired.

Maybe I'm dealing with 5,000 things all day long.

Maybe every little need you have doesn't always have to be met

at the exact moment you need it to be met.

Mommy!

God, we have actual kids here, Ben.

I am not a third child!

I am not talking about having every one of my needs met!

I'm talking about a connection, a look,

something that says that we're on the same side here.

Why don't you talk to your girlfriend?

I'm sure she can help us get back on the same side.

The key to a happy marriage is to accept the essential chasm between men and women.

Which is?

A man can mend a fight with sex.

A woman can't have sex until they've resolved the fight.

Why is that?

It's the basic difference between the penis and the vagina.

A penis is a thruster, a battering ram, if you will.

Even if it's mad, it can ram. Sometimes it even helps.

It's the mad-ram principle.

However, the vagina... Ah, the vagina.

The vagina has to be relaxed

in order to open and receive.

It can't be that gracious hostess in a state of anger.

And that goes for blow jobs and kissing as well.

Every female point of entry needs to know that the penis is coming in peace.

Do you have any Sweet'N Low?

Would Equal be okay?

Whatever.

I've always felt that no matter what Katie and I were going through,

no matter how painful things got,

if our feet found each other under the blankets, even just the slightest connection,

it would let us know that we'd entered the demilitarized zone,

that we were gonna be okay, that we were still an us.

There are some hurts that you never completely get over,

and you think, I don't know that time will diminish their presence.

And to a degree, it does, but, uh, it still hurts,

because, well,

hurt hurts.

If you lose your room key, contact the front desk.

En als je waardevolle spullen hebt, bewaar ze dan in de hotelkluis. Het is gratis.

Wat dacht u van een pizza bij het zwembad van ons café Wolfgang Puck?

Daarna is het een korte wandeling naar de Santa Monica Pier en het strand.

Wanneer de kinderen acteren, zullen de golven hen rechtzetten.

De Patriot is het bewijs dat raketverdediging werkt.

En zoals ons is geleerd door Saddam Hoessein...

Er is iets aan de manier waarop die man 'Saddam' zegt

dat maakt dat ik je nog meer wil.

Eén heerser zonder respect voor menselijk fatsoen.

O mijn God!

- Ja schatje. - De tandenfee.

- Waar? - Josh' tand.

We zijn vergeten te plaatsen geld onder zijn kussen te leggen.

Lieve schat.

Lieverd, Josh slaapt. Ik weet zeker dat dit nog een paar minuten kan wachten.

Nee, nee, nee, schat! Misschien vergeten we het later.

Nou, wie gaat er?

Steen Papier Schaar. Shit!

Meneer de president,

Ik vertrouw je mijn binnenkort naakte vrouw toe.

Jij zorgt voor haar, zorgt voor het land. En mijn liefde voor Barbara.

Ik ben zo terug.

Oh, Ben!

Wat?

Ah?

Ik ben zo terug.

Alles wat belangrijk is in de wereld ligt nu in dit bed.

Ik houd van je.

Ik houd van je.

Hallo, je hebt het huis van Jordan, Jordanië, Jordanië en Jordanië bereikt.

Nary a Jordan is momenteel aanwezig ,

dus als je een bericht wilt achterlaten voor Katie, Ben, Josh of Erin,

wat is een betere tijd dan...

Hallo, ik ben het.

Ik bel alleen om te vragen hoe het met de kinderen gaat,

kijken of we ansichtkaarten van hen hebben.

Als er iets is, kun je me bellen.

Oke. Tot ziens.

Hallo?

Hoi.

Oh Hallo.

Uh, luister, ik heb net je bericht ontvangen.

Ik stond onder de douche toen je belde.

De kinderen lijken het heel goed te doen.

Ik heb de ansichtkaarten net in een envelop gestopt.

Je zou ze morgen moeten krijgen.

Mooi zo.

Gaat het?

Ja, ik ben in orde. Gaat het?

Ja, ik ben in orde.

Oke.

Doei.

Doei.

De wereld van de honingbij is gevuld met zonneschijn,

weiden en felgekleurde bloemen.

Honingbijen leven in goed georganiseerde huizen die netelroos worden genoemd.

Het is hier dat ze hun jongen grootbrengen en hun honing maken.

Hallo?

Ja, hallo. Ik ben het.

Oh Hallo.

Hoe gaat het met jou?

Het gaat goed met mij. Mooi zo. Ja, echt goed.

Mooi zo. Hoe gaat het?

Hoezo?

Hoe gaat het?

Oh, eh...

Weet je, ik dacht net aan de badkamer boven, en ik wilde je eraan herinneren

om die vent in te plannen om binnen te komen en de badkuip opnieuw te breeuwen.

Ik heb het al gedaan.

Oh. Eh... Nou.

Mooi zo.

Oke. eh...

Vervolgens...

Doei.

Doei.

Okee. Iedereen ziet er geweldig uit. Hier komt Ron.

Okee. Heb je alles eruit gehaald?

Hallo.

Ik belde net om te zien of je de naam herinnert van die boomchirurg die we gebruikten.

Joey Bisschop.

Ja. Ja, maar nee.

Maar het was een van die Rat Pack-jongens, toch?

Ja, juist.

- Frank Sinatra. - Nee.

- Decaan Maarten. - Nee.

Sammy Davis, Jr.?

Dat is het! Joey Davis Jr.!

Joey Davis, Jr., de boomchirurg.

Ik zie nog steeds het bordje op die kleine blauwe vrachtwagen van hem.

Rechts. Oke, bedankt.

Oke. Doei.

Luister, je shirts kwamen terug van de schoonmakers.

Oh. Eh, gaaf.

Ik kom langs om ze te halen.

Omdat ik ze kan afzetten.

Nee nee. Nee, het is goed zo. Ik kom ze graag halen.

Wat zou voor jou een goede tijd zijn?

Ik weet het niet. Waarom kom je morgen niet langs?

Ik ben om zeven uur thuis. Als je wilt, kun je blijven eten.

Weet je het zeker?

Nee.

Oke.

Ik zie je morgen.

Hoi.

Hoi.

Je ziet eruit als... zoals jij.

Jij ook.

Ik denk dat ik hier de hele nacht op de veranda kan staan .

Ik bedoel, ik ben in het huis geweest. Ik heb het gezien.

Hoe vaak hebben we niet gezegd: "We zouden deze veranda echt vaker moeten gebruiken"?

Kom binnen. Kom binnen. Mijn huis is letterlijk jouw huis.

Bedankt.

Hé, daar is mijn stomerij.

Ja, ik heb het voor je weggelaten .

Mooi zo. Op die manier zal ik eraan denken om het mee te nemen.

Omdat ik het in de kast zou kunnen leggen , maar ik...

Nee nee. Dat is een perfecte stomerijplaatsing.

- Wil je iets drinken? - Wil je iets...

- Wil je wat wijn? - Ja.

I think I remember where it is.

If memory serves correct, you like red wine?

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, it's all coming back to me.

Wine is breathing a lot better than I am.

So, hey, you'll never believe what I did last night.

What?

I actually attempted to do one of your crossword puzzles.

No.

Yes.

I have a question. What was three-down? I just couldn't get it.

Four letters. "Feeling of psychological discomfort."

"Blah."

"Blah."

Cheers.

Cheers.

Did...

Was this always here?

No, I bought it last week.

Any other new appliances I should know about?

Well, as long as we're spilling our guts here,

I also got this new garlic press.

The body's not even cold, and she's out buying garlic presses.

How do you think the kids are doing?

Well, from the cards, it sounds like they're doing pretty good.

I think Erin misses us, but she's okay.

Yeah, she seems okay.

You think she's okay?

I think she's okay.

Because I think she senses that we're not okay, and...

Parents' Weekend is coming.

Well, we'll just have to give her

a lot of extra attention and really love her up.

Yeah.

Should we eat?

Yeah, I could eat.

This is really good.

Thanks.

High-Low?

Sure.

What's your high?

- Honestly? - Yeah.

Right now.

And your low?

Every minute of the last two weeks.

How about you?

My high would have to be the Cuisinart, because I wanted it ever so badly.

And your low?

Hmm...

I would have to say the garlic press.

It's not nearly as handy as I thought it would be.

I lay myself open, and you mock me with kitchenware.

All the while making me more attractive to you.

Is that your intention?

I'm not sure.

Well, it's working.

Well, looks like I haven't been doing too much reading.

Yeah. No. Right.

Whoa!

Okay. I'm ready. How about you?

- I, uh... - What?

- Uh... - Come on, Katie.

Remember what Dr. Tischner said,

"If you had it once, you can always get it back."

Was that Dr. Tischner or was that Dr. Hopkins?

- Hopkins? - Yeah.

The one with the sibilant "S."

Right. No. Wrong. It was a lateral lisp.

Sex is simply a symbolic expression

of the emotional status of a relationship.

Sustained lack of sex is symptomatic of disassociation.

No, no. The one with the lateral lisp was Dr. Rifkin.

Dr. Hopkins was the one with the Rorschach birthmark on his forehead.

Right. The one that looked like the state of California.

How could you pay attention to anything that guy was saying?

This cycle of closeness,

then estrangement you've both told me about,

what instigates it, triggers it? First thing that comes to your mind.

- Sacramento. - Governor Gray Davis.

Oh, my personal favorite was the Freudian with the prostate problem.

When two people go to bed,

there are actually six people in that bed.

If you'll excuse me.

Are we allowed to talk when he's gone?

I don't know.

What do you think?

To be on the safe side, maybe we better not.

The six people in bed are the two of you,

and your parents, and your parents.

Now, the key is...

Will you excuse me, please?

I can't believe that guy charged us for the full session.

The man was peeing on our time.

All that therapy was just a waste of time and money.

When you think about it, where did all that therapy really get us?

It got us right here, laughing about it.

- He's right. - Oh, what are you talking about?

Once it's broken, it can never really be fixed.

- I don't know. - The queen has spoken.

- What? - Nothing.

Maybe it's just too soon.

Too soon? What are you talking about?

The whole point of having a knockdown, drag-out fight

is playing "Hide the Salami" afterwards.

See?

Let hard times bring you together.

Nobody said it would be easy.

Can't we let hard times bring us together?

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

It's like the Andrews Sisters.

After Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy

and before Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree.

Big career slump there.

It's like the Andrews Sisters before

Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree.

The Andrews Sisters?

Sure. They didn't stop singing just because they had a few flops.

They hung in there, and the rest is music history.

Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me

Uh, I just don't understand

- why you're bringing up the Andrews Sisters now. - No, no, no.

- You're singing? - It's just an example, Katie.

These kids are in trouble, and you're singing?

Oh, Dot. Put out once in a while. Your face won't be so tight.

Slut.

I just don't understand what their career slump

has to do with our marital problems.

Don't sit under the apple tree

What are we supposed to do?

Making matters worse by dwelling on every little thing

- for the rest of our lives? - Harry!

Is that what you think I do? Is that how you see me?

You're a child, Harry.

That I just dwell on everything?

You're a 72-year-old infant.

There are real problems here that we haven't even begun to deal with.

Don't you think I know that? Jesus, what happened to you?

What happened to that fun girl,

the one with the pith helmet? Where did she go?

You don't think I ask myself that every day?

You beat her out of me! There's no room here for her.

You think it's all fun and games, Harry.

So, I guess it's all my fault that you hang on to every little thing.

But the car doesn't drive by itself.

It's all my fault that you can't let go of anything.

Someone has to take the wheel.

It's all my fault that you turned into your goddamn mother?

Fuck you!

- Katie... - No.

Look, I still think that there is a chance...

Ben, you love who we were.

You couldn't possibly love what we've become.

I think I spotted us at dinner tonight.

We can't stay together just because we get a glimpse of us

every once in a while.

It was less than 15 minutes ago.

All we proved that is if we're apart for weeks at a time,

we might be able to get through a dinner.

- That's not a marriage. - Katie.

Ben...

It's over.

You're writing a book about your grandmother?

Yeah. She was an extraordinary woman.

Oh, I'm sure she was.

Did she fuck a president?

No.

No. Did she discover uranium?

No.

- A cure for cancer? - No.

- Nothing like that? - No.

Why would anybody want to read a book about her?

Because, Dave, she was four-foot-nine.

She immigrated from Europe when she was a little girl.

She worked in a sweatshop making buttonholes 14 hours a day,

and yet somehow managed to raise five kids

and stay married to the same man for 57 years.

I'm telling you, Dave,

this is gonna be the greatest love story ever told.

Let me explain something to you. Not as your agent.

This is as a friend.

Come here. Come here.

All right. You see all these people out here, huh?

You see they're getting into buildings. They're driving in cars.

They're crossing the street there. They're walking around.

Every single one of these people

is going to die someday. And they all know it.

Which is why they tend to regard

the time that they have on this planet as precious.

Now, there are a lot of things that take up a lot of that time,

even if they don't enjoy it. They have to go to work. They have to get dressed.

They have to wait in lines. They have to clean yards. They gotta get batteries.

They have to visit the eye doctors.

They're doing all these things.

Now, add that to the time they spend sleeping and eating,

and washing up and voting,

and buying gifts for people they don't even like,

and you can see why they're so choosy about how they spend

whatever leisure time they do have.

And you can understand why,

unless she went down on somebody really interesting,

why they're not gonna waste their valuable time

reading a book about your fucking grandmother!

So if I'm reading you right, you don't like the idea.

It's not that.

You know, I find the Ariana much more fragrant than the Raphaela.

Ari... Oh. I'll keep that in mind.

- How you doing? - Fine.

I never got a chance to thank you for holding the camp bus.

Oh, please, please. Any time you need a bus held, I am your guy.

And I noticed Erin's teeth are looking good.

Thanks to you.

I just hope she's remembering to wear her night retainer.

Well, you know how kids are at camp.

Oh, please. The minute my Kevin gets off that bus, it's goodbye, bite plate.

Is that for you?

Oh, uh... Yes.

When Deirdre and I got divorced, I decided that I had to learn how to cook.

Ah. The Wok-y World of Thai Cooking.

I'm branching out.

You know, as a matter of fact, I'm taking

a Thai cooking course this summer.

Really? I've always been interested in Asian cooking.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Well, why don't you join me?

When I think about it,

over the years, there were less and less moments in the course of the day

when Ben and I actually made real eye contact.

You are not gonna believe...

- Shh. - What?

He's almost asleep.

Maybe it was the stuff of life.

"Who's going to take Erin to school?"

Come here.

"Whose turn is it to pick up Josh from his clarinet lesson?"

- Go! Go! - Yes!

But after a while

there was a disturbing comfort in not really having to deal with each other.

Because somehow, you just get used to the disconnection.

And even at night, when we could finally come together, we wound up facing forward.

Yeah, we were tired, but I think we were afraid that if we faced each other,

there'd be nothing there.

We're learning Mee Krob next week.

Mee Krob?

I'll let you know.

Okay.

Oh. Here.

I'll call you. Uh... You call me.

Okay.

When we drove to the camp for Parents' Weekend,

I was scared to death of having to face the kids.

It was the kind of thing you would talk about with a best friend,

but Katie had been my best friend,

and now I didn't know what we were to each other,

except Josh and Erin's parents.

What?

Nothing.

...is nothing?

This is not going to be easy.

Look, I swear to God, Ben, the kids do not need to be burdened with our problems.

They've still got half a summer left.

Yeah, like that was my plan, to burden the kids with our problems.

Jesus Christ, Katie, will you give me some fucking credit?

- Mom! - Dad!

Hey!

Hey!

- Hi! - Hi! Oh.

I missed you.

I missed you so much. I missed you both so much.

Dad?

Dad, pull yourself together.

Dad, get off of me!

You guys both look terrific. Show us your bunks.

Yeah, I wanna see your bunks, too.

Hey, did you guys get your favorite room at the lodge, the Acorn Cabin?

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Yeah, we got the Acorn Cabin.

Good morning, Uncle Josh.

Gentlemen.

Children!

I'm pulling as hard as I can.

- Pull! - Ahh!

God, I hate lying to 'em.

Me, too. We're not even good at it.

Even if we were good at it, they'd still know.

What is that?

What's what?

The thing you just put in your mouth.

Oh. It's my bite plate.

Bite plate?

Yeah, it's my bite plate.

Why do you have a bite plate?

For my bite.

What's wrong with your bite?

It's askew.

Askew.

Yes, it's askew.

So this would be an attempt to "de-skew" it?

- Yes. - Huh.

You order room service?

No.

- Erin. - Erin?

- Honey, what's the matter? - Nothing. I'm okay.

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep, so I snuck out after lights out.

I know I just really wanted to sleep with you guys.

It's okay, sweetheart. I'll call the camp and let them know you're here.

Okay.

Why is the bed made up on the couch?

Oh, honey, Daddy was just doing a little reading

and I didn't want to wake Mommy up.

Sometimes you just can't climb out of the abyss.

I kept thinking of last summer, when Katie and I still hoped

that if we could just put ourselves in some idyllic setting,

that we could somehow get rid of all the tension, and jump-start our marriage

and maybe rediscover why we fell in love in the first place.

So last year, after Parents' Weekend,

we thought that, maybe, in a small trattoria in Venice,

looking out at a beautiful sunset next to a bottle of Chianti,

we just might find a set ofjumper cables.

How you doing? Two Italian ices, please.

Honey, you don't have to say "Italian." We're here. They know.

So, what're you saying? That if I'm in Belgium

and I order a Belgian Waffle, I just say "waffle"?

Yes, just like if you were in Ireland

and you wanted a bowl of Irish stew, you'd just say "stew."

Well, you know, if you're in China and you want some Chinese food,

you just say, "Hey, bring on the food."

We couldn't help but overhear your delightful repartee.

We're the Kirbys from Cleveland. And you are?

- The Mansons. - From Spahn Ranch.

- Ah! - That...

That's a good one.

Look, sweetie, right there, the red cape.

- Oh, I like that. - Yeah.

Hey! It's you... People.

Yeah, the Kirbys from Cleveland.

Joanie and Eddie.

Sure, sure. How could we forget?

We haven't stopped talking about you.

Well, this is like fate. We have to get together, break bread.

- Oh, definitely. - Sounds great.

We're at the Hotel Pastafagiol.

Uh, why don't you call us? We're at the Europa Regina.

- Great, great. - Great, great. We'll call you.

- Okay, great. - Right on.

- Wow. Look at this. - This is beautiful.

Yes, please. This way.

Oh, thank you.

Canal-side seating. Very nice.

Oh, my God!

Meant to be.

Kismet, kismet!

You know, we went looking for your hotel, but we couldn't find it anywhere.

Yeah, it's pretty hard to find.

Well, all's well that ends well.

I tell ya, it was just like fate, the first time I met Joanie.

I was working at Prudential on the sixth floor,

and Eddie was working at Allied Mutual on the fourth floor.

- Hand to God. - And every day in the cafeteria,

which was on the third floor...

I would see Joanie in the salad bar line, JOANIE: Right.

and she would smile at me. Not just a smile. I mean, a really big smile.

And then, one day I was at the salad bar at Beefsteak Charlie's,

and I thought I saw her in that salad bar line.

But it wasn't me.

It wasn't Joanie!

Wow. What are the odds of another person in a salad bar line

looking so much like Joanie, and yet not actually being Joanie?

What, like, a trillion to one, huh?

Could be higher than that, Eddie.

Well, anyway, when I realized it wasn't Joanie,

I was so disappointed.

- Oh! - And then I began to think

about how much I'd hoped that it was Joanie.

But, at this point in the story, you still hadn't met.

No.

And I couldn't get over how much I wanted this person to be Joanie.

And I think that was the defining moment,

because I went back to my wife there at the table at Beefsteak Charlie's,

and I realized that I felt more alive

thinking about that stranger that I thought was Joanie,

than I did sitting with this stranger who was my wife.

Well, we were both in marriages that we had completely outgrown.

Yeah, and you know, maybe I didn't want to admit it,

but maybe I didn't like myself enough to be with someone who liked me.

Can you imagine anybody not liking Eddie Kirby?

Oh, I'm not so perfect.

Oh, beg to differ.

Anyway, that year, we both mustered up enough courage to leave our marriages.

So at this point you had met.

No.

- Still hadn't met? - No.

But you know, after you've had such a horrible marriage,

you don't want to make the same mistakes twice.

So, I made an inner pact with myself.

I said, "Eddie Kirby,

"you will never, ever let the anger build up to the point

"where you just don't like your partner."

I made the same pact.

And that became our credo.

"Never go to bed angry."

So now we talk everything through.

We won't let even the tiniest pea be under our mattress.

That's why we never eat in bed.

Me, too.

Who would've thought that the Kirbys, the happiest couple never to have met,

would turn out to be the greatest aphrodisiac known to man?

If only there was a way to bottle that unfettered state of mind

that comes with being on foreign soil.

To just hold on to it, even for a day, an evening, an hour.

Last year, when we got back from Italy, God knows we gave it a try.

Hey, look at this.

While we were away, we got a special message from his holiness, the Dalai Lama.

It's something about a softball team he's trying to get started.

Hey, wanna write a letter to the kids together, let them know we're back?

Sure.

"Dear Josh and Erin."

Oh, sure. You get the easy part.

"We're

"back."

"From

"Europe."

That's not a sentence. It's a preposition and a continent.

No, I crossed out your period and made a sentence.

See? "We're back from Europe." Your turn.

Thank you.

Exclamation point, comma, closed parenthesis.

"But I

"don't want to talk

"about grammar."

Colon.

"I want to make love

"to your mother."

No, you didn't write that.

Ben!

What? I do. I want to.

After we finish the letter.

No, no, no. Let's make love right now.

We make love now. Then we write the letter.

Come on. We only had a couple of sentences to go.

In Europe, you would've made love first.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

That I'm not spontaneous?

I'm not saying that.

No, but that's what you were implying.

- I wasn't implying anything. - That in Europe, I would've made love, but here...

No, no, look. I just don't want us to get to the point where we can't make love

unless there's a concierge downstairs.

Just because I wanted to take three minutes

to finish a letter to our children,

- who I haven't seen in... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is that supposed to mean? That I don't care about our children?

If you'd just let me finish the letter, I could be more spontaneous.

That's not spontaneous. That's called making an appointment.

I was in the mood for some unscheduled affection, but, ooh, I'm sorry, we're home,

I forgot, everything's gotta be on a schedule.

You try raising children where everything's unscheduled,

when everything is spontaneous!

You know what, Katie?

The kids need a little spontaneity, too!

I know that!

I am just sick and tired of always having to be

the designated driver of this marriage.

Hey, nobody designated you as anything. It's a role you gave yourself!

Bullshit! You gave me that role!

Because God forbid Ben should ever remember to cancel the newspapers,

or put washer fluid in his car,

or participate in disciplining his children,

instead of flirting on the phone with your goddamn girlfriend!

Jesus Christ. You're not gonna bring that up again, are ya?

You're damn straight I'm gonna bring it up again.

I haven't spoken to her in over six months!

Not for one second have you seen it through my eyes!

You know what, Katie, you know what?

We don't have a pea under our mattress.

You know what we have? A fuckin' watermelon!

And you never want to deal with it!

Oh, fuck it!

Jesus!

Welcome home.

Bye, Dad.

See ya, man. Way to hit the ball.

- Thanks. - All right.

I love you.

- Bye, Mom. - Bye, buddy.

- I love you. - Love you.

- See you guys in a month. - Good. Bye.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

- Bye, you guys. - Not too many marshmallows.

- Bye, Daddy. - Just a couple of weeks.

Watch your toes.

See ya.

Okay. Bye, kids.

Bye!

You think we should get one lawyer or two?

One.

Maybe we can at least make this part...

All I care about is that we make it as easy for the kids as possible.

Yeah.

And I'm sure you noticed that the bathroom

still has the original tiling from the '20s.

Yeah, it's nice.

You know, since you're a writer, I know you would appreciate that the sister

of Bette Davis' chauffeur once had Thanksgiving in the apartment next door.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Are there any other kids in this building?

Oh, oodles.

Including, if I might add, the nephew of the actor

who jumped third into the fourth lifeboat on Titanic.

Rent the film, you'll see, I'll introduce you.

You know, I am showing it to another family this afternoon,

but if you're interested,

I can hold it for you, give your wife a chance to have a little look-see...

I'm interested.

Who wouldn't be?

Look how the light from that window fills the room.

You know, when I showed this very apartment to the man

who did the voice of Charlie the Tuna,

he said, and I quote, "Wow." Unquote.

I think that says it all.

First, you put olive oil, garlic and tofu.

Sauté until garlic turn light brown.

Make sure that your wok have a strong heat underneath it.

Now take an egg and crack it to the hot oil.

Make sure all the ingredients are cooked thoroughly.

Oh! Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.

Now we add some Pad Thai noodle.

I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend, but I didn't see you.

Oh, I went up the weekend before.

Since the divorce, it's a lot easier for everyone

if we come up at separate times.

But Kevin and I took a great hike up to that waterfall.

Did you and Ben take that hike?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was beautiful.

Yeah.

Spice it up with some chili pepper.

You know, spicy food make a better lover.

The hotter you eat, the hotter you get.

Well, the spicier the better for me. Whoo!

Rice vinegar.

Whoa!

Does Ben like Thai food?

Yeah. Yeah.

Have you and Ben ever been to Tommy Tang's?

Uh, Ben and I are... Uh... Separated.

Oh, gee, I had no idea.

We're... We're not really telling people.

Oh. I understand.

I'm so sorry. How long?

Uh, 72 hours, four weeks, five years,

depending on when you start counting.

I'm really sorry. I know how hard it can be.

You know, this is gonna sound crazy, but, um,

I always enjoyed Erin and Josh's appointments over the years

because it gave me a chance to get to know you,

but when you called me about your bite, I...

I felt myself looking forward to it because I knew we'd be alone.

And, um, just tell me if it's too soon,

but I was wondering if maybe you want to have dinner sometime.

We are having dinner.

Well, I was thinking of something that didn't involve a teacher.

Now you have it. Pad Thai noodles.

You always hear people say,

"They stayed together too long in a bad marriage."

Well, for the longest time, I never thought of my marriage as being bad.

I just thought love was something you were allowed to fall in and out of.

You know, peaks and valleys.

But after a while, the peaks get lower and further apart,

and then one day you find yourself wondering, "Is this who I really am,

"someone who has taken up permanent residence in the valley?

"Or is this just who I am with this person?"

And then you ask yourself,

"Maybe there is another version of my life, of myself,

"that's a happier one."

Bullshit.

"Yossel looked into Minnie's eyes and felt...

"Nothing.

"For two years they'd been apart.

"And now, as she stepped off the boat,

"he realized he was looking into the eyes of a...

"Stranger.

"A girl he no longer knew."

"...unaffectionate daughter

"of a blind Lithuanian violin maker."

No, no, it's fear. It was all about fear.

Fear is what kept them together.

This whole time, Stan, I've been idealizing my grandparents' marriage,

and let me tell you, this was not the love of the ages.

Two people who stayed together because they were terrified.

Fear of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.

Sure, fear. That's the main motivator for everything.

That, and guilt, are the two emotions that keep a society humming.

What are you saying, you and Rachel stay together because you're afraid?

- In a word, yes. - And you're okay with that?

In three words, yes and no.

See, it's not that simple.

You're looking for clear-cut answers.

In reality, there is nothing clear-cut. Life is not clear-cut.

Life is gray.

For instance...

What do you see right here?

What are you asking me, Stan?

I'm asking you, what do you see?

I see your ass.

That's what you think you see. But in reality, there is no ass.

What the... What are you telling me?

There is no ass.

Just the fatty part at the top of each leg

that just so happens to be butted up against each other.

Hence the word "butt."

See, essentially, what we're dealing with here

is just a continuation of the leg.

Okay, all right, now you lost me.

Ben, it's all illusions.

There is no such thing as an ass,

just like there's no such thing as the perfect marriage,

the perfect job, the perfect child.

The whole notion

of staying together and living happily ever after,

all illusions.

So you're saying you don't believe in everlasting love.

You're seeing the ass again, and not the tops of the legs.

Love is just lust in disguise,

and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you.

Well, Katie and I have moved way past being able to stand each other.

We've moved right into the hatred part.

I wouldn't worry about it. Hate fades.

Hate fades?

That's what you're telling me? That's your message?

That's what you're gonna send me out into the world with?

"Hate fades"? "Love is lust"? "There is no ass"?

What a disappointment you've turned out to be.

Just promise me one thing.

Please, please, just promise me that you will not say any of this to Rachel.

What, are you crazy? This conversation ends here.

When Stan called me from the car, I couldn't believe it.

I mean, I knew you guys were going through some rough times, but...

We didn't wanna say anything until we knew we weren't gonna get back together.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Well, how are you doing?

I don't know.

I thought I'd be devastated.

Maybe it just hasn't hit me.

You're having an affair.

What are you... What are you talking about?

The only reason not to be devastated is if you're seeing someone else.

I am not seeing someone else.

Are you serious about this guy you're not seeing?

I don't know what it is. All I know is, he's nothing like Ben.

He's responsible. He plans ahead. He has a Swiss Army Knife.

He even wants to cook dinner for me.

He's a sandbag.

He's a what?

He's just a sandbag against the storm,

holding off the inevitable devastation.

Rachel, are you okay?

Honey?

I'm sorry.

I know I'm supposed to be the one holding your hand,

but I just feel terrible.

I mean, the thought of you guys not being together.

You're our best friends.

Fourth of Julys and Thanksgivings and Christmases.

You guys were our Fred and Ethel Mertz.

That's weird. We thought you guys were our Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Oh, really?

I never thought this was going to happen to me and Ben.

I thought we were going to be the ones to go the distance.

But I just couldn't seem to get him to put down that purple crayon.

But that's Ben.

That's who you fell in love with.

Katie, you are at 80 who you are at eight.

People don't change!

People change over time. You've got to expect that.

Ben, the only way a relationship works

is if people grow and change together.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Kogen. Mr. Jordan.

Nice to have you tonight.

Is Mrs. Jordan not joining us this evening?

No, she's not.

Stan! I told you to make the reservation for three!

I forgot.

How could you forget something like that?

Why don't you say it a little louder?

The guy in the parking lot didn't hear you.

It wasn't that loud.

Right this way.

Enjoy your meal.

Did you see Sunday's seven-down?

No, I missed that one.

Five-letter word.

Wants. Requirements. Rhymes with "weeds."

- Needs? - Exactly.

It was a direct attack on me.

Oh, Ben, come on. You're being silly. It's just a clue in a crossword puzzle.

No. I know my wife.

She was specifically attacking me.

And for what?

Having needs.

Like having needs is some terrible thing.

Show me one person on this planet who doesn't have needs.

Ben, you should try this bread

dipped in the olive oil. It's delicious.

Stan, give Ben the bread.

Why must you always yell?

- Who was yelling? - You were.

- That was not a yell. - That was a yell.

You just heard it as a yell. He hears everything as a yell.

Trust me. On anyone's yell-o-meter, that was a yell.

Ben, was that a yell? See, he didn't hear it as a yell.

His mother was a yeller. He's still hearing her.

How could I hear her? You drown her out.

No, no, no, but it's true.

For the last few years, every time Katie opened her mouth,

all I could hear was her mother.

Dot.

Now listen, it couldn't have been easy for Katie

to be raised by a woman as complicated as Dot.

Oh, please. She wasn't complicated.

She was an idiot who made everyone else's life complicated.

You wouldn't believe all the beautiful psychological heirlooms

this snapping turtle handed down.

Everything's gotta be in a neat little box with a little blue bow on it.

Punctual. Ordered.

God forbid anything unexpected should happen,

any perchances, happenstances,

left turns, serendipities...

- Nope! No way! - Not allowed!

Out of bounds! Foul ball!

Fifteen-yard penalty!

Too much time being spontaneous!

Everything's gotta be connected. Gotta connect the dots.

Maybe that's why they call her Dot.

You notice that her name wasn't Gay or Joy or Fun!

Ben, maybe you should try a little of the bread.

You can't even fuck unless everything's just right!

Like a plane waiting for takeoff.

Windows shut? Check.

Doors locked? Check. Heat on? Check!

Have we covered every possible, single reason

why everything is my fault?

Houston, we got a problem and her name is Dot!

Ben, Ben. Bread.

There are people like Katie and Dot, honey, who like to color inside the lines,

and then there are people like you,

who wander outside the lines.

That can be a very endearing quality.

That's why Katie fell in love with you.

It's just that once you have children...

- I am not a third child. - No one's saying you are.

Excuse me if my watch occasionally has no hands on it.

Ben, that's fine. It's just that

somebody has to establish the routines,

- set the limit... - What... What are you saying?

Are you saying it's all my fault?

- No, no! - No, no, no. It's nobody's fault.

No, no, no, no!

When people say, "It's nobody's fault,"

they don't mean "it's nobody's fault."

They mean, "It's your fault."

"Nobody's fault" things are hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, acts of God.

But when a marriage fails, ooh! It's gotta be somebody's fault.

And it's not mine!

- Ben... - And you take that fucking bread

and you shove it up the tops of your legs!

Maybe I'm tired.

Maybe I'm dealing with 5,000 things all day long.

Maybe every little need you have doesn't always have to be met

at the exact moment you need it to be met.

I am just sick and tired of always having to be

the designated driver of this marriage.

Nobody designated you as anything. It's a role you gave yourself!

Not for one second have you seen it through my eyes!

You know what, Katie, you know what?

We don't have a pea under our mattress.

You know what we have? A fuckin' watermelon!

You okay?

Take me to Katie's.

Ben. What are you doing here?

I wanted to know what your high was today.

Ben, you should've called.

My high was about you.

Tonight I saw myself through your eyes.

Ben.

And I'm sorry.

Yo, Katie, I was thinking it might be a nice touch

to add some roasted peanuts to the sesame...

I'm, uh...

At some point we should discuss how to tell the children.

Hey, how you doing? Come on in.

This is nice.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, it's close to the park. The kids and I can walk.

You want something to drink?

I'll take water if you don't have anything else.

No, no, I... We have, uh,

pretty much anything you want.

Uh... Beer, Gatorade, fruit juice, iced tea.

- Iced tea is fine. - Okay.

There you go.

You have a watch.

Yeah.

Come on in.

Sit down here.

Um...

I think we should, uh...

When we pick the kids up Thursday,

we should just tell 'em that night.

Uh... We don't have to tell them right away.

Why?

What's gonna change between now and Thursday?

Well...

Katie, you're seeing someone else.

I'm not seeing him.

We're just talking.

Right.

Look, I'm not gonna put up with any more of this bullshit lying to the kids.

We'll just take them to Chow Fun's. It's their favorite restaurant.

We can tell them there.

Ben, we can't really talk at Chow Fun's.

Fine. Then we'll go to the house

and we can tell them at dinner.

After dinner.

We'll all sit down and...

Oh, Jesus, how do we say this?

Well,

we'll just tell them, uh,

how much we love them,

how amazing and beautiful they are,

so they don't think for one minute that any of this is their fault.

That's the important thing.

Yeah.

We'll just say that...

Mommy and Daddy...

Or Mom and Dad.

What do you think? Mom and Dad?

Mommy and Daddy.

All right.

We'll say that Mommy and Daddy have grown apart.

I was just thinking about Erin.

She'll probably say something like,

"Well, there must be something right about you guys

"for you to produce such beautiful and amazing kids."

She might say something like that, you know.

We'll just tell her that, uh...

They were born in love and that we'll always love them,

but Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore.

Well, wouldn't it be better if we told them

we still love each other, but in a different way?

Fine.

We shouldn't say that?

I said it was fine.

Well, it was kind of a weird "fine."

Would you like me to jump up and down

about how thrilled I am that we love each other in a different way?

Yeah, who is it?

Mr. Jordan, your couch is here.

Where have you guys been? Come on in.

Jeez, they were supposed to be here first thing this morning.

I'll, uh, pick you up at 5:00 on Thursday?

So, uh, is there

anything else we need to talk about?

Like what?

Yeah, it's this one here.

Nothing.

Bye.

Jesus, what happened to you?

What happened to that fun girl, the one with the pith helmet? Where did she go?

You don't think I ask myself that every day?

I'm talking about a connection, a look,

something that says that we're on the same side here.

Isn't this the moment where one of us is supposed to say,

"This is ridiculous. We love each other.

"All couples go through this. Let's give it another try"?

It was supposed to rain today.

I'm glad it didn't.

Me, too.

Turn here. If you take Sepulveda...

What?

Nothing.

Do you, Katie, take Ben,

to have and to hold,

in sickness and in health,

for better or for worse,

until death do you part?

I do.

It's a boy.

It's a girl.

It's a bunny!

It's a home run!

It's chicken pops.

It's over.

I love you.

Damn you!

I love you.

Damn it.

I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I hate you!

Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck you!

I love you.

I'm pregnant.

My goldfish died.

My hamster died.

My father's dying.

I'm pregnant.

Maybe we should separate.

Mom! Dad!

Mom! Dad!

- You ready? - Yeah.

Yo! Hey, hey!

Hey! What's up, buddy? Good to see you. How you doing?

What's the matter, Mom?

She just missed you, that's all.

Oh, you've both just grown so big!

Yeah! Look at you guys. I hardly recognize you.

Hey, wait a minute.

Which one of you is Erin?

Check it out, Dad.

Whoa! I guess we know what your high is today.

Look at that. "Best all-around camper." Congratulations, buddy.

Look at that, Katie. I guess this calls for a celebration!

Come on, kids! Riverdance! Come on, come on.

I'm the best all-around riverdancer

Come on, Katie. Kinda like a Little Latin Lupe Lu thing. Whoa!

Hey! Now, go with the big finish now!

- Dad! Dad. - Come on... What?

- I have to see these kids next summer. - Huh?

Come on, Dad, we're hungry.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Let's go home.

I think we should go to Chow Fun's.

Chow Fun's?

I thought we both agreed that we really couldn't talk at Chow Fun's.

I know.

What are you saying?

I'm saying Chow Fun's.

Are you saying Chow Fun's because you can't face telling the kids?

Because if that's why you're saying Chow Fun's, don't say Chow Fun's.

No, that's not why I'm saying Chow Fun's.

I'm saying Chow Fun's because we are an "us."

There's a history here,

and histories don't happen overnight.

You know, in Mesopotamia or ancient Troy or somewhere back there,

there are cities built on top of other cities,

but I don't want to build another city. I like this city.

I know where we keep the Bactine

and what kind of mood you're in when you wake up

by which eyebrow is higher,

and you always know that I'm a little quiet in the morning

and compensate accordingly.

That's a dance you perfect over time.

And it's hard. It's much harder than I thought it would be.

But there's more good than bad,

and you don't just give up.

And it's not for the sake of the children.

But, oh, God, they're great kids, aren't they?

I mean, God, and we made them. I mean, think about that.

It's like, there were no people there and then there were people.

And then they grew, and...

I won't be able to say to some stranger, "Josh has your hands,"

or, "Remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial?"

Then I'll try to relax.

Let's face it.

Anybody's gonna have traits that get on your nerves.

I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits?

I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction,

so at least I can find the beach.

Which is not a criticism of yours, it's just a...

A strength of mine.

God, you're a good friend, and good friends are hard to find.

Charlotte said that in Charlotte's Web,

and I love the way you read that to Erin.

And you take on the voice of Wilbur the pig with such commitment,

even when you're bone-tired.

That speaks volumes about character.

And ultimately,

isn't that what it comes down to? What a person's made of?

Because that girl in the pith helmet is still in here.

I didn't even know she existed until I met you.

And I'm afraid if you leave,

I may never see her again.

Even though I said at times you beat her out of me.

Isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox?

Give and take, push and pull, yin and yang, the best of times, the worst of times.

I think Dickens said it best. The Jack Sprat of it.

"He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean."

But that doesn't really apply here, does it?

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I'm saying Chow Fun's because...

I love you.

I love you, too.

Did you hear that, kids?

Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's!

Isn't that great? Oh, I love Chow Fun's!

Dad, the egg rolls are good, but they're not that good.

No, no, the egg rolls are fantastic!

They're warm, crispy, greasy as all hell.

Everything you want in an egg roll.

Exactly.

Okay, High-Low. Erin, you first.

My high for the summer is that Austin Butler wrote me 111 times.

How did you come up with High-Low, anyway?

You know, I don't know. But I've got another game.

I'm thinking of seven words. What are they?

- Do I get a hint? - No.

- A category? - No.

So, they can be any seven words in the English language?

Yes. That's right.

Fair enough.

"MacArthur Park is melting in the dark."

No. No.

- No? - No.

"And they lived happily ever after."

That's six words, but you're very close.

"And they lived mostly happily ever after?"

I hope so.

I think so.

Think so?

I do.

I do...

Too.