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1
00:00:02,450 --> 00:00:05,220
[THUNDER CRASHING]
2
00:00:07,316 --> 00:00:09,446
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:15,430
[GROANING]
4
00:00:15,466 --> 00:00:17,396
Fran thinks
this is scary?
5
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,503
Some Egyptian guy
wrapped up in Charmin?
6
00:00:22,830 --> 00:00:23,660
This is so wussy.
7
00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,426
Boo!
[ALL SCREAM]
8
00:00:27,466 --> 00:00:30,426
[GIGGLING]
9
00:00:30,466 --> 00:00:34,326
Oh, I used to love
doing that to Ma.
10
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,250
[LAUGHS]
11
00:00:36,283 --> 00:00:38,473
Thank God for plastic
slip covers.
12
00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:45,100
Oh, Gracie,
honey,
13
00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:47,423
isn't this a little
too intense for you?
14
00:00:47,450 --> 00:00:49,330
No, I'm fine with this.
It's60 Minutes
15
00:00:52,266 --> 00:00:53,346
Do you know what goes on
in a chicken processing plant?
16
00:00:55,166 --> 00:00:56,316
Your pizza.
17
00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:58,130
Yum.
Yummy.
18
00:00:58,166 --> 00:01:00,126
I'm so glad we ordered
from this place.
19
00:01:00,166 --> 00:01:01,296
Not only do they
give you extra cheese,
20
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,423
but you get
a free beverage.
21
00:01:05,216 --> 00:01:06,416
[ALL GROAN]
22
00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,350
Mmm. Okay.
Dig in.
23
00:01:08,383 --> 00:01:11,333
I only want one slice.
- Me too.
24
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:12,230
Pizza is very
fattening.
25
00:01:12,266 --> 00:01:14,366
Fran,
that's two.
26
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,660
No, honey. Not when
you eat it like this.
27
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:16,470
The body doesn't know.
28
00:01:19,416 --> 00:01:21,316
This is so bogus.
29
00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:22,470
Horror films today
are much more realistic.
30
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,830
Oh, right.
31
00:01:25,116 --> 00:01:27,496
Whenever I'm in a cabin
in the woods,
32
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,280
the first thing I do
is just rip off my top
33
00:01:29,316 --> 00:01:30,266
and start dancing
the Frug.
34
00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:33,430
You know, we should
go camping.
35
00:01:35,466 --> 00:01:37,366
[DOORBELL RINGS]
36
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,450
In classic horror films,
violence is never shown.
37
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,330
I believe it was
Alfred Hitchcock who said,
38
00:01:42,366 --> 00:01:43,346
"There's nothing
more frightening
39
00:01:43,383 --> 00:01:44,453
than an unopened door."
40
00:01:46,366 --> 00:01:47,276
[HORROR MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
41
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:48,366
[CHILDREN SCREAM]
42
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,373
Niles, show our visitor
to the guest room, would you?
43
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,420
Right this way.
Thank you.
44
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,130
Good night,
Miss Fine.
45
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:05,226
"Good night, Miss Fine"?
[CHUCKLES]
46
00:02:05,266 --> 00:02:07,126
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
47
00:02:07,166 --> 00:02:09,096
Uh, "Pleasant dreams?"
48
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,133
"See you in the
morning?"
What?
49
00:02:10,166 --> 00:02:12,326
Oh, I don't know.
50
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:15,116
Uh, "How was your day?"
The weather?
51
00:02:15,150 --> 00:02:16,280
King Tut in the trench coat?
52
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:20,270
I'd rather not discuss that
if you don't mind.
53
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,250
We simply have a houseguest
54
00:02:22,283 --> 00:02:24,103
who's recovering
from some surgery.
55
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:27,103
Oh, I get it.
Some hotshot celeb.
56
00:02:27,133 --> 00:02:29,163
A little nip,
a little tuck.
57
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:31,170
Hush-hush, right?
- Ahem. Absolutely.
58
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,160
Well, smart you. The less
who know, the better.
59
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,130
We'll just keep it
between us.
60
00:02:34,166 --> 00:02:35,496
All right, dish.
61
00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:40,660
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
62
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:42,300
What does hell freezing over
have to do with--
63
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:45,233
Oh.
- Good night, Miss Fine.
64
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:48,416
I can't believe you trust
me
to take care of your
children,
65
00:02:48,450 --> 00:02:50,480
you trust me to mail
important documents--
66
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:51,420
Oh.
67
00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:58,220
--and you don't trust me with
one little itty-bitty secret?
68
00:02:58,250 --> 00:03:01,120
That about
sums it up.
69
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:02,320
So you're not gonna
tell me who she is?
70
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,500
She
71
00:03:04,830 --> 00:03:06,170
She! All right.
72
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,220
I know it's a woman.
73
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:10,350
And I know she's definitely
not a redhead.
74
00:03:10,383 --> 00:03:11,283
How do you know
she's not a redhead?
75
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,226
Aha!
76
00:03:13,266 --> 00:03:16,096
Not a redhead!
77
00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:18,103
Mr. Sheffield, you're
in way over your head.
78
00:03:18,133 --> 00:03:20,333
You might as well
just tell me.
79
00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:21,120
Look, all you've
succeeded in doing
80
00:03:21,150 --> 00:03:22,470
is strengthening
my resolve.
81
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,180
I'm not saying another word.
82
00:03:24,216 --> 00:03:24,426
Oh...
[PHONE RINGS]
83
00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:29,383
Hello.
Hold on.
84
00:03:29,416 --> 00:03:32,376
It's Larry Fortensky
on the phone.
85
00:03:32,416 --> 00:03:33,466
Oh, uh, all right.
I'll take it in the
office.
86
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,830
Okay, okay.
Ah! Liz!
87
00:03:38,150 --> 00:03:38,480
Say hello to
your mother for me.
88
00:03:42,116 --> 00:03:43,156
Hi, Ma.
89
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,453
[THEME SONG PLAYS]
90
00:03:47,483 --> 00:03:49,123
♪ She was working inA bridal shop ♪
91
00:03:49,150 --> 00:03:50,430
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
92
00:03:50,466 --> 00:03:52,096
♪ Till her boyfriendKicked her out ♪
93
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:53,323
♪ In one of thoseCrushing scenes ♪
94
00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:55,230
♪ What was she doWhere was she to go ♪
95
00:03:55,266 --> 00:03:58,216
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
96
00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:00,330
♪ So over the bridgeFrom Flushing ♪
97
00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:01,370
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
98
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,120
♪ She was there to sell makeupBut the father saw more ♪
99
00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:06,830
♪ She had style, she had flairShe was there ♪
100
00:04:06,116 --> 00:04:10,096
♪ That's how she becameThe nanny ♪
101
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:13,163
♪ Who would have guessed thatThe girl we described ♪
102
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:15,660
♪ Was just exactly whatThe doctor prescribed? ♪
103
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:16,500
♪ Now the fatherFinds her beguiling ♪
104
00:04:16,830 --> 00:04:17,300
♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
105
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:18,383
♪ And the kidsAre actually smiling ♪
106
00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:20,326
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
107
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:21,430
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
108
00:04:21,466 --> 00:04:24,496
♪ When everybody elseIs wearing tan ♪
109
00:04:26,116 --> 00:04:27,476
♪ The flashy girlFrom Flushing ♪
110
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:28,180
♪The nanny named Fran ♪
111
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:36,103
Hi, Miss Babcock.
112
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:38,833
Maxwell isn't her. And if
it's about the children,
113
00:04:38,116 --> 00:04:41,156
I'm not interested.
114
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,830
And if it's about you,
I'mreally
115
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,000
I just came in for
a little girl talk.
116
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,420
With me?
117
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,100
Yeah. We're both women.
118
00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:52,133
I don't care what Niles says.
119
00:04:55,316 --> 00:04:58,276
So tell me, who does
he got up in that
room?
120
00:04:58,316 --> 00:05:01,096
[LAUGHING]
[GIGGLING]
121
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:05,333
It's just killing you, isn't it,
that Maxwell and I
122
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:08,200
have little secrets
that you know nothing about.
123
00:05:08,233 --> 00:05:10,833
He didn't tell you either.
124
00:05:12,366 --> 00:05:14,326
No. That tightlipped
little scone head.
125
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,173
It's because
we're women.
126
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,160
It's outrageous.
127
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,300
Men think they can't
trust us.
128
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:24,303
Well, it's insulting.
[SCOFFS]
129
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:27,453
Did you check the safe?
- It's the first place I looked.
130
00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:31,203
Oh, boy, this is just like
Mission Impossible.
131
00:05:31,233 --> 00:05:34,163
Remember when the little
Japanese ballerina
132
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,200
would peel off her face,
and it would be Martin Landau?
133
00:05:38,266 --> 00:05:40,366
Ooh! Ooh!
134
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,420
I have located the black box.
- Oh.
135
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:46,270
His laptop computer.
136
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,400
I can't believe he just
leaves this lying around.
[SQUEALS]
137
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,200
Miss Babcock.
138
00:05:53,233 --> 00:05:55,133
Babs, baby.
139
00:05:55,166 --> 00:05:56,466
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
I'm busy--
140
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,500
Babby, honey.
141
00:05:59,830 --> 00:06:00,400
No, no, it's all right.
I do this all the time.
142
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,250
How do you think I know where
he is every minute of the day.
143
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,333
Now, what was his password?
144
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,420
"Busted"?
145
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:10,400
No, Maxwell would nev--
146
00:06:10,433 --> 00:06:11,283
Ooh-ho-hoo!
147
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:15,253
Oh-hoo-hoo.
Maxwell!
148
00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:17,103
Thank God you're here.
149
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:18,503
I was just looking for the--
150
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:20,423
The...
151
00:06:20,450 --> 00:06:23,150
[MUTTERS NONSENSE WORDS]
file, and...
152
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:26,383
Oh! I remember
where I left that.
153
00:06:26,416 --> 00:06:28,146
Stay out of
the guest room.
154
00:06:28,183 --> 00:06:28,433
Ha-ha-ha.
155
00:06:30,283 --> 00:06:32,433
Oh, boy, you know,
156
00:06:32,466 --> 00:06:34,296
you'd think she'd have better
things to do with her time
157
00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:36,273
than rifling through
your stuff.
158
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,320
[MAXWELL CHUCKLES]
159
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:40,400
So, what brings
you here, Miss Fine?
160
00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,180
Oh, uh--
- No problem with the children?
161
00:06:46,216 --> 00:06:49,296
Oh, no!
Kids are wonderful.
162
00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:50,483
Household running okay?
163
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,100
Oh. Like clockwork.
164
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,333
[CHUCKLES]
Anything on fire?
165
00:06:54,366 --> 00:06:55,216
No. No.
166
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,146
Then get out!
167
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,420
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
168
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:03,400
You probably think
that I'm snooping around
169
00:07:03,433 --> 00:07:05,503
like Miss Babcock.
170
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:07,170
Well...
171
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,320
Let me just tell you
something.
172
00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:11,480
It's pretty sad,
a man in your position
173
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,370
doesn't even know
who he can trust.
174
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,130
[CLICKS TONGUE]
175
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:28,660
Well, it can't be Loni
because she's in court.
176
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:33,203
It can't be Melanie Griffith
'cause she's in court.
177
00:07:35,233 --> 00:07:37,433
Christie Brinkley, court.
178
00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:40,226
Court, court, rehab.
179
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,450
"Baby born with antler."
180
00:07:48,830 --> 00:07:49,420
Wow, that sounds like
the episiotomy from hell.
181
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:54,656
Hi, everybody.
182
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,000
Brighton Sheffield,
what have you got there?
183
00:07:56,330 --> 00:07:58,500
Oh, no,
not another pet.
184
00:07:58,830 --> 00:08:00,200
What? I'm good
with animals.
185
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:01,423
Well, let's see.
There were the goldfish,
186
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:04,150
the hamsters,
the white mice, the turtle.
187
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:08,103
Our back yard is practically
a pet Boot Hill.
188
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:10,503
Meanwhile, the roses
were gorgeous this year.
189
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:14,203
Oh, look, Brighton's
got a bird.
190
00:08:14,233 --> 00:08:15,133
Polly want
an afterlife?
191
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:19,470
Hey, my friend Justin
has to get rid of it.
192
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,320
It's supposed to talk,
193
00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:23,160
but all it says is
"Raymond loves Lola."
194
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:24,220
Does it deserve
to die for that?
195
00:08:26,483 --> 00:08:28,253
Niles, Raymond is
Justin's dad.
196
00:08:28,283 --> 00:08:29,383
Lola is
the upstairs maid.
197
00:08:29,416 --> 00:08:31,246
Ah.
Uh-huh.
198
00:08:31,283 --> 00:08:34,233
Oh...well,
199
00:08:34,266 --> 00:08:37,326
I bet they were bouncing more
than quarters on those sheets.
200
00:08:37,660 --> 00:08:38,280
[CHUCKLES]
201
00:08:38,316 --> 00:08:41,426
Now, where was I?
202
00:08:41,466 --> 00:08:44,376
Oh, look, Roseanne
threw a party
203
00:08:44,416 --> 00:08:46,096
to burn her "Tom"
tattoo
off her butt.
204
00:08:48,216 --> 00:08:51,116
What does one serve
at a thing like that?
205
00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:53,500
I don't know. But at
my cousin Steven's bris,
206
00:08:53,830 --> 00:08:57,350
they served tri-tip.
207
00:08:57,350 --> 00:08:59,200
Niles, that's what
you're serving
208
00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:01,103
to a celebrity
for lunch?
209
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:02,483
Give her
a sandwich.
210
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,450
Thisis
211
00:09:05,483 --> 00:09:07,423
She has to eat everything
through a straw.
212
00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:10,350
It's vile.
ThinkSilence of the Lambs.
213
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,403
[IMITATES HANNIBAL LECTER]
214
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,330
You know what?
Let me bring it up to her.
215
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,330
I'm used to that sound.
216
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,150
You've obviously
never seen my father
217
00:09:20,183 --> 00:09:21,123
working a chicken neck.
218
00:09:23,116 --> 00:09:25,446
Nice try, Miss Fine.
219
00:09:25,483 --> 00:09:28,423
Well, you know, Niles,
I mean, it's one thing
220
00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:31,130
for Mr. Sheffield to keep
a secret fromme,
221
00:09:31,166 --> 00:09:34,246
but to giveyou
such a slap in the face.
222
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:38,503
If I were you, I would walk
myself right into his office
223
00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:40,830
and demand that he tell you
who's up there,
224
00:09:40,116 --> 00:09:40,996
really loud.
225
00:09:43,266 --> 00:09:45,446
Miss Fine, unlike you,
I don't care who it is.
226
00:09:45,483 --> 00:09:48,423
[GASPS]
You know!
227
00:09:50,266 --> 00:09:51,826
You betcha, baby.
228
00:09:53,166 --> 00:09:55,376
Why would he tell you
and not me?
229
00:09:55,416 --> 00:09:57,366
Because Niles wasn't caught
leading a conga line
230
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,250
with my filing cabinet.
231
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:03,116
You know, I knew
you misread that.
232
00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:04,230
That was static cling.
233
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,330
What is it
with women, Niles?
234
00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:10,370
They always want to know
what isn't their business,
235
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,500
so they can share it
with other women
236
00:10:12,830 --> 00:10:14,500
whose business
it also isn't.
237
00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:16,220
Oh, if that isn't
the most sexist thing
238
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,380
I have ever heard.
239
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:20,326
Like men don't gab.
240
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,230
Miss Fine, men aren't
interested in gossip.
241
00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:24,376
Absolutely not,
I tuned out when
242
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:26,316
the Turnbulls' butler told me
243
00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:28,660
about the little chippy
the master has on the side.
244
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,250
Niles, that's old news.
245
00:10:30,283 --> 00:10:31,233
It was all over the steam room
months ago.
246
00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:34,450
Including the fact that
he's put her up
247
00:10:34,483 --> 00:10:37,833
in an apartment
in Trump Tower.
248
00:10:37,116 --> 00:10:39,656
Mm, but do they also know
he had the entire thing
249
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,830
done in leather?
250
00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:40,416
No!
251
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:44,230
Which one of your girls
is getting the bikini wax?
252
00:10:53,466 --> 00:10:54,396
I'm sorry.
253
00:10:58,133 --> 00:10:59,423
I'm sorry.
Did you call me?
254
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,830
[SNORING]
255
00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:05,346
Oh, good,
you're sleeping.
256
00:11:05,383 --> 00:11:08,253
Shh-shh-shh-shh
shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
257
00:11:08,283 --> 00:11:13,163
[SOFTLY]
♪ Lullaby,And good night ♪
258
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:17,320
♪ You're too shortTo be Candice Bergen ♪
259
00:11:17,350 --> 00:11:22,270
[HUMMING "LULLABY"]
260
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,200
♪ Rule outDolly Parton too ♪
261
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,170
Shh-shh-shh.
262
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,370
You know, you're
very brave.
263
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,470
Surgery's not for me.
264
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,270
I'll stick
with my thigh cream.
265
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,350
It tingles
cellulite away.
266
00:11:40,383 --> 00:11:42,403
I don't know if it works,
but I don't hate it.
267
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,150
Fran.
[YELPS]
268
00:11:48,183 --> 00:11:49,373
You scared me.
269
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,480
Did you find out
who it is yet?
270
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,430
Honey, what did I tell you
about snooping?
271
00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:55,146
That there should
always be a lookout.
272
00:11:55,183 --> 00:11:56,173
Good. Go wait
in the hall.
273
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,330
Right.
274
00:12:04,233 --> 00:12:05,153
[SOFTLY]
Okay, now let's take
a look at your eyes.
275
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,123
Hmm-hmm.
276
00:12:07,150 --> 00:12:08,120
Brown.
277
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,130
Let's just see your mouth
a little bit.
278
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:18,166
[SLURPING]
279
00:12:21,183 --> 00:12:22,383
Not a straw.
280
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,660
Oh, honey, what were you worried
about your looks for?
281
00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:35,000
[GIGGLING SOFTLY]
Stop it. That tickles.
282
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:36,280
Miss Fine!
283
00:12:41,266 --> 00:12:43,826
Oh, yeah.
Temperature's normal.
284
00:12:43,116 --> 00:12:44,476
Drink plenty of fluids.
285
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:46,430
Just what do you think
you're doing here?
286
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,346
Um, um...
287
00:12:48,383 --> 00:12:50,003
"Daddy's coming"?
288
00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:50,333
Right.
289
00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:55,153
What do you have to say
for yourself?
290
00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:58,223
Well, I hope you don't think
this ismy
291
00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:00,480
Oh, of course not.
Of course not.
It's my fault.
292
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,400
Well, I forgive you. Now
let's get on with our lives.
293
00:13:03,433 --> 00:13:06,223
You may not have one
much longer.
294
00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:07,380
Well, none of this
would've happened
295
00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:09,246
if you had just told me
who she was!
296
00:13:09,283 --> 00:13:10,383
Cher.
297
00:13:14,383 --> 00:13:17,153
Well, sharing is
what it is all about.
298
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:21,103
Cher.
299
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,833
I know.
Don't tell me!
300
00:13:23,116 --> 00:13:26,326
Talk to him.
I give and give.
301
00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:28,100
You know, she's really
very good with children.
302
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,303
But do you think
that earns his trust?
303
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,223
No, he still won't
tell me who you are.
304
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,470
Cher!
305
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:40,196
I heard you!
306
00:13:43,216 --> 00:13:44,226
Are you sure it wasn't
a head injury?
307
00:13:47,166 --> 00:13:50,126
Grammy, Emmy,
308
00:13:50,166 --> 00:13:51,196
Oscar.
309
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:52,303
[GASPS]
310
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,473
Rita Moreno?!
311
00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:00,383
"Maggie stuffs her bra."
312
00:14:06,416 --> 00:14:07,416
"Maggie stuffs her bra."
313
00:14:09,366 --> 00:14:11,296
Come on, say it.
314
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,223
Master Brighton, stop
torturing that bird.
315
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:15,230
It's very cruel.
316
00:14:15,266 --> 00:14:16,366
Yeah, I think he's
having a better day
317
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,300
than that Cornish hen
you've got your fist in.
318
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:27,450
All right.
Let's pick up
where we left off.
319
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,330
"Miss Babcock's embezzling."
320
00:14:31,183 --> 00:14:32,303
"Miss Babcock's embezzling."
321
00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:37,303
Oh, I can't believe Cher
sucked on my finger.
322
00:14:39,366 --> 00:14:41,226
Just listen carefully,
Miss Fine.
323
00:14:41,266 --> 00:14:44,096
Cher trusts me
to keep this thing quiet.
324
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,273
Oh, you know
who would just die
325
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,330
if they found out
Cher was here?
326
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:50,266
You will, Miss Fine.
327
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,270
You
if anyone finds out.
328
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:55,430
My cousin Ira
is her biggest fan.
329
00:14:55,466 --> 00:14:58,826
He does an impersonation
of her
330
00:14:58,116 --> 00:15:01,276
in a drop-dead gorgeous
Bob Mackie gown.
331
00:15:01,316 --> 00:15:03,266
I'll tell you,
why she's a star
332
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:06,230
when he's a kosher butcher...
333
00:15:06,266 --> 00:15:08,446
Well, I guess it's
all who you know.
334
00:15:08,483 --> 00:15:11,223
Cousin Ira?
335
00:15:11,250 --> 00:15:13,660
Hey, he's the best
female impersonator
336
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:14,200
to come out of Queens.
337
00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,183
No pun intended.
338
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:19,156
Look, Miss Fine,
please,
just promise me
339
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,380
you won't say a word
about this to anyone.
340
00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:24,656
Would you calm down?
I can keep a secret.
341
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,480
Who am I gonna tell?
342
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,200
Hi, Fran.
343
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:29,003
I can't tell.
344
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,220
Tell me what?
345
00:15:32,250 --> 00:15:34,370
Who the celebrity is
recovering from surgery
346
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,400
up in the guest bedroom.
347
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,173
So stop hounding me!
348
00:15:38,383 --> 00:15:40,433
All right. So can
I have a soda too?
349
00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:42,176
Well, there's
only one left.
350
00:15:42,216 --> 00:15:42,996
We'll have to share.
351
00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:47,476
What's wrong with you?
352
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,200
Nothing, nothing.
353
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:49,403
Can we please
change the subject?
354
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:54,466
[SIGHS]
So tell me...
355
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,000
have your parents gotten
that time-share yet?
356
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,200
No. They decided
they didn't like Florida.
357
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:04,333
Why? The weather's
so nice and sunny.
358
00:16:07,350 --> 00:16:09,220
It was a bad neighborhood.
359
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:11,380
Full of gypsies,
tramps and thieves?
360
00:16:11,416 --> 00:16:12,266
[GASPS]
361
00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:15,473
Oh, my God.
It's Cher.
362
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:19,480
Who told you?
363
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:25,000
[CHATTERING,
GENERAL HUBBUB]
364
00:16:25,330 --> 00:16:27,370
Oh, wow. The house
is surrounded by reporters.
365
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,400
Well, I wouldn't say
"surrounded".
366
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:32,353
I mean, they're just
on three sides
367
00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:33,223
and the second-floor
balcony.
368
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,170
I can't believe Dad didn't
tell us Cher was staying here.
369
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,220
How did the press
find out?
370
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,200
Oh, who knows?
371
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:42,373
Probably somebody blabbed to
some friend...
372
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,150
who is about to die.
373
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:49,223
No. Back!
374
00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:52,500
Back, you journalistic
spawn of Satan!
375
00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:56,230
Thank you very much
and have a nice day.
376
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:02,246
[SIGHS]
One must be firm
but never rude.
377
00:17:02,283 --> 00:17:04,833
Niles, I think you left
Miss Babcock out there.
378
00:17:04,116 --> 00:17:05,176
Oh, did I?
379
00:17:05,216 --> 00:17:07,326
C.C.:
Niles!
380
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,450
Oh, there she is.
381
00:17:08,483 --> 00:17:10,273
[GENERAL HUBBUB]
382
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,170
Back!
383
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:16,480
MAXWELL:
Miss Fine!
384
00:17:18,366 --> 00:17:21,826
Are you speaking to me?
385
00:17:21,116 --> 00:17:23,346
[IMITATING DESI ARNAZ]
Miss Fine, you've got
some 'splaining to do!
386
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,160
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm sure you think
387
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:30,420
I have something
to do with that.
388
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,330
But they could have found out
in a million different ways.
389
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:34,200
Such as?
390
00:17:34,233 --> 00:17:36,253
Um, um...
391
00:17:36,283 --> 00:17:38,163
Hey, guys, the bird's
finally talking.
392
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,320
Not now,
Brighton.
393
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,200
Well, don't ignore
the children.
394
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:42,333
You know, it's
always business with you.
395
00:17:44,216 --> 00:17:45,446
You gonna talk for us?
396
00:17:45,483 --> 00:17:48,663
Speak, pretty bird,
pretty bird.
397
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,430
BIRD:
Val, it's Cher.
398
00:17:49,466 --> 00:17:51,176
Could youplotz?
[SQUAWKS]
399
00:17:54,316 --> 00:17:57,116
Val, I can't believe
you blabbed.
400
00:17:57,150 --> 00:17:59,450
I only told one person.
- Who?
401
00:17:59,483 --> 00:18:00,453
My priest,
Father Beretta.
402
00:18:02,116 --> 00:18:03,826
That yenta?
403
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,200
Was he wearing
his collar?
404
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:08,223
Ah, no.
405
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:10,100
Val, how many times
do I have to tell you,
406
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,503
when they don't
wear the collar,
407
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:13,660
it's like their fingers
are crossed behind their back.
408
00:18:16,466 --> 00:18:18,376
[SIGHS]
This is just like
409
00:18:18,416 --> 00:18:21,296
being called into
the principal's office.
410
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,123
All right, all right.
Here's what we're gonna do.
411
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:24,320
It'll be just like
in high school.
412
00:18:24,350 --> 00:18:27,120
I'll make up the story.
You stick to it.
413
00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:28,180
I was supposed to
stick to it?
414
00:18:31,183 --> 00:18:33,123
[WHINING]
I'm gonna get
suspended.
415
00:18:42,283 --> 00:18:43,833
Sit.
416
00:18:45,383 --> 00:18:49,373
I am most disappointed
in you two ladies.
417
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,000
That's it, Val. We're not
gonna get in to college.
418
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:55,170
[BOTH LAUGH]
419
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,330
So you find this amusing,
Miss Fine?
420
00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:58,280
No, Mr. Sheffield.
421
00:18:58,316 --> 00:19:00,826
I expected more
from you two.
422
00:19:00,116 --> 00:19:03,096
[SOBBING]
Oh.
423
00:19:03,133 --> 00:19:06,403
Tears won't work in this
office,
Miss Toriello.
424
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,323
He's gonna call
my mother!
425
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,403
Mr. Sheffield,
please, let her go.
426
00:19:12,433 --> 00:19:14,173
It was all my fault.
I'll take the rap.
427
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,160
Again.
428
00:19:16,450 --> 00:19:18,830
Thanks, Fran.
429
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:19,226
I gotta go
to confession.
430
00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:20,326
No names!
431
00:19:22,116 --> 00:19:24,096
[MAXWELL SIGHS]
432
00:19:24,133 --> 00:19:25,273
I just don't know
what to say.
433
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,830
Thanks to you,
434
00:19:27,116 --> 00:19:29,196
Cher is a virtual prisoner
in this house.
435
00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:30,433
Mr. Sheffield...
436
00:19:30,466 --> 00:19:33,416
if I told you
437
00:19:33,450 --> 00:19:37,160
that I had a way
to solve everything...
438
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:38,330
would you forgive me?
439
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:40,420
Yes.
440
00:19:40,416 --> 00:19:41,396
[WHINING]
Got any ideas?
441
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:53,273
All right, ladies and gentlemen
of the press,
442
00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:56,330
Cher has agreed to
this photo opportunity,
443
00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:58,276
in the hopes that you
might finally agree
444
00:19:58,316 --> 00:20:00,126
to leave her alone.
445
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,396
All right?
Thank you very much.
446
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,253
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
447
00:20:03,283 --> 00:20:04,353
Excuse me.
448
00:20:04,383 --> 00:20:05,473
This had better work.
449
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,330
Would you relax?
450
00:20:07,366 --> 00:20:10,326
My cousin Ira will do
a few bits from his act.
451
00:20:12,350 --> 00:20:14,120
Before the press
get wise,
452
00:20:14,150 --> 00:20:16,120
Cher'll be out
the kitchen door
453
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:18,330
and back to pushing
detangler on QVC.
454
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:22,480
Mm.
455
00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:24,283
Oh, honey,
is Cousin Ira ready?
456
00:20:24,316 --> 00:20:26,226
He's dressed like a lady.
457
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:27,416
I know.
458
00:20:28,366 --> 00:20:30,126
And I'll explain
everything later.
459
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,096
Thank you.
460
00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:35,270
What?
461
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,430
Oh, I-I was
just thinking.
462
00:20:36,466 --> 00:20:39,156
Before you came into
my life,
463
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,400
I never had the need for
an emergency transvestite.
464
00:20:45,266 --> 00:20:47,826
I'm telling you,
465
00:20:47,116 --> 00:20:50,826
Cousin Ira is gonna be
the perfect distraction.
466
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,316
It can't fail.
467
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,170
Besides, there's no time
to think of anything else.
468
00:20:57,116 --> 00:21:02,416
[CHER'S "BANG BANG"
PLAYS ON STEREO]
469
00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:04,370
[MOUTHING LYRICS]
♪ I was 5 and you were 6 ♪
470
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:08,230
♪ We rode on horsesMade of sticks ♪
471
00:21:08,266 --> 00:21:11,226
♪ I wore blackAnd you wore white ♪
472
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:13,266
♪ You'd alwayswin the fight ♪
473
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,150
♪ Bang bang,you shot me down ♪
474
00:21:16,183 --> 00:21:19,833
♪ Bang bang,I hit the ground ♪
475
00:21:19,116 --> 00:21:22,396
♪ Bang bang, that awful soundBang bang... ♪
476
00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,273
Where was the last place
he passed for Cher?
477
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:25,120
Sea World?
478
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:31,300
Oh, well, Ch-Cher
just had surgery.
479
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,433
We'll tell them
she's still on cortisone.
480
00:21:36,266 --> 00:21:39,296
Well, the press certainly
loved Cousin Ira.
481
00:21:41,350 --> 00:21:45,350
You know, my Aunt Renie makes
all of his costumes.
482
00:21:45,383 --> 00:21:47,203
That thong
he was wearing
483
00:21:47,233 --> 00:21:48,663
used to be
their hammock.
484
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,400
Yes, he was riveting.
485
00:21:52,433 --> 00:21:55,473
Especially the part
where his leotard failed.
486
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,330
I know. I mean,
I've heard of runs,
487
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:01,480
but never a blowout.
488
00:22:01,483 --> 00:22:04,423
Well, at least Cher
got out safe and sound.
489
00:22:04,450 --> 00:22:07,170
Yeah. Although I'm afraid
Cousin Ira's having
490
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,100
one helluva time
hailing a cab.
491
00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:12,353
Ah, all's well
that ends well, eh?
Yeah.
492
00:22:12,383 --> 00:22:15,663
I just hope you finally
learned your lesson
493
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:16,420
about the consequences
of idle female gossip.
494
00:22:18,433 --> 00:22:20,403
Excuse me, sir.
Mr. Turnbull to see you.
495
00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:22,283
Raymond, what on earth
are you doing here?
496
00:22:22,316 --> 00:22:25,656
My son wants
his bird back.
497
00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:26,320
Oh, and by the way,
I hope the press wasn't
498
00:22:26,350 --> 00:22:28,420
too much of an inconvenience.
- Press?
499
00:22:28,450 --> 00:22:30,230
Yes, I'm the one
that tipped them off.
500
00:22:33,266 --> 00:22:36,156
You knew Cher was staying
in the house?
501
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,330
Yeah. Max told me
in the steam room.
502
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,430
You promised
not to tell.
503
00:22:41,466 --> 00:22:43,176
And you promised not
to tell about
504
00:22:43,216 --> 00:22:44,296
my girlfriend
in Trump Tower.
505
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:48,656
I guess that
makes us square.
506
00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:54,123
Well, um...
507
00:22:55,366 --> 00:22:56,466
Good night,
Miss Fine.
508
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:04,430
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
509
00:23:12,316 --> 00:23:14,296
[TIRES SCREECHING]
34034
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