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1
00:00:02,233 --> 00:00:05,233
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
2
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:07,496
Yay!
3
00:00:07,830 --> 00:00:08,250
Thank you.
4
00:00:08,283 --> 00:00:10,203
♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪
5
00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:11,303
♪♪ How old--? ♪♪
6
00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:14,503
Ma, watch it.
I still got a wish coming.
7
00:00:16,830 --> 00:00:17,330
Yay!
8
00:00:17,366 --> 00:00:19,296
Darling, it's not
how old you are.
9
00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,473
It's how you look.
10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,230
And you look
gorgeous.
11
00:00:22,266 --> 00:00:23,416
Am I right, Max?
12
00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:25,500
Absolutely, Syl.
13
00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:27,330
When I was your age,
I was a cow.
14
00:00:28,483 --> 00:00:31,203
That was right after I had her.
15
00:00:31,233 --> 00:00:32,333
Ma, please.
16
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,996
You were stuffing yourself
with pastrami
17
00:00:34,330 --> 00:00:35,270
up until the birth.
18
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:37,400
I'm surprised I wasn't born
with a pickle in my mouth.
19
00:00:38,416 --> 00:00:42,126
Here you are.
As promised, two front-row
seats toLes Miserables.
20
00:00:42,166 --> 00:00:43,226
Happy birthday.
21
00:00:43,266 --> 00:00:46,176
Ah, I'm 30,
and I'm dating my mother,
22
00:00:46,216 --> 00:00:48,326
and they think
they'remiserables.
23
00:00:48,366 --> 00:00:52,146
Miss Fine, some things
just get better with age,
24
00:00:52,183 --> 00:00:53,433
like a fine Bordeaux.
25
00:00:53,466 --> 00:00:56,146
Or a nice slab
of blue cheese,
26
00:00:56,183 --> 00:00:58,123
getting good and moldy.
27
00:00:58,150 --> 00:00:59,300
Why don't you just stick me
28
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,483
in the Menorah Village
retirement hotel?
29
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,280
Grandma Yetta
loves it
there.
30
00:01:04,316 --> 00:01:07,196
Grandma Yetta thinks
she's in Paris.
31
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:08,373
Oh, my God,
oh, my God,
32
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,120
oh, my God.
33
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,120
Maggie
has found religion.
34
00:01:12,150 --> 00:01:13,230
What's the matter,
sweetheart?
35
00:01:13,266 --> 00:01:14,376
Cindy told Whitney
36
00:01:14,416 --> 00:01:16,226
that she heard through Mark
that Phillip--
37
00:01:16,266 --> 00:01:17,276
Oh, honey.
38
00:01:17,316 --> 00:01:19,116
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
39
00:01:19,150 --> 00:01:21,160
Hang in, hang in.
What is it? What is
it?
40
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:23,330
That Phillip Drake
is gonna ask me out!
41
00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:24,170
BOTH: Oh, my God!
42
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,660
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
43
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,300
Oh, Mags,
I'm so happy for
you.
44
00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:31,103
Just on the night
that my life is
ending,
45
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,423
hers is just beginning.
46
00:01:32,450 --> 00:01:35,100
Darling,
I have a surprise for you.
47
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,183
Oh, Ma, please.
48
00:01:36,216 --> 00:01:38,366
You already gave me
the Chanel cologne.
49
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,470
Parfum.
50
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,380
And I love it,
but you're spoiling me.
51
00:01:43,416 --> 00:01:45,126
My pleasure. Here.
52
00:01:45,166 --> 00:01:48,096
This isn't another membership
for Great Expectations?
53
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,103
Nah. I've given
up
on that.
54
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:51,273
Think real estate.
55
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:52,420
Condo?
56
00:01:52,450 --> 00:01:53,470
Smaller.
57
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,830
Time share?
58
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,266
Smaller.
59
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,400
A cemetery plot?
60
00:02:01,450 --> 00:02:04,120
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
61
00:02:04,150 --> 00:02:05,320
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
62
00:02:05,350 --> 00:02:07,330
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
63
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:08,330
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
64
00:02:08,366 --> 00:02:11,656
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
65
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,500
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
66
00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:14,380
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
67
00:02:14,416 --> 00:02:16,496
♪♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪♪
68
00:02:16,830 --> 00:02:17,280
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
69
00:02:17,316 --> 00:02:18,446
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
70
00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:20,283
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair ♪♪
71
00:02:20,316 --> 00:02:21,996
♪♪ She was there ♪♪
72
00:02:22,330 --> 00:02:24,350
♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪
73
00:02:24,383 --> 00:02:27,503
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
74
00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:29,150
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
75
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,003
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
76
00:02:31,330 --> 00:02:32,250
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
77
00:02:32,283 --> 00:02:33,423
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
78
00:02:33,450 --> 00:02:35,160
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
79
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:36,320
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
80
00:02:36,350 --> 00:02:39,470
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
81
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,320
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
82
00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:44,120
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
83
00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:54,230
Ma, I can't believe
84
00:02:54,266 --> 00:02:57,116
you would buy me
a cemetery plot.
85
00:02:57,150 --> 00:03:00,000
I don't even have
a good winter coat.
86
00:03:00,330 --> 00:03:02,200
Actually,
I bought four
plots--
87
00:03:02,233 --> 00:03:04,233
two for me
and your
father
88
00:03:04,266 --> 00:03:05,416
and two for you and--
89
00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:07,200
The lucky guy?
90
00:03:07,233 --> 00:03:09,173
It's gonna happen,
knock wood.
91
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:11,170
[GASP]
92
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:12,350
Just kidding.
93
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,130
Ma.
94
00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:18,376
Oh, what a lovely
model.
95
00:03:18,416 --> 00:03:21,166
But why do they have
a satin lining?
96
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,470
Satin doesn't breathe.
97
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,160
And neither will you.
98
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:26,480
Meanwhile,
a person could drop
dead
99
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,370
just waiting to get service
around this joint.
100
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,000
You want some blush?
101
00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:34,160
What, I'm gonna get
all dolled up
102
00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:35,320
for some creepy
funeral director?
103
00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:36,420
You never know.
104
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,430
He could turn out
to be gorgeous.
105
00:03:38,466 --> 00:03:40,496
Yeah, right.
106
00:03:40,830 --> 00:03:41,450
I'm sure he had
a common career choice--
107
00:03:41,483 --> 00:03:45,833
male model or mortician.
108
00:03:45,116 --> 00:03:46,296
Hi.
109
00:03:49,216 --> 00:03:50,416
Hi.
110
00:03:50,450 --> 00:03:52,660
I'm Steve Mintz.
111
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,320
Sorry to keep you
waiting.
112
00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:54,450
That's okay.
113
00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:57,103
In your business,
what's the rush?
114
00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:59,833
Hi, Stevie.
Hey, Syl.
115
00:03:59,116 --> 00:04:00,446
How you been?
Good.
116
00:04:00,483 --> 00:04:02,473
This is my daughter,
Fran.
117
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,470
Hi. "Stevie"?
You guys know each other?
118
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,100
Oh, we met
at a funeral.
119
00:04:08,116 --> 00:04:09,226
At least no one could say
120
00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:11,366
Marcia Silverberg
died for nothing.
121
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,370
So you set me up?
122
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,370
These plots
were a plot?
123
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,370
Ma, I'm gonna kill you.
124
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,430
Well, at least
they won't have far to move me.
125
00:04:20,466 --> 00:04:23,216
Steve, you know those four plots
my mother bought?
126
00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:25,830
Oh, sure.
The two-for-one
sale.
127
00:04:25,116 --> 00:04:26,246
A sale?
128
00:04:26,283 --> 00:04:29,453
Not only are you giving me away,
but on markdown?
129
00:04:29,483 --> 00:04:32,103
Only the best for you, darling.
130
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:35,153
Twenty-five
is a very important birthday.
131
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,120
Anyway, I'd like
to return them.
132
00:04:40,150 --> 00:04:41,180
Really?
133
00:04:41,216 --> 00:04:43,096
You haven't even
tried them out yet.
134
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:45,323
Look, I'm sure
it's a lovely plot,
135
00:04:45,350 --> 00:04:48,660
and I'd look gorgeous in it.
136
00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,430
Your husband
made some other arrangements?
137
00:04:49,466 --> 00:04:51,446
She doesn't have
a husband.
138
00:04:53,350 --> 00:04:55,370
I'm sorry.
Did he pass on?
139
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,470
First, he should only pass by.
140
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:02,146
You know, you two
have so much in common.
141
00:05:02,183 --> 00:05:05,153
Fran is a licensed
cosmetologist,
142
00:05:05,183 --> 00:05:07,283
and Stevie does makeup too.
143
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,280
Ma, you're killing me here.
144
00:05:10,316 --> 00:05:12,326
Don't be embarrassed.
145
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:13,280
My mother's even worse.
146
00:05:13,316 --> 00:05:14,426
No. Mine is.
147
00:05:14,466 --> 00:05:17,496
No, really. Mine.
148
00:05:17,830 --> 00:05:18,320
This is a picture of Fran
149
00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:22,830
in the third-grade production
ofFiddler on the Roof.
150
00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:24,166
Isn't she adorable?
151
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,280
♪♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker
Make me a match ♪♪
152
00:05:28,316 --> 00:05:31,176
♪♪ Get outta here ♪♪
153
00:05:31,216 --> 00:05:33,166
You win.
154
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,220
Look, Fran,
I'd be more than happy
155
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,200
to give you your money back,
but, uh,
156
00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:41,453
let me see what I can
do for you here, huh?
157
00:05:41,483 --> 00:05:44,123
All right.
Dazzle me.
158
00:05:44,150 --> 00:05:45,200
Okay.
159
00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:47,383
I will upgrade you
to a mausoleum
160
00:05:47,416 --> 00:05:50,156
with a beautiful sunset view.
161
00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,270
Oh, no way.
162
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,160
Then I'd get all the fumes
from the Cross-Bronx Expressway,
163
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:55,230
not to mention the noise.
164
00:05:55,266 --> 00:05:57,996
Well, we've never
had any complaints.
165
00:05:58,330 --> 00:05:59,220
Look, Steve, you know,
166
00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:02,270
you do make dying
so very attractive,
167
00:06:03,350 --> 00:06:05,470
but, uh,
I just don't like to plan
168
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,350
quite so far in advance.
169
00:06:07,383 --> 00:06:10,333
Well, then,
uh, how about tonight?
170
00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:12,420
What, and skip old age?
171
00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:16,100
Actually, I was, uh...
thinking about dinner.
172
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:19,163
Oh. Oh, well,
that's very flattering.
173
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,220
I just don't know
if I'm available.
174
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,370
♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪
175
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,450
You got something in her size?
176
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,170
Oh, thank you, Fran,
177
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,120
for letting me
borrow your clothes.
178
00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:41,000
Oh, that's what women do.
179
00:06:41,330 --> 00:06:44,170
There's one Chanel suit.
It travels the globe.
180
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,380
Man, I can't believe
I'm going out with Phillip.
181
00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:48,426
I can't believe
182
00:06:48,466 --> 00:06:50,996
I'm going
out
with Steve.
183
00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:53,400
Phillip is so cool
and deep.
184
00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:57,123
Steve keeps people
cool and deep.
185
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,280
Doesn't it give you
the creeps,
186
00:06:59,316 --> 00:07:01,826
going out
with an undertaker?
187
00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:05,326
Well, maybe when I was
29,
but now that I'm 30,
188
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,296
I'm a little more, uh...
189
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:08,383
Desperate?
190
00:07:09,433 --> 00:07:12,133
You want to borrow
those clothes, or
what?
191
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,300
I hope
I'm sophisticated
enough
192
00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:16,473
for this coffeehouse.
193
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,470
I mean, I don't even
know the difference
194
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,100
between French roast,
195
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,323
mocha java,
or Colombian.
196
00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:23,160
Oh, nobody does,
197
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:24,480
unless you're Juan Valdez.
198
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,230
Do yourself a favor--
199
00:07:28,266 --> 00:07:30,376
just order water,
but nothing with bubbles.
200
00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:32,466
It's hard to sound profound
when you belch.
201
00:07:34,116 --> 00:07:35,416
Fran, you can't go out.
202
00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:37,300
Who's going to read to me?
203
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,333
Oh, honey,
would I leave
you
204
00:07:39,366 --> 00:07:40,466
hanging at chapter 37?
205
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,480
Look.
I made you a
tape.
206
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,500
Scruples--
207
00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:46,500
A dramatic
reading
by Fran Fine.
208
00:07:46,830 --> 00:07:47,450
Scruples,
209
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,480
What, we can't both
enjoy the story?
210
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,470
I edit out the racy parts.
211
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,000
Fran, I need some help
with my history paper.
212
00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:56,150
Oh, what kind of help?
213
00:07:56,183 --> 00:07:57,373
Oh, you know,
picking out a
topic,
214
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,130
doing the
research,
writing it up,
215
00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:00,396
and, oh,
yeah,
do you type?
216
00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:02,233
Oh, what's that?
What?
217
00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:04,426
I thought
I saw a pig fly by.
218
00:08:04,466 --> 00:08:06,126
[DOORBELL RINGS]
219
00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:08,296
Oh, there's my date.
Now, don't embarrass me, please.
220
00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:10,333
You all know
how difficult this is.
221
00:08:10,366 --> 00:08:12,226
I don't want any corny jokes
222
00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:14,176
about Steve
being a funeral director.
223
00:08:14,216 --> 00:08:15,276
We'll try,
224
00:08:15,316 --> 00:08:17,266
but it's quite
an undertaking.
225
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,270
We may be getting
in
over our heads.
226
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:25,346
Hi, Steve.
Hi.
227
00:08:25,383 --> 00:08:27,483
Family, house.
Got to go. Bye.
228
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,220
Miss Fine, Miss Fine,
where are your manners?
229
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:33,220
Come on in. Let me
fix you a cup of
coffin--
230
00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:34,280
Coffee.
Cup of
coffee.
231
00:08:34,316 --> 00:08:36,826
Accident. I swear.
232
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:38,426
You know,
I could chaperon for you.
233
00:08:38,466 --> 00:08:40,346
Over my dead body. Oh!
234
00:08:40,383 --> 00:08:44,163
Thank you, thank you.
No hands, no hands.
235
00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:55,330
"Trembling with desire,she looked deep in his eyes,
236
00:08:55,366 --> 00:08:58,296
slipped offher negligee, and--"
237
00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:00,503
[GASPS]
238
00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:01,280
"Folded it neatly,brushed her teeth,
239
00:09:01,316 --> 00:09:03,126
and got a good night's sleep."
240
00:09:04,483 --> 00:09:07,273
Gracie, sweetheart,
it's almost 10:00.
241
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:08,470
Why aren't you in bed?
242
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,270
Fran's so good,
I can't put her down.
243
00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:13,483
I finished
my homework, Dad.
244
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,120
All right. Let's have a listen.
245
00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:17,480
"The civil war.
246
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,170
The causes of the civil war
become clear
247
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,230
when we view the United States
as a big dysfunctional family."
248
00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,446
Oh, Grace, I've told you
249
00:09:24,483 --> 00:09:27,133
not to do
your brother's homework.
250
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,326
Five bucks is five bucks.
251
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,100
Brighton, you can't
just go through life
252
00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:35,223
paying people
to do everything for you.
253
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:38,430
Dad, I've got two words
for you-- Niles, Fran.
254
00:09:38,466 --> 00:09:42,366
I've got two words for you--
Military school.
255
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,396
Hey, what did I do?
256
00:09:45,433 --> 00:09:47,183
This is all
your fault
257
00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,396
for letting
Fran
start dating.
258
00:09:48,433 --> 00:09:51,333
You think I should
keep her chained up in her room?
259
00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:52,270
Well, yeah. You know, something.
260
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,270
Dad, if you let her go out there
and see what it's like,
261
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,450
she may never come back.
262
00:09:56,483 --> 00:09:59,153
You'd actually miss her,
wouldn't you?
263
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,453
Well, yeah...
264
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,330
You know, because then there'd
be no one to do my homework.
265
00:10:04,366 --> 00:10:06,476
Yeah, right.
266
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,000
"And they livedhappily ever after.
267
00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:11,180
The end."
268
00:10:11,216 --> 00:10:13,116
Now, tuck yourself in,
269
00:10:13,150 --> 00:10:15,320
and tomorrowwe'll start another classic--
270
00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:19,200
The Valley of the...
Barbie Dolls.
271
00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:21,233
Good night,sweetheart.
272
00:10:21,266 --> 00:10:22,476
Good night, Fran.
273
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,000
Uh, don't get so closeto the TV.
274
00:10:25,330 --> 00:10:27,200
You'll get cancer.
275
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:31,230
[HUMMING "RULE, BRITANNIA"]
276
00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:44,370
Mm.
277
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,480
Ah. Thank you, Niles.
278
00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:51,330
Cigar?
279
00:10:51,366 --> 00:10:53,396
Don't mind if I do.
280
00:10:56,183 --> 00:10:57,283
Ah.
281
00:11:00,116 --> 00:11:02,116
Will there be
anything else, sir?
282
00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:05,180
Oh, is that
theLondon Times?
283
00:11:06,483 --> 00:11:08,333
Mm.
284
00:11:09,466 --> 00:11:12,266
You know, my pajamas
are about your size.
285
00:11:17,450 --> 00:11:19,430
Well, apparently
Miss Fine's date
286
00:11:19,466 --> 00:11:21,826
is going very well.
287
00:11:21,116 --> 00:11:22,416
Mm-hmm.
288
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:30,180
Awfully quiet
in this house, isn't it?
289
00:11:30,216 --> 00:11:33,996
Really? I hadn't noticed.
290
00:11:34,330 --> 00:11:35,150
So, what do you think
291
00:11:35,183 --> 00:11:37,473
of this nasty
business
in the Middle East?
292
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,400
It's something
I would like to read about...
293
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,153
in my off time,
294
00:11:42,183 --> 00:11:45,383
which technically began
at 8.
295
00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:47,426
Right. Yes.
296
00:11:47,466 --> 00:11:50,216
Well, I'll,
uh...
I'll just,
uh--
297
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,470
If you're at loose ends,
sir,
298
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,500
why don't you
sort the recycling?
299
00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:56,380
Good idea.
300
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,176
Way to be
politically conscious, sir.
301
00:11:59,216 --> 00:12:00,416
Do you realize
302
00:12:00,450 --> 00:12:02,330
how much the children
will actually miss Miss Fine
303
00:12:02,366 --> 00:12:04,156
if she were to leave?
304
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:06,300
Good God, man,
it's just a first date!
305
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,430
Speaking as one
who's off the clock.
306
00:12:10,483 --> 00:12:12,283
Well, you're absolutely right.
307
00:12:12,316 --> 00:12:15,156
First dates are usually
a nightmare, aren't they?
308
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,280
Indeed, if mine
are any indication.
309
00:12:17,316 --> 00:12:21,326
And after all,
he is an undertaker.
310
00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:23,120
I can't see anything
between them.
311
00:12:26,266 --> 00:12:29,216
And I can't see anything
between them, either.
312
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,003
Phillip
is so
intense.
313
00:12:42,330 --> 00:12:43,130
We spent hours
discussing
314
00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,346
the nature
of consciousness
315
00:12:44,383 --> 00:12:46,003
and whether or not
something really
exists.
316
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,000
Like this table.
Is it really here,
317
00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:49,400
or is it only here
because we see it?
318
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:51,333
And if we weren't here
to see it,
319
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:52,420
would it disappear?
Maggie, sweetheart,
320
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:55,470
next time you go
to a coffeehouse, try decaf.
321
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:02,250
So, Miss Fine, I
take it
your date went well.
322
00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:06,283
Well, it was pretty fabulous.
323
00:13:09,216 --> 00:13:10,366
You know, Fran,
you've got to get this guy
324
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,450
out of your system.
325
00:13:11,483 --> 00:13:14,183
I mean,
I've got midterms coming up.
326
00:13:14,216 --> 00:13:17,226
I've got middle age coming up.
I win.
327
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,230
Okay, kids,
we should get going.
328
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:23,326
You don't want to be
late for school.
329
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:24,830
I can't wait for lunch.
330
00:13:24,116 --> 00:13:25,196
Phillip invited me
331
00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,383
to sit at his table
with his friends.
332
00:13:27,416 --> 00:13:30,156
But does Phillip's table
really exist?
333
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,120
And when you show up,
will they all disappear?
334
00:13:34,383 --> 00:13:37,353
Well, Niles, it seems
that love is in the air.
335
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,833
Mm.
336
00:13:39,116 --> 00:13:41,316
It's suppose it's time
to have that
birds-and-bees talk.
337
00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:43,370
I would have thought
you'd have done that by now.
338
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,130
Miss Margaret is 14.
339
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,366
Not Maggie.
Oh, don't even say that.
340
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,230
No. I-- I meant Miss Fine.
341
00:13:50,266 --> 00:13:53,226
I suspect
she knows,
sir.
342
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:57,346
And if I may be so bold,
I'd say she's way ahead of you.
343
00:13:57,383 --> 00:13:59,503
Exactly. That's why I want you,
344
00:13:59,830 --> 00:14:01,230
as the senior member
of my domestic staff,
345
00:14:01,266 --> 00:14:04,416
to make Miss Fine aware
of the rules of the house.
346
00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:07,253
Well, you know
what I'm talking about.
347
00:14:07,283 --> 00:14:09,273
Spell it out for me, sir.
348
00:14:10,366 --> 00:14:12,826
You know, no pets,
no loud music,
349
00:14:12,116 --> 00:14:13,416
no boyfriends in her room.
350
00:14:13,450 --> 00:14:15,300
I understand
completely.
351
00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:17,103
Oh, good.
So you'll tell
her?
352
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,423
No bloody way.
353
00:14:19,433 --> 00:14:21,323
How very disobliging of you.
354
00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:24,330
We never had this problem
with the other nannies, did we?
355
00:14:24,366 --> 00:14:26,246
No, sir.
Although, if I recall correctly,
356
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,303
Nanny Carpaugh
was a handsome woman.
357
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,303
That was probably the sideburns.
358
00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:32,366
BOTH:
Ooh!
359
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:39,480
Good morning, Niles.
360
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,500
Mm-hmm.
361
00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:44,300
Oh, thank you.
I am famished.
362
00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:45,453
Napkin?
363
00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:47,383
Well, well.
364
00:14:47,416 --> 00:14:49,246
No barbs? No wisecracks?
365
00:14:49,283 --> 00:14:52,003
Niles, have you been
taking butler lessons?
366
00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:55,280
I'm lulling you
into a false sense of security.
367
00:14:55,316 --> 00:14:56,476
Where's Maxwell?
368
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,320
He's gone upstairs
to discuss with Miss Fine
369
00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:02,230
the possibility
of having sex in her room.
370
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,830
Miss Fine,
do you have a moment?
371
00:15:12,116 --> 00:15:13,296
I hope
I'm not intruding.
372
00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:16,103
Sure. Come on in.
My house is your
house.
373
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:18,183
Oh, yeah. It is.
374
00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:22,096
Take a load off.
375
00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:23,153
Uh, thank you,
376
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:24,303
but I'd
just as soon stand.
377
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,423
Oh, well,
can you hold
this?
378
00:15:28,216 --> 00:15:30,366
I'm just getting
ready
for my lunch date.
379
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,500
Another date already?
380
00:15:32,830 --> 00:15:34,300
Well, I got to eat.
381
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,323
This is all
very awkward.
382
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:39,330
I've not had
to have this conversation
383
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:40,270
with the other nannies.
384
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,220
Of course, they weren't nearly
as attractive as you.
385
00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,480
Oh, well...
386
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,270
[CLEARS THROAT]
387
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,220
As master
of this house,
388
00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:50,250
there are certain things
that I expect.
389
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,453
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
390
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:54,283
Maybe I should have read
the fine print.
391
00:15:54,316 --> 00:15:56,326
Oh, no, no,
Miss Fine.
392
00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:57,280
You're taking this
all wrong.
393
00:15:57,316 --> 00:15:58,446
Here.
394
00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:02,163
I need to talk to you
about your boyfriend.
395
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,200
Oh, I wouldn't call him
my boyfriend.
396
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,423
Well, he is a boy,
and he is your friend.
397
00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:09,180
Mr. Sheffield, are you
sure
you're in the right
room?
398
00:16:09,216 --> 00:16:10,466
I mean, Maggie
is two doors
down.
399
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,130
No, I've already had
this talk with Maggie.
400
00:16:13,166 --> 00:16:15,346
Oh, well, I hope it went better
than this.
401
00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:18,663
No. As a matter of fact,
it didn't.
402
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,120
Miss Fine, what
I'm trying to say
is,
403
00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:22,400
if you are intent
on having a fling,
404
00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:24,153
then there are certain rules
405
00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:26,483
regarding the proper places
for a fling to be flung.
406
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,500
Mm-hmm.
407
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:29,250
So I take it
the previous nannies
408
00:16:29,283 --> 00:16:32,373
never, uh, "flang"?
409
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,270
No. They were not flingers.
410
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:37,160
Well, let me
just clarify
this.
411
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,500
We are talking about
having sex in my
room,
412
00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:41,230
are we not?
413
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,176
Uh, not-- No.
Not us.
414
00:16:43,216 --> 00:16:45,126
We already covered that.
415
00:16:45,166 --> 00:16:46,376
I assure you,
Mr. Sheffield,
416
00:16:46,416 --> 00:16:48,166
I would
never
do anything
417
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,320
to set a bad
example
for the children.
418
00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,480
Well, thank you
for that, Miss Fine.
419
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,400
And I appreciate
your discretion.
420
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:58,423
Oh, well, thank you
for holding my hair.
421
00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,280
Oh. Anytime.
422
00:17:00,316 --> 00:17:02,216
If you want,
I can return the favor
423
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:03,300
and wash that gray away.
424
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,503
How long have you
had that, anyway?
425
00:17:05,830 --> 00:17:07,170
Oh, it came in
about the same time you did.
426
00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:10,433
What a coincidence.
427
00:17:17,330 --> 00:17:18,170
Fran?
Be right there.
428
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,500
Oh, no rush.
429
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,160
No one's going anywhere.
430
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,270
[WHISTLING]
431
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,453
Hi.
432
00:17:40,483 --> 00:17:42,453
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
433
00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:45,503
Hi.
434
00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:46,350
Listen, thanks
for meeting me here.
435
00:17:46,383 --> 00:17:49,323
I would've picked you up,
but the car's being used.
436
00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,480
Oh, no problem.
No problem.
437
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,450
Here. I'll help
you
close up.
438
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:56,830
Oh, Steve-a-la!
439
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,176
Are you sure
this is the right place?
440
00:17:58,216 --> 00:17:59,326
Well...
441
00:17:59,366 --> 00:18:03,156
Although this satin lining
looks very comfy.
442
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:04,660
You know,
443
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:05,470
that's what I
love
about you.
444
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,270
You have got the
greatest
sense of humor.
445
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,000
Oh, well, so do you.
446
00:18:10,330 --> 00:18:11,250
Yeah?
You really think
so?
447
00:18:11,283 --> 00:18:13,833
Yeah, considering
your chosen profession.
448
00:18:13,116 --> 00:18:15,826
Well, it wasn't
actually
my choice.
449
00:18:15,116 --> 00:18:16,216
It's a family business
450
00:18:16,250 --> 00:18:18,250
that I just
sort of fell
into.
451
00:18:18,283 --> 00:18:20,253
Oh, well, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
452
00:18:20,283 --> 00:18:23,163
It's a very respectable
business,
453
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,400
and it doesn't
bother me one bit.
454
00:18:25,433 --> 00:18:27,303
Well, it bothers me.
455
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:28,433
Fran, I just
can't stand
456
00:18:28,466 --> 00:18:30,296
to be around
all of this
sadness
457
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,433
day in
and day
out.
458
00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:34,466
Oh, honey, did you make
a wrong career choice.
459
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,120
That's why I'm
going
back to college
460
00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:37,150
to get my degree.
461
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:39,503
Oh, a professional man.
462
00:18:39,830 --> 00:18:41,500
Nope.
Doctor?
463
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:43,500
Nope.
Lawyer?
464
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:44,220
No.
465
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,150
Indian chief?
466
00:18:46,183 --> 00:18:48,353
I'll give you a hint.
467
00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:56,380
You're studying
to be Karl Malden?
468
00:18:56,416 --> 00:18:59,416
No. A clown.
469
00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:01,330
Wha--?
470
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:03,470
Fran, I'm going
to clown college.
471
00:19:05,830 --> 00:19:07,370
Oh, Fran, don't you get it?
472
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,120
See, I just want
to make people happy.
473
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:21,403
Oh, Fran, you're not laughing.
474
00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:23,203
I'm laughing.
475
00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:26,333
On the inside,
476
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,400
where it's dry.
477
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:30,233
All right. Look, look.
478
00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,316
I also do balloon animals.
479
00:19:32,350 --> 00:19:35,160
Here. Watch this.
480
00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:42,403
Gee, I hope
it's a four-year college.
481
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:48,326
I hate men.
482
00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:51,830
Well, take a number.
Take a spoon.
483
00:19:51,116 --> 00:19:52,296
What are you eating?
484
00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:55,373
I guess I'll have
my leftover birthday cake.
485
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,350
Isn't that a little old?
486
00:19:57,383 --> 00:20:00,203
What's your point?
487
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,503
I can't believe Phillip.
What a phony.
488
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:05,470
I caught him drooling
over some stupid cheerleader.
489
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,370
And after all the coffee
you drank for that man.
490
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,300
I thought
we had something special.
491
00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:13,483
Been there.
492
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,100
I thought I really knew him.
493
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:17,333
And there.
494
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:20,156
And then, out of nowhere,
he hits me with this.
495
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,470
It's like I've had cold water
thrown in my face.
496
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,230
I know exactly how you feel.
497
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,400
Picturing yourself married,
498
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:30,183
living in a split-level
in Long Island
499
00:20:30,216 --> 00:20:31,326
with three kids
500
00:20:31,366 --> 00:20:34,656
and an El Dorado
in the driveway.
501
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,660
No.
502
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:39,180
But I did have hopes
for the weekend.
503
00:20:39,216 --> 00:20:40,276
Hello, ladies.
504
00:20:40,316 --> 00:20:42,366
Ice cream? Cake?
505
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,270
Man trouble?
506
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:47,150
I hate Phillip.
I'm never talking to him again.
507
00:20:47,183 --> 00:20:49,223
Miss Margaret,
it's Master Phillip.
508
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:53,330
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
509
00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:54,280
Ah, youth.
510
00:20:55,350 --> 00:20:57,200
You know, Fran,
when I'm depressed,
511
00:20:57,233 --> 00:20:59,283
it always
makes me feel
better
512
00:20:59,316 --> 00:21:00,446
to help other people.
513
00:21:00,483 --> 00:21:02,153
I have an essay
514
00:21:02,183 --> 00:21:04,223
I'd be willing
to let you write for
me.
515
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:05,320
Brighton, my darling,
516
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:08,160
I'm at your beck
and call.
517
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:09,430
I'll be home every night.
518
00:21:09,466 --> 00:21:11,166
I have no life.
519
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,180
We're awfully
sorry,
Miss Fine.
520
00:21:13,216 --> 00:21:15,246
Oh, we sure are.
521
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,470
So, what, uh,
what happened?
522
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,250
Did you find
dating a
mortician
523
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,373
a bit too macabre?
524
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,450
Oh, I did at first,
but I got used to the idea,
525
00:21:30,483 --> 00:21:33,253
and then he turns out
to be a clown.
526
00:21:33,283 --> 00:21:35,333
How do you mean?
527
00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:37,180
I mean a clown.
528
00:21:37,216 --> 00:21:39,266
In what way?
529
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,330
The usual way--
530
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:44,096
red hair, baggy pants,
floppy shoes.
531
00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:46,283
Do I have to
draw you a picture?
532
00:21:46,316 --> 00:21:51,216
Oh, to think I came this close
to being Mrs. Bozo.
533
00:21:54,330 --> 00:21:57,500
All the world loves a clown.
Why can't you?
534
00:21:58,166 --> 00:22:00,326
Twenty-seven guys
in one little car?
535
00:22:00,366 --> 00:22:03,166
I can't even stand
to share a cab.
536
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,170
Sharing is what marriage
is all about.
537
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,420
What are you looking for,
anyway?
538
00:22:08,450 --> 00:22:10,380
Ma, I'm not asking for much,
539
00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:13,396
just a guy that doesn't
wear
as much makeup as I do.
540
00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,253
What are you
waiting for?
541
00:22:15,283 --> 00:22:18,383
You think Mr. Right
is just gonna walk right up,
542
00:22:18,416 --> 00:22:22,656
knock on your door,
and say, "Here I am"?
543
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:23,130
[KNOCKING]
544
00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:25,326
Ah, there you are.
Hello, Sylvia.
545
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:27,120
Which tie,
the yellow or the green?
546
00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:29,000
Green. It goes better
with your eyes.
547
00:22:29,330 --> 00:22:30,150
Ah, thanks.
548
00:22:30,183 --> 00:22:33,183
Ma, I just want a guy
that I can respect
549
00:22:33,216 --> 00:22:34,446
that respects me.
550
00:22:34,483 --> 00:22:36,173
I'm sorry
to bother you
again.
551
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,170
It's just,
I value your
opinion.
552
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,420
Gold or
tiger's-eye
cuff links?
553
00:22:40,450 --> 00:22:42,230
Gold. Simple. Elegant.
554
00:22:42,266 --> 00:22:44,326
Right.
555
00:22:44,660 --> 00:22:45,270
Who knows, Ma?
556
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:47,350
I just think
maybe someday he'll come along.
557
00:22:47,383 --> 00:22:50,163
Fran, open your eyes.
558
00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:52,130
Life just doesn't work
like that.
559
00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:10,246
Look at
Ronald McDonald.
560
00:23:10,283 --> 00:23:12,203
He's got
his own corporation now.
561
00:23:13,316 --> 00:23:15,116
I'm not gonna
spend my nights
562
00:23:15,150 --> 00:23:17,160
polishing big shoes, Ma.
563
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,300
Are you gonna be single
your whole life?
564
00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:20,333
Oh, I can just
see
the wedding.
565
00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:21,280
He'll slip
on a banana peel
566
00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:22,346
while walking
down the
aisle.
567
00:23:22,383 --> 00:23:24,663
Look at the bright side.
568
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:27,330
Instead of two rings,
you'll have three.
569
00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:28,450
[GROANS]
570
00:23:30,216 --> 00:23:33,126
Shut the door, Ma.
37463
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