Original subtitles

APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome back to the Cornley Drama Festival.

Once again, apologies for the sign.

We have had a fantastic response to the festival with seven

people writing in to tell us they enjoyed the show,

and thousands of other people also writing in.

I've given the horse too many tranquilisers.

That is not my problem tonight.

Because first up, we are in the hands of Sandra Wilkinson.

APPLAUSE

Distinct.

Unique.

WHISPERS: Moist.

What do these words have in common?

They've all been used to describe my voice, so I've written

a radio play to present this evening, not as some have suggested

because I am in the running to be the new voice of Marks and Spencers,

although I am down to the final 80,

but because I would love nothing more than to share with you

how audio drama is made.

So, please enjoy A Talented Woman Awakens.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

JAUNTY INTRO MUSIC

Well, that roast beef was absolutely delicious, Dad.

It certainly was, Deborah.

I adored those Yorkshire puddings almost as much as the crisp

golden potatoes and creamy yet fiery horseradish sauce, 2.99.

I'll clear the dishes.

CUTLERY RATTLES

Deborah, I meant to tell you,

I'll be hosting the talent show at the village fete this year.

Well, you should enter that, darling, you're ever so talented.

I couldn't do that, Mum.

Of course you could, sweetheart.

There's more to you than your sensational looks.

You also have a fantastic speaking voice,

and you own your own Pitchtone B+ podcasting microphone.

Let me pour you a cup of tea, Dad.

Sugar? Two, please.

Milk? Just a spot.

COW MOOS

Maybe you're right, maybe I should enter the talent competition.

I just wish I...

MAN COUGHS

..had more confidence.

You are so dreadfully humble.

And you're ever so talented.

Now, come on, Dad, it's well past...

..your bedtime. Onto the stairlift.

MICROWAVE HUMS

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

PING!

Now, let's get you tucked in.

Goodnight, Dad. I'll shut the door.

CREAK

BANG!

See you in the morning.

SHE PLAYS "MORNING" FROM PEER GYNT

BIRDS TWITTER

Cockadoodle-do!

Good morning, Mum.

Morning, darling. You're ever so talented.

FIRES THREE SHOTS

Come in.

Buenos dias, senorita.

Miguel, how are you, my dear?

I am sad because I know I will never be enough for you.

Oh, Miguel, our relationship is too passionate.

SLURPING

I have seen there is to be a talent show at the village fete.

Soon I will lose you to celebrity.

My talent is too...

SPRAYING

My talent is too wild to be...

SPRAYING

Huh!

My talent is too wild to be caged. I must perform.

LACKLUSTRE CHEER

Come, mount this stallion with me. We shall ride to the village fete.

Wake up.

HORSE NEIGHS GENTLY

PILLS RATTLE

Clippity-clop, clippity-clop! Neigh!

Neigh!

Here we are at the village fete.

We have arrived in time for the hoedown.

HOEDOWN MUSIC

I do hope everyone is enjoying the Barnesbury village fete so far.

SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Yeah, just brilliant.

And huge congratulations to Benny Webber who correctly spelt

the word incompetent to win this year's spelling bee.

I-N-C-O-M-M-P-

-E-T-E-N-T-

-E-N-T-E-N-T...E.

Incommpentententente.

And next up in the talent show,

we have Peter Bodkin with his one-man clog dance.

FOOTSTEPS

BANGING

FAST RHYTHMIC CLATTERING

APPLAUSE

A round of applause for Peter.

BANGING AND RATTLING

Next up will be my very own daughter, who will be

reciting the entirety of Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shallot.

Are you ready to perform, my darling?

I'm a little bit nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Look at the beautiful sunshine and listen to the birds singing.

GUNSHOT

Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,

showcasing her extraordinary vocal range, Deborah Davies.

SHE GASPS

SHE SPLUTTERS

SHE COUGHS

Aaaargh!

SHE GASPS

Fantastic.

And the scores are in. And the winner is...

..Deborah Davies. A round of applause, please.

COW MOOS

GUNSHOT

HORN TOOTS

There is a storm brewing!

Thank you for coming.

And now a word of congratulations from our mayor.

SILENCE

I think this is the beginning of an extraordinary career.

Advertising executives and voice-over agents

will be calling you every day.

On 07700 900 381.

HOARSE AND HIGH-PITCHED:

My talent has been awakened.

SHE SOBS

APPLAUSE

Next up is my...

Next up is my play. I wrote it myself.

I would like to thank Trevor for providing the special effects.

My play is called...

..Toothpaste, 1.99.

Sorry, that's a receipt.

My play is called...

..Toothpaste, 1.69.

Enjoy.

APPLAUSE

Hello, how much is this toothpaste?

1.69.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I think we can all agree

there are still some cuts to be found in that play.

Next up, we have Annie Twilloil.

Now, people often say we take things too seriously at the Cornley

Drama Society but that wasn't always the case.

The original troupe performed a comedy as recently as 1979.

So, we thought it would be nice to step outside our comfort zone

and revisit that laugh out loud romp tonight.

This farce has been classified as Grade C Bawdy

so some of the more graphic jokes have had to be censored

to comply with broadcasting decency guidelines.

So, please enjoy the classic '70s farce entitled

An Upstanding Member in a Tight Spot in the Back Office.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good morning, Mr Carmichael.

Good morning, Miss Pennyforth.

WIND HOWLS

Ooh, frightfully windy day today, isn't it? Brrrrr!

Miss Pennyforth, have you got a date tonight?

Oh, yes, sir, a whole bag full.

COMEDY TRUMPET

What is she like! Now, tell me, what appointments do I have today?

Well, at 11 o'clock, we'll be having a bit of how's your father?

Oh.

And at 11:05, you've got a meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

So, we've only got five minutes together?

Yes, I thought that would give me

four minutes to catch up on paperwork.

RIM SHOT

What is she like!

Don't forget, the Archbishop is terrified of bees.

So I best remove these.

Good thinking, Miss Pennyforth.

And the Prince of Wales is coming around at 11:20

to present you with your OBE.

COMEDY XYLOPHONE

The Prince of Wales?

We best cancel my meeting with Norman Norde, the nudist Lord.

Yes, Mr Carmichael.

Dr Rod Problem dropped round these little blue pills?

Sorry.

Little blue pills.

Those are for my downstairs problem.

The leak in the basement?

COMEDY MUSIC

I'll leave them in this drinks cabinet next

to your anti-anxiety medication.

Careful, these bottles look just alike.

I better go and put on a tie.

Let me help you with that.

Thank you, Miss Pennyforth.

BLEEP! Ooh!

Righty-oh, then. Time to clean these windows.

Oh, these blooming bees.

BEES BUZZ

I-N-C-O-M-P-E-T-E-N-T, incompetent.

What are you doing?

I'm the spelling bees.

Hey, hey, hey, you stop buzzing in my face! Out of it! Out of it!

You, pack it in!

Blooming 'eck! Someone has left the window open.

Now there's soap suds all over the back office.

I best get in there and clean it up before someone slips over.

What a palaver!

COMEDY MUSIC

QUIETLY: Right, I think that's us done.

Oh, Mrs Carmichael, Leader of the Opposition and my wife.

Hope you don't mind, I've popped in your back corridor. Passage.

I've popped in your back passage.

RIM SHOT

You're early.

Makes a change, it's usually you who gets here early. Comes.

RIM SHOT

Would you like a drink?

Oh, yes, you know I love a strong one.

A stiff one.

RIM SHOT

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oooooh!

RIM SHOT

Why are there soap suds all over this floor?

My coat is soaked through.

Oh, dear, I don't think things could get any worse.

My mother is coming to stay for the weekend.

Looks like I spoke too soon.

RIM SHOT

I brought you these flowers for you to give to her.

HORSE NEIGHS

God, she's awake. Where are the tranquilisers?

HORSE NEIGHS

Well, I best get back to the Commons. Goodbye, darling.

It's 11 o'clock.

Time for us BLEEP.

I've forgotten my bag.

Quickly, Miss Pennyforth, hide in the wardrobe.

BLEEP.

BLEEP. BLEEP.

BLEEP. BLEEP.

Oh, Mr Carmichael. Oh! Oh! Oooh! Ooh!

I've forgotten my bag.

Oh.

SHE GIGGLES

I don't think things could get any worse.

HORSE NEIGHS

Everybody, stand back!

HORSE NEIGHS

Oh, crikey, I just bought these shoes from the cobblers.

And they don't half squeak.

SHOES SQUEAK

Get mopping, the Prince of Wales is coming to give me my O...

SHOES SQUEAK

..OBE. And we can't have

soap suds all over the place.

COMEDY MUSIC

You've smashed the window!

Oh, it's let in a gale.

WIND HOWLS

Hey!

It's blown off our trousers.

KNOCK AT DOOR

The Archbishop! Quick, hide in the wardrobe!

SHOES SQUEAK

SHOES SQUEAK

Morning, Carmichael. Cor blimey, why aren't you wearing trousers, Carmichael?

Er... Pink polka dots are all the rage, Archbishop.

I'm pleased to hear it. Wow!

Now, Carmichael, I have to tell you about something that

happened to me on the way here.

I came out of my front door and there were two BLEEP standing there,

BLEEP with BLEEP... right up the cloisters.

Now, Carmichael, I'm here to talk to you about not building that

atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral.

But what's this?

A contract from Car Parks Limited about building an atheist car

park over Canterbury Cathedral?

This is a disgrace, Carmichael.

I'm telephoning the Vatican and when they get hold of you,

you'll be sorrier than I was when I saw the Pope BLEEP.

I said... BLEEP...

..raw buttocks.

Oh, Mr Carmichael, I'm starting to panic.

I don't like being in tight spaces.

Nor do I.

RIM SHOT

Here, take one of my anti-anxiety pills.

SLOW SAXOPHONE MUSIC

Mr Carmichael!

Quick!

BOTH: Ooooh!

I've forgotten my hat.

Here you go, darling.

Carmichael!

Oh, dear, we forgot to cancel my meeting with Norman Norde,

the nudist Lord.

BLEEP.

What's going on, Carmichael?

Oooh-oooh-ooh!

BLEEP...

What was all that about, Carmichael?

Don't go near the window.

WIND HOWLS

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, wha....!

Whaaaaargh! Ooh!

Oh, it's blown off my trousers!

Oh! Ooh!

How embarrassing!

Oh!

How embarrassing.

Sorry about that, Archbishop.

Please accept these flowers with my apologies.

Thank you, Carmichael.

BUZZING

But what's that noise?

Oh, no!

Incompetent!

Bee! Bee! Bee!

Bees! Bees!

I'm being chased by a bee.

CLATTERING AND BANGING

HORSE NEIGHS

Here! Take one of my anti-anxiety pills.

Thank you, Carmichael. Could you give me a pill?

One. Could you give me one?

RIM SHOT

SLOW SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

Oooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oooh! Oooh!

Oh, for the horse!

I'm here, Carmichael.

A French maid? A window cleaner?

The Archbishop of Canterbury? And the Leader of the Opposition?

All at it in the Chief Whip's office?

After seeing this, I can't possibly give you your OBE.

I'll have to give you a knighthood!

COMEDY VERSION OF RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS

HE LAUGHS FEEBLY

Heh-heh-heh!

MUSIC ENDS

Heh-heh-heh!

Heh-heh-heh!

HE LAUGHS FEEBLY

Thank you.

That was a farce.

Now, as you can see, we do appear to be down a few members of the cast.

Trevor and I will be taking them to A&E now. But do not fear...

But do not fear, the festival will continue with Jonathan's piece.

It's a musical ensemble number, which-which-which...

..which would have included the whole cast.

And it's about a circus. Enjoy.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC BEGINS

Roll-up, roll-up, come and enjoy the show!

Jimmy, Missy, Tony, Matty,

Ricky, Jenny! OK!

Come on, guys, let's have a song.

I'll play the keys, you sing along.

Piano?

No?

OK!

Prepare to see wonders, thrills and delights

Magic and marvels, incredible sights

I'm Jimmy the juggler

I'm Missy the mime

I'm Tony on the unicycle riding the line

I'm Magical Matty with magic, of course

And Rodeo Ricky, here with my horse

I'm Jenny the gymnast I'll throw you to bits

When you watch me doing the splits... Oh!

Oh, my God. Amazing.

What a talent.

..We are the ensemble

We work as a team

We are the ensemble

Together, a circus supreme...

Take it, Jimmy, with your amazing juggling!

..What goes up must come down

When you're Jimmy the juggler turn it around...

Wow, that's amazing. Incredible.

..Throwing and catching is my thing

But when I'm not juggling, I like to sing... Aargh!

Now, go, Missy, with your mime.

Hell, yeah!

Now, Tony, show us your skills on the unicycle.

..You gotta know the motion

Yeah, you gotta have a feel

When you try to ride a cycle that's only one wheel

My clothes are made of leather but my heart is made of steel

I used to have a bicycle but things got real...

Oh, God!

..We are the ensemble

We work as a team

We are the ensemble

Together, a circus supreme...

Now, Matty, marvel us with your magic.

APPLAUSE

..We are the ensemble

We work as a team

We are the ensemble

Together, a circus supreme

Together, a circus supreeeeeeme!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING