Original subtitles

APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to the Cornley Drama Festival,

apologies for the sign.

LAUGHTER

As the director of the drama society,

in order to show fairness and to quell talk of yet another coup,

I have agreed to allow everyone to showcase their efforts

in this drama festival, no matter the standard.

So each member of the drama society will be offering what we've agreed

to call 'contributions', ranging from rediscovered classic plays,

to new writing, to workshops, all performed over the next two

weeks, and all of which I take no responsibility for.

So, first up we have Robert with an acting masterclass.

Right.

Hello!

That was acting.

Hello.

That was not.

What is the difference between acting and non-acting?

That is what we will discover in my Masterclass.

The most common question I'm asked about acting in voicemails

left to me by myself is, how can I become a good actor?

Well, let's see.

Here are eight actors standing in order from best to worst.

Hm? What?

Now, we are going to see a bit of acting from each of them.

Let's begin.

At position number one we have our best actor - that's me,

thank you for holding that, Jonathan.

To be or not to be!

Very good. No notes.

Next, we have our second best actor, Sandra.

Off you go.

To be or not to be?

Mmm. Good.

But also quite shrill and bad.

Remember when asking a question you need to go up at the end of the line.

To be or not to be? Very good.

Next.

This is not what you said you were going to do.

That is not the line, Chris, move down one place.

LAUGHTER

Next...

To be or not to be.

Good. Go on.

That's... That's all you said to learn.

Well, make it up.

I...

I... Right, OK!

So here's a tip, so if you're ever on stage

and you don't know what to do... run at the audience.

Argh!

You see, because if they're scared of you, you're not scared of them

and that is why I always carry a gun on stage.

Next... You can't have a gun! Wrong again. Down you go!

And I can have a gun and I must have a gun.

That's the rule of Chekhov's gun.

Have a gun.

And now it's been seen I will have to shoot

someone before the end of the play.

Right, moving down the line. Max!

To be or not to be.

OK, but remember Hamlet is tense in this moment, OK?

As are all characters at all times, so let's see that tight inner fear.

To be or not...

Argh! ..to be! Good. Very tense.

You were in the moment.

OK, right now, let's see if you can get it right this time, Chris.

You requested three quarters of the show's budget for this.

Dreadful, down two places.

We really are in the dregs now.

Or as they're professionally termed the sub-actors.

Annie...

To be or not to be.

That, Annie, was actually very good.

Well done.

Remember, it can damage an actor's morale if you tell them

how bad they really are.

The best way to hide a bad actor is to put them

in the biggest hat you can find.

Right, who's next? Dennis.

Off you go...

No, no, just... Begin.

To be or to be not be.

Medically fascinating.

It's literally written here for him...

Seven. No, don't read that. To be or...

Stop reading!

And finally...

To be or not to be.

The worst of the lot.

Although, of course, beneath actors you do have stage managers.

Trevor, why don't you tell the people at home a little

bit about your job.

Well, actually, it's just as creative as being on stage.

That is clearly false.

So, you've seen now how a drama society is formed of actors

and sub-actors

and it's important to know about this when casting your play.

You can group actors and sub-actors together to create average

scenes or you can group your actors together in your main narrative

and then separate off your sub-actors into the 'sub-plot'

and that's of course where we get the term.

Then the sub-plot will be a write off

but the core narrative will be preserved.

Unless, of course, one of your actors 'loses talent'.

You can find out more about that in my new acting book WHY!

First, let's try a scene with an actor and a sub-actor in it.

Chris and Sandra please.

Here are your scripts.

There...

Isobel, my dear, what a fine day it is in the park.

Oh, Richard, it is.

Will you marry me, Isobel?

No, I just see you as a thin and unpleasant friend.

And stop there.

Now, what did Sandra not do there?

Dennis. I don't know.

OK.

Remember she is acting with a sub-actor,

so Sandra should have done what we call 'masking your sub-actor'.

I'll show you what I mean. Chris, from the top.

Isobel, my dear,

what a fine... Uh!

What a fine day it is in the park. Is it?

That's... Aaaagh!

Will you marry me? OF COURSE NOT!

Now, you see, the more you do, the less they can do.

Now, in this scene, Chris' character Richard is snubbed

and experiences what we call in the industry 'sadness'

and of course you cannot portray sadness without tears.

Just as in the same way you cannot perform comedy

without showing your gums.

So how do we cry on stage?

Everyone, please take out your measuring jugs.

Many actors believe crying can only be achieved through truly

empathising with the character.

They are wrong.

The best way to cry on cue is to use your muscles to force tears

out of your face.

So, everyone, please put your jug to your saddest eye and go!

Tense your chest! Tense your back! Tense your neck!

Tense your buttocks, groin and throat.

Now! Now!

Arghhhhh! Arghhhh!

There we are!

Anyone else manage to get any tears?

That's fine, he'll be fine.

When I do this down at the youth centre there's usually at least one haemorrhage.

How have we done? Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

You see, she's 'losing talent'.

Nothing...

Jesus.

Are you all right?

I don't know.

OK. Stay safe.

Stay emotionally safe, everyone.

Now, some sub-actors will not be able to produce any tears this way

and for them you can use this product I found on the dark web called 'tear-gas'.

Argh!

And straight into the scene!

Argh! Isobel, my dear!

What a fine day it is in the park!

Oh, Richard, it is!

Will you marry me, Isobel?!

No, I just see you as a thin and unpleasant friend!

Are you sad?! Much better!

No, no. They're nowhere near ready for that.

And, of course, the best way to finish a scene is with my signature end card.

So now you've seen some acting,

hopefully you can tell the difference between acting and non-acting.

In fact, let's put your learning to the test and see

if you can tell which is which in these clips.

No, Robert, argh!

This is...

Chris ballet dancing is a new low.

I'm going to put glue on his flute.

ROBERT LAUGHS

Robert, are you filming this?

This is...

Robert, why are you requesting three quarters of the show's budget for your masterclass?

Er...insurance.

This is...

If you want to learn more, copies of my new acting book -

Anything You Can Act I Can Act Even Louder -

are now available in pop-up form.

BOOK: To be or not to be!

Now, next up we, we have a...

Understudy.

Next up, we have a new play by Max.

Which one's Max? Oh, yes!

Number five.

Please enjoy this sub piece, a kitchen sink drama.

APPLAUSE

I'm a plate and this is great.

I'm a plate and this is great.

I'm a sponge, watch me lunge.

I'm a sponge, watch me lunge!

To be clean is my goal, cos I'm a dirty little bowel.

Now we're ready, here we go.

Here comes Mr H2O.

The tap is turned. I must dash!

Here I come with a splash.

Woooooaaaahhhhh!

I'm stuck.

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APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you, Max.

Clearly a slight misinterpretation of what a kitchen sink drama is there.

Why, what is it?

It's a soap opera.

Aah, that's the second act.

SHE SINGS OPERA

Thank you.

Marvellous.

Next up, we have Vanessa with something a little less traditional.

Since taking part in series one of Play Of The Week,

I have been visiting a life coach.

Now, I know a lot of people are sceptical about life coaching

but mine charges me £200 an hour, so you know it's good.

To help me with my fear of spontaneity, he suggested that

I take classes in improvisation.

For example...

Oh, watch out, Kevin, there's a...

..some...

There's a...

Ooh, watch out, Kevin, watch out!

Believe it or not, that line wasn't scripted.

No, it was a stream of consciousness made up completely on the spot

and there's plenty more of that to come.

JINGLE PLAYS

So for this first scene, can someone please shout out a job.

Don't be shy. I'll take anything.

Fart inspector!

No, not that. Come on.

Baker! Baker! Great.

And I also need an emotion?

Lust.

Lust. Oh...

OK.

And finally a location?

Hull. Hull?

Yeah! OK.

So this scene is a lusty baker in Hull.

Here we go.

Wait...

Here we go!

IMITATES HULL ACCENT: Hello, Margery. How's the bread today?

Lusty.

What are you doing? Oh, baking.

In Hull.

I...

I... I...

Aaaaargh!

Ding a ling a ling.

Ooh, nice buns!

OK and scene.

So this next scene is going to be a "fun" one.

JINGLE PLAYS

Ooh! Sorry.

If you're going to do sound effects, could you let me know?

I just, I was just really thrown there.

So, Chris and Max are going to play The Alphabet Game,

where the first line of the scene begins with A,

the second line with B and backwards and forwards until they get to Z.

So can I have a location for this scene?

Hull. Ah, OK.

All right, it can be in Hull as well. But whereabouts in Hull?

The Zoo. The Zoo! Great! OK, here we go...

Always a pleasure to see you, Gareth. Hi.

No, it has to start with B.

Oh, er bye...

Come back, Gareth. I need to talk to you.

OK, what about?

It has to start with D now. Does it?

Exactly. Now you're getting it.

Definitely.

No, it has to start with F.

Fenitely.

Good. Thanks.

Say a word beginning with H.

Hull. Jesus...

No, you missed I.

I'm sorry. What about?

Kindly understand the game. I don't understand the game.

Say a word beginning with L. Lusty.

Max... No need to get upset.

Oh, my God! Please Chris.

Quiet! Right.

Stop the dings! That's not very nice.

Unbelievable. Very rude.

Will you shut up?! Xylophones.

Oh. Come on. I had that! You're an idiot!

Zoo.

And scene.

See. Wasn't that fun?

All right, now we're going to play scene change,

where I'm in the middle and the other improvisers

are going to throw crazy ideas at me.

So can we just have a starting location for this scene?

Hull. No! Not Hull, because we've done that! Haven't we?

We... We've done that.

So let's just try somewhere else.

The Far East! Great.

Of Hull.

Ohh! Well, you know what they say about people from Hull.

Don't you? They're all...

..from Hull.

So let's just try a different location.

A cruise ship!

A cruise ship, yes.

Where on a cruise ship?

The hull.

OK, this scene is set in the hull of a cruise ship.

Here we go.

Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?

Lusty.

Change.

What's my line? Just make it up.

Just make it up. No.

Just...

Will you marry me?

What? Really? Yes, I've always loved you.

I don't know what to say. Just say yes.

Yeah! OK.

I... I need to go and tell my mum!

Change.

Change.

Mira las estrellas esta noche.

Chorizo.

Change!

Do you really want to marry me?

Yes, of course.

Will you tell my mum? She doesn't believe me.

She said you're a solid eight and I'm a two.

Change.

Ooh! This is a spooky old attic.

Yes. It's freez... Shut up. Get in the cupboard.

And that's how you win an improv.

Change!

Look, doctor, it appears to be allergic rhinitis.

Hand me the speculum.

No, the speculum.

No, a speculum.

No, a speculum.

A spec...a spec... No, a speculum!

Speculum!

No! No! No! No! Look, look...

..two hands.

Well, looks like we're too late, the patient has died.

Curses.

I could have saved them.

If only I... Argh! Ow!

Change! Change! Change!

Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?

Lusty! Change.

Change.

OK, I think I've found us a venue but it's an £8,000 deposit.

Can I borrow your credit card? I don't have that on me.

That's OK, I'll get it from your purse.

Change!

Hello, Margery. How's the bread today?

Lusty!

Change!

Oh, and scene!

OK. We're all set. June 6th.

I think this is the first time in my life I've ever felt happy.

Right...

That was funtastic!

I hope that my life coach is proud of me for doing that.

I'm not. You need more sessions.

Thank you, Vanessa.

Now we come at last to my piece...

I bet you think you're hullarious.

Hull-arious.

Ha! I'm just too quick for you, mate.

Ahem.

For too long now, the drama society has refused to let me showcase

high art but I'm going to use this opportunity

to present some real culture for once...

Move, Chris!

..and to elevate you, the viewers at home.

So put down your fish and chips,

set aside your cans of lager beer

and put on that shirt you wear to court.

And join me for an evening at the ballet

and the magical tale of the caterpillar, La Nuit de la Chenille.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wha...

Oh!

Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no...

Spider!

Aw, no.

Wow!

Tell us, Sun Beetle, the Caterpillar, is he well?

He is not.

Winter comes and he fades.

What shall we do?

We need the wisdom of the great stag.

Stag!

Ooh!

Tell us, Sun Beetle, what did the...

Uh, uh...

What did the great...? Is it?

What did the great...? Ooh! Stop it!

Tell us, Sun Beetle,

what did the great stag say?

The wise stag said your light has faded. And you must rest...

Uh! How dare you?!

Bleughhh, bleugh, bleugh! Bleughhh, bleugh, bleugh!

Bleughhh, bleugh, bleugh! Bleugh!

Eeeeeee!

Never let yourself be masked.

The wise stag said that your light has faded

and you must lay yourself down beneath the mighty oak.

Ugh! Agh!

Lift...

Extend!

Hold! Hold!

Don't drop me. Careful!

Stop it, man!

The caterpillar has gone.

The forest weeps.

HE STRAINS

Got one!

Stop it! Stop it!

Sodding zip!

Lord Butterfly!

Ah! Come on!

Lord Butterfly! Bloody zip! Come on!

Lord Butterfly!

Ah! Argh!

GUNSHOT, ACTORS SHRIEK

Chekhov's gun.

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