Original subtitles

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to

Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed

live in front of a studio audience and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the fully reinstated director.

Following Robert's ambitious turn as director last week,

the cast came crawling back to me

and I graciously agreed to take on the mantle of director once more.

Which reminds me... Robert, here are your new lines for this evening.

This is blank. Yes, it is.

Robert and I mutually agreed it would be best for him

to play only non-speaking roles this evening.

Tonight's piece is a classic by the great playwright Shakespeare.

To be clear, that's Simon Shakespeare,

the much less well-known and much less well-regarded cousin

of Colin Shakespeare.

So, the actors are prepared, the stage is set.

Please enjoy

The Most Lamentable Tragedy Of The Prince Of England

And His Long-lost Twin Brother Prince Regent Of France

And The Problems Therein Experienced By All

When They Came To Know Of One Another After A Battle.

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

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GONG REVERBERATES

A noble king is tended by his wife.

Advanced in years, he nears the end of...

GONG

..life.

His kingdom disembowelled by bloody war,

where death doth stalk from midland to...

GONG

..the shore.

Prince Richard, who was out of wedlock birthed,

carries his father's name but not his worth.

Queen Isobel would his blood soon spill.

Foul Malcolm plots and for the throne...

...he'd kill.

With the fair lands in turmoil up and down,

all men do scheme to try and seize the throne...

Crown.

All hail the King!

FANFARE

TRUMPET PARPS

A merry trumpet and a bold.

But embolden me it doth not, for the body of the king doth canker.

What medicine, my love?

For me, there is none. For the kingdom, the remedy be my heir.

His heir Richard is no better than air itself,

born as he was of a lowly tavern strumpet.

No son of mine is he.

Call forth Eric the Jester.

Eric the Jester!

My liege, you call me forth but my name is Eric

and I am first amongst your court.

BELLS JINGLE

ALL CHUCKLE

ROBERT GUFFAWS LOUDLY

Good Eric, I called thee to tell you I do ail.

My Lord, we all do ale!

And at celebration we may wine too.

ALL CHUCKLE

ROBERT GUFFAWS

Bring forth... Bring forth...

..the King's... ..the King's...

..brother! ..brother!

FANFARE

What news, good....

MUFFLED GRUNTING

MUFFLED: What news, good brother?

No news but thy impertinence, Malcolm.

Kneel before your King.

LOUD CREAKING

Nay, Malcolm. Let us speak as brothers!

Stand.

CREAKING

Whoa...

I know my throne thou covet for thyself.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Nay, Malcolm, if Richard doth beat the French down,

it will be him, not you, that takes the crown.

Call forth Prince Richard!

Bring forth... Bring forth!

..Prince... Prince!

..Richard! Dick!

You called for me, father?

TRUMPET PARPS

My days grow short, young Richard,

and soon this crown shall pass unto thy head.

STRAINING

Behold its dignity and pomp.

I shall go forth to war and prove my sword is true.

Well, if thou tastes victory, this crown shall pass to you.

Come, we shall...

SCREAMS

P...p...prithee,

where be my man penis?

Tis vanish-ed.

The...the spirits must have frowned upon it!

And what are these...benetted baps? They...

I must go consult the priest before any more of me is...

..released.

FANFARE

And the court thought he was but an irrelevant trumpeter,

but you shall soon see I am most relevant!

Non-speaking!

FANFARE

Oof!

MUFFLED GROANING

I will not see that boy seated upon the throne.

I'd rather see the kingdom in your hand.

MUFFLED: Good, my lady...

MUFFLED: You will be my queen.

Oh, thou speakest poetry and my heart doth melt.

Now we're alone, spare me one secret kiss.

One secret kiss.

We're alone.

No, you're not. Yes, we are...prithee.

She wants you to leave. Get off!

BELLS JINGLE

One secret kiss.

Come on... Just...

MUTTERING

Now we must be gone before the King sees aught's amiss.

And now away from the King's fine court

to a field where a bitter battle is fought.

Each man covered in sweat and blood

and every one prepared to die

for the common...

..gud.

Argh!

GRUNTING

Argh! Argh!

ARGH!

Cannon! Cannon!

Load! Load!

Aim!

Ooh!

Oof!

How fare you, sirrah?

Er... Suf-FER-ing GREAT-ly AT the FRENCH-man's HAND

but WHO come-ETH yon-DER hill-TOP?

A man.

Tis Richard, our great prince, upon his steed.

What ho, fine friends.

Steel your courage and stick it to your brother's back for we are one.

Hurrah!

HOO-ray!

Yes! Hooray! Huzzah!

Bravery rule thy head, let valour be thy light! Bravery...

Oh, oh... Ah... Aaaaah...

Dinky! Dinky! Come back! Come back here...

All fight! Fight for good Richard!

Get 'em! Kill the French!

England forever! Charge!

Oh, look! They're charging!

Get them! Kill the English! France forever!

But wait, I cannot fight, I am a pacifist!

A pacifist? Why are you here?

I have to earn a living, don't I?

What do you do?

I'm a court trumpeter, but the pay is not enough.

You're a court trumpeter pacifist who's been forced to go to war?

I am.

What a layered and interesting man you are.

I agree.

Do you have a song that might

outline your predicament in more detail?

I do, sirrah.

Oh, when I was a young trumpeter Hey-oh, hey-oh...

Non-speaking!

GRUNTING

Curses! Another eager Englishman bearing bloody blade draws near.

LOUD SCRAPING It is the foul Lord Buckingham

whom we Frenchmen do fear.

What ho, Prince Richard!

He thinks me English like himself.

He calls me Richard. What trickery is this?

A fine battle we have won today and we raise our arms victorious.

CLANG

The sun shines bright upon our deeds.

These noble trees shall bear witness to our glory.

And yet I am no tree!

I am the relevant trumpeter, disguis-ed!

Prince Richard, why wearest thou a Frenchman's cap upon thy pate?

Thou art sure to draw the eye of our own archers in this behatted state.

Buckingham! My father shan't deny that this dost prove my worth!

God's teeth, I see my prince and there his shade

as though a mirror were here before.

By Jove, who art thou? We are one and the same.

I am Prince Richard.

WHISPERS: Dick...

Who art thou, sir?

What ho! His voice is the echo of mine.

Mine every syllable dost sound as thine.

My ears deceived both, they sound alike.

From whence do you hail? Come take my hand-e!

I shall not, sir.

I am Prince of...

..Eng-land-e!

ODD ACCENT: Some magic trickery. How can this be?

MIMICKING ACCENT: His every feature doth mirror me.

Identical except in...BIRTH!

Same voice, same height,

same...GIRTH!

Our gestures knit, each hair in pla-ace-ay-ay-hey-hey-HEY-HEY-HEY!

AY-hey!

It is as if the devil stole my...

..fa-ace-ay-ay-hey-hey-HEY-HEY-HEY!

And I'm playing a tree? Seriously?

Bind this fellow, lock him away.

I shall to my father this very day.

Lower the bridge!

Argh!

Raise the bridge! Raise the bridge!

Ah... Lower the bridge!

Ah...

Push it up! Lift it! Push it up! Lift it up!

THEY SHOUT

Three, two, one, go!

KING SCREAMS

The battle won by England's merry throng.

Good Eric, toast their health and give a song!

MEDIEVAL TUNE PLAYS

Bonny Peggy Ramsay that any man may see

Bonny was her face Fair freckled was she

Hey, nonny, nonny Hey, nonny, nay!

With a slap of my thigh I will dance all the day!

ALL: With a slap of his thigh he will dance all the day!

Ooh!

THEY CLAMOUR

Argh! Argh!

There was a goose that was porked by a ham

I have a sausage, as I am a man

He has a sausage, as he is a man

The goose was in charge I drank to its health

Then I took off my trousers and showed it myself

He took off his trousers and showed it himself...

This is a most pleasing tune.

Oh, prithee, more. What happened to Bonny Peggy Ramsay?

Erm...

Bonny Peggy came back and what did she see?

The goose it was nude and laying with me

The goose it was nude and laying with he

It was the first time It shan't be the last

I put my sausage in the goose's...

Prithee, no more, Fool! That's... that's quite enough. Thank you.

What a charming diversion, Fool. More goose, my love?

No!

I have lost the taste for it, methinks.

Father!

What is the meaning of this?!

Upon our fighting in your name did I happen upon this man,

the very shadow of me.

Bless my soul.

Two sons now before me - mine own and this, his brother.

So you confess, this man is my kin? How came this to be so?

Alack, I must at last confess my sin.

Your mother was no strumpet but Queen Eleanor of France herself.

DRAMATIC GASP

Stop it.

Our kingdoms both at war,

you were born in secret, brought to be raised under mine eye,

whilst he, your twin, remained with her.

I hope that all shall now be healed,

at last this wicked truth revealed.

And fortune hath united you.

So you and I are brothers of both French and English blood.

To me.

So you and I are brothers of both French and English blood.

Father, at last our war can end.

Not to me.

Father, at last our war can end.

Yet some wounds be too deep to mend.

A blood moon rose, portending doom.

For foul and bloody murder loomed.

As the King retired to bed that night,

he did not know he'd seen his final light.

GONG CLANGS

AHHHH!

My father for his sins shall now atone.

Then I, Prince Richard...

WHISPERS: Dick...

..shall not share the throne.

A single drop of poison in thine ear will rob thee of thy health.

Approach I now in silence and in stealth.

THUD, SHATTERING

Come, subtle poison...

Come, subtle poison, do thy work.

SHRIEK

Sorry! Sorry!

The king is dead,

but I'll not bear the guilt.

I'll frame fair Louis, then run him to the hilt.

Treachery! Foul treachery!

What news is this?

The Frenchman Louis hath killed the king!

What ho?

The king is dead!

BELLS JINGLE

My father dead,

reluctant...

..I am king.

Now to the tower we shall this traitor bring. Guard!

My liege!

Take him away.

Yet foolish Richard knew not I was no guard.

I was the relevant trumpeter!

Robert!

Adieu.

Foul trickery, villainy. Thou art knaves!

Come, Eric, wake the castle, assemble the court!

All must hear of Louis' wicked sport.

My lord.

Aside. I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

No. It's an aside - say it to the side.

I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

No. To the side!

I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

I must betray this message to my Queen.

Go, then!

My Queen, I bid thee brace thyself for news most foul.

Prithee, tell me the cause of thy scowl.

Tarry a moment for, erm...for, erm...

..tis about the King.

Prithee, tell me.

Tis it about the king?

Yes. Methinks it is.

You bring me news of the King's health?

Methinks...

Methinks...the King is well.

Nope. The King is dead. Mm-hm.

Aye! The King is well dead.

But the worst is still to come for, er...er...

Speak, Fool!

Oh, it's the twist.

Ay! He was murdered by Chris.

Prithee, but who doth Chris play?

The King.

Nay. The king didn't kill the king, did he?

But he...he said he was the King... methinks.

Yes, well, he's the King now

but before he killed the King, who was he?

Chris. No! That's reality.

Join me in fiction...

In the play, who is Chris?

The director.

No! Which character?

Was't he Richard?

No. Yes, he was. I thought he was Louis.

No, he's Richard. They are twins.

But they don't look the same.

They're not... Why are you confused!

I don't even want to be in this scene.

Just... Look...

My goodly fool, my heart in pieces

tides thee submit gentle Malcolm hither.

What? Get Malcolm! Get Malcolm! Get Malcolm!

All right, all right, all right!

Oh, double joy, for now King Walter's dead,

his heir shall join when Malcolm kills Rich-ed.

Here.

No! Get the actor who, in the play, is Malcolm!

I'm so sorry.

Malcolm!

MUFFLED SPEECH

Now is the time to seize this power.

Richard and Louis must die this very hour.

MUFFLED: You speak the truth, m'lady. To the dungeon!

LOUD BANG, CRACKLING

MUFFLED SCREAMING

Oh, no! ELECTRICAL HUMMING

To the dungeons!

SCREAMING

I will stretch thee until thou canst no more.

Demon of hell, do thy worst.

SCREAMING

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooooh!

Oo-oooh! Wahey!

Go, torturer, leave this knave to me.

I shall to hell dispatch him presently.

My liege!

HISSES

Will thou unbind my hands so that I may pray?

Be quick.

Then I shall send thee on thy way.

With one swift strike, I set both of us free.

Thus with your death, my secret dies with thee.

CREAKING AND CLANKING

MUFFLED: Not so fast!

Well, Malcolm here has caught me unaware.

ELECTRICAL HUM

MUFFLED: No mercy, now your treachery is revealed.

Then let us fight.

And death to him who yields.

ELECTRICAL HUM

Oh, no!

MUFFLED SHOUTS

Prince Richard, struck by Malcolm's noble blade.

Argh!

Thus with this wound my plans are all unmade.

Guard! Take him away!

Oh...

Throw him in the darkest cell.

Thank you, sweet Malcolm. The day is saved and all is well!

One twin is defeated. Now strike the other down.

With them both gone, we two shall share the crown.

MUFFLED: Prepare to die!

Another traitor in this nest of snakes.

Let our blades decide our fates.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Thy sharp tongue harm me now.

Hya! Hya! Hya!

My blade doth pierce your back... and you fall.

TRIUMPHANT FANFARE

FANFARE CONTINUES

Malcolm is dead. Richard is in chains.

The crown does pass onto Louis' head.

Er...Louis is...dead.

So the crown shall now pass onto...

..Queen Isobel.

Argh!

No.

No...

The crown shall now pass onto...

BELLS JINGLE

No.

Oh, dear.

Er...

It seems all our characters are spent.

And, at last, the trumpeter...is relevant!

Execute Chris!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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