Original subtitles

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING. I PREFER TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS

AND I HANDLE PUBLIC RELATIONS FOR THE NFL. SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO SWITCH

JOBS, LET ME KNOW. NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT THE COMMISSIONER TO ADDRESS THIS

WEEK'S SCANDAL THIS IS NOT THE NFL DRAFT, BUT IT'S STILL OKAY TO BOO HIM

ROGER GOODELL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ BOOS ]

YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BOO. GOOD EVENING HI, I'M ROGER GOODELL.

WHEN YOU SEE ME ON TV, IT'S NEVER GOOD THIS TIME, ONE OF OUR COACHES IS

ACCUSED OF RACISM, MISOGYNY, AND HOMOPHOBIA BUT HEY, AT LEAST NO ONE'S

TALKING ABOUT CONCUSSIONS. I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE EMAILS SENT BY RAIDERS COACH

JON GRUDEN WERE HORRIFYING AND DEEPLY OFFENSIVE, ESPECIALLY TO ME

I WAS REFERRED TO AS THE F-WORD, THE P-WORD, THE C-WORD, THE R-WORD, THE F'ing R-WORD, THE

F'ing R-WORD P-WORD. ONCE, WEIRDLY, I WAS CALLED A DILL

THAT WAS KIND OF SWEET BUT I ASSURE YOU THA ALL 32 TEAMS UNDERSTAND THAT

DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH. AND I KNOW OUR BLACK COACHES WOULD AGREE, BOTH THEM

NOW COACH GRUDEN HAS ASKED TO SAY A FEW WORDS. I SAID, BAD IDEA

BUT HE GOT ON HIS KNEES AND BEGGED AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE TO SEE SOMEONE KNEELING

LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR COACH GRUDEN THANK YOU, ROGER.

I'M SORRY TO ALL THE RAIDERS FANS OUT THERE HOPE YOU WON'T JUDGE ME ON ONE

EMAIL I SENT 10 YEARS AGO, OR THE 20 EMAILS I SENT LAST TUESDAY.

I PROMISE I DON'T HAVE A RACIST BONE IN MY BODY. WHEN A CALLED AN AFRICAN

AMERICAN PLAYER DARK E THAN A SKY WITH NO STARS, I PROMISE YOU, THAT WAS IN NO WAY

RACIAL THAT WAS REFERRING TO HIS SENSE OF HUMOR, WHICH IS EXTREMELY

DARK AND EDGY. BUT THAT SHOW "LOUIE"ON FX - HEY WHEN'S THE NEXT SEASON

COMING OUT I ALSO CALLED THE COMMISSIONER THE GAY F-WORD LIKE A HUNDRED

TIMES. NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A STRETCH BUT IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN BURNED

BY AUTO CORRECT. HEAR ME OUT. SEE, I'M A BIT OF A NAVAL BUFF

AND I OFTEN SEND MY FRIENDS EMAILS ABOUT FRIGATES, WHICH ARE WARSHIPS

I'LL SAY, LOOK AT THAT FLAMING FRIGATE! THAT'S WHEN A WARSHIP'S ON FIRE.

OR THAT DUMBASS FRIGATE CAN S MY D. THAT'S ABOUT A WARSHIP

PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANOTHER WARSHIP. YOU GET IT

MY POINT IS, I NEVER MEANT TO HURT ANYONE. I MEANT TO HURT THEM SECRETLY

BEHIND THEIR BACKS APPEARANCES MATTER, SO I'LL TURN IT OVER TO A GUY WHO'S ALL ABOUT

APPEARANCES, THE RAIDERS OWNER MARK DAVIS HI, FOLKS

MARK DAVIS HERE. AS MY PLAYERS CALL ME, THE BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION

NO, NO OK LOOK

GUYS, WHAT COACH GRUDEN WROTE WAS DISGRACEFUL. WE NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB

WE NEED TO, AS I TELL MY BARBER, AIM HIGHER AND TRUST ME, I'VE HEARD ALL THE

JOKES ABOUT MY HAIR AND HOW IT LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP'S HAIRCUT GAVE ME A HAIRCUT.

BUT WE'RE MAKING THIS RIGHT AND MOVING ON. SO I'M GOING TO TURN IT OVER T

OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LARRY "DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS" RUCKER. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

HEY, GUYS. IT'S AN HONOR TO TAKE OVER THIS STORIED FRANCHISE.

AND A REAL SHAME THAT I HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY RESIGN THEY JUST FOUND MY EMAILS TOO,

AND THEY ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE OLD COACH'S. I PUT THE F-WORD IN THE SUBJECT

LINE I STARTED AN EMAIL CHAIN CALLED "LET'S RANK THE RACES" AND I

RESPONDED TO ALL OF COACH GRUDEN'S EMAILS, LOL, THIS IS SO TRUE AND FUNNY, YOU THE MAN,

GRUDEN ANYWAY, THANK YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO JOINING

ESPN IN THREE MONTHS OKAY, HI, EVERYONE! HI

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I WAS THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER FIVE

MINUTES AGO. THEN SOMEONE JUST PUSHED ME ON STAGE AND WHISPERED, YOU THE

COACH NOW! SO LET ME SAY THIS LAS VEGAS WILL NOT TOLERATE

MISOGYNY OF ANY KIND NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL. I WILL VOUCH FOR THE ENTIRE CITY

ON THAT. ALSO, I'M RESIGNING IMMEDIATELY. I SEE REPORTERS DIGGING THROUGH

MY OLD TWEETS, AND THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR ME. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP

AS JACKIE CHAN FOR HALLOWEEN BUT 2019 WAS A DIFFERENT ERA THANK YOU, AND I'LL THROW IT

OVER TO THE NEW CHAIRMAN OF WOMEN'S RELATIONS FOR THE NFL, A CHEERLEADER FOR THE WASHINGTON

FOOTBALL TEAM. THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I LIKE MY TEAM DON'T HAVE A NAME I WANT TO SAY, THE E-MAILS JON

GRUDEN SENT TO OUR ORGANIZATION DO NOT REFLECT THE VALUES OF OUR TEAM, A TEAM THAT UNTIL A YEAR

AGO WAS CALLED THE REDSKINS. I ALSO WANT TO THANK TO WOMEN WHO FELT OFFEND BY THE E-MAILS

LIGHTEN UP THEY'RE FUNNY. IT WAS A NAME OF THE FIRST

FEMALE REFEREE AND SHE WAS THINKING, WAIT A MINUTE, THIS ISN'T MY KITCHEN

THAT'S FUNNY JUST RELAX NOW TO SOOTHE EVERYTHING OVER

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR MASCOT WE'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS

CHLG WE'RE USING WHITE STEREOTYPES. PLEASE WELCOME GIUSEPPE, THE

STIPGY ITALIAN HEY WHAT'S THAT SPICY FOOD IS ALL

ABOUT. ITALIANS MAKING THE MEET BALLS AND DOING A PIZZA.

I SO SORRY, I CANNOT DO THIS THIS DON'T FEEL RIGHT. SPEAKING OF NOT RIGHT, HI,

I'M COLIN KAEPERNICK REMEMBER ME? SO MUCH STUFF COMING OUT ABOUT

THE NFL MAYBE RACIST, KIND OF. HUH. I WONDER IF ANYBODY TRIED TO

WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BEFORE. I'M SCRATCHING MY HEAD TRYING TO REMEMBER WHO SAID THAT

SCRATCH, SCRATCH IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT'S THE REASON THEY BANNED ME FROM THE

LEAGUE I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT WAS JUST YOUR WEIRD

HAIR CUT BUT GOOD NEWS. I THINK WE MAY HAVE FOUND A

SOLUTION THAT MAKES EVERYONE HAPPY. SOMEONE EVEN TWITTER CAN GET

BEHIND INTRODUCING OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LAVAR BURTON

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SUCK IT, MAYIM BIALIK. I AM THE SUPREME FOOTBALL HOST

NOW. I WILL TAKE OFFENSE FOR 300. WHAT IS A HANDOFF?

I'M GENUINELY ASKING I'M A THEATER KID, COME ON HA HA HA!

SO YEAH, I THINK THE NFL IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE. TAKE US OUT, LEVAR

* FIELD GOAL IN THE SKY I AM THE HEAD COACH GU JUST TAKE A LOOK IN TH

PLAYBOOK * * WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBAL WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL

FEEL LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL * AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT

MUSICAL GUEST: YOUNG THUG. AND YOUR HOST, RAMI MALEK!

RAMI MALEK * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, EVERYONE. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE

MY NAME IS RAMI MALEK AND I'M HONORED TO BE STANDING ON THIS STAGE.

YOU KNOW, I PLAYED A LOT OF DRAMATIC ROLES IN MY CAREER. MOST RECENTLY THE NEW BOND

VILLAIN. BUT I DON'T USUALLY DO COMEDY. YEAH, I TEND TO PLAY THESE

REALLY INTENSE CHARACTERS, WHICH MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, BECAUSE PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE WHAT'S

CALLED "ARRESTING VILLAIN FACE." LIKE THIS IS ME TOTALLY NEUTRAL. AND I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WOULD

RATHER PLAY THE HERO BUT WEIRDLY, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MORE DRAWN TO VILLAINS

I SYMPATHIZE WITH THEM, YOU KNOW IN "LION KING.

I'M TEAM SCAR. I ACTUALLY FOUND SIMBA TO BE KIND OF ANNOYING

YOU WANT TO BE KING? YOU'RE LIKE 3 YEARS OLD. RELAX!

AND IN "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS." I'M ALWAYS LIKE, THAT POOR HANNIBAL

THAT LADY JUST KEEPS COMING IN AND ASKING HIM ALL THESE QUESTIONS.

IT'S LIKE, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE, CLARICE! I THINK A LOT OF VILLAINS ARE

JUST MISUNDERSTOOD FOR EXAMPLE, JAWS, HUNGRY. DRACULA, THIRSTY

FRANKENSTEIN, HORNY. I CAN KEEP GOING DARTH VADER, IS JUST TRYING TO

RECONNECT WITH HIS SON FREDDIE KRUGER, ENCOURAGING KIDS TO DREAM

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NICE TO SEE VILLAINS FINALLY GETTING SOME RESPECT

DISNEY'S EVEN MADE MOVIES WHERE THE VILLAIN'S NAME'S ARE IN THE TITLE.

"CRUELLA." "MALEFICENT. "BAMBI."

BUT HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY TO PLAY THE VILLAIN. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN MOVIES

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE MY LIFE I'M THE SON OF EGYPTIAN

IMMIGRANTS AND I HAD KIND OF A SHELTERED CHILDHOOD.

IT WAS SO SHELTERED, I GREW UP IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IN L.A., BUT SOMEHOW I HAD NO IDEA

THAT I LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO HOLLYWOOD. SERIOUSLY, AS A KID.

I DREAMED OF GOING TO THE WALK OF FAME, THE SUNSET STRIP. I TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS A MILLION

MILES AWAY IT WAS A 10-MINUTE DRIVE WELL, IT'S THREE HOURS WITH

TRAFFIC. BUT IT WAS GREAT I LOVED GROWING UP THERE WITH MY

FAMILY, MY MOM, MY DAD, MY SISTER, AND MY TWIN BROTHER. YES.

YES, I GOT A TWIN BROTHER. AND YES, HE WILL BE SWAPPING PLACES WITH ME IN ONE SKETCH

TONIGHT. AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE. IT MIGHT EVEN BE RIGHT NOW

NO, I'M KIDDING. IT'S ME. RAMI

OR IS IT NO, NO, IT IS. BUT REALLY, THIS IS SUCH A

SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME BOTH OF MY SIBLINGS ARE HERE AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM

MY BROTHER'S A TEACHER, MY SISTER'S AN E.R. DOCTOR. THEY ARE TRULY INCREDIBLE

PEOPLE AND THEY HAVE DEVOTED THEIR LIVES TO HELPING OTHERS.

BUT I HAVE AN OSCAR, SO. KIND OF EVEN WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT! YOUNG THUG IS HERE SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK * CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *

MED HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME I'M PRINCIPAL CARTER

IT'S A BIG DAY HERE AT WEYMOUTH LOWER SCHOOL, THE BUG ASSEMBLY MS. MIDAS'S CLASS WILL PRESENT

THEIRBUGS TO THE ENTIRE STUDEN BODY AND THEY ARE EXCITED, SORT OF

LIKE BURNING MAN FOR WEIRD KIDS. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, BUGS. I'M A PRAYING MANTIS, BUT NOT

RELIGIOUS. I PREY ON PESTS IN THE GARDEN. I'M A LADYBUG

I CAN HAVE UP TO 20 SPOTS, AND THAT'S A LOT I'M A STINKBUG.

MY NASTY ODOR PROTECTS ME FROM PREDATORS. AND I'M DADDY LONG LEGS

GREAT WELL YOUR COSTUMES ALL LOOK TERRIFIC.

LOOKING FORWARD TO LEARNING A BIT MORE LET'S HEAR ABOUT YOUR DIETS

WELL, I EAT WEEDS AND GRASSES, BUT NOT THE KIND YOU'RE THINKING

DON'T GET ME IN TROUBLE. I EAT BUGS, AND IN MY LIFE I CAN EAT UP TO 5,000.

AND THAT'S A LOT AND WHAT DOES DADDY LONG LEGS EAT?

BOYS, BOYS, BOYS OKAY. RUSSELL?

CALL ME DADDY OKAY. DADDY.

I APPRECIATE THE CREATIVITY, BUT I'D LOVE TO KNOW SOME MORE ABOUT YOUR INSECT.

IT'S ALL IN THE NAME. I'M A FATHER, AND MY LEGS GO ALL ON FOR WEEKS

OK. AND DADDY.

I DON'T WANT THAT FROM YOU. OKAY, RUSSELL CAN YOU SAY ANY SCIENCE FACTS

ABOUT YOURSELF SURE. I'M HOT, I PARTY, I WALK INTO

THE ROOM, AND I AM RESPECTED NO MORE QUESTIONS! RUSSELL, YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU

WERE ABOUT TO DO A DEATH DROP, BUT THEN YOU STOPPED I GOT SCARED.

I'VE ONLY DONE IT ONCE, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SPLIT MY ASS OPEN IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES

THERE ARE NO JUDGES YEAH, WHAT IS THIS KID'S DEAL

HIS DAD IS AN EXEC AT BRAVO, HIS OTHER DAD IS A REPUBLICAN. HONESTLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

I'VE EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK. OH, GOT IT. I GOT TO SAY THIS FEELS KIND

OF UNFAIR. HE'S NAMED AFTER HIS LEGS AND I'M NAMED AFTER STINK.

HONESTLY, JOHNNY, OUT OF ALL THE SEVENTH GRADE BOYS, YOU SMELL REALLY GOOD.

THANKS, KEV ALSO, I COULD HAVE SWORN RUSSELL WAS ASSIGNED A

COCKROACH. IT WASN'T A FIT GUYS, LET'S STAY ON TRACK

DO YOU BUGS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR EACH OTHER I DO.

HOW DOES THE DADDY LONG LEGS TRACK ITS PREY. I SLAM DOWN BY CREDIT CARD ON

GROUND AND SAY, "DADDY'S GOT IT." WHY ISN'T THERE A MOMMY LONG

LEGS SHUT THE HELL UP, GET HER OUT OF HERE NOW!

I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT OKAY, OKAY, DAISY, TAKE A TIME OUT

I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER LATER, BITCH. WHO IS HE POINTING TO

I DON'T KNOW. IS HE PLAYING CHARADES OKAY, YOU.

DADDY LONG LEGS. I GOT IT ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE OF THE COOL

THINGS ABOUT TODAY IS THAT WE CAN SEE HOW DIFFERENT BUGS INTERACT

SINCE YOU'RE SUCH AN ARTISTIC BUNCH, LET'S SEE HOW DADDY LONG LEGS AND STINK BUGS MIGHT EXIST

IN NATURE. AND GO HI, MR. LONG LEGS, I'M A

STINKBUG IT'S BEEN AWHILE. YOU LOOK WORSE

WHO LET YOU IN WHAT? OH, STINKBUG, I'VE MISSED

YOU. I WANT YOUR STINK BACK IN MY LIFE

LET'S GET REMARRIED. OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH I GUESS WE LET THAT GO ON FOR A

LITTLE BIT OF A WHILE. I KIND OF GOT LOST IN IT THE TEAMWORK WAS PRETTY DAMN

GOOD YOU KNOW, RUSSELL ISN'T THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO CAN DO COOL

STUFF. I CAN, TOO I HAVE CHARISMA.

WELL -- * MY NAME IS STINKY AND I'M HERE TO SA

I EMIT ODO IN A STINKY WAY * JOHNNY, THAT WAS AMAZING.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT MY DAD'S AN EXECUTIVE AT BRAVO.

WE'RE GETTING YOU A SHOW WOW, RUSSELL, REALLY? THAT'S AMAZING

THEN WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE, ALL OF US, TONIGHT AND REMEMBER, DADDY'S GOT IT

* DON'T GOT A LOT OF MONEY * DRIVE A RUSTED OUT CHEVY * I JUST GOT LAID OFF

* BAR TAB AND I PAID OFF. * MY EX-WIFE HATES ME EVEN HAD TO SELL MY PUPPY *

* YEAH SO BROKE IT'S A DAMN SHAM GUESS I GOTTA PLAY

THE SQUID GAME * * YEAH I GOTTA PLAY THE SQUID GAME

MY ONLY OPTION I THE SQUID GAME * * I HAVE A NUMBER

NOT A REAL NAM 'CAUSE I'M PLAYING IN THE SQUID GAME *

* WEIRD CARDS PINK GUARD LOCKED US IN A BIG ROOM *

* THEY'VE GOT SYMBOLS ON THEIR FACES LIKE ONES ON PLAYSTATION *

* AND THE MAIN GU LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR WHO * * BUNK BEDS, NEW FRIEND

PIGGY BANK UP IN THE SKY THERE'S A ROBOT GIRL WHO CAUGHT ME RUNNING *

* BETTER DUCK BEHIN THE NEAREST GUY * WAIT WHAT

* YELLING AT ME IN KOREAN AND NOTHING IS TRANSLATE BROKE MY COOKI

AND I GOT ELIMINATED * * GOT A CRAZY GIRLFRIEN THINK SHE MIGH

HAVE STABBED ME * * AFTER I WAS HIT THEY TOOK MY EYEBALL

AND MY KIDNEY * * THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SQUID GAME *

* PEOPLE DIE IN THE RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT.

* THAT'S THE WAY YOU PLAY THE SQUID GAME * RED LIGHT

GREEN LIGHT. * THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SQUID GAME *

* 45 MILLION WO THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MONE AT LEAST I THINK IT IS *

* I'M CONFUSE BY THE CURRENCY * * ANYWAY I'M ON

A GLASS BRIDGE AND I THINK I'M GONNA WIN * * HEY LOOK IT'S MY FRIEND PET

AND YOU GO BYE-BYE NOW * * HEY I JUST WO THE SQUID GAME

KILLED ALL MY FRIEND IN THE SQUID GAME * * MY BODY IS COMPLETELY MAIME

WHY THE HELL'D I PLAY THE SQUID GAME * * SO I WENT BAC

TO MY HOMETOWN GOT A COOL RED HAIRCUT * * GONNA LIVE MY LIF

BETTER NOW I'VE GROWN IN SO MANY WAYS * * THEN ONE DA

I GOT MORE THEN I TOOK ALL MY MONEY AND I BET IT ON THE JETS *

* GOING BACK TO THE SQUID GAM I'M TERRIBLE WITH MONE THE GUARDS THINK

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY * * THAT I'M BACK IN THE SQUID GAME *

HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. * THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SQUID GAME *

WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A TOUGH CHOICE ON OUR HANDS. I KNOW.

I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS DECISION TO BE SO DIFFICULT. WHAT DO YOU THINK, JORDAN PEELE?

I STILL CAN'T DECIDE, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY BETWEEN THE LAST TWO, AGREED.

FOR SURE. YES, DEFINITELY UH-HUH.

YOU KNOW? WHY DON'T WE BRING HIM BACK IN CAN YOU ACCEPTED IN OUR LAST

TWO AUDITIONERS? WOW. THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU GUYS ARE BY FAR OUR TOP TWO CHOICES TO PLAY PRINCE IN MY NEW BIO

WE CAN ONLY PICK ONE. OF COURSE RIGHT, RIGHT.

THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO HAVE A PRINCIPLES-OFF. WHAT IS A PRINCE AFTER OFF?

YES, I'LL CALL OUT SOME RANDOM SCENES FROM THE SCRIPT. AND YOU TWO WILL GIVE ME YOUR

ABSOLUTE BEST PRINCE PERFORMANCE. AT THE SAME TIME

I CAN DO THAT ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME PRINCE DOING A FUNKY LICK ON THE

GUITAR ACTION *

GOOD, GOOD. NOW, SHOW ME PRINCE GETTING PELTED IN THE LEGS WITH A

FOOTBALL * GOOD.

NOW DO PRINCE STEPPING ON A LEGO *

WOW, GREAT. PRINCE IS WITH HIS LOVER AND DID THAT PREMATURELY

WOW, GREAT. GREAT, GREAT. NOW PRINCE GETS IN THE SHOWER

AND THE WATER'S TOO HOT. * LET'S SEE PRINCE GET SHOT IN

THE STOMACH. * OKAY, PRINCE GETS A COVID

TEST BUT THEY GO UP TOO FAR. * NOW PRINCE REALIZES HIS

VIRGIN PINA COLADA ISN'T VIRGIN. * AND CUT

WOW. HOW DO WE CHOOSE WOW, I DON'T KNOW

SHOOTING STARTS TOMORROW SO, IS IT GOING TO BE RAMI MALEK OR KENAN THOMPSON

I MEAN, RAMI, YOU ALREADY WON AN OSCAR YES, THAT IS CORRECT.

BUT YOU ARE BLACK AND RAMI IS NOT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH

WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR. I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN CAST A WHITE GUY TO PLAY

PRINCE IN MY MOVIE OH, NO, NO, BUT MY PARENTS ARE FROM EGYPT AND THAT'S IN

AFRICA COME ON, MAN. DON'T DO THAT, UH-UH.

OKAY. WELL, DOESN'T PRINCE TRANSCEND RACE

NOT IN THIS MOVIE, NO YOU SEE THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED TWIST IN THIS JORDAN PEELE

MOVIE. THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU SEE, IT STARTS OFF AS A

PRINCE BIO-PIC BUT THEN -- IT TURNS INTO A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT RACISM

DAMMIT, LUCKY GUESS ANYWAY, KENAN, YOU HAVE THE PART

HOORAY! OH, THIS IS BULL CRAP AM I TOO LATE

AM I TOO LATE FOR THE AUDITION FOR THE PRINCE SORRY, DANIEL CRAIG

AND THE AUDITION IS NOT FOR THE PRINCE IT'S FOR PRINCE, THE SINGER.

UH-HUH. DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT? YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS A

HORROR MOVIE THAT WAS ABOUT RACISM I'M HERE NOW, CAN I AT LEAST

TRY? YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A GUITAR

FINE, SHOW ME PRINCE SEEING AN ADORABLE DOG. *

BUT THEN IT BITES HIM * OKAY.

SO HE KICKS IT AND MISSES. * HEY, HEY, GET OFF ME,

DOUBLE O - HOW WAS THAT? BAD

BUT YOU'RE JAMES BOND, SO YOU GOT THE PART *

HELLO, FOLKS WELCOME TO "CELEB SCHOOL." I'M YOUR HOST, BERT SIMPSON.

BERT SIMPSON AND YOU KNOW THE GAME. TWO CONTESTANTS TRY TO WIN

$10,000 WITH HELP FROM OUR CLASSROOM OF CELEBS. PLAYING TODAY ARE TRISHELLE AND

RYAN NOW, LET'S MEET OUR CELEBRITY STUDENTS

WAIT, ARE WE NOT GOING TO DO INTRO BANTER OH, NO, YOU TWO ARE BORING.

ALL RIGHT, FROM "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," IT'S JOHN OLIVER GAME SHOWS.

AMERICA'S DIRTY LITTLE OBSESSION. "GET ME MORE GAME SHOWS, DADDY,

MORE, PLEASE." OKAY. FROM "WHITE LOTUS,"

JENNIFER COOLIDGE. OH, GEEZ! WHY AM I HERE?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, GOSH. NEXT, AN ACTOR WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS LIKE IT'S BEEN CHANGED TO

PROTECT HIS IDENTITY, ADAM DRIVER. HELLO

EXCITING TO BE HERE. COULD HAVE FOOLED ME. ALL RIGHT, WE'VE ALSO GOT FUNNY

LADY, KRISTEN WIIG HEY, HEY! HEY, MISTER HOST MAN

DUMB DUMB WHY DID I SAY THAT

AND STAR TREK LEGEND, GEORGE TAKEI HELLO

WELL. GEORGE, I GOT TO ASK ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT?

THAT DEPENDS ON HOW BAD YOU WANT IT. OH, VERY BAD.

OH, MY. THERE IT IS ALL RIGHT.

NEXT TO HIM WE HAVE RAPPER, LIL WAYNE. I LIKE TO VIBE OUT.

IT'S A LONG GAME, WEEZY ALL RIGHT, AND THE STAR OF "NO TIME TO DIE," ACTOR, RAMI MALEK!

ALL RIGHT. AND FINALLY, FROM "SNL," PETE DAVIDSON.

WHAT UP WHAT UP, YO? DO I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO

RAMI MALEK HIS EYES ARE FREAKING ME OUT STOP STARING AT ME, DUDE

I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT PEOPLE SAY WE LOOK ALIKE MAYBE.

NO SEE IT. MAYBE IF I LOOK A LITTLE LONGER. NO, DUDE.

OKAY. RYAN, TRISHELLE, YOU KNOW HOW THE GAME WORKS

I GIVE YOU A SUBJECT, AND YOU CALL ON THE CELEBRITY STUDENT YOU THINK WILL KNOW THE ANSWER

RYAN, YOU'RE UP FIRST. YOUR SUBJECT IS -- GEOGRAPHY OKAY, WELL HE HAS AN ACCENT

AND GLASSES, WHICH MEANS, HE GOTTA BE SMART I CALL ON JOHN OLIVER.

ALL RIGHT, JOHN OLIVER. SWEDEN IS BORDERED BY NORWAY AND WHICH OTHER COUNTRY?

WELL, YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT SWEDEN WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IKEA

HOME O SKETCHY FURNITURE AND EVEN SKETCHIER MEATBALLS.

THEY'RE NOT BEEF BAD IKEA BAD IKEA

OKAY, JOHN, YOUR RANT, THOUGH AMUSING, CONTAINED NO ANSWER AND PLEASE, NO MORE OVER THE

SHOULDER GRAPHICS. ALL RIGHT, TRISHELLE, YOU CAN STEAL.

OKAY, I'LL CALL ON JENNIFER COOLIDGE. OH, GEEZ.

BAD CHOICE, SWEETHEART I WAS ONLY IN EUROPE ONCE. I DRANK TOO MUCH, I PASSED OUT

IN A SAUNA LIKE A DUMBASS. OH, WHERE WAS I? FINLAND?

THAT IS CORRECT WOW, TRISHELLE TAKES THAT POINT. OKAY, NEXT, LET'S -- HEY, HEY,

HEY! STOP WITH THE PAPER AIRPLANES, KRISTEN WIGG

I DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU THINK I THREW IT

BECAUSE -- BECAUSE YOU'RE HALF GIGGLING, AND I SAW YOU THROW IT

I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST BEING WEIRD. SORRY.

I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN, THOUGH. IS THAT BAD? YES

OKAY TRISHELLE, YOUR SUBJECT IS -- HISTORY.

I DON'T THINK HE'LL KNOW THE ANSWER, BECAUSE HE'S DEFINITELY HIGH AS HELL

BUT I'M A BIG FAN, SO I'M GONNA CALL ON WEEZY. YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE

PUZZLE "WHAT IS THAT BIG FATASS?" ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT

"WHEEL OF FORTUNE. NOR IS IT "JEOPARDY!." ARE YOU READY FOR THE QUESTION,

LIL WAYNE? AND HE'S GONE. OKAY

DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE HE WENT? RAMI MALEK, DID YOU SEE WHERE WEEZY WENT

NO. I'VE BEEN STARING AT PETE DAVIDSON

PLEASE, JUST MAKE HIM STOP. IT'S LIKE HIS SOUL, HE'S LIKE -- HE'S GOT THE SOUL OF A VICTORIAN

CHILD TRAPPED IN HIS EYES. YEAH. YOU'RE NOT WRONG, PETE

OKAY TRISHELLE, SECOND CHOICE I'LL CALL ON PETE DAVIDSON.

PASS. YOU CAN'T PASS, PETE. ALL RIGHT, YOUR QUESTION --

WHICH REVOLUTIONARY WAR BATTLE WAS FOUGHT IN YOUR HOMETOWN, NEW YORK CITY?

I MEAN, HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL IN

STATEN ISLAND. ALL OF OUR CLASSES WERE TO PREPARE US TO BE FIREFIGHTERS

AND RACIST COPS. OH, MY. GEORGE, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

I NEED AN ANSWER, PETE I DON'T KNOW. CAN I JUST GIVE TRISHELLE

$10,000 AFTER THE SHOW I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE EASIER NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS.

OKAY, RYAN, YOUR CHANCE TO STEAL. OKAY, LET'S GO WITH

ADAM DRIVER. GOOD. YES.

LET'S HAVE FUN PLAYING THE GAME. OKAY, ADAM WHICH REVOLUTIONARY BATTLE WAS

FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY? I DON'T KNOW, SO I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION

CALM DOWN ANY OF OUR OTHER CELEBS THINK THEY KNOW?

OH, GEORGE TAKEI HAS HIS HAND UP YOU GOT AN ANSWER?

NO, I HAVE A QUESTION WHY DID WILLIAM SHATNER GET TO GO TO SPACE AND NOT ME

LET SULU GO TO THE MOON. I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT UP TO ME, GEORGE

AND NOT THAT ANYONE CARES, BUT THE ANSWER WAS BROOKLYN. THE BATTLE OF BROOKLYN WAS

FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY. YEAH, WHERE THE PLANE GO AT THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"

WEEZY. OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK

COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" WEEZY.

OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUNG THUG

* OKAY I JUST WOKE UP IN AN ANIMAL I JUST WOKE UP IN A LAMBO'

FLAWLESS BAGUETTES AND * * THE ORANGE RICHAR I JUST HAD BUST DOWN

A CANTALOUPE WANT BEEF AND * * I'M TRYNA BE VEGA

BUT IT BAE BRING A CAN OF SMOKE I CAN'T SEE IN *

* THE GLASSES STORE SLIDIN' IN THE COUPE IN THE BAC

SMOKE OUT THE BAG * * TOO BIG FOR A SAC DO YOU SEE HER BABY HAIR

GROWING DOWN HER BAC SHAWTY LOOK JUST LIK A TWO-YEAR-OLD BRAT *

* JUST LIKE A RECOR GET SCRATCHE Y'ALL RATS DISPATC

I GOT FOUR BLACKS * * IN HER BACK I'M DAD PLAYER WHERE YOU FRO

TALK 'BOUT THE TRENCHE I CAME OUT THE TRENCHES * * I CAME FROM THE ROACHES

I CAME FROM THE RICHES I'M FROM WHERE THEY CALL YOU A RAT IF YOU SNITCHIN' *

* I CAME FROM THE SAM STREET AS THE PIMP I I'M RAISED BY THEM JUNKIES

WE SLEEP WITH THEM * * YOUNG CAME FROM NOTHIN' HE'LL GIVE UP HIS KIDNEY

BUT SAINT LAURENT STILL TRYN CEASE-AND-DESIST IT WOO * * SAY, "HOW DO YOU KEEP

UP WITH MILLIONS I'M STRAIGHT OUT THE TRENCHES WOO *

* SAY LET GO THEY WE TREATIN' THEM RIGHT AND WE GRANTIN' THEY WISHES WO

I WAS A CAPO IN MY * * HOOD WAY 'FORE PLAQUE OR A MENTIO

HE CAN GET HIT WIT THE 'STENSION * * SHOT FOR THE FO

BUT I MISSED I TICK TOCK TICK TOC TEN SHOTS TO YOUR SIDE *

* LIKE TICK TOC WHEN I BOW DOWN TO M IT COME WITH A BIG ROC

DO YOU WAN' KNOW HOW IT IS * * WHEN YOU A BIG DAWG YOU MIGHT GOT TO

YOU MIGHT GOT TO TAKE THE ASSIS LET YOUR DAWG GET *

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE THANK YOU GOOD EVENING

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S CLIMATE PLAN IS LIKELY TO BE DROPPED FROM THE BUDGET BILL

AFTER SENATOR JOE MANCHIN REFUSED TO SUPPORT IT. I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME BAD

CLIMATE NEWS RUIN THIS BEAUTIFUL 80 DEGREE OCTOBER DAY. MANCHIN, WHO'S FROM WEST

VIRGINIA, SAID HE WOULD ONLY AGREE TO BIDEN'S BILL IF IT CUTS CLEAN ENERGY AND OFFICIALLY

MAKES COAL ONE OF THE FIVE FOOD GROUPS A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT

PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON AVERAGE 22 MINUTES LATE FOR PUBLIC EVENTS

WORSE, HE ONLY DOES IT TO APPEAL TO BLACK VOTERS. THE BROOKLYN NETS HAVE

BENCHED STAR PLAYER KYRIE IRVING FROM THE TEAM UNTIL HE'S FINALLY VACCINATED

AND AS A NEW YORK SPORTS FAN I HOPE THIS DECISION FINALLY FORCES KYRIE TO DO THE RIGHT

THING AND BUY A FAKE VACCINATION CARD LOGISTICAL DELAYS CAUSED BY

WORKER SHORTAGES AND COVID OUTBREAKS HAVE DOUBLED THE TIME IT TAKES FOR SOME PRODUCTS TO

GET FROM ASIA TO THE U.S THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT COULD WE USE BATS?

'CAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY PUT SOMETHING IN BATS, IT GOT EVERYWHERE REAL QUICK.

OH, YOU'RE PRO-BAT HERE? OKAY TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY

PETE BUTTIGIEG IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR REMAINING ON PATERNITY LEAVE WITH HIS HUSBAND

AND CHILD WHILE SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS THREATEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON.

SAID CONSERVATIVES, SEE, YOU LET GAY COUPLES HAVE KIDS AND GOD CANCELS CHRISTMAS.

A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT CORONAVIRUS CAN CAUSE INFERTILITY IN MEN

SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO ME ON THAT

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO ME ON THAT BUT, OKAY.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE JUDGED BY THEIR OLD E-MAILS? IF YOU COULD SEE HALF THE

E-MAILS CHE SENDS ME ACTUALLY, I'LL SHOW YOU ONE. THE SUBLINE IS LISTEN UP, HONKY.

THEN THE BODY OF THE E-MAIL JUST SAYS I WISH THEY GOT YOU INSTEAD OF HARAMBO

SO YOU DID GET THAT ONE COLIN KAEPERNICK REVEALED THAT HE HAS MAINTAINED HIS

5:00 A.M. TRAINING REGIMEN IN CASE HE GETS CALLED BACK UP TO THE NFL.

BUT THE GIANTS ARE STILL GOING TO STICK WITH THEIR CURRENT QUARTERBACK, A SCARECROW ON A

ROOMBA A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

AS WILLY WONKA IN AN UPCOMING PREQUEL TO "CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY" WENT VIRAL

THIS WEEK WITH MANY ON SOCIAL MEDIA CALLING HIM A TWINK WILLY WONKA.

HERE TO COMMENT IS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA HEY

HI OKAY, WAIT HOW DID YOU JUST INTRODUCE ME?

AS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA OH MY GOD, THANK YOU. I'M SORRY, IS THAT NOT

CORRECT? NO, NO, IT'S CORRECT, YOU JUST OUTED ME ON NATIONAL

TELEVISION OH MY GOD - DON'T GET MAD, IT'S FINE.

I CAME HERE TO MAKE A STATEMENT ON OUR IMPENDING FACTORY STRIKE. BUT NOW I GUESS I GOT TO CALL MY

PARENTS. WHEN DOES THIS AIR OH, IT'S LIVE

IT'S LIVE OKAY WOW.

I SHOULD PROBABLY READ MY THING, OKAY WELL, WITH ALL THE RECENT

COVERAGE OF AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WONKA IS SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS, WHAT'S NOT SO

SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS ARE THE UNSAFE WORKING COMPANIES THAT HIS WORKERS -- OH, BOY

ARE YOU OKAY? SORRY, I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW MY PARENTS SAW THAT MY

PHONE BACKGROUND AS PICTURE OF LAURA DERN, AND I LET THEM THINK SHE'S MY WIFE.

THEY'RE NOT NEGATIVE THEY LIVE IN LOOMPA LAND, THEY JUST GOT "WILL & GRACE."

IT'S GOING TO BE A CONVERSATION. WE CAN STOP IF YOU WANT NO, IT'S FINE

THIS TWING WONKA OR TWONKA, MA LOOK AS YUMMY AS LICKABLE WALLPAPER.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN -- ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO GO OFF

SCRIPT BECAUSE A CLOSETED PERSON WROTE THIS POINT BLANK, THE MAN DON'T KNOW

HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE, OKAY? HE'S A VISIONARY WHO'S NEVER TOUCHED A MACHINE, HE JUST

TUMBLES INTO THE INVENTING ROOM AND SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT A SODA THAT MAKES YOU

FLY? MEANWHILE WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT REHEARSING THE LITTLE SONG AND

DANCE WE DO WHEN A CHILD DIES. THE WHOLE THING IS SICK. MAN

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEW WONKA I'M SORRY, DO I JUST -- GIVE

OFF A GAY VIBE OR SOMETHING? LIKE WHAT ABOUT THIS SEEMS GAY TO YOU

I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR OKAY.

AND YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE SHOWER LIKE THAT WITH YOURS? OKAY.

OKAY, WOW, I'M BEING A BITCH. HONKSLY, IT DOES FEEL NICE TO BE OUT.

NOW THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET, MAYBE YOU CAN COME OUT, TOO, COLIN.

OH, NO, I'M NOT GAY. SORRY, GIRLS, I TRIED A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA,

EVERYONE EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026, EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,

"NOT SO FAST," SAID PORN HUB DC COMICS ANNOUNCED THE NEW SUPERMAN WILL BE BISEXUAL.

THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT THE RIDDLER HAS ALWAYS BEEN DOWN FOR WHATEVER

A CALIFORNIA RANCH, ONCE OWNED BY RONALD REAGAN, IS BEING THREATENED BY A LARGE WILDFIRE

CREWS ARE HOPING TO PUT OUT THE BLAZE BY POURING WATER ONTO A NEARBY HILL AND HOPING IT

TRICKLES DOWN. ECONOMICS AN ECONOMIC JOKE

MUSIC COMMENTATORS ARE NOTING THAT UPCOMING RELEASES FROM TAYLOR SWIFT AND ADELE

SIGNAL A SHIFT IN THE INDUSTRY FROM HOT GIRL SUMMER TO SAD GIRL AUTUMN

AUTUMN WHICH IS FOLLOWED AS ALWAYS BY MESSY DIVA CHRISTMAS

THEY WILL NO LONGER PLAY THEIR 1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR." SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN

1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR." SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN

UP HERE EVERY \SATURDAY KEEPING US INFORMED IS IMPORTANT, BRO. BUT CHE, WHEN DO YOU TAKE A

MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT THINGS, BROTHER?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? YOU KNOW, THE STUFF LIKE MOST PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT BECAUSE

TECHNICALLY IT DON'T MATTER. HERE LET ME TAKE A MOMENT REAL QUICK.

HIT ME * ALL THAT TALK ABOUT DEBT CEILING

AND CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOT A SINGLE PERSON HERE KNOWS A

PERSON THAT DRIVES OR OPERATES A BLIMP. A BLIMP

YES, A BLIMP. LIKE, WHY DO WE NOT KNOW WHO DRIVES THAT?

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, I'M A DRIVER. YOU DON'T SAY, OH, CAR OR BLIMP? WHO'S DRIVING THESE THINGS

THEY COULD FLY A PLANE OR A JET. NO, I WANT TO FLY A SLOW-ASS DILDO ACROSS THE SKY

I KNOW MORE CRACKHEADS BY NAME THAN I KNOW BLIMP DRIVERS. THAT'S A REAL -- ACTUALLY, ALL

ACROSS THE COUNTRY, NOT ONE PERSON KNOWS A BLIMP DRIVER. THIS MIGHT BE A DUMB QUESTION,

BUT ARE WE SURE BLIMPS ARE REAL? I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE REAL, CHRIS.

EXACTLY PRETTY SURE. I'VE NEVER HEARD A COMING OF AGE

STORY ABOUT A BLIMP DRIVER HOLD ON, CHRIS, THIS WASN'T THE PLAN

WHAT? WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU

WERE UP HERE NO. AND THAT THING YOU SAID

I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT -- WHY IS EVERYBODY SO MAD

ABOUT SUPERMAN'S SON IN THE COMICS BEING A LITTLE BI-SEX BOY NOW?

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT IS HE'S NOT REAL. AND I DON'T CARE WHAT REAL

PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR SEX SO WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT A STENCIL, DOG

THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY, SO TREAT LIFE LIKE A PORN HUB SELECTION

IF IT AIN'T FOR YOU, DON'T CLICK THE TAB. ANYWAY, WHAT PORN YOU WATCH,

CHE? WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PORN, CHRIS.

ME NEITHER, YOU RIGHT MY PORN-WATCHING DAYS ARE OVER, MAN.

BECAUSE I THOUGHT AN AMOUNT OF FEEDBACK, LIKE THE PASSION IN YOUR EYES.

ANYWAY, WILLIAM SHATNER WENT TO HEY, COLIN, CAN I SMOKE IN YOUR HOUSE?

I HAVE A BABY OH, THAT'S RIGHT. CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON LITTLE

BABY CLETUS. YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HIS NAME. I'VE SENT YOU PICTURES

I GET A LOT OF PICTURES, COLIN. I ONLY REMEMBER THE BOOBIES.

CHRIS, CHRIS. THAT'S ENOUGH. LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LAST TIME

YOU WERE HERE, MAN DAMN, ALL RIGHT, MAN. ROLL THE DAMN CLIP

CHRIS REDD, EVERYONE! BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE CORONAVIRUS!

OKAY. SO IT DIDN'T HOLD UP GREAT I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE CAUGHT

THAT CLIP FROM FEBRUARY 2020 PLEASE ROLL IT AGAIN BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE

CORONAVIRUS! OK. IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS SAYING

SOMETHING CRAZY. I'M NOT A SCIENTIST. THIS IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, BUT

YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOUR TEACHER. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T, MAN OH.

THAT'S CHRIS REDD WITH VERY IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT NEWS NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE TALKING

ABOUT IT, Y'ALL! OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A

SELF-DRIVING TAXI SERVICE, SAY THAT AFTER A YEAR THE ROBO TAXIS STILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH LEFT

TURNS AND PUDDLES. WHICH EXPLAINS WAYMO'S SLOGAN, "LET'S GET IN WAYMO ACCIDENTS.

A WOMAN IN ARIZONA GAVE BIRTH TO A 14-POUND BABY BOY SO NOW ARIZONA HAS TWO GRAND

CANYONS. IN THE MATH BOOK DOESN'T GET IT

OH, MY GOD OH ONE OF HUGH HEFNER'S GIRL

FRIENDS SAID THE PLAY BOY MANSION WAS HAUNTED. IF YOU TURN ON A BLACK LIGHT YOU

SEE ET CETERAO PLAS EMEVERYWHERE A BRITISH WOMAN WAS SHOCKED

WHEN SHE DISCOVERED A FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER

TOILET BUT HEY, THAT'S INDIAN FOOD FOR YOU.

YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE GRAND CANYON JOKE, YEAH. A NEW STAGE SHOW FROM

WORLD-RENOWNED HYPNOTIST LINUS MINUS IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE TALK OF BROADWAY'S REOPENING

HERE WITH MORE IS LINUS MINUS AND HIS VOLUNTEER, ROY HI, THERE

HI, THERE, COLIN YES, I FOUND A VOLUNTEER TO BE HYPNOTIZED ON YOUR SHOW.

HE'S A MEMBER OF YOUR SECURITY STAFF HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

OH, YEAH, YEAH. HEY, ROY, HOW YOU FEELING? NERVOUS?

OH, MAN, COME ON, NOW THIS LITTLE SILLY MAGIC STUFF AIN'T GOING TO WORK ON ME, JACK.

HUMOR ME, ROY, AND IMAGINE YOURSELF ON A CLOUD, ROY AND AS I COUNT DOWN FROM FIVE,

YOU SLIP FURTHER INTO THE CLOUD, ROY. FIVE, FOUR, YOU'RE FALLING,

THREE, TWO, DEEPER ROY, ONE, AND SLIP ALL RIGHT, NOW, ROY IS IN A

STATE OF SUGGESTIVE HYPNOSIS, MEANING -- OK. OH, DEAR

J IS EVERYTHING OK I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE TOO RELAXED AND HE TINGLED JUST A

LITTLE BIT I APOLOGIZE BUTWE'LL HAVE TO ACCOUNTED THIS SHORT

ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR WAKE, YOU WILL RETURN TO A STATE OF ACTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS.

AND WAKE HEY, MAN. WHY ARE MY PANTS WET

YOU MADE ME PISS MYSELF ON LIVE TV SLEEP

WHY DID YOU PUT HIM TO SLEEP AGAIN? WELL -- HE GRABBED ME

AND I FELT A LITTLE BIT SCARED FOR MY LIFE. ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE" YOU

WILL NOT BE ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR PANTS, YOU WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, AND WAKE!

OH, WHAT YOU DOING FEELS SO GOOD, ZENDAYA! SLEEP

ROY MADE THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS IN HIS PANTS A SEXUAL FANTASY WITH ZENDAYA

I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GET ROY OFFSTAGE THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO,

COLIN. ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE," ZENDAYA IS GONE.

ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE. AND WAKE WHAT HAPPENED TO ZENDAYA?

WHAT'D YOU DO TO ZENDAYA, YOU SON OF A BITCH ROY

ROY? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ZENDAYA. I AM NOT THE REASON ZENDAYA

ISN'T HERE AND WAKE OH, NO, I KILLED ZENDAYA!

AND I PEED MY PANTS! HELP, HELP GO TO SLEEP

OK ONE MORE TIME. ROY, UNWAKE YOUR PANTS ARE NOT

WET. THEY'RE DRY. ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE, BUT ZENDAYA

IS ALIVE AND SAFE. YOU ARE CALM, YOU'RE JUST HERE DOING A NORMAL JOB WHAT YOU DO

EVERY SATURDAY HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." AND WAKE

AND HOW DO YOU FEEL, ROY? GREAT I SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK,

THOUGH HEY, MICHAEL CHE, PLEASE TELL THEM STRIPPERS IN YOUR DRESSING

ROOM TO PUT ON A MASK. HEY, SLEEP! LINUS MINUS AND ROY,

EVERYONE I'M MICHAEL CHE I'M COLIN JOST.

I'M MICHAEL CHE I'M COLIN JOST. GOOD NIGHT

YEAH. IS IT -- IS IT TOO SOFT? I MEAN, LOOK AT ME

I FEEL LIKE GOLDILOCKS HI, CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS OUT WITH ANYTHING?

YEAH, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A MATTRESS BUT WE'RE TORN BETWEEN THESE

TWO. WELL, IT IS A BIG DECISION. WE DO SPEND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES

IN BED WOW, THAT IS SO, SO TRUE. HONEY, WHY DON'T WE TRY IT OUT

SO WE CAN SEE, LIKE, HOW IT WOULD REALLY FEEL? YEAH, YEAH.

SOMETIMES I GET HOME LATE FROM WORK AND IT WAKES HER UP OH, SURE.

WELL, TRY IT OUT, YOU'LL BARELY FEEL ANY MOVEMENT. GO AHEAD

WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK WHO'S FINALLY HOME. WHERE WERE YOU

WELL, DENISE, YOU'RE AWAKE. I AM, AND YOU REEK OF VERMOUTH AND WHORES.

CAN WE NOT DO THIS TONIGHT? OH, OH, SO I'M THE PROBLEM? GO TO HELL

THIS FEELS GOOD, RIGHT I LOVE IT. YES, THIS IS REALLY

COMFORTABLE. OKAY. YEAH, I CAN REALLY PICTURE US

ON THIS. YEAH. GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE

GOOD NIGHT. YOU WERE BEING WEIRD AT THE PARTY TONIGHT.

I WAS HAVING FUN. YOU WERE TALKING TO ANDREA! nd ANDREA IS A BITCH

AM I ON TRIAL, YOU NAGGING SHREW. THIS IS NICE.

HONESTLY, I ALMOST FELL ASLEEP NO.

YOU GUYS WERE DOING A LITTLE PLAY WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THE

MATTRESS IS PERFECT. LIKE YOU SAID, WE SPEND SOME THREE THIRDS IN OUR LIVES IN

BED. THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID HONEY, LET'S TRY THE OTHER

ONE. RICHARD, NO I'M TIRED.

EALLY YOU'VE BEEN TIRED FOR A MONTH, DENISE

WHATEVER, GOOD NIGHT OH, DENISE. OH, YOU ARE DRIVING ME WILD

RIGHT NOW. RICHARD - THIS NIGHTGOWN.

RICHARD, NO HOT LADY GETS BELT ATTENTION YOU'RE DISGUSTING

OH, YEAH WE LOVE THIS ONE LOVE THIS ONE

YEAH, I FEEL LIKE I'M LYING ON A CLOUD. SO WHAT DO WE THINK

HELLO? YOU GUYS ASLEEP? AAHH!

THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE I'LL GET THE GUN! WHEN DID YOU PUT BACK THERE

NO, RICHARD, NOT THAT GUN HERE USE THE KILLING GUN!

GOOD THINKING, DENISE BANG! BANG

OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED THE INTRUDER YOU PROTECTED ME

OH, DAMMIT, I'M SO HORNY FOR YOU. YOU COME TO ME.

YES DO ME LIKE I'M IN ADULT DETENTION.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH PLEASE, DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS

MATTRESS OR WHAT OH, GOD OH, GOD.

THE INTRUDER'S STILL ALIVE AND HE HAS YOUR GUN! BANG

OH! OH, I'M HIT! NO, RICHARD

GOOD-BYE, DENISE. I LOVE YOU OH, YOU SAVED ME.

BUT I'M SO HORNY OH, BUT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD, HE'S DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!

DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN! SLEEPYTOWN USA. A BED FOR WIFE, A BED FOR LIFE

HOPE TO HEAR YOU COME AROUND ANY DAY * * I LOVE WHEN YOU CALL ME ABOUT

ANYTHING * * * BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU

* * BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU AND *

YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING *

* ** * * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING

* I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING *

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TICKETS FOR MONTHS

HOW DID YOU GET THEM LET'S SAY I KNOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND I SPEND A

RIDICULOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THIS. HOWEVER YOU DID IT, YOU MADE

MY YEAR. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO SEE ANGELO

I NEVER HEARD OF HIM. HE'S AMAZING. THE REVIEW SAYS HE TAKES YOU

ON A SPECTACULAR MUSICAL JOURNEY. APPARENTLY ALL HE NEEDS IS ONE

WORD AND SONGS JUST FLOW OUT OF HIM. ONE WORD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, INTERNATIONAL SINGING SENSATION, ANGELO

HELLO, EVERYBODY. CAN I GET ONE WORD GO AHEAD, GIVE HIM A WORD

OH, OKAY. BICYCLE! SAY FOR ME?

BICYCLE SAY FOR ME? BICYCLE

SECOND VERSE. * IF I LIGHT UP FOR M THIS ONE TONIGHT *

THANK YOU SO MUCH I HE JUST CREATED THAT BEAUTIFUL SONG ON THE SPOT

I GUESS I DIDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM SINGING ABOUT BICYCLES, THOUGH

SHH, HERE WE GO CAN I GET ANOTHER WORD? GO AHEAD, LANCE, DO IT.

WHAT, ME AGAIN? YES, YOU HAVE FUN OKAY.

BANANA SAY FOR ME? BANANA.

SAY -- SAY FOR ME AGAIN THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING. * IF ALLOWED I SING

LIKE THIS FOR LONG TIM YOU SING LIKE THIS FOR ME TONIGHT *

THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES? I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT

I MEAN, I REALLY -- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM BECAUSE HE'S NOT FROM THIS

COUNTRY, LANCE OKAY, WELL I'M NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY AND YOU CAN UNDERSTAND

ME NO. I DON'T.

AND NOW I BRING DANCE FOR THIS OH!

OH, MY GOD IT'S TODD! WHO'S TODD?

I READ ABOUT HIM. HE'S WHAT'S NEXT IN DANCE. OH, OH.

* SOMETIMES WHEN IT ONE WORD * YES, ONE WORD

ME AGAIN? ALL RIGHT. ROAD TRIP.

SAY FOR ME? SAY FOR ME? ROAD TRIP

SAY FOR ME? SAY FOR ME? OH, COME ON

ROAD TRIP! * IF I LIGHT UP FOR M ANOTHER TIME

OH! ANGELO AND TODD! ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT.

ALL THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED FOR US ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, TODD -- HE SEEMS A BIT NERVOUS. WELL, THEY ARE TELLING THEIR

STORY. IT'S ABOUT COMING HERE FROM A WAR-TORN COUNTRY

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT? A COUNTRY THAT -- ALL RIGHT, WELL THAT'S NOT A

REAL PLACE OKAY, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS

YOU NEED TO GO INTO NEW SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN HEART. I'M TRYING, OKAY?

ANOTHER WORD FOR ONE? ONE SUGGEST ONE SUGGEST

YOU KNOW WHAT FINE TRY THIS

MESOTHELIOMA HUH? MESOTHELIOMA.

MESOTHELIOMA. OH, WOW, THEY GOT THAT. THAT'S QUITE IMPRESSIVE, I

SUPPOSE. WHY WHY IS THAT IMPRESSIVE

* I WANT TO KNO WHAT LOVE IS I WANT YOU T

SHOW ME WHAT LOVE IS * WOW WOW.

WOW. NOW HE HAS RHYTHM. I GET THAT

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL. YEAH

* I WANT TO KNO WHAT LOVE IS I WANT YOU T

SHOW ME * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! THAT'S WONDERFUL

COME ON, PEOPLE, GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO

GIVE IT UP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO AND TODD

SUCH A THINK THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH OH

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG. DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND

THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG. DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND ALL OF YOU