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- It's your turn, Paulette.

Hello?

- Huh?

What?

- When did you get the filmmaking bug?

- Oh.

Probably when I was a child, which is no big surprise.

I spent most of my time in

my father's studio, filming faces.

I loved faces.

That's how I got my nickname,

Little Fellini.

After all,

the movie tag-along was a little bit like a circus,

like something at a Fellini Satyricon.

And the face my camera loved the most belonged to my father,

Sam Gittleman.

According to my mother,

there was a time when Sam Gittleman was personable,

friendly.

He could get along with anybody.

I think the trouble started

when he began working as an assistant in Hollywood.

Dad worked for five years

in a very abusive corporate environment

and gradually, he began to change.

Mom said he became sodangerously obsessed with his career

and struggle for power that he got an ulcer

once every two months.

She said he reminded her of an angry warmongering general.

He was short-tempered and infatuated with his enemies.

I mean,

he fixated on what he saw as his inevitable demise

even as his career was skyrocketing.

I think one of the main reasons

I'm making this movie is because

I'm interested in how Hollywood changes people,

like the way it changed my father.

Camera!

Sound!

Slate it!

- Um, my mom wants me to go to med school

but I want to discover the next Madonna

or Boyz II Men,

and I've landed one of the highest paid

and most respected assistant positions in town.

- I graduated summa cum laude

from the University of Pennsylvania.

I could have done anything I wanted.

You know, Wall Street or Washington,

but nothing was challenging enough.

Nothing that is except for the role of Motion Picture Agent.

- Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I got to get out of this.

I mean, if he sees this program,

you have no idea the things he's capable of doing to me!

- Then one day at my grandfather's for Sunday brunch,

Papa showed-

Papa's my grandfather.

Papa showed me this article from the New York Times.

It said that Borscht Belt Jews who were from Manhattan

and graduated Ivy League colleges

were shoo-ins at any Hollywood talent agency.

Like he says, you like to eat a lot.

You like to talk a lot.

So you should feel right at home being an agent.

So a couple of weeks later,

I came out to Los Angeles for a meeting

with one of the partners.

And I was hired the very next day.

And for the past three weeks now,

I have been working

with one of the most prestigious talent agencies

in Hollywood.

I work with Roman here at the agency.

- Thomas delivers the mail.

- That's right. I deliver the mail.

I'm the mail clerk.

- What's it like out there at the agency, Thomas?

- What it's like out there?

Hmm.

Mm mm.

It's like my Bar Mitzvah

where I kept on thinking I'm gonna drop the Torah.

My Safartic grandfather is gonna have a stroke

right there in a synagogue because

I'm gonna drop the Torah.

The rabbi says to me, "Take it."

I said, "I'm gonna drop it."

We must have argued for about three minutes

until he just shoved it into my arms.

Well, I dropped the Torah.

My grandfather had a stroke.

Well,

that's what it's like out there.

Let me tell you about the first day

as a trainee in the mail room

and the warm welcome I received from my superior.

- Push the cart!

Push the cart!

Push the cart.

Push the cart!

- After I loaded up the cart,

I went upstairs to do the mail run.

This was it.

The hall of power where deals were made.

It was just like in the article

my grandfather had read to me.

I knew I had made the right career decision.

- And what are you?

Valium covered with skin?

Put another engine into your asshole

if you wanna keep working here, boy!

Great, another poxy incompetent!

- And Jonathan,

the best thing for you to do right now is nothing.

It is react.

When you think, you get those of us in trouble.

When I ask you to clean your cubicle,

please just fucking do what I ask.

- Hi.

I'm Thomas Jacobson.

It's nice to meet you.

- You're late, schmuck!

- What exactly did you say to him?

- I said to him that you were on the phone,

you'll call him back.

- Well, was it a when he feels like it

you insignificant fly on my ass call you back

or he doesn't even know who you are call you back?

- I just said you'd get back to him.

- Fine. Call Tiffany.

Send him over a pen with the following engraving.

Write it down.

Always

love

to talk.

Don't forget the L.

We got egos on the line here,

so you better start learning to fine tune

your phone etiquette.

The 10 pages of that phone log are my Bible,

the axis upon which my whole world turns.

Don't forget it.

You've dump the B-list calls.

You know,

the insignificants, during lunch.

Do you need to get through or what?

- Yes, sir. - Well, come on through.

Oh, you're the new boy, right?

- Yes, sir. - Oh, nice place

but the tie doesn't go.

Go ahead. - Sorry, sir.

Have a good day, sir.

Morning, Roman.

- Hey, little brother.

- How are you doing this morning?

- Better than you.

God, what are they doing to you down there?

- I got to work a devil today.

- Well, come here. Come here.

Sit down.

Relax.

Relax.

You ever been to a premiere party, Thomas?

- No.

- Well, I got plans tonight.

Take an actress.

Here,

there's one.

Actresses put out for premiers.

- Hey, thanks man.

- No problem.

- If I can ever do anything for you-

- Mr. Sabin's office.

Uh-huh, I'm working on it.

Don't call me at the office.

Yeah, okay.

God!

- Somebody giving you a hard time?

- This junior assistant at some bargain basement agency

across the lane,

he calls me out of the blue.

I barely know him.

He wants the inside scoop on our new specs.

Like I'm gonna tell him anything

before we've even had lunch.

- You must get that a lot

working for the head of the agency.

- Yeah.

Tell you,

I can relate to these guys

but I can't hang out with them.

They're a bunch of backstabbers.

But in you, I see reflection of myself.

Good background,

education,

good family values.

- You know, I couldn't agree with you more.

- I think you and I are gonna be very good friends.

And friends help each other out, right, Thomas?

- Yeah, they do, definitely.

- You know the Wit Daily Prayers, right?

- It's the new Esther House specs script.

- And you're the kid with a shot.

Anyway, they're faxing the first 30 pages

over to Mel's agent this week for packaging.

And

well, why don't you just slip me a copy from the mail room.

Here's my home address.

- Isn't that script a confidential property?

- No.

Thomas, confidential means that non-players can't see it.

But you're gonna be a player soon so what's the problem?

- No problem.

Couldn't I get in trouble for this?

- Thomas, let me give you a piece of advice.

There's people in this town

that can't see past their own cubicle.

And then there's people like us who see the big picture.

Don't have tunnel vision, man.

- Okay, let me think about it.

- Listen, that premiere starts at 7:30.

While you do this,

Mr. Sabin needs an assistant on PE day.

That'll give you plenty of time to think

and then you come back to me with your answer.

- Um,

what's PE?

For the first two months, you're a grunt.

If you survive the punishment,

you get yourself promoted to a desk.

- Yes, but Thomas,

you're promoted a lot faster if you know the right people.

- I've always been able to succeed on my own terms.

I'm used to it.

I'm a hebe.

- Excuse me, uh, what's hebe?

- You know,

Jewish.

Hebrew.

Hebe.

Humility, economy, and bravery.

- My great uncle's wife's half-sister was Jewish.

Does that mean I'm hebe?

- Sure.

You're hebe-bro.

- That was a funny, Roman.

- You know, I joined the temple of the

They say you could make deals

on Friday night Shabbat services.

- Oh sure, they should just call that Studio Synagogue.

It's where 50% of the congregation is converts.

- And studio execs.

I converted a month after arriving in Los Angeles

because quite frankly,

if you wanna be a player in this town,

it helps if you're Jewish.

- Oh, that's anti-semitic.

- How can that be anti-semitic?

I'm a Jew now.

- Now, it's my turn to tell the story.

Okay.

Move back.

No, back more.

- Mr. Pink, this is as far as we can go.

You're really indiscernible.

- Am I really small in frame?

- You have nothing to worry about.

- Okay.

See, I work in the mail room of Black Pictures.

My first day began with a spitball in the neck

from the mail room boss, Ozzy Blatt.

He loves spitballs,

prescription drugs and heavy metal, too.

But anyway, to get on his good side,

I made the mistake of telling him that I loved heavy metal.

Well, he instantly decided that we were gonna be friends

and he made a present in my honor.

- Photo face!

Ah, photo face!

Dedicated to my new friend and fellow Satanist.

You do believe in the powers of Satan, don't you?

- Well, actually, sir-

- Ahhh!

Ozzy Blatt, personal engineer.

- Blatt where's my mail?

- What?

- Bring me my mail!

- I can't do that now!

- When am I gonna get my mail?

- I can't do that now!

- When am I gonna get my mail?!

- When I feel like it.

- What? What?

- When I feel like it.

- You son of a bitch! You red-faced-

- When I feel like it!

- I want my mail, you asshole!

- Yeah, you're welcome.

- Who was that? Who-

- Oh, one of the VPs.

- You could talk to the executives like that?

- Pink, my father owns the studio.

I can do whatever the hell I want.

- Now I had heard

that the last guy who had stuck it out

for over a year with Ozzy

had been promoted to an executive position.

See, Ozzy's father had decided

that if someone was tough enough

to spend 12 hours a day locked in a cubicle

with his mashugana son,

then he was certainly tough enough

to produce Pauly Shore movies.

And this was called The Ozzy Test.

Oh, I knew that I could pass this.

- Matter of fact,

I think it's time to listen to my high school band.

Ladies and gentlemen,

get ready for

Yeah, my father and parole officer says that music

decreases my violent outbursts.

I'll tell you something,

it's definitely helped me with that schizophrenia.

- See,

nobody

knows bad

like Pink

knows bad.

What the hell?

- It's not an earthquake guys.

It's just the last member of our group

and he's a bit theatrical.

- Cut the fucking music.

Name's Palermo.

Dean

Palermo.

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm not an assistant anymore.

I used to be.

Let me tell you about the job I had.

I'll never forget the day he fired me.

I picked him up in my car at LAX.

We were late for the agenting class

he teaches over at USC.

So we thought we would just drag race through South Central.

And then I blew a tire over a pothole.

Guess who had to change it?

Every day,

I'm haunted by the memory of that dick.

Hey. But you don't like that.

- No, no, no,

I fucking hate slip ups

Look, I didn't get a table in the front.

I did not get a table in the front.

You have fucked me,

fucked me! Fucked me! Fucked me.

- Now, this was my boss, Griffin Larosh,

one of Hollywood's top talent agents.

But we were stuck in the middle of hell,

all he cared about was a table I forgot to book at Spargo.

He told me I was finished in Hollywood

and that he'd leave a horses severed head

in my bed the next day.

Meanwhile, as he ranted at me,

the locals had began to congregate.

- The intern's car is here, come on!

Come on. Let's go.

You're fired.

Go.

- Why don't you tell everyone

what you're planning on doing, Dean?

- Hi.

Dean Palermo of the Palermo family,

originally of Palermo, Sicily,

I'm about to make a film that is gonna scar Griffin Larosh.

And unlike Paulette's politically correct documentary,

I'm gonna take a giant shit on the face of Hollywood

and I'm gonna grab the handle so they can't flush it.

- Roman, why don't you give us your take

on the film business?

- Take notes, kids ever since I was 12 years old

I knew I wanted to be a player.

You see, my family came up to Hollywood for this vacation.

And the first place I visited

was the Boulevard.

Everyone does.

I must have spent half the day taking pictures

of everything like some tourist.

It was when I decided to walk off the Boulevard

that it happened,

this old man, that looked like Gepetto,

you know, from Snow White

just seemed to come out of nowhere and introduced himself.

He said that he was the legendary Adolf Zuckerman

the studio mogul, you guys.

He told me that he was around Hollywood

when the town first began.

He explained to me that he had gotten his start

as Charlie Chaplain's assistant director.

That afternoon,

we walked all over town

and he told me what Hollywood used to be like in its heyday,

the golden age.

At the end of the day,

and this is the best part of the story,

he took me to Movie Tech, the studio

which he founded and ran for 30 years.

He told me about all the movies the studio made,

and all the great actors, directors

and writers that he worked with there.

He told me that being a player

was the greatest time of his life.

And he wished that he could do it all over again.

And he suggested that one day

I could become a player in Hollywood.

Now jump ahead 15 years,

I'm a graduate of Penn.

And I find myself standing in the exact same place

I stood with Adolf.

In no time, I got myself a temp job.

And one day I saw the prettiest girl in all of film land.

You know who that was, Paulette,

you.

You actually smiled.

I mean, nobody else in the lot would give a floater

like me the time of day.

So I knew I should try to meet you.

Well, every guy on the lot wanted to meet you,

what a Twinkie.

Didn't cost much to make friends

with the guys in transportation.

And I scored a golf cart, swung by

and picked you up 15 minutes before your usual appointment.

And I got ya.

Bullseye.

And you can guess what happened then,

♪ love exciting and new

For the rest of you guys in,

Paulette and I have been dating for over a year now.

Now, at the time, I didn't know

she was the daughter of Sam Gittleman,

the current head of the studio

or I wouldn't have been so bold.

Paulette introduced me to him.

Even asked him to make a few calls on my behalf.

The very first one

landed me my top assistant job at the Sabine Agency.

Unlike the other trainees, listen carefully, Jacobson,

I didn't have to start the mail room.

So you wanna know my take on the film business?

Well, it's cars

lunches,

green lights

and studio executives daughters.

- Okay.

Tell us about your job, Fisher.

Well, there's a

real opportunity for me to grow within the company.

You see,

I've loved music videos ever since I was a kid.

I mean, I was obsessed with them.

I began to turn into a video.

I mean, I mimic every artist

from Michael Jackson to Twisted Sister.

And you see, I mean, this play acting

made me feel a real connection to the world.

All right, some kids had a TARE, but I had music video.

16 years later, or two weeks ago to be specific,

I got a very special phone call.

God was on my mind.

Hello.

- Fisher Lovelace, please.

- Yeah, this is Fisher. And this is?

- Fisher, This is Roger Peabody.

- Roger?

- Of Bad Boy music.

- Oh, Mr. Peabody.

Yes, what can I do for you, sir?

Roger Peabody was the man who was there when

video killed the radio star.

I mean, name any early videos, Beat It,

Hungry Like the Wolf, Rock me on my Days.

Roger put them together, all right.

And since then, well, Roger

has made thousands of music videos.

I mean, he set trends.

And there's one thing that's no secret about Roger.

And

it's his wild side, okay.

I mean, this is a man who learned to party from Warhol.

I mean, he even built his own nightclub,

kind of like a '90s version of The Factory.

It's called the Love Shack.

And that's where he wanted me to come that night.

I mean, to interview, to be his personal assistant.

It was an opportunity of a lifetime.

I was so excited.

I was like, "Whoa!"

- Hey, love child, welcome to the Love Shack.

Let me clear my throat before I give you a quote.

So let me see your credentials

'cause I believe it's essential for your potential.

Or should I call you rich, almond-tasting

sugar-coated brown eyes.

Why don't you take this big dog home and bury his bone?

- Hi, um,

my name is Fisher Lovelace.

I'm here to see Roger Peabody.

- Oh, Roger's new toy.

I know the clean cut boy.

Follow the balloons upstairs.

And tonight will be your lucky night.

Fisher Lovelace.

- Enough!

Fisher Lovelace,

good to see you.

Sorry to call you here at one in the morning,

but you know what I always say, music never sleeps.

Now, why don't you take your clothes off?

- Excuse me, sir.

- Yo, everybody listen up,

I want you to meet Roger's new assistant,

Fisher

Lovelace!

- I mean, yeah, I can deal with my boss' wild lifestyle

but he said, if I can stick it out

there's no telling where I can go with the company.

- Okay. Ready?

Action.

- This is where I live.

This is my bed.

Actually, I stole the frame

from the set of Coppola's Dracula.

- What's that?

- In Sunday school,

they told me to draw a picture of God and I did

and I got an F

for frenzy. - Oh my God.

Tell us how you became a filmmaker.

- Hold on.

- Give him a sec.

- Inside this box is how it all began.

A present I received from stranger on my 10th birthday.

When my cameraman was hit by a car,

my camera was taken away from me.

My mother told me that I was gonna have

to find something more responsible to do with my life.

I still loved movies.

So

many years later, after graduating college,

I got a job working at a top talent agency.

When I was fired and left for dead by Griffin Larosh,

I received my wake-up call.

I was a filmmaker again.

And Griffin Larosh

was gonna be my start.

This is where I come to discover up and coming talent.

- Wow.

- They really love me here.

- Tiffany, trust me.

You have big things in store for you.

Give me a kiss.

Give me a kiss, come on.

Give me another one.

♪ I've taken such a beating

♪ Served coffee at his meetings

♪ I've played the screaming game

♪ My soul untried

♪ He tried to make

♪ He was always angry

♪ Can you wait for the climax?

♪ Now, I'm a mess

♪ And I must confess

♪ That my name is

- Dean, fucking, Palermo.

- This is Griffin Larosh, the most despicable,

most disgusting agent in Hollywood.

Hey, why don't you tell the camera

how many clients you've lost this year, Mr. Pig Larosh?

And what about the times you badmouthed the studios?

- Fuck Tri Star, Fuck Warner Brothers, Fuck...

- Okay. Since we've interviewed you last

you've lost four clients.

Does that have anything to do

with the film Dean Palermo's making about you?

- Miss Gittleman, I don't lose clients.

They're all mutual partings.

- Okay. Well, since the last time we interviewed you,

you've lost seven assistants.

That's an extraordinary number.

- Mrs. Gittleman, you know, you may not have noticed

but I am an intense guy.

Very intense, but very stable, nonetheless.

Oh sure, I fly off the handle,

but there's nothing wrong with me.

Hey, I said two slices of rye.

Two!

- Enter.

Have you seen the first cut

of the Steven Seagal musical, gentlemen?

- We agree, Sam.

It could be the next heaven's gate.

- My

heaven's gate.

This is a tricky time, my friends.

We need to keep a lid on this.

I can't afford any leaks, any bad publicity.

Let's not give the press another boom.

How about that movie my daughter has been making?

Is there any mention of that in the trades?

- No, there's been no news, Sam.

- A good thing.

- Marker.

So what brought you out to Hollywood, Mr. Pink?

- You know, when I was a kid, I saw movie,

changed my life forever.

Star Wars.

- I loved that movie.

- Hey, you know, I used to have a Star Wars comforter.

- I still do.

- Wait a minute, you still have it, Mr. Pink?

- The force touched me.

Yeah, it touched me.

And I decided then and there,

that I was gonna come out to Hollywood.

'Cause I thought that there was no way in the world

that a place that could create such magic

could be as bad as everybody said.

But then I came out to Hollywood

and I can't stop asking myself,

where's the force, people?

Where's the force?

- You see, to me, film is not just a business.

Films are powerful.

They affect people.

They make them think about a lot of things.

I didn't come out to Hollywood for the six-figures.

I came out here because I wanted to be part

of the most influential art form of the 20th century.

- I don't care how influential these films are.

I just want my big beach house in Malibu.

- Is that why you chose Hollywood?

- Well, see, in all the professions

it takes years to get anywhere,

but in Hollywood, a young man can strike it rich overnight.

- You people can delude yourselves

into thinking that there are morals

that you can be a pure artist in this business,

but sooner or later,

everyone gives in to temptation.

Everyone.

See,

this isn't a movie

and

the force is not with you.

- So my little, moguls,

you have been accepted into my very selective program

because you wanna be players.

The first thing you must ask yourself is what is the player?

What do these men and women, these elite,

upwardly mobile individuals have in common?

Well,

they didn't go to film school

because in case you hadn't realized it yet,

Hollywood does not give a shit about how much you know

about the DOD or the French New wave.

Rhino skin, schmoozing, power meetings, information,

chutzpah, personal survival.

Once

you have mastered all these fine arts,

you're halfway there.

And then you must take all these skills

and retaliate yourself to fit the ideal.

Think of yourself as this lowly moth,

coming out of a cocoon

and emerging into this beautiful butterfly,

with a goal project under his or her wing.

Shmooze!

I really love that tie.

It's very Picassoesque.

- Well, Picasso is one of my favorite artists,

extremely visual.

In fact, if he were alive today

he'd probably be a great filmmaker

like Soderbergh or Schumacher.

- Excellent.

- Hollywood is too obsessed with these cute kids.

- I think Max is gonna be another Dana Plato,

Todd Bridges different kind of strokes casualties.

- Totally.

- Wait up.

- You see, I'm not exactly athletic, but you know,

I do like to every now and then get out

play a little bit miniature golf from time to time.

- Stop!

Introducing remarks are cultural and artistic.

Both introduction and response was Puttnam mess.

Hollywood does not like lard-arses.

If you don't have an athletic hobby

then choose one golf or tennis.

And every Los Angeles team should be second nature to you.

- Oh my God.

- Munch.

- Such a good person.

- She ain't a boy,

- Pretty boy.

- May you grow up like a trolley cart

and ship passengers out of your ass.

- Golden rule when you make the big leagues,

if it's a hit,

- It's mine.

- If it bumps,

- it's mine.

- It's theirs.

- You are now ready to take the reins

and stake your turf in Hollywood's

and claim

your new identities.

Ralph Panties,

you are now Carry Hitchcock,

always an attention grabber.

Fisher Lovelace,

you are now.

Denzel Copal.

It'll open many, many doors.

Paulette Gittleman,

you don't need to change your name

unless your dad gets involved in a scandal.

Thomas Jacobson,

um, Giuseppe Jacobson,

Italian, Jewish origins.

You have the passion of an artist

and the savvy of a shrewd businessman.

You

see me after class.

- You know, I cannot believe that

I failed a course on how to schmooze and kiss ass.

I'm doomed out here.

- Come on, Mr. Pink schmoozing

and networking is an art form like screenplays.

You learn the rules and then you practice them

like the rest of us.

- Oh, forget it.

You know, my mother she says,

"You're socially awkward and socially awkward people

"should not go to Hollywood."

And she's right.

And Schnell,

she says I should consider dentistry

just like my mother.

- Come on, Mr. Pink, look at us,

you think we're blessed with Hollywood personalities?

- Where are you trying to instill false hope in him?

Dentistry's a nice profession, Mr. Pink.

- Quiet, Fish.

- No, don't quiet me, man.

I'm being honest.

We're talking about his life here.

- You can do it, Mr. Pink.

- No, I can't.

- Schnell's just one person, Pink.

Her word isn't sacred.

- Yeah, nothing's sacred out here.

Who looks up for cars, lunches and green lights?

- Oh, my, cars, lunches and green lights.

- Oh my go ahead, Paulette,

do you think he could do it?

- Yeah. I think you could do it, Pink

- See, Paulette's lived in this town her entire life.

She could spot a player a mile away.

- Really?

- Yeah. Beside you're as smart, as anyone else.

- That's true.

I have smart.

- You're good looking too.

- Good looking?

You know, I am feeling rather good-looking today.

- You can learn how to schmooze.

- You're right.

I can learn how to schmooze.

- We can do it.

- Cars.

- Lunches.

- Green lights.

- Oh my. Cars, lunches, green lights, oh my.

- To the future of Hollywood.

- Let's go.

We can play the game.

- Excuse me, sir,

But can we do without the music today, please?

How about I take you to lunch?

- Big, why you always keep everything so neat, huh?

Metal heads are never neat or clean shaven

and yet you, you're all these things.

- Maybe I'm schizophrenic

like you.

- No.

- Now we are inseparable like father and son.

Party down!

- Take the gas.

- I love Saturday night!

Yeah!

- Hold the elevator.

Thanks.

Thomas, isn't it?

- Yes, sir.

So um...

- Yes.

- Grab the reigns, seize the moment.

- I really liked your children, sir.

- Well, I'm glad Roman's scheduled you to spend more time

with them over the next few weeks.

Good day, Thomas.

- They always love Jews who are from Manhattan.

They always love Jews who are from Manhattan.

- Months have gone, by kind of a midway point.

So we're gonna check in and do some one-on-one interviews.

- Roger says I've been doing a great job.

You know, I mean, he thinks things are definitely gonna

work out for me just as long

as certain adjustments are made.

- You look like you're caught

on soul train, Fish.

- Oh come on, man, it's not that bad.

I mean,

it's kind of like celebrating Halloween every day.

I love Halloween.

It's my mother though,

she's been getting so spike Lee on me, man.

I dunno.

That woman,

she thinks Roger's trying to get in my pants.

- Is he?

- I mean, sure, there's a lot of compromise

but that's in everything.

You know,

as long as you know yourself,

there's no danger.

Hello, Roger.

- Hoe does the wig look?

- It looks,

I mean, it looks good.

I like the way it looks, but...

- Oh good. - I mean, it may not be-

- I sense there's an issue...

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying it may not be exactly what we're look...

- Have I led you wrong before, Fisher, huh?

- No. - Have I?

You won't wear it?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll see it.

I mean, it's dope.

I mean hey, I'll step it up.

- My project for today

I thought I'd do some planting while I'm talking to you.

You know, I love irises.

I used to

grow them

on my balcony in New York.

I had a beautiful,

I made a beautiful wooden box planter.

It was wonderful.

It was fabulous.

- Can I ask you something a bit more personal?

- Sure. Go ahead.

- Why do you put up with this abuse?

- Well, you know, after looking at myself

in the mirror for over 27 years,

I've come to realize certain truths about myself.

And one of them is, I'm just not an overnighter.

- Over-nighter?

- Oh yeah.

You know like,

oh, all the guys, Jacobson even.

They're over-nighters.

They look good.

They say the right things.

They have a certain charisma.

I don't have those things.

I don't even have luck, except for bad luck.

But

I have a theory though,

why that's all okay.

My first girlfriend was, she was into astrology

and she taught me a lot about Libra.

Anyway, She told me that Libras weigh everything out.

We're slow in making decisions

and we weigh the positive and the negative,

different approaches.

And that's me.

So I think, you know, I'll give a little here

to get a lot more there.

And you know, that's gonna work for me.

I know it's gonna work for me.

So one day, maybe not now, maybe not in five years,

maybe not even in 10 years,

I sure as hell am gonna beat this town.

I'm gonna do it.

I know I'm gonna do it.

I have what it takes.

- Remember how we started to talk about having a company

and you know, doing business together?

- Vaguely.

- I got two tickets to the Oscars this year.

Jack Palettes is lap dancing.

- I'm not interested.

- No.

- It looks like we have company.

- They're just street thugs.

Street thugs.

Go ahead.

- Rapinsky.

- Roman.

- Rapinsky!

- Roman.

Roman!

- Hello.

Hello.

- Roman, who were those guys?

- I've never seen them before in my life.

They looked dangerous, though.

Listen, I gotta go back to the office.

- Roman.

- I'll give you a call later tonight.

- I can't believe I'm doing this.

- How are you?

Thanks for coming by, man.

We are gonna have a blast.

I got to show you something real quick.

I just finished taping about 15 minutes ago.

- Okay.

- Roman. - Oh God,

- He's at the Oscar parties.

Get this.

He called and left a message that my name

would be on the list of all the big parties.

- Really?

- Maybe I misjudged him.

- We're not with the press.

I'm supposed to be going inside.

- There's nobody going inside.

As far as we know, nobody's going inside.

- For?

- There's nobody's gonna go inside.

- Why not?

I mean, my name is Thomas Jacobson.

I'm supposed to be going here where...

- I mean, you have to go in there and then...

- We're not press.

- Who's this?

- We're not press.

- Okay, then you can't be in here.

- Right, That's what I was trying to...

I'm supposed to be going inside.

- Right. Come around here and please leave.

Thank you.

- Hey Thomas.

I hope you didn't take me seriously.

I only had passes for myself and my date.

She's gonna be one of those chicks on Dateline.

Oh. And Mr. Sabine's kids need to be taken to the

Jackie Jesus tomorrow.

Later.

- The mail room is where tomorrow's moguls

learn the nature of the deal.

But it's here at exclusive networking parties

where they hone and practice the art of shmooze.

- Yeah,

here it is.

Power Prayer, the first 30 pages.

- This is for real?

- Of course.

- You deliver like the post man, Sofine.

I'll message over the cash tomorrow.

- Good doing business with you.

- My mama asked me to sue for sexual harassment.

- No, don't sue.

Don't sue. You'll get blackballed.

- That's what I told her.

I tell her I'm in control of the situation.

Because soon the pain will only be a memory.

Because with one promotion I'll be in charge of supervising

a bunch of my own videos.

- Stick it out, stick it out.

Look, pain is temporary. Mogul-hood is forever.

- I'm on the guest list.

- No, guest list, chief.

- No, but I'm on the guest list.

- No list, chief take a hike.

- Lucille, Lucille, five more minutes,

I would have shrunk up into a prune,

my honey, my angel, my baby, my saving grace,

I missed you.

oh, you look great.

- You look like Nipsey Russell, come here.

I'm not gonna kiss you.

You probably got a cold sore.

- I just heard this incredible story

about this guy who isperpetually stuck in the mail room.

They call it the, what, AF, assistant forever.

Everybody knows it, except this guy.

What's his name? John,

Jehovah. What?

- Come on, why not?

- You're wasting your time.

- Eventually you're gonna come to your senses, all right?

- And partner with you?

- Hey, Wolfgang said so on our first date.

- Oh god, here we go again.

- The two of you would make wonderful business partners.

- He was trying to (in foreign language).

- The man is more than a chef, Paulette.

- Roman, nobody is one thing in this town.

Every waiter is an actor.

Every agent is a future producer,

every studio executive is a closet screenwriter.

- So what? Everybody's got a hidden agenda.

- Yes, and I don't trust yours.

Are you guys okay?

- I'm assistant forever.

- My girlfriend left.

Why the fuck would my mum lie?

- Hey, Pink,

how are you doing?

- I hate this place.

I hate this place.

I wish a great rain

would come and wash all the scum into the gutter.

- I just got a call from Pink.

He doesn't sound very good.

I'm a little bit worried about him.

What the hell?

Pink.

Mr. Pink, are you okay?

- Hi guys.

- What happened?

- I

don't like irises anymore.

I don't like them at all.

But everything's fine.

They're still pretty.

Paulette,

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What time?

Now?

Stage 15.

Okay.

Is he mad?

I have to go see my dad.

Oh shit.

- Please, make yourself comfortable.

Let's see what my little girl looks like these days.

Why, you look anemic.

Well, that's not normal for a healthy woman of your age.

- Well, the movie's taken a lot out of me.

- Some movies get made, which shouldn't.

And some poor fool's got to show

the most of the responsibility.

Small blurb in this morning's trades.

"Paulette Gittleman daughter of studio chief Sam Gittleman

"is making waves in Tinseltown

"directing her documentary feature, Slaves of Hollywood.

"According to an anonymous source who's featured

"in the movie, if this film ever finds a distributor,

"there will be lots of destroyed careers.

"Heidi Fleiss' book couldn't compete

"with the potential smut

"of this film."

- Dad.

- I continue to read.

"Ms. Gittleman might be smart

"in re-evaluating her slanderous approach.

"Some wonder where Sam Gittleman fits into this puzzle.

"Could Paulette be doing this in the name of her father?

"If so, it certainly cannot help

"the tidal wave of negative criticism

"he's already receiving from his studio Mega Monster musical

"which some have nicknamed,

"singing Seagal."

- It's a cheap shot.

Your reporter friends are looking for an excuse

to undermine you.

- It's bullshit like everything else,

but the rest of this town doesn't see it that way.

Because when it stinks people tend to believe it.

- That's their problem.

- That's what you said

when I asked you not to make this movie.

Remember? I said, "Paulette, this isn't the kind of movie

"that's going to ingratiate you to Hollywood."

"Hey, that's their problem." You said.

Are you familiar with the meaning of the term

puttnam mess named after David Puttnam

the ill fated former head of Columbia Pictures.

- Enlighten me.

- Oh, I'll enlighten you.

It's when one thinks he or she

can put a wrinkle in the system.

It's that

messianic,

I can save Tinseltown from falling

into the Pacific Suck my Dick.

I wanna see more films about minorities

and relationships anti box office mentality.

Well, you know what becomes

of the same self seeking sweet talking revolutionary?

He finds itself the proud owner of a new black ball.

A top of the line, screw you, eat shit, die

and never eat lunch in this town again, certificate.

Even one enemy is an enemy you can't afford, Paulette.

- I'm not making any enemies from this film.

- That movie is

From the day you started making the movie,

you've been lighting a flame under others assholes

to feed your own moral fires.

You wanna make a change, go fight world hunger.

But don't screw with the players in this town, Paulette.

- Those weren't my intentions.

- Screw your intentions.

Nobody cares about what you intended.

That's what people are going to say.

Once they smell a rat everyone keeps away from you

like you are the plague.

I've seen it happen.

I've perpetrated it on others.

It's not a pretty sight.

- Well, I appreciate your concern for my reputation.

It's sort of like a studio heads concerned

for keeping costs down on a film,

but you don't own my negative.

And

you're not gonna stop me from finishing my movie.

- Then as your father, I pronounce your film dead.

I've written an apology on yours and my behalf

which will be published in tomorrow's trades.

And I've seen that nobody in this industry,

not a single vendor, actor or director

will consort or attempt in any way to assist you

in completing this project.

I have spies everywhere.

If you're shooting in town, I'll know about it.

Even as we speak your camera man

is being escorted off the lot

and the camera returned to the rental house.

If you're even able to find another camera,

you won't be able to find film for it.

If you need a shooting permit, you'll be turned down.

- I've been in your shoes many times, Paulette.

It's time I just thought back

to what my first film teacher said,

"Making a film is like going to war

"it's kill or be killed."

- My father shut down my film, Dean, what can I do?

- Paulette, when you're down at your lowest moment

that's when you discover what you're truly made of,

mark of a true artist.

- Coppola?

- Palermo.

Mr. Larosh has destroyed my equipment and trashed my film.

It was just another typical day of filming.

- I'll show you a fucking bags of chalks.

You fucking rusty.

Get back here so I can kill you.

Technically, my project is terminated, right?

- Right.

- Not if you go along with my plan.

Tomorrow, Larosh meets his destiny.

As he would say the climax

is the most important part anyway.

A few weeks ago, after Larosh had destroyed my camera,

I decided to join my beloved bull lax.

- Good evening, again.

- Master.

Following that little presentation,

I'm prepared to continue our safari

through the jungles of Hollywood.

- I got my camera back

and you know my movie, the one Larosh destroyed,

I got some old stock.

Got some shootings I've saved in that film

Now,

if you agree to include my finale in your film,

I'll let you borrow the stock

and the camera to finish your film.

- Put the climax of your movie in mine?

- In exchange for priceless Palermo antique.

- Well, it's different,

but I'll do it.

- Then it's a deal.

- Wow, this thing actually still works.

This is great.

- Ahhh!

- Oh shit.

Oh my God.

- Hey, don't be scared, lady.

We just wanna know how you know Lenny Rapinsky.

- Lenny Rapinsky.

Who's Lenny Rapinsky?

- Who's Lenny Rapinsky?

- Look, lady, we'd bash your skull

and I bet you'd remember who he is.

Easy, T-bone.

- Wait a second.

You're the guys-

You're the guys who chased after Roman Sofine the other day.

- Who the fuck is Roman Sofine?

- Roman Sofine.

That's the name he must be going by now.

Huh?

- Who are you guys?

- Little lady,

we got some talking to do.

Now, I don't know what Lenny Rapinsky told you about himself

but I guarantee it was all bullshit.

He was a street kid.

Grew up on the Boulevard, just like me and the boys here.

His favorite thing in the world

was picking off little rich kids,

anybody who had more than he did.

We liked him.

He was always one charming motherfucker.

Guy was good with the knife too.

And you can always use somebody like that on your team.

So we decided to see if he had what it took to be one of us.

If you haven't figured it out already, sweetheart,

we ain't the salvation army.

That's not to say we don't collect things.

Our specialty is other people's merchandise,

you know, tourists because we do most

of our work on Hollywood Boulevard.

One day grifting on the Boulevard

you can make enough money to live for a month.

We were loaded and still it wasn't enough.

But then there was that score

when we knocked over a car load of oil sheikhs.

We'd never seen so much cash in our lives.

We partied our asses off.

But when we woke up, the score was gone

and so was Lenny Rapinsky.

We don't know what happened

to the son of a bitch after that.

But we've been looking for him ever since.

- Lenny Rapinsky, I've had all kinds of people

come through this classroom

but you are definitely a special case.

You're in luck because I'm gonna take you under my wing.

You're a raw slab of clay, beautiful clay.

You must first reinvent yourself entirely,

get a new car, a new place to live.

It doesn't matter where you get the money to do this.

Study the books that I've prescribed.

This is a business in which hairdressers can become moguls,

farm boys can become big stars

and two bit floozies can become legendary divas.

Anyone make it in this town, darling.

You've just got to be willing to do whatever it takes.

You can do this, Lenny and I've got just the place

for you to get that beautiful foot

of yours in the door.

Studio lots are notoriously easy to sneak onto.

Steven Spielberg, also one of my students, by the way,

snuck onto the Universal lot disguised as a producer's son.

But you Lenny,

you

will be a messenger.

Once you go through those fable arches

all you need to find is someone clueless enough

to help you make the right contacts

like the studio executive's daughter.

And from this day forward,

you will no longer be Lenny Rapinsky.

You shall be

Roman Sofine.

- Hey you guys.

Thanks for agreeing to come back for one last time.

- What the hell are we doing

in the middle of the desert, Paulette?

- Super hot out here, Paulette.

- Well, my dad won't find us out here.

How are you guys doing?

- I've been having some really fucked up dreams lately.

Here.

- Oh I...

- Hey,

I'm here.

- Hey, Joe, just one.

One.

- Okay, mom.

- Here,

give me some of that.

- Thomas, how was your vacation?

- It was the worst weekend of my life.

- Thomas, you take my matzo ball.

- No, pap.

- You need it more than I do.

My grandson, Thomas, my son's boy,

who I love more than life itself.

He writes me letters about his great fortune.

But for once I want to hear it from the horses mouth.

Go on, tell me about life as a big Hollywood agent.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

A wise man is never shy about his successes.

- I'm quitting.

We had another stroke.

Now, I'm never gonna be able to quit.

Not until he dies and by that time,

I'll probably be dead myself.

- Hey, Fisher.

- Yeah.

- Tell me about those dreams you've been having.

- I had this dream last night.

I was 40 years old,

had this horrible car accident and died.

And the only people at my funeral

were Roger,

Pansy and Pauly.

Roger's having this big party tonight.

He says he's gonna be watching me real closely.

And

fuck Roger.

I'm mad as hell!

And I'm not gonna take it anymore!

- I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

- Yeah!

- Moses to the Pharaoh,

Let

my

people

go.

- Come on, take it!

Take it!

I said take it!

- You fucking take it!

You take it, Roger!

I'm not gonna take it anymore, you sick fuck!

You fucking take it!

You take it now!

How does that feel?

You bitch!

- Ice cream, everybody.

Ice cream, come on.

- You son of a bitch, I'll kill you.

You son of a bitch.

- Palermo's climax,

take one.

- What the f...

- Fredo,

I know it was you.

You broke my heart.

- Get me the fuck outta here.

No, no, no, no,

I can't write that.

- Michael Eisner's office.

- Yeah, Griffin Larosh for Michael Eisner.

- A moment please.

- I can't get on the fucking phone.

I can't get on the fucking phone.

- Please read exactly what I've written.

- Hi, Griffin, Michael.

Griffin.

Griffin, what the hell is going on?

- This is Michael.

- Michael.

- Yeah, this is Michael Eisner.

- Well,

fuck you.

One fucking mouse,

and one fucking bump

and then fucking voices

fucking me

you son of a bitch.

- Goodbye.

- Fucking.

- Is this Schwarzenegger?

Do you know that your name means fucking black plowmen?

Wait, hold on.

- Thanks, I knew you had it in you

Thanks.

- Can you please, excuse us.

- Sure.

- Paulette, you came down to congratulate me on my big day.

You're gonna go out with me tonight?

- I'm not going out with you tonight.

- Come on, everybody's taking me out.

I want you to come.

- Actually, I'm going out with five guys.

- What's their names?

- I have a picture.

There's Izzy, Butch, Little John, Tom,

Lenny Rapinsky, I haven't met him yet.

- They look like nice guys, but I don't know them.

- Sure, you don't, Lenny.

- Let me get a picture here.

Roman, let's get a picture.

- I knew you'd make it.

- Thanks.

Thanks guys.

You can't fucking touch me, Paulette.

I'm an agent now.

- Do you think the agency's

gonna let something like this slip by?

- Why not?

Plenty of guys in the agency

had dubious backgrounds.

All they care about is if you get the job done

end of story.

- Hold the elevator.

Good day, Thomas.

- Good day, Mr. Sabine.

I thought you'd like to know something about Roman

and the Esther House specs script.

- Enter.

Please, make yourself at home.

So I never thought I would see you again, Paulette.

In retrospect, I might've been a little bit hard on you,

but it was all for your own good.

So I assume that you've gotten this movie

out of your system and you're here to come back

to work with me at the studio.

I am correct in these assumptions.

- I'm leaving Los Angeles next week.

I'm not planning on coming back.

Goodbye, dad.

- Paulette.

- Jeffrey, ever been to a premiere party?

- No.

I think we're gonna be really good friends.